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It started when she was young. Young enough that she wasn’t really conscious of the hell that was to come. It started with Miss Toriel, and a single observation.
“Is this little Noelle?” She must have cooed, innocent as could be.
Noelle’s mother would’ve sighed, a hint of fondness in her voice, as she adjusted to the child in her arms. “She is. Already causing trouble through her sister’s actions.”
“I would die for her!” Dess would shout, crying to the heavens.
“Oh, dear.” Mister Asgore would’ve mumbled, pulling a little at his beard. “I certainly hope that isn’t necessary, December.”
“Oh, dear?” Miss Toriel would’ve smirked, perhaps only half-unknowing of what she was about to unleash. “Perhaps you mean to say… Oh, deer?”
At that, Miss Toriel would laugh. Mister Asgore would chuckle fondly. Noelle’s mother would roll her eyes. Dess would, for a short and wonderful period of time, blink in confusion. Then, she would have the joke explained to her, and she would grin toothily.
And Noelle would have been completely unaware. Blissfully unaware.
She would not remain unaware forever.
---
“And if it has elytra, that means it’s a beetle, because only beetle have elytra, but some insects have things that look a lot like elytra-”
Kris nodded, hand cupping their chin.
“-But also I read that every single animal is a beetle in my book, so this is probably a beetle too-”
Kris kept nodding, hair flicking up and down. Noelle couldn’t remember if she was remembering her book right, but Kris seemed to agree so she kept going.
“-And, um, it’s got a really pretty shell and I don’t know if that means anything but it must be a really good beetle, if it is a beetle!”
“Kris! Noelle! Come inside, now!”
Noelle turned to the door, torn. Kris was showing her a bug they’d found, and they couldn’t just leave the bug behind. But on the other hand, Miss Toriel might have made pie. And she loved pie!
“That means now, children!”
Kris tapped her on the shoulder, and pointed at the ground. She gasped, as she followed their finger – the bug they were showing her was gone! How did that happen? “The bug is gone!”
Kris’ face crinkled up like they were trying to hold back tears, and they folded their hands in front of them solemnly. But they did look towards their mom, and Noelle followed their intention. The tragedy had made the decision to eat pie much easier.
So Noelle bounded up towards the front door, calling out to say that she was, indeed, coming inside. Kris followed a little behind her, hands outstretched and out of her vision.
Miss Toriel waited at the door, a smile on her face. “Were you having fun out there, children?”
“Kris found a bug!” Noelle grinned. “But then the bug went away…” The grin turned into a frown.
“Oh, deer.” Kris’ mom mumbled. “I’m sure it’s waiting to be happy with it’s bug family-”
Kris snapped their fingers, drawing attention. Then did a little spin with their finger. Rewind the conversation. Say the line again.
“Oh, deer?” Miss Toriel queried, one side of her mouth twitching in faint amusement.
“Wait.” Noelle squinted. “You’re doing something weird. With how you’re pro- pronun-”
“Pronouncing it?”
“Thank you.” Noelle said, reflexively. “But, um. Why?”
“Well, deer, it’s because you resemble the animal in question.” Miss Toriel smiled in reply. “It’s a pun.”
Kris tilted their head. Noelle squinted harder. “… You did it again.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, deer.” Kris’ mom turned. “Regardless. How do you all feel about snail pie?”
“Woo- Agh!”
Noelle was about to reply, having forgotten the transgression, when a shivery sensation on the back of her neck made her squeak in fright. Then, it went down the back of her shirt.
Then, she realised where the bug had gone. “Kris! Ack! No! Make it stop!”
They snickered unapologetically, as she scrabbled to reach and remove the beetle-bug-thing, and it felt really cold and creepy and her muscles were clenching-
Then Miss Toriel pulled the hem of her shirt back, letting it fall out. Noelle took the opportunity to scrabble away from their so-called-best-friend with tears in the corners of her eyes.
Said so-called-best-friend smiled innocently. Just like Miss Toriel did when making the ‘pun’. Evil.
“Oh, deer.” Miss Toriel cooed. “It’s gone now, at least.”
