Work Text:
Every time Minho looked at Jisung it was never enough. He realised he craved his attention the second day after they got introduced at the company.
It didn’t matter where he was, Jisung always felt the pull. At first, he didn’t know why. He figured it would have been between the 2 reasons. Minho was drop dead gorgeous for one, so anyone would have felt the pull becoming like a moth to a flame. Minho was also a new friend and a new team member that had Jisung wrapped around his finger with how excited Jisung got for getting to know the new guy.
Jisung never truly liked getting to know people. He was never one to approach them, and he was never one to find it easy but he managed. Minho somehow made it much easier and Jisung was never more grateful when people were like that. When people appreciated his shyness at first and made sure to ask him questions which in the end opened him up much more and he could carry conversations like no one’s business. Minho was exactly like that so they got over the shyness quite quickly. What struck Jisung the most was that Minho was so peculiar to Jisung that he couldn’t keep himself away for too long from the boy as curiosity of getting to know him more and more would pull him in every time. Jisung could never satiate his appetite for things to know about the boy. He wanted to know what Minho thought about his music, he wanted to know what Minho liked or disliked and why and most of all, he revelled every time Minho unknowingly surprised him by spitting out another random fact or challenging him far more than he was used to, by stealing Jisung away to try a new place and feeding him until Jisung could take no more.
So it was no surprise that Jisung found himself often seeking Minho's attention and time. That’s how he found himself walking down the all too familiar bordeaux coloured corridors of the JYP training centre.
Following an effortlessly memorised path towards the basement studio, his feet dragged him to seek out Minho for the millionth time again that week.
And the best part was that Minho let him.
As always he found Minho at the end of the hall, exactly where he expected him to be in the late afternoon.
“Hi, Hyung!” he stuck his head out the door, already cheesing away without a doubt at feeling happy to see his friend.
“Hi, Hannie.” Minho mirrored the same.
“Can I come in?” the younger one peered at him.
“Sure, sure, you don’t have to ask.” Minho smiled at him sweetly even if he was a little out of breath. Hearing Minho’s voice, and seeing him sweaty, slightly panting and tired but still in good spirits made Jisung feel well at ease.
“What are you working on?” Jisung asked. He never truly paid attention to what it was Minho was dancing to. He was just too mesmerised at seeing him move. The complex steps and sequences all paled before the control Minho had over his body and over Jisung’s attention. He would note that it didn’t take much for Jisung to start syncing Minho’s breaths to his own. And Jisung hoped that unknowingly to a practising Minho, he would be let to follow every move.
He’d only just managed to conceal the staring by flipping at his phone and looking blankly at it. If it ever came to it, he could pretend he was on his phone while looking through the phone’s camera. Whatever that would make him seem less inconspicuous and let him just watch. It didn’t matter what it was he was dancing to as long as Minho was dancing and Jisung could see him.
“I thought, I’d do a choreography to this song by Charli Xcx, it’s called “1 night”, heard of it?”
“Hmm, no, I don’t think so.”
“Do you want me to show you..? Or are you just gonna stare at me for the rest of the hour of my practice?”
“Hey! It’s… Well, I find it quite relaxing if I think about it.”
Minho burst into giggles.
“Relaxing you say… Don’t be lazy, Jisung-ah. At least help me warm up.”
✦
✧
✦
Warming up turned into Minho showing Jisung his choreography.
“No, Jisungie, it goes like..” Minho mimics the rhythm of the song while showing his movements.
Jisung tries to repeat.
“Yeah, yeah, you got it!”
Jisung smiles at him appreciatively and then they both giggle. They’ve been at it for the better half of the hour. Both sweaty and high on energy.
“Minho, your sweat formed a heart,” Seungmin laughed it off.
Jisung didn’t even register when Seungmin came to the practice room. He was so used to the boys going in and out as they pleased.
“It did?” Jisung shuffled back to take a peek at the back of Minho’s shirt. “Wow..”
“Let’s go for another one?”
“Let’s go!”
“Seungmin, film it? Please?” Jisung pulled out his phone from his front pocket and gave it to the boy in braces.
It took them a few times more to go over the choreography until they got tired and happy enough with the result. The sun was barely over the horizon which meant dinner time was approaching and this truth echoed in the empty feeling of Jisung’s stomach.
It was a no-brainer to order food and after a good 20 minutes, they were all three sitting in a circle slurping mouthfuls of ramen noodles.
✦
✧
✦
When Minho met Jisung and Jisung met Minho he didn’t know about his condition for the first 3 years. Minho said he didn’t share it with everyone, only some of his closest friends and relatives knew about it. He didn’t feel like he was hiding it but when he was young it became too bothersome to answer all the questions that came with something so unique.
It was hard for him, especially being so young that he’d get attacked by everyone who was curious. His eyes used to shine the brightest greenish yellow when he laughed so everyone would notice it. When he was sad no one would dare come to him because his icy stare would make everyone around a 5 feet radius avoid him, not that it was Minho’s intention at all. He was just sad.
And sometimes his eyes shone a new colour, he’d learned to distinguish the colours between the most basic emotions. Having lived with his condition, he knew what they shone when he was happy or sad or excited but every once in a while a new colour would show and since there was no manual for these things and lots of discussions within scientist world never made a concrete conclusion because people were different and every colour could mean something different to them too. That didn’t stop people from asking him “Well, what do you feel?” and he would have nothing to reply to them because feelings were hard to express and understand.
