Chapter Text
Fenris glared at the ceiling. He was wrapped in thick blankets that barely spared him from the cold. The night sky kept everything cast in shadow. The elf huffed, reaching for a half-empty wine bottle. He almost brought it to his lips before pausing. With a snarl, he tossed the bottle, shattering it against the wall. He threw himself onto his side and squeezed his eyes shut.
As soon as he began to drift off, his mind started to play tricks on him. Phantom caresses and kisses against his skin. He swore he could hear sweet nothings whispered in deep, smooth voices. He could picture tender gazes from a pair of soft eyes. Fenris knew they were only dreams. He was not unfamiliar with the random sex dream now and then, either. This was different-more intimate- than anything he had experienced. He was usually liked rough, fast, and fleeting. But agonizingly, these dreams spoke of soft touches and burning passions.
Fenris cursed loudly in Tevene as his ears twitched. He ran a hand over his exhausted eyes. This had been going on for weeks. He would be shocked from sleep by these wandering thoughts. At first, he had tried drinking himself to sleep. Which had only resulted in an extremely hangover and extremely pissy Fenris. As the elf tossed and turned, he vowed to speak to Isabela. She might know what to do. This was all her damn fault anyway.
**Two Months Earlier**
Fenris was sitting between Aveline and Varric at their weekly Wicked Grace night. Across from him, Merrill perched in her chair with a giddy grin. He carefully watched the elven mage. It was obvious to him that she and Isabela were completely smitten. Though the pirate is hesitant to admit it.
It was her wide eye gazes and red-tinted cheeks, that solidified Frenris’ resolve. He had thought long and hard about this. He knew for certain this was the right choice.
Tonight, he would end the friends-with-benefits relationship he had with Isabela. They had been sleeping together for well over a year. He could say he loved the woman, but only platonically. There could never be anything deeper. At least, not for him.
The thought had been on his mind all night, which had lost him a fair amount of coin to Varric. The warrior tried to wait patiently, but his irritation continued to grow. He could not even bring himself to tease Anders properly. Time seemed to have slowed to a trudging pace. The air was hot and stifling in the crowded room. Fenris slumped lower in his seat and avoided Hawke’s worried gaze.
Finally, things began to wind down. Frist, Sebastian bowed out after Hawke got too handsy with Anders. Next was Aveline and Merrill. The fiery guard patiently led the tipsy elf home. After another dozen heated gazes, which was grossly obvious, Hawke and Anders made their leave. Hawke's rowdy laughter could be heard through the din of the tavern for a few minutes longer.
Fenris followed Isabela as she made her way to her room. “Izy, can I speak with you,” he asked as she stopped in front of her door.
“For you, handsome, anything,” the woman purred. She pushed her door open and stepped aside. She waited for Fenris to walk in, following him closely. The elf sat at the small, round table in the middle of the room. The pirate pouted as she took her seat across from him. He could not blame her. This was the last place their “talks” usually ended.
“What is on your mind,” Isabela prompted.
“I think we need to end this,” the elf answered bluntly. He winced at his curt nature. But Isabela did not seem too upset. She honestly seemed shocked as she sat back in her chair.
“Why,” she asked, calmly. Fenris ran a hand through his hair as he thought.
“I can tell you and Merrill want to be with each other. Everyone can see how you dance around each other. I do not want to be in the way of you starting a relationship with her,” the warrior explained with a shrug.
“I thought you did not like Merrill,” Izy accused, face taking on a lovely blush. Fenris sighed and shook his head.
“I dislike her blood magic. I think she is dangerously naïve, and extremely powerful. I worry about what will happen to you should she fall prey to demons,” Fenris corrected. The rogue across from him waited for him to continue with a thoughtful wrinkle in her brow.
“But I can tell she makes you happy. I can tell she genuinely cares about you. You make her happy. And more importantly, she is the one you choose. For now, that will be enough,” he finished with a tender smile.
Isabela’s eyes got misty, and she placed her hands on the top of his. “Are you sure you are okay with this? I do not want to lose you as my friend, I run too low on those as is.”
“I am sure, Izy,” Fenris confirmed with a chuckle. “I understand what we had was only sex. And I can not blame you for wanting more… If I am to decide who I am as a free man, I must make hard choices. I have chosen to be someone who can put aside physical pleasures for his friends' happiness.”
The tanned woman gave him a light pat on his hands. “For what it is worth, I am proud of the person you have become. It is true... I want a relationship with Merrill. I am afraid, but I think I am ready for it,” Isabela paused uncertainly. Fenris rolled his eyes, waving a hand for her to continue. He knew that an invasive question was guaranteed.
“I am just concerned, you could say. We have talked about this before, Fen. I know that you are afraid like I was. I do not think you should avoid something because you could fail. I know there have been people you have pushed away because you started to feel something,” she challenged somewhat timidly. The elf instantly thought of Milo Hawke, but he pushed the thought away. Just like he had pushed Milo into the arms of their resident healer.
“I do not want to offer what I might not be able to give,” Fenris whispered. Isabela gave him a stern look, making him continue. “I was expected to be an unfeeling object, Izy. Any outward signs of emotions caused beatings. I do not know if I trust someone enough to love them. I… Danarius broke that part of me. I refuse to hurt anyone I care about with my sharp edges."
“Oh, Fen,” Isabela sighed. She looked away to glare down at the table. “I used to think the same thing. I thought my husband and his death tainted any love left in me. I was certain if I got too close, people would be poisoned by the bitterness inside me,” she confided in a small whisper.
“What changed,” Fenris asked with a tilt of the head.
“Merrill,” Isabela explained with a laugh. “She was so sweet and kind to me. And I decided to let her be tender with me. I decided to trust her. I wanted to know what it was like to hold her close. Then I realized I had started prioritizing her over everything else. I realized just how much it meant to see her smile.”
After a small moment of silence, Isabela looked him in the eye. There was a fiery certainty in those coffee brown eyes.“I do not think that you are broken. I think that asshole suppressed a part of you, but it is still there. It is easy to accept hate from people. The bigger challenge is to find someone you can trust to be loving. Maybe you should start by allowing people to be kind to you.”
Fenris gave her a disbelieving hum. “Maybe. I will try. But as it stands right now, trust is something I do not understand well.”
“Have faith. A ditzy Dalish blood mage was the one who taught me to trust again. There must be someone out there who will win you over, eventually,” Isabela comforted with a sly wink.