Chapter Text
Black was sitting down to do his homework when Gumpa dropped into the seat across the table from him in the library. “You’re a hard man to find,” he said, and Black looked up, then around, gesturing to the fact that he was sitting in the library of the university that he attended. Gumpa laughed. “Yeah, that’s fair. I didn’t think to look for you here until Gram mentioned you had been at class yesterday. Wasn’t sure you were still going.”
“Why shouldn’t I?” Black asked, flipping the page of his textbook.
“No reason. I’m glad you are.”
Black sighed and jotted down the answer to a math problem. “Why are you here?”
“You haven’t been at the garage lately,” Gumpa said, and Black didn’t respond. “Or returning my texts. And I thought about it, and I realized I owe you an apology.”
At this, Black did look up, a faint frown creasing his face. “You don’t owe me shit, hia.”
Gumpa sighed. “Listen. I know you, and I know you don’t like to talk about – well, about anything, but especially about stuff like this. But I was out of line the day you showed back up. I was pissed at you because of the way you hurt Sean, and I said something cruel because I knew it would hurt you.”
Black went back to his math without a word.
“White isn’t better than you, Black. He’s different. He’s good at some things that you’re not, and you’re good at things that he’s not. His social media campaign saved our asses, but we wouldn’t have made it that far if you hadn’t showed up at the hospital and gotten the cops off our tail.”
“So?” Black said, scribbling down another answer.
“So, I was wrong to say that, and I’m sorry.”
Black sighed. “If this is what emotional maturity is like, I want no part of it.”
That made Gumpa laugh. “Okay. But now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, will you come back to the garage?”
“Why?” Black asked, turning the page to see the next problem.
“Well,” Gumpa said, his voice even, “last time I checked, we’re your friends.”
“Check again.”
Gumpa sighed. “White said something the other day about how he had ‘taken over’ your place, so you couldn’t come back. You realize that’s pretty stupid, right? Our group doesn’t have a capacity limit. We can have both of you in it.”
“They like him better anyway.”
“Sean does,” Gumpa said, “which is no surprise. But Gram is pretty neutral, and honestly I think Yok was relieved when he realized that White was your twin and you hadn’t had a personality transplant.” He let that sit for a moment, before continuing, “You aren’t the friendliest guy. They know that. But you brought those kids together. You gave them a purpose and a goal. You saved their lives at the hospital. None of them want you gone, Black.”
Black felt tears stinging at his eyes, which pissed him off. He stared down at his textbook and resolved not to let Gumpa see.
“I won’t try to make you, because I know that nobody makes you do anything,” Gumpa said, “but think about it, okay?”
“Sure,” Black muttered. “Now get out of my face, hia.”
Gumpa stood up, but before he walked away, he squeezed Black’s shoulder. Black waited until he was gone to wipe the tears away.
~ ~ ~ ~
One of Black’s favorite places to go was the roof of his apartment building. It wasn’t a nice roof, with a garden or a fence or anything like that. They weren’t even supposed to be up there, but the lock had been broken for ages. He didn’t think many people knew that, because it was rare that there was anyone else up there. It was an easy and close place to be alone, and have a cigarette without smoking in his room, which he didn’t like to do.
He was somehow unsurprised to see White coming out of the door that led to the stairs. He wasn’t sure if somebody had told White that he liked the roof, or if White just . . . knew that. He thought it could go either way, but strangely hoped it was the latter. Maybe White also liked coming up the roof. Maybe it was something they had in common.
“I thought you said you were going to quit smoking,” White said, sitting down on the ledge next to Black.
Black took a drag on his cigarette and said, “Run that conversation through your mind again.”
White thought back to when they had talked about it. He had said to Black, ‘You really should quit,’ and Black had replied with, ‘Yeah, I should’. Technically he hadn’t said he would actually do so, and White felt annoyed. “Well, why won’t you? Do you think smoking makes you look cool or something?”
Black turned an incredulous look on him and said, deadpan, “Yeah, White. I smoke because I want to look cool.”
“Give me that,” White said, grabbing the cigarette out of his hand and tossing it to the ground. Black made a disgruntled noise as White ground it into the concrete with his heel. “You’re such an asshole.”
“You know I could just light up another one, yeah?”
“Only if you want me to shove it up your nose.”
“Don’t talk like such a badass. You’d be crying uncle in fourteen seconds.”
“You got your ass kicked by Todd so don’t start with me.”
Black gave him a whap upside the head which wasn’t really painful. “I got my ass kicked by six of Todd’s guys, dickhead.”
White pulled his knees up to his chest, looking out over the horizon. “Aren’t you worried that they’re going to come after you? They have to know you’re the one who put him in the hospital.”
Black shrugged. “Sure. But they’d have to find me first.”
White looked at him with a hint of incredulity. “This is your apartment building. You live here. Todd knows you live here.”
Black gave another shrug and didn’t reply.
