Chapter Text
Luke stood in the elevator staring up at the numbers. Each floor passing by agonizingly slow. His eyes were tired, red and burning and his head was pounding from being up late again last night working on the outline of the book he was trying to write. He had thought that getting back into writing would be therapeutic and give him a healthy outlet for all of the emotions that he had been dealing with over the last two years. That, of course, was until he realized just how long it had been since he had written anything.
The elevator bell chimed and the doors slid open and he quickly stepped out into the 12th floor offices of The Snyder Foundation. The assault on his senses from the normal morning chaos almost had him turning and getting back on the elevator. He had contemplated staying home and working on the Foundation’s mind numbing paperwork there but Lily was doing an interview with Kim at WOAK today and he had said he would be in and watch it with the staff.
As he started toward his office, taking his overcoat off, he could see that his assistant, Leslie, had already set up the television in the area next to her desk. It now seemed to be a tradition that any time either he or Lily or both were on TV that the television was carted out and everyone would watch and critique the interview. He had to admit that he and Lily were becoming really good at this television stuff.
“Has there been any teasers on yet, Leslie?” Luke asked as he neared the young woman’s desk.
Leslie spun around from adjusting the table that the television sat on. “No, nothing yet, Luke.”
Luke passed her and walked through his office door. “Well, let me know when she’s on.”
“Sure thing.” She smiled as she sat back down at her desk.
Luke smiled as he threw his coat on the nearby sofa and walked over and dropped heavily into the chair behind his desk. He quickly opened his messenger bag up and deposited the files he had been working on at home onto the top of his already cluttered desk. The quarterly report was dry reading but he had made a promise to both his mother and grandmother that he wouldn’t “check-out” on the Foundation again.
His life had decided to take a downward spiral, again. He almost laughed out load at that thought. He sat and was lost in memories as he quickly thought how different his life had become in the space of just a short 18-months. Mason, the jealousy, the accident, Noah’s blindness, the blame and guilt, the possibility of surgery to restore Noah’s sight. The arrival of Dr. Oliver. Reid. Luke took a deep breath. Reid had been the real beginning of the end of he and Noah.
Reid, Noah’s doctor. Reid, Luke’s lover. The two were not a good combination. The accident, Luke could finally say that to himself and believe it. The accident hadn’t changed anything. No, it had only intensified the problems that were already there in his and Noah’s relationship. With his blindness, Noah had pulled away again. At first because he had blamed Luke but then it was more because he wanted to be ‘independent’. God, how Luke had hated that word.
That, of course, had only intensified in Luke his need to cling and hover. Feeling Noah slip away, as he saw it, and not need or want him or them any longer. When Noah had said he was going to Dallas for the surgery alone he had been mad but resolute and determined to be there for Noah. When the surgery had been switched to Oakdale but Noah had still wanted his ‘independence’ Luke had finally lost it.
Wanting, even when he knew the outcome, to demand more from Noah even while knowing Noah didn’t have the more to give. The break-up had been the result, as Luke knew it would be. Deep inside Luke had known that the one thing he needed at that time was the one thing Noah wasn’t able to give especially then.
The realization a few weeks later of the deeply submerged feelings that Reid had for him had come as a surprise to say the least. The fact that when Reid acted on those feelings and Luke responded was an even bigger surprise to both of them.
The affair had stayed a secret. Luke told himself it was only to protect Reid from another Ethics Committee hearing but deep inside he had known that the real reason was because he didn’t want Noah to know. He didn’t want Noah to find out that he had moved on and moved on with a person Noah believed he hated and hated him in return.
RING. RING. RING.
Luke jumped as his cell phone rang. He picked it up before the third ring ended not bothering to glance at the display. “Hello?” He asked distractedly.
“Hello, Luke.” The voice said. The voice that seemed to reach all the way through the phone line, down into Luke’s chest and curl around his heart and squeeze.
Luke hesitated for a second as he tried to force air back into his lungs. “Hello, Noah.” He finally whispered.
Silence hung heavy over the line. Luke’s eyes focusing on the file on his desk top, anything to ground himself. Just the voice was enough to stop his heart. The surprise of hearing it after all these months terrified him.
“Luke?” Noah asked into the silence. “Are you there?
Luke jerked. “Yeah, I’m here. Just . . . I’m surprised to hear your voice.”
“Oh, if I’m bothering you I can let you go.” Noah said nervously.
“No!” Luke answered more abruptly than he had intended. He took a quick breath to steady himself. “No, it’s fine, Noah.”
