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Sirius had gotten home late that night. She had been in that bathroom longer than anticipated, staring at herself for half of the time, actually peeing eventually too and figuring out how to best wipe after peeing and the rest of the time she had spent running and dancing and singing in the grand bath, naked, simply enjoying her own company. Giggled halfway through giving her non-existent audience a performance of Killer Queen because she fucked up a note, grimaced a little when she jumped because that actually did hurt her breasts, laughed in euphoria when she walked and it felt like there was nothing between her legs, and at some point she had cried too, neither for grief nor for joy, but something else entirely. Like the night she had discovered the staircase to the girls’ dorms did not turn into a slide, her tears were a goodbye and a start to something new, a new chapter and instead of simply turning the page she drowned the part of the book she’d already read in her tears to let go of it. She didn’t burn it because as of new she had decided her flames were worth much more to her than to use them for the destruction of the past, instead she would build her future on them.
Eventually, she had gotten dressed and ended up in Poppy’s office to floo back home, though before she could blink two hours had passed, sitting on that comfortable armchair, drinking a cup of tea and talking to Poppy. Just talking. Telling her things she wouldn’t have dreamt of telling an authoritative figure ever, about her upbringing, childhood, gender struggles and her brother. She left out those details she deemed too dangerous to spare, kept the deeper scars of her being hidden, those that ran so deep that the skin had only grown over them but left the blood spilling underneath. It felt significant anyway, to just talk about it, even though she wasn’t sure how it had come to it. Poppy had only asked about her well-being after the surgery and in the next second she had been making tea, the words spilling out of Sirius like the liquid pouring out of the kettle into her cup, and just like that, Poppy caught all of it too and stored it away safely.
When she had gotten home after a long, warm hug from Poppy and a promise to visit her again, there had been a hot and rosy bath waiting for her, made by Effie, and only when she had sunk into the water did she realise how exhausted she was, felt the almost burning heat sink into her muscles, sore from being tense and sleeping in the same position for four hours that day. Remus had knocked at some point, shaking Sirius from where she was almost falling asleep, and he had sat behind her, kneaded the knots in her shoulders until they came loose and had carried her to bed like a princess. Both of them fell asleep quickly.
Sirius had not planned to leave the bed the next day, but Mary had actually shown up unannounced and suddenly stood in her bedroom, shaken Sirius awake and that had woken Remus as well.
“What in god’s name are you doing here, Macdonald?” Remus had said, having come to his senses first.
“Oh, I get it. His voice really is sexy in the morning. All raspy. He moan like that too?” She’d said to Sirius directly, entirely ignoring Remus’ presence as he frowned at her, but seemed to deem it not important enough to deal with in the morning. He simply shook his head and let his head fall back into the pillow.
“Mary, baby, I love you, but why are you here? It’s ten in the morning,” Sirius grumbled then, having lifted her head and sleepily squinted at Mary through black waves of hair falling into her face.
“Effie let me in and showed me to your room!” She exclaimed happily. “Warned me about him too,” she nodded towards Remus.
“Yeah, lovely, Mary, really, but that does not answer my question in the slightest.”
“Right. You wrote to me, like two weeks ago. Wanted me to go shopping with you after your surgery.” She frowned. “It was yesterday, yes?”
“Yeah, but-”
“Wonderful!” Mary clapped into her hands as she made her way to the closet, rummaging around in it and throwing out various pairs of trousers. “Muggle shops open at ten and it’s a Saturday, so it’s gonna be crowded. You better start getting dressed.” With that she threw an outfit onto the bed and hurried out of the door.
Disbelievingly, Sirius turned her head towards Remus, who was silently laughing and then he hummed satisfiedly, turning around to bury himself back under the covers. With his back to her, he mumbled, mutedly, “You heard her. Have fun.”
“Get fucked, Lupin.”
Sirius sat up, inspecting what Mary had lain out for her, realising with a scowl that it was a really cute outfit. So, she got up reluctantly, left for the toilet and got dressed, throwing one last wistful look towards Remus cuddled into the soft and warmth of the bed before she went downstairs.
