Chapter Text
It had been an entire year since Rick disappeared. A whole ass year. To Negan it just felt like it was a couple months, he was losing his damn mind in here. Hell, he would’ve lost it already, if not for Carl.
Gabriel had told him this morning when he brought him his breakfast. “Shit, Gabey, I fuckin’ appreciate that,” he’d said. “Didn’t know I was important enough to keep in the loop now.”
The priest had just sighed and walked out. Negan was seriously wondering why the man would even tell him that at all.
The answer became apparent when Carl came in for his usual visit, albeit it was still light out, tears already streaming down his cheeks as he huffed with anger, stomping around the room.
Every time Negan would try to say something to comfort him, he would just get more angry. So he opted to just shut his mouth for once and let Carl scream and cry.
“Why would they have a memorial for my dad?!” Carl screamed. “My dad’s not dead!”
“I know, darlin’, but some people-”
“Shut up!”
“Sorry.” All Negan wanted to do was help the damn kid, but he clearly did not want that.
Carl continued to rant and rave and cry, and all Negan wanted to do was tackle him into a hug, force him to calm down. Even though, that probably wouldn’t work on his stubborn ass anyways.
Finally, Carl slid to the floor, holding his knees to his chest as he sobbed. “My dad’s not dead, Negan! He’s just not!”
Negan was sitting on the floor of his cell now, trying to reach out to Carl through the bars, but the kid was sitting just out of his reach which was frustrating as all hell.
“He’s not!” Carl kept saying. Negan was stretching as far as he could go and still couldn’t reach the kid, he needed to ground him, Carl was spiraling bad.
“Carl, come here!” Negan kept demanding. Nothing. Not even an acknowledgement that he’d heard him. Until finally, finally, Carl accidentally shifted too close and Negan grabbed him by the arm, pulling him up to the bars to grasp his shoulders.
“Look at me, Carl.” And surprisingly, Carl obeyed, Negan’s touch seeming to have calmed him down enough to listen. “Baby, you gotta calm down. Just ‘cause those assholes wanna mourn someone who’s not dead doesn’t mean y’gotta join them.”
Carl blinked a couple times before collapsing against the bars, threading his arms through to hug Negan. It fucking hurt every time the kid did this, all he wanted was to hold him like a goddamn normal person.
The door opened, causing Carl and Negan to look up, Gabriel poked his head in, “Hey, Carl…” he said, treading carefully. “It’s about to start if you’d like to come.”
“Get the fuck outta here!” Negan yelled at him. He tried to hold onto Carl, but the damn kid skittered away.
When Carl turned back to look at him, Negan could tell he was gone. Anger and pain were apparent on his face, he looked a million miles away. “Carl? Baby, come here. Just stay with me. It’s gonna be okay, I promise.”
The kid was hearing absolutely none of the words Negan was saying as he turned quickly towards the door. “Carl! Stop! Carl!”
But he was gone.
-
Negan was left completely alone for the rest of that night. And then most of the day to follow. Nobody had even brought him food. Which he had to give them credit for usually, they never forgot to feed him.
Honestly, he barely ate as it was, so he didn’t give a flying fuck about the food. But something was wrong and he just knew it was about Carl. After the outburst he had, there was no way it wasn’t.
He was pacing around his cell for the billionth time that day when the door was thrown open, crashing back into the wall as an angry Michonne stormed in. “Where is he?!” she practically screamed at him. “Where did you tell him to go?!”
Negan was pissed. “What the shit are you talking about?” he asked in a low voice. “Is Carl fucking missing?!” He couldn’t stop his voice from raising, Carl was missing?! And the damn woman thought it was his fault?
“You know, you have to know, where the hell is he?!” she hissed out, walking right up to the bars.
“Tell me what the fuck is going on!” He was on the brink of screaming, Carl was missing. Carl was gone. And he’d be damned if he was gonna sit that out in here. “Michonne!” He grabbed the bars of the door and shook it, definitely looking and sounding like a deranged man, but hell, he was.
“You-…” Michonne looked at the floor, her eyes widening. “You really don’t know.” Her voice shook as if she was about to cry.
“Michonne?” Negan asked softly. “What happened?” He couldn’t stop the waver in his voice from the ebbing panic, he felt so trapped in here when all he wanted to do was run and not stop running until he found him.
“Carl’s been missing since that goddamn memorial service,” Michonne spat. “I tried to tell him that…we could just not go, but he was really upset and there wasn’t anything I could do to make him feel better. Last I saw him, he was leaving the house to go for a walk.”