In his early adulthood, he’d go around and around in his head but he never ended up resolving the meanings because emotions were too complicated to understand. It’s not an exact science he’d say. He was just feeling and he let those feelings be. It was so much more simple like that. After a while, he hoped he’d get a hang of it.
The thing is, eye colours are unique to every person. Even if some colours would fall under similar classifications of feelings, there were always interpretations that were unique to each person.
Minho shared this part of him with the closest people, one by one and every member ended up discovering it differently. Then after a while, Minho just stopped caring and everyone got used to it. It was still unusual but no one questioned it, it was a quirk that Minho had and everyone accepted him as it was - just another Minho thing.
When Jisung first caught a glimpse of his greenish-yellow eyes, he figured it must have meant something happy because Minho was laughing his hardest, barely able to keep his eyes open. Jisung loved seeing him like this. He also loved making him laugh. Sometimes it would even come out of nowhere when they start giggling and they were barely able to hide their laughs from others whether that be teachers, staff or members. Jisung loved it when the colour would come out. He treasured it every time. Nothing made life more beautiful than a glimpse of greenish-yellow eyes.
✦
✧
✦
Every day that passed, Jisung was struggling more and more to convince himself that seeing Minho didn’t make his heart race, feeling his touch didn’t make his hands sweat and having Minho look at him didn’t make his brain short-circuit.
Because as much as he feared to admit it, it did, and from his vast knowledge of romance dramas and movies, there was only one conclusion he could make.
He had a crush on Lee Minho.
✦
✧
✦
Jisung had Minho lying down on his wing after he snuck into his bedroom for a now regular movie night. It was something they grew accustomed to doing, becoming a part of their weekly or in less busy seasons, even daily routines after they were done with the schedules for the day.
The times when Minho would exclaim he wanted to do it alone, became times he did them alone in the company of one Han Jisung. And Jisung liked this development a lot.
Jisung paused the Spy family episode they were currently watching to make a short break, because no they were not going to miss one single second of the episode, but yes, he absolutely had to go pee right now. Minho just hummed, it was all in Jisung’s hands apparently.
When Jisung came back he crawled over Minho into his reserved corner of the bed. Minho was scrolling through his phone so Jisung thought it was a trick of his eyes that he saw Minho’s eyes shine a purple shade. He had to take a second look.
“Hyung… Your eyes…”
It’s not the first time he’s seen Minho’s eyes change colour. And if he was being honest, after finding out about Minho’s condition, it was something he looked forward to. His favourite colour was a greenish yellow but this time it was a different one.
"Hmm? What is it?" Minho had felt startled at the unusual way Jisung had looked at him and thoughts of insecurity swarmed in his head. Does he look weird now?
“What colour are they?”
"They're purple. Yeah… They look kinda purple to me" Jisung said thoughtfully.
Minho's eyes widened at that. Purple? That was unheard of.
"THEY'RE WHAT? Oh my gosh, I must look like an alien right now" He whined.
"I think it suits your purple hair very well," Jisung said way too casually.
"Oh." Minho’s eyes darted around the room. Something warm bloomed in his chest and he hoped it didn’t transfer into his cheeks.
"Oh wow. Look at me! They kind of gleamed. What do you think they mean?"
"I- I don't know" Minho was flustered.
"You don't? I thought you knew most of the colours..?" Jisung tried to hide his disappointment.
"But my eyes were never purple..."
"Never?" His face was permeated by shock.
"Nu-ah..."
Yeah. Purple, so that’s new…
“That. That’s interesting. Can you guess what they could mean?” Jisung pressed.
“Jisungie, it’s not like they gave me an instruction to my eyes when I was born. At least, my mom left that out if there was one... I’ll have to ask.” He said it dead seriously, fully knowing no one ever has any clue what his or people like his coloured eyes truly mean. His condition was a terrible case of “It depends on the person”, “We don’t have enough data to build a case” or whatever the newest catchphrase was.
“In any case, if I ever find out, I’ll tell you.”
“Promise?” Jisung pleaded with eyes as big and shiny as black boba balls that would always turn Minho into putty.
Minho snickers. It seems like it was quite serious to Jisung.
“I promise. I’ll tell you.”
“For all I know, it could mean I don’t like your presence here,” Minho added jokingly. Always trying to keep his composure and secrets hidden while feigning the opposite of the truth.
“NO, you don’t!” Jisung caught on and smacked him with a pillow.
“Last I checked, you’re in MY bed!” Jisung confronted Minho while they suddenly wrestled like kids. “And maybe it’s my cue to kick you out.”
Minho’s eyes widened and he looked offended. That made Jisung giggle, that’s right, he should be offended.
Kicking Minho out of his bed is the one power he had over him.
“Don’t you dare!” Minho countered. “I’ll be sticking to camping here, you’ll have to take me and your bed to schedules from now on,” Minho said so by grabbing anything he could see on the bed, pillows, plushies and blankets, including the blanket that was currently covering Jisung, in an attempt to claim everything for himself. “I’m never parting from it.”
“You’re a baby!” Jisung exclaimed through fits of laughter.
“Still an older baby than you, so respect me as you would.”
“That you are…”
Jisung moved to take his things out of Minho’s grasp and accidentally pressed play on the episode which turned his focus on the show again.
“Shhh! Let’s just watch.” He quieted them down.
While the show was playing, they both divided the property of Jisung’s bed in equal measure and once everything was divided and in the right place they fell into comfort against each other.
✦
✧
✦
You're like the wind gnawing at my lips. Sometimes cold, sometimes warm, barely there, always there, never where I want you to be.
“Earth to Jisung, are you here?”