Mary and her apparated to Diagon Alley and entered Muggle London from there. The entire day was mostly Mary dragging her from one lingerie shop to the other, having some sense of direction while Sirius felt entirely lost and hung on Mary’s arm like a stupid puppy.
Despite that, Sirius would later think of this as one of the best ways to begin the new chapter of her life. She hadn’t thought about it at first, but eventually she’d realised there was a reason Mary took her to Muggle London, because Sirius had undergone many visible changes due to the potion, but she would still be recognised as the Sirius Black in the wizarding world, which she was ready for and had prepared for for months, the confrontation with it, but walking through the streets in the middle of crowded places not as Sirius Black but a girl like any other was much more comfortable.
Because nobody even cared about her, didn’t bat an eye when Sirius used the girls’ restroom, got no smug looks for holding onto Mary’s hand because that was simply what girls did, was greeted by every cashier woman in a familiar manner with a simple “good morning ladies” when they entered a store, had girls complimenting her hair or simply calling that they liked what she was wearing, where she’d gotten her trousers, what Make-Up products she used. Being a girl felt like being in one big friend group and it didn’t matter that she didn’t know any of these girls, because girlhood was also a sort of mutual understanding, something that ran deep in all of them.
She tried on bras and thongs in the changing room with Mary, deciding very early that she loved how she especially liked the shade of cherry red and deep, dark purple on her pale skin, while Mary looked stunning in emerald green and royal blue. After some trying on and finding out Sirius was indeed a B cup and Mary was a C, they went into the next store with the goal to pick out the sexiest set of lingerie for the other. Sirius had ended up with a red, lacey bra, a matching thong that left absolutely nothing to the imagination as well as stockings that hugged her thighs at their thickest part sinfully. Sirius had in return picked out a neon pink set of underwear with a bunch of strings attached that highlighted Mary’s hips, waist and decollete like a dream.
When they decided they’d bought enough they didn’t immediately go back home, instead Mary showed Sirius Muggle London more calmly now, went to get coffee and bagels at the best places, all while telling her about Emmeline, their plans of moving in together somewhere in the middle of the city, because Mary was a city girl through and through and Emmeline wanted to study, so staying in the city worked for both of them. Sirius talked about how it had been for her the past month, with the changes of her body, living in the Potter cottage, which she didn’t plan on leaving too soon because a part of her felt like she was making good for the parts of childhood she’d missed, sleeping in every morning and waking up to the smell of breakfast made by loving parents, getting to sleep in a bed with her boyfriend even though said parents were sleeping just a floor beneath them, shouting for James through the entire house like she should for her brother, not caring about her volume when she ran down the stairs and so many more details, much of which she’d had to unlearn only recently, like the lack of table manners she had to remember, flinching when someone even laughed too loudly and it sounded like a shriek in Sirius’ ears for only a split second, keeping herself from shaking of fear for making a simple mistake like forget to remove her hair from the bathroom sink.
She didn’t tell Mary all of this, kept it light as to not stain the beauty of the day, because Mary had done this for her without asking or having to be asked, simply knew Sirius so deeply that she would show up unannounced and gift Sirius one of the most beautiful days she had ever had in her life. Showed her the life of a girl, showed her what to do with her newfound freedom, showed her love through this and Sirius had never felt it so strongly than now, the pure love Mary had for her, because maybe that was girlhood too. A friendship between two girls that understood each other, reflected each other like mirrors and were still so very different, simply a pair of best friends, but Sirius had learned in only one day that a friendship between two girls was so very different than between two boys, or a boy and a girl. It was that understanding between girls that she’d realised was rooted in all of them that granted them to form connections so deep it reached the core of the earth, and maybe that’s what always made them so warm, made of fire, bold heat and fierceness.
