Work Text:
“Hanakai Disease,” Dr. Rosario says softly- tugging her stool over to the bed and shaking Eddie’s world. What the fuck is Hanakai Disease. As if she can read his mind, she starts speaking again “before you freak out Mr. Diaz let me explain it too you…Hanakai is very, very rare. And it leads to even more pressing issues. There is so little studies about it I can’t even tell you for sure, a hundred percent that the recorded methods of healing will work. Seeing as, I have never in my lifetime dealt with it. Simply heard of it. Hanakai is a heart stress disease, without the proper care it can lead to heart break syndrome or to the carrier drowning in their own blood…” she smiled at him sadly, breaking bad news is just her job he reminded himself.
Dr Rosario adjust herself, smoothing out her coat and sighing heavily- her clip board balanced on her knees. When she speaks again, it’s with the authority of someone who knows what they’re talking about “the recorded history of Hanakai is a very short history and at that, most of what you read about it online is all about the folklore side of this disease.”
She stops again, taking in a deep breath before launching back into her information dump and blowing his world into smithers “back during the Salem witch trials they believed it was witches killing the men and woman who rejected them…causing them to drown and choke on flower petals. Obviously today, we know it is far more scientific then that.”
She started to write, her eyes on her clip board as she spoke “Your heart circulates your blood and your heart has chordae tendineaes, also known as heart strings. When a heart string snaps, the blood they where receiving reroutes to the lungs. This causes the dispel of blood by cough. During the trials…people believed the blood was flower petals that had been trapped in the lungs. As the disease progresses, the person with the disease starts to experience chest pains. These strings can heal themselves but only by fixing your heart break. As cliche as it sounds Mr. Diaz, whatever has broken your heart…needs to be fixed. Whether it be through closure or admittance. Something needs to change in your life to save your life.”
“Doc,” Eddie said stiffly- his head spinning and his stomach churning at all of this new information “couldn’t therapy fix it? Isn’t that what these kinds of sicknesses require…like depression medication or therapists?”
“You would certainly think so but the truth of the matter is much more difficult…your heart strings will continue to deal with this stress. Everyone has breaking points Mr. Diaz. For everyone it’s different…hearts are the hardest working muscles in our bodies, they’re extremely fortified and are very very hard to break. But some things can break them. For me, I imagine it would be the loss of my wife or daughters. But then again I wouldn’t know because my heart has always kept up with my pains. Which I’m grateful for. Your heart in this matter, met it’s breaking point,” her voice is so soothing it grates his nerves “you hear about heart attacks but you don’t hear about heart break syndrome. That’s what your heart is dealing with. Except it’s rerouting into Hanakai Disease instead of simply breaking. Which is a good thing believe it or not. This gives you near three months…give or take a couple of weeks. To find the closure your heart needs to repair itself. I can put you on a Serotonin shot to slow this down but the only cure is to stop your heart from breaking…which…you are the only one that really knows the reason it is.”
Eddie sucked in a breath, his hand pressing against his chest “I have never, in the whole of my life, heard of this disease-“
“You wouldn’t be the first one, when I was in medical school they didn’t even teach us about it. Because the chances of us coming across it in our careers was one in a million. The only reason I knew of it was because my mother died of simple heart break syndrome. Reading into it, I found Hanakai and how it ties into a form of heart break. So, if you have any questions Mr. Diaz you are always welcome to call me and in three weeks, I need to see you again. To keep track of the progression, that way we both know if you are nearing a good end or a bad end.”
Eddie pressed his hands to his face, shaking softly and praying his death would be quick “what happens if I can’t fix it-“ he asked quietly “what if I can’t stop my heart from breaking-“
“You’ll either drown in your own blood or you will die of heart break syndrome…but you should be focusing on dealing with this Eddie. Face your fears and find the cause. Put it to bed before it puts you to bed.” The door clicked closed behind her and he finally, after weeks of coughing up blood and feeling mild terror, broke down.