Shit, he was coming to see Negan. “I think I was the last person to see him. I almost had him calmed down when he finally got close enough for me to touch him, but shit, Gabriel came in and asked him if he was gonna go and he was spiralin’ again. Wasn’t shit I could do, he wasn’t hearing a damn word I said. If I could’ve just fuckin’ held him, shit, cause when I touched him he stopped.” Negan was rambling, pacing again while running a hand through his hair.
They locked eyes for a moment, with mirroring expressions of worry and it hit Negan that they were the two people here that cared the most about Carl. And that bonded them whether they liked it or not.
Michonne seemed to think something similar, as her face turned to a scowl as she stormed out.
Negan only had to wait a few minutes before she was coming back in with Aaron and Gabriel in tow. “These two will take you out. You have to know some places Carl might be, I know you have to. I’ve had everyone looking for days and-“ She took a deep breath. “-nothing. The only reason I’m not personally taking you is RJ…he can’t be without me for too long yet.”
Negan nodded, shoving down all of his anger and worry as best he could. “I do know some places we could check, no idea if he’d go there, though. I mean, it’s been fuckin’ forever since I’ve been outta here.”
“Just…look everywhere that you can. And if you try anything, you’re dead.”
Negan had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. “I know, boss lady.”
She walked right up to the bars. “And Negan? Don’t think that because I’m coming to you for help with this means I trust you. I don’t, but I know you have some kind of… sick possessiveness over Carl. And you are my last resort.” And she left.
Damn, he couldn’t lie, her words stung a little.
Aaron unlocked the cell door, immediately grabbing Negan to tie his hands together in front of him.
“You fuckin’ kiddin’ me with this shit, Aaron?”
“You really think we can just trust you?” he scoffed, turning Negan back around.
Negan rolled his eyes at them. “Whatever, can we just get a damn move on? Longer we fuck around, longer he’s out there.”
-
They had been walking for hours. It had long since turned dark when Aaron stopped them. “We need to stop and rest for the night.”
“Stop? Are you fuckin’ jokin’? We’re not gonna stop until we find him,” Negan said with a scoff. “Now c’mon.”
“You don’t get to give orders here,” Aaron said. “We’re stopping. Just for a couple hours, until dawn.”
“Well, can we at least keep goin’ and stop at a place Carl might’ve gone to? There’s a pool hall a ways up the road.”
“A pool hall?” Gabriel asked tiredly.
“Yes, Gabey, a pool hall. Fuck’s your problem? Not Jesusy enough for you?”
Aaron and Gabriel just sighed. “Okay, we’ll stop there,” Aaron gave in.
Negan flooded with relief. There was a chance Carl would be there, a small one, but still. He’d taken Carl there a few times when they were first fucking. It was a hidden gem of sorts, had been completely untouched. At least, back then it had been.
It was actually closer than he’d thought. “Q-Master Billiards! Holy fuck, still looks just like the last time I came,” Negan said with a chuckle.
“What, they gonna remodel it?” Aaron said with a scoff as the three of them walked to the door. Gabriel banged on the doorjamb when they opened it, waiting. Nothing.
Aaron jerked his head to the side and Gabriel nodded in response, pulling Negan to walk in between them as they went inside.
“Y’know, I could actually help if one of you would just untie my goddamn hands,” Negan said.
“If you don’t stop saying that over and over again, we’re gonna gag you,” Aaron said as they cautiously walked around the bar. Still nothing.
This place looked as untouched as the last time he brought Carl here. No signs of walkers or people to be seen.
“We’ll stay in here tonight, behind the bar,” Aaron said as he threw his pack onto the floor. “At first light, we go.”
The two of them sat down, pulling out some food and water from their packs. “Come on, guys. You’re really gonna make me rest with tied hands? Fuckin’ seriously?”
“Yes,” Gabriel hissed. “Now just sit down and be quiet.”
“Well, I can do one of those things,” Negan said with a grin as he sat on the ground next to them.
The two men ignored him as they chatted away to each other, discussing what places to hit next while looking at a paper map. I mean, not that Michonne didn’t specifically send Negan to help, but whatever, fine. They could ignore him, go right ahead.
He really wanted to go to the back room he’d set up for Carl back in the day. Hell, he had an idea. It might not work, but whatever.
Even with his hands tied, he could take his dick out to pee on his own. Done it out in the woods once already. Maybe he could convince them to give him some privacy?
He stood up, immediately catching their attention. “What are you doing?” Gabriel asked.