The sun was already setting when they decided it was time to leave, making their way back to Diagon Alley and each apparating to their own homes, though not before Sirius had pulled Mary into a tight and fierce hug that pushed the air out of her lungs, but she hugged her back anyway and no words were spoken because Mary knew and she smacked a wet kiss that left a red stain on Sirius’ cheek. She was gone in a heartbeat.
Back home it was quiet already, so it must have been later than Sirius had thought, but when she entered the living room, the fireplace was still burning and a small light was on, shining onto the book Remus was reading on the sofa. His eyes snapped up to her when she entered and he immediately smiled.
“Hi,” he whispered.
“Hey,” she whispered back, stupidly, because nobody cared if they were loud, but the dim light and the near darkness outside made this moment feel intimate.
Remus sat his book aside. “How was your day?”
Sirius couldn’t suppress the bright smile making its way onto her face as she remembered the day in its entirety. “Amazing,” was all she could say because there wasn’t really a word to encompass her feelings.
Remus smiled back, genuinely, laid his head onto the cushions behind him and regarded Sirius with loving eyes. “I’m happy to hear that.” Then he nodded towards the bag in Sirius’ hand. “What’d you get?”
Her smile turned into a smirk with sharpness around the edges.“Wouldn’t you like to know?” She cocked her head and watched as Remus’ eyes glinted with something dangerous. She slowly approached the sofa, walking towards Remus until she stood right behind him and he craned his head backwards to look into her eyes.
His voice shuddered as he breathed, “Desperately.”
She leaned down until her lips were lined up with his ear. “How about I show you instead?” She let her free hand trail over the bare skin of his arms, lips twitching when goosebumps spread over his skin where she touched him “How about,” she whispered, “you go upstairs and you wait for me while I get changed?”
Remus nodded his head in what seemed like slow motion but made no move to get up or even break eye contact, not until Sirius raised an eyebrow and that shook him out of his trance. Only with reluctance did he get up.
Sirius didn’t waste a second to hurry to the bathroom the moment he was gone to get changed into the red set of lingerie that Mary had chosen for her earlier and Sirius had ended up buying, because neither of them could deny how gorgeous her arse looked in the lace thong. Lips red as rose, hair black as ebony and snow white as skin, she looked breathtaking. Her reflection still made her heart jump, like she hadn’t gotten used to it and never would.
She put on a robe to walk to her bedroom because she was not risking anyone but Remus seeing her like that. Especially not her adoptive parents.
In her bedroom Remus was already sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting patiently. His head moved quickly as Sirius entered, his eyes piercing, not leaving her face until she stood in front of him and let the robe slide down her arms. It hit the floor, forgotten and entirely irrelevant, for Remus’ jaw slacked in something like awe and shock. He sat up straighter, his eyes travelling down over every inch of her body. She stayed still for the moment, letting him take her appearance in.
He huffed out a breathy laugh. “I’m- wow. Holy fuck.”
“Lost our words, have we, Mr Eloquent?”
Remus just nodded. “I- yeah.” He looked back at her face. “You’re so beautiful.”
The smile on Sirius’ face lost some of its sharpness at his words as they settled on her skin, seeped in, into her bloodstream and they felt like fuel, felt like the warmth of the sun, though sounded like secrets of the night, mumbled into dim light and muted silence, something for her only, something intimate.
“Can I touch you?” Remus asked, still whispered as though the moon could hear him speaking, as though the stars were watching, as though the silence would carry his words out of the window, let them fly over the fields surrounding the cottage and wind them around the trees in the near forest like veins of ivy and he wanted it to be just them, wanted nothing but her and even mother nature couldn’t know how deep his desires ran.
It was hard to not just kiss him, push him onto the bed and let him have her. Instead she took a step back, her lips upturned just that little bit. “I believe you promised me something before that.” With that she gestured to the floor and watched as realisation dawned on his face.
Without missing a beat, he simply slid off the bed and sank to his knees in front of her, crossing his wrists at his back as he did, looking up at her with such pleading eyes that it was almost enough to break her, especially as a singular, sinful please escaped his lips and made her knees feel weak.
