Chapter Text
"Jane Eyre! - Jane Eyre!" was all he said.
"My dear master," I answered, "I am Jane Eyre: I have found you out - I am come back to you."
The look of wonderment on his face as his lips quivered made my heart tremble and knock at my chest; my eyes threatened to release their tears and never stop, and thus I clutched my hands to his cheeks, rested my forehead against his own and attempted to calm ourselves.
My master seemed to be in a state of shock, so I promptly spoke, "Fairfax Rochester with nothing to say?"
"It is you, Jane, In truth? - In the flesh? My living Jane?"
I laughed against him, smiled against his skin, "Do you not hold me? Do you not feel my breath against you, sir? I am not cold like a corpse, nor vacant like air, am I?"
"My living darling! These are certainly her limbs, and these her features; but I cannot be so blessed, after all my misery. It is a dream; such dreams as I have had at night when I clasped her once more to my heart, as I do now; and kissed her, as thus -" His lips pressed against my cheek, my nose, my eyelid and my hair, "and felt that she loved me, and trusted that she will not leave me."
"Which I never will, sir, from this day."
"Never will, says the vision? But I always woke and found it an empty mockery; and I was desolate and abandoned - my life dark, lonely, hopeless - my soul athirst and forbidden to drink - my heart famished and never to be fed. Gentle, soft dream, nestling in my arms not, you will fly, too, as your sisters have all fled before you: but kiss me before you go - embrace me, Jane."
I did so - pressing my length against his own, reaching up on my toes so that I could match his height; I kissed him, in a manner not appropriate for those not married, and I did not separate our lips until it became a necessity to breathe. He swept me up, then, holding me close, and twirled me in his arms, almost knocking over all manner of items.
"It is you - is it, Jane? You are come back to me then?"
"I am."
"And you do not lie dead in some ditch, under some stream? And you are not a pining outcast amongst strangers?"
"No, sir. It is the power of the fae folk that keeps me alive still, and I am no outcast - I am an independent woman, with a fortune of five thousand pounds, for an uncle of mine in Madeira died and left me an heiress." I led him to sit back in his arm chair, and I in his lap. I had no care for propriety now.
"And if you are a rich woman, Janet, what might you be doing here, with this bedraggled shell of a man? Why do you sit in the lap of a ruined man when you could have any man in the county?"
"I am my own mistress, and I do not want any other man. I would not come here, come back to you, if I did not want your company." I smoothed his hair away from his forehead with my hand.
"You will stay with me?"
"Certainly - unless you object. I will be your neighbour, your nurse, your housekeeper. I find you lonely: I will be your companion - to read to you, to walk with you, to sit with you, to wait on you, to be eyes and hands to you. Cease to look so melancholy, my dear master; you shall not be left desolate, so long as I live."
He replied not: he seemed serious - abstracted; he sighed; he half-opened his lips as if to speak: he closed them again. I felt a little embarrassed. Perhaps I had too rashly overleaped conventionalities; and he, like St John, saw impropriety in my inconsiderateness. I had indeed made my proposal from the idea that he wished and would ask me to be his wife: an expectation, not the less certain became unexpressed, had buoyed me up, that he would claim me at once as his own. But no hint to that effect escaping him, and his countenance becoming more overcast, I suddenly remembered that I might have been all wrong, and was perhaps playing the fool unwittingly; and I began gently to withdraw myself from his arms - but he eagerly snatched me closer.
"No - no - Jane; you must not go. No - I have touched you, heard you, felt the comfort of your presence - the sweetness of your consolation: I cannot give up these joys. I have little left in myself - I must have you. The world may laugh - may call me absurd, selfish - but it does not signify. My very soul demands you: it will be satisfied, or it will take deadly vengeance on its frame."
"Well, sir," I stroked below his eye with my thumb, sweeping over scarred flesh, "I will stay with you: I have said so."
He sighed, and brought my hand to his lips; he kissed each finger, but shook his head, "Yes; but you understand one thing by staying with me; and I understand another."
"No," I stopped him, "That is not true, sir. I want to be your wife, now that you and I are free to choose. I would not have come back, had I not been able to have you."