Sobbing into his hands.
Because he knew what his heart break was. And there was no way to fix it.
—————————
Eddie left the hospital on unsteady feet, his chest burning and at this point he didn’t know if it was because of his disease or just because he was upset. His biggest worry was telling his team…telling Buck and Chris.
For a half a day he thought about not telling anyone but he was pale, dark bags under his eyes and lips an unnatural pink. Stained from blood. So instead of getting ready for his shift, he went in and dropped his doctors note on Bobby’s desk. Accepting the hug he received and trying to ignore the eyes he could feel on them from the windows surrounding Bobby’s office.
After telling Bobby, everything in detail. He told the team- excluding Buck. Who he waited to tell one on one.
Which he regretted now that he was sitting next to his concerned best friend, his gorgeous blue eyes drilling into him from the couch cushion off to Eddie’s left.
“What’s going on with you?” Buck asked seriously- his fingers twitching on his lap.
“I’m dying Buck,” Eddie spit out- maybe a little too aggressively. Another regret to add to his pile when Buck’s eyes filled with tears and he whimpered out a soft and destroyed “what?”
“It’s called Hanakai Disease…” he shifted, easily leaning against Buck despite the sharp pain it sent through his heart “the doc gave me close to three months before it-“ he sighed, breathing heavily- the sentence dying on his lips “it leads to something called heart break syndrome…” he doesn’t know when he makes the decision to not tell Buck about the drowning on his own blood part but at some point in the conversation he makes it. Thinking maybe that was a bit too much.
He falls silent, Buck’s soft cries muffled in his neck “how do we stop it?” He asked between sniffles “Eddie how do we fix it-“
“I don’t think we can Evan…” he throws caution to the wind, reaching up to run his fingers through Buck’s hair because he was dying. Taylor could at least let him have that touch from the man he loved, from the man she had.
Although she didn’t deserve him. Not even a little.
Buck makes a gasping sound- like his soul is being ripped from his body “I can’t lose you-“ he says hollowly, his hand twisting in the front of Eddie’s shirt “Eds- I can’t lose you-“
If what Dr. Rosario had said were true, which obviously it was- Eddie thought he could feel it that time. One of his heart strings snapping, it left him breathless and crying into Buck’s hair- trying to hide the sudden chest pain he was over come with.
Add that to his heart breaks.
Just like the heart break of Taylor Kelly and how she always seemed to be every where, kissing the man he loved. Keeping Buck from seeing his heart broken son. It was being trapped in a well and thinking- maybe just maybe Buck will be waiting for me when I get out of here. He’ll take me home to Chris. I’ll tell him and I’ll keep him close.
But when Buck had taken him home that night, he had still stayed silent. Swallowing the words that rested on the tip of his tongue. One excuse after another to make him think he was doing the right thing.
Leaving him wondering now, with his nose tucked safely in the soft curls on Buck’s head, where this had all started. Thinking maybe, he knew before he knew he knew.
His strings had been damaged when they’d been getting shot at, seeing blood on Buck’s face and panicking for a moment- wondering just where he was bleeding before his eyes glazed over- his shoulder flared with pain and he was falling, Buck’s frozen form stuck in the fore front of his mind. And the realization that it hadn’t been Buck. It had been him. The relief. The blackness that had prickled his vision when he heard Buck’s voice almost as if he’d been floating above him “I’m coming! Eddie I’m coming! Stay awake!” And god he’d wanted to cry out, to tell him NO. NO you can’t it’s dangerous. His salvation had come with flashes of a hand, coming at him- tearing at his arm and stretching his wound- a scream the only noise he was able to make.
His heart had only simmered when he was in the back of that fire truck, Buck’s hands on his face and his shoulder- pressing and begging him to hold on. “Three minutes Eddie! Three minutes out! stay with me Eddie!” In the back of that fire truck, Eddie’s mind had clicked just enough for him to ask Buck if he was okay because he couldn’t die without knowing. He couldn’t.