“Huh?” Jisung stirred in his seat on the couch.
“I thought you drifted off for a moment, how do you like this verse?” Changbin asked.
✦
✧
✦
When Minho left his bed for the night, curiosity about his eye colour still plagued Jisung. So he did what he was so used to doing. He looked for answers on Google.
He frantically searched for “credible” pages which ended up being blog accounts that told the blogger's personal experiences about the strange condition but Jisung found relatively no or very subjective information on what colours meant. And especially not even a hint of any clarity on the question he was most curious about – what did purple mean?
He stumbled upon a website recounting the experiences of several people all summarized by some association overlooking research and awareness of the condition.
Yes!
He swipes through colour definitions and combinations but his mood sours with every sentence he reads.
Plum is the colour most coloured eyes associate with disgust. As the combination of blue and red, plum is a very powerful colour that evokes an emotional response of rejection or revulsion to something considered distasteful or unpleasant.
Disgust tends to appear as a strong and visceral emotion that can arouse powerful affective and behavioural responses, especially in relation to other people or preferences. While the emotion originated for the ability to defend against infectious diseases, it can often cause maladaptive behaviours, interfering with the ability to adjust to socially appropriate life as it interferes with building connections with people that evoke such emotion.
Okay, if Jisung was sincere with himself he didn’t get half of what it said, hence why he read it a couple of more dozen times. After his fifth read, he made a conclusion that had his stomach turning and his chest heaving with a bad feeling.
There’s no way…
Like… Really there’s no way Minho would feel this way about him?
Or is there?
The rational part of his mind knew that the condition was heavily under researched and he had heard that the colours could have different meanings but now that he had read a fact of what it could mean, he spiralled.
Maybe when Minho said he doesn’t like his presence, he wasn’t joking?
One bright evening turned into a sour one and Jisung fell asleep crying into his pillow.
✦
✧
✦
A week later, he walked out of the studio and decided to look up the association he had found on Google, figuring that it would only take him 15 minutes if he caught the bus.
He ran in the direction of the bus and managed to get on as the last passenger.
He was going to regret this.
But he had to start somewhere.
The association building revealed itself after they passed a green park and Jisung got out of the bus right in front of a modern white building.
He hated meeting new people. He wasn’t even sure it was worth going in, but maybe he could just act interested and find something out.
So, he came up with a plan. At least, he was good at spontaneity.
“Good afternoon, how may I help you?” Says a sweet looking elder woman sitting at the receptionist's desk.
“Hi! I-I am interested to talk to someone who could tell me about the coloured eye condition. You see, my grandma has gotten very old,” he prays this doesn’t get him in trouble with any grandmas. “She has difficulty speaking and expressing her thoughts at this point in her life and has always had this condition, so I-I would love to find out more about it so I can help her live her last days more comfortably, yes…”
“Oh, that’s kind of an unusual request. May I ask if you have any particular inquiries about the condition to find the right specialist that you could contact?”
Out of the corner of his eye, Jisung spotted someone passing by.
“Miss Oh, I’ll be back in a couple of hours if anyone will be looking for me.” A young man nodded to the receptionist.
“Mister Yoo, wait! I have this young gentleman and who better to help than you!” She clapped her hands.
“Yes?” Mister Yoo sounded intrigued.
“Oh, you see this young gentleman’s grandma is of poor health, has trouble expressing her thoughts but carries the coloured eye condition and the young man has some questions about it, it seems. Would you be able to spare 5 minutes, sir?”
Mister Yoo seemed to consider it.
“I don’t actually have much time today but perhaps…”
“I could offer you a coffee?” Jisung grasps at a sliver of hope to find some answers but is taken aback when he sees a purple shine in the young doctor’s eyes.
“O-or anything else…?”
“Sure, I’ll take you up on that offer. I’ll be heading to the town hall, you can ride with me.”
Jisung eagerly followed the man out of the building and they ended up on the lower levels of a parking lot. He was wary about an invitation to sit in the stranger’s car but sat down anyway.
He shot a quick message to Changbin - If I don’t turn up in an hour, call a search party.
“So, you had some questions…?”
“Yes! My frie- grandma has this condition, but she’s never really been open about it with me and now that she’s struggling to speak in general, I was wondering if any experts would consult me on some questions.”
“Oh, I’m no expert, although I have been a researcher for 10 years, so I’ll try to answer to the best of my ability. Shoot away.”
“Okay, okay. Uh… I’m mostly interested in the meaning of the colours…”
“Aren’t we all…” Mister Yoo chuckled
“Right, so I’ve heard colours are difficult to interpret but is there any unanimous meaning? Can you tell what every colour means?”
They pulled up in a drive-through for a local restaurant chain. Mister Yoo made an order and asked Jisung what he wanted to order. They took a jasmine tea and an iced americano. Jisung kindly paid for their order and turned to the young researcher to hear his answer.
“Okay, so to answer your question: yes and no. We have noticed most people fall into clusters where one colour can have very close meanings. Let’s see, for example, yellow, greenish yellow in some cases can indicate happiness. We have to remember that the feeling must be very strong for the colour to show up at all. However, we are struggling to classify people into these clusters, we haven’t found a way to discern between genetics, personality or the mood of a person to neatly put them in a cluster, but so far we have derived a conclusion that it’s not possible to easily consider anyone as part of a cluster without doing extensive research.”
“Hmm. Can I ask whether you have this condition?” he asked even if he knew the answer.
“Yes, I do. It’s the essential reason why I have been researching this topic for god knows how long.”
“Okay, so when a new colour shows up in your eyes, can you tell its meaning?”
