Chapter Text
When you said your last goodbye,
I died a little bit inside.
I lay in tears in bed all night,
Alone without you by my side.
But if you loved me, why’d you leave me?
So take my body, take my body.
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody,
I’ll find somebody,
Like you .
A broken heart hurts, but a shattered heart hurts like living hell.
I never felt like this in my entire life, it was a breathtaking sensation, it was so good it seemed unreal. You know when you read a Nickolas Sparks novel or see a very cliché movie where two people just look at each other and… Click? I always thought that was bullshit, the most bullshit in the history of mankind to be honest, until it happened to me.
It was my first day at my second year of high school and I’ve had an advanced math class with some two-years-older than me students but I really didn’t care because I was there to learn math, not make friends. I stepped into the room and my eyes immediately fell on him with his the dark hair, green eyes and beard. But it wasn’t just his looks, there was something else that I couldn’t describe. Something at the same time sad and sweet about him, surrounding him as he talked to some girl.
I knew he was out of my league so I didn’t even sit close to him, actually, I sat as far away as I possibly could. But it was helpless, my gaze would fall on him without me even noticing, my heart pounding against my chest every time our looks collided, my stomach doing this weird thing, twisting while a thousand butterflies beat their wings on my insides.
Till this day, that was the most amazing feeling I ever felt.
Till this day, nobody ever made me feel like that.
In the next week I found out his name was Derek Hale, and just thinking about his name made my blood run faster and every single time he looked at me it was like…It was like I was floating, all weight out of my shoulders. A week after that I got to class earlier so he wasn’t there yet, I sat and was talking to an older girl, Erica - who was indeed very nice - when Derek came in. I fought with all my strength to not look at him, to not make a fool of myself, but when instead of sitting in his usual place he sat right behind me… Shit, it was uncontrollable. I looked back and he smiled at me, his teeth reminding me of bunny ones.
It was adorable.
He sat behind for two weeks without saying much, just normal stuff like ‘Hi’ or ‘What page is it?’ but man, even the smallest word he directed at me made me feel breathless, made me want to smile and I almost forgot to answer him every time, getting distracted by those beautiful as fuck eyes.
The bell rang and all the students started walking out of the classroom, except me because I was finishing a problem and I’m that kind of person who don’t leave nothing unfinished, so when I was done I look at the piece of paper with a proud grin before putting it away and gathering my stuff. I stood up and he was there, right in front of me with a soft smile at my shocked as shit expression.
“Hey.”
“Hi.” I still remember how hard it was to concentrate with him so close to me.
“Stiles isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“You are sixteen right?”
“Yep, I take this advanced class because you know, regular math it’s just too easy.” The smile he gave it to me was priceless, like that very much amused him.
“And why have the easy way if you can push yourself right?”
“Exactly, if you’re not making an effort it’s just not worth it.” We started walking out of the building, my mind and heart going crazy.
“I like the way you think Stiles.” He said softly before waving goodbye.
I still remember not sleeping that night, just kept looking at the ceiling and grinning.
We started hanging out a lot, I used to help him with his homework and we used to talk for hours and in every minute of it my heart was pounding, it didn’t matter if we were already friends, every time I talked to him seemed like the first, it felt like when I first stepped into that classroom.
On one rainy night Derek called me crying and I felt so worried and sad, I couldn’t understand a single word of what he was saying so when he hang up on me I hopped into my jeep and drove all the way to his apartment still wearing my pajamas. His uncle opened the door for me and I ran into his room.
That was the night he told me about the fire.
The fire that took away everyone he loved, except for his uncle and his sister Laura who was at a college in NY.
That was the night I told him about my mom, about how much it hurt to watch her die slowly with cancer.
A week after that he asked me out and I flipped with Scott, I remember he jumping around with me and screaming “I told you he liked you bro!” and then we laughed like idiots. I was well aware Derek knew how I felt about him because it has pretty damn obvious, it was something out of my control and knowing that he wanted to go out with me – even if he didn’t feel the same way as I did – it was amazing.
Our first kiss was my first kiss ever and it was perfect, it felt like I was made to kiss him forever. Stupid thing to say, believe me I’m well aware of that. But there is no other way to describe it, his hands on my waist, his warm tongue on mine made every hair of my body stood up. The world stopped at that moment, his musk and sweet perfume invading my senses, crawling thru my skin and I let him in. I didn’t fight back, I just let him in; let he become a part of me.
I knew I loved him even before our first kiss.