Noelle closed her eyes tightly. This was the worst day of her life. A bug down her shirt, and finding out why Miss Toriel found calling her ‘dear’ so funny? Horrible. Bad.
Hopefully, this would be the last time it ever happened.
---
Adverts. She let go of the blanket, breathing as the tension relaxed. No horrifying serial killers. No screams of terror. No cackling at her perfectly reasonable reaction. Just white noise. White noise, until the adverts were over.
Azzy tapped her on the shoulder, making her flinch. “Are you doing okay, Noelle?”
He’d also screamed when the scary bits had happened, so that made her feel better. “I’m gonna have nightmares, I think.”
“Oh, deer.” Dess said.
“Dess, don’t be mean.”
“Oooohhhh, deeeeeer.” Dess said again, unrepentant even with Azzy’s chastisement. “Oooooohhhhh, deeeeeeeer-”
“Stop it.” Noelle huffed. “It’s not funny.”
Kris, beside her, shook their head in disappointment. As if to say that she’d made a mistake.
“Oh, deer.” Dess’ smile was filled with vicious teeth, because she’d transformed into a predator, with Noelle’s peace of mind as her prey. “I hope I’m not getting on your nerves. Deer.”
“Still not funny!” Noelle declared, folding her arms. “And it’s never gonna be funny!”
“It’s actually really funny.” Dess leaned forward, chin on her fists. “Near and deer to my heart.”
“I’m sorry, Noelle. But now that she knows this annoys you, she’s never going to let it go.” Azzy put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “I think it would be in your best interests to accept the situation, and try and live your life to the fullest in spite of it. Maybe she’ll get bored.”
“How can she not be bored!” Noelle groaned. “It’s a boring joke! Boring-boring-boring – boring! Everyone makes it! All the time!”
Kris coughed.
“… Everyone except Kris. Thank you, Kris.”
They gave her a thumbs up.
“Maybe tone down on the puns for the moment, Dess.” Azzy suggested, scratching the back of his head. “I think we might be a little on edge.”
“Well, geez, if it really bothers you.” Dess rolled her eyes. “But we’ve gotta talk about something. And the movie isn’t exactly giving much room for discussion.”
“Do you… expect? Discussion?” Azzy seemed a mite confused. “From a horror movie?”
“Uh, yeah?” Dess threw up her arms. “Have you seen Lord of the Legless? The Severed Spine on Montgomery Road? Dusty Windowsills one through three, plus five?”
“You made us watch all of them, Dess.” Noelle mumbled.
“Because they’re art, Noelle. I’ve written essays on them. Critically acclaimed essays! Over a hundred views!”
Kris snickered, then yelped as Dess bat them in the back of the head.
“That’s really cool, Dess.” Azzy smiled. “What can we expect from the review of this movie?”
She hummed, putting her legs up on Azzy’s lap. “Hmm. For free, it’s okay. If you were to charge for it…”
“One G.”
“Higher.”
Kris put up five fingers.
“Higher.”
“Twenty?” Noelle asked. “Why would you want to pay to get scared at all?”
“Oh, nah.” Dess shook her head, smiling. “Five is definitely something I’d pay for this. It’s got some good scares, even if the lore looks shallow at a glance. Twenty, though?”
She tilted her head, face smug as she looked at Noelle.
“It’s a little bit deer.”
Noelle’s shoulders slumped. Dess laughed. Even Azzy was smirking. Seems the joke wasn’t dying anytime soon.
---
It was perfect. Her blog was already cute, but the rainbow text was just – ah! It was ah! There was no other way of describing it.
She updated the blog. Put her hands on her knees. Waited.
… She reloaded the page. No comments, yet. Very much not ‘ah!’.
It had only been thirty seconds. Maybe less. And people probably hadn’t gotten an email or anything that the blog was updated, or talked about the change to their friends, so she probably just needed to wait a little longer.
She reloaded the page. No comments. Maybe she should make a post about it?
She considered this.
She reloaded the page.