“Usually, I’m able to tell. New colour… Hmm… That rarely ever happens, I believe most colours have already shown up in my lifetime unless I didn’t catch it myself.”
“Why is that?” Jisung sips on his iced americano.
“As a person over 30 years old, I believe I have discovered most colours in my eyes, although you can never be sure about these things. As you grow old, young man, even things you thought you knew about yourself might surprise you.”
Jisung hummed.
“When was the last time you found a new colour?”
“I’d say 5 or 7 years ago. They’ve stopped showing up since then.”
“My grandma... Has been showing purple recently. What do you think it means?”
“Give me your cup.”
“M-my cup? Why?”
“You’ll see.”
Mister Yoo took Jisung’s iced americano and caught a whiff of the coffee. His eyes instantly turned purple.
“Wow, what is it?”
“That is disgust, young man.”
“D-disgust? Why?” Jisung stutters.
“My guess is it’s because I had an “accident” when I was a kid and from that point on I couldn’t even look at coffee.”
“Oh. Does purple always mean disgust?”
“No, not always but as far as I’ve seen, it usually does.”
Jisung shivered.
“Your five minutes are up! Good luck with your grandma!” He winked.
Mister Yoo pulls up to a bus stop to let Jisung out and headed his own way.
Jisung was left out on the road with more questions than assurances as he waved at Mister Yoo and stared into the distance as the man drove away.
✦
✧
✦
He looks at his phone after what felt like hours to find Changbin’s messages.
What the fuck do you mean? Where are you and what did you get yourself into?
Jisung
Went the other way home, and thought I’d get lost.
Be home in 10
Changbin
istg don’t ever pull that shit again
I’ll tattoo a map on your hand if you need it
When Jisung finally reaches the dorm, it’s so quiet he thinks no one might be home. But then he discovers Seungmin and Jeongin hanging around in the kitchen.
There’s never going to be a better time to ask so he just makes up his mind to do it now. Or else it would be never.
He greets the younger guys casually and they chat about their days until Jisung gathers his courage to ask all about Minho having purple eyes and what that could mean… They must have seen them too, right?
“Purple eyes?” Seungmin thinks. “Hmm, no I don’t think so.”
“He always has bright greenish eyes with some yellow, I think. At least sometimes when he laughs he has that.” Jeongin supplies.
“And purple? What do you think it means?”
“Hmm… I’m not sure, he once said to me he’s not always sure about the meaning himself but the feeling must be pretty strong for it to have a colour, right?” Seungmin contemplated.
“Yeah… That’s what most people say anyway..”
Jisung began to feel the thoughts eating at him.
“So you haven’t seen him with purple eyes, right?”
“No, I haven’t” they both confirmed.
So it’s only me.
“You should ask him though, these things are quite fascinating, aren’t they?” Seungmin chatted excitedly.
“Yeah, yeah, they are.” Jisung faked his excitement. “I sure will! Thanks, guys.”
He turned around and rushed to his room, to his safe space. If he’s the only one that sees it and it must be a pretty strong feeling then… Then maybe it really is disgust. And maybe Minho has been lying to him and he’s been a fake friend. And suddenly it’s all that matters and Jisung can’t make his mind focus on anything else. Maybe Minho was just pretending to care because he had to. That must be it.
The sole thought consumes him whole and he curls up in his bed as tears fall across his face.
✦
✧
✦
Rehearsals start for their tour in Europe. Yes, the tour they were supposed to take years ago but the dates never came. They’re finally going now and everyone is ecstatic except for Jisung who has kept his mind busy, thinking over and over about his relationship with Minho. From the day he met him, to the last day he saw him.
And in turn, he keeps avoiding Minho if he can help it. He’s not sure Minho’s caught on yet since rehearsals and heavy schedules take up both of their time before the tour even starts.
Minho ties his shoelaces runs a hand through his hair and exhales a huff out of breath.
Jisung’s heart sputters and falls to the ground. It strikes him that Minho is leaving.
He wasn’t though, he only adjusted his position and relief flooded over the younger.
I really thought you were leaving me.
Yeah, so maybe Jisung didn’t want to admit it but his mind couldn’t help but follow every move Minho made.
He had no intentions of following him but never wanted Minho to leave either.
✦
✧
✦
Three shows passed, and they have already fallen into the routine of rehearsals, performances, radio shows and other promo activities. Some boys still make time to explore the cities they visit.
After such an outing Chan and Changbin were nice enough to bring burgers to the hotel room.
“Something is on your mind, I can tell,” Chan remarks.
“What do you mean? No way, there isn’t!” Jisung feigns ignorance.
“You’ve been brooding way too much recently,” Changbin notes.
“Hyung, what are you even saying… I was not.”
“Oh really? We couldn’t tell from the way you have been avoiding Minho if he ever came 5 feet near you, and the way you’ve been brooding in your hotel rooms instead of going out with us, dude, you’re missing all the fun!”
Jisung sighs.
“And what have I been missing?”
“Felix and Hyunjin almost made out near the Eiffel Tower yesterday.”
“No, they did not!” Jisung punched Changbin’s arm jokingly. “It’s just your imagination talking.”
“Oh, but you will never know! Since you weren’t there.” Changbin teased him.
“What’s up with you, Jisungie? You know you can tell us.” Chan coos.
“Stop babying me, Hyung”
“Then stop pouting and acting like a baby, what’s up?”
Jisung’s pout dissolves and he falls into Chan’s arms.
He scrunches up his face in pain once he starts thinking about the issue that has been plaguing his mind recently.
