Work Text:
It’s a slow morning at the firehouse (not that he’d say it out loud). Days like this make Buck’s skin crawl sometimes. His therapist would say it’s because he has a need to prove himself but Buck chalks it up to just wanting to do his job. Eddie’s playing pool with Chim, Bobby’s catching up on his paperwork, and Hen’s -
Standing over him and handing him a book?
Buck scrunches his face up as he looks at the woman. She has one hand on her hip and the other holding the paperback out to him. Her eyebrows are raised as if she’s asking him to argue with her. Buck clears his throat, slowly reaching out for the thin book, “uh, what’s this?”
Hen gives him a look, one that Buck had learned long ago to ignore at all costs.
“This is to help you get your head out of your ass,” she states. She adds as an afterthought, “I say lovingly.”
Buck’s own eyebrows raise as Hen turns on her heel and walks back over to the table to bury her nose in medical books. He looks between Hen and the bound paper in his hand. What was that about?
Buck relaxes back into the couch, turning his head downward to focus on the book so kindly given to him. It was slightly longer and wider than his palm. It looked homemade, the binding being three simple strings of twine tied into a bow. The cover was simple…in fact it looked like it had just recently been printed out all on regular paper. In a curly font read: For Buck which took up most of the middle of the page.
Well…things like this were never good.
Was this going to be a look at his greatest hits? Or could it be something as simple as a book of recipes? (He shouldn’t get his hopes up. Especially since Hen said it was to get his head out of his ass. )
Buck was kind of afraid to open the cover page.
One look at Hen had him quickly turning around in his seat and looking back at the booklet. His finger played with the first page. It couldn’t be anything too bad, right? Buck licked his lips and took a deep breath. It was probably just a gag gift.
He carefully opened the page and landed on the bolded title of the page:
Karen’s Guide to Dating and Marrying a Firefighter with a Kid
He was wrong. He was severely wrong!
Okay, Buck, Chimney and I talked and we decided you needed a little help. It’s been two years and you still haven’t gotten your shit together, so it’s time for me to step in. You know I love you, Buck…but how long is it going to take you to admit your feelings for a certain firefighter?
(That firefighter is Eddie , if I’m not being clear enough.)
Buck choked on his saliva, slamming the cover page over the introduction. Buck coughed harshly, one hand gripping the little booklet and the other gripping his knee tightly. What the actual fuck?!
A hand came to rest on Buck’s shoulder and without looking, he knew it was Eddie. Of course it was Eddie.
“You okay,” Eddie asked, eyebrows pinched together in concern.
Buck nodded, waving him off as he caught his breath. He managed to rasp out, “I’m good. Saliva went down the wrong way.”
Eddie didn’t look entirely convinced, but let him be. He returned to his game of pool, but continuously looked over to Buck to check on him. Hen, on the other hand, was muffling her laughter as she messed with her phone…
That she probably just recorded him with…
That she’ll show Karen.
Fuck.
One thing was clear, he would not be opening the booklet again.
(Okay, so he would open it again, but not when he was around other people. )
The shift seemed to drag on forever before Buck was able to clock out and go home. He had been practically vibrating out of his skin by the time he got back to the loft.
Anxiety coursed through his body as he stared at the booklet lying on his coffee table. What was the meaning of the book? Why had Karen decided to write it? Why had Hen decided to deliver it?
Buck chewed on his lower lip, getting up and pacing the length of his couch. Why would Karen write ‘Karen’s Guide to Dating and Marrying a Firefighter with a Kid’ and then specify it was for him? He couldn’t have been that obvious and it’s not like he told her that he has feelings for Eddie Diaz. Because he has been good at keeping that to himself and he’s pretty sure he would have remembered telling her even if he was wine drunk!
Buck returned to his spot on the couch, hunching over so his elbows rested on his knees. He’s curious…more than anything, he’s curious…and he knows his curiosity always wins. So, he picks up the booklet and he opens it up again.
Karen’s Guide to Dating and Marrying a Firefighter with a Kid
Okay, Buck, Chimney and I talked and we decided you needed a little help. It’s been two years and you still haven’t gotten your shit together, so it’s time for me to step in. You know I love you, Buck…but how long is it going to take you to admit your feelings for a certain firefighter?
(That firefighter is Eddie , if I’m not being clear enough.)
Buck, you run into burning buildings and perform dangerous stunts for a living! Certainly admitting your feelings to a dark haired, golden beauty like Eddie shouldn’t be as anxiety evoking as that! (I’m allowed to say that…Hen said she told you and Chim that Eddie was an attractive man and she likes women…so give me a break).
Oh, and wouldn’t Karen like to know? Admitting those feelings to himself is no problem but telling Eddie? Absolutely not!
Maybe I’m starting this all wrong…let me start over.
Evan Buckley, my favorite wine buddy, we need to get your priorities straight - and by straight, I mean we need to let your gigantic, caring, bisexual heart out of its cage. (Yes, Hen has given me plenty of evidence to make my case.) Chimney let it spill (with copious amounts of tequila) that he was going quite out of his mind that you and Eddie couldn’t get your heads out of your asses even when he attempted to speed up the process himself…so I’m here to hopefully shove you in the right direction.
So, I hope you’ll take this gift seriously. Maybe you don’t believe me right now - and that’s okay - but I hope you’ll at least read this all the way through and make your decision then. So go ahead, sit back and relax and let me lay it all out for you.
And he knows she will. Karen is nothing if not methodical. Buck usually loves that about her…now? Not so much. Because it’s sounding like she’s saying he has a chance with Eddie but Buck knows that it’s not true. Because Eddie is very much straight…and if Karen gets his hopes up, Buck’s heart is going to be the one that suffers the price.
I. Realizing your feelings
When I met you, I didn’t know what to make of you at first.
A lot of people say that, actually.
Don’t take that the wrong way! Upon our first meeting, Hen had filled me in on working with Probie Buck and I honestly couldn’t wait to meet you. Between the laughter and the bemoaning, I felt like I just had to finally meet you. I can tell you I wasn’t expecting to meet a 6’2’’ cocky blonde and that I didn’t expect you to hit on me , but that made the getting to know you period more fun.
