Chapter Text
“All they got is 'quick cooking',” Barney grumbles to himself. He crouches with a groan, knees popping, and hunts through the bottom shelf for old-fashioned rolled oats.
He can’t stand that instant shit - tastes like paste no matter how much you skimp on the milk - and he’s not some hippie health nut, so steel cut’s out.
Not that those two would try it if he bought it. They need half-a-cup of brown sugar and a fistful of raisins between them before they’ll eat his oatmeal as it is.
“What you want with it?” Lee calls. Barney glances up to see Lee standing with feet apart and hands on his narrow hips as he surveys the cereal options.
“It’s winter; we need something hot for breakfast.”
Lee snorts. “S’that some sort of rule from the olden days - need a ‘ot breakfast before you start another day’s work on the farm?”
“Yeah, sure. Call me sentimental,” Barney mutters. Lee’s not all wrong - Barney’s mother did set a steaming bowl of oatmeal at his place every winter morning. Maybe that’s why he’s been so dogged about making it, ever since -
“Da!”
He looks over his shoulder, neck muscle pinching - getting old as shit - to see their two-year-old daughter reaching out her hand to Lee. She swings her feet in the shopping cart’s child seat, fingertips of her little hand rubbing together in what he realizes with a lopsided grin is an attempt to snap her fingers.
Which one of those knuckleheads taught her that, he wonders.
Lee tugs the cart closer, crossing his forearms on the cart handle and propping a foot on the bottom basket. He butts his forehead gently against Mai’s. “What, bit?”
She grins at him, that wide grin that shows her sparse baby teeth, and slaps his arms with her hands. She’s love her Da, alright.
“What is it?” Lee asks in that soft, tender tone that’s just for Mai. “What you want?”
Mai looks past him, at the wall of cereal, and points to the Trix box. “Dat!”
Great. Here we go.
Lee pulls the cart along behind him as he takes a box of cereal next to the Trix down off the shelf.
“This?” he asks.
She shakes her head, her jet-black bob whipping back-and-forth around her head, and leans towards the cereal boxes as she points more emphatically. “Dat...”
Barney can hear the whine in her voice already. He sighs. They should know better by now than to bring her here this close to dinnertime.
He’s trying to focus on his search for oats when he hears her delighted squeal.
“This one?” Lee asks, shaking the Trix box.
“Bunny!” she cries, throwing her head back and waving her hands in delight.
Barney just can’t fucking help himself as he chuckles. Kid’s crazy.
Lee grins at her. “S’right, sweet’eart - that’s a bunny rabbit. What do bunny rabbits do?”
The shopping cart rattles as Mai bounces in her seat. “ ‘op!”
“S’right, they ‘op.” Lee makes the cereal box hop.
Barney hates to interrupt this little moment - but they’ve got at least another twenty minutes of shopping, and they all need to go home and eat. “Ok, time for bunny to go bye-bye.”
Lee pretends like he doesn’t hear Barney; Mai follows suit.
“Lee…” Barney warns, too tired for this shit. “We’re not feeding her that crap.”
Lee’s hand is on his hip so fast Barney almost thinks it’s a reflex-reach for his throwing knives. Mai twists in her seat, looking equally harassed.
Jesus-age-Christ.
“What can’t she ‘ave it? S’loaded with vitamins and fiber.” Lee taps the nutritional label with a hollow thunk thunk. “See? Says so right ‘ere.”
“You know the bitch-fit Toll’ll pitch if he sees this? No thanks - put it back.”
“Oi, she’s my kid, I’ll feed ‘er whatever the fuck I want. ‘e can rant all ‘e like about food dyes and artificial flavors and whatever-the-fuck. S’not his bloody business what she eats.”
“Da!” Mai adds her two-cents, smacking her hand against the cart handle and scowling at Barney.
Two-against-one, huh?
“Our kid’s not getting hooked on this shit, Lee. I have a hell of a time as it is getting her to eat decent. And raising one picky eater is enough.” He gives Lee a pointed look.
Lee huffs.
Mai looks up at Lee through her bangs with a look that says don’t-you-dare-back-down-now.
“You know Tool’s gonna throw that shit out soon as he finds it. She’ll be bouncing off the walls, Lee.”
At the sound of Tool’s name, Mai claps her hands excitedly. “Too-too! Too-too!”
“Fine.” Lee slams the cereal box back on the shelf.
“Ah-ah. Put it down nicely,” Barney chides, using the same phrase they use on Mai.
The smile drops off Mai's face. “Bunny?”
Barney looks at Lee, who looks right back at him, arms crossed over his chest. “Go on then. Tell ‘er she can’t ‘ave it.”
So much for a united front.
“That’s enough of the bunny, Mai. It’s time to go.”