“You can do better than that,” she replied instead, the breathlessness audible in her voice, but it didn’t matter because he knew what he did to her, how he could make her feel so there was no use in trying to hide it.
There was a flash of yellow in Remus’ eye then, a split of a second and it was gone again, but Sirius had been waiting for it, because they both liked a little power play, both pulling just so until one of them snapped. It was usually Remus, even though one might be led to believe his self-control was infinite, but it drew rather thin when Sirius had him like this.
“Please,” he relented, “let me touch you. I want you, desperately. Feel empty without my hands on you. I need you, always, like I need air to fucking breathe. Please let me have you.”
All the breath rushed out of her at once and when she breathed back in it was just him, in the air, in her lungs, in her blood and down to the bone. Her eyes didn’t leave him when she sighed, “Yeah, of course. Whatever you want. I’m yours.”
Yours her body said as she let herself fall into him, giving up control to him, and it’s what she was used to, how they usually did this, because Sirius trusted him to give it back to her if she needed it. Mine his body answered as his hands held onto her hips and slowly guided her towards the edge of the bed, pushed her down gently and crawled on top of her, finally connecting their lips and Sirius sighed in relief against him, her own breath mingling with his and Sirius wished she could intertwine them whole, wanting to be so close to him they became one so that she would always feel his touch on her as she did now, his hands, cold, roaming along her sides, the touch on her bare skin causing her to shiver, but she arched into it. Closer.
His hands slid higher, underneath her and undid the clasp of her bra without struggle, pulling it off her shoulders, all while his mouth stayed attached to her neck firmly.
“How the fuck did you learn to do that?”
She gasped as she felt the vibrations of his chuckle against her sensitive throat. “Don’t think you wanna know that.”
“For your sake I am choosing to believe your teenage self sat in his bedroom in Wales with a stolen bra from his mommy, practising how to undo it for his future girlfriend so he wouldn’t embarrass himself,” she grumbled, though it hardly came across as a scowl when she exhaled shakily as his hands stroked over her skin all the way to her thighs and squeezed gently.
Remus hummed. “That’s how I learned to suck cock.”
“Really?” She raised an unimpressed eyebrow.
Remus snorted. “No.”
Sirius huffed annoyedly and wound her hand into his hair tightly, pushing his head down and he got the message, latching his mouth onto her chest, licking across her collarbones and leaving hickeys on the flesh of her breasts until his mouth reached her nipple, his tongue pressing against it while his hand occupied the other, gently twisting it in his finger and kneading the already abused skin of her breast, hickeys from weeks ago already yellow and fading and Remus seemed to think that was not right, kissing his way across her chest to her other nipple, leaving bruises in the form of his mouth in his path.
This was familiar, Remus’ mouth exploring her skin and his tongue tasting her desire. He’d been doing this every night for weeks and it felt grounding, because she’d been scared of losing him as a price for the changes of her body, but here he was, proving they were still them and nothing had changed between them. He would make her feel worshipped all the same and maybe beyond that.
Though, when Remus’ head moved lower Sirius felt something else flare up in her, something unfamiliar, even though his mouth had been there countless times before, but it was, of course, different now. When her breath hitched and her hand tightened in his hair momentarily, he lifted his head and gazed up at her.
“Is this okay?” He asked, his hand travelling up her arm and unwinded her hand from his hair, pulling it to his mouth and gently kissing the inside of her palm, his eyes staying fixated on her face.
“Yeah, just-” She took a breath. “This is new. Let me be nervous.”
Her hand cupped his face, her thumb running along his brow and tracing the scar that ran over his skin there, only missing his eye by less than an inch.
He studied her expression. “Do you want to, you know, do it yourself first?”
She frowned and thought for a second, but shook her head. “No, it’s fine. I trust you.” She slowly started grinning. “That is if you know what you’re doing.”