Buck winces at the memory. It’s embarrassing, now that he thinks about it. It wasn’t that he couldn’t read the room back then, it was more that he wasn’t willing to turn his gaydar, as Hen calls it, on. And that caused him plenty of problems.
Buck shook his head - he didn’t want to relive that.
What is my point here, you may ask yourself…my point is that first impressions aren’t always the correct impression of someone. Take our first meeting for example. After meeting you, I didn’t know how you’d made it a month into working at the station (and I mean that in the nicest way possible) but after getting to know you more…you’re like the little brother I never knew I wanted.
That’s fair…he didn’t know how he’d made it that long either…he truly was riding the line Bobby drew in the sand the entirety of his probationary period.
(Begrudgingly, Karen is like another older sister…it means he can’t get shit by her. That is unfair.)
If I hadn’t taken the time to get to know you, I wouldn’t have ever gotten to know just how big your heart is.
This brings me to my first point, realizing your feelings. Buck, you love so loudly and generously. Every day Hen goes to work, I know she’s not only leaving knowing she’s loved, but that she’s going somewhere where I know she’ll continue to be loved. Being loved by you is genuinely a blessing. Knowing that you trust us enough to show that side? Knowing you trust us enough to love us fully? My heart skips a beat just thinking about it.
Hen and I, while we adore your never ending love, think it could be better suited for a certain dark eyed fireman you seem to spend 90% of your time with. The thing is, it’s like you don’t even realize how loudly you love sometimes. It’s like you can’t hold it back…and you shouldn’t. I’m going to give you a list. It consists of instances in which you love so loudly, anyone could see who you care about…try and see if anything stands out.
He’s not that obvious - he can’t be. Yes, he loves loudly. Yes, he wants to shower those he cares about with all of the love he has pooled in his body…but he’s careful. He loves Eddie and he loves Christopher, he just doesn’t love them so loudly that they’ll figure out it’s more than platonic.
So they can’t know. Neither can Karen or Hen, right?
a. When I first met you, our conversation got cut off because of the alarm in the station going off. That was the first time I saw your face light up like no other. The pure excitement and joy you exuded was astounding…it was then I knew that, even if you were a cocky asshole, you were someone anyone in an emergency would be lucky to have working to get them to safety.
He wouldn’t go that far. Hen, Chim, and Bobby have more experience than him - especially since at the time he was a probie. But the sentiment is nice.
b. The first time Hen confided in you about something personal, you got this soft look on your face. A shy smile lit up your face and you blushed and stuttered through some pretty decent advice…and you told her everything would end up okay because Hen was amazing and anyone would be lucky to have her in their corner.
Because Hen is amazing and anyone would be lucky to have her in their corner…he was thankful every day that she seemed to be in his. It’s no secret that Buck loves getting the chance to help the people he considers family. Whether it’s babysitting, advice, taking extra shifts…if he could help, he would.
c. The endless research you do on subjects that people mention off hand that they’re struggling with. You care enough to research it and then come up with solutions on how to help that person.
Again, he’d do anything for his family.
d. After your measuring contest with Eddie those first few shifts, you drove out of your way to help Eddie pick up his son from school after the 7.1 earthquake. Hen said you all were beat after the shift, which I can only imagine…but you still drove Eddie to retrieve his son.
In Buck’s defense…he wanted to meet Eddie’s son from the moment Eddie showed him a picture of the seven year old.
e. You and Hen told Bobby to reach out for help if he needed it. You saw someone struggling and you’re willing to be ‘on call’ for them if they ever needed it. Later that week, you told Hen and Chim that if they ever needed help to reach out if they needed…but when they gave the same sentiment it was like you couldn’t accept it for yourself or you didn’t understand that caring for someone can go both ways.
He doesn’t need more therapy.
f. Your sister came back into your life after years of no contact and you never once turned her away. You went on with your business and acted as if no time had passed.
Buck was just happy to see his sister.
g. Teaching Maddie self defense to calm her nerves and fears of Doug possibly coming back into her life. This one, I’ll admit, was probably also for your sanity.
Got it in one, Karen.
h. Introducing Eddie to Carla, giving him the one thing he needed to help with Christopher instead of having to rely on his family to take care of Chris while he was at work or unavailable. Hen says you beamed for a week straight after that.
Buck can’t really describe it. Once he and Eddie promised to have each other’s backs, it’s like a fundamental shift happened in their relationship. Suddenly it wasn’t Buck and probie , it was Buck and Eddie. And soon after that it became BuckandEddie. So getting Carla for Eddie? That was a no brainer.
i. Being so thoroughly wrought with emotions that you break laws to unlock Chim’s phone after he was attacked by Doug in order to try and find your sister (and running off without any protection to find her in Big Bear, like an idiot.)
In Buck’s defense…that’s his sister. He doubts anyone put in his position would have done anything differently.
j. Researching and building Christopher a skateboard so he wouldn’t feel left out of the fun activities his other classmates did. Not only did you take it upon yourself to fix Eddie’s depressed mood (if I remember correctly he said that he had to tell Chris that he wasn’t like other kids and that Chris had asked why he’d lied…I might be getting that wrong, but you get the idea), but you also gave Chris another way to be independent from his CP.
He’d do just about anything for the Diazes. The pulled muscle he had from the afternoon pushing Chris around in it was totally fucking worth it. The joy on Christopher’s face? The smile Eddie had directed at him when Buck had brought the idea up…he wouldn’t have given that up for the world.
k. Researching and helping Christopher build a scaled model of the entire solar system including miniature asteroids and the blackhole at the center of our universe and realistic looking planets. You also gave him the materials to describe it all. Hen said that Eddie told her that you and Christopher spent weeks on it at the beginning of the school year so that it would be ready for the midterm in December.
Look, there is never a wrong time to start on a project for school - especially such a fun one! When Christopher told him that his science teacher wanted them to build miniature dioramas, he’d jumped at the chance to spend more time with his favorite Diaz.
And the more specific they were, the easier it would be for Christopher to get the highest grade and the ribbon he talked about! It was a win win!