“Goddamn, can’t a man take a fucking piss in peace? Christ,” he said, shaking his head as he walked off in the direction of the back room.
The two of them talked lowly before Aaron spoke up. “If you’re not back in three minutes, we’re coming to find you. And if you try to run, that’s it.”
Negan rolled his eyes. “Yes, Dad.”
Three minutes was plenty. He just had to walk quietly so they couldn’t tell how far he went. He stepped lightly, keeping his eyes on the floor to make sure he didn’t step on anything.
He was suddenly aware that if he came across a walker he didn’t have any weapons, not to mention that his hands were tied in front of him and he was over two years out of practice.
Stopping as he reached the door, he hesitantly turned the knob, hoping to fuck there wasn’t any walkers in there. If there were, he was good as dead. It was a struggle to turn the damn knob with his tied hands, but he did it and the door fell open slowly.
No growls. Good enough for him. He stepped inside, the room was long and narrow, filled with shelving that Negan had long since emptied the supplies from. He cautiously walked towards the back where he had the spot set up.
It was where he and Carl would go to be alone, just the two of them, for hours. Negan had set up a makeshift bed with blankets and pillows, a snack and drink stash, and some games they could play in between fuck sessions.
Nope, totally wasn’t falling in love with the kid that far back. Not at all.
He rounded a shelf and jumped back when he saw a gun being pointed at him through it. Shit. He walked further around, trying to hold his hands up, but dropping them when he saw him. “Carl?”
Carl’s hands were shaking as he dropped the gun, holstering it. “Negan.” Okay, the kid damn well hadn’t slept since he ran off, not with the way he sounded and how his eye was half closed.
He attempted to fall into Negan’s arms, trying to pull them apart to wrap around him. “Hey, Carl, untie me, baby, c’mon.” Carl seemed almost delirious and when he backed up to fumble with the ties, Negan saw it.
“No…” His voice broke before he could stop it. “Carl, no, no…” His shirt was stained red on the shoulder, and there was so much of it. “Baby boy.”
The ties fell to the floor as Carl collided with him again, this time Negan being able to hold him tightly. “M’not bit,” he mumbled out against his chest.
“You’re-you’re not? Then what the fuck’s that?” Negan stepped back to look at him again.
“Got hurt.”
“How?”
Carl shook his head, a pained look crossing his face as he grabbed at his shoulder.
“Okay, s’okay, c’mon. Let’s go home.” Negan put his hand on Carl’s lower back, motioning him forward to walk out.
Carl sniffled. “I jus’ wanted to find my dad.” The boy’s voice broke and Negan pulled him back into his arms.
“Hey, darlin’,” Negan said softly. “That’s okay. I know, baby.” He took a deep breath, trying to keep the sting of tears at bay. “But we gotta go home. You’re hurt. Then maybe we can talk about goin’ to find your dad.”
Carl shook against him as he cried, burying his face in Negan’s chest.
“But, baby, next time y’wanna run off, bust me out first. Wanna run away with you,” he said the last part softly as he ran his hands up and down Carl’s back. “Now, c’mon, gotta go home now. Need to take care of that shoulder before it gets bad.”
Carl nodded against him, letting go to start walking again, but he stumbled almost immediately. “Sorry,” he said softly, shaking his head as he wiped his face with the back of his hand.
Negan had no idea if he had lost too much muscle mass to do this, but he was gonna try anyway. “C’mon.” He bent over to pick Carl up bridal style, elated to see that Carl still felt light as a feather. Well, maybe not a feather, but still.
Carl whined, unable to rest his head against Negan’s chest because of his hat. Suddenly, the kid reached up with his good arm to take his hat off and then place it on Negan’s head.
The man couldn’t stifle his laugh as Gabriel and Aaron rounded the corner, weapons ready. “Holy shit,” Aaron said as Gabriel said, “No damn way.”
“Yes damn way!” Negan said joyously as Carl let out a little sigh, curling his hand into the man’s shirt.
-
“We’re gettin’ close, right?” Negan asked again anxiously. Carl was in and out of consciousness now, shivering even though it wasn’t cold out and he was burning hot to the touch.
“Yes, probably about a half hour longer,” Gabriel answered.
“Are you sure he wasn’t bit?” Aaron asked in a quiet voice. Negan wanted to lash out at him, but he knew that he cared about Carl, too.
“He told me he wasn’t, and I’m sure he wouldn’t lie to me, but shit….let’s check.” Negan knelt down to let Carl off of his back where he’d been riding for the last hour. The boy whimpered as Negan guided him to sit against a tree.