“Is that why you won’t go back to the garage? Because you know that won’t help, right? If they see me there, they’ll just think I’m you.”
“Whatever,” Black said, his favorite non-answer.
White huffed out a sigh. “Gumpa said he talked to you. About coming back.”
“Yeah,” Black said.
“Listen . . .” White fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “I never meant to replace you there. I know you wanted me to leave, to go back to my own life. I don’t know if that’s because you didn’t want me in danger, or if it was because you didn’t think you could go back while I was still there. I couldn’t do it, though.”
“I noticed,” Black said.
“Gumpa said that’s stupid. That I’m not taking your place, because I have my own place there.” He paused, and when he didn’t get a reply, continued earnestly. “You should come back, Black. The goals you had, the ideals - we can still reach them, together.”
“You still say that after getting black-bagged, huh?” Black gave him a look, then snorted. “You’ve got bigger balls than I would’ve thought.”
White winced. “I mean, obviously that wasn’t the best night of my life, but yeah. Because I understood the danger. I knew that I could die and I decided beforehand that it was worth it, to try to transform this society. You used to think that, too. Why does it seem like you’ve changed your mind? Like you’ve given up?”
Black said nothing, not knowing the words to explain, not sure if he really understood it himself. And there was a part of him that agreed with White, because of course there was. To accomplish those goals, together. With his twin brother by his side, where he belonged.
How could he explain how hoping for that was like a knife in his gut? That if he let himself hope, and it didn’t work, that might finally be too much for him? How could he still believe he had a place in this world?
“Black,” White said, when he didn’t answer, “just one time, okay? Just give it one chance. Gumpa said he was going to cook on Friday. Come have dinner with us, and if you decide not to come back after that, then I won’t argue anymore.”
“You’re just gonna whine until I do, huh?” Black said.
White laughed quietly. “I’m younger. It’s my job to whine.”
“Now that is some bullshit.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes. Finally, White said, “What was up between you and Todd anyway? Because you can’t convince me that it was nothing. He had three chances to kill you and missed every time.”
“What’s it matter?” Black asked.
“I guess maybe it doesn’t,” White said. “But I want to know anyway. I missed so much of your life. You’re my brother and I have no idea what happened to you for years. Can’t you just tell me?”
Black stared out into space for so long that White thought he wasn’t going to say anything, or that he was going to change the subject. Finally, he said, “Yeah, we hooked up. You know.” He pulled out another cigarette and lit it, and White wisely didn’t comment. “His dad took him to live in America for a few years when he was eleven, so I didn’t see him for a while. He came back when he was fifteen and by then I was doing a year in juvie. The next year, when I got out, was the first time we’d seen each other in years. For some reason, he thought we were still friends. We started dating right after we both turned eighteen.”
He fell silent, and White gave him a minute before saying, “But then he turned out to be corrupt, just like Tawi?”
“Not back then,” Black said. “We dated for . . . maybe a year and a half. And I wanted to go public with it, but he didn’t. You know, his family, his reputation, all that shit.” He waved a hand with the cigarette. “His family was pretty homophobic, I think, even if he never admitted that to me. He told me I didn’t get to tell him when to come out. And I said sure, fine, but he couldn’t tell me to be okay with a boyfriend in the closet. So we broke up.”
“That sucks,” White said.
“Yeah. We still hooked up off and on. Then I started dating Eugene and he got pissy about it.”
White thought about that for a minute. “Eugene seemed really great, but to be honest I didn’t get the feeling you were anywhere near as into her as she was into you.”
“Yeah, well.” Black shrugged, hunching his shoulders up. “I liked Eugene okay. And she liked me. She really . . . cared about me.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes. White thought over all the things Black wouldn’t say, but he could hear so clearly. How hard it would have been to walk away from someone who actually loved him, even if he didn’t love her in return. “And Todd got jealous? What a prick.”
“Yeah.” Black snorted. “I told him he didn’t have the right but he was pretty upset about it. He knew I didn’t really like her like that and said I was just using her. Which I was, I guess. He told me I should be more understanding of his problems. I told him to go to hell. Then I found out he was corrupt, and then he had his goons put me in a coma.”
“So . . . you broke up with him,” White said thoughtfully, “and then you started dating someone else, so he did a bunch of stuff he knew would piss you off, to get your attention?”
“I don’t think that was his motivation,” Black said, rolling his eyes.
“I mean, are you sure?”
Black puffed on his cigarette and said nothing.
“So . . . juvie, huh?”
“Vandalism and malicious destruction of property.”
“That’s all?”
“That’s all they could prove.”
Despite himself, White laughed.
~ ~ ~ ~
For a few minutes after arriving, Black stood just inside the entrance of the garage, unmoving, unnoticed. He was good at that. As a child, he had been loud, and it had always gotten him into trouble. He had learned how to be still, how to be quiet, out of self-defense. It had served him well. He stood and just watched the others. White was sitting in Sean’s lap, playing with his hair. Gram and Yok were playing darts. All four of them were arguing about who was going to have to do the dishes.
