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you can hear crying, and it’s close by.
you shoot up, confused as to where the noise is coming from. the sudden movement has your head spinning, making it difficult to see the world around you.
you reach down to your stomach, making sure the baby is ok, your brain confused when it feels smaller. what happened? is she ok?
with groggy eyes, you look down and notice that it’s much smaller. you begin to panic, but the crying returns, slightly angrier this time.
you scramble to the side of the bed, slowly lifting the crying baby from it’s bassinet. the rocking chair is in the other room, and you’re tempted to go, but even just holding her has already helped her calm down slightly.
Aera been here for two weeks, and yet you’re still scared when she wakes you up. her hair is a muted silver, similar to her dad’s. her eyes are just like yours, with a small amount of crimson on the inside. she’s perfect, just like him.
her tiny arms fold under her chest, her face pressed into your sternum. you carefully move your shirt around so that she can be pressed right up against you.
it’s when you lay back down that you notice you’re alone in the bed. was he here when you woke up? was he ever here at all?
did he leave because she kept waking him up, hurting him and his career? was this the final straw?
fear feels like it grips your chest, and it takes all your might to keep a firm but not disruptive hold on Aera. you don’t want to hurt her.
placing her tiny head securely on your chest, you lean back against the headboard, your eyes trained on the ceiling in an attempt to keep tears from falling down your cheeks.
you have one hand on her head, and the other on her back. you barely recognize that you’re mimicking the patterns that Zen sometimes rubs down your back, in an attempt to keep you calm when you feel like shit.
a flushing and the door opening pull you from your spiraling thoughts, scaring you slightly. when you jump, Aera stirs, so you’re quick to calm yourself down. he looks exhausted, his hair slightly messy at the ends, sticking to his shoulders.
‘Jags?’ he asks, walking over to the bed and laying down so he’s level with Aera. ‘did she wake you up?’ you nod a little, smiling as best you can.
‘yeah.’
‘i think that’s my fault, i’m sorry. i got scared and wanted to check on her, and once i left and closed the door i realized she was crying.’ he runs his finger down her cheek, her moving away from it slightly. you look down to her in her pink outfit. he chose it out for her, the little thing. ‘Jagi? are you alright?’
‘i couldn’t find you.’ you say, rubbing your eye slightly. ‘she was crying and you were gone. i know it’s a lot, dealing with Aera, having to go to work some days. i just—‘
it *is* a lot. the world doesn’t stop turning because you have a baby. if anything, it feels like it speeds up, everything swirling around you in a blur of fear and confusion.
but right now, you’re exhausted.
you just want to sleep. but the fear of her waking up alone, of *you* waking up alone, makes you scared. the overwhelming loneliness that has your stomach turning.
‘hey,’ he says, moving his hand so he’s cupping the cheek away from him. he quickly presses a kiss into the one he’s closer to. ‘i’d never leave you. either of you.’
‘i don’t know.’ you sob out, trying to keep still. ‘i feel like we’ve already grown apart because of her.’ you shake your head, holding her a little closer. ‘i’m just scared. i’m so scared, Hyun. what if Aera tears us apart, what if you stop loving me, wha—‘
‘hey, Princess? wait a second, ok?’ you nod, and he slowly sits back up. you’re trying to catch your breath, but it’s not working. he lets you put your head on his shoulder, hiccuping and sniffling as you press the small thing into your chest. ‘can i have her?’ you vaguely realize that he’s talking about Aera.
he’s trying to help, he deserves to be happy. having her will make him happy, right?
you can feel your fingers twitch, attempting to let go, but it scares you. it’s terrifying, to not know where she’s going to end up. he’s trying to take this off of you, but you can’t seem to think straight.
where would she go?
‘i can put her back in her bassinet, i can put her at the end of the bed for a minute, i can hold her, or you can keep holding her. which one sounds good MC?’
you like it when they’re spelled out. Zen knows that, he’s good. the fear of the unknown is all powerful until he’s around.
he’s smart, he knows how you work. he’s prioritizIng you right now. he may want to hold Aera, but he’ll listen to you if you ask.
‘bassinet is safest.’ you say, your mouth dry. you turn to him, and he smiles.
‘alright. can i have her?’ your hands twitch again. ‘the bassinet is right over there, Jagi. you can watch me put her in, and you can see her through the mesh.’
slowly, you’re able to give her to him, flipping her onto her back before handing her over.
he slowly rises, carefully holding her under her butt and neck, like you taught him, and placing her down. her little arms are splayed out, you can tell even from here. you keep an eye on her even as he moves back over, and you slowly start to lay down.
he moves closer to you, and you allow your body to meld into his.
‘what’s got you so scared Jagi?’
‘i just—‘ you sniff slightly, trying to remain calm. ‘i just feel like she’s taking up all my time. i feel like i haven’t seen you in forever. and i know you have work, but it felt really quick, for you to go back. i’m just scared i’m going to lose you.’ you say, tears breaking from your waterline quickly. you grab onto him, wrapping your arms around his back and shoving your face into his chest.
‘oh, MC.’ he says, holding you securely against him. you can feel him rubbing your back, tapping against it slightly to help ground you.
