Chapter Text
Guillermo is getting worried about Nandor.
To be fair, he always worries about Nandor, and the others, because some days Guillermo seriously questions his former Master’s survival instincts.
He’s getting more worried.
Ever since they dealt with the Sire and set him up with the Baron and Aspen, Nandor has been treating Guillermo differently. Whenever they talk, Nandor always bring up Guillermo’s past vampire slaying exploits, either mentioning the Baron dying the first time or what happened with the previous Vampiric Council.
At first, Guillermo figured it was a good thing. Nandor had been an army general, and it was only natural that he decided to treat Guillermo as a fellow warrior, a soldier, now that Guillermo was his bodyguard.
But then Nandor kept bringing up Guillermo attacking him, pointing out how easily Guillermo could. How fast he is in battle. How clever his plan to capture the Sire was.
Guillermo hasn’t pointed out that them capturing the Sire had more to do with the Baron and less with him. He’ll take whatever praise Nandor deigns to give him, thankyouverymuch.
But the way Nandor stares at him whenever he talks about Guillermo’s vampire slaying reflexes is unnerving. There’s a look in those dark eyes Guillermo hasn’t seen before. It can’t be fear, can it?
Guillermo has tried to reassure his former Master that of course he would never hurt him. That he couldn’t hurt Nandor, that they’ve been through too much together for Guillermo to even contemplate harming him.
Whenever Guillermo does that, Nandor just sighs and stalks off, muttering to himself about the cage in the basement.
Guillermo does not want to spend another month pretending to be imprisoned in the basement.
There’s only one thing for it.
He’s going to have to ask Laszlo and Nadja what’s going on.
*
He finds them both in the Vampiric Council’s library. Laszlo has been working on updating the library catalogue, which surprised Guillermo until he discovered Laszlo was cataloguing the books by whether they were suitably saucy, and if so, what kind of saucy.
Nadja is leafing through a thick book, sighing to herself, while Laszlo sits back, nodding in appreciation at whatever porn he’s dug up now.
Guillermo coughs pointedly, but neither of them look up. “Ahem!” he says. “Ahem!”
“Can’t you see we’re busy reading, Gizmo?” Laszlo complains, finally looking up. “I was getting to a good bit there!”
“I’ll let you get right to it,” Guillermo tells them. “I was just wondering…um…” Now that he stands here, with Laszlo and Nadja looking annoyed, he’s not sure how to say it. “Is Nandor okay?” he finally asks.
“Beats me!” Laszlo exclaims. “Was that all?”
“You’re his bodyguard,” Nadja says. “Shouldn’t you know?”
“Haven’t you noticed anything different about him?” he asks.
They both shrug. “Apart from a ridiculous stubbornness when it comes to admitting I should be the primary ruler of the Vampiric Council, no,” Nadja tells him. She angrily turns another page in the book she’s reading. “There’s got to be a rule in here somewhere that says I should be the sole leader!”
“You’ll find it, my love,” Laszlo tells her, in a tone that makes it clear he’s said this many times. He turns to Guillermo. “But no, we haven’t noticed anything different about him.”
“He’s been talking a lot lately about my—my slaying.” He lowers his voice. It doesn’t feel right to talk about killing vampires while standing in their library. “About what happened at the theatre, and when we went after the Sire. He—he keeps talking about how I could kill him?” He holds his breath, worried Laszlo and Nadja will agree with Nandor that Guillermo is too big a threat to keep around.
“And then what?” Laszlo asks. “When he talks about it, what happens?”
“He kinda looks at me and walks away,” Guillermo replies.
Nadja frowns. “So, he doesn’t try to rip you limb from limb?”
“No!” Oh no, should he be on the look-out for that?
“And he’s done this repeatedly?” Laszlo is looking alarmingly thoughtful. “Bringing up your, ah, heritage?”
“A few times, yes. Ever since that night with the Baron and the Sire,” Guillermo explains. On the one hand, he’s relieved Laszlo sounds like he knows what’s going on with Nandor. On the other hand, he’s worried about what it means that Laszlo knows.
Laszlo closes his book and gets up. “He wants a Dark Fuck Vampire Slayer.” He heads for one of the bookcases in the corner.
Guillermo opens and closes his mouth a few times. “Excuse me?” Has his voice always been this squeaky?
“Dark Fuck Vampire Slayer,” Laszlo repeats and no, it doesn’t sound any better the second time. “You’re lucky you came to me. I know exactly what’s going on with Nandor. Sly dog, he’s been holding out on me!” He peers at the titles on the shelf, then smiles. “Part one’s missing.”
“Part one of what?” Guillermo asks, not sure if he actually wants to know what’s going on with Nandor anymore. Not if it has Laszlo looking so pleased.
“Of this particular trilogy. Kidnapped by the Slayer is missing.” Laszlo picks two paperbacks from the shelf. Their covers are a lurid red, with two figures in an embrace. “Fortunately, I still have Claimed by the Slayer and Bound by the Slayer right here.”
Guillermo’s face turns red when Laszlo hands him the two books and he gets a better look at the cover.
Claimed has a tall, imposing man in a long leather coat and a rippling six pack glaring down at a kneeling male vampire, whose pale face is turned away. Bound has the same imposing man, still shirtless under his leather coat, with his arms wrapped possessively around the vampire’s waist. They’re both staring intently at each other.