It was normal. So normal that he nearly turned and walked right back out the door.
White rubbed his chest absently, as if it hurt, and then looked up. “Ah, Black!” he said, and his face broke into a wide smile. Black told himself that no matter how much the rest of the evening hurt, it would be worth it for that smile. “I’m glad you came.”
“Hey, what’s up?” Gram greeted Black. “You’ve been avoiding me in class. Nuch thinks you’re pissed at me about Eugene. I told her you didn’t care, but she didn’t believe me.”
Black shook his head. “You’ve always liked her more than I did, anyway.”
“That’s what I said to Nuch!” Gram said, laughing. “But seriously, thanks for not being pissed.”
Black shrugged. Yok elbowed in and jostled him. “Man, when you showed up at the hospital, it nearly gave me a boner. That was epic.”
“Nearly?” Black tried to smile and failed.
“Don’t be that way, I had just had surgery!” Yok was grinning. “It’s not your fault I couldn’t get it up. This place hasn’t been the same without you! The vibes were all off when it was White. I can’t believe we didn’t figure it out. Like, looking back on it, it’s so obvious. I could instantly pinpoint the moment the switch was made. If we’d actually known you’d had a twin, he wouldn’t have gotten away with it for five minutes.”
“You prefer Black’s vibes?” Sean asked dryly, but gave Black a nod of greeting, which Black returned.
“I don’t think his vibes are better; they’re just different,” Yok said, unknowingly echoing what Gumpa had said in the library a few days previous. “They’re the vibes I was used to. Now we’ll have the vibe of them both being here together and that’ll be a new vibe to get used to, too.”
Sean scowled slightly, then said, “So you’re back? Are we gonna get back to work?”
Black hesitated, and hated the feeling of uncertainty. “Tawi’s going to end up in prison. Why do you still care?”
“Uh, because Tawi is one of, like, a thousand assholes?” Sean retorted.
“I know that, but I was never sure you did.”
Sean opened his mouth, but Gumpa came over with a platter, and squeezed his shoulder. “We’ll talk about work after dinner,” he said. “Let’s eat.”
Black let Gumpa shuffle him over to the table and dish him a plate of food. He ate hungrily, because if his mouth was full of food, they couldn’t expect him to talk. His silence didn’t seem to bother them - but then, he supposed, it never had. This was how most meals had gone - Yok talking the most, with Gram and Sean chipping in, and Gumpa telling stories and occasionally reeling them back in if it seemed like there might be an argument. White joined in now, too, but like Black, he didn’t actually talk very much. Black wondered if that was because he hadn’t been able to talk during the meals, afraid he would give himself away.
After the food was gone, Gumpa grabbed a couple of six packs and sat back down. “Hey, White, did Black tell you about how the two of us met?”
White shook his head, instantly invested, while Black rolled his eyes.
“I was at a red light on my bike,” Gumpa said. “Down the street from some business or other. And Black comes running out their front door like his tail is on fire, down the street, with three or four goons behind him. You know the type, dark suits, sunglasses - corporate thugs. And he sees me, jumps on the back of my bike, and shouts - ”
Sean, Gram, and Yok chime in, in perfect unison, having clearly heard the story a hundred times. “Drive, fuckin’ drive!”
White laughed as Black huffed and pretended to be annoyed. “Did you?”
“Oh, hell, yes. Screw those guys.” Gumpa laughed and poured himself a drink. “I drove him back here and gave him some tips about how corporate sabotage shouldn’t be done at two PM on a Thursday.”
“Get fucked, hia,” Black said, without any venom in his voice.
White laughed harder, and Gumpa grinned and said, “After that, I couldn’t get rid of him.”
“Yeah, well, at least I had my own place to sleep,” Black said.
“Fuck off with that right now, you prick,” Sean snapped.
Trying to defuse the situation, White said, “Sean, you met Gumpa before you met Black?”
Sean was still glaring at Black, but after a moment he settled down and nodded. “Yeah. Applied for a job here after what happened to my dad. My mom couldn’t work and we needed money for the funeral. She decided to move back to her hometown in the country so I started staying here, but it was never pity. I pay fucking rent.”
“Please,” Black said under his breath.
Desperate, White turned to Yok. “What about you?”
Yok laughed. “I met Sean through Namo. Art stuff. She introduced us, said it seemed like we’d get along. He brought me here and I met the others. And Gram just met Black at university, so that’s a boring story. Sorry we can’t all be as entertaining as a motorcycle chase.”
“You’ve been friends with Namo a long time, huh,” White said to Sean. “How do you know her?”
“She grew up down my block. I had a lot of friends back then, but she’s the only one who stuck by me after what happened.”
“Sure you didn’t just chase all the others off with your winning personality?” Black asked.
Sean’s fists clenched. “Is this how it’s gonna be from now on, Black? Because you can take that shit outside right the fuck now.”