Luke wondered how it was possible to ache all over just from the sound of someone’s voice. To feel that longing again all over even after Noah had been gone for months.
“It’s good to hear your voice, Noah.” Luke said quietly.
“Yours, too.” Noah breathed. Luke could hear his smile through the phone. “Luke, are you sure I’m not bothering you?”
“I’m sure. I’m just sitting at the Foundation waiting to watch my mom do an interview on Oakdale Now with Kim.” Luke smiled into the phone.
“I’m sure Lily will do great. She always does.” Noah said. Luke could hear the smile in his voice when he talked about his mother. “How is everyone? Faith, Natalie, Ethan.”
Luke smiled at the fact that Noah still cared so much for his family. “The girls are fine, hating school and loving boys.” Luke smiled into the phone. “Ethan is still a terror, but he’s so damn cute that he gets away with anything.”
“Go to hear nothing’s changed.” Noah softly chuckled. “And your parents?”
“Good.” Luke sighed. “Still not back together but they get along well enough. Dad is still with Molly, they seem to be happy. Mom is working and just concentrating on the kids. What can you do, I guess they’ll never grow up and realize they should just stay together and be done with it.”
As soon as the statement was out of his mouth he wished he could grab it and stuff it back in. The sentiment about his parent’s relationship was just a little too close to his own sad situation with Noah.
“I’m sorry about your parents, Luke.” Noah said quietly.
“I know you are.” Luke cleared a lump from his throat. “How are you, Noah? I heard you’re directing.”
“Yeah.” Noah chuckled. “Who would have thought I’d be in New York directing a soap opera.”
“Hey, it’s a start.” Luke smiled into the phone. “You have to work your way up to Spielberg and Scorsese status.”
“I know. I know.” Noah chuckled.
Luke could hear yelling and it seemed like arguing over the phone line. “Noah, what’s that? Is that a fight?”
The sounds were suddenly muffled. They returned a second later but at a lower sound level. “There were just some people having an argument, I moved away so I can hear better.”
Luke noticed what sounded like a note of strain in Noah’s voice. “Noah, where are you?”
“I’m just running some errands.” Noah answered hesitantly. “I’m at the . . . I’m at the DMV.”
“The DMV? The Department of Motor Vehicles, what for?” Luke asked with a hint of amusement.
Noah hesitated for another instance as if caught off guard. “I’m renewing my driver’s license. I never changed my address to New York, it still says Oakdale, Illinois.”
Luke sat, a slow smile spreading across his face. “Maybe you just never thought of New York as home?”
Noah was silent for a long moment. “Yeah, there could be something to that.”
“Noah . . . why are you calling?” Luke nearly slapped his hand over his mouth. The question had been in his head but he hadn’t intended to ask it.
Luke could hear the soft sound of a chuckle escaping Noah’s throat and then him clearing his throat as if he were suddenly chocked up. “You ever hear a song and can’t get it out of your head?”
“What? Sure.” Luke said in confusion and then smiled. “Which song?”
Luke sat as another silence stretched on between them.
“Luke.” Noah began hesitantly. “I never apologized for everything that happened.”
Luke sat stunned, still behind his desk. “What?”
“The accident. I never told you that I knew it wasn’t your fault.” Noah took a giant breath in to steady himself. “I’m sorry. You know, I stopped blaming you before I even came back from the rehab center at Christmas but I was to stubborn to say anything. Then . . . “
Luke sat behind his desk. His breath coming in shallow gasps as he whispered. ”The whole Reid thing happened.” Luke had wanted, needed to hear the words that Noah were finally saying. Had needed to hear them months ago but they had never come. Now, Noah was saying the words he’d longed to hear.
“Yeah, Reid.” Noah sighed. “I pushed you away over and over again thinking you would always come back.”
“Because I always did.” Luke whispered sadly. “I got . . . tired.”
“I know.” Noah whispered back.
They both sat in silence for a few seconds, both trying to comprehend what was being said.
“It was never you that was the problem. It was me.” Noah whispered again. “You know that don’t you?”
Luke swallowed hard as he tried to find his voice. “It wasn’t all you.”
“I just thought after I got my sight back we’d be able to get back to . . . to us.” Noah said. “I just never thought . . . “
”That I would move on?” Luke said with a little heat and immediately regretted it. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No, Luke.” He interrupted. “I knew eventually you would move on. I just didn’t expect it to be with . . . him.”
Luke closed his eyes as he still heard the pain in Noah’s voice at the memory of that discovery.