“Is this a trashy romance novel?!”
Laszlo snatches the books from his hands. “These aren’t trash!” he exclaims, huffing with indignation as he marches back to his seat. “They also aren’t romantic. These, young man, are two of the filthiest pieces of erotica vampirekind has ever created.”
Nadja leans over to pick up Claimed by the Slayer. “I thought these were forbidden and all copies destroyed?”
“The Council must’ve kept a few copies for themselves,” Laszlo says. “I can’t blame them. These are classics. Oh, darling, now that you’re in charge, you should issue a decree they’re not banned anymore! We can print more copies!”
“Why—why were they banned?” Guillermo asks, because focusing on vampires banning books is better for his sanity than contemplating what this has to do with the way Nandor stares at him.
“A bad influence on impressionable young vampires.” Laszlo scoffs. “A load of nonsense if you ask me! Let vampires choose for themselves what to read! As if anyone’s going to go off and fuck a vampire slayer just because they read it in a book!” He picks up Bound by the Slayer. “Although I’d be lying if the concept didn’t intrigue me.”
Guillermo lets out a panicked yelp.
“Oh, don’t worry, Gizmo. You’re quite safe from me,” Laszlo tells him.
“Are you saying that you want to fuck a different vampire slayer?” Nadja demands.
“Or get fucked by them,” Laszlo replies. “It’d be a thrill, wouldn’t it? Not sure whether I survive the experience…”
“Well, I want you to survive the experience!” Nadja tells him. “You are not getting fucked by a vampire slayer, and that’s final.”
“You can’t tell me who I can and can’t get fucked by!”
“I’m the leader of the Vampiric Council! I will issue a decree that you, Laszlo Cravensworth, are hereby banned from getting fucked by vampire slayers!”
“Co-leader,” Guillermo points out.
Nadja hisses at him.
“He’s right,” Laszlo says. “You’d need Nandor to sign off on it too. And Nandor’s not going to do that, because he wants to get his jollies the same way!”
Guillermo lets out an odd, choking noise as his cheeks try to get even redder.
“Well, no one’s getting their jollies if he drops dead.” Nadja gestures at Guillermo. “Really, Laszlo, are you sure about this?”
“It explains everything,” Laszlo assures her. “Nandor was in here yesterday asking about my cataloguing system. And now Kidnapped by the Slayer has gone missing? That can’t be a coincidence. He wants himself some Dark Fuck Vampire Slayer action.”
As one, Nadja and Laszlo look at Guillermo. Nadja frowns, and Laszlo looks worryingly appraising.
“But how?” The words are out before he realizes, because now Laszlo gets that smug look on his face.
“When a vampire and a vampire slayer hate each other very much,” Laszlo starts.
“Not that!” He’s read enough of his mother’s trashy romance novels to know how they work. “With Nandor. Why does he—why?”
“Who knows,” Laszlo says. “It happens to all of us when you live long enough. You’ll try anything once.”
“You’re not,” Nadja mutters.
“But I’ve never—” Guillermo shuts his mouth before he can bring up his virginity. This is embarrassing enough as it is.
“That doesn’t have to be a problem,” Laszlo says airily. “Actually, maybe that’ll really work for Nandor.” He gestures at Guillermo with Bound by the Slayer. “You know, the whole ‘oh, I am a powerful vampire slayer who is so devoted to my job that nothing could tempt me away from it… But what’s this? This vampire I’ve been sent to kill is tempting me from my slayer ways with his wit and charm. Oh no, I can’t give into to my base needs for the first time over a vampire! It’s too forbidden!’”
Nadja eyes him. “You’ve been thinking about getting fucked by a vampire slayer a lot, haven’t you?”
“Once or twice,” Laszlo replies. “Since Gizmo here brought it up.”
Guillermo is distracted from imagining Nandor tempting him to give into his base needs—it wouldn’t take a lot, to be honest—by Laszlo replacing him. He shudders. “But it’s not even like that,” Guillermo insists. “I mean, I haven’t been sent to kill him. Or you. I was his familiar. He can’t think I’d want to do that!”
Laszlo sighs. “Have you heard of the concept of playing pretend?”
Guillermo blinks. “Like roleplay? In the—the bedroom?”
“Yes. You see, he pretends you are a powerful vampire slayer intent on killing him, you pretend he’s a vampire with wit and charm, and presto! You rail him over his own coffin!”
Guillermo’s brain short-circuits at that mental image. “Hng.”
Nadja frowns at him. “Are you all right? Laszlo! You broke the human!”
“How was I supposed to know he was that fragile! I was simply answering his questions!”
“You know humans are very delicate,” Nadja scolds. “Now what are we gonna tell Nandor? That we broke his bodyguard?”
“Maybe then he’d be willing to pretend I was the vampire slayer,” Laszlo muses.
“I thought you wanted to get fucked by one?”
Laszlo gestures dismissively. “So long as fucking’s involved. I’m not that picky.”
“In that case…” Nadja closes her book. “I have a very nice leather coat at home, you know.”
“And you are powerful…” Laszlo grins up at her. “Powerful enough to rail me over my own coffin!”
“Not if I slay you first,” Nadja purrs.
“You can’t resist my wit and charm!”
They rush past Guillermo, transforming into bats on their way out.
The only thing Guillermo can think is that he doesn’t even have a long leather coat.