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Shock is not even a word I can describe when I had found out about the zombie bite on my lover's hand.
It felt like my entire world had crumbled.
My world is going to crumble right in front of me and I can't do anything about it.
My love, my moon, my darling.
My Natalia.
And she— she looks defeated.
She looks like she has already accepted her fate.
Why was my love hiding it from me? Didn't I tell her she can tell me anything?
Why did she keep it a secret from me?
I could've been treating her wounds if she had spoken up about it to me.
But she's doing it all alone.
I couldn't ignore the eye bags under her eyes the past few days and I can't ignore it now.
My shining moon's eye bags are worse now. I sometimes wonder why Natalia and I never slept on the same bed. I could've been there to comfort her or stay up all night to keep her company if she couldn't fall asleep.
Natalia opens her mouth, but I left before she can say another word.
Everything is too overwhelming right now — I can't deal with this right now. Not when I'm going to burst into tears the longer I stay in the same vicinity as her.
I need to take some time off. Just for a few hours to calm down.
Still, my hands were trembling as I sat down on the chair. I stared at them, hoping—praying for that to all be a dream; for the zombie bite to be a very convincing makeup and she was pulling a prank on me.
Because— there isn't any cure.
There won't be any cure to save Natalia. She would turn into a zombie and she'll have to be killed.
And that—
That scares me the most.
There would be no other choice left but to kill her— to kill my girlfriend. Especially when no one would want any of the people to be infected.
But I don't want that to happen.
I want Natalia to tell me this was a funny prank she decided to do.
I want her to tell me that everything's going to be okay.
I want her to tell me this zombie apocalypse is just an incredibly detailed, lucid dream.
I put my head on my hands and closed my eyes as I let out a muffled scream of frustration; of fear; of exhaustion — I screamed out everything that I've been bottling up, wanting Natalia to still see me as the optimistic person in the group.
Because if I'm not optimistic and cheering the others up, then who else will?
I stayed silent for a few minutes, getting my breathing in control before I had a full-blown breakdown. I would have gone to Natalia for comfort, but I didn't want to face her by then.
I didn't want to hear her lie to my face again. She has been doing it a lot lately and it frustrates me because I want her to come to me and ask for help. I wanted her to rely on me.
Someone tapped my shoulder, and I wiped the tears forming in my eyes and turned to see it was Bennie who tapped my shoulder. And he looks worried about me.
I smile at him. "Bennie! Do you need anything?"
Bennie looks at me with a small frown. "Are you okay?"
"Of course!" I face my body to look at the young child, my smile never wavering, but it feels forced.
The young boy looked at me, etched with sadness, and that made me bury my feelings for a short moment. I held his hand and squeezed them gently while telling him, "I'm okay. I was just thinking of a sad movie that I remembered."
Bennie stays quiet, observing me and nods, his eyes immediately filled with eagerness. "I want to watch the movie! It won't make me cry like you did!!"
I laugh, a more genuine smile curling up my lips as I lift my hand to mess with his hair. "It's a very sad movie, Bennie. I couldn't stop sobbing at a specific scene in the movie."
"I–" he stuttered, sounding like he was starting to regret his choice but he nodded. "I want to watch it."
"Alright," I said as I got off the chair while lifting my hand off of Bennie's head and grabbed his hand. "Let's go to the main area. They might have the movie I've been thinking about."
I smile the entire time, lying through my teeth so Bennie wouldn't worry about me anymore and forget about the conversation earlier.
I can do this.
I can make Bennie smile.
Jennie was in the process of tying my hair into a braid when Natalia approached us. I smile at her while trying my best to avoid looking at her bandaged hand; trying not to think about the infected zombie bite that is spreading through her veins.
My smile almost wavers for a second but I tried to keep it up. "Natalia! Is there anything you need?"
She looks at me then at Jennie as her eyes trails over the ongoing braiding session. She returns her gaze towards me. "I can talk to you later." Then she leaves.
I stared at the spot where she previously was and sighed.
Jennie puffs her cheeks, "Is Nattie mad at you?"
I thought for a moment before shaking my head, "No, she just wants to tell me something." Or I say something to her.