Noah walked out of the elevator onto the third floor of Memorial. He turned left heading toward Dr. Oliver’s office for his third follow-up appointment after the surgery that had changed Noah’s life. He was actually an hour early, but he had to re-register for OU and he hoped that Dr. Oliver could fit him in.
He had his sight back, although not perfect 20/20 any longer, but his sight was back. Each appointment confirmed that the surgery had been a success and that Noah was on his way back to being a little bit more like the Noah that he had been before the accident. He could see perfectly in his mind the first sight he’d seen after the surgery.
It had been dark in the room and still blurry but the sight of Luke’s beaming face had been the best sight he had ever seen and the only one Noah had ever wanted to see.
“Snyder, you’re the first thing I see and you couldn’t find something better than strips to wear?” Noah had chuckled as he watched tears of joy start to trail down Luke’s still smiling face.
“I knew you would appreciate them.” Luke whispered as he wiped his face with his sleeve.
Reid had stepped in then and ushered Luke out of the room as he continued the post-op examination. It was almost an hour later when Luke returned accompanied by Lily and Holden.
Luke stood back smiling and watched as Lily walked over and slowly gave an embarrassed Noah a warm hug and kiss. Holden had patted him on the shoulder and told him how proud and happy he was that Noah had gotten his sight back. Noah had noticed the unease in Luke’s stance as he stood back watching his parents.
After Lily and Holden had left Luke sat silently at Noah’s bedside, edgy and nervous.
“I know you’re seeing someone.” Noah whispered as he watched Luke’s face for the first time in seven long months, freeze. Watched as his chocolate eyes snapped up to meet his own.
Luke sat stunned as Noah’s eyes searched his own. “How?”
Noah softly sighed. “I’ve known you, Luke, for almost three years. I think I can tell when you’re hiding something from me.” Noah sat quietly for a moment still gazing into Luke’s eyes. “What else could it really be?”
Luke waited for the question he knew was coming. Dreaded it actually.
“Are you happy?” Noah whisper ed as he dropped his eyes to his own hands. He didn’t want to see the truth in those hazel eyes.
Luke hadn’t expected that. He’d expected ‘Who?’
“Yes.” He simply answered without thinking. As he watched the down turned head slowly nod.
“Good. You deserve to be.” Noah chocked.
That had been three weeks ago and Noah still didn’t know who it was that Luke had been seeing. He knew that Lily didn’t approve of him, whoever ‘him’ was. She had come to visit a few times and during her visits he had tried to casually ask about her son’s relationship and gotten the distinct impression that she thought it was short lived and that Luke had made a bad choice.
He had even seen Luke several times around Old Town and they had talked but he never asked Luke who it was. He honestly didn’t want to know, he just wanted to be sure Luke was finally happy. That he had finally found what he wanted in a relationship. Found what Noah hadn’t ever been able to be for him or give to him in their own relationship.
Noah walked into the reception area of Dr. Oliver’s office and saw that his secretary was gone. He could hear the soft whisper of Dr. Oliver’s voice drifting out from his office and so decided he would chance knocking and ask if he could be squeezed in.
As Noah walked over he saw that the door was open ever so slightly. He pushed on the door and started speaking before he even had gotten a look at who was with Dr. Oliver in his office.
“Dr. Oliver I was wondering . . .” Noah stopped as the words died in his throat at the sight in front of him.
Dr. Oliver was standing just to the side of his desk and he was in the middle of a heated, passionate kiss . . . with a man. His hands not the hands of a surgeon but the hands of a lover as they roamed underneath the other man’s shirt, up his back.
Dr. Oliver and the man jerked apart as they sensed someone had walked in and Noah felt his knees buckle as he realized that the other man was Luke.
“Noah?” Luke breathed as he stepped back and tried, unsuccessfully to straighten his shirt.
All three stood staring at each other for what seemed hours but in reality was only a few seconds. Noah watched as a blush raced up Luke’s face as he finally got his shirt back in place. He turned to look disbelievingly at his doctor, the doctor that had said countless times how much he didn’t like Luke, how much he hated the fact that Luke had forced him here. Seems like Dr. Oliver had an odd way of showing his dislike.
“Noah.” Luke began but stopped as Noah’s now dead eyes turned back to him.
“Don’t.” Noah said calmly and then turned and walked out of the office.
Luke was racing out the door and down the hallway before he knew what was happening and caught up with Noah’s retreating back just as he was pressing the button for the elevator.
“Noah, let me explain.” Luke said quietly as he came to a stop next to Noah.
Noah didn’t turn, he simply stared straight ahead at the doors of the elevator. “There’s nothing to explain.” He whispered fiercely.