“My pleasure,” Black snapped, pushing back from the table. He was halfway to the door when he heard White calling his name, and halfway down the alley before Gumpa caught up with him, grabbing him by the shoulder.
“Black, what the hell are you doing?” Gumpa asked, sounding exasperated.
“Proving my point,” Black snarled. “You’re the one who said they still wanted me around, and I said they didn’t, and guess which one of us was right?”
“Yeah, I said they still wanted you around,” Gumpa said. “I don’t recall the part where I told you to come in here and start antagonizing Sean for no reason.”
“I have a reason. He’s an asshole and I hate him, and he doesn’t deserve my brother.”
Gumpa opened his mouth, then shook his head and said, “No, you know what? I’m not going to respond to that last part and try to reason with you on it when you know you’re wrong and you’re just lashing out.”
“Fuck you, I’m not wrong. He had no right to put my brother in danger!”
“White didn’t do this for Sean,” Gumpa said. “You know that, Black. White made his own choices. He took on the risks willingly. He walked into danger to help you.” As soon as the words left his mouth, understanding passed over his face, and Black tried to walk away again. He reached out and grabbed Black by the arm. “And that’s why you’re acting this way. Because it’s easier to be angry at Sean than it is to be angry at yourself.”
“Fuck you,” Black retorted.
Gumpa took him by the shoulders and made Black turn to face him. “He’s okay, Black. Your brother is okay. Yes, he was in danger, and yes, he got hurt. But he’s okay. You’re both okay.”
Black choked back tears and tried to pull away again, but Gumpa pulled him into an embrace. He wrapped his arms around Black and held him tightly.
“You’re okay, Black,” he said, and Black let out a shuddering sob. “You’re okay. You’re safe now.”
Unable to stop himself, Black clutched at the back of Gumpa’s shirt, burying his face in Gumpa’s shoulder. Gumpa just held onto him, occasionally rubbing his back and reiterating quietly that he was safe.
Finally, Black pulled away and wiped his eyes. “Don’t tell anyone about this.”
“Okay, Black, I won’t tell the others you’re a human being.”
Black flipped him off.
“Black,” Gumpa said quietly. “I know that what happened to you must have scared the shit out of you. And I know you don’t want to think about your brother being in the same sort of danger that put you in the hospital. That’s not unreasonable. But you can’t make his choices for him. He believes in the same cause that you do, and that’s a good thing. I think you’re both going to be okay. You’re not alone anymore, Black, so stop convincing yourself that you are.”
“Whatever,” Black said, but he turned to walk back inside, and Gumpa followed him.
As soon as he got inside, Sean looked up and scowled, half-rising from his seat before White pulled him back down. Sean muttered something just loud enough for Yok and Gram to snicker, and White looked over at Black anxiously, clearly thinking he might turn around and walk right back out.
Black sighed and bit the proverbial bullet, walking over to Sean. “Hey. Let’s talk privately.”
“Why?” Sean stood up, despite White’s best efforts. “If you’re going to apologize, do it in front of everyone. If you’re not, don’t fucking talk to me.”
Black felt his temper rising, but before he could say anything, Yok chimed in. “What’s with the two of you? You never got along but ever since Black woke up, you seem to hate each other.”
“Tell them,” Sean said. “Tell them what you did.”
“Fuck off, Sean,” Black said, all thoughts of being reasonable vanishing from his head.
Without breaking eye contact, Sean said, “I fell in love with White, and when Black woke up, that pissed him off so much that he pretended to be his brother - ”
“White was already pretending to be me, so actually I wasn’t pretending to be anyone,” Black shot back.
Sean didn’t let the words stop him. “ - broke up with me on White’s behalf, and beat the shit out of me.”
“I wouldn’t have been able to beat the shit out of you if you’d just fought back.”
“Yeah, for some weird reason I didn’t want to hurt the man I’d fallen in love with. Maybe you’d understand that if you’d ever given a damn about anyone besides yourself in your whole life.”
“Sean!” White stood up, and grabbed Sean’s arm. “That’s not fair and you know it.”
Sean scowled and looked away.
“Black,” White said, his tone almost pleading, “I know you were upset that I was putting myself in danger, but that’s not Sean’s fault. I know that you went through something awful and you were upset and took it out on Sean. Can’t you just apologize and we’ll put it behind us?”
Black said nothing, fists balled at his sides, trembling with rage.
“I made my own choices, Black. I wanted to find out who had hurt you and make sure that they were taken care of and you weren’t in danger. It’s not their fault that I lied to them and pretended to be you, so they treated me like I was you. Don’t blame them for my choices, and don’t blame yourself, either.”
“It’s not about that,” Black said.