(And maybe Buck wished his own father had been as interested in his projects during school like Maddie had been…) (And maybe he knew Eddie wouldn’t mind and was happy to glue everything the way Buck and Christopher told him to.) (And maybe Buck’s subconscious thought of it as two dads helping their kid, but no one but Buck had to know that.)
l. Protecting Christopher, rescuing countless civilians, and refusing to give up searching for Christopher after you’d been separated during the tsunami. You search all day for Chris, ignoring your cuts and bruises and aches. You helped out others when anyone would have understood if you refused. You searched through tents and triage areas and deceased tents before you had to face Eddie and tell him what happened. You tried to apologize…you watched Christopher return and you finally let yourself collapse and rest. Not many people would have gone to the lengths you did that day, Buck…you’re something special.
I lost him.
That’s the only thought that goes through Buck’s head…there are still nights that Buck wakes up with Christopher’s name on his lips.
m. You take Christopher to the zoo all the time. Chris never stops talking about it when he and Denny hang out. According to Hen, Eddie doesn’t seem to be able to shut up about it either. 😏
Eddie did say to take Christopher more inland after the tsunami. Maybe Buck overcorrected…but every time he and Chris went to the zoo, it was like he was experiencing it for the first time all over again.
n. Opening up your home to Chim, Hen, and Eddie during the pandemic. It was a hard time for everyone…I’m glad Hen had you to lean on during it.
It was the least he could do…it wasn’t like he had anyone waiting at home for him before the pandemic. Plus, he had all that space…he might as well have opened his home up to his crew.
(And he even got to sleep with Eddie in the same bed after the air mattress popped. So he’s calling that a win.)
o. Trying to dig Eddie out from forty feet of wet earth with just your bare hands. Watching it on the news was heartbreaking…even more so when Hen came home and told me how she could still hear your screams for Eddie. Hen also mentioned your look of relief when Eddie stepped out of the crowd…she called it utter amazement - she was surprised when you two stayed just friends after that.
He hated to think about that…because he’d come so close to losing Eddie - and he wouldn’t have even had Christopher after that…Eddie’s parents probably would have gotten custody and Chris would have been taken back to Texas and Buck would have been left here trying to pick up all of his broken pieces.
p. You crawled under a firetruck to drag Eddie to safety. You lifted him into a firetruck by yourself and held pressure to his wound. You saved him…and you took care of Christopher without even having to think about it. You stayed in the Diaz home (that you’re not a guest in, according to what Maddie and Hen tell me…which I will circle back to later) and minimized interruptions to Christopher’s schedule…and you did it all without complaint.
And he would do it again and again if it meant that Eddie lived.
q. You baby proofed Chim’s and Maddie’s apartment without a second thought.
That was his niece or nephew. What else did they expect?
r. You and Eddie have no personal space when you’re together. Wherever Eddie is, you’re right there, brushing up against him…if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’re already together…and Eddie’s the person you look to first when you make a joke or suggest something…you’re always drawn to one another.
Buck’s language is touch and everyone knows it…plus, Eddie knows him more than the others…he’ll always get Buck’s jokes. Of course Buck would look to Eddie first.
s. Do I even need to mention the fact that you stole a firetruck to go behind the firelines in Texas (even after being told explicitly that you wouldn’t be allowed behind the fireline) to make sure Hen came home to me?
It’s growth.
t. You and Athena threw a Christmas party for the entire crew after Christopher realized he couldn’t spend Christmas with Eddie or with you. And the fact that the rest of your crew was working the holiday, you invited everyone’s extended family. And Athena says that was mostly on you , she just helped make some calls and get everything put together in an orderly fashion.
It was the least he could do…he couldn’t stand the fact that Christopher was so sad with the incoming holiday because he couldn’t spend Christmas with Eddie…that he couldn’t spend it with Buck after finding out he couldn’t spend it with Eddie. And it wasn’t fair the rest of the crew had to go without seeing their families, so an idea popped into his head and…well, he ran with it.
There are so many more things I could list, Buck…but I think you get the idea. Has anything popped out to you yet?
Considering this is about his feelings for Eddie, Buck supposes he’s supposed to point out that a lot of the list includes Eddie and/or Christopher.
But that doesn’t mean anything, necessarily.
You wear your heart on your sleeve and we love you for that…but I don’t know how you or Eddie haven’t realized it yet just how much you love the Diaz boys. So this is your wake-up call, Buck. If you haven’t realized it yet, you’re in love with Eddie.
Oh believe me, I’ve realized.
And before you try and argue with me, let me recap a few things I’ve learned from your sister and my wife:
a. You think Eddie is cute. You misunderstood who Maddie was talking about at the time and told her, “wait until you meet his kid” and Maddie asked you if Chimney had a kid…no taking that one back, my friend.
To be fair, all of his coworkers are attractive. Chim included (though he shivered at the thought.) (That’s his sister’s husband he’s talking about.) And because Eddie was new and Eddie was the first thing he saw when he walked in a room, Buck had thought Maddie was talking about Eddie.
(He’s so glad she wasn’t talking about Eddie.)
b. The measuring contest when Eddie first showed up…you were sizing up the competition…but was the competition for dominance in the workplace or was it your heart trying to prepare itself for the possibility of something more between you and your soon to be best friend?
More like he was insecure.
(And he’d seen Eddie’s abs and Whatta Man had been playing in his head and he didn’t know what to do with the sudden sensory overload.)
c. You spend 90% of your time with Eddie and Chris - it doesn’t matter if you’ve spent the last forty-eight hours with Eddie, you still plan to follow him home after the shift.
To be fair, Eddie never says no. And he usually asks Buck over anyway.
d. You’re attached at the hip at work and out of it. Honestly, it’s sickening to see sometimes…especially since I know you both haven’t gotten your shit together.
Rude.
e. “There’s no one in this world I trust with my son more than you,” or something like that. Maddie wasn’t sure of the wording…blame the wine on that. Buck, I hate to tell you like this, but that is Eddie giving you a piece of his heart.
Eddie’s hand grounding him…Eddie ducking to search for his eyes…to make sure Buck heard him. It had been after the tsunami, cuts still fresh on his face and Eddie had trusted him to take care of Chris even after Buck lost him.
Buck still can’t believe it sometimes.
f. Eddie made you Christopher’s legal guardian - not his Abuela or his Aunt… you. Eddie gave you his whole heart Buck. I don’t know how else to get you to realize your feelings…but I can damn sure tell you that Eddie is more than a little in love with you.