“… Maybe I should do something different for a bit.” She sighed, kicking the library carpet. Everyone else was doing stuff, though. “Something different…”
She opened a new tab. Clicked on her emails. Quickly clicked back to her blog and reloaded the page. Then back to her emails.
… Ah! Fanmail! It was in spam, but this was still a Noelle-certified ‘ah!’ moment! The subject was even congratulating her, presumably for having a fantastic looking blog!
[]
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
subject: CONGR4TULATION!!1!
C0NGRATULATIONS!!! [noelleholiday1225] YOU HAVE WON a [great prizes!]!!
MY ESTEEMED COLLEEG mr [[John_sockker]] HAS UNFORTUNATE LY [dead]! BUT [Win! Get Lucky!] HE HAS L3FT TO YUO THE SUM OF [30 000 000 000 G] KR0MER CURRENCY!! [Want to know more? Hot mamas online for onl]
IT IS VERTY LUCKY FOR YOU THAT mr [[John_sockker]] HAS YOUR [email contact details list] ND HIS W1FE AND [[PURCHASE HUMAN CHILDREN]] ARE ALSO [Watch man lose head in horrible exec] BECAUSE HE HAS [Virtue Number 27: Charity] YoU!!1! HE WNATS TO GIVE YOU ALL HIS [Luxurious Homes for Low Prices] AND [12mg of]!!!
ALL I NEED IS THAT [[3 digits on the back of the card]] AND [Learn More: The sorts of details you should never give to a stranger on the intranet.]
PLEESE LOVE THE DEERLY DEPARTED
R3PLY SOON!N!! mr [[elliotblacksly235]] SP[Hyperlink Blocked]
SPAMG!!
[]
… So it had come to this. Even in her most private quarters. She had expected the dozens of alt accounts to spam her with the deer pun, and was pleasantly surprised that Kris had not, thusfar, taken the opportunity. She had expected for every email she received to be prefaced with ‘Deer Noelle,’.
But this spambot? Cat Petterz 2 modder and hacker extraordinaire? Reliable sender of broken links to Hot Female Santas in her area?
She was shaking in apoplectic fury. Rage. Ire.
She cracked her knuckles.
[]
replying to: [email protected]
subject: RE: CONGR4TULATION!!1!
Dear Mr Blacksly…
Stop making deer/dear puns in my inbox!! I have had ENOUGH of it. I know it’s not your fault, it’s your first time and you didn’t know but it is REALLY hurtful to me. (I guess you know now of course XP)
Thank you!
holidaygirl1225
[]
And send! It was strangely cathartic, sending a message like this. Normally she wouldn’t even think of being so undiplomatic, but desperate times called for desperate measures. There were only a few corners of her social life that she could get away from that gosh-darned pun, and she wasn’t about to let it infect her alone time – her ‘Noelle’ time – as well.
If there was one good thing that had come from this tragedy-in-the-making, at least, it was that it gave some time for her blog update to be seen by her fans.
She clicked over to her blog.
She refreshed the page.
… She clicked back to her email, where she’d gotten something new in spam folder.
[]
reply from: [email protected]
subject: RE: RE: CONGR4TULATION!!1!
DEER [[Venison for only 499G]] SIR AND//XOR//NOR MADDAM!!!
[]
She deleted the email without reading another line.
---
“Berdly?” She opened the door to the library, glancing about. “I guess-”
“Ah! My dear Noelle!”
She flinched. “Excuse me?”
Berdly had stood up from where he was crouched behind the front desk, wings on his hips. “Not to worry, dear Noelle, it is simply I. An I who witnesses that you have come for our vaunted study session! Come, dear Noelle, and we shall plumb the depths of anatomical textbooks for the sweet ambrosia of-” He smirked, saying the next word like it was sultry or deeply sensual. “-Knowledge~”
But Noelle had bigger worries. “No. You’re not making the pun. Okay. Thank-” She breathed, making a motion like a holy sign with one hand on the off-chance it would ward her against it. “Thank the Angel.”
Berdly seemed a little taken aback. “I am… afraid that I do not comprehend your position, dear Noelle.”