Once satisfied with Buck’s answer he took to noting every detail of Buck’s face. His teary blue eyes, his birth mark, the feel of Buck’s hands against his neck checking for a pulse. Because if he was going to die he was taking the memory of Evan Buckley with him.
It was there he realized he’d been in love with Evan since the words ‘you can have my back any day’ had fallen from his mouth. It was there that the first heart string had snapped.
He didn’t know how he knew but he did. He was certain.
Now, his newest breaking string was with the knowledge that he’d escaped death one too many times and it was all coming to an end. Starting just as he started to begin again. With Evan saying his name.
Nothing seemed more right then that. Evan had brought him to life again and Evan would put him to rest after it was all over.
Because who else had that kind of power over him. In the grand scheme of things, Eddie thought it was a pretty natural way to go.
—————————
Buck had been unnaturally quiet when he’d shown up that morning to help get Chris to school. Something he hadn’t done in a while, not since Taylor. And Eddie could see the wheels in his best friends head spinning as he paced Eddie’s kitchen. Cleaning things that Eddie himself had already taken care of.
“Have you told Chris?” Buck asked curious- seriously. Blue eyes intense and digging.
“Yeah, he knows…” Eddie decided softly “and he knows what happens after…”
“What happens after…” Buck echoed, his eyes filling with tears “I- I-“
“You don’t have to say anything Buck, I know you’ll do what’s right for him- I trust you…”
“Eddie,” Buck’s voice broke and Eddie felt the urge to hug him- tightly and lovingly “I did some research…I know that you can fix it…and I was thinking…it’s Ana right? The break up…” Evan chewed uncertainly on his bottom lip, eyes burning a hole in Eddie’s forehead.
“It’s not Ana Buck, I did like her and I liked how much Chris liked her but Carla said something to me before everything happened…about choosing for me and not for Chris. Ana was never going to be it for me…my heart break is deeper then her. It’s unfixable.”
“How do you know that?” Evan snapped, tears now freely falling down his face “because the person I’m in love with doesn’t want me-“ Eddie says honestly, quietly “they would never want me…”
“Then they are stupid!” Buck said aggressively- brokenly “and I’ll be happy to tell them how fucking idiotic they are if I have too! You can’t just die Eddie! You have to at least try!”
“Evan please!” He pleaded, his chest beginning to hurt. And suddenly, he clocked it- this wasn’t a normal type of pain. He suddenly couldn’t speak- his vision blacking out. After dealing with this whole thing for weeks he’d become accustomed to the pains and this, this was not the same.
He stumbled, Buck’s worried voice in his ears as he reached to steady himself on the counter, right hand clutching his heart and breaths coming in short pants.
“Eddie!”
Even crying, Eddie noted, even crying Buck sounded beautiful. Eddie’s name in his mouth sounded beautiful.
It was his final thought before he hit the ground and surrendered to the blackness at the edges of his blurry vision.
—————————
Opening his eyes to see Buck laying half on top of him in a hospital bed, fingers tangled in his hair and a nose pressed into his neck was more surprising then him waking up in the hospital in the first place.
Not that Eddie was complaining.
“Buck-“ he breathed softly and shifted- pressing his finger tips into the small of his best friends back and breathing in his shampoo.
“Who is it?” Buck breathed softly- his voice wavering “who caused your heart to break Eds? If you won’t fix it then I fucking will- just give me a name.”
Eddie sighed softly, his eyes filling with tears against his own will “Buck- I- would you just trust that I know how this ends…please…I can’t spend the last couple of months- weeks- of my life worrying about what I will never be able to have…and it’s no one’s fault but mine…I waited too long.”
He felt warm tears hit his skin, soaking into his jawline. Felt fingers gently tugging on his hair and wanted nothing more then to spill his guts. But he didn’t, he scritched his nails over the small of Buck’s back instead.