It’s pretty terrifying, actually, the whole legal guardian thing. Because to become Christopher’s other dad - guardian - whatever you want to call it, Eddie had to die. He had to bury Eddie to be anything more than Christopher’s best friend…but at least they wouldn’t be separated if the unthinkable happened.
Buck doesn’t think he’d survive that if Christopher was taken away too.
But Buck’s just the back up plan. Yes, they’re family. Yes, they care about each other. Yes, Eddie loves him…but he doesn’t love Buck like that.
g. You let Eddie call you Evan - only Maddie was allowed to do that, I thought. Sure, he doesn’t use it all the time…but he uses it when it matters, doesn’t he? “Because, Evan , you came in here the other day and said that it would have been better if you’d been shot,” ringing any bells?
And maybe when the word Evan leaves Eddie’s mouth…maybe Buck feels butterflies in his stomach. Maybe Buck gets a little hot under the collar. Maybe Buck can feel his cheeks heat up…but that’s a him problem, not Eddie’s.
h. You’d do absolutely anything to make Eddie and Christopher happy.
Always.
So, Buck…you ready to at least admit it to yourself that you might be a little bit in love?
Oh, Buck definitely is in love with Eddie. He’s not afraid to admit it - so long as it’s not to Eddie himself.
II. Loving a Firefighter
I don’t know how much you can learn from this section I’ve decided to make…it’s not like you don’t know how terrifying it can be as a firefighter…you’ve faced far more than I’ve had to in my time with Hen…and you two weren’t even romantically involved…
Buck, loving Hen is hard to describe - there are so many things I want to say and portray…but I’m going to give it a shot. Loving Hen is like finally solving the unanswered problems of life - like the Goldbach Conjecture or the Riemann Hypothesis to name a few mathematical mysteries. It’s gratifying and exciting and groundbreaking. Loving Hen is breathtaking. Loving Hen is like nothing else in this lifetime…
Hen is the moon to my night sky. She is the air that I breathe. She is the beginning and the end of my story. She is my everything and I know I’m hers.
Buck will admit, he’s getting a little misty eyed. Karen is probably the most genuine person he’s ever met. So to see how much she loves Hen - to get a chance to understand that dynamic between them? It’s beautiful.
I could go on, but I would probably fill seventy pages waxing poetry about how much I love Henrietta Wilson and still not be able to describe it all. And the point of this booklet is to talk you through your thoughts and feelings regarding one Eddie Diaz. So here’s the question, Buck…
Do you love Eddie Diaz?
Probably more than anything.
Don’t rush to answer. Don’t tell me that you love him ‘like a bro’...take legitimate time to think about your answer. Because this whole process hinges it.
Maybe Buck isn’t as obvious as he previously thought Karen and Hen thought he was…because if he was, wouldn’t Karen know Buck wouldn’t say he ‘loved Eddie as a bro’?
When you think of Eddie, what goes through your head?
The first thing that comes to mind when Buck thinks about Eddie is that soft, fond smile he gives Christopher whenever Chris says or does anything…it’s the smile that shows what Eddie’s thinking - it tells Buck that Eddie is amazed by this human being he helped to create. And it reminds him that no matter what, he can’t have what he truly wants.
Eddie can smile at him, tell him that he’s family - that Chris and Eddie are his family…but it’s not in the way he wants it to be. And Buck’s being selfish wanting more.
So the answer to that question…does he love Eddie Diaz? The answer is yes. He loves Eddie and he loves Eddie more than a best friend should. And he has to remind himself that he’s just the man’s best friend - he’s just the backup plan because if he lets himself think about it…it he really goes down the rabbit hole, he’s done for.
Eddie and Chris would distance themselves and he’d be left to pick up the pieces of his broken heart alone. So it’s better this way.
Do you imagine his smile? Does he light up the room whenever he enters? Do you think of the hardships you’ve been through and how they’ve brought you closer together? Do you think of funny anecdotes that only he would understand? Do you play the most important moments of your life with him in your head? Could you wax poetics for days about him - his hair, his face, his personality, his physique?
The short answer is, yes. He thinks about all of those things…not all at once, but throughout the day he’ll get a random thought that leads him to one of those moments. But he doesn’t dwell on them. It’s easier that way.
Do you think about what it would be like to be fully loved by him?
Buck thinks that the capacity of Eddie’s love has been shown to him on multiple occasions. Eddie loves quietly and he reserves it for people he truly cares about. Buck has no problem admitting that Eddie loves him.
Eddie just doesn’t love him romantically.
So Buck doesn’t focus on it. Because if he lets himself think about the possibilities , then he’s absolutely done for. He wouldn’t be able to function because what if.
So Buck tucks it all away. He lets it roll off him and he thanks the universe for letting him have Eddie in his life in whatever capacity it’s willing to give him.
I say this as your friend and someone who’s been through something similar before I met Hen: it’s okay to love him.
It’s okay to love him more than platonically. It’s okay to be scared to take that next step. It’s okay if you’re having a hard time putting your feelings into words…because it’s a process, Hun. It’s okay if it takes you a little while to get there (don’t tell Chim I told you that…this was originally to get you to act quicker on your feelings.)
Buck thinks it's more than okay to love Eddie…he just can’t let Eddie know how much Buck loves him.
So, instead of pestering you on admitting your love for Eddie…I’m going to tell you a bit more about loving a firefighter - keep in mind that this is coming from a civilian view.
a. In the beginning, having a firefighter for a significant other was pretty cool. (It’s still cool). But in the beginning, everything was new. It was exciting, thrilling…interesting. And it’s something that Hen loved doing. She came home with a smile on her face almost every day and I would listen to her talk about work for hours. But in the beginning, I couldn’t imagine that what Hen was doing was dangerous.
b. As time went on, I realized that what Hen does - what you and the crew do - it’s pretty dangerous sometimes. You all run into burning buildings for crying out loud! Knowing that my Hen, the woman I love more than anything on this Earth, runs into burning buildings, puts herself on the line for others…knowing that, I get scared. What if one day she doesn’t come home?