“It’s just that.. Lee Know Hyung’s eyes are purple whenever he looks at me.”
“And?”
“And he only has purple eyes when he looks at me… And I think it means something bad.”
He sighs. He waits for them to say anything but no one says anything.
“Well…Have you asked him about it?”
“I sort of did and he said he didn’t know but his eyes never changed and so I’ve been avoiding him because that’s all I can do.” Jisung sighs and adds. “I’m scared to ask.”
“Jisungie, I think you’ve built your walls too high for anyone to reach you. You don’t even know what it means, yet you think it means something bad?”
“I’m not imagining things! I looked it up… Among other things… But alas all sources have confirmed it might mean something terrible and if that’s the case, I just don’t want it to get any worse. So I’ve been avoiding it, I truly don’t know how to do this.”
“That’s okay… But you might be hurting yourself over nothing, just don’t make it any bigger deal than it already is. Avoiding it won’t help and if it is something really bad then there are other ways to cope, maybe after talking it out you’ll see through it or if not then we’ll help you. It can’t be that terrible, I can’t imagine Minho feeling anything bad towards you, especially not after—”
“Channie Hyung is right. You should talk it out.” Changbin cuts him off.
“Wait. After what?” Jisung asks.
“You won’t know until you’ll talk it out, simple as that.” Changbin smiles.
“So you’re telling me you know something I don’t and you won’t tell me.”
“Exactly.” He confirms.
Jisung lets out a disgruntled sound.
“Well, that leaves me with only one option. Wait until Minho approaches me or avoid him until I grow up which is basically forever.”
“NO!” 2racha both scream.
“Why not?” Jisung asks all pouty.
“Because Minho is obviously so—” Chan begins.
“Stop, we’re not telling him. He’s playing a game.” Changbin cuts him off again.
“Ohhh!” Chan realises.
Jisung rolls his eyes. Welp, they caught him.
“As you can see, this is quite unproductive, you two just gotta talk.”
“I’ll think about it.”
2racha both howl.
“All of your thinking hasn’t really been leading into anything..has it,” Changbin sighs.
“But it just might.” Chan winks.
✦
✧
✦
Jisung felt they were growing apart and it hurt all the same. To see him every day in rehearsals, in shows, in buses that drove them from one city to the other, Jisung pretended he was too tired, to spend more time alone and less time with Minho.
It was torturous to be anywhere near him but it was also torturous harbouring feelings of love from Minho. He still wanted to be taken apart and put together by Minho only.
Minho was at the back of his mind all the same.
The last conversation they had didn’t move the ice around just kind of swirled it.
“Hyung, do you know what the colours in your eyes mean?”
“Hmmm, well I can feel it more than I know it, sometimes I can, some emotions are very clear, some are not so much. Why the sudden interest in my eyes?”
“Just wondering.”
Jisung picked up his apple, coffee and sandwich to the table for breakfast.
Minho sat in front of Jisung but Jisung didn’t make eye contact with him. They don’t talk. They didn't talk. It was awfully too quiet for his liking and Jisung reminisced about the times he felt comfortable with Minho at all.
When he picked up his tray of food to take it to the food stand, it wasn't the first time he saw them but it may have been the last time he wanted to.
The icy blue eyes flickered in Minho's face and Jisung was not sure what to make of it. Minho's face was calm and collected and Jisung wondered how he could be like that, how he could feel so much and yet not show it.
How could he be himself when a part of him was always hidden?
Icy blue, what did that even mean? What other awful thing could it mean?
He left without a word.
✦
✧
✦
The European tour ends and the boys go back to their regular routines.
Minho is cooking a chicken stew and at least 5 of them are chatting like usual in the kitchen.
Minho talks about how much he’s missing his cats, tells them about the demanding schedule he had today and Jisung doesn’t even notice when it happens but he’s being spoon-fed by Minho the delicious chicken stew Minho was making. I guess old habits don’t die.
But something doesn’t sit right with him.
Minho’s eyes are purple again.
Jisung shivers. Why? Why does it have to be purple out of all colours? Why can’t it be any other colour and why of all things, purple is closest to disgust? Is that what it truly means to Minho?
He unconsciously slips into the mindset and starts fidgeting as thoughts plague his mind. He wishes he could read his mind, he wishes he could just know what it all means. He would hate to find out that Minho doesn’t like him the same. And what if that’s true... What then?
Jisung’s fears and sorrow turn to something darker. He doesn’t want to be angry but he’s so tired of thinking things over and over in his head. He feels almost desperate. Why does it always have to be him? Why is it always him that gets hurt in the end? He feels like he’s known Minho for so long, he couldn’t be one of the bad ones, could he?
Jisung thought he had him figured out. He thought they were both best friends and if anything they at least had a special bond that no one else had but if all of this was fake and Minho is lying... All of his world would shatter into pieces and turn on its axis.
Jisung is getting more and more frustrated from the anger and fears that he’s talked himself into. How can Minho make him all these dinners, feed him and ask him how he’s doing all while looking at him with purple eyes that can’t hide his feelings of disgust?
“Look at me! And tell me what you feel!” Jisung’s thoughts slip up and he practically yells at Minho. He can’t hide his anger well, he never could... A few heads whip up to him.
“T-tell you how I feel? W-what is this about?” Minho is so taken aback that he almost drops a spoon he was stirring with.
“Just tell me, Hyung! Tell me what you feel!”
“U-uh, why so suddenly?”
