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It had felt this way since high school. She didn't know what it was at first. A slight discomfort, a tiny bit of longing, but she couldn't really figure out why. When she'd look at the models on magazine covers, there was this moment of sadness. For a while, she'd convinced herself that it was just because she wanted someone like that. And she hated seeing herself. There was this overwhelming sense of discomfort with her body every time she looked in the mirror.
She resented the tux her parents dressed her up in for her brother's wedding. She resented the haircuts, them slicking her hair back with gel and cooing to each other about their handsome son. She brushed it off as puberty afterwards. She only realized what she was feeling when she connected the feelings together.
The longing sensation wasn't from wanting a beautiful girlfriend, it was wanting to be them. The discomfort stemmed from that. After a week of being in what was basically an existential crisis, she decided to ask her mother. And like the normal confused parent would, she sent Armin to a therapist. Which led to being told that it was just a phase, it was practically nonexistent.
A year of her life was wasted in therapy, and she eventually gave in and decided to tell them that it was working. She put on a smile and enthusiastically announced to her parents that she was feeling better, she knew who she really was. She had so much ahead of her and there was no point in spending it all alone. She was the top of her class, she had tons of friends, a wonderful girlfriend. So she suppressed it for as long as she could.
And that brought her to where she was now. Sneaking around her girlfriend's closet while she was in class at college. Mikasa didn't know, and Armin planned on it staying that way. She wasn't going to scare her away like that.
Carefully plucking one of the hangers from the rack, she ran her fingers over the smooth red fabric, glancing around nervously, before laying it down on their bed. She tugged her shirt up over her head, tossing it down onto the carpet, followed by her sweatpants. Armin pulled the dress off of the hanger, sliding it up over her body - luckily she'd always been kind of slim, Mikasa used to joke around about how she could fit into all of her clothes.
She stood in front of the mirror on the closet doors, running her hands over her sides and up her chest, huffing out a disappointed sigh at the realization that it didn't look quite right. She didn't look quite right. Maybe she just wasn't meant to be like this, but it was killing her. She couldn't stand the constant self-loathing. Even if it was just for a split second, she needed this.
The woman carried her girlfriend's makeup bag into the bathroom, going through it curiously and pulling out a variety of eye shadows and lip glosses - she couldn't help but wonder why anyone would need that much, maybe it was just because she'd never done makeup before - sprawling them over the counter. Randomly grabbing one of the eye shadow palettes and pulling it open, she studied the colors, before picking up the brush and dipping it into a soft lavender shade.
She shut one eye, gently brushing the powder onto her closed eyelids one at a time, blinking them open afterwards and staring into the mirror. The color was a mess. It wasn't spread evenly and it clashed badly with her skin tone. She had no idea what the hell she was doing but she'd keep doing it anyway.
Afterwards she spread some blush over her cheeks, picking up a rosy pink shade of lipstick and putting it on.
A door slamming shook her from her actions, followed by a soft shout of, "Armin? You in the bedroom?"
Frantically stuffing the makeup back in the case and shutting the door, she gave a shout in return. "I'm just taking a shower, Love!" The sounds of footsteps echoed closer, and she saw the faint shadow underneath the door as it was pushed open.
"Oh please, the water isn't even on-." Armin stared up at her girlfriend with a panicked expression, watching Mikasa look her over with a look of confusion, "Is that my dress? What are you doing?" Mikasa gave a confused laugh, leaning against the bathroom wall and waiting for an explanation.
" I was... I was just..." She buried her face in her hands, successfully smearing the makeup over her face and giving Mikasa a desperate look, "Please... Please don't hate me." There was a huge possibility that Mikasa would think she's a freak and dump her, even though she didn't think she was cruel enough to do something like that, and she'd dated women before. But maybe this would be too weird to ignore. A choked sob broke from her throat and she rest her hands on the counter, bowing her head in shame and just crying.
Mikasa stepped forward, cautiously placing one hand on her partner's back, "Armin? Baby? What's going on?" Armin had always been pretty feminine and she knew that, but this was unexpected. At first it seemed like a joke, maybe Armin was crossdressing to make her laugh, and they'd send pictures to Jean and Eren, to make them laugh. But it was obvious something different was going down.
Taking a few seconds to compose herself, Armin looked up at her, her bottom lip quivering as she tried to stop the tears, "I want... I want to be a woman." She admit, almost immediately dropping her head down again, waiting for Mikasa to explode at her and dump her. But she didn't.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Mikasa cooed in a soft voice, turning Armin to face her and gently cupping her face in her hands. "C'mon. Let's get you out of these." She grabbed her bag and tugged Armin back into their room, sitting her down on the bed and curling up beside him, pulling out a container of makeup wipes.
At this point, Armin was sure that she was going to ignore what had happened, they'd forget the little incident and continue living their life. The washcloth was dabbed over her face, wiping the clown-like makeup away. What Mikasa did next was what surprised her.
"How about I teach you how to do your makeup?" She gave a goofy smile, dumping her bag out across the comforter and picking up a container with something like 'Anti-aging Cream' scribbled over the label. Armin didn't understand why Mikasa used it, she was stunning. She didn't need it. "I use this for a moisturizer, just do this." Dipping two fingers into it, she slowly spread it over her partner's face, watching her relax into it.
She guided her through the concealer and foundation, Armin watching intently as best as she could. "Now, I don't think purple suited you very well. I think you'd look good with gold, or brown. And some eyeliner."
Armin gave a small nod, still slightly confused as to why exactly Mikasa was helping like this. She should've been angry, or something. She was pretty much enabling her, exactly what her family refused to do. But Armin couldn't help but be happy with it, even if it meant that she wouldn't be considered normal. "Why are you doing this for me?" The blonde asked in a soft voice, reaching over to brush a strand of black hair from Mikasa's face. It just didn't make sense.
"Because I love you. And I want you to be happy." The words made tears well up in Armin's eyes, and she tried her best to fight them back, resting her forehead against her lover's and intertwining their fingers together. Mikasa just held her a few minutes, brushing her fingers through her hair soothingly. If it would make Armin happy, Mikasa would help her through it. Armin was still the same wonderful, smart person she'd fallen in love with. And she'd do whatever she needed to make her happy. "C'mon. Don't smudge the makeup, let me finish."
Pulling back with a nod, Armin sat still as she finished. "Hang on, you're not allowed to see it without putting a dress on first." Mikasa practically bolted to the closet, searching through the hangers while Armin waited, before grabbing one of her dresses and shouting at her to close her eyes.
After a few minutes of struggling to dress someone with their eyes closed, including trying to stuff a bra just right with some balled up t-shirts, they finally managed to reach success.
Mikasa pulled Armin to the mirror, looking at her with a warm smile, "Do you like it?"
When Armin opened her eyes, she was practically breathless. She wasn't exactly like how she wanted, but to achieve that would take time and money that they didn't have. But this... This was enough. This was something she'd aspired to be for so long and she couldn't stop herself from being ecstatic.
Her skin was even and smooth, a faint tint of pink on her cheeks and a warm brown spread over her eyelid, lined with black. A cherry red color was painted across her lips. "I... Yes. It's perfect. Thank you so much." Armin engulfed her in a hug, unable to hold back her tears