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Reminiscing: Part 1
“Oh, Martha. He’s beautiful,” Merlin said as he looked down at the tiny baby in his arms. “Doesn’t he look just like his father?”
“Everyone keeps saying that,” Martha replied with a laugh. “I’m a little bit miffed, seeing as I did all the hard work!”
Merlin grinned as he rocked the little baby gently and said, “I know the feeling. I went through nine months and a bloody difficult labour all for Matthew to come out looking the spit of Arthur. The dice lands unfairly sometimes.” He took a seat on the edge of bed and looked at Martha, saying, “Are you ok? I know the first few days afterwards can be overwhelming.”
“Gwen said much the same thing,” Martha replied as she settled back against the pillows. Martha had been Gwen’s maid for nearly ten years, although the two were more like sisters, and Gwen refused to treat Martha as anything but an equal. “I’m fine. A little tired, but that’s to be expected. I don’t think it’s really hit me yet, as daft as that sounds.”
“No, it isn’t daft,” Merlin said softly as he studied the tiny baby’s face and remembered how it had felt to hold Matthew at such an age. “You go through so much, carrying them and bringing them into the world, that it can often take a few days to realise that this precious little thing is actually yours. It can take some getting used to.”
“I keep looking at him and wondering how on earth I managed to make something so perfect. It doesn’t seem real.”
“Wait until he has you up all night, then it’ll seem real.”
There was a knock on the door and Gwen let herself in, smiling when she saw Merlin with the baby. “I might have known you’d be down here. You can’t help yourself.”
“Arthur warned me not to get too broody,” Merlin said with a smile as the baby began to wriggle and stir. “He’s one to talk. Every time someone mentions babies he gets a wistful expression in his eyes and give me a hopeful look. I think, if he had his way, we would have ended up with dozens of children.”
After a few more cuddles with the delightful little boy, Merlin left Gwen and Martha alone and made his way back through the town. He stopped to say hello to the market traders and had a few conversations with various other members of the town as he walked through it leisurely. It was a fine summer’s day and Merlin always enjoyed being down in the town with all its hustle and bustle on days like these.
He made his way back up to the castle and to his chambers, hearing the noise from within when he was halfway down the corridor. He smiled to himself and paused as he approached the doorway, watching as Arthur galloped around the room, with Ygraine on his back, while Matthew stood on the bed with a toy sword.
“Get back, you wicked dragon!” Matthew called as he brandished his sword at Arthur. “Unhand the fair maiden!”
“I don’t need rescuing, I can do it myself!” Ygraine protested as she clung onto Arthur’s shirt and looked as though she was half-strangling him in the process.
“That’s not how it works, Ygraine,” Matthew said with a huff. “Knights always rescue the damsel in distress.”
“I’m not a damsel,” Ygraine shot back, “and I’m not in distress, either. I’m far better with a sword than you are.”
“Ygraine,” Matthew groaned. “How can I save you from the fearsome dragon if you won’t let yourself be saved?”
“The dragon would quite like to be able to breathe,” Arthur said, sounding rather choked as he tried to adjust his daughter to a more comfortable position on his back.
“I leave you alone for an hour and I come back to chaos,” Merlin said as he entered the room, smiling at his children’s delightful nonsense.
“Adda!” Matthew said happily. “Will you come and be the damsel in distress? Ygraine’s rubbish.”
“I’m not carrying him on my back,” Arthur said with a snort as he let Ygraine tumble down onto the bed.
“How rude,” Merlin said as he greeted his husband with a kiss, then did the same to Matthew and Ygraine.
“How’s Martha and the baby?” Arthur asked as Ygraine took the sword from Matthew and began twirling it, as she had watched her father do on many an occasion.
“Both well. The baby’s the absolute image of Peter, just like this one looks so much like you,” Merlin said as he cupped Matthew’s chin.
“I look like you, Adda,” Ygraine said proudly. “Auntie Gwen said if it wasn’t for my blond hair I’d look just like you.”
“Quite so, my love,” Merlin said, pressing a kiss to her blond curls. “You two need to get yourselves ready; you have lessons with your Grandpa and he’ll be waiting.”