"Well," huffed Jennie as she tugs the braids a little too hard, "Nattie can't take you away from me yet. Not when I'm still braiding your hair."
"I know, I know." I huffed out an uncomfortable laugh when she tugged my hair again. "I'll stay until you're finished."
Jennie beams.
I linger at the door, watching my girlfriend stare at her bandaged hand. I knock on the door and she snaps her head to look up at me, taking her eyes away from the bandaged hand. I take a step inside as I close the door, inviting privacy for only the two of us.
Natalia watched as I took a step forward again and again until I was running towards her, wrapping my arms around her waist as I burst into tears.
"I'm sorryyy–" I wailed while burying my face in her stomach.
I don't know what I'm apologizing for but I kept apologizing to Natalia while she slowly rubs my back. Maybe I'm apologizing for not noticing sooner. Maybe I'm apologizing for not being there for her. Maybe I'm apologizing because we don't have enough time left.
As my sobs slowly die down, I ask, "Why didn't you tell me?"
Natalia continues to rub my back while answering, "I didn't want you to worry about me."
"You're silly," I laughed quietly as I looked up at her with a small smile. "I'm always going to be worried about you."
"I know," she sighed while looking down at me. "You have reminded me several times." Natalia wipes away the lingering tears in my eyes.
I rest my head on her lap. "You can always tell me anything, you know?" She always seems to forget it, but I don't mind reminding her everyday. "I'm here for you."
I don't hesitate to hold her bandaged hand even when Natalia moves it away from me. I gently squeeze it and I hold myself in giving it a kiss. "We'll get through this together."
She smiles at me, and I smile back.
Even if my heart hurts as I continue to give in to my optimism.
I deny the lack of time we have left together.
My dearest Natalia stays in bed the entire day.
Her fever is getting worse and I try my best to help, deciding to stay by her side the entire time.
I could see Bennie and Jennie lingering on the door. I placed the towel on Natalia's forehead and I stood up to move closer to them. They both look worried about Natalia, the two of them holding hands while they turn their gaze to me.
"Is Nattie okay?" asked Jennie while her eyes flicker to where Natalia lies.
I follow her gaze before turning back to look at Jennie, watching as her hands tremble while she squeezes Bennie's hand.
They don't know.
Natalia still hasn't told Bennie and Jennie.
And I would like to keep it that way.
Even if the secret won't last forever.
"She got a fever so she'll be staying in bed for a few days," I tell the kids; not exactly a lie but not the full truth either.
I wished it was just a fever, but this was not the first time I've seen the symptoms of getting turned into a zombie.
It was not a memory I would like to remember.
Bennie nods at the information and drags Jennie away while she whines at him, "Why are you dragging me awaaayyy? I want to see Nattie!!"
"You will start complaining to me if you get sick, so I'm keeping you away until Natalia recovers," he answered while Jennie whined even more.
She puffs her cheeks as she turns to look at me. "Take care of Nattie!! I will bring some soup for her later!"
I nod and wave with a smile while they walk farther away. Then I turned around and closed the door, walking back to Natalia as I sat on the side of the bed.
I frowned when I removed the towel as I felt her forehead; still burning and not getting any better. Natalia leans on my hands while a soft whimper escapes her lips. I quietly shush her while moving the strands of hair on her face.
I bite my lips as it trembles. It hurts not being able to help my love.
It hurts that the best thing I could do is be there for her as the time slowly passes.
It hurts to know that I won't be able to kiss her.
It hurts to know I won't be able to feel her body below me, her hot breath escaping her lips as I watch her pant while sweat drips on her chest.
That day in our special place would've been our last.
Mitchell found out.
I don't know how but he did; Natalia must have told him.
He looked at me with a disappointing expression as I walked past him and inside where Natalia is. My heart squeezes, but I try not to let it show.
"Nat..?" I called for her while she was currently sitting up, staring at the journal I always see her write on.
Natalia doesn't look at me when she says, "I'll be confined in a room in a few hours."
I froze.
"What…?"
No, no, no— this can't be happening.
Why does it look like she had already accepted it?
"No, I don't—" I stumbled over my words as I walked closer to her— "I don't agree to this.
She turns away from the journal to look at me. "There's no other choice."