Jisung must know. He must know I’ve fallen in love with him. And he doesn’t like it. That’s why he’s been avoiding me. He probably caught on to the meaning of purple in my eyes. I really should start wearing contact lenses again.
Minho turns his face away and looks down.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. If something is bothering you, then just say it and I’ll take care of it.” Minho’s lip quivers.
He stops looking up at Jisung and Jisung hates it. He doesn’t hate the eyes, he doesn’t hate the feelings that Minho is hiding, he just wants to know what they are.
He gulps down.
“I- I should go.” Minho turns and walks away leaving the stew cooking on its own.
Shit.
This didn’t go as he planned.
“What the fuck is your problem?” Jeongin asks him.
Jisung is so stunned he can’t mutter anything. He didn’t mean to make Minho upset, he just wanted to know.
He follows Minho and peers into Minho’s room.
“No! Go away, Jisung” Minho takes a step back, startled. “I don’t want you to look at me! Stop looking at me!”
Jisung doesn’t see it but Minho’s eyes turn black.
✦
✧
✦
A few days later Jisung dragged himself all alone into the studio and listens to the demo Chan worked on, the extended audio file is just something he usually looks through because he needs to hear the whole song to get in the mood for writing. Chan usually makes a few variations of the same thing so the files tend to get a bit long. So when he sees an 8 minute audio clip he’s not fazed but as he listens, he doesn’t expect to hear a recorded conversation between Chan and Minho, Chan must’ve forgotten he was recording and didn’t delete it afterwards.
“What’s up? Are you okay? You look kinda down today.” Chan speaks.
The audio is dated April 14th. That was almost a month ago. Jisung can’t remember what he had for breakfast barely an hour ago, let alone what he or they did on April 14th. They were mid-preparation for the tour, weren’t they?
“You know this,” Minho says with certainty.
And it sounds like it could be a secret between the Hyungs. Jisung feels slightly guilty for opening it up but in all honesty, for the life of him, he’s too curious not to listen and it he’s missed hearing Minho’s voice. He’s been avoiding Minho but it’s not like he hasn’t missed him.
“Mmm...Has anything changed?”
“He’s being more distant.”
“Do you know why?”
“I think he just finally figured it out or maybe he just needs space. Yeah... Something like that.”
“Has anything changed for you?”
“No? Yes?” Minho exhales shakily.
“Hyung…” he whines and Jisung can feel the pain in his voice. His whole chest contracts and even if he has absolutely no clue what this is about, he’s a second away from taking his phone and calling Minho just to hear his voice. Just to hear that he’s actually okay even if past Minho wasn’t.
He hears the shuffling of clothes, more huffs, sniffs and exhales. Jisung’s mouth drops into a pout when he realises Minho is crying.
“Why did I have to be stupid enough to fall in love with him? With my best friend of all people?”
Minho is in love with someone? He stops the recording and almost spills the coffee all over his laptop. Did he hear that right? Didn’t they share everything with each other?
Minho is in love with someone else.
Jisung’s heart breaks and he dumps his head down on the table.
It hurts.
It hurts so bad to know that Minho is in love with someone.
Maybe Minho actually feels disgusted towards him. Maybe Minho actually never wants to hang out with him.
It hurts to know Minho is interested in someone else and it’s not him. But Minho is upset? Why?
Oh, why did he have to find out that way? If only they had talked.
He considers if he should play it again, is there anything else to say? Can he even handle what Minho has to say? What if he confides in Chan about how much he hates Jisung?
Jisung doesn’t think he could handle it. He tries not to think about it, fully knowing he couldn’t leave it as it is, that's why he plays the recording again. And again. He starts memorising every second of the recording.
“What’s up?….” Chan asks softly.
“He’s being more distant.” Minho breaks.
“Why did I have to be stupid enough to fall in love with him?”
Minho is not stupid, he could never be, and someone is stupid enough to not fall back in love with him. How can they be so cruel as to not love him? Minho is the kindest, most caring person Jisung knows.
Minho is too special to get treated like this.
Who dares to break Minho’s heart and treat him like this? Actually, you know what, Jisung needs to know who that person is.
“Why did I have to be stupid enough to fall in love with him?”
“With my best friend of all people?”
Wait.
Minho’s best friend? But? His best friend is Jisung, is it not?
Or is that someone from his childhood friends? Can it be? He rarely gets to see them unless something changed.
“He’s being more distant.”
Oh.
Jisung’s brain short circuits. He’s going crazy. Is it him? It can’t be. He’s shaking and wiping snot from his face and hasn't even realised when he started crying. He’s angrily sipping coffee to make himself think. Then pushes to play the recording again.
Minho isn’t stupid but Jisung really feels like he is because there’s just so much he’s feeling inside, there’s so much that’s happening in his head that all he can do is cry. So he cries and tries to process it all.
Minho’s unrequited love, is Jisung?
Minho loves Jisung and whatever his eye colour means blanks away from the fact that Minho loves Jisung.
Relief flushes over him just like the tears crowding his face and he’s the happiest he’s ever felt.
Minho loves Jisung.
And Jisung loves Minho.
Seasons change, and nothing ever feels the same but Minho loves Jisung and Jisung loves Minho.
“What’s up? Are you okay? You look kinda down today.”
The audio is dated April 14th. That was almost a month ago.
✦
✧
✦
“Hyung, where are you?” Jisung asks frantically.
“Jisung?” Minho tries to not be surprised. Besides hellos and goodbyes and goodnights they haven’t had a proper conversation for over a month. Is it changing? Minho tries not to hope but his heart sputters a bit.
“I’m at the underground dance practice room.”
