Chapter Text
Hange noticed light coming from around a corner and raised a brow. The fireplace was lit and crackling. No one was ever up at this hour anymore, not since they had lost Levi, but even now that the insomniac was safe at home, his recovery kept him in bed at night for the most part. No, no one was awake right now, and it was dangerous for a fire to be left unattended, so they poked their head around the corner only to gasp and surge forward.
Levi sat before the fireplace, shirtless and on his knees, holding a knife above his heart.
“Levi!” Hange cried, practically tackling him as they snatched it out of his hands, startling him. “What are you doing?!”
Levi fell back as they did so, an almost panicked look in his eyes. He had become much more jumpy since returning home. Under normal circumstances Hange would feel bad for giving him such a scare, but not like this. How could he possibly do this?! After so much effort on behalf of the Scouts to get him home and safe from Marley’s wrath, how could he possibly attempt suicide?! They knew in their heart that they were wrong to think this way, but after all that had happened, they couldn’t help but feel a little anger. Suicide was selfish.
Levi was practically pinned under them, but he didn’t struggle or try to free himself. It was only when Hange released him that he finally spoke up.
“Hange wait, it’s not like that!” He cried, but the section commander barely heard him, too wrapped up in their own emotions to consider his words.
“How could you possibly—“ Emotion crept into their voice, and it almost sounded like they were about to cry. A little bit of irritation found its way into Levi’s chest and he shoved them off fully, freeing himself to sit up proper.
“Hange, I’m not trying to kill myself!” He shouted. “Even if I was, you think I would do it like that?!” He glared over at the knife, now slid across the floor, and Hange followed his gaze.
It was a short little dagger, small and sharp. It was enough to pierce skin, but far from lethal.
Hange realized now they might have overreacted, and they finally relented, giving Levi some space. His face was tense, his body was quivering, and they could practically smell the adrenaline on his skin.
But just because they stepped back didn’t mean their own racing heart was calmed, and they still couldn’t help but to respond with intensity.
“Then what the hell are you doing?!” They demanded.
Now Levi shrunk back. He didn’t look apologetic, but there was an aspect of shame on his face. He reached up and clutched the spot on his chest where he’d held the knife to.
“I - I don’t want -“ Now it was his turn to stutter. He bowed his head and looked away, face tight and conflicted. He paused for a moment, hand over his heart, and it was reminiscent of the military salute. However, when he finally allowed his hand to slide down his chest, it revealed a prominent scar that was seared into his pectoral. Hange peered closer at it in the low firelight, and they were immediately quieted as they saw what it was.
Carved into the skin of his chest was a nine pointed star; the Eldian star. That dehumanizing symbol that the Marleyans used to label someone a devil. And it was seared into Levi’s skin like a brand. Their stomach twisted.
Hange realized with disgust that Levi had likely been forced to wear one of those dehumanizing armbands as well. The mental image of that alone was enough to fill them with vitriol, but that was nothing compared to this. An armband could be removed, but this scar would be here forever.
Levi refused to meet Hange’s gaze as he finally found the words he was looking for.
“I just want to cover it up.” He admitted. “I don’t want to see it anymore.”
Hange, now quieted, just sat and blinked for a moment, taking in the true nature of the situation. After a few seconds of silence, Levi dared to look back at them, and Hange made a decision.
“Stay here.” They said as they rose to their feet, and Levi looked at them with a vexed expression on his face.
“Where are you going?” He asked.
“You’re doing it wrong.” Said Hange. “Just wait here, I’ll be right back.”
Levi anxiously complied as he watched them walk off, leaving him alone by the fire. He didn’t know what they were doing, but he had a lot of trust in Hange despite the fact that they had just tackled him, and their sudden shift in demeanor told Levi that they might actually understand.
By himself now, he reached across the floor and took the knife in his hands again, looking down at it, considering. He didn’t know why he was so scared. Of course it was going to hurt, but it would be nothing compared to what the Marleyans had put him through.
Anxiously, he tested it on his hand, giving himself a shallow cut across his palm. He winced, but he could take it.
He was reminded of the way Eren and the other titan shifters cut their own palms far deeper than this in order to turn into a titan, but the thought made him feel worse. He didn’t want to think about the war.
He was reminded of the way Erwin had blocked his sword with his bare hand that first mission all those years ago. Nearly a decade. The commander still had two thin scars across his palm, and sometimes Levi would take his hand and kiss them softly when they were alone.
But no, Levi just couldn’t think about that right now either. He made a fist with his injured hand, the pain grounding him a little, and a little bit of blood welled up between his fingers.