"And you would be content to wait on me, as a kind little nurse - for you have an affectionate heart and a generous spirit, which prompt you to make sacrifices for those you pity - and that ought to suffice for me, no doubt. I suppose I should now entertain none but fatherly feelings for you: do you think so? Come, tell me."
"Do you choose not to listen to me, sir? I tell you I want to be your wife, and you would have me as your nurse?" I was dumbfounded.
"I say it because as my wife you would be a nurse to me. A carer, someone to wait upon me for I can do aught for myself. I hardly believe I would make a good husband, Jane. I would not be able to do my duty to you. Be free of me. You are young - you must marry a man worthy of you, not an old man twenty years older than you, unable to care for himself."
"I don't care about that. I would happily be your nurse, your wife, your lover, if it meant I could be with you. Close to you. I want to be your flesh, sir, to be a part of you. To relax the string so tightly knotted between us when we are apart. Would you truly drive me away when I have traipsed across the moors to be with you again? Tell me, do you not want me, Mr Rochester?"
"I have battled against my own desire for you since the very day you knocked me from my horse, witch-woman; I would have chased you to the ends of the earth if I had any notion you'd left before I discovered you had. Perhaps if I had realised earlier, I'd have stood a chance - regardless, Janet, I would do anything to have you as my wife, if I wasn't like this. I will not condemn you to a life of nursing an invalid."
"Why will you not allow me to love you, sir? Why will you not let me be with you? I told you once before - I am an independent being with a free will - this time, I will use it to be with you, because that is what I want, and I will not let you stop me. I could not care less about your features or your arm, for it is your soul that I love and I want - but they do not disgust me like you think they do. I am perfectly happy to be your nurse and your wife, to be the mother of your children, to be your lover for the rest of our lives."
A tear slid from his eye - I kissed it away, planting my hands on his cheek and my forehead against his.
"Oh, Janet - how can you bear me? How can you love this sore sight? I know I am rude, a hypocrite, even. Why do you want me?"
"You were always a sore sight to me, sir." I laughed, "But I love you, despite your flaws - I do not know why, but I know my soul yearns for you when we are apart, and my stomach burns with desire when we are near."
"And you will be my wife?"
"If you'll have me, I will."
"Oh, darling! Oh, my Jane! We will be married as soon as possible, I cannot wait to have you as mine." He kissed my face sporadically, for his lack of vision made him unaccustomed to my face for the time being.
"You forget, sir, that the banns must be read, and the house readied for domestic life. I have few belongings to unpack, and I must obtain more. I also must tidy you up - it is time someone undertook to rehumanise you," said I, parting his thick and long uncut locks; "For I see you are being metamorphosed into a lion, or something of that sort. You have a faux air of Nebuchadnezzar in the fields about you, that is certain: your hair reminds me of eagles' feathers; whether your nails are grown like birds' claws or not, I have not yet noticed."
"And will you undertake the role as wife-to-be, and fix my hideosity?"
"Of course - but let me leave you an instant to make a better fire, and have the hearth swept up. Can you tell when there is a good fire?"
"Yes; with the right eye I see a glow - a ruddy haze."
"And you see the candles?"
"Very dimly - each is a luminous cloud."
"Can you see me?"
"No, my fairy: but I am only too thankful to hear and feel you."
"When do you take supper?"
"I never take supper."
"But you shall have some to-night. I am hungry: so are you, I daresay, only you forget."
I summoned Mary, and we ate swiftly and with ease, talking during supper and a long time after. I told him nothing of where I had been, what I had done, for the night grew long and I should rather build the suspense, treating him just as he had to me with Miss Ingram. He smiled at my every sentence, his face glowed with a new remark now his eyes could not express his feelings. Joy dawned on his forehead: his lineaments softened and warmed.
After supper, I left my master to take what little I had to my room that Mary had prepared for me. It was directly next to Mr Rochester's, which he delighted in. Of course, though Ferndean had little furniture to begin with, Mary and John had done an excellent job at reforming the house, despite that their master could not see it and he had no visitors until today. I made mental notes to furnish and decorate it further once I became mistress of the house.
I sat myself on the edge of the bed, my small case open beside me. I had only one dress I had brought back with me from Moor House and a few keepsakes from Diana and Mary. I must write to them, I told myself. Tell them of my news, for they shall be delighted - St John, perhaps not. But that was of no matter to me.