In this moment, reading and practically hearing the fear from ‘what if one day she doesn’t come home…this is the moment Buck swears he’ll make sure Hen goes home every shift. Because Buck knows what it’s like to go home without Eddie there. He knows what it’s like to have the love of your life possibly dying…he knows what it’s like and he won’t let Karen go through any of it.
That gut dropping fear when Eddie was torn away from him - during the well or during the shooting or when he thought Eddie had been shot again …no one should have to feel their heart get ripped out of their chest, least of all Karen.
c. People say that having a child is like having your heart walking out in the world without you…that’s true not only for children but for your significant other. When you find that person that you know is it, now you have a whole other part of your heart walking out in the world without you sometimes. So when Hen goes to work and Denny goes to school, the entirety of my heart is gone…sure, they’ll return when they come home…but what if Hen didn’t?
It’s fucking horrible, is what it is. That hole that grows in your chest the more you try and keep it together. Not knowing how to move on but knowing you have to because there’s a kid looking to you for what to do. Knowing you have to put on the brave face and reassure your kid that whether or not their parent makes it, that kid will be taken care of.
Buck can’t imagine what it would be like to never have Eddie come back…there've been some close calls, but Eddie always fought to get back to Christopher. Always.
d. Shit happens. I know it does and I know you do too. Equipment fails, evacuation paths get hindered, people with grudges make targets of first responders…but when that’s your heart that is stuck without what they need or hurt because of someone else’s agenda - I’m sure you know what I mean.
He does.
From his own experience to the rest of the crew’s…it fucking sucks. You go in one way and are expecting to go out the same way just to find that the fire moved too quickly and took your escape route. Radios crack or jam. Masks crack. Tanks run low too quickly. Turnouts tear. People strap bombs to the bottom of your truck…snipers blame the fire department for getting fired from their job and you happen to be standing across from your best friend when they become the unlucky target.
And his heart skips a beat each time something like that happens… especially if it happens to Eddie…because Eddie owns his heart and Buck’s promised to have the man’s back and get him home to his son, no matter what.
I can’t pretend to know what went through your head when Eddie was buried under forty feet of mud. I can’t pretend to know what went through your head when he was shot…what I do know is that if Hen had been in those situations - if Hen was buried alive or bleeding out in front of me, part of my heart would start to die. I can’t imagine my life without her in it…and I have a feeling you know what I mean by that. But I would have to live on. I have Denny to think of…as you have Chris.
Karen’s not holding back any punches, is she?
Because she knows as he knows that Eddie is to Buck as Hen is to Karen…and his heart most certainly did feel like it was dying both of those times Eddie almost left him. And, even without the Will change, Buck would have fought for Christopher…he would have had to move on because he has a kid to think about.
Dating a firefighter isn’t easy and I urge you to consider that…but I have a feeling it wouldn’t be as much of a problem for you…but loving a firefighter? That’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done because no matter what, I know that my world, my beautiful wife, is happy and doing what she loves…so I can only cheer her on.
So what do you say, Buck? Are you willing to take the chance?
Uh, not at this point, no. He could totally fuck this up and then Eddie would never talk to him again.
III. Dating and Marriage?
Okay, now that we’ve got you figuring out your feelings and (hopefully) you’ve decided you love Eddie Diaz more than platonically, let’s move on to what I like to call: the rocket (get it? Because I’m a rocket scientist?) (If you’re giving this booklet a dirty look at my joke, no wine for you the next time we hang out.)
He really needs to look up rocket science quips to share with Karen.
Why is it called the rocket? Because this part of the process takes off. I’m not even joking at this point…it feels like I went from dating Hen to marrying her in one fellow swoop. Like when I try to remember the difference between dating and marrying her, it can get jumbled up. Maybe you can account that to the date nights we have even now…but, and this may sound cheesy, I think I married Hen after only a few dates.
(Obviously not legally married to her after a few dates…that came later.)
But there’s something about finding that person that you know is going to be it for you. You start getting to know them and suddenly it’s like you’ve been learning the ins and outs of that person since you were a child. And I bet I can prove to you that you’ve been doing the exact same thing.
a. How long did it take you to find out about Eddie’s son?
Not long. They worked a couple of shifts together then the earthquake happened and Buck learned about one of the most important people in his life.
b. When did you find out about Eddie’s extended family?
He met Pepa and Abuela pretty soon after meeting Chris.
c. When did you find out Eddie’s favorite color?
It’s green and he knew after two months or so.
d. What’s Eddie’s favorite food?
His Abuela’s tamales.
e. Favorite letter?
D, for dork. Eddie loves to call him a dork.
f. Favorite sport?
Baseball.
g. How long did it take you to ‘crack’ Eddie Diaz?
And isn’t that a question…how long did it take to figure out just about everything he needed to know about Eddie? He wants to say he had him pegged by the two year mark…but three years and he learned even more about Eddie…he thinks that he might have a better understanding of Eddie now though…like maybe he’s finally figured just about everything out about the man.
Buck, you two are completely in sync with one another. Where one goes, the other follows. You know each other’s triggers. You know each other’s strengths and weaknesses…for pete’s sake you even talk without actually making sounds! That’s some top level married shit! To know someone so fully that you can just send one another a look and suddenly they know exactly what you’re thinking? That’s not normal…at least it’s not normal to know every look and nonverbal cue the other gives you.
Buck knows Eddie intimately. (Not like that ). He knows Eddie inside and out and Eddie knows him. He has practically since that first month of working together. It wasn’t hard to make that connection and be able to talk nonverbally.
They just knew each other.
And plenty of people are able to do this, some of them aren’t even couples!
Best friends can have a few nonverbal conversations…but to go throughout the day with moments of nonverbal conversations - some short and sweet, others drawn out - that’s when you begin to look like a romantically involved couple.
That’s not true…
They’re not! And they probably will never be romantically involved. Because Eddie doesn’t feel the same.
Congratulations! Now all you have to do is actually get together with Eddie.
Karen.
No.
I don’t think I have to explain how dating works with you, do I? I seem to remember your glamorous past leading to you asking out quite a few women… (no judgment). The only advice I have for you here is to approach it as you would a call. I don’t know how far Eddie is in his journey to figuring this all out…but it is possible he might not be receptive at first.