“Hey, baby, it’s okay,” he mumbled to him. “Gotta check on your wound. I’m gonna take your shirt off, alright?”
Carl shook his head, “No. S’gonna hurt.” He finally cracked open his eye, that looked cloudy with fever.
“I know, darlin’. M’sorry. You trust me, right?” Negan ran his hand through Carl’s hair down to cup his jaw. The boy slowly nodded his head, leaning forward off the tree to give Negan access.
Negan pushed Carl’s flannel off of his shoulder first, earning a squeak of pain from him as he grabbed at Negan’s arm. “M’sorry, baby, I’ll be quick.”
Holy fuck. Carl’s shirt was embedded into his wound. He couldn’t pull this off the normal way. It looked like Carl had been stabbed shallowly multiple times with… something, Negan had no idea. Needless to say, it was a fucking weird wound.
“I need a knife,” he said, turning to face the two men who were hovering behind him. “I have to cut the shirt off to get a good look at it. It’s gonna hurt him too much to pull it off. I’m not making him lift his arm up.”
He was fairly certain there wasn’t a bite hiding among all the cuts, but he needed to be 100% sure. How sick Carl was getting was worrying him.
“We will not be giving you a knife,” Gabriel said as Aaron bent down with his in his hand.
“Hey, Carl. I’ll be careful, I promise,” Aaron said as Negan rolled his eyes, shifting over to give the man some room. “We just need to check you.”
Carl whined, turning away from him and reaching out for Negan again. “I’m sorry, I have to do it,” Aaron said. Negan could tell he wasn’t enjoying seeing Carl like this any more than he was.
He had to remind himself every now and then that these people were his enemy, but Carl’s family. How fucked up is that.
As Aaron brought the knife close, Carl started lashing out, fighting against him with all his strength as he yelled out for Negan. The man pulled Carl into his arms again, “Baby, it’s me, it’s me, calm down. Hey. He’s just tryin’ to help.”
Carl looked up at him with his eye wide, panic written all over him as he clung to him. “No.”
Negan realized then that whatever happened to him out there must’ve been worse than he thought. “I’m sorry, Carl,” Aaron said. “Is it okay if Gabriel does it? Will that be any better?”
Carl shook his head, holding even tighter to Negan. He looked over at Aaron. “C’mon, just let me do it. Y’really think I’m gonna turn on you with him here like this?”
Aaron and Gabriel exchanged a look. “I know you can hear everything that goes on when Carl visits. You know I wouldn’t do shit that would put him in danger. Now, hand me the knife.”
Gabriel sighed. “Aaron, we don’t have another choice unless we want to hold Carl down and I don’t feel right about that.”
Aaron mumbled his agreement, sighing as he turned back to Negan, holding out the knife handle-first. Negan took it, giving Aaron a nod as he sat Carl back against the tree. “Alright, Carl. I’m gonna cut your shirt off now. It’s gonna hurt coming off that shoulder, but I’ll do what I can to make it short.”
Carl nodded as he slumped to the side with the bad shoulder in the air. Here goes nothing. Negan cut from the sleeve to the neck, moving around the wound. “Alright, baby,” he said, taking Carl’s hand on his good arm. “Gonna peel the shirt out of it now. Y’ready?”
The boy squeezed his hand in response, and Negan gently began to pull it off, trying to rip it off like a bandaid. Carl cried out and Negan hated knowing that those cries were being caused by him.
Just as he thought, no bite. All shallow stab wounds with angry red skin around them, radiating heat. Shit, they needed to get Carl back fast to whatever doctor they had there.
“Alright, c’mon, baby, I’m pickin’ you up,” Negan said as he scooped Carl back up into his arms. Carl whined as Negan shifted him to lay against his chest again. “S’okay, Carl. We’ll be back soon.”
And then they were walking again, and it felt like forever until they were finally entering the gates of Alexandria.
Michonne ran up to them in a panic, immediately going to Carl and looking him over. “What-what happened?” she asked in horror as her hand hovered over Carl’s bad shoulder.
“We don’t know,” Aaron answered. “I’m sorry, he won’t talk to us.”
“He wouldn’t let us touch him,” Gabriel added, looking on with empathy as tears ran down Michonne’s face.
Suddenly, she looked up at Negan with a fire in her eyes. “Why are you holding him?” She turned to Aaron and Gabriel. “Why are his hands free?”
“Look, as much as I enjoy this little grill session, Carl needs to get to your doctor right away,” Negan said as Carl whined and grabbed at his shoulder. “It’s infected, he’s gettin’ bad. Got a fever.”