“Okay, stay there. Please.”
“Okay. Jisung, are you crying? Where are you?” Jisung has forgotten the state he was in right after he heard Minho’s voice.
“I’ll come soon.”
“Okay.”
The phone call ends.
✦
✧
✦
Jisung storms into a room where Minho is quietly sitting on the floor playing a slow song on his phone. He perks up right after Jisung enters the room.
“Jisungie, are you okay?”
Jisung has tears streaming down his face and his face is scrunched up in pain. Minho begins to worry, clutching his fists in the sweatshirt the one he borrowed from Jisung once and never gave it back.
“I’ve been so dumb. So dumb that I’m so angry at myself.”
“Why? What happened?” Minho asks softly. He slowly gets closer and closer to Jisung, he can’t help it.
“Your eyes.”
“My eyes?” Minho is surprised.
“Yes. They’re still the same even after all the months of avoiding you, they’re still the same.” Jisung laughs in relief. He feels so happy, he feels like he could do anything in the world.
“The same?” Minho is still confused.
“Yes, Hyung.” Jisung laughs. “They’re the same beautiful eyes I fell in love with.”
“What?” Minho’s voice cracks.
“You..fell..in love with me?”
Now Minho relaxes and looks expectantly at Jisung. He can’t believe it. They both take a while to recover, looking at each other, with shy smiles on their faces. Jisung falling in love with him? What are the odds? That’s incredible.
Jisung walks toward Minho, the room hasn’t changed a bit since the day Minho taught him the choreography. It feels like nothing changed at all.
He walks closer to Minho to take his hand. Minho lets him.
Jisung feels so embarrassed and it’s radiating all around him but to Minho, there’s nothing more beautiful than Jisung no matter the state he is in. He’s always the most beautiful person on Earth, or the universe even.
Jisung looks at Minho and smiles.
“Tell me, baby.” The pet name makes him feel more at ease but his heart is still beating like crazy.
“Hyung, it truly feels so stupid to say it out loud but” Minho looks at him like he could never do anything wrong like he’s all that matters in the world, Jisung almost gasps realising that’s how he’s been looked at all the time.
“I can’t believe I didn’t realise this sooner… I got obsessed with the thought of figuring out what your purple eyes could mean.”
Minho squeezes his arms.
“Me too…” Minho says.
“Really?”
“Yeah, what do you think? They’re my eyes after all.” He jokes.
“I mean, of course. So when I was looking up what the Internet said about the colour purple, it all pointed to disgust and I was shocked and couldn’t believe you could feel something like that. I really thought you were lying to me and that all of our relationship was all fake.”
“Oh, Jisungie. That must have been so hard for you.” Minho caresses his hands.
“It was b- but, it must have been even harder for you, Hyung. I avoided you for a whole month, I’m so sorry… My research was pointless because there really was never any chance I could figure you out. I shouldn’t have even tried. I should’ve just asked you.”
“Mmm… It’s okay. It really is okay.” Minho caressed Jisung’s shoulder.
“Hyung, you should be angry or at least scold me for acting this way…”
“Yes…While I’m quite offended you believed I could ever feel disgusted towards you, you can’t change the past can you…” Minho says.
“I’m so sorry, Hyung”. Jisung wails.
“You can be a bit silly sometimes.”
“Fair. Ugh, I feel so terrible about this though. The months when we didn’t talk and I avoided you were one of the worst I’ve ever had.” Jisung pouts.
“Well, then it can only mean one thing.”
“What?”
“We have a lot of time to make up.” Minho smiles.
“Yeah, we do.”
“So how have you been?” He asks the younger one already pulling him in closer.
“Terrible…” Jisung admits.
“What would make it less terrible?”
“A hug? Or… Can I ask for anything?”
“Of course, baby, I don’t think I could tell you no, even if I tried.”
Jisung looks down and giggles.
“You really can’t?”
“Nu-ah, so, what will it be?” He asks softly.
“Can I get a kiss?”
“If you wanna, you can.” Minho smiles and leans in.
And suddenly their lips are so close that Jisung can feel their breaths bouncing back on their lips. They both giggle into it. It feels like no time passed between them.
Minho’s hand slowly creeps up to Jisung’s neck to keep him in place. Jisung can see Minho’s eyelashes flutter before he dives in and their lips crash into a soft kiss.
Jisung feels like he’s reached heaven, the kiss feels so otherworldly and surreal to him, he can’t believe that’s how Minho’s kisses feel. He contemplates that after tasting Minho, he’s never going to stop thinking about it.
They kiss some more until Minho takes Jisung and moves him onto the couch. Jisung doesn’t even realise when or how he ends up on Minho’s lap but he’s just there.
Minho takes his hands and puts them where he wants them to be, on Jisung’s waist. Jisung feels encouraged to touch his Hyung and he does. He roams around his chest, he feels Minho’s hands move his legs apart and the position alone makes him very aroused.
Minho guides him to climb around and now Jisung is truly really straddling Minho. Jisung feels like he could never stop kissing and he’s comforted by the fact that they really don’t have to stop any time soon. They have all the time in the world it seems. Jisung is overwhelmed by want when Minho starts pressing and squeezing Jisung’s ass and Jisung can feel the pressure on both sides of his body as his growing bulge meets Minho’s belly. He gasps when they’re both pressing into each other.
“Tell me if you want to stop and I’ll stop,” Minho whispers.
“Don’t stop, Hyung, please, don’t stop,” Jisung answers him breathily. He’s barely holding on, he feels the pull to Minho’s lips but also to his shoulder where he’d just love to rest his head while Minho takes care of him.
