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When Ritsu wakes up, consciousness hits him hard. Through his window he could barely make out the beginnings of the rising sun through sleep clouded vision. The semi-conscious part of his mind begs for sleep but is half-heartedly silenced by vague interest in choosing to investigate the disturbance that keeps him from his sweet dreams of nothingness.
Bzzt
The vibrations from his phone travel to his bed through his sheets then to him. He makes a drowsy attempt to grope for the source of his misery, and after a few tries, takes hold of it. As he drags it in front of his face another alert goes off making his hand tingle. This one lights up, blinding him from whoever could be messaging him this late at night.
But of course, he knows who it is, he knew who it was the second he was awoken at 4:53 A.M on a school night. Or, morning by now.
“Hey”
“You up??”
“I found this cool mouse”
He stares at the image attached to the third message, it’s of a shiny black rodent missing an eye and a sizable portion of its mouth exposing large yellow incisors. He knew exactly what this meant, Suzuki had done it on multiple occasions, taking in the gruesome and maimed rodents of Seasoning City. Nursing them back to health and forming an abnormally intimate relationship with each one before sooner or later returning it to the gutter or trash can they’d originated from. But this one, was not a mouse.
“That’s a rat.”
From what he’d seen in the photo it was a rat. One so malnourished that he might’ve thought it to be a mouse I’d not for the thick tail that wrapped around Suzuki’s finger.
“Really?”
“What would I do without you”
The message was blatant sarcasm, yet it still pulled his attention. The words it held forced him into paying closer attention, compelling him re-reading each letter.
“Die of salmonella, now let me go back to sleep”
He added casually, too tired to acknowledge the fact that mice could spread the infection just as easily as any rat. Maybe he’d put too much energy into blocking whatever was rising in him from emerging.
“See you tomorrow”
Again that feeling came in through his window had hit him like a gust of wind but instead this time it took form in his mind's eye. It sat in the corner of his room. He wouldn’t dare look at it, looking at it meant admitting something he doesn’t want to ruin whatever bond he held with Suzuki. That feeling waited, he wouldn’t budge so it left. Back through the way it came, never far from the center of his mind, festering where he couldn’t see it, just under the skin.
The curtains draped in front of the open window blew softly outward as though something incorporeal had traveled through it. Returning his phone to its rightful home atop the wooden nightstand, Ritsu drifted back to sleep. But this time he did not dream of the comforting nothingness that he had pledged himself to, he dreamed of a sensation he would reject with all the passion his fatigued body could summon.
—-
The classroom served as a shelter for him, it was simple and straightforward system. Answering questions when asked, and looking ahead to the board, occasionally stealing glances at the black and white clock above it till the bell sung its song. Today would not be any different from the ones in the past or the ones in the future. This day would not be any different because everything was fine.
If he stared ahead at the board full of notes he knew he should be jotting down then he could pretend. Pretend it wasn't there, sitting atop a desk abandoned by its owner who had left it the past four days swinging its legs and burning a hole through his skull straight to the squishy matter within.
“Mr. Kageyama?” He could wait and stare at the bell till it rang, and by his next class it would be gone, left behind in the desolate classroom. “Mr. Kageyama, if you find my class so boring you are welcome to stand in the hallway till your next one,” all eyes in the room stared at him. All he could do was mutter an apology and attempt to tune into the lesson. But there it was, sitting in the back of the room giggling to itself as though it hadn’t been the cause for his absent mindedness.
He wished it was possible to tear a page from one of his notebooks and set fire to it. To write all of his thoughts and emotions on one single piece of parchment and set it ablaze, obliterating the feeling. Destroying feelings sounded easier than keeping them.
—-
There it was again, but now instead of sitting or standing while taunting him with the power it held over him, it came in the form of words and symbols. He wrote in his diary, a daily habit that he used to occupy empty slots of time when possible. Sometimes thoughts, sometimes emotions, today, it was an unfamiliar mix of both.