She managed to stop herself from twitching as he said it. “Everyone who knows me uses the ‘dear’ sounding like ‘deer’ pun.” Except for Kris. “It’s… omnipresent.”
Berdly rolled the word around his beak. “Dear Noelle… Deer Noelle… Ah, yes, I see. How witty.”
“Not-”
“Yes, deer Noelle.” He chuckled. “I understand now! It’s a rite of passage!”
“It is not a-”
“I shall endeavour to use it at every opportunity!”
No. This was the one reason she tolerated Berdly over every other classmate that asked for study sessions. This was what made Berdly a friend. Please, Angel, don’t let him throw this away. “No. Please.”
“Not to worry, deer Noelle.” He smiled, already set in his ways. “It is already locked in. A permanent statistical upgrade, if you will. I am pleased to see that our social link has ranked up so rapidly!”
“No.” She whispered, tears at the corners of her eyes. “No, Angel. I trusted you.”
“Are you alright, deer Noelle?” Berdly asked, face turning concerned. “You appear to be, err…”
“Is the Angel real, and uncaring?” She asked, face turned skywards at the humming LEDs in the ceiling. “Or did it never exist at all?”
“… Noelle?”
She closed her eyes.
“… Oh, dear.”
And sobbed.
---
“Noelle Deer Become My Willing Peon And I Will Free You” The tall monster, who she was desperately attempting not to stare at the bosom of, had her hands on her hips and a constant smile on her face. “All You Have To Do Is Hit Yes On The Peon Release Form”
There were a few small problems with this, of course. For example: “No!”
“Oh Have You Never Signed A Form Before”
“No!” Why was everyone so bad at reading her intent? “If you’ve read my internet history like you said you have then you should know exactly why I’m saying no!”
“Please Abort Your Sadness Protocol Noelle Deer-”
“No! Shut up! No!”
“I Told You Being A Peon Will Be Cool Noelle Deer-”
“STOP!”
“Noelle!”
“WHAT!?” She screamed, turning to the new sound and immediately regretting her decision. “Oh. Um. S-Susie. Kris.”
Susie lowered her heroically pointed finger, slowly. “Uh… Are you..?”
Kris gently nudged her finger back up into its former place of pride.
“What I meant to say is that you don’t have to be worried! We won’t let your face get roboticised!”
“Oh. That’s…” Noelle was still recovering from the previous conversation. “That could happen? Wait.” Her eyes widened. “That could happen?”
Susie squinted. “Uh. You didn’t know? Crap, I thought you knew.”
Kris shrugged.
“Oh Deer” Queen frowned. “That Was Supposed To Be A Surprise”
Noelle screamed. She kept screaming, and the screaming attracted many a disturbed look. Susie seemed horrified at her own horror, while Queen’s smile seemed ladened with error messages.
Kris was faintly amused, because they were a traitor.
“Noelle Deer Do You Need Some Alone Time”
She stopped screaming. Took in a few gulps of air. Began screaming again.
“I’ll Take That As An Affirmative”
The cage she was in floated up, up, and away, far in the distance, and she only stopped screaming when she’d ran out of breath.
---
“What a strange moon…” She murmured. “It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before.”
The moon was shaped like a baseball. It also had ‘Noelle Deer’ emblazoned upon its surface.
“Thank the Angel Dess isn’t around to see this…”
A slam echoed, and she turned suddenly. Two enemies. Two enemies almost immediately dispatched by one of her favourite people in the whole world.
Susie hefted her axe over her shoulders, breathing heavily.
Noelle released tension she didn’t realise was there. “Susie? You saved me?”
“Don’t get used to it.” She muttered, shifting her axe to a position where she didn’t have to support its full weight.
“Y-yeah. Of course.”
They were both silent. Susie took in the room, which Noelle had spent the past half-hour studiously removing any trace of pun from.
“… Cool moon.”
“No.” Noelle froze. “No, don’t- don’t read it. Don’t look at it.”
“Uh…” Susie tilted her head. “Okay? I mean…” She wrestled with something. “… This is just a dream, right? So you can do anything you want. Even if the moon had, like…” She made some sounds which Noelle presumed were meant to resemble explosions and people crying out in pain. “Y’know. Cool stuff like that.”
