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UNKNOWN GIRL'S VOICE: Is this being recorded?
WOMAN'S VOICE: Yes. Are you okay with that, Collei?
COLLEI: [inaudible murmuring]
WOMAN'S VOICE: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that at all.
COLLEI: Nothing. The Doctor used to do the same thing. With the recordings.
WOMAN'S VOICE: We can turn it off-
COLLEI: No. It doesn’t bother me now. This is important.
WOMAN'S VOICE: Okay, but if you ever want to stop, let me know. Just for the record, we’re both going to state our names, alright?
COLLEI: Yeah. Um- so, do I just say my name?
WOMAN'S VOICE: That’s right, and maybe a little bit about why you’re here today.
COLLEI: So, I’m Collei. I’m here to talk about…well, uh, me I guess. My experiences with the D-Doctor. I know I’m not the only one who’s gone through what I did, so maybe it will help those people too?
WOMAN'S VOICE: That’s perfect. Okay. I am Ms. N, or for these purposes, simply N. I’ll be overseeing this session today. Ultimately, you’re free to speak about whatever you like, but if needed, I’ll prompt you when necessary. Make sense?
COLLEI: Yup!
N: Excellent. So, where would you like to start?
COLLEI: You want me to talk about the Doctor.
N: We don’t have to start with that.
COLLEI: No, I do.
COLLEI: I can’t be scared of him for my entire life. I need people to know what he is. I- I need people to see him for the monster he is. I’m done using metaphors to talk about it. I don’t want to pretend anymore, that it’s some “dark thing that happened to Collei” and leave it at that. I want to tell you exactly what he did.
COLLEI: I don’t think I’ll be able to get it all, but I’ll try my best.
N: Of course. We’re listening.
COLLEI: : Okay. Okay. Come on, Collei.
COLLEI: [Deep breath]. I’ve been sick my entire life. I came into this world sick. My parents thought I’d been cursed- their best shot at curing me was to consult a seer. Maybe he was a seer, but either way, he took me to the Doctor, and I never saw my parents again. I don’t blame them now, but I just wanted to get that out of the way in case someone thinks I joined the Fatui willingly.
N: I don’t think anyone thinks that.
COLLEI: Still. I did some awful things with them. While I’m still accountable, I just want you to know I never wanted to kill anyone.
N: …Collei
COLLEI: [Softly]. I know it’s not my fault. I’ll always regret it, though.
COLLEI: Okay, so, the Doctor. I can’t say much on what he was like outside the laboratory, but I think I can speak well on what he was like while he “worked.” I’m not even sure if I want to call it that, because it’s so pathetic, but that’s what he thought he did. And I guess he produced results, so it amounted to something. Either way, I’ll never forgive him. Ever.
COLLEI: The Doctor was always kind at first. That’s how he drew you in. Sometimes, if you did what he as asked, like stay still during the checkups or do extra training after hours, he’d compliment you. I fell for it like the others, for the whole act.
COLLEI: He hit us sometimes. If we didn’t cooperate.
N: Ah.
COLLEI: Yeah. If you were lucky it was just a slap, but if it was a bad day, or you really messed up, it would be one of the tools. The wrench was the worst, because the marks it left didn’t fade as quickly as all the others. And then if you really, really, messed up, it was the pliers.
COLLEI: I was lucky, I kept all my teeth. Some of the others weren’t. I remember this one boy- Erfan, used to talk back sometimes. He never learned, until pliers.
N: Were the others abusive towards you as well?
COLLEI: Oh, you mean the assistants? Some of them, like Dogface and Fattylegs. Others like Ms. Nadia and Bastard weren’t. Not physically, at least.
N: Those are some interesting names.
COLLEI: Right- context, sorry. We had a name for all of the consistent helpers, that didn’t get replaced. Most of them ended up being replaced anyways, except for Bastard.
N: Why was he Bastard?