“Then what is it about?” White asked, his gaze searching his twin’s face. “Were you just upset that Sean liked me? I never meant to, to steal things that were meant to be yours. I just - ”
“Shut the fuck up, White,” Black said. “You’ll never understand this. Everyone always chooses you.” The words squeezed out of his tightening throat, despite his effort to stop them. “Ever since we were kids, everyone always wanted to hang out with you, to be your friend. At most they’d tolerate me. It doesn’t surprise me that these guys chose you, too.”
“Maybe it wouldn’t be like that if you weren’t such a dick all the time,” Sean snapped.
“Sean - ”
“What the fuck would you know?” Black shot back. “Your dad was a scumbag drug trafficker but at least he cared about you. My parents fucking fought over which one of them had to take me, when they split up. My dad won and got to take White but Mom made him move to Russia because of it. That was his penalty for getting the ‘better’ twin.”
Sean’s face started with rage when Black mentioned his father, but transformed to surprise, and then - something else.
“Don’t fucking look at me like that!” Black shouted. “Don’t you dare fucking look at me like you pity me!”
Sean punched him across the jaw. Black went reeling, but didn’t fall. “Fuck you! Would I hit you if I pitied you? It’s not always about you, you stupid piece of shit! Half your wounds are self-inflicted but you still take it out on the rest of us! You’re a selfish son of a bitch!”
“Fuck you!” Black swung, and Sean blocked, then hit him again.
“You wanted me to fight you, well, I’ll fucking fight you!” Sean shouted. “You’re selfish because you think nobody will ever have your back, and we all fucking knew that and accepted it until you started making a big deal out of the fact that I like White! Me falling in love with White isn’t about you!”
Black slammed his forehead into the bridge of Sean’s nose, and Sean stumbled backwards. Black was about to follow it up with a solid punch to the jaw when White ducked in between them. “Both of you stop it!” he said. He sounded exasperated. “Honestly, Black! Didn’t you come in here to apologize? I saw the look on your face. Why are you picking a fight?”
“He started it,” Black snapped.
“What is this, grade school?” White rolled his eyes. “He asked you to apologize in public. Is that so bad?”
“Maybe I’m not fucking sorry.”
White sighed. “Then I’ll go first. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry that I put myself in danger. I’m sorry that Sean likes me more than you even though you never liked him so I don’t even know why that bugs you. I’m sorry our parents are insane and decided to reenact The Parent Trap but worse. I’m sorry that I made you feel like you couldn’t come back here because I made friends with your friends. I’m sorry I let Todd trick me like a dumbass. I’m sorry for all of it. Okay?”
Black scrubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. “Yeah. Okay.”
White gave him an expectant look.
“I’m sorry that I freaked out after my friend tried to kill me and put me in a coma and I woke up in the hospital by myself.”
“Black . . .”
Black sighed. “I’m sorry that I’m a fucking mess and I take that out on everyone around me. I’m not sorry that I lied to Sean and pretended to be you pretending to be me, because if he couldn’t tell the difference that’s his own fucking problem. But . . .” He choked down the resentment and anger and managed to look at Sean. “I’m sorry that I hurt you just because I could. I was fucked up about White taking over my life for a dozen different reasons but you didn’t deserve that.”
After a moment, Sean nodded.
“Now hug and make up,” Gumpa said.
Sean and Black both groaned, and Gumpa was clearly joking, but White hooked an arm around each of them and pulled them close to him so they had no choice. Black sighed, but after a moment gave in. Sean looped an arm around Black’s waist, and Black let his face get pressed into Sean’s shoulder.
“So,” Yok said brightly, “is this a good time to mention that I’m dating Dan again?”
Both Sean and Black pulled away from White abruptly.
“Are you fucking kidding me - ” Sean began.
“What the fuck is wrong with you - ” Black said at the same time.
Yok laughed. “See? At least you two agree on something.”
They both eyed him suspiciously. “So you just said that to get a rise out of us?” Sean asked.
“Oh, no, I am actually dating Dan again,” Yok said. Both of them sputtered, and Yok’s face became serious. “I’m not gonna ask you guys to like him or go out on double dates with us. But I’m not going to lie about it either.”
“Why are you dating the cop that betrayed you and tried to arrest you?” Black demanded.
“I mean, he didn’t do that because he wanted to,” Yok said. “His superiors threatened his family and told him that if he didn’t arrest us, we would all just wind up getting disappeared. Which I might mention is exactly what nearly happened after he failed to arrest us. Anyway, he quit his job, so he’s not even a cop anymore.”
“That’s bullshit - ”
“Oh, shut up, Black,” Yok said, sounding more amused than anything else. “Your boyfriend put you in a coma so you can’t lecture me on my taste in men.”
“Ex boyfriend,” Black snapped, “and I put him in a coma right back so it’s completely different.” He stopped, then blinked. “Wait. How did you know that? White, did you - ”
“No, White didn’t say shit,” Yok said, laughing. “I saw you and Todd together once, and once was enough. Sexual tension up to here,” he said, holding his hand level with his shoulder.
“Hang on,” Gram said suspiciously. “Black, were you cheating on Eugene with Todd?”
