Chapter Text
This semester has been one of the worst so far. At the start of term I thought I’d be glad to be back at school, but I’ve never felt so alone. The few people I had considered friends had formed a small clique as of late, and it's obvious that I wasn’t invited. We’d always gotten along well, and even now it’s not as though they hate me – but it's hard being left out. I sometimes feel that I need a friend more than ever lately, but maybe being alone is better. Nobody can hurt me then. And I'm not such a disappointment for them. It’s a win-win.
So here I am, half curled up on my favourite sofa in front of the fireplace. I've been staring at this same passage in the same chapter for the last 20 minutes. Retaining nothing. Studying has been... challenging.
I decided early that if my friends were going to basically abandon me, I’d at least do something useful with the time. Study. Get as many NEWTS as possible. I’m going to need them to leave after graduation. But it’s difficult. I’ve been having trouble focusing ever since that night, before I came back on the Hogwarts Express. Sleep has been evading me, and even when I am able – it's a restless night.
I'm a little surprised to notice him in the common room when everybody else has gone. It's not the first time this has happened, either. He coyly smiles at me and comes to sit on my couch.
“Hi,” he says casually. I know he's trying to sound cool.
“Hey,” I aim back at him. “Trying to get a head start on NEWT material? Me too.”
I shift awkwardly on my couch cushion, wondering why he’s talking with me. Maybe he wants to study together?
“I’ve noticed you around.”
“Yeah, easy to do when we’re in the same House.” I cringe at my own response. He’s trying to be nice. Perhaps I should be less condescending. “Sorry,” I pause, “That was dumb. So… what are you studying?”
“... You.” He looks at me with a glint in his eyes.
I snigger but give a small smile. Lame. But a little funny. And intriguing. Nobody usually notices me. I don’t normally want them to. Not lately, anyways. He inches closer to me. “I think I'd like to get to know you better.” Really now. Is this a prank?
I’m unable to hold back any longer. “Why?” I look at him, hoping to either catch him off-guard in a lie or see something real on his face when he answers.
He takes a breath. “You’re quiet. Studious. Shy. I like that.” Pause. “And you have an energy radiating off you that I can’t stop thinking about.” Honestly, what kind of flirting is this? And why am I even responding to it? He’s right beside me now. Something in me feels flattered, but also cautious. From the look on his face, I’m pretty sure he’s not joking. Mr. Suave. Maybe trying too hard to get a girlfriend. He leans in towards me and kisses me. I pull back from the touch slightly at first, then let myself sink into it. Would it be so bad to let him continue to kiss me?
My mind swirls in a tornado of thoughts. Part of me can’t fathom the notion of a boy kissing me right now. But the last person to touch my lips was...
Nope. Not going there. If anything, I deepen the kiss and realize I want to override the last touch my lips had on them. The last touches my body felt.
Kissing is supposed to be fun, right? My brain is just thinking too much. Turn off, brain. Off. Maybe I deserve to lighten up a little bit. Override the bad with the good. Right?
He brings his hands up and runs them across my shoulders and down my back. One of my hands is cupping his face in return, behind his jawline. I kiss him back with a little tongue; our lips dance. My breath hitches, and we both let in little gasps of air in between our noses changing sides. I barely know him; he’s quiet in class much like me. I never knew him to be particularly outgoing, flirty, or anything really. I hadn't thought much about him at all to be honest, but who cares about that right now? I am learning that he does know how to properly kiss a girl. I think.
His hands shift, come round my ribcage to the front, and across my breasts. I pause. I can feel the burning in my mind of a memory I don’t wish to endure right now. Pulling away from the kiss, I stop him. “Slow down.”
I continue. “Listen, I’m enjoying kissing you but this is just moving a bit fast for me, okay? We’ve barely spoken before today and now we’re snogging.”
“You were enjoying it.” A statement, not a question, from him. Odd.
“Yes, but it’s getting late. I'm going to go to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah? Goodnight.” I turn to leave and head to the dormitory stairs.
I barely take 3 steps and what feels like a sharp tinge of razor blade edge soars across my back diagonally, causing me to double over forwards but before I hit the floor – a pair of hands grab and yank me backwards. The room whips around as I’m turned and flung onto the nearby couch, facing upwards and my stinging back is pressed into the cushion.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOIN-” “Silencio.” He mutters calmly. Oh God. He’s rehearsed this. It seems too – planned.
Coherent thought has gone out the window and all I can do is try to fight back. I may be silenced but I’m not going to go down without a fight. Not this time.
I claw my hands at his face but he’s quick. Grabbing both of my arms he shoves them underneath his left armpit and closes his arm against his body. Shit, he’s stronger than he looks. He is sitting on my mid-section, straddling me. Both of my arms are tucked so incredibly tight under his armpit and he shuffles backwards and down my thighs. The movement pulls on my shoulder blade.
There’s no way in hell I’m going to let this quiet, mousy haired, fucking creep do this to me.
I try to pull my arms free but with the struggle he only tightens his grip and the awkward angle pulls my entire shoulder forward. It feels on the verge of being ripped from its socket. All I can do other than wiggle is to try and kick but he’s literally on top of me. “Calm down,” his voice low and mocking. “You’re making this worse for yourself.” My mind is racing. I’m feeling more helpless by the minute.
This can’t actually be happening. It feels like a dream-sequence. A nightmare. My nightmares.
I’ve temporarily forgotten about the pain in my back because he’s focused on trying to take off my pants. I’m thankful for skinny jeans right now, making the process more difficult for him. His wand arm almost comes close enough within biting range, and I lunge.
Everything is spinning. The ceiling looks numb. Out of focus. Sparkly. It’s kind of beautiful, but also painful. What just happened? I think he slapped me. Or punched me.
Suddenly, pain radiates the entire length of my right leg. I don’t know what he did, but the agonizing tearing feeling flows from my hip all the way down to the top of my calf. The outside of my leg screams.
The room lurches again and I almost vomit. I can barely feel any movement on the rest of my body because leg pain overwhelms it all. A moment of bright blindness passes, I try to make sense of what is going on. With my arms still in his armpit, he somehow uses his right arm to reach down and cut my pants vertically with a spell. From hip to calf. He manages to tear and pull down my pants fully, while he fiddles with his own. My lower half is entirely exposed and I can feel the cold air of the room. A shiver moves up my spine, and the hair raises on my neck.
I try to snap out of my dizziness, and again attempt to scream. Nothing. I’m still Silencio'd. To him, anyways.
I’m screaming inside, just nobody can hear me. Please, someone, anyone.
I try again to wrench my arms free. He repositions himself and spits at my core. I know what comes next. His body yanks my shoulder forward again awkwardly, and I’m wondering when it’ll snap. There’s no amount of bracing myself for the type of pain that is …
A hot, searing, dry shoving, piercing, torturous pain presses into every fibre of my being as he penetrates me.
I'm screaming, but nobody can hear me.