"There has to be a way!" I argued back, frustration bubbling inside me. "There has to— there's better ways than confining you in a room until you get turned into them."
"It's the best option." I am about to argue that it's not but she continues, "The other option is to kill me."
And that makes me shut my mouth.
I don't want that option, but I also don't want her to suffer all alone.
My eyes water as she continues to look at me like she had already accepted this—this option. I turn to look away from her, avoiding the way her gaze makes me want to break down.
Natalia held my hand and I tried to hold back the flinch when I felt her hot hands; still burning hot, but I turned to look at her while a tear rolled down my cheek.
I see her eyes soften. "I don't want to be away from you again." My voice cracks while I whisper those words to her.
It's hard to be optimistic for her.
It's hard to be optimistic for us.
"I'm sorry."
She whispered back and I broke.
I stay silent the entire time while I watch Mitchell carry my girlfriend to the solitary confinement room.
Everything felt numb and I had to force myself to move because I wanted to be there in her final moments.
I couldn't leave her.
Not again.
Even if it's happening at the very moment.
I held Bennie and Jennie's hand while tears were running down their faces; one sobbing loudly while the other stayed quiet.
Natalia turns to look at us and I meet her eyes. Then she turns to look at the kids. "It's going to be okay."
Even in her final moments, she is still comforting her children. It's what I love about her.
Bennie and Jennie shake their heads and I quietly watch while they sob that they're going to miss her.
"I'll miss you guys too," she whispers while she looks at us.
I nod and watch the entire time as Mitchell and Natalia are talking quietly inside the room. I don't turn my gaze away from them, even when Bennie or Jennie—maybe even both of them— are trying to get me away from the room.
I watched as Mitchell stepped out of the room and while he was closing the door, I heard Natalia whisper a soft "Goodbye".
The door shuts and everyone in the room is silent.
I stopped holding the kid's hands as I dropped down on my knees, covering my face with my hands as I let it all out.
My sobs, cries of grief and frustration and agony echo the room while I feel someone hug me from the side.
I don't leave my room the next day or the day after that, choosing to stay wrapped around in blankets while I stare at the wall.
I don't know how my dear Natalia has been doing, too scared to see how her current state is.
Mitchell comes into Natalia's room to visit, telling me how Natalia has been doing. The answer is always that she's getting worse — paler than she ever was before.
I nod as my gaze lands on the untouched food at the table, my stomach churning at the thought of eating right now.
"How have you been doing?" He asks and I wonder why he continues to ask the same question when I've always answered the same thing.
"Terrible," I muttered as I brought my knees closer to my body.
Mitchell nods and I watch as he stands up and leaves the room. Before he closes the door, he says, "Visit Natalia later, she might need your company now."
I stare at the last place where he was, contemplating whether I should visit her or not.
I walk quietly to where the confinement room is, my nerves buzzing the closer I get.
I heard sobs and cries and I immediately ran towards the door, holding the bars as I check at how she's been doing.
It has immediately brought me to tears.
Pages and pages from her journal are ripped away. The bed is undone and I could see dried vomit on the floor.
The walls are full of scratches and dried blood, some of them have cracks on the wall.
Natalia is in the center of all the mess and chaotic room, mumbling words of nonsense I couldn't hear nor understand.
"Nattie, dearest?" I called out to her while gripping at the bars tightly.
She turns her head towards me but I don't see any recognition in her eyes as she mumbles nonsensically. She doesn't move closer to me nor does she move away from her spot.
After all her mumbling, she whines, "It's so quiet…"
My heart breaks even further. "I know," I quietly responded.
But Natalia doesn't seem to hear me as she grips the side of her head, holding her hair tightly as she tugs it.
I shout at her to stop doing that but she continues to not hear me, sobs and wails of echoing the entire room.
"Make it stop," she sobbed as she tugged her hair even harder.
I try to look away from the scene but I couldn't, my eyes are fixed on her while my vision gets blurry until tears roll down my face.
"Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. MAKE IT STOP. MAKE IT STOP—"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I whispered to her brokenly as I rested my head on the bars as more tears ran down my face.
I desperately want to open the door, but I can't.
I can't…