“No!” Black grit his teeth. “I broke up with Todd long before I started dating Eugene. It’s not my fault he got pissed off and jealous and decided to start doing shady real estate deals to get my attention and then put me in a coma. What does this have to do with the fact that Yok is dating a cop?”
“Ex cop,” Yok said, grinning. “Is that why you went after Todd? This is like a telenovela - ”
“Shut up, Yok,” Black said. But for some reason, he felt the tension going out of his shoulders, felt himself relaxing at Yok’s gentle teasing. “You want a telenovela? How many minutes, in total, had you interacted with Dan before you asked him to get naked for that picture - ”
“Hey, that was an art thing!” Yok protested. “I didn’t ask him to get naked for sexy reasons.”
“How many minutes, Yok?”
“Maybe forty or so,” Yok said, laughing.
Gram and Sean started laughing, too. White smiled, looking at Black, who found himself smiling in return.
“All right, come on, we need the full Todd story,” Yok said, gesturing for them to sit back down around the table. “Give us all the gory details.”
Black sat down. White sat next to him, and pulled Sean down on his other side. Gumpa brought another six pack over to the table and settled back into his seat. “Okay, but only if you tell me how you ended up hooking up with a cop, because I wasn’t actually there for that.”
“Oh, right,” Yok said. “Okay. Square deal.”
~ ~ ~ ~
“Hey.” White leaned in and pressed a kiss against Sean’s chin as they lay in bed together. The garage was quiet. The others had left at least an hour previous, and Gumpa had gone to bed not long after that. “Tell me about how it all started. How you and Black met. Did he know Gumpa before you did?”
Sean glanced at him, then huffed out a sigh and nodded. “By the time I got the job here, Black was coming around pretty regularly. Gumpa was training him - he used to be a professional boxer, I don’t know if you know that - and they would talk about politics and shit I didn’t really care about back then. I hated him right off the bat.”
“Why?” White asked, then added, “I mean, was it more than just Black being Black?”
“Part of it was that. I mean, Black’s an asshole, you know that. Part of it was just that I hated everybody back then, except Gumpa, and sometimes I hated him, too. A lot of it was because Black talked about changing society, about fixing things, and I didn’t want to fix things, I wanted to destroy things.” Sean shrugged. “We just didn’t get along. We were always like oil and water, but I don’t know that there was a reason for it.”
White thought about that, leaning in to give Sean another kiss. “So what happened?”
A slight smile touched Sean’s face. “He ate dinner with us a lot of the time, and one time Gumpa had the TV on. It was some story about Tawi, I don’t even remember what anymore. I was about to tell Gumpa to turn that shit off, when I realized Black was watching it, and then I was about to tell him to get lost. Then he just turned to me and said, ‘hey, you wanna ruin that piece of shit?’ And I said ‘fuck yeah I do.’”
White laughed quietly, nestling closer and draping his arm over Sean’s stomach.
“He brought in Gram and I brought in Yok, and Gumpa started training all four of us together. We started with the school chancellor, since we were all pissed off at him, I think I told you about that. Then we did a few other things before Black saw an article about Tawi’s mansion and the forest rights and everything, and we decided to burn it down. I knew that for Black, Tawi was just a stepping stone. But at least it was one I wanted to fucking step on. And I guess from there you know the story.”
“Yeah. That was not the best night of my life.” White laughed again. “I was like ‘let’s see what Black and his friends have been up to’ and then was like ‘oh, we’re committing arson. That’s great’.”
Sean laughed, too, rolling onto his side so he could kiss White, which he did several times. “And we kept asking you questions you couldn’t answer.”
“Yes! ‘Go over the plan with us one more time, Black’. I thought I would give myself away for sure.”
“I wish you’d just told us. I mean, I get why you didn’t, but still. That was a weird few weeks of my life, suddenly liking a guy I’d hated for months.”
“I bet.” White reached up and ran his fingers over Sean’s cheek. “Tell me when you realized you were in love with me.”
“Under the pride flag.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. You were adorable.”
“Shut up,” White said, laughing.
“I mean it. I thought - ” Sean sighed and shook his head. “Listen, when you messed up my plan at Tawi’s factory, I was pissed, you know that. And I thought - maybe you had done it to fuck with me. To prove that you were better at planning than me or something.”
White blinked at him. “Even Black wouldn’t have done that.”
“Yeah, I know. Too risky. He would’ve just told me that my plan sucked and refused to go along with it.” Sean shrugged. “But I couldn’t see why else you might have done it. And then, the protests, the demonstrations, and - for the first time in a long time, I felt like there was hope. Maybe we could really do something, and Tawi would pay for what he did to my family. I realized you did what you did because you were right about what would happen. And then you started dancing, and - smiling. You looked so happy.” Sean kissed him. “You were beautiful.” Another kiss. “Okay, your turn. When did you realize you were in love with me?”