‘i just feel awful since i gave birth.’ you say, your words muffled slightly. ‘i’m constantly nervous i’m doing something wrong. that i’m fucking up. i feel bloated and gross, more so than usual. you going up on stage with all those beautiful people just scares me. and i know it shouldn’t. i love you, and i trust you. i’m…. yeah.’
there’s silence, and you can feel your heart rate increase. why the fuck would you give him ideas?
‘MC….’ he says, and you grab onto him. ‘i’m never going to stop loving you. you mean so much to me, you have no idea. Aera won’t ever change that, and no one else will either. i promise you. you’re also so much more beautiful than anyone i’ve ever gone up on stage with.’ he kisses your scalp.
‘are you sure?’ you move your face away from his chest, looking up to him.
‘of course i’m sure pretty thing.’ he kisses your lips, carefully moving you up closer to his head. ‘it’s alright to need reassurance. especially after you carried a whole human inside of you for so long.’
you laugh a little, knowing how scared he was in the delivery room. he may as well have been the one in the chair with how sickly he looked.
‘i love you.’ you say, kissing his nose.
‘i love you too. the show ends this week. i’ll be yours after, i promise. what with Trust-Fund helping us out with rent and stuff as a ‘baby shower’ present, we’re going to be ok.’
you think back to when Jumin said that he would be happy to pay for your leave, and rent for a while. he knew it was hard to live off of your salaries, regardless of working at C&R. he didn’t, however, truly know what a baby shower was.
Seven took care of the ‘fun’ things, and Jumin took care of the business things with Jaehee’s help. while Jaehee bought bottles and diapers, Seven bought toys and built Aera a robot cat. you made sure it wasn’t dangerous before allowing it into the apartment.
it sits in what will be her room when she’s a little older. when the two of you feel a little better having her in a different room.
Jaehee and Seven had both helped you pick out a crib, car seats, etc. anything that would help keep her safe. Seven helped you look for clothes a little, while Yoosung did bulk buy of things.
of course, Zen helped you pick out most of the clothes and memorabilia. little dolls, tiny dresses for the day, a snowsuit you’re sure you'd never use.
just as you feel you’re about to fall asleep, she starts fussing again. you can hear her sad little cries, and you move to get up.
‘i've got it babe.’ Zen says, rubbing his eyes. he walks over to the bassinet, rubbing her stomach for a second. when that doesn’t help, he begins to look around for her pacifier.
‘just bring her here, Hyun.’ you say, patting your lap. ‘we’re both tired, and if she keeps crying neither of us are going to be able to get rest.’ he nods, slowly picking her up.
he acts like she’s made of porcelain, more scared than you of messing up. he always acts so sure of himself when he’s taking over from you, trying to help you stay calm. but when it’s his turn, he seems like a wreck.
he quickly puts her in your arms, over the bed so she’s safe. you set her back where she was before, pressing against you.
‘you won’t drop her Hyun, i promise.’ you say, running your finger across Aera’s forehead.
‘i know. she’s just so tiny….’ he lays down next to you, holding his hand out to hers. she grabs onto it with all her might, which isn’t very much. you push him onto his back, holding Aera to you.
slowly, with Zen looking very nervous, you place her on his bare chest. she nuzzles her face into his skin, liking the contact.
‘see? she loves you.’ you say, kissing him. you bring his arms up over her, placing them slowly onto her. he keeps looking over at you, scared out of his mind.
‘she loves me?’
‘of course she does Zen.’ you blink a little. ‘she’s really calm when the both of us are around. she’s smart, she knows who her dad is. who’ll keep her safe.’ he beems slightly at that.
she begins to fuss, and his face returns to confusion.
you take her from him, sure she needs to eat or something. she refuses to latch, so you pull your shirt back up.
‘aw, because she doesn’t want anything i don’t get to see?’ he laughs a little, and you smack his chest slightly.
‘beast has to stay away until i’m recovered.’ you watch his face flush slightly. ‘i’m teasing, Lovey.’
‘i know.’ he mumbles. you don’t move from the headboard, sitting up as she’s propped against your chest. ‘you aren’t going to lay down?’
‘feel safer sitting up with her on my chest.’ you can barely get the words out, you brain feeling like mush. ‘don’t roll around when sitting up.’
‘you don’t really roll around anyway, Jagi.’
‘mmm.’ your head already feels heavy, like it’s not on quite right. you can feel your body moving, and it scares you a little. you jolt, making Aera jolt with you. she opens her eyes for a second, but then closes them again.
‘sorry Jagiya.’ you can hear him say as he moves behind you. scooting your butt forward slightly, he puts a pillow against the headboard. you thought maybe he’d move you back then, but instead he moves between you and the board.
‘you have work in the morning Baby.’ you say, reaching up behind you and stroking his cheek as he helps lay you back.
‘yeah, and you have to look over another human. i’ll be fine, MC. let me be your protector—the both of you—even if it is just from a sore back.’ you laugh slightly, leaning back into Zen.
your head hits the middle of his chest, making a small slope for Aera to sit without you constantly having to hold her up. you make sure her face is tilted to the side, holding it slightly with your hand. you tilt your head up, and smile.
he smiles back down to you, kissing your forehead.
‘get some sleep Jags. i’ll keep you both safe, ok?’
‘mmm. i love you, Hyun.’
‘i love you too MC.’
the weight from Aera seems to keep you grounded, pressing against Zen slightly to stay put.
he’s going to keep you safe. both of you. he’s good, he’s safe. he’s yours.