Michonne didn’t acknowledge him and addressed the other two men again. “Take Carl from him, and put him back in his cell. Now.”
Gabriel cringed. “Michonne…Carl won’t let us. He only wants…him.” He motioned to Negan.
She turned back to Negan, now looking pissed the fuck off. “This is all your fault,” she spit out. “Take him to the infirmary and then I’m personally escorting you back to your cell.”
“How the fuck is it my fault?!” he yelled as she just turned around to lead him to wherever the infirmary was. Hell, whatever, as long as Carl was taken care of.
He could feel everyone’s eyes on him, confused and concerned expressions following them as they reached the door. Michonne led him inside, where a young Indian guy met them at the door. “Oh, shit,” he said. “Michonne, what-?”
She just shook her head. “We don’t know, but it’s bad, Siddiq.”
Siddiq immediately set to work gathering supplies, motioning towards one of the made up beds that Negan laid Carl gently down on. The boy whimpered, refusing to let go of Negan’s shirt. “Hey, Carl, baby, y’gotta let go. It’s okay now, they’re gonna help you.”
He shook his head, panic in his eye. “No, stay with me, please.”
Negan looked up at Michonne who was now on Carl’s other side. As she laid her hand on his arm, Carl jerked away from her touch, before seeming to realize who it was and laying his arm back down.
She didn’t try again. “Carl, Negan has to go now. But I’ll be right back.”
“Please, ‘Chonne,” Carl said softly. “I don’t feel good, n’ I’m scared.” Oh, his poor sweet boy. He had to be really bad off to admit that out loud.
“C’mon, Carl, gotta let me go. You can come see me when you’re better,” he said, still unable to stand up due to Carl’s hands in his shirt.
The boy turned back to him, tears welling in his eye now. Shit, kid, please. Negan really didn’t want to make things even more stressful for him, and Michonne would not fly with him staying, he knew that. Every bone in his body wanted to fight this, but there wasn’t shit he could do.
“Negan-” “Carl, no, I’m sorry,” Michonne interrupted. “Let him go.”
Carl just shook his head as Michonne reached over to actually start prying his fingers off. “No,” the boy whined, too weak to fight anymore. “Please, Negan.”
“I’m so sorry, kid,” Negan whispered as his hands came free.
“I’m sorry, Carl,” Michonne said sincerely, even Negan had to admit this must be hard for her to do. Regardless of anything else, Michonne had good intentions. He had to keep telling himself that.
“Don’t leave me, Negan,” Carl whispered out as he began to cry openly. “Please.”
“Baby, baby, I-”
Michonne shook her head, a hand resting on the gun at her hip as she motioned for Negan to follow her. “I’ll be right back, Carl, I promise,” she said, looking down at him again.
“Negan, no!” Carl cried out as he started walking away. Don’t look back, he told himself. It’ll be impossible. “Negan, please, don’t leave.”
Negan felt the sting of tears as the door shut behind them. “Hey,” Negan said, stopping Michonne in her tracks. “Please, you gotta let me stay with him.” They could still hear his cries from the outside. Holy fucking shit, this was unbearable.
She turned, hastily wiping tears from her face. “No. This feels…horrible to be doing, but it’s right. He can’t be so attached to someone like you.”
“Right,” Negan bit out. “Someone like me, huh? And who is someone like me? Someone who wants nothin’ more than to run back in there and just hold him? Someone who wishes I could’ve fuckin’ stopped him from goin’ off on his own and gettin’ himself nearly killed? Now, I get it. I damn well do. I did some fucked up shit. Over two years ago now. And I’m payin’ for it. I don’t mind bein’ locked up, hell, god knows I deserve it for more things than you even know about, but someone like me is also the someone who loves that fuckin’ kid despite all the reasons I shouldn’t. All the reasons it makes no damn sense, but somehow it’s the only thing that does.” Shut up, Negan, he told himself. Getting too emotional here.
“Shut up,” Michonne said lowly. “Just stop. Enough with the mind games, you’re going back.”
Negan scoffed, unable to stop the eye roll that came. “What do I gotta do here, Michonne? Gotta beg? Plead? What?” She whipped her katana out, pressing it to his neck just enough to sting.
“You’re going back in.”
He hated himself every single step he took back to that cell; Carl’s cries reverberating around in his head non-stop.
The guilt really set in when Michonne locked him back up. The anger came when she left the room and he was all alone again. Just him and his goddamn thoughts.