Minho’s hands move up Jisung’s ass, to his waist and Jisung feels so safe in Minho’s embrace. Whatever happens, Minho’s got him.
Now with a little room to wiggle, Jisung moves his hips experimentally and he can feel Minho still against him right away.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Jisung whispers.
“Yeah but I feel like my balls will fall off today.”
“Hyung, why would they?” Jisung asks.
“Because you’re making me so horny, I can barely handle it.”
“Is that so?” Jisung rolls his hips once more and gasps when his waist is pulled so hard, Minho’s fingers will definitely imprint themselves on his skin. He kinda likes that idea.
“Ahh…” Minho grunts like he can’t take it anymore. “Can I suck you off, baby?”
“M-me? You want to suck me off?” Jisung is stunned.
“Yes, you, baby, only you. Will you let me?” Minho looks at him expectantly.
“S-sure, how do you want me?”
“I want you all the ways I can have you. Always.”
Jisung giggles and holds Minho even tighter.
“Me too.” He admits.
“For now, could you sit down here?” He gestures to the corner of the sofa that has been left lonely for the past fifteen minutes.
Minho goes down to his knees and beckons Jisung to come forward then helps him to get out of his sweatpants.
Jisung seems anxious so Minho smiles at him reassuringly and takes a hold of his hand.
“If at any point you don’t like it, just tell me, okay?”
“Yeah, okay.” Jisung easily agrees.
Jisung’s eyes darted around the room and then at Minho on his knees, his white sweatshirt loosely around his body but he knew how much he would love to see more.
So he fidgets with his fingers and points at the shirt.
“Could you take it off, please?” He asks hoping that it’s okay with him.
“Oh? You want my shirt off?” Jisung hums in response and whispers out a quiet, please.
“Then take it off yourself.”
Jisung gulps. Okay, he can do this.
He starts pulling the shirt from below his waistband, then slowly taking it over his head and when it’s off, Minho’s head pops out right in front of him and Jisung drags him in for a kiss.
“You’re so beautiful, Hyung.”
“And you are too,” Minho responds.
Minho pushes him down to the sofa and a shiver runs through Jisung’s body. Minho is soon on his thighs, palming his cock with his small hand and then pulling at Jisung’s boxers to free him out of his underwear. There’s no going back after this.
“Love at first sight,” Minho says looking at Jisung’s cock.
“Really?”
“Yeah, that’s what it looks to me.”
Minho’s eyes turn a burgundy red with black edges and Jisung is fascinated to see it in front of him. He can’t wait to figure out what it means. But before he can even contemplate, Minho’s mouth wraps around his cock and his mind only revolves around the feeling of Minho licking the underside, lapping at his head and sucking him off. His body goes into jelly mode. He doesn’t even realise that soft moans are coming out of his mouth.
“Hyung, I can’t take long,” Jisung admits.
“I never want you to.”
And then it's all too much, Jisung’s body is heating up, Minho is everywhere, and he feels so loved. Everywhere that Minho traces, Jisung squirms and bashes his heart-shaped smile until he beckons Minho to get closer, takes his own palm and presses it against Minho's nape and kisses him softly on the lips.
Still softly smiling at each other, they kiss and kiss and kiss again, they laugh in between, they tie their fingers, their bodies intertwine, and they can feel each other harden, their panting becoming more rushed, it's only then that they slow down, Minho preps Jisung and enters him slowly, they're both laying sideways, moving almost lazily, Minho's hands are draped over Jisung's chest from behind.
“Hyung, what if someone comes in?”
“I’d like to see them try.”
Jisung looks at him starstruck, there's no rush anymore, it's just them and they have all the time in the world. Anyone looking at them would know they're in love, it's impossible to miss.
They try to kiss even if it's not the most comfortable angle, Jisung strains when Minho's hands move to his belly. It makes it so much harder for Jisung to contain himself without bursting but Minho looks proudly at him when he feels the belly bulge he's making. And then Jisung whines and asks to fuck him harder. Please, he whispers. Minho pushes him against the sofa and goes at it, not straining anymore, not waiting any more just chasing his and Jisung’s release but he's still gentle, he still makes sure Jisung is comfortable, that there are pillows for him to lie on, that he can comfortably be fucked in this position.
They come undone and drop side by side, spent, panting and still giggly. Jisung moves his hand and brushes Minho's periwinkle hair away from his face. It's his way of saying I love you instead of something silly.
✦
✧
✦
They hold hands as they walk home. Their fingers intertwined in the pocket of Jisung’s jacket. Jisung wills himself to stop smiling and giggling when they get home, but after taking one look at Minho he quickly forgets he ever needed to act this way. He lets himself feel and the more he does, the more he lets go of the past and welcomes the feeling of being loved and letting himself love in turn too.
He gets scolded a couple of times by the boys for keeping his feelings all bottled up and for not trusting them with what he was going through and he promises himself and everyone else that he’ll do his best from now on. Minho assures him that he’s okay now.
They grow accustomed to spending more time together as they used to now with the added fun of holding hands, sometimes still unsure how to hold each other’s palms because all of this is just so new.
“Did I ever tell you that I love your eyes?” Jisung whispers one night.
He’s laying on top of Minho while the older boy plays with his hair.
“Why?”
“I can see your love through them.” Minho’s ears and neck start turning a deeper shade of red.
Jisung’s vision gets blocked by his hands.
“Then stop seeing it.”
“Not happening.” Jisung giggles. “Why don’t you come closer and kiss me instead.”