“Oh, I’d forgotten,” Arthur said, tucking his shirt back into his trousers where it had come loose from all the activity. “Go on then, you two. Put your toys back in your room and go straight to Grandpa.”
Matthew and Ygraine complied, leaving the room after they’d given both their parents a hug and renewing their previous squabble about whether or not Ygraine should play a damsel in future games.
“He’s fighting a losing battle there,” Arthur said with a smile. He looked at Merlin and said, “Everything alright? You look a bit faraway.”
“Oh, I’m fine,” Merlin said as he wound an arm around Arthur’s waist and tucked himself into his husband’s side. “The new baby just got me thinking, that’s all.”
“You don’t want another one, do you?”
Merlin laughed and said, “No, I think two’s plenty for me. I was just remembering how it felt when Matthew was first born.”
“Feels an age ago now, doesn’t it?”
“Mm. It certainly does.”
Merlin looked down at the small bundle in his arms and couldn’t quite believe that it was his son he was holding. It didn’t feel real that the tiny life he had carried inside him, the baby he had felt move and kick, was now there in his hold.
Sometimes he felt as though he had stumbled into a dream, that he had had some wild, fae creature placed into the basket beside his bed, as it was too surreal to imagine that he was his own son he picked up over and over again.
“Merlin, can I come in?” Gwaine said as he popped his head around the door.
“Of course,” Merlin said, shifting Matthew to lie more comfortably in the crook of his elbow as he sat in the window seat with a blanket around them both to ward off the chill.
Gwaine came to sit opposite him, smiling gently as he said, “And how’s the new father?”
Merlin returned the smile and said, “Not sure whether I’m coming or going, to be honest with you.”
Gwaine frowned slightly and said, “Everything alright?”
“Yes,” Merlin answered quickly, then looked down at Matthew as he said, “I mean…mostly.”
“Talk to me,” Gwaine said, placing his hand on Merlin’s knee affectionately.
“Oh, I’m just being stupid,” Merlin said with a sigh.”
“Fine, be stupid. It won’t be anything new for me.”
Merlin laughed softly and said, “I don’t know. I think my mind’s in a bit of a muddle at the moment. Everything feels so strange. I carried this little creature for nine months and I spent most of that time worrying about Arthur and what he would feel. I don’t think I gave any thought to how I would feel.”
“And how do you feel?”
“Overwhelmed,” Merlin answered honestly. “I’m overwhelmed by how intense everything is. When he cries, my heart hurts because I worry that he’s unhappy or in pain. We he sleeps, I worry that he’s stopped breathing so I lie awake watching him, making sure his little chest keeps rising and falling. When I hold him, I feel such a rush of love that I can’t believe my heart can contain it all. I feel lost sometimes, because I don’t know what to do to soothe him, and I worry that somehow I’ll end up making mistakes and failing him as his father.”
“Oh, Merls,” Gwaine said with a sigh. He shifted to sit beside Merlin on the window seat and wrapped a gentle arm around his shoulders. “You love that little boy so much that it’s impossible you’ll fail him. Babies are bloody hard work – I should know; I raised both my sisters from babes, ungrateful hags that they are. They cry, they mewl, they vomit all over you and sometimes nothing you do is good enough to please them.”
“You paint a wonderful picture of child-rearing,” Merlin said, oddly comforted by Gwaine’s blunt words.
“I never met anyone who wasn’t absolutely confounded within the first six months of their first child’s arrival. There’s so much to learn, to understand, and of course people don’t help with their conflicting pieces of advice.”
Merlin snorted and said, “Isn’t that the truth?”
Gwaine gave his shoulders a squeeze and said, “It’s perfectly natural to feel all at sea. You have a brand new life that relies on you for everything and your world has been turned upside down. I see how you look at him though, I see the way your face lights up when you hold him. You love him, and that’s worth more than all the knowledge in the world.”
“Thank you, Gwaine,” Merlin said as he looked down at his son’s beautiful face.