His own expression shifted then, his head cocking slightly in a self-assured manner and he said nothing, but the quiet and secretive smile on his face spoke arrogance. Instead, his eyes drifted down to her crotch and, out loud this time, he mumbled, “Red is your colour.” With that, he took the edges of her underwear, pulling it down over her legs and throwing it somewhere to his right mindlessly.
His eyes met hers again as he lowered himself, both his hands grabbing onto the flesh of her thighs, his grip tight and bruising and his mouth finding the side of her knee, pressing a chaste kiss there and then moving upwards, biting and licking along her inner thighs until he reached her crotch and she could feel his breath there.
He grinned wickedly and let his hand leave her thigh, laying it on his shoulder instead. The touch to her vulva was sudden, gentle, Remus’ fingers slipping between her folds, spreading them and then his fingers were replaced by his tongue, licking a stripe from her hole to her clit and staying there, pressing his tongue insistently against the pleasure point.
Sirius gasped and her thighs tightened around his head, her hand returning to his hair, searching for something, anything , to hold onto and it must have hurt but Remus didn’t seem to care, the pressure instead increasing as he latched his mouth onto her clit, sucking on it and the sensation caused Sirius’ head fall back and arch her back, pushing her hips into his face, asking for more.
He chuckled, circling his tongue around the clit and the vibration forced a desperate moan past her lips. He pushed his face further between her legs and ate her out like she was the best thing he had ever tasted, like it was the last thing he’d do, would be happy to do this forever. Sirius had no choice but to take the pleasure he was giving her, couldn’t pull away from it and she didn’t want to either.
It was different than it ever had been before. She wouldn’t compare it because sex with Remus had always been amazing, so she wouldn’t say this was better , not objectively, but the knowledge that he was not sucking her cock and instead touching her how she had always craved and never knew she could receive, had yearned for it and resigned herself to not experiencing this ever, but now she was here, pleasure licking up her calves and pooling in her abdomen, twitching up her spine like lightning, it was better than anything she’d had before. It was a psychological thing rather than a physical one, was like she’d been edged for ages and was oversensitive to every touch now. It was the relief of hot water after an entire day of cold and sore joints, the comfort of a soft bed after a day of sitting on wooden chairs in class, the mercy of finally feeling Remus’ touch after she’d felt him everywhere but where she needed it for hours.
She whined at the loss of pressure and Remus lifting his head from between her legs. He leaned over her, whispering into her ear, “Shh, baby, it’s okay. I’ll make it even better, I promise”, while Sirius heard him rummaging in the bedside drawer. He moved back down, this time with lube clutched between his fingers, raising his eyebrows questioningly and Sirius could only nod, dazedly. Excitement and pleasure rushed through her veins all the same.
He opened the cap, the noise already sending a shudder down Sirius’ back because she was familiar with that noise and she waited in anticipation while he squirted it onto his fingers, rubbing them together to warm up the liquid. He let his hand drop and circled the fingers around her entrance, moving his head back between her legs and latching his lips onto her clit again before he slowly pushed a finger inside. Her breath came in quick bursts as he pushed against her walls and continued to stimulate her clit with his mouth. He drew his finger out and back inside until it was fully sheathed inside her.
Pleasure spread over her skin like gasoline and all it took to light it was a single spark of ember, Remus pushing a second finger into her alongside the first, his hand tightening around her thigh and his own pleasure visible as he rut against the blanket scrunched up beneath him, silent moans against her clit and it didn’t take long for her orgasm to overtake her, locking his head between her thighs, though when she went off in flames, instead of burning up he let himself be engulfed in the flames entirely, fucking her through it, the pressure inside and against her not relenting once.
He only pulled back when she came back to herself, panting heavily, kissing her inner thighs and running his hand over her sides soothingly.
He kissed his way up her stomach and chest, mumbling soft praises against her skin. “You did so well, love, so good for me. You’re so beautiful.”