I began to undress myself, removing my dress and petticoats, til I stood only in my corset and chemise. Before I could remove my corset, a knock came on the door.
"Janet," I heard my master say, "Are you there?"
I pressed my face against the door, "I am indecent, sir."
"You do recall, Jane, that I am without sight? - I only want to make sure you are still there, my fairy, and you have not flown away with the fae folk."
I contemplated it for a moment - but shamefully, I gave in, and opened the door. He hurried in, so as to not be seen by John or Mary, but neither of us truly cared.
"This is very improper, you know." I said, resuming my previous position on my bed, "You never saw me in such a condition during our first engagement."
"Well, I cannot see you now, so it does not make much difference, does it?" He reached a hand out and grasped my knee with his good hand, then lowered himself to the floor so he knelt like a supplicant before me. "Are you happy, Jane?"
"Inexplicably so, sir."
"Call me by my Christian name, Janet, not sir. It does not feel as though we are to be married if you treat me like your employer." He knelt his head to my lap.
"If I call you Edward, I fear we may get into an even more scandalous predicament than we are in now."
He looked up in bemusement, then smiled, "And why, pray tell, do you feel that may happen, Janet?"
"If I do not set a formal distance between us, sir, I believe I may succumb to that very feeling I have now, in the pit of my stomach, and let you do unspeakable things to me that should only be done in the bounds of marriage, under the eyes of God." I murmured, watching the way his face contorted with my words, the desire evident on his lips.
"I think you shall find that God's place lies in the church, not the marital bed - but oh, Janet! What your teasing does to me. If I could have you now, I would - but I will not take what you do not willingly give."
"If we were married right now, I would offer you my entire being, sir. For ever, for eternity."
"You talk of a feeling, Jane, low in your stomach. What is it? Describe it to me, in full."
"It is warm whenever you are near me. It grows hot if you touch me, or kiss me, and feels the way it feels when my heart skips. It makes me gasp, when it becomes too ardent, too powerful to bear, like when your fingertips brush my neck or my waist."
He gave a low, guttural sigh, his breath shuddering. His hand drifted, over my thigh, my waist, skimped past the side of my breast even through my corset - which made me gasp - and cupped my neck, stroking the underside of my jaw, "Like this?" He murmured.
"Yes-" I breathed, "Like that, Edward."
I was unsure of where this was going; but I knew I liked the way he was making me feel, and if he would protect my modesty and respect my wishes, I did not mind a little touching, kissing.
He strained his legs and stood, his hand still on my neck. He leant down, and pressed a slow, wet kiss to the other side of it, making me flutter my eyes closed and pull him closer. We fell back onto my bed, together, and I carefully made sure my case did not fall and draw attention to us.
Mr Rochester continued his ministrations, kissing and trailing his breath over my neck, making me squirm in delight and the burning in my belly only grow. I was laid under him, while he knelt with his knees either side of my thighs, and I could feel something press against me when he leant in, though I did not question what it was.
He kissed my jaw, and when he could find them, my lips, to which I happily reciprocated. My arms encircled his shoulders and my hand explored his hair. We kissed, slowly, lazily, for a while, until we had to draw back to breathe. His face was above mine and, for just a moment, I could feel him see me, see me through his imagination and the past images he had of me in his mind.
"I must stop," He murmured, "Or I shall ruin you, my darling."
He drew away, and I let out a slight whimper of resistance as I sat up with him, but I snapped my legs shut when I realised how lax they had become, and the burgeoning wetness that was pooling between them.
"Goodnight, my fairy, my precious Jane. Do you promise me that you will be here when I wake up? You will not fly away?"
"I promise you, Edward."
He gave a small nod, then grazed his fingers over his beard, "I love you."
I smiled - never were his words so simple. "I love you too. Now- go on, be quick, lest Mary catch you leaving my chamber all dishevelled - it may give her a heart attack."
He chuckled, and left, and I heard the door to his own chamber open and close not seconds later. I sighed, and flopped backwards onto the bed, my hand tracing the memory of his own over my neck.