“Well, let’s not make it a competition of who charmed the other first - ”
“You saying that means I won, doesn’t it,” Sean asked, grinning, and he began poking White in the ribs. “C’mon, spill. You have to tell me now.”
White squirmed away. “Well . . . remember when I came in and Namo had fallen asleep here, and I acted like a prick for what we both thought was no reason?”
“Yeah,” Sean said, then laughed. “You were jealous of Namo? I’ll have to tell her. She’ll think that’s really funny.”
“I didn’t realize it at first, and then I left and was asking myself why I had reacted like that, and I was suddenly like ‘oh crap’.”
Sean laughed harder. “A reasonable reaction to realizing you have a crush.”
“Did you think that, too?”
“No, I thought more along the lines of ‘I have no idea what’s up with Black but I’m gonna kiss him until he’s out of breath’.” Sean grinned. “You’re blushing again.”
“I am not - ” White protested, and Sean kissed him.
~ ~ ~ ~
When Black had woken up in the hospital, after the doctors had checked him over and he had figured out what day it was, the nurse had said to him, “Your friend is going to be so happy!”
“My friend?” Black had asked, and that was how he had found out that Todd had been visiting him in the hospital. Every day, the nurse said, he just came in and sat with Black for an hour or so, not saying anything, just being there. His brother had come by a few times, too, she had mentioned, which was how Black had found out that White was back in Thailand.
At the time, he had found it darkly humorous that Todd had visited him after putting him there, and later he had thought of it as sentimental bullshit. Now, here he was, sitting next to Todd’s bed, staring at his unconscious face.
Black sat there and hated the fact that he wanted to be there, because Todd knew him better than anybody else.
“How did you know it was me?” he had asked Todd, shortly after Todd had nearly drowned him.
“Come on, man,” Todd had said. “I knew you’d gotten out of the hospital. Obviously it was you.”
He stared at Todd’s face, thinking back over the years they had known each other, unable to help but think of what White had said. Had Todd really started doing shady stuff just to get Black’s attention, or to get back at him for their break-up? He hated the fact that it sort of made sense. Todd hadn’t had a big hand in his family’s companies before his father’s death, and they had been more or less on the level. They committed the same crimes that every major corporation did - wage theft, discrimination, occasionally sexual harrassment. But they hadn’t been like Tawi, hadn’t gotten involved in drugs or human trafficking or any of the things that Black had been looking into.
“You stupid piece of shit,” he said to Todd’s unconscious face. “You put yourself here. I hope you know that.”
For too many days to count, he visited Todd in the hospital, until finally he walked in one day and Todd was awake. He saw Todd half-sitting up, sipping a cup of tea through a straw, and was immediately filled with rage. “You dumb asshole. How the fuck are you awake already?”
Todd gave a hoarse laugh and put the cup of tea aside. “Every head injury is different, Black.”
“Fuck you.” Black slumped into the chair next to the bed.
They sat in silence for several long minutes.
Finally, Black said, “Can we stop pretending that we’re going to kill each other now?”
“Yeah,” Todd said, with another wheezing laugh. “Yeah, okay. Sounds good.”
Another minute of silence.
“White thinks you started doing shady bullshit to get my attention, because you were pissed at me and jealous of Eugene,” Black said.
Todd said nothing.
“For fuck’s sake, Todd. Tell me that you weren’t trying to become a drug kingpin because you were mad that I was fucking a girl.”
Todd shook his head, but instead of replying, said, “Did I ever tell you how my dad died?”
Black frowned, not seeing how this had anything to do with their discussion. “You said he was hit by a car.”
“Yeah. Yeah, he was.” Todd laughed hoarsely. “A big old truck. He jumped a fence and walked down to the highway, waited for a shipping truck, and stepped out in front of it.”
Black’s eyes went wide despite himself. “Your dad committed suicide? You never told me that.”
“Of course I didn’t. We didn’t tell anybody. Bribed every media outlet in Thailand to have them say it was a tragic accident and gave the truck driver ten million baht to keep his mouth shut. How was I supposed to tell you that? You wanna know why he did it?”
Black nodded.
“Because he had taken the company his father and grandfather built and run it into the ground. It was on the edge of bankruptcy. He’d made a bunch of bad investments, then doubled down and threw good money after bad. Oh, and that’s not going into his gambling problem, and the fact that he was in debt to every scumbag in the country.”
“Shit,” Black said, unsure what else he could say.
“So yeah. My dad killed himself and dumped the whole problem in my lap, as the oldest son. And I sat in this big office with these accountants and lawyers and they were all telling me about the best ways to dissolve the company, salvage what we could. What we could sell and what we should give up on. But how could I do that? This was my family’s company. Four generations of work. So I said that, and they mostly left, but a few of them stayed behind and said there were ‘options’ but only if I was willing to get my hands dirty. And I thought about you, you know, and your stupid ideals and your naïve belief that business should always be clean, and I knew you wouldn’t want me to do it, but I didn’t see any other way out. So I called you.”