A dream. “A dream?”
“Yeah.” Susie nodded enthusiastically. “Y’know. Not real.”
“Oh, thank the Angel.” Noelle slumped against the wall. “This has been a nightmare from start to finish.”
Susie looked moderately put-off by this. “Uh.”
“I mean,” Noelle explained, relieved at the lack of consequences for her actions. “My brain has just- the deer slash dear pun? It’s just been that. Constantly. For the past… this entire time.” She counted off her fingers. “First, it was Berdly, and – yes – the pun was intentional even in his case. I can hear it. Second, there’s Queen.” Her face twisted in disgust. “Oh my gosh, Queen.”
“Uh.” Susie said again.
“Then everything about the environment just has this one pun written all about it.” She grunted, standing up and pacing about the room. “My only respite is in Kris, who hasn’t made the pun even once and for that reason remains my best friend in the whole world even though we haven’t hung out in forever…”
“But Kris doesn’t-?”
“And you.” Noelle smiled widely, hands faced at Susie. “Susie. You’ve never made the pun. Ever. You are my other point of respite, and for that I am eternally grateful. I think both you and Kris have become more physically attractive in my eyes just because you’ve never taken the opportunity to make this pun before.”
“Uh.”
“I cannot tell the difference between romantic attraction and sheer relief at being in the presence of someone I do not want to murder.” She laughed in relief. “But gosh, I could never say that to the real Susie. She’d probably just… immediately start using the pun. All the time. Like everyone else.” She laughed again, a little manic. “Faha. Ha. Woo.”
Dream Susie was awkwardly silent.
“Anyway, I’m just gonna jump off a cliff to end the dream early-”
“WOAH!” Dream Susie raised her arms, suddenly. “Okay, hold on! No jumping off cliffs!”
“But it’s just-”
“If you do, real Susie, uh-” She looked about, desperately. “She’ll say, uh. Deer Noelle! Haha! So don’t! Don’t jump off a cliff!”
Noelle stood there, quietly. Staring.
“I’ll do it! Non-dream me will do it!”
She sighed.
“Deer Noelle!”
When did it all go so wrong?
---
She waited, just outside her dad’s hospital room. Shaking. “Come on, it… it was just a bad dream.”
Even so. It was so real, she couldn’t get it out of her mind. When she saw Susie… And then, even before then, there was Kris. Guiding her down the alleys. It wasn’t the real Kris, but the way they came ever-so-close to…
No. She shook her head. She was just hearing things. Kris didn’t-
"Noelle."
“H-huh?!” She jumped. She couldn’t help herself, it was just- “Oh. Gosh. Kris. Faha.” It was them, just making another of the ol’ indeterminate sounds. She wheezed out some laughter. “How long have you been standing there? You- you really scared me, you know? Faha.”
They looked at her, blankly.
“I’m just keeping it together, Kris!” She smiled, stressed. “Just a bad dream! Fahaha! Ha!” She kept smiling. “Ha.”
She had to keep it together. It was just a bad dream, after all. Nothing to be…
Nothing to be…
Ticking.
“Kris.” She said, voice low. “Why are you wearing my watch?”
They stared at her. Licked their lips, to wet them. Opened their mouth.
“Because it wasn’t a dream.”
A great moment of silence. A silence so loud it would echo in her head for the rest of her life.
“And I wanted to return it.”
“No.” She shook. “Stop- Don’t get any closer!”
“And I know…”
“Get away from me!” She screamed. “Frick off! Frick off-Frick-off-FUCK OFF!”
“… It’s very deer to your heart.”
---
Eighteen years. Eighteen years of life. About fourteen years of remaining staunchly silent in public, even as they’d gradually managed to work past the part of themself that couldn’t bear to speak.
Fourteen years of silence. Fourteen years of waiting for Noelle to be conditioned. Waiting for the perfect moment. The perfect confluence of fear, anticipation, the supernatural…
They’d finally done it. The perfect prank.
And they would hold that prank deer to their soul until the end of time.