At length, I removed my corset and the pins in my hair, then brushed my tresses until they were smooth. I settled in to bed not long after, and dreamed of my future husband's touch, and his love.
I arose the next morning to Mary telling me the master should like to see me presently. I was not a bit surprised - I knew he intended to spend every waking moment together, which I did not oppose. I nodded, and gave her a message for him that I would be down shortly, but I must make myself presentable first.
I hurried to dress myself in my only spare gown, and quickly tidied my hair. My face still remained as pale and sharp as ever, but I could tell there was a new joy in my face, a brightness in my cheeks and a glint in my eyes.
I rushed downstairs to meet Edward for breakfast, joining him in the dining room where he sat at the head of the table.
"Is that you, Jane?"
"Yes, sir." I responded, taking my seat beside him. Once Mary brought our food, we spoke for a while, and I told him of my sojourn across the moors. I did not give every in depth detail - for I expected he would not react well to my three days of starvation and exhaustion, so I omitted that. I told him of St John, Mary and Diana, though his face quite dropped when he discovered I had lived with a man.
"What does this fellow look like? Tell me he is ghastly, or I shall not bear it."
"St John dresses well. He is a handsome man: tall, fair, with blue eyes, and a Grecian profile."
"Damn him!" He exclaimed, "Did you like him, Jane?"
"Yes, Mr Rochester, I liked him: but you asked me that before." I perceived, of course, the drift of my interlocutor. Jealousy had got hold of him: she stung him; but the sting was salutary: it gave him respite from the gnawing fang of melancholy. I would not, therefore, immediately charm the snake.
"The picture you have just drawn is suggestive of a rather too overwhelming contrast. Your words have delineated very prettily a graceful Apollo: he is present to your imagination - tall, fair, blue-eyed, and with a Grecian profile. Your eyes dwell on a Vulcan - a real blacksmith, brown, broad-shouldered; and blind and lame into the bargain."
"I never thought of it before, but you certainly are rather like Vulcan, sir."
"And you, my angel, will tame me, will you not? We have finished our feast - do you see it fit a time to groom me?"
I agreed, and rose, calling for Mary to clear away the plates. I took my master's arm, and brought him outside, where I decided it best to trim his beard and hair so the mess would not be excessive. The sun was high, the air warm. I had John bring out a chair for Edward to sit on and the appropriate tools I would need.
Of course, dear reader, I was not trained in the art of hair-cutting. I imagined it would not be hard, though, and with Edward's instruction I would manage.
I began with his hair - that was an easy job. I cut it to its normal length and styled it properly, reforming it to those dark curls I loved so dearly. His beard, however, proved a difficult task. First, I trimmed it short enough that I could see his skin through it, but then Edward informed me I would have to lather it in cream and cut it with a razor. I was apprehensive - I had no desire to cut him, and it was hard to get close enough.
"Here- I will hold your hand and guide your movements, but you must come closer. Sit in my lap; wrap your legs around mine."
I blushed, thinking back to last night's predicament when we were as close - but I supposed there was mountains of skirts and layers between us, so there wasn't really an issue.
"Alright," I replied, "But do not tease me, or I shall end up cutting your cheek."
I applied the cream around Edward's cheeks and moustache, but I left his sideburns. Then, Edward grasped my hand and guided my movement until he gently felt the razor against his skin. He instructed me to pull it down, which I did, and thus his hair was removed. We continued like this until all that remained was that moustache. Edward pulled his lips into his mouth to allow me more access, but I could not prevent myself from laughing at his expression.
"Damned woman! I should have known not to associate myself with the fairies; you do not take me seriously, mortal human as I am."
"No, no," I laughed, "I am a mortal human myself, sir. I laugh like any human would; my cheeks blush pink and my eyes swell with tears at my amusement. That is not a capability of the fairies."
"If you do not rid me of this awful moustache, Janet, I shall kiss you and wipe the cream all over your face."
I observed his threat and quickly resumed my job. I battled through the ache of laughter in my chest while shaving his moustache, then smoothed his face over with his handkerchief to rid him of any excess hairs or cream. It was good to see him returned to his usual self, the only disfigurement now his cloudy eyes and scarred forehead.
"Well, does my appearance please Jane, as hers pleases me?"
"Quite, sir."