“You did?” Black frowned. “What? When?”
“I called you three separate times, you asshole, and texted you half a dozen. I got one reply: ‘I’m busy’.” Todd looked away. “You’d just started hanging out with the garage gang. So yeah. I guess you were busy.”
“Fuck,” Black muttered, then rallied. “I reached out to you after your dad died and you said you didn’t want to talk to me.”
“Yeah, I didn’t,” Todd said, “because you immediately started asking if I might come out of the closet now that he was dead.”
“I wanted to be with you,” Black said, his throat tight.
“Like that makes the rest of my family, the rest of my company, any less shitty about it,” Todd said, then rubbed a hand over his face. “Forget it. I don’t want to have that argument again. The point is, yeah, I told you to fuck off when you started up with that. Then I reached out to you and you ignored me. And I was still trying to figure out what to do when Tawi called me. Said he had heard my company was in a bit of trouble, expressed his condolences for my dad’s death and the shitty hand I’d been dealt. He said he could help me out. Loan me some money, talk to some banks. All for the low, low price of letting him use a couple of our facilities to smuggle some drugs. So I said yes. Because fuck you, Black. You talk about making a better society like the rest of us don’t have to live in this one.”
Black grit his teeth in frustration. “But you knew it was wrong. You knew it would hurt innocent people.”
“Yeah, I did. Because you know what else would have hurt innocent people? If I’d had to close our medical equipment branch and suddenly a million people couldn’t get supplies for their insulin pumps. If I’d had to shut down our hotel branch and put ten thousand people out of work. You don’t fucking know anything about how hard that decision was so you can get fucked.
“For the past year, I’ve worked my ass off to rebuild this company, and Tawi helped me every step of the way. He taught me more about business than I’d ever learned in school, and a hell of a lot more than my dad did. As soon as I had my feet under myself, I figured, if you wanted to take him down, that made no difference to me. I could use what he taught me to keep going.”
“You – ” Black tried to cut in.
Todd kept going, the words still flooding out of him. “And then when you found out, you immediately decided to ruin everything I had spent a year working to build. You didn’t even fucking ask to talk to me about it or give me a chance to explain. So yeah, I sent my guys after you. I told them to rough you up and give you a good scare, but you fought back so hard that they ended up afraid you’d actually kill them, so they put you in a coma.” Todd pauses, then grudgingly admits, “Which I probably should have seen coming.”
“You think?” Black snapped.
“So yeah, I was pissed about Eugene, and yeah, I was jealous of your new friends. And yeah, maybe I did it a bit to spite you, because you were a shitty friend. Five fucking years, I’ve been in love with you, but because I couldn’t do one thing for you, you threw me out like garbage. You never cared about me anymore than you cared about Eugene. You used me the same way you did her. It didn’t matter to you that I wasn’t ready to come out, or that my family’s approval was important to me. All you ever cared about was what you wanted.
“But mostly I did it because I was backed into a corner and I didn’t have any other choice. And I don’t give a shit if you understand that or not. I don’t give a fuck what you think about it anymore. Come after me again or don’t. It doesn’t make any difference to me now.”
Black sat there for a long moment, throat aching. He didn’t know what he could say, if there was anything at all. He couldn’t understand Todd’s decision, and he couldn’t justify it, either. But Todd wasn’t entirely wrong. Black was well aware that he was bad at friendships, and worse at romantic relationships. He hadn’t meant to hurt Todd, but he had, because Todd’s refusal to come out of the closet had felt like a rejection.
When Black didn’t reply, Todd said, “I bent over backwards for you for years. I did everything you ever asked me to do except that one thing. You could come over any time, even if I wasn’t there. I paid bail for you out of my own pocket. I stuck with you when you cut ties with your mother. When you started talking about fighting against the system, I told you I thought it wouldn’t work and I was worried about you, but I never stopped you or got in your way. So do one thing for me, Black, after all those years. One thing.”
“What?” Black asked.
“Don’t ever appear in front of me again,” Todd said. “I’ve wasted five years of my life on you. Maybe if I never see you again, I’ll be able to get over you.”
Black said nothing.
“Now get lost, prick.”
After a moment, Black stood. There was a lot he wanted to say, but he knew none of it mattered. An apology would probably only make things worse. He turned and left the room.
Once he was out of the hospital, he took out his phone and texted Gumpa, because he didn’t trust himself to talk. ‘What do you do when you’ve broken something so badly that it can’t be fixed?’
Gumpa’s response came immediately, and it didn’t really surprise Black. ‘Try again. Try harder. Do better.’
Black tucked his phone into his pocket and headed out.
~ ~ ~ ~
“What up, asshole,” Sean greeted Black as he came into the garage.
“Not much,” Black said, walking past him. “What’s up with you, dickhead?”
“Same old, same old,” Sean said, and Black went to find Gumpa. They had work to do.
~ ~ ~ ~