-
Negan was laying on his cot, face down in his pillow, willing himself to just go to sleep so he could escape his racing mind. The guilt, the need, and the questions. Like what the actual fuck happened to Carl out there?
It was something so bad that Carl was acting like a little wounded bunny and that was not like him at fucking all. And he wouldn’t let anyone else touch him. His mind kept going to the worst possibilities of what it could be and he wanted to just stop.
Negan hadn’t missed the bruises all around his chest and stomach, too. It was just overshadowed by the strange, gnarly thing on his shoulder. It seemed like whoever or whatever this perpetrator was, didn’t have a real weapon. Maybe a stick or something, it couldn’t have been a knife that made those shallow cuts.
He jerked up to a sitting position when the door banged open. Michonne fumbled with the keys as she unlocked his door hastily. What the fuck?
As soon as it was open, she turned around and Negan practically chased her out. “What the fuck’s goin’ on?” he demanded. No answer.
“Michonne?” She whirled around to face him and she was fuming.
“He won’t let anyone get near him. Except me, but now he’s not even letting me touch him. He’s been asking for you and only you. And he needs to be treated whether he likes it or not. I don’t want to force him down, so this was the only option.” Well that was two wins for Negan today, sort of. Winning by being the last fucking resort.
She quickly turned back around to start walking again, Negan right on her heels as they stepped into the infirmary. Carl was nowhere to be seen, only the exhausted looking Siddiq and a girl who seemed to be his assistant.
“Where’d he go?” Michonne asked tiredly.
“He locked himself in the bathroom,” Siddiq answered, sitting down on one of the beds. “Couldn’t stop him.”
“Wouldn’t expect you to,” Michonne said coolly as she turned to Negan. “You’re up.”
It was finally the calm after the storm. They had just spent upwards of two hours getting Carl to let Negan clean him up, get in the bed, and to allow Siddiq to treat him. It was like forcing a damn toddler to get a shot.
Negan was already bracing himself for how embarrassed Carl was going to be about this. It had to be partly from the fever, the way he was acting. The fever on top of whatever the fuck happened to him.
He looked over as Michonne entered the room quietly. “He finally asleep?” she whispered.
Negan nodded, looking back down at Carl. “Yeah, been a few minutes now. Don’t think he’s slept at all since he ran off.”
She walked over to stand behind him, grabbing his hand that had been resting on Carl’s arm and handcuffing him to the bed frame. “The fuck?” he whispered.
“You’re staying here.” Negan wanted to quip something about the possibility that he might need to use the bathroom, but decided to keep his mouth shut. She was allowing him to stay with Carl. Another win for Negan, he supposed.
“If anything happens, get Siddiq,” she said on her way out of the room.
He turned back to Carl, brushing his hair out of his face, letting his touch linger on the boy’s face. “So sorry, darlin’. I wish I could just know what happened to you. And damn do I hope it’s not what I’m thinkin’.”
He grazed his hand over the bandage on Carl’s shoulder and down his arm to rest on his wrist. “Y’know I’m gonna kiss Michonne’s ass enough that one day she’ll let me outta there. And I can be with you, protect you. S’all I wanna do, Carl. Love you and protect you.”
Negan leaned down to kiss Carl on the head. “Fuck you for makin’ me all sappy.” He moved to kiss Carl’s chest before laying his head down on it to hear his heartbeat. “Fuck you for makin’ me want to be better.”
It was silent for a while, Negan closing his eyes to just feel Carl breathe. “I think you had me by the balls from that very first night and I didn’t even fuckin’ know it yet. I still wonder why I didn’t make your daddy cut your arm off. I was going to, I really was.”
He felt stupid now, talking to nothing like this. But these were things he wouldn’t ever tell Carl if he was awake. Sappy stuff about ‘love at first sight’ and all that bullshit.
“Us ending up fuckin’ wasn’t some off chance,” Negan whispered out into the air.
Carl groaned suddenly, and Negan sat up, his hand going to stroke Carl’s hair. “Baby, s’okay. You’re safe. I gotcha.”
He settled back down, turning his head into Negan’s touch with a little sigh. He mumbled something that sounded like ‘love you’, but Negan wasn’t sure.
“What’d you say?” Negan asked a little more hopefully than he’d meant to.
Carl turned his face towards him, his face scrunching up in frustration as he cracked an eye open. “I love you,” he said softly. “You deaf old man.”
Negan laughed, leaning over to pull Carl into an awkward hug, kissing his cheek. “I love you more, baby boy.”