“I’ll leave you in peace, but I’ll be back again tomorrow. We’ll take the little one for a walk and get you both out into the fresh air.”
He kissed the side of Merlin’s head and stood up, caressing Matthew’s cheek softly before he headed for the door.
“You’re a good friend, Gwaine,” Merlin said softly.
“I know,” Gwaine said with a grin as he left the room.
Merlin shook his head and looked at Matthew as the little boy’s eyes began to open. “Hello, my prince,” Merlin said as his son blinked himself awake. Merlin watched as Matthew yawned and wriggled within his arms, holding him closer as his little body moved. “People keep telling me I should leave you alone when you’re sleeping, but sometimes I can’t resist a cuddle,” he said as he moved the blanket aside and stood up.
He walked slowly around the room as he rocked Matthew gently, the little boy looking up at him with an expression that was just like Arthur’s. He looked so like his father, even at only a couple of weeks old. The only thing he seemed to have inherited from Merlin was his dark hair, which was dusted across his little head in patches.
“You look so like your pa,” Merlin told him as he continued to walk. “You have his eyes and his handsome face. I wonder which of us you’ll take after in personality.” He held Matthew close to his chest and studied his little face, so captured by the beauty of his son. “I can’t quite believe you’re ours, little one. It doesn’t seem real.”
“It’s real enough alright,” came Arthur’s voice by his ear as Arthur hands settled on his hips.
“Where did you come from?” Merlin said, titling his head to look at him.
“Just popped in for a moment before I have to attend to training,” Arthur replied as he brought his hand up to cup Matthew’s head. “Couldn’t stay away from this one for too long.”
“I’m surprised you’ve deigned to be away from him at all,” Merlin replied, looking at the adoring expression on Arthur’s face as he looked at their son.
It had only been a couple of weeks since Matthew had first been placed in Arthur’s arms, and Merlin had watched in wonder as Arthur had fallen head over heels in love with the little baby. Merlin had hoped he would, of course, but there had been the smallest part of him that had worried Arthur wouldn’t be able to. Those fears had vanished in an instant, and Merlin had fallen in love with Arthur all over again as he watched him become a devoted father to their child.
“It’s a damn close thing, I’ll admit,” Arthur said as he stroked Matthew’s fine hair. “It’s too cruel to be away from him for any longer than I have to.” He pressed a kiss to Merlin’s cheek and said, “And how are you, my love? Have you been resting?”
“I’m fine. It’s been a couple of weeks since he was born, I don’t need to rest.”
“Yes you do, Gaius said so. Your body’s been through a lot, you need to give it a proper chance to heal,” Arthur argued.
“My magic’s done most of the work. If I’m tired it’s because I lie awake all night looking at him.”
“As do I,” Arthur said softly. “He’s a miracle. What a fool I was to think otherwise. He’s perfect. He’s ours.”
Merlin leant back against Arthur as he continued to hold Matthew tenderly. They both looked down at their son as the little boy stared up at them both, his blue eyes searching their faces. “Ours,” Merlin echoed with a whisper. “Who would have ever believed it?”
“Not I,” Arthur said, holding Merlin tightly. “Falling in love with you was improbable enough, I never dared to hope we would have a family together.”
“And now here we are. Life has been kinder to me than I’m sure I deserve. I was just telling Gwaine that I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with everything, and it’s true. I’m overwhelmed with the strength of my feelings, with how much love I’m capable of. I’m overwhelmed by the fact that I’m a father, that this little life is mine to treasure and protect. It’ll take some time to properly adjust to it, I think.”
Arthur gave Merlin a squeeze and said, “I feel the same way. I’ve lost hours of the day just staring at him. He’s utterly perfect and it’s our privilege to be his parents.”
Merlin leant down and pressed a gentle kiss to Matthew’s forehead, saying, “Sleep, little one. Your parents are here. We’ll watch over you.”
“I love you,” Arthur whispered next to Merlin’s ear.
“And I love you, too,” Merlin replied, sighing contentedly and knowing that, even though parenthood would be a difficult road to walk, there was no one he would rather travel on it with than Arthur.