"At last! We finally may undertake the mission I have wanted all morning. To the village, Jane - to the church, to organise plans for our wedding."
Edward grumbled upon hearing it would be three weeks until we properly married, for the banns must be read, but I calmed him. After our meeting with the vicar, I wanted to walk through the village and surrounding fields, so we did. We stopped on the side of a hill, where Ferndean was visible and you could hear the far away crashing of the seas.
We sat, and I smoothed my skirts and allowed Edward to lay his head in my lap. I ran my fingers through his hair while he talked away of grand plans for the life ahead of us.
"Do you know, Jane, I have your little pearl necklace at this moment fastened round my bronze scrag under my cravat? I have worn it since the day I lost my only treasure, as a memento of her." He yanked at his cravat and showed me such, cradling the pearls between his fingers.
"And do you plan to keep it, even though your only treasure has quite returned?"
"Ah! I would clasp it round your neck this second if I could; I trust you will do it yourself." I unfastened it from his own and clasped it to mine. "It is a shame I cannot see, for I would quite like to have a miniature of you, to travel everywhere with me in my breast pocket, so I may look upon it if ever you are not there."
"Your sight will return, I am sure of it. Perhaps we will travel to London, have you looked at."
"I do not want to be inspected, Jane, like an invalid. Or potentially lose my sight undergoing a sham operation which will inevitably cost me a fortune. It will return if God intends it."
"And He does intend it, dear." I cradled his face, "Like He intended me to return to you."
"We shall take a trip, I think, darling. We must get you some gowns, some jewels - and I shall send for the family ones again, for our marriage."
"Like you are not to be inspected, sir, I am not to be bejewelled. It does not suit me, I am sure. I am too plain."
"Plain! But you are the apple of my eye, Jane Eyre, and never plain. Indulge me, please, Janet. It is all I ask."
“Alright, alright.” I quietened him, smoothing his head of hair.
"What color do you think suits you best, Jane? A blue as bright as the ocean, a royal purple?"
"I have never owned gowns of such calibre. I do not know."
"Shall we employ you a maid? Implore Mrs Fairfax to return, and assist you as mistress of Ferndean?"
"I have no need of a maid, sir."
"Dearest Janet, if you are to be my nurse as well as my wife, you must have someone to take the rest of your burdens off you. We will need more help than that which John and Mary can give, for they could hardly manage with me alone. Imagine it, when our home is bustling with children!"
I blushed at the thought of our own children - I had never much wanted them before, but I believe that to be because I thought I had no prospects of marriage. "And may we have Adèle return to us? Oh please, Edward! I miss the poor child, and I do not like the idea of her banished away at some school too far away from her. You can employ another governess for her, if I will not have time - as long as you do not fall in love with whomever you chose."
"No woman could take my sight off of you, Jane, as it were. You haunt my imagination; my dreams - I see no other person but you. But yes, my fairy, Adèle can return. Once the house is ready, of course."
I exclaimed in delight, leaned down and pressed kisses to his face. "Now I am as impatient as you to be married."
He smiled, and sat up, "Are you, Janet? You do not look on to your future with apprehension?"
"And why would I, sir? Why would I be afraid of all I could want?"
"You are about to spend your life with an invalid, Jane. You will have to be my carer, dress me, guide me - you could be marrying that St John fellow - at least he has the gift of sight."
"I have no use for St John, Edward. He may not lack sight, but he does lack every quality you have, sir. You cannot be rid of me now." I sighed, "There is no point in trying to convince me otherwise now, it is futile."
"You will not run away, then?"
"I will not, though you keep suggesting I should with the way you're talking." I pressed a chaste kiss to his forehead, "Now, we must hurry back. The sky is growing grey."
He stood, and took my hand, and I led us the short distance back to Ferndean. When we arrived, it was almost time for our dinner, so I told Mary to bring it straight to the library, where Edward and I preferred to sojourn in the evenings. We ate, then I read to him, but before long it was time for me to bid him goodnight.
"And do you promise me, my fairy, I shall see you in the morning?"
"I have no desire to flee again, Edward, I promise. Nothing can separate us now." I reassured him with a kiss, which he drew out, making it long and slow, reminiscent of the moment we spent together the previous night.