Suzuki had been rambling on about the apartment that he shared with his mother whom he’d only begun living with for the last several months after the events surrounding his father’s attempt at taking over the whole of humanity. Ritsu had remembered him talking one night about how he hadn’t really spoken to his mom as often as he thinks he should aside from the regular check-up once or twice a month depending on the psychic's hectic schedule which was solely composed of derailing his fathers plans.
That night had been crystallized in his mind as his greatest slip to date. That particular night he had long since surpassed his quota for homework and study, but even so he sat there doodling into his math notebook and re-reading the same lines written neatly in another notebook. At the time none of that actually mattered to him at the moment, the only real subject that he was focused on was Suzuki himself. He hasn’t been saying much of anything important but that didn’t stop him from speaking into the room about whatever happened to cross his mind.
Since day one Ritsu had found his presence to be imposing and- he really had no other way to put it but ‘there’, it had been so prominent that it was hard not to notice, hard not to miss when gone. Throughout the time Suzuki had begun paying Ritsu visits, his company never failed to stand out to him in a way no one else could. Even being within proximity to him made the edges of the psychic’s mind grapple to keep his attention solely on him.
While caught in his own stream of incriminating thoughts, Suzuki had gone silent while sitting casually atop neat bedsheets, leaving no creases where he sat as if he’d been floating. “Haven’t you been on that page for a while now?” Had he? Probably, he could say no and end the brief conversation at that, but Suzuki had in no way meant the inquiry, more so as a statement that he wanted justification for.
Using a slowly rising yawn as an outlet for the adrenaline that had awarded him with tunnel vision as a prize for his questionable string of thoughts. Ritsu used it as an easy out, spitting some nonsense about feeling tired, and practically showing Suzuki back out the window he had entered through, watching as he flew back to his apartment, crossing a divide Ritsu never dared walk though.
Ritsu watched the curtains sway until he was rudely interrupted by a yawn, the first sign of his body shutting down for the night. Stealing a glance at the digital clock stationed in the far corner of the desk, an unnerving sense of stress dried his throat. This was too much, whatever this was, he wanted it gone and out of his life, permanently. What was needed was an outlet, and he knew of only one.
Swallowing thickly he reached for the navy blue notebook wedged between the stack of school books to his left. The sole difference between it and the many others he kept in his desk and bag, was its contents. Inside of it, was nothing but thoughts, thoughts about his friends, family, school. But Suzuki had never really fit into any of those categories had he?
He supposed Suzuki had nothing to do with this anyway, which made ceasing all thought based around him the most logical choice. Which is why he instead wrote about his day at school and how he watched a student fall asleep mid-class only to be discourteously awoken by the teacher slapping her hand against the chalk board at full force. The incident had called him back to a memory not even a few months old where he had been nearly the exact same.
With testing week imminent sleep had been the last thing on the espers mind. Suzuki had been quick to take notice of the others' fatigued behavior, brought on by 3 full hours of sleep and an unhealthy intake of tea. One specific night Suzuki had refused to tolerate the others drowsiness any longer and dragged him straight to bed. (Not without a battle involving a good deal of telekinesis of course) It took what little energy he had left not to immediately succumb to the lul of sleep when his head hit the pillow. After jokingly tucking him in Suzuki had given him some lecture about how taking care of the body takes care of the mind. Much of it had been lost on the languid esper but the one thing that hadn’t was the small peck the redhead had placed in between his temples before leaving for the window.
In an instant, Ritsu froze, placing the pencil down and allowing it to roll off the desk and onto the floor with a hollow sound.
He caught himself in the act, absentmindedly allowing it to slip through his writing, as if it wasn’t bad enough that it had rooted itself in his mind. As if it wasn't bad enough the last few pages having been overturned with thoughts of him turned to words.
—-
Despite knowing that studying for one impending test or another was inevitable, Ritsu allowed Suzuki to take him on a detour, a short walk around town he had promised. The ‘short’ ones always took the longest.
“-yeah, and apparently they’re massive,” Suzuki walked a few paces ahead of him, leading him to their indefinitely arbitrary destination.