She pulled him in for a desperate kiss and he came willingly, licking into her mouth so she could taste herself. She moaned into his mouth and he swallowed it up, took all of her and held it together, lest she broke apart and melted into how good it all felt, the fire untamable and out of her control, the heat everywhere around them and Sirius wished for them to be the only two people left on earth, wished for everything else to be in ashes and ruin, never wanted to feel anything but comfort and pleasure like this. She would stay here for the rest of her life and it would be a fulfilling way to live, living in the heat of ember, in the eye of an erupting volcano and eventually drowning in red.
Remus kissed her with the same ferocity that she felt, the match to light her, like he’d always been, when he started grinning against her lips and Sirius gasped when she felt his fingers back between her folds, running up and down before circling her clit again. She shook her head and her hand wrapped around his wrists. The overstimulation was nothing like she’d felt before, causing tremors to run up her spine, her legs locking up behind him and tightening impossibly, muscles twitching.
“I know, baby,” he crooned into her ear, his tone almost patronising. “I know it’s a lot, but you’re doing so well, so good, can you take more for me?”
“Please, it’s too much, I can’t-” She interrupted herself with a gasp as his hand moved again, rubbing her sensitive clit and her hand tightened around his wrist.
“Yes, you can, because I want you to. You can take a little more.” With that he removed her hand from around his wrist and despite her protests she went willingly, letting her hand be pressed into the pillow and keeping it there on Remus’ command to stay.
“Good girl,” he breathed while he moved down, resting his cheek on her thigh and she flushed with the praise, a small whimper escaping her mouth.
“Yeah, that’s it, love, let it out. I wanna hear you, love the way you sound,” he mumbled while he turned his head to watch as he pushed two fingers back into her.
He exhaled, in wonder almost. “So pretty,” he breathed and then his mouth was back on her, his free hand grabbing her hips and holding her down, restricting any movement and Sirius couldn’t do anything, couldn’t pull away from the sensation and all that was left was to simply take it. She lost feeling in her legs as the overstimulation ran through her body, pleas falling from her lips in a constant string of incoherent words and whimpers, her hand tightening in the sheets until her knuckles turned white, but she kept it there while the other wound in Remus’ hair kept trying to push him away and simultaneously trying to lift her hips into the sensation.
The second orgasm was slower, more intense, erupted white behind her eyelids like a supernova, a burning star, moonlight spreading over her skin and Remus didn’t relent until she was finished, went willingly this time as Sirius pushed him away, trying to catch her breath. Her mind felt mushy, no coherent thought forming. Some of Remus’ words filtered through the fog and registered in her brain, she could feel him get up from the bed, lift her and carry her to the bathroom, lowering her into a bathtub filled with hot water and she exhaled in relief as the warmth engulfed her. He joined her quickly and sat behind her, his chest pressed against her back and he held a glass of water to her lips that he produced from Merlin knows where. She drank, obediently, and then settled against him, her eyes closed and a satisfied smile on her face.
“You okay?” He asked eventually when Sirius had come back to herself and her breathing had calmed.
She hummed. “Can’t feel m’legs,” she mumbled tiredly and sighed happily. “T’was amazing though.”
“Don’t stroke my ego like that,” he chuckled lightly against her ear.
“I can stroke you alright,” she joked weakly, but then she frowned. “Did you even get off?” Which was a stupid question because she could feel he was soft and she knew he had definitely been hard.
“I got off just fine, don’t worry about me.”
“Rutting against the mattress, yeah. Nasty dog.”
Remus scoffed. “Bold words coming from a literal dog.”
Sirius snorted. “Oh, and you’re not?”
“No,” he said slowly. “I’m a wolf. There’s a difference.” As if to prove it, he growled into her ear quietly and bit her earlobe gently.
She squeaked and turned around to look at him. “You’re so stupid.” But she kissed him, slow and sweet this time and he kissed her back, helpless, like he couldn’t deny her ever.
They stayed in the bath until their fingertips became wrinkly and eventually they got out, went to bed, where they cuddled close to each other and Sirius fell asleep feeling more sated than she had in a long time. She slept peacefully.