“We didn’t plan it, it just happened.” Luke whispered desperately. “I wanted to tell you but I just . . . I just didn’t know how.”
The doors to the elevator finally opened and Noah darted in. He just wanted to get away as quickly as possible but Luke stood on the threshold forcing the elevator doors open.
“Noah, please.” Luke nearly sobbed. “Say something, anything.”
Noah’s eyes that had been glued to the floor finally snapped up and blue glared into hazel. “Didn’t know how to tell me?” A rough chuckle burst from him. “Gee, what’s the problem Luke. Didn’t know how to tell me that my ex-boyfriend who originally hated my egocentric surgeon is now f*ucking him. I guess, you two can have quite a laugh on how you pulled one over on the blind guy.”
“It wasn’t like that at all.” Luke whispered.
“How was it than?” Noah snapped as he stepped up into Luke’s face. “Tell me, Luke. How do you go from hating someone’s guts to f*ucking him? Because you are f*ucking him aren’t you?”
Luke’s head snapped back at Noah’s words and his eyes dropped to the floor at the accusation’s he saw in Noah’s.
“Well, Luke!?!” Noah nearly yelled. “Are you going to tell me the truth now?!?”
“Yes.” Luke said nearly crying. “Yes, we’re sleeping together. There are you happy?”
Noah stepped back and stared at the one man he thought he’d love for the rest of his life. “No, Luke, I’m about as far from happy as you can possibly get.”
Luke looked up, unshed tears sitting in his eyes as he looked into Noah’s face. A face now totally devoid of expression when looking at him.
“Move, Luke.” Noah said as he reached to press the elevator button.
Luke involuntarily stepped back and his and Noah’s eyes locked once more as the elevator doors slowly shut.
“I should have told you right after your surgery about me and Reid.” Luke stopped, taking a deep breath. “I just didn’t know how.”
“Yeah. It was a bit of a shock.” Noah replied quietly. “That’s an understatement, actually.”
Luke softly chuckled. “That’s Luke Snyder, if you can’t do it big than don’t do it at all.”
Luke sat as another silence fell between them. His eyes searching around the room until they fell on Leslie and another woman sitting and watching the television. “Hold on a minute, Noah.”
He walked over to the doorway. “Leslie, what’s going on with my mother’s interview?”
Leslie slowly turned but didn’t pull her eyes away from the television screen. “It’s been pre-emptied by the network. They’re covering some breaking news out of . . . “
”Well, just let me know when she’s on.” Luke said cutting her off and turning back into his office.
“Luke?” Noah asked.
“Yeah, I’m here.” Luke answered as he walked over to his office window that overlooked Oakdale.
“I shouldn’t have run away. We should have talked about it.” Noah whispered.
“Well, that’s kind of what you do, Noah.” Luke smiled into the phone. “Runaway.”
BANG - BANG - BANG - BANG.
Luke jumped at the loud noise coming from the phone line. “What the hell was that?!?”
There was several seconds of silence and Luke could hear Noah’s breathing heavy over the phone. “Noah?”
“It was just . . . it was just some steel plates out on the road. A bus or a truck must have passed over it and popped them.” Noah was trying to chuckle nervously. “It happens all the time here in Brooklyn. The streets are a mess.”
Luke laughed softly. “I don’t think this country boy would be able to get use to that.”
“You get use to anything if you hear it often enough.” Noah answered with a sigh. “Luke?”
“Noah?” Luke said.
“I’ve been seeing someone.” Noah started.
Luke unconsciously tensed up. “Oh.” He swallowed. “That’s nice but . . .”
“What? No! No, not like that.” Noah interrupted when he realized that Luke misunderstood. “I’ve been going to see a therapist.”
“Oh!” Luke breathed. “That’s good . . . right?”
“Yeah.” Noah said with a sigh. “It’s been helping me a lot. Dr. Gibson has helped me figure a lot of things out about myself . . . about my father . . . about us.”
“Us?” Luke asked.
“I shouldn’t have said the things I said before I left.” Noah breathed into the phone.
Luke swallowed the lump that again appeared in his throat as he turned from the window and sat back down behind his desk. “They were how you felt.” He whispered in a shaking voice.
“I didn’t mean them.” Noah answered.
Luke closed his eyes trying to keep the tears at bay, remembering their last meeting. Noah having come by the farm to say goodbye to his family. Not him, but his parents and brother and sisters.
The screen door slammed open and than shut as Noah raced out of the Snyder’s kitchen. It ricocheted back open and closed again a second later when Luke ran out after him.