Buck made no attempt to move and Eddie was eternally grateful that he was getting away with holding him. No matter how long it lasted- it was worth it.
—————————
Eddie would have loved to say that things didn’t change but they did. Bobby took him off the schedule, assuring him he could work again when he got better. ‘Not if, when Eddie’ he’d said and pointedly nudged him. And he hadn’t had the heart to tell him there wasn’t a when or an if.
Hen started coming over for supper every Friday…Denny running upstairs with Chris to play mindless video games. And Buck, Buck practically moved in with him again. Cooked for them, helped Chris with homework. Glared at him if he even tried to suggest that Buck didn’t have to take care of him.
And Eddie also would have liked to say that Buck being around didn’t effect him but it did. He fell asleep on the couch most nights, woke up with Buck’s head in his lap. They would have dinner like a family. Chris was smiling more, hell- Eddie was smiling more.
And Taylor Kelly was a distant mention on the horizon. Which Eddie felt guilty about loving. But he couldn’t help but wonder what would happen when Buck inevitably went home to her and left Eddie to suffer in silence.
If anything Buck’s attentiveness- the way he would be there when Eddie had coughing fits or the way Buck would constantly be touching him- was only a temporary fix.
He couldn’t heal properly, not unless he somehow managed to convince his best friend to love him in the way he loved his best friend.
—————————
“Your heart strings are healing,” Dr Rosario said excitedly “there’s less blood in your lungs then there was at our first appointment…you seem to have a handle on whatever is causing this…”
“I wouldn’t say a handle,” Eddie said softly- tugging uselessly at his hair “I’ve talked to my therapist about some of it…which I think helped but in all honesty doc…it’s because Evan is around all the time now…I knew the moment you told me what this was, what the cause was…I’ve been through countless heart strains but none as big as being in love with my best friend…”
Dr Rosario’s face relaxed, a contemplative look crosses her eyes and her mouth turns down softly in thought “let me suggest something Mr. Diaz…this disease ends in one of two ways. You live or you die. While you’re healing, the way in which your healing is almost like a temporary fix…almost like you’re tricking yourself into thinking this is enough, him being around is enough, until you wake up one day and can’t breath. Until you watch him wait for someone that isn’t you at the top of an isle and suddenly your chest constricts and you see white…either way, you’re facing death. And this disease is so rare it’s hard to know if this, telling him will fix it at all. The only thing that’s certain is you will die if you don’t at least try…so try Mr. Diaz. If not for yourself, for the people who love you…” she stood up, smiling softly at him and squeezing his hand. She mumbles something about seeing him again soon before leaving the room and Eddie can’t help but think that maybe she’s right.
—————————
All he wanted after his appointment was to go home- to nap before Chris got home from school. But the moment he set foot in the house- Buck was there. With an intense expression and red rimmed eyes.
Eddie hated how much Evan had been crying lately.
And Eddie was positive he knew exactly what was going to fall out of Buck’s mouth before it fell. Because it had been going an on going argument- in soft spoken words and wobbling lips.
“Who is it? You don’t have to do anything Eddie- I’ll take care of it for you.”
Eddie would have loved to tell him, would have loved to spit out ‘it’s you Buck, it’s always been you.’ But he also didn’t think guilt tripping the guy into loving him was the way to save his life. So he never did say anything.
Today was no different.
“Just a name,” Buck breathed softly- following along after him as he chucked his shoes off at the front door and headed down the hallway to his room. “Come on Eddie, I’m just trying to help you! Why won’t you let me help you!?”
“Because there is no helping me Buck! This only ends in one way!” Tears started to push and burn at the back of his eyes and he grunted with the effort to hold them in.
“Why?! Why do you think this ends in one way?! You aren’t even trying Eddie! You’re resigning yourself to die without trying to save yourself!”