Or at all. Karen’s basing this off of what? How they talk nonverbally? Buck’s been burned too many times to trust that everything will work out if he just shares his feelings. That’s not how life works and he refuses to push the best thing that’s ever happened to him out the door.
Because that’s exactly what would happen if he even thought about telling Eddie his feelings.
Don’t get me wrong, that man loves you just as much as he loves his son, but overcoming things that he might have been taught or grown up around can be tough…wouldn’t you agree?
What she’s probably seeing is Eddie’s platonic love for Buck. Because there’s no way that she knows that Eddie loves him any more than that. And it doesn’t even have anything to do with what Eddie was taught growing up. Buck’s come to the conclusion that his very straight best friend would never be interested in his bisexual back up plan.
It just wouldn’t happen.
My point is, Eddie loves you and he will figure it out…you just might be a couple of steps ahead of him. So, be gentle, test the waters and that’ll tell you where to go from there.
Buck doesn’t think that’s going to happen any time soon.
Now, as for marrying your man…I have some ideas.
How did we get here? What the fuck, Karen?
(Hen’s telling me that I need to save those for when this all pans out…so you come find me when you need a wedding planner, okay?)
He doesn’t know what thought scares him more…telling Eddie his feelings or letting Karen plan his future wedding…they’re both terrifying.
IV. Family
You’ve been searching for a family for a long time, Buck.
There’s no need to pull out all the stops, Karen. Really.
This is in no way to bring your mood down or anything…but after everything that came out and you trusting me enough to let me in during our Wine Nights, it’s pretty clear that what you’ve searched for since you left Pennsylvania is a family to call your own.
You promised not to mention that again, Buck frowned at the booklet. It’s no secret that if you get Buck wine drunk, you’re bound to get more information than you bargained for. It just so happens that the Wilsons are people Buck can feel too comfortable around.
So Karen may have a bit too much information on her hands.
It makes sense.
Your parents weren’t the best and that left Maddie having to make up for what they were neglecting. She had to grow up too fast, not to mention the age gap you already had at the time. But that threw you out of the loop in family dynamics, didn’t it? And Maddie, she did an amazing job with you - but it’s not the same as having adult parents take care of you. (And I am truly sorry that they let their grief cloud everything surrounding you and Maddie.)
Like he said…she knows way too much.
By the time you left Pennsylvania, you were looking for a place to call home…people to connect with. And you tried, no one faults you for that, but it took a while to get to this point, didn’t it? Virginia Beach, Colorado, Montana, Peru, Mexico…all the places you traveled and not one gave you what you needed.
Until you got to Los Angeles.
Finally you found something that would make you happy…and you found people to call family. But it still wasn’t enough, was it? Sure, you had the bonds with the team…but it wasn’t until Eddie came along that you truly felt settled in your skin, right? Sure, we could talk about Abby and Ali and Taylor…they did help you grow to get to this point of being ready to move forward with your best friend…but they never made you feel at home , did they?
Home.
It’s such a finicky little thing…something that most people tend to overlook. Buck can give you the therapized version of it. He can tell you that his sense of self and that his sense of home were drastically shaped by his parents. He can tell you that because of how he grew up, his sense of home and self got pretty fucked up. And he was left searching for home over and over and over…but he hadn’t been able to find it.
Until he got to Los Angeles.
Home, he learned, wasn’t truly a place. Home was where you felt safe, it was a thing you could feel and experience. Home didn’t have to be Abby’s apartment or his loft or the fire station. Home could be people. Home could be at the firehouse with Bobby, Hen, Chim, and Eddie. Home could be at a gathering with the crew and their families. Home could be anywhere Eddie and Christopher were.
And no, he didn’t feel that sense of home with Taylor, he didn’t feel it with Ali…but he thought he’d felt it with Abby. Because Abby was the first person to actually look at him and see him. Abby was the first nonfamilial person to love him…
But then he met Eddie.
The asshole just had to go and cause Buck to redefine everything he thought he knew about love.
The second you stopped your dick measuring contest, the second you guys promised to have each other’s backs…that was the moment you found your home. That was the moment that changed everything - that actually led you to this point. Because you can’t tell me that you don’t feel it…that you feel more at home anywhere that doesn’t have Eddie or Christopher in it.
a. You were essentially haunted by the ghost of Abby for almost a year before you moved on from her. The first place you thought that you felt some peace turned into your own nightmare.
Okay, we don’t have to talk about Buck’s past dating history. It’s not really that serious.
b. Ali could never stay in town long enough to even make a home.
Can we just - not? Seriously, Buck’s gotten over all of this.
c. Taylor gave you a distraction…but work was always more important to her.
Karen has no shame.
Why am I friends with her again?
Because she tells it like it is, the traitorous voice in the back of his head reminds him.
And I’m not meaning to sound mean pointing this out…but look at what happens next.
d. You’re never a guest in Eddie’s home.
He really isn’t. If anything, it’s BuckandEddie’s house. Buck’s kitchen, Eddie’s space…it works really well.
e. You have a key to Eddie’s place…but it only ever feels like home if he and/or Christopher is there.
That’s true.
f. You’ve said that going to your loft feels like the equivalent of being catapulted into space.
How is Karen able to remember this? She was as drunk as he was!
g. You’re happiest when Eddie or Christopher are around.
That’s not a lie.
Do you need more proof? You, Eddie, and Chris? You’re a family. Three people who love each other more than probably anything else. And you’ve told me about people complimenting you on your family…you say you get flustered but thank them anyway…because you are a family and everyone can see it…but you can be even more of a family if you just give love a chance here.
But that chance has a possibility of backfiring. Buck knows he, Eddie, and Chris are a family. What they have now is great! If Buck goes up to Eddie and tells him that he’s in love with him, Eddie could take it all away.
(Buck knows he wouldn’t, he does…but they’d never recover from it.)
Buck, it’s not rocket science…I should know considering I am one.
V. Get Your Man
Well, you’ve managed to get to the end of this little booklet. There’s not much else I can give you to try to convince you to give this thing a go. So, I’ll leave it at this.
You deserve to be happy. You, Eddie, Christopher…you all deserve this chance. A love like this doesn’t come and go and I can guarantee you’ll never find another one like this. So, man up. Get it together.
It’s time to go get your man.