COLLEI: [A chuckle]. I remember he said all these mean and cruel things to us, called us worthless insects. He would always say that when the Doctor was around: Don’t bother with these worthless insects. And he would always glare at us if we looked too long.
COLLEI: He wasn’t around much, but he was consistent the entire time- like he always came back. Some of the other assistants we saw once or twice and then never again, especially if they said something that made the Doctor mad.
N: Did he have a temper?
COLLEI: No. It wasn’t a temper, it was just a look in his eye. The Doctor never shouted or anything, it was just this look and then you would know. Then it was a matter of not being the one in front of him.
COLLEI: Some of the kids were so scared of being punished, they’d wet themselves. The cells would smell for days after, even if the assistants cleaned up. They would take us to the drain in the corner and throw buckets of water to clean us. It really sucked in the winter, because then you’d just be naked and cold and you’d have bumps everywhere.
COLLEI: Like, you’d be given clothing, but the bumps would still be showing.
[Collei gestures to her chest area]
COLLEI: They’d stare at us a lot, especially the girls. They never did anything though, maybe because the Doctor told them not too. He used to tease us about it.
COLLEI: …I’ve never said that aloud before.
N: Do you want me to go get Tighnari?
COLLEI: No, I’m okay. I can handle this.
[…]
When the Doctor takes her arm, Collei flinches violently enough to jolt her shoulder into a strange position. He merely sighs and grabs it, clicking it back into place as she hisses. There’s no use escaping the fire-liquid, so she braces her chin against his shoulder and stares at the far wall, teeth clenched. Bastard is here today too, standing arms folded, like a silent shadow behind the Doctor. When his eyes meet hers, Collei feels a rush of contempt, and in a stupid, foolish move, she sticks out her tongue at him.
She was in for it now. Bastard just had to tell the Doctor she was being disrespectful, then maybe she would get pliers for the first time. Maybe if she groveled, she could get off with a slap. Cold, nauseating fear sinks into her as Bastard’s eyes widen ever so slightly.
The corners of his mouth twitch, but he doesn’t say anything.
Collei is left staring blankly as the Doctor finishes up, patting her shoulder, and she slips off the bench to be guided back to her cell. She still thinks about it later, staring up at the ceiling, and the blankness quickly turns to fury. Say something, you bastard! If he wasn’t going to get her punished, then why do nothing at all? He was taunting her. Maybe it was another technique the Doctor had asked him to do, to make them fall in line: stringing them along with hope just to crush them later. If he ever does it again, she might spit in his stupid, smarmy face.
“All done! Great work, Collei!”
Collei looks back to the Doctor, smiling down at her. The gloved hand on her shoulder trails down her arm, almost delicate, to rub the back of her hand, and her own, widening eyes mirror that of the Bastard’s.
[…]
COLLEI: : Are you good with needles, Ms. N?
N: No better or less than anyone, I think.
COLLEI: I’m not. I was always worried the tip would break off and get stuck up in me.
COLLEI: Sorry, that’s a little grotesque, isn’t it.
N: No need to apologize.
COLLEI: I’ll talk about the experiments then.
COLLEI: There were fifteen of us at the start. I was the only one left by the time they were over. They kept us in cages when they weren’t experimenting on us, about the size of- well, the best way I can describe it was it was like being inside a tree hollow. You couldn’t really move around that much, so you’re legs got cramped really easily. You had to find the best position to sleep, like this-
[Collei maneuvers her arms into a strange, claw-like position. Ms. N smiles, and nods.]
COLLEI: That’s why as much as it sucked, it was nice being out on the bench. Even if you were tied down, at least you could stretch out your legs.
COLLEI: There were a lot of injections. A liquid, that made it feel like there was a snake slithering around under your skin. It burned, I remember it felt like my flesh was melting off, but it made the scales go away.
COLLEI: Eventually we started to be taken to these larger rooms and be made to fight things. People, machines, sometimes people meshed with machines- we had to use the fire the injections gave us to destroy them, otherwise they would destroy us. I’d never fought before, so I got a really nasty cut on my ribs the first time. I was bleeding out so quickly, I thought I would die.