“You okay?” Hange asked from behind him, and Levi turned his head. They had an armful of bandages, gauze, antiseptic, and Levi blinked a little as he realized that they were going to help him.
“I - yeah.” He answered, and Hange sat down next to him.
“Your hand.” They said simply, observing the blood, and Levi looked away.
“I wanted to see how bad it would hurt.” He admitted quietly.
Hange let out a breath. They gently took his hand and wrapped a bandage around the wound, looking down.
“Don’t do that.” They said.
“I know.” Said Levi, watching them work, and Hange released his hand. A beat passed, neither knowing exactly what to say, before Hange changed the subject.
“How do you want to do it?” They asked, picking up the knife.
The question made Levi twist a little, he was so uncomfortable, but he had thought this through.
“I was thinking like this.” He said, taking his finger and tracing it over his skin. He demonstrated cutting himself in a grid pattern, like a game of tic tac toe, and Hange frowned. That was a lot.
“Four cuts?” They asked. “You don’t think that’s too many?”
Levi shook his head. “No. I want it to be gone, I don’t care how many cuts it takes. Rather do a lot right now than have to come back later and try again.”
Considering this, Hange supposed Levi’s philosophy made sense. “Okay…” They said reluctantly. Then they paused again, cautiously voicing the idea they’d had as they gathered medical supplies.
“You don’t have to agree to this,” They prefaced, “But it would probably scar a lot more if we cauterized it. Heal faster too.” They paused again. “…it would hurt a lot worse though.”
The captain considered. He looked down and squeezed his fist on his now injured hand, then he reached up to touch his chest.
“Yeah,” he agreed. “Let’s do it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Alright.” Said Hange. They took the knife and raked up a few hot coals to the front of the fireplace. They carefully buried the blade in the embers and stared down at it for a second, waiting.
Levi stared too, just sitting cross legged and looking at it. A few beats passed, but Levi was the one who broke the silence.
“Thank you.” He said, and Hange looked at him.
“Of course.” They said. “I… I’m sorry that had to happen to you.”
They thought back to a few weeks ago. Levi had finally made it home, grown well rested enough where he started to seem like himself again, and he had grown confident enough to finally speak his mind.
“You left me behind!” He’d cried. “Was I not worth it to you?! Because I was worth it to them!”
In the ten years they had known each other, Hange had never seen or heard him speak with such emotion. His voice had grown hoarse and strained after the outburst, unused to such intensity after being mute for so long.
He had refused to utter a word to the Marleyans the entire duration of his capture, not even his name, and his voice reflected that. It was so much softer upon his return. He’d barely spoken a word in six months, so a sudden outburst of yelling made his voice strained. Hange was sure he had more to say, but he refused to bear the humiliation of yelling while hoarse, so he had simply huffed and turned away.
He was starting to return to normal now. His throat was no longer scratchy and his voice wasn’t so soft. He spoke more, and it made Hange hopeful that he would continue to heal in other ways as well. However, the utter pain and betrayal in his voice that day stuck with Hange, and as they sat beside him now, they figured it was a good time to apologize.
“I’m sorry that we left you.” They said, and Levi glanced over, surprised that Hange would bring up such an uncomfortable topic of their own volition.
Hange continued. “It was so dangerous to send someone back for you, and I thought if anyone could hold out against them it would be you. Erwin wanted to go back for you so bad, but I didn’t let him. It was me who was responsible for leaving you behind. I’m sorry.”
They watched Levi consider this. They thought back, and it wasn’t only Hange who had been on the receiving end of Levi’s anger that day. Erwin had been there as well, and he’d said the exact same thing as Hange.
“I’m so sorry, I wanted to go back for you. Hange didn’t let me.”
The scientist remembered Levi’s retort to that as well.
“Aren’t you the commander?!” He’d demanded. “You didn’t have to listen to them, you didn’t have to listen to anyone! You outrank them, don’t blame your cowardice on fucking Hange! You’re the commander, I don’t care who said what, the decision to leave me behind was yours in the end. I don’t care how much you wanted to go back, because if you left me behind then you didn’t want it bad enough!”
That was the monologue that had strained his voice to the point of no return. He didn’t give Erwin or Hange a chance to defend themselves, simply turned on his heel and marched off.
When Hange had sought him out to check on him after that, they had found him passed out in bed, he was so worn out from the confrontation.
They hadn’t spoken about it since, but Hange had to bring it up, they couldn’t allow this wedge to remain between them. Hopefully helping him with his scar would earn his forgiveness, at least a little bit.