(And I expect to hear every single detail. )
It can’t be that simple.
Nothing in Buck’s life is that simple.
Buck glances at his phone as it lights up with a notification from one of the various apps he’s downloaded. 11:03 PM. Had he really sat here that long? Buck sighed, placing the booklet on the coffee table once more and stretching.
Buck ran a hand down his face. He appreciated the sentiment it took for Karen to write the booklet and all…but it wasn’t like he could go up to Eddie just say ‘yeah, man, by the way I’m in love with you. We still on for Friday?’ He wasn’t about to blow up his life for a maybe.
He glanced at his phone again, tapping his fingers against his leg…it wouldn’t hurt to gauge the situation though. Right?
Buck picked up his phone, opening the text thread he shared with Eddie. The cursor blinked at him, waiting for the message. But how would Buck even start to gauge interest? He can’t come out with ‘do you like me more than a friend’ or ‘what do you think about going on a date with a guy?’
Buck chewed on his bottom lip with a groan. He threw his phone to the side, bringing one hand up to run through his hair. Come on, Buckley, he thought to himself, get it together. His free hand reached out to his phone again, opening it with ease. The cursor blinked back at him as if asking if he was ready now.
B: Do you want to go to breakfast in the morning? I found this 24 hour diner that I think you and Chris will like!
It wasn’t like Buck wasn’t planning to take Chris and Eddie to the diner sometime soon anyway. He’d found it on his day off a few weeks ago and was determined that Eddie and Chris get to try it out. Their pancakes were to die for!
And…maybe Buck could gauge Eddie’s interest in the morning. Start out small and see what happens…and if all else fails, get Karen to help him figure it all out.
E: We’d love to, what time?
B: Great! I’ll pick you up at 8!
It’s not a date. It’s not a date. It’s not a date.
Just two friends and a kid going out to breakfast so that one friend can figure out if the other friend likes them.
Buck groaned, this was a horrible plan.
E: Sounds good, can’t wait!
Buck tosses and turns most of the night. By the time his alarm goes off, Buck’s not sure he’s on board with his plan anymore.
It’s quick work to get ready and drive to the Diaz home. He lets himself in, smiling as he hears Eddie call to Christopher, “Mijo, Buck will be picking us up in twenty minutes!” Buck follows his best friend’s voice to the kitchen where Eddie was attempting to finish the dishes from the previous day.
“Actually, Buck is here now…ready when you are,” he laughed. He could only watch as Eddie jumped as if he didn’t realize anyone had come into the house. Buck knew the Diaz home inside and out, but there was a new squeaky floorboard Buck hadn’t gotten used to yet and he’d stepped on it on the way to the kitchen…surely Eddie would have heard his approach. “I’m sorry,” he begins, “I didn’t mean to scare - Eddie? Are you alright?”
Taking him in, Buck could see the deep bags under Eddie’s eyes. Something was wrong. Buck stepped closer, carefully reaching out and tilting Eddie’s head up so he could further inspect him. Clearly Eddie hadn’t had a good night’s sleep either. Eddie reached up and grabbed Buck’s hand, putting it down at his side.
“I’m fine, Ba - uck.”
Buck cocked his head and raised an eyebrow. Did Eddie almost call him -
No. Not possible. Buck was just too tired and making himself hear things.
Eddie continued to talk, “just a little tired…there were…crickets…outside my window all night…made it hard to sleep.”
Buck felt his face scrunch up as he continued to assess Eddie. Buck, in fact, was more concerned because Eddie was lying to him. “You know you can tell me-”
“BUCK,” Christopher yells as soon as he sees Buck.
With one more concerned look at Eddie, Buck spun, smile brightening as his eyes landed on Christopher. “Superman! I missed you Bud!” It was easy to pick up Chris and swing him around in greeting. Giggles broke free making Buck’s bubble up. “Are my Diaz boys ready to go eat the best pancakes in the whole of LA?”
Buck let Christopher down, barely containing a wince at the wording. He turns to Eddie seeing the man frozen in place, clearly concentrating on something. Buck stepped closer, “Eddie? You sure you’re alright, Man?”
Eddie blinked a couple of times and gave a shake of his head, “what? Y - Yeah, I’m fine. Totally good. Just hungry.”
Buck bit his lip with a small sigh and looked back to Christopher, “well then, Diazes, let’s get going!”
The car ride was filled with chatter from Chris, Buck interjecting when it was appropriate but he often looked over to Eddie. Clearly something was wrong and he didn’t want to tell Buck…
He knows, that traitorous voice in his head hissed.
Buck cleared the thought from his head. Eddie doesn’t know…there’s no way he knows.
Eddie naps most of the way to the diner, starting to come to when Buck begins to park. He fumbled with his seatbelt, unable to get it off. Buck bit his lip and reached over, hitting the release and freeing Eddie. He could feel his mouth begin to frown…maybe he should take Chris and Eddie home - they could always come back and Buck could gauge Eddie’s interest later. He leaned over the console, lowering his voice so Christopher wouldn’t pick up on the conversation, “Eds, are you sure you’re alright? We can go back home now and come back later…it’s not a big deal.”
The forceful shake of Eddie’s head was enough of an answer, a surprised “what” following. Eddie cleared his throat, “no, no. I’m good, really…I’ll get a nap later on, no worries, Man.”
Buck’s not convinced, but Eddie puts a stop to the conversation by getting out of the Jeep. Buck muttered under his breath, “stubborn asshole,” before following the Diazes to the diner.
One of the reasons Buck loved the diner when he found it was because they had little to no wait times. As they waited, Buck stayed at Eddie’s side, supporting him as he flagged. He kept Christopher engaged and barely resisted the urge to wrap an arm around Eddie’s waist.
It’s not long until they’re led to a table, Christopher demanding to sit next to Buck. Ordering happens relatively quickly, Buck ordering for Eddie as Eddie watches him and Chris. Buck tried to block it out…he’d never felt so aware before with Eddie watching and not engaging with him or Chris…so Buck caught up with Chris and tried to keep himself from blushing as Eddie continued to stare.
Buck and Chris share a look as their food is delivered before looking back to Eddie. A small grin begins to form on Eddie’s face, “why is there a smiley face on my pancakes?”