“That’s it!?! Just like that?!?” Luke nearly screamed at Noah’s back as he reached for the door handle of his truck.
Noah stopped and stood still facing the truck. He hadn’t wanted this. He had thought that Luke wouldn’t be home and had come by to say his goodbyes to the Snyder’s. He just couldn’t leave Oakdale and the last three years of his life behind without saying goodbye to people that almost seemed like his family.
He had just finished hugging a crying Natalie and Faith when Luke walked in through the screen door and stopped dead in his tracks.
“I saw your truck.” Luke looked between Noah and the sad faces of his family. “What’s going on here?”
“Noah’s leaving Oakdale and it’s all your fault!” Faith screamed as she ran, crying up the stairs to her room.
Luke stood as if slapped in the face. “What?”
Noah hastily tuned back to Mr. and Mrs. Snyder who were now standing awkwardly behind him. “Thank you for letting me be a part of your family, Mr. and Mrs. Snyder. It meant so much to me.”
Lily waved a silent hand at him as tears ran down her face. She reached out and pulled him into a giant hug. “Stay. Work it out.” She whispered into his ear.
Noah slowly pulled back, looking down into eyes that were too much like Luke’s and silently shook his head, no.
Holden’s hand landed on his shoulder and gently squeezed. “You will always have a home here with us, Noah.” Holden smiled.
“Thank you, sir.” Noah said in a chocked voice.
Noah quickly turned and moved past Luke and out the screen door.
“You were just going to leave and not even say goodbye to me?” Luke yelled as he watched Noah’s back as he stood tuned toward his truck.
“Goodbye, Luke.” Noah said in a strained voice. His knuckles turning white as he stood gripping the door handle.
“Ass*hole!” Luke screamed.
Noah turned and quickly took five giant steps to stand face to face with Luke. He could see the golden flecks in his hazel eyes. He could feel Luke’s breath as it came in ragged gasps. He could almost melt in the heat, the connection, the chemistry that still existed between them, had always existed between them, would always exist between them.
“What do you want me to say? What do you want me to do?” Noah breathed out the questions. “You’re with him. Would talking about anything change that?”
Luke stood staring up into the blue eyes that he’d lived in for the last three years. He had never thought that he would be leaving them. To not want to be engulfed in them. He could hear the vague hope in Noah’s last question. ‘Would talking about anything change that?’
“No.” Luke whispered as he watched the faint glimmer of hope die in those blue eyes.
Noah nodded his head once. “That’s what I thought.” He turned and headed back to the truck.
“Running away like always.” Luke said to the retreating back.
Noah stopped and turned once more. “And Reid’s just the next generation Brian.”
Luke’s head snapped back, stunned. “What?”
“Another older man, Luke. Someone you can throw yourself at when you feel insecure about us.” Noah said quietly. “Your insecurities that you couldn’t control because I wouldn’t let you do everything for me. That I wanted to be able to do things myself. You couldn’t fill your need to care for me and do things for me so you turned to someone else who needs you. Needs you and your name and your money and your influence to get him out of trouble.”
Luke stood staring at him. The words washing over him.
“At least, I never used you, Luke.” Noah said in a fierce whisper. “I’m guilty of a lot of mistakes in our relationship, but I never used you or your family.”
Luke watched in silence as Noah turned and hopped into his truck, started it up and turned down the driveway and was gone.
“I’m sure he wasn’t using you.” Noah said sadly. “I’m sure he fell in love with you just as hard a I did.” Noah said into the phone.
Luke sat. His mouth wanted to form the words he longed to tell Noah but the words weren’t coming. They seemed to be stuck in his throat.
“Luke.” Luke listened to the voice that all of the sudden seemed chocked up. “Just tell me you’re happy with him. Please, just tell me you are? That I did the right thing by leaving Oakdale. Please.”
The longing and pleading in Noah’s voice was breaking Luke’s heart. The need for Noah to hear that he was indeed happy being with Reid. The need to know that his running had resulted in a good, that Luke had found what he wanted.
Luke tried to clear his throat but he couldn’t seem to get the lump that suddenly appeared there to move.
“Luke?” Noah asked again, his voice strangled.
“Noah . . . “ Luke began but was interrupted by the sound of a musical beep indicating that the cell phone signal had been dropped.
Luke pulled the phone away from his face and looked at the display. “Shit!” He whispered fiercely as he quickly tried the redial button. He waited as the mechanical voice explained that the person who he was trying to call was unavailable.
“Damn cell phones!”