COLLEI: Some of the other kids did. Or lost limbs. I remember one girl lost the entire part of her leg, right below the knee. She had to get it replaced- I think he used Erfan’s for that.
N: Erfan? The boy you mentioned earlier?
COLLEI: Yeah. He died pretty early on, so if you lost something, they took the replacements from him. We used to joke that we’d all have a little bit Erfan inside of us by the end. If there wasn’t any organic material, as he called it, you got metal. Like a…cyborg, I think it’s called?
N: Did you…
COLLEI: I lost a pinkie once. It’s healed completely, you can’t even tell. It’s still mine too, I got to it soon enough.
COLLEI: I remember he used to get all annoyed, when we got injured and stuff. He’d mutter that we were low quality test material when he’d patch us up. If we didn’t get injured though, he’d come back and give us something sweet. Usually candy.
[Pause]
COLLEI: You know how I mentioned cyborgs?
N: I remember.
COLLEI: Well, I just remembered something. The people-machine hybrids. Some of them really resembled the assistants. I guess the Doctor didn’t have much creativity, so he just modeled them after what he saw around him.
N:…I see.
COLLEI: The trials were designed to weed us out, and they did. “The weak die, and the strong survive,” that was their motto.
COLLEI: I just didn’t like looking at their bodies. They were always too stiff at first, like wax dolls. Then they just sagged everywhere.
[…]
Collei hears conversation outside the cage. The Doctor- and she recognizes the other voice to be that of Bastard.
The Doctor clicks his tongue. “5 and 22 will have to go. They can’t withstand anymore treatment.”
“Good to know, they’ll be home in time for the holidays,” Bastard mutters.
The Doctor laughs. “A sense of humor as always, I see. I’ll salvage what I can and have someone come by to collect the scraps before tomorrow.”
“…why not send them to the psycho bitch?”
“The Knave? I’m not that cruel. Living would not be a mercy.”
“So you’re just killing them,” Bastard says flatly.
“…my, my, when did you start caring for ‘worthless insects’, hmm? Are you finally growing soft, Balladeer?”
“Or…” there’s a low, mocking tone, “Do you want children that badly?”
“No. I’m speaking from an entirely utilitarian viewpoint. Your ‘test results’ are faulty and unreliable, much less if you leave it to one of your incompetent assistants. You may regret it if they prove useful in the future.”
The Doctor lets out a low chuckle. “Well said. You’ve almost convinced me. Have you been taking lessons from the Jester? Or is this some of that innate ‘divine wisdom’ that you’ve shared with me?”
The Doctor sighs, and there’s a brief pause of silence.
“I’ll let Arlecchino have them. Happy, pet?”
“Watch your tongue.”
They converse a little further, but eventually, The Doctor leaves. Bastard sticks around a little longer. He comes by the front of her cage and kneels in front of it. Collei, curled around her knees, sits still and glares. Bastard doesn’t make any expression at all. His eyes are blank: twin, dark pools filled with nothing. Nothing- Collei sticks out her chin, and spits, and it lands on the floor right in front of him. He barely gives it a passing glance, unnaturally still.
[…]
N: Do you want to talk about something else for a little bit?”
COLLEI: Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.
COLLEI: I like talking about Amber. Amber’s safe.
N: What do you like about Amber?
COLLEI: Everything. I love how she loves gliding. I love the colour of her hair. I love that she dresses like an apple.
N: It sounds like you love her a lot.
COLLEI: She saved me. She, and Cyno and Master. I like talking about them too.
COLLEI: I guess I’m lucky, that way. Not everyone gets people that. That’s why I can sit here and talk about this stuff.
N: They care about you deeply, Collei.
COLLEI: You don’t really realize it until later, how much it means to have people you can trust like that. I mean, before then, I didn’t really trust anyone: not my parents, not the assistants, not the other kids. You can’t trust, if you wanted to survive. I miss them all a bit, even though I just saw them today. It’s funny that way. Maybe it’s because of the memories, like I’m going back to the time when it was just me.