“Yeah…” Levi said simply, touching his scar again. There was heaviness in his voice, but no forgiveness. Hange wanted to crumple a little, but that was no way to earn his trust back.
But then, Levi spoke again. “I understand.” He said.
Hange perked up a little. “You do?” They asked, and Levi nodded.
“Yeah. I still think you made the wrong choice, but I understand why you did it. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.”
Hange thought back to the airship on that fateful mission. They watched Levi get ambushed, his gear disabled, Erwin had practically thrown himself from the airship, but Hange blocked him off. They knew Erwin loved Levi more than anything, and Levi was the most valuable soldier in the regiment by a large margin, but Hange just couldn’t let him go. There were few things worth more than Levi’s skill, but the Colossal Titan was one of them. Erwin had to stay.
They remembered watching Levi as his enemies closed in. Once his gear had been damaged he knew that his only chance at escape was for a comrade to return for him, and he’d stared up at the airship helplessly, waiting for a comrade that didn’t come.
Sitting here now, watching the knife grow hot in the fireplace, watching the firelight cast shadows on Levi’s dimmed features, watching the light catch on that wretched scar, Hange knew they had made the wrong choice. They thought if anyone could withstand Marleys wrath it would be Levi, but it was apparent to them now that no one could withstand Marleys wrath.
“Thank you for understanding.” They said simply, and then turned back to the situation at hand. They both understood.
The section commander withdrew the knife from the coals and Levi looked at it anxiously. It was glowing red.
“Are you ready?” Asked Hange.
Levi took a deep breath. “Yeah.”
“Okay, lay on your back.” The scientist instructed, and Levi did what he was told. He trusted them.
“Do you need anything to bite down on?” Hange asked.
“Yeah, that’s a good idea.”
Hange looked around for something to use, but Levi had already unfastened his belt and doubled it over itself a few times. He glanced at them one more time before laying back down.
“Okay, are you ready?” Hange asked again. Holding the belt in his teeth, Levi could not answer verbally, but he looked up and nodded before laying his head back and screwing his eyes shut.
Hange put a steadying hand on his breast and felt the muscles quiver in anticipation.
“One, two, three.” They said, their final warning to him before they took the dagger to his chest.
The skin sizzled as the blade met flesh. Levi immediately drew in a sharp breath, and his already tense muscles clenched even tighter. His abs hardened, his fists clenched, and his teeth ground down on the belt so hard it felt like he would bite clean through.
Hange tried their best to work fast, but they also wanted to honor Levi’s wishes and do a good job now rather than have to come back later. They were methodical, trying not to cut too deep or too shallow. Too fast and it wouldn’t scar properly, too slow and Levi would be in pain for that much longer.
He began to breathe harder, keeping his respiration under control to cope with the pain, but he couldn’t help breathing deeper and faster in reaction to the searing pain in his flesh.
Hange found that the rapid rise and fall of his chest hindered their careful work, and they used the steadying hand they had placed on his other pectoral to apply gentle pressure, trying to hold him still, but it had no effect.
“Hold your breath.” They said, quick thinking, and Levi did as he was told, drawing in a final sharp inhale before stilling himself and giving Hange a stable work environment.
“Good,” They praised him, gently smoothing their thumb up and down his skin as they held him, a feeble attempt to soothe him in any way they could.
When they finished the first cut, Levi took a single sharp breath before the knife met flesh again, filling his quivering lungs with fresh air before holding still once more.
“That’s it, you’re halfway, keep doing good.” Hange continued. They didn’t know if speaking to him had any effect, but it honestly helped to soothe themself as well. They couldn’t stand to see him in so much pain.
Is this how the Marleyans saw him? Hange wondered, and then immediately pushed the thought out of their mind. They wouldn’t be able to continue if they thought like that.
On the third cut, Levi threw his head back and arched his spine, twisting slightly and letting out a pained groan from behind his clenched teeth. He lost control of his breathing for a moment, unable to hold back one more strangled sound before he got it back again. He dared to open his eyes enough to give Hange a brief glance, face contorted in pain, and it was something that Hange never wanted to see again.
“Shh, it’s okay, you’re almost done. Only one more after this one and then it will all be over.”
Levi lost control of his breathing for several seconds this time, it was becoming harder and harder for him to maintain composure, and Hange pressed down a little more firmly on his chest.
“Shh, I know you can do it. Keep still, you’re so close. Good, alright, last one.”
They completed the third cut and moved on to the fourth, soothing and reassuring Levi the entire time. He was practically trembling beneath them, but Hange knew it was only because his muscles were clenched so tight that they grew fatigued.