“Bu-u-un-ny!” She whines, arms flailing in a desperate reach.
And here come the hysterics.
“Mai,” Barney warns firmly, knowing it’s like trying to stop a freight train by holding out his hands. “No whining.”
He sees Lee’s shoulders knot up defensively as he waves his hand between Mai and the cereal. “She’s not whinin’ - she's jipped. Was promised the cereal and now she can’t ‘ave it.”
“It’s not about the Goddamn cereal, Lee. She’s -”
“Daddy?” Mai’s mouth starts to wobble, big black eyes clenching shut as she whimpers, “Daddy?”
That’s right. Lee may be fun-dad, playtime-dad, get-anything-you-want-dad, but when she reaches the end of her rope, when she’s tired and hungry and completely fucking done, she wants her Daddy.
Lucky me, Barney thinks.
He lifts her out of her seat as her face starts to crumple, careful not to tangle her feet in the leg holes.
When did she kick off her shoes?
“I know Mai-mai.” He kisses her chubby baby cheeks, always amazed at how soft they are. She winds her arms around his neck, pressing her face into his shoulder as she sniffles.
Lee rubs Mai’s leg, soothing, “S’alright, sweet’eart.”
She kicks her foot.
Barney hikes her up his hip, annoyed with her and annoyed with Lee and annoyed with this Goddamn grocery store. How fucking hard is it to stock old-fashioned oats? Jesus…
“ ‘ere, give ‘er to me -” Lee’s hands are around her tiny waist, tugging gently.
“Sure,” Barney replies congenially, slacking his grip just a hair.
“That’s it, sweet’eart, come to your Da,” Lee coos.
Mai bucks, fisting her hands in Barney’s hair and pedalling her feet wildly. “Daddy! DAD-DY!”
“Ok, enough.”
Only one way this is gonna end.
With a glance up and down the aisle, Barney hoists his squalling baby girl into the air until her face is level with his, flinching as she tightens her hands in hair.
“Mai-mai. Mai-mai-mai.”
He puckers his lips like a goldfish’s and kisses her cheeks, making loud, exaggerated kissy noises.
Mai blinks, tears clinging to her long black lashes, and stops her howling. She watches Barney’s face with interest.
Got your attention, darling?
“Mai-mai.” He wiggles her, making more kissy sounds as he kisses her eyelids, her nose, the corners of her mouth.
She giggles.
Lee is at his elbow in a second, having caught on to Barney’s plan.
It’s purely tactical - distract the boogie from the target before it detonates. Efficient. Effective.
“Got your pigglies,” he hears Lee saying in a voice only slightly higher than his usual tone. He’s lightly pinching Mai’s toes through her socks. “I’m gonna eat these pigglies. I’m gonna eat ‘em!”
Mai wriggles, shrieking delightedly. She lets go of Barney’s hair, cupping his face in her tiny hands and making soft little smooch smooch sounds. She puckers her lips.
He grins. Yep, purely tactical.
“Who’s your daddy?” he asks.
“You are,” is Lee’s rumbled reply. The hooded look he shoots Barney as he tickles their daughter's foot is enough to send a jolt through him.
Mai gives Barney’s cheek a sharp slap! and makes a more insistent smooching sound.
“Baby wants a kiss,” Lee murmurs, winding an arm around the two of them.
“Ya think?” Barney asks with a cocky half-smile.
They both hear the quiet sound of disgust at the same time; Lee is whipping around and stepping out in front of them as Barney shifts Mai onto his back hip. He gives her butt a reassuring pat pat at her squeak of surprise.
“Can I ‘elp you wif somethin’?” Lee snarls at the overweight middle-aged woman standing agape in the aisle.
Behind him, Barney stands at his full height and gives her a hard stare. Mai burrows her face into his chest, fingers twined in his flannel overshirt.
The woman’s grip whitens on her shopping cart; she skuttles quickly down the aisle, disappearing around the corner with a terrified backward glance over her shoulder.
Lee watches her, shoulders tense and fingers flexing at his sides.
Mai whimpers, sensing the shift in their moods.
Kid’s so damn perceptive.
“Oi, none of that now,” Lee sooths, slipping back into a wide, silly grin as he strokes his hand down her silky-soft hair. “Look, bit - Da’s got your pigglies. Gonna eat these pigglies up.”
Barney hikes her up his hip. “Mai-mai-mai.” He makes loud kissy noises as he kisses her ears.
Mai giggles, curling and kicking her legs to avoid Lee’s toe-tickling pinches as she scrunches her ears to her shoulders.
When he and Lee each kiss one of her cheeks, making obscene smooching sounds and tickling her little round belly, she shriek-laughs in ecstasy.