We started dating and Erica hug me tight when I told her, Scott was smiling almost as much as I was and my life couldn’t be better in any away. We had our fights but we always got over it and on one night, after Derek had a terrible nightmare and I had held him close until his heart calmed down, he kissed me soft and told me he loved me.
“I love you too Derek, I’ve always had.”
He smiled at me, that smile I knew it meant so much more than just a simple smile. That smile he only gave it to me and that made my legs fail and my heart skips a beat.
We made love that night, he was the first one I ever had sex with. It hurt at the beginning but Derek made it be great, he was gentle and sweet. I could still remember our fingers interlaced while he entered in me, kissing me soft so the pain would go away, I could still remember the pleasure on his face, on his green eyes as I sucked his wrist, our hips colliding and our breaths becoming harder and harder with each and every thrust. His loud moan as he came, hands holding me tight while I came too.
“That was amazing.” He kissed my forehead.
“Yes, it was.”
“Stiles?”
“Yeah Der?”
“I love you and I’m so glad you’re with me.”
That sentence would be craved in my mind forever.
“I love you too and I’m glad you let me be with you.”
Derek was my world and I would do anything he asked me to. My dad liked him a lot, they always watched baseball games together so I couldn’t ask for more.
The end of the year was getting closer which meant Derek getting to college and me staying in high school. But before we slept together, before he even told me he loved me, he had already told me he was going to Berkeley because it was closer and in that way he wouldn’t have to leave me behind. So I never really worried about it, I thought that if even before he wanted to stay with me, now that we had already said the L word to each other, that we had sex, he would want to be with me more than ever.
I thought he would want to be with me like I wanted to be with him.
Graduation day came in, dad was crying as I said my speech, Scott was happy with a girlfriend and wasn’t even believing he made it thru the year. Derek took me to the ball and we danced all night, I was smiling so hard my cheeks hurts. All I want was playing as he kissed me slowly, one hand over my waist and the other one caressing my neck and although it wasn’t our first kiss, still felt like it. I felt the numbness where he touched me, I felt my heart racing and racing like it was going to come out of my chest at any moment.
I felt alive.
A week after the ball I went to his apartment, he wasn’t there but Peter, his uncle, let me in. We talked a bit and I went over to Derek’s room and when I got there all his stuff were packed up already, even our photo together that used to stay by his night stand was missing, which was weird since he was suppose to leave only next week. I walked looking around and that was when some letters hanging at his desk caught my attention.
Pace University, New York.
I felt a grip on my heart, it was like all the air of the room had just disappeared.
Derek was leaving me.
“What’s this?” He seemed surprised to see me there, sitting on his bed with the letter on my hand.
“I got in—“
“Pace University, I can see that.” I remember the tears wanting to roll down. “I don’t understand Derek, you said you’re going to go to Berkeley. You said you weren’t going to leave me.”
“Stiles, we’re young and we think we love each other but we don’t.”
“What do you mean? Of course we do, don’t we?”
Derek didn’t look at me while saying and I’m glad he didn’t. “No, we don’t.” because that, those three words over there, they broke me. “You’re going to find someone else Stiles. This isn’t love and Laura offered her place for me to stay so…”
“I guess this is a goodbye then.” I felt pathetic, the tears rolling down my face and my voice barely coming out while Derek stood there with that pity look. I could tell he was sad, I could tell he wanted to kiss and tell me so many things, but for some reason he just… Didn’t.
He let me go.
“Goodbye Stiles.”
The pain was unbearable, it was too much, it was… Hell. I felt my heart breaking into a million pieces and I didn’t want to glue them back together, I just wanted the pain to go away… I wanted to be strong about all but I wasn’t. I broke down. It felt like my world had vanished, the rug being pulled under my feet. It felt like a part of me was gone with the wind and just thinking, just imagining not having Derek by my side everyday made my chest hurt, made my head hurt.
I felt like a part of me had died and I knew that I was never going to be the same because when Derek walked away, he took a part of me with him.
I gave him everything that I’ve had, everything that I was and still wasn’t enough to make him stay.
But the years went by and little by little I put myself back together, Scott and Allison helped. I went to UCLA and there I met Danny, who was my first boyfriend after Derek and although he didn’t make me feel like Derek did he was good and sweet. Still, every time I smelled Derek’s perfume I felt my heart racing, every time I heard Feel real or All I want he popped up and that sad sensation took over me.
It didn’t matter with who I was, it didn’t even matter who I loved at the moment. I would always love Derek.
Derek was the only unfinished thing in my life .