“Chris and I thought you would like the smiley face since you’re having a rough morning, Eds.”
“Yeah Dad! Smiley faces make everything better!”
Eddie ducks his head with a smile and chuckle, “well, it does make me smile, so I guess you were right.”
“Duh, Dad,” Christopher says with that pre-teen tone, “Buck’s always right.”
Buck preens, meeting Eddie’s eyes across the table. The smirk Eddie sends his way may or may not have made a light flush begin to show on his cheeks. “And what did you bribe my son with to get him to say that?”
Buck gives a put upon gasp and places his hand on his chest, “I’m offended that you think I’d bribe a child to tell you the truth! Christopher is a smart kid-”
“-That gets to pick two movies when we get home,” Chris beams.
Buck’s mouth drops open at the admission from the kid. He quickly forms it into a frown of mock betrayal causing Christopher to burst out in laughter. Eddie quickly joins in (exactly what Buck was going for). Eddie’s foot taps against Buck’s leg a couple of times, breaking Buck’s resolve, causing him to laugh as his face further heated up. “Okay, eat up…we have movies to go watch.”
Buck looked to his plate, taking a couple of bites before looking back up to Eddie…something was different. And he doesn’t mean that Eddie’s sleep deprived - that much is clear and Buck would be getting down to the bottom of that as soon as Christopher was out of hearing range. What he means is that Eddie seems… softer. Not in a mean way but…like softer around the edges - fondness leaking out.
Buck loves him.
Buck loves him.
He loves him more than anything. He just has to figure out how to tell him… if he tells him.
Buck’s so caught up in his thoughts that he ends up missing his mouth, the whipped cream from his pancake smearing on his nose. Buck blinks in confusion, eyes crossing to look at the fluffy white substance lining his nose. Christopher - the traitor - muffles his giggles as he brings two fingers up to Buck’s forehead, swiping across his forehead as if he were in the Lion King.
A startled laugh leaves Buck’s mouth, setting Christopher off. Buck meets Eddie’s eyes again, seeing Eddie try to fight his smile. “What,” Buck asked him, trying to hold back his own smile.
“You-” Eddie begins to chuckle, “you, uh, got a little,” he starts pointing to his nose and forehead, “something there.”
“Buck’s messy, Dad,” Chris deadpans before breaking out into another round of giggles.
Eddie laughs brightly, “yeah, he is.”
Buck plays along with a gasp, “how could you turn on me like that, Diaz boys? I guess this calls for…retribution!” Buck’s quick to grab Christopher and tickle his sides before smearing whipped cream on the kid’s nose. Chris squirmed in his hold, a loud peal of laughter leaving his mouth causing Buck to join in.
It felt so normal.
It felt like he was supposed to be here with the Diazes…a part of their family, making Christopher and Eddie laugh. And he fucking wants this to be his every day. He wants those fond smiles Eddie’s been giving him this morning to mean something and he wants them directed at him every day. He wants it…and he might not get to have it.
But Eddie gives him the chance. In the midst of getting ‘retribution’, Eddie says, “marry me.”
Buck freezes, turning to look at Eddie…because Eddie can’t possibly mean it. He can’t mean it the way Buck would mean it. Buck meets Eddie’s stunned gaze - amber meeting oceanic - and through the panic, Buck can see the underlying soft fondness…does he mean it? “W - What? But, uh…we’re not - we’re not dating and you want…you want to - to marry me?”
Nice going, Buck. You’re a fucking idiot.
What he meant to say was yes. No matter the meaning, he’d say yes…because he’ll take anything Eddie would give him. Buck can only watch as Eddie opens and closes his mouth a few times, “I-”
Buck closes his eyes…this is his chance. This is the moment because Eddie was brave enough to say that now Buck just has to tell him…because if Eddie means it in the way Buck hopes he means it, Buck can be brave too.
Buck opens his eyes, reaching out slowly to link his hand with Eddie’s, “but, uh…okay. Yeah, let’s get married.” He hopes it comes out calm and with none of the nerves he’s feeling at the moment. Because he really doesn’t want to give Eddie the chance to doubt what he’s saying.
It’s Eddie’s time to freeze…Buck hopes that it’s because he surprised him…not that he-
“You want to marry me,” Eddie asks, a shocked expression forming on his face.
Buck can feel the smile take over his face, shoulders relaxing. “I want anything you’ll give me, Eds…I just wasn’t sure you shared my feelings.”
Eddie doesn’t say anything for a while, but Buck doesn’t mind…he’d wait for Eddie for the rest of time if the man asked. It’s Chris that breaks the silence, whispering to Buck, “I think you broke Dad.”
Buck laughs at the unexpected comment, “I think he broke me for a second there too, Bud.”
“I love you,” Eddie manages to finally say.
Buck can practically feel the love radiate from his own pores at the statement. He picks up Eddie’s hand and kisses the back of it, shooting Eddie what he’s sure would be considered a love sick grin, “I love you too, Eds.”
“I had a plan,” Eddie adds.
Buck bites his lip, “I’m sure you did.”
“It wasn’t supposed to happen like this…I was going to gauge your interest in me and then ask you out on a date and ask for marriage later,” Eddie continued on.
Buck shrugged, “when have we ever done anything according to plan?”
And maybe Buck gets to be happy…maybe he gets to have all he’s wanted. And he damn sure will never tell Eddie that he had a guide to dating and marrying a firefighter with a kid gifted to him that pushed him to ask Eddie to breakfast. (He wasn’t about to invite the teasing from that into his life, thank you.)
If, in four months, Buck finds a wrinkled book labeled Chimney’s Guide to Dating a Buckley by Howard Han stashed in one of Eddie’s drawers, he doesn’t let on that he knows exactly what the feeling of being handed such a booklet…and he does tease Eddie about it relentlessly. (Except when Eddie does that thing in bed and it takes Buck’s mind fifteen minutes to reboot enough to bring it back up.)
So maybe, on their first anniversary, Buck gifts Eddie Karen’s Guide to Dating and Marrying a Firefighter with a Kid and tells Eddie about reading it - laughing at how in sync they were considering they read their guides the same night. And if they get Karen and Chim extra special gifts for their birthdays that year, that’s no one’s business but their own.