It felt like the final draw of the knife took forever, and Hange had to admit that they allowed their work to get sloppy towards the end, but they couldn’t bear to see Levi like that for one more second.
“There. Done. It’s over. You can breathe normal now.” They immediately took their hands off him, but they found that their own hand was shaking as they set the dagger to the side. They allowed the other hand to smooth fully over the skin of his uninjured breast, soothing like they wished they could have during the moment.
Some of the tenseness left Levi’s face as the knife was withdrawn, and he opened his mouth to let out a fatigued exhale.
Hange touched the belt between his now open jaws, resting on his tongue slightly
“Do you want me to take this?” They asked.
“Uh-huh.” Levi breathed, and Hange did so. He began to sit up, but Hange put a hand on his shoulder.
“Stay down for just a minute, I need to clean it.” They informed him. “The antiseptic will sting, but it won’t be nearly as bad as that.”
Levi nodded, still a little breathless. “Yeah.” He breathed and laid back down.
The cauterization hurt like a bitch, but it was definitely for the best. Not only would the scars be much more prominent, but it was less likely to get infected and there was hardly any blood.
Even so, Levi winced a little bit at the antiseptic, and Hange thought again at how much their heart ached for him. He had never been so sensitive before, typically refusing to show pain no matter how severe. But ever since he’d returned from Marley, this was no longer the case. He flinched and was easily startled, he reacted to pain that he’d previously ignored, and it hurt Hange’s heart to imagine what kind of experiences he must’ve gone through in order to bring about such a change.
Of course, even the old Levi would be in agony having a wound cauterized like that, but now it looked like it took all he had not to cry out. The way he’d lost control of his breath and arched his spine, winced at the mere bite of antiseptic… They noticed he had already torn off the bandage across his hand.
“Alright, you can sit up now,” They told him, having finished disinfecting the wound. Levi did so, and his eyes immediately traveled down to his wound. He didn’t have the best angle to look at the results, but he didn’t make out any shapes reminiscent of his previous mark.
“I made sure to cover it all up.” They assured him, but he did not look comforted.
“Is it going to stay looking like this once it’s healed?” He asked unsurely. Hange began to lay a roll of bandages across his chest, wrapping it around his ribcage for extra security.
“There’s only one way to know for sure.” They said honestly, “But I would be really surprised if someone could recognize it exactly after this. At least, someone who’s never seen it before. How many people have you shown it to?”
Levi continued to look down. “Just you and Erwin.” He said, and Hange felt slightly relieved.
“Then I wouldn’t worry about it. Just keep coming back to me every couple days so I can check on it. I’ll make sure it goes away, I promise.”
“Thank you.” Levi said. He looked behind himself at his discarded belt that he’d bitten down on. Two bite marks, bold and deep, were pressed into the leather, and Levi huffed a little.
“I probably should have picked something else to bite.” He said, holding the belt in his hands and considering the marks. He definitely wasn’t going to be able to wear it again, those imprints were there to stay.
“Worth it.” Said Hange, touching his (now bandaged) chest, and Levi made a breathless little noise, almost a laugh.
“ Pch , yeah.” He said, and cast the belt aside, setting it next to the cooling dagger and the discarded cotton that had been doused in antiseptic to clean his wound.
He didn’t quite know what to say to Hange as he reached for his shirt, feeling the way his new bandages contorted around his body with the movement. As he pulled it over his shoulders he again cast his gaze to his belt, his knife, the bandages and gauze laid out before him, then finally back at Hange.
“Thank you.” He said simply, quietly, and then added, “I was afraid you were going to be upset with me.”
Hange looked away now. “Not you…” They said. “Just… the situation. It’s just fucked up. I’m sorry if I ever come across like I’m mad at you. It’s not your fault.”
“Yeah…” Levi agreed glumly, “Thank you.”
Another awkward pause, a beat passing before either of them knew what to say.
“What do you want to do now?” Asked Hange. “Do you want to make tea or something? Or would you rather go to bed.”
“Tea would be nice,” Said Levi, memorizing the grain of the floorboards. He picked at the torn bandage across his palm and decided he’d better fix it before they walked off.
He pulled it off his hand and reached for a fresh roll, but Hange took it silently. They knew that bandaging one’s own hand was a difficult task.
Again Levi said, “Thank you,” but they both knew that it was about far more than the bandage.
“You’re welcome.” Said Hange as they completed the task, and the two quietly picked up after themselves before dousing the fire and heading off towards the kitchen. Levi was right. Tea would be nice.