Eddie reached out, his foot steps dying when he reached his bedroom door- his hand hitting the wall next to him and he takes a minute to steady himself “because he doesn’t love me like that!” Eddie snapped “Why won’t you just let this go! Just let me live before it all inevitably crashes down around me?!”
“Because I’m in love with you! You absolute dipshit!” Buck’s voice wobbled- a sob following his words and filling Eddie’s ears with white noise for all of two seconds.
“You’re in love with me?” He voiced softly, trying not to let an ounce of hope squeeze into his voice and failing. He thinks about turning to face him but has no idea if he will be able to speak if he does that.
“Yeah…” Evan says quietly “I do and I’m sitting around watching you die- it’s destroying me Eddie- I don’t want to raise Chris alone…I want to raise him with you. I want you. I need you and if you die, a part of me will die with you. So please, please just give me a damn name-“
“What about Taylor?” Eddie’s own voice shook and for a second he convinced himself there was no way Buck had said what he’d said. When he finally gathered the courage to turn he was met with utter confusion, as if it was unheard of for Eddie to be asking about Taylor.
“I broke up with Taylor weeks ago- right before you got your diagnosis-“ he took in a shakey breath. Opening and closing his mouth a few times “Eddie who is it-?”
He would like to say that he stood tall, told Evan the truth in surety but it would have been a lie because as soon as the words left Buck- the strength he’d so very carefully constructed came tumbling down and he hit his knees with a choking shuddering sob. And Buck, standing above him in confusion and alarm- sunk down next to him “Eddie- does it hurt- are you hurting-“
“It’s you Buck,” he choked out- almost as if his airway was clogged up and the words where barely hearable behind it “It’s you- I’ve been in love with you for years-“
The surprise- the hope- mirrored back on Buck’s face left Eddie’s heart skipping beats. Which I’m his current state, almost seemed like it was dangerous. And then the next second, Buck’s arms where around his waist and Buck’s lips where against his. Insistent and loving.
And all Eddie could do was make note at how different- how exhilarating and right it felt to kiss Buck. His arms wrapping around his neck and his body shifting nearly into his best friends lap.
Eddie should point out, that having sex in the floor of his hallway- after a doctor had just informed him he was still facing death from a heart condition- probably wasn’t the best option for said heart.
But it didn’t seem to matter much, not with Evan under him- not with hands in his hair and his name falling from perfect lips in a breathy moan.
And hey, afterwards when they where laying in the floor- in the afterglow- he wondered if maybe his heart had started to repair itself again.
—————————4 Months Later
Eddie woke up warm, Buck laying half on top of him. A sleepy smile pressed into his bare shoulder. The exact way he’d fallen asleep the night before, the exact way he’d been touching him since Dr. Rosario gave him a clean bill of health. Heart strings repaired, blood no longer a problem.
In a way it felt like magic, he got to be in love. He got to be with the man of his dreams and that was all he needed to not be dying. He shifted under Buck- sighing heavily and pushing at Buck’s chest. A soft mumbled “Chris has school,” lost in the pillow under his face.
He clocked Buck at being awake when he felt the first feather light kiss against his neck- felt hands sliding down to squeeze his ass. Felt his boyfriend pressing into him with an urgency that suggested he’d woken up in need of assistance.
Which most mornings he did. And most morning, Eddie was more then happy to help.
He rolled himself, shifting to put himself over Buck- his eyes on the clock, his hands braced against Evan’s chest and his legs straddling him.
“It’s five thirty,” Buck grinned- his hands roaming “we have thirty minutes-“
“Mhm,” he ground down- pleasure sparking in his stomach at the noise it elicited “let’s use it then-“ he wiggled, dragging his nails over Buck’s chest and smiling- smiling because he got to have this. He got to have him.
Who would have thought, Hanakai Disease and a possible looming death sentence was all it would take for him to get his head out of his ass.
“We should, we should definitely use it-“ Buck grinned and tugged him into a kiss, butterflies still stampeding his stomach every time he got to put his lips on his best friend. On the man he was going to marry.