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“What do you think?” Wade purred.
Tony was frozen in the doorway, mouth agape.
Wade was in his apartment. In his bedroom. On his bed. In lacy panties. And not much else.
“I-”
“Because,” Wade continued, oblivious, “we’ve been like, dating for months now, and yeah, I mean, like we’ve made out and stuff, but we’ve never really gotten down to the good stuff, you know, and I figured, hey let’s jumpstart this bitch, because neither of us are getting any younger and I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely getting har-”
“Deadpool,” Tony snapped.
Wade shut up, his mouth snapping closed almost comically.
There was a silence as Tony examined him.
They had been dating for a while now. Wade was… memorable. When everyone else seemed to melt away, Deadpool had always remained.
And yes, Tony had hated Wade at first. Screwing up his plans (with dancing nonetheless), turning up at inappropriate moments. The whole ordeal still annoyed the crap out of him. But slowly, incredibly slowly, he had begun to tolerate, and then even enjoy Wade’s presence.
Their first date had been a raid on an AIM facility. Their second a Russian mob.
Deadpool knew how to keep things interesting.
They’d had normal dates too, movies where neither one had paid attention to it, dinner at fancy restaurants. The classics.
But now… this.
There had been a hope in his mind, a small one, that maybe if he dated Wade long enough, he’d begin to feel something more. Have proper, sexual thoughts about the man he was in a relationship with.
This had killed that hope.
Not that he didn’t like being asexual. It was an advantage, out in the field. It was almost surprising how many people tried using seduction to win him over. And of course, the lack of one night stands was always on the plus side.
But, the thing was, Wade wasn’t ace. He was a hot-blooded pansexual and he had Tony in his sights.
Tony was sure that, when Wade caught on, it wasn’t going to end well. And as much as Tony hated to admit it, he was really attached to Wade.
So he used a tactic he had learnt from watching superheroes like Daredevil and Spider-Man.
Tony had been dodging the issue.
Each day it seemed to be getting more and more difficult. Wade was persistent. And horny. Incredibly horny. Luckily, he was also easy to distract. This was the first time he’d ever forced the topic.
Task at Hand: Tell Wade.
“Stand up.” Treat it professional, this was a job like no other. Unfortunately, the film industry had yet to pick up on asexual storylines, so there was no script he could parrot, no actions he could mimic to make this go over smoothly.
Wade did as he was bid, eyes dancing. Fuck, he probably thought this was a kink thing.
There was a pause. “I’m asexual.”
Wade’s eyes went round. “Oh. Oh. So that’s why we haven’t been doing the naughties.”
Tony nodded, prepared for an onslaught. Maybe some yelling, some persuasion, some ‘are you sure?’. Then again he might just walk out. Or…
“Well, okay then, mind if I use your shower, cos these panties are really doing something for me.” Wade skipped past Tony without waiting for an answer.
Tony stood in the middle of his bedroom. “What?”
Dimly, he heard the shower begin to run.
“What?” he hissed and sharply turned, following Deadpool into the bathroom.
He strode up to the shower door and knocked on the glass.
Wade opened it a little bit. “Oh, hey Tasky. What’s up?”
“What?” Tony repeated again.
“Well,” he gestured to himself. “I figured you prefer I do it here than in your bed.”
“What’s going on?”
“When a man loves another man very much, but can’t show it in the way he’d like-” Deadpool began in a falsetto voice.
“I know what masturbation is.”
“Oh good,” Wade replied. He scratched his stomach. “So…?”
“What do you mean ‘so’?”
Wade shrugged. “Well I mean, did you want to watch? I figured it’d be a bit boring for you, but I can’t think of another reason you’d be standing there…you know, watching me.”
“I don’t want to…” He took a deep breath. “I expected…”
“Did you want to talk more about you being asexual?” Wade asked with a frown. “I mean it seemed pretty straightforward to me, but then again, I hear some asexuals don’t mind having sex or you know, arrange alternate,” he waved his hands. “Stuff. I’m fine with stuff.”
Tony’s eyes flashed and he reached out to grab at Wade’s neck and pull him to eye level. “What are you doing?”
“I’m trying to get off in my boyfriend’s shower,” Wade informed him, casually ignoring the look Tony was giving him. “I’d probably be done already if a certain boyfriend wasn’t killing the mood.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
Wade blinked twice. “Tasky, I’m aroused and confused, and although that is my natural state, you’re going to have to help me here a bit.”
“You’re supposed to be angry.”
“Would you like me to be?” Wade said uncertainly. He raised his hands and curved them into mock claws. “Arghh, how dare you be biologically unattracted to me, raghhh.”
Tony let go of his neck and Wade straightened up.
Tony rubbed at his head. “So what, you’re just…fine with this?” A new hope was blooming.
Wade shrugged. “Well, me and my right hand have been acquainted with a while, and besides, who else is going to play air hockey with me? Also, you make fantastic food and you know what they say about men’s hearts and food, I was yours the moment you cooked me that first meal. And we’ve been dating for months now and I was fine with the no sex then, why would I be upset about it now, like besides, you’d probably be really bad at it anyway and all my little fantasies would be ruined and that’s never any fun and-”
“Wade.”
“Hmm?”
“Shut up.”
Wade nodded and pulled back into the shower, running his head under the water.
Tony stood there for a moment, rearranging things in his head.
“Would you like to join me?” Wade offered suddenly. Then his hands shot up. “No hanky panky, I swear. Just, you know, you’ve seen me naked, and I will need as much material as I can get if we’re doing the platonic thing. I won’t even touch myself.”
Tony frowned at him, and began shrugging off his clothes. Wade watched with interested eyes.
“Oh baby,” he whispered as Tony stepped in the shower with him. “Is it okay if I touch you?”
Tony stepped forward, body pressing lightly against his, and kissed him. “I’m fine with kissing.”
Wade grinned. “See, this is working out already.”
Tony couldn’t help smiling back.
Deadpool was definitely going to be the death of him.