How long has he been talking? Before falling into his own thoughts Ritsu had remembered the esper saying something about some information on bug catching he had picked up from his mom. No doubt another endless rambling to fill the void of silence, not that he minded having something to tune into. Rarely enough, he’d even absorb a fact or two. “There aren’t many of them during the winter, but I used to go during the summer with Shige.” Ritsu weighed his options before chancing another sentence . “You could come with us Shuzuki,” it was an invitation, he was free to take it or leave it. It wouldn't matter anyway considering the matter would be dropped entirely in the span of a few weeks. Leaving Ritsu to ask again when the warmer months actually arrived.
He also seemed to contemplate thoughts of his own as he stopped, allowing Ritsu time to catch up. Suzuki turned on his heel to face Ritsu. “Shou, call all me by my first name, Shou. Since we’re best friends.” He stares him straight in the eyes, leaving the former question to be forgotten till summer rolls around.
“Right…” If there were any opportunity to say the word, it was now, right before its owner. His one chance, “Shou,” It’s strange he wants to try it again, but he’d only been able to say it once and he had, still unsure about the feelings it rouse within him so this time he mouths it. It isn’t the same without the sound it makes but even so it still sends a ghostly chill through his body. He wants to try it again, but before he realizes, they’re walking again, turning a corner now.
An irritably familiar feeling comes rushing to the front of his mind and makes his vision swim, he looks it in the eyes, silently acknowledging it. He’d acknowledge it and nothing more, no emotion was worth ruining the something he already had.
But even so, just for a moment when he glanced at it… it smiled at him with orange hair and blue eyes.
—-
Any normal day can become something extraordinary, Ritsu was more aware of that than most being the target of kidnappings more than once. But the shock was still enough to shatter his mind, to leave it fragmented on the ground, each shard reflecting the same moment. Maybe it had, maybe long ago one fatal hit from any member of Claw had damaged his brain, swiftly killing him. That would make more sense, it’d be easier to cope with too.
“Ya know, I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you.” He says so casually that if Ritsu had been any farther in his own mind he might have passed it off as any other offhanded comment. He might have actually passed it off. If it hadn’t instantly became the center of his focus. Blocking out all other passive thoughts threatening to deduct his attention from such a major event.
He doesn’t even have the courtesy to turn around and face him, he was probably never taught. No, maybe he was, Ritsu could imagine his father giving him a speech about how eye contact equals power, but that would mean he was just as afraid as he was wouldn’t it? If so, then for the life of himself he couldn’t make sense of why Shou would do this to them. Was living like this not enough for him, in a perpetual loop of untold feelings?
The only other question that threatened his way of life, the one that requires an immediate remark. He’d read plenty of sappy romance manga and viewed even more rom-coms on TV but drew a complete blank as to what any of the many main characters would do in a situation like this. He now understood why so many of them had run away in such situations, being expected to convey the hurricane of emotions that had tormented him for longer than healthy? Before logical thought became an option words tumbled off his lips in batches. “I’ve been thinking about it,” maybe it was better this way to get everything he needs off his chest, to be able to breathe again. “And I think I am too. Helping you when you tried to take down your dad, and spending time with you, it… it made me realize that I like being with you.”
He didn’t need to tell him that he consumed his mind during any part of his day that was unproductive, of which there became far too many of. He didn't need to tell him that recently he’s only dreamed of short orange hair and bitter rejection.
Shou stops walking a few steps ahead and lets Ritsu catch up this time. He folds his hands behind his head and contemplates, “cool, then I can say that I love you.” The ghost of a smile forms on his lips and he continues walking ahead, smiling goofily as if he’s looking directly into the future, staring at whatever they become and giggling to himself.
Ritsu regards him, a feeling that he has become well acquainted with appears before him, it merges with him, not swallowing him but bonding with a small piece of himself. It whispers its name to him, urging him to try it. He does, in the form of a mumbled ‘I love you too’.
He now knows it’s name, love.