COLLEI: Me and the Doctor, I guess. You know, I think I only really got to know who he was when it was just me left.
COLLEI: He kissed me once. On the cheek.
N: [A held breath] …Did he?
COLLEI: I’m not sure if it was a sexual thing, maybe more like a compulsion. Like he was curious to see how I’d react. It was after I’d had a nightmare- around the first time I killed.
COLLEI: [A cough]. I’m getting ahead of myself. Uh- let’s back up a bit.
COLLEI: When it was just a few of us left, the Doctor’s demeanor started to change. He was more open, hitting us less. Sometimes, he’d even let us roam around the compound freely. By then, most of us had lost any hope of escaping- or we accepted that we were Fatui now. There’s no way we could have gone home.
COLLEI: That was when I started going on missions. He would send me out, usually to kill people, or collect information and stuff. Maybe serve as a distraction. At that time, my skin was all messed up from the experiments, so I was wearing bandages nearly full time. It made them throw stones at me. Sometimes I killed them for it. I want to say it was difficult, but I’m going to be honest.
COLLEI: I hated so much, back then. I was angry, so, so angry, at everyone and everything. I hated people, I hated the gods, I hated myself…You know, people always talk about monsters and ghosts, but I never found those scary. It was just people. People terrify me.
COLLEI: I just saw the world as a worthless place. It wasn’t until I found Amber that I thought- hey, maybe it’s not too late for me to love something again. Maybe I can trust something for once.
N: I’m happy Amber was there for you.
COLLEI: [Soft laughter]. Yeah. She’s great. She’s taking me out for ice cream after this.
COLLEI: The part I hated the most, aside from getting hurt, was just the time in between. When it was just me and my thoughts, alone in a cage.
COLLEI: A lot of nights I just couldn’t sleep because of the sounds. There were so few of us, around that time, and we were all spaced far apart so we couldn’t talk to each other.
N: What sort of sounds?
COLLEI: [Snort]. Do you really want me to describe them? Because I can.
N: You’re right, it’s probably not necessary-
COLLEI: [Breathy laughter]. Skin on skin.
N:…
COLLEI: I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.
N: You can say whatever you want, Collei.
COLLEI: No, I can’t. It’s not just my story to tell.
[Collei shakes her head, staring down at the table.]
N: I think we should take a break, Collei. Do you want some water? Tea?
COLLEI: I’m okay. I’m just going to step out for a bit.
N: Take all the time you need.
[…]
Collei can’t sleep. She doesn’t like the sounds, the “Shlp. Shlp” and the “whack whack” coming from the main room. The heavy breathing and the small whimpers of pain, that cut off as if muffled. She thinks she’ll go crazy like this, because whatever experiment the Doctor is doing at this hour is forcing her eyes wide open. She doesn’t like it, when there’s no-one around but her and the sounds. She’ll count the mould spots crowding the ceiling again: 1 mold spot, 2 mold spots…
“D-Dottore- go slowe-” A gasp, followed by a strange choking sound. A deeper voice is grunting, and it’s a familiar one. Dottore sometimes grunts during his experiments, when he’s concentrating really hard or one of them is squirming around too hard and making it difficult to line up a needle. These ones are rhythmic, like a funny little laugh. Collei squirms against her mattress, hugging her arms to her ears, but the laughter still goes through flesh.
“Really puppet, you can handle any sort of pain, but this is too much?” A higher pitched squeak. “I’m disappointed.”
“Fuck, F-f-”
“Shh. There we go, squeezing so tightly around me. Good boy,” the Doctor says, and the other voice breaks into a half-sob. Collei hopes whatever test he’s running isn’t hurting him too badly. Collei doesn’t like pain, and she especially doesn’t like listening to others in pain. It’s a little strange though, because at some point the whimpers begin to turn into shallow huffs, then moaning, until there’s a strangled cry- and silence. Collei stays very, very still, as the sounds of footsteps echo, growing louder until she hears a low breath right in front of her cage.
The Doctor’s breaths start to quicken, with the rustle of fabric and those strange slurping sounds again- and then a soft groan. Collei doesn’t even breath until the footsteps fall away once more, followed by the sound of a door closing. She exhales into the silence, save for the soft, shaking breathing from the main room, and the echoes of a girl’s stifled crying in the neighboring cage.
[…]
N: Ah, you’re back. Feeling better?
COLLEI: I want to talk about Bastard.
N: The assistant.
COLLEI: Yes. I don’t know when, but I found out that he was a test subject too. But he was different from us. He could come and go whenever. I don’t think he was human- he couldn’t have been, because he looked exactly the same every time I saw him.
COLLEI: I used to think he was jealous, you know, for the attention. I used to think that until more recently, you know, realizing things when you grow up. There was always a thing that bothered me.
COLLEI: There was this time when the Doctor got mad- really mad. I remember him kneeling in front of the bars. He was going to reach for one of us. I think he was really going to do it that time. Then Bastard came in and they yelled a bunch of stuff at each other, but that wasn’t unusual. That’s when Bastard came up and hugged him, around the head. It’s like- what Mama used to do for me as a child. Well, Master does it now, but she used to do the same thing. You get the idea.
N: I do.
COLLEI: Bastard had a really sharp tongue, but for some reason that time he was all soothing? It was weird- maybe that’s why I remember it. A-anyways, then the Doctor slapped him across the face, and he hit him back. I saw that he was dragged out of the room, and then…
[Collei puts her ears over her ears, and bends over. There’s an oppressive silence in the room.]
N: Do you want to stop?
COLLEI: No. No, I can keep going, just need a moment.
COLLEI: You know how if there’s lighting, it will go anywhere and hit anything?
COLLEI: Like Master- have I told you he’s been struck by lightning? His tail was staticky for a week.
[Ms. N nods. Collei’s smile turns sad.]
COLLEI: He’s still scared of thunder, sometimes, even though he tries to hide it.
COLLEI: Well, if there’s something sticking out higher, the lightning will strike that first. I’m thinking now, why he never touched us- you, know, down there.
COLLEI: He probably wasn’t doing it on purpose- because that would mean Bastard cared. He was complicit in the entire thing, so it wouldn’t make sense. He never said a kind word to any of us- well unless it was just him. Then he kept quiet. But maybe…
COLLEI: Who knows, they were both horrible. But it still made me think about it all. I wonder how many Colleis are still there. Maybe they aren’t Colleis anymore. Maybe they’re Doctors now.
[Pause]
COLLEI: I don’t like it, when it gets all tangled and complicated like this. I liked it better when ‘Fatui’ was just another word for a bogyman I hated.
N: That’s a valid feeling.
COLLEI: I know, but I also know it’s not the truth.
COLLEI: [Nervous laugh]. I wonder what happened to him.
N: If Bastard were here, would there be anything you want to say to him?
COLLEI: Yeah. Screw you for not doing anything. [Sniffles]. And…I’m really, really sorry. I hope you’re okay.
N:…That’s very kind of you, Collei.
COLLEI: I- I think that’s enough for today. I think I’d like to go home now.
N: Of course. Thank you for sharing as much as you did.
[The sound of a door opening can be heard, then closed. Soft, barely audible sounds come from far away, of very poor quality: it’s as if the speakers do not know the device is still on.]
A CHILDISH VOICE: Did it help?
UNKNOWN MALE VOICE: [Whispered] …I don’t know.
A CHILDISH VOICE: You did a good thing. Maybe not enough, and a lot more awful things in comparison, but this wasn’t one of them. I want you to understand that.
UNKNOWN MALE VOICE: [inaudible muffled sounds] ...
A CHILDISH VOICE: …We’ll talk later, ok?
A CHILDISH VOICE: [sigh]…did I leave this on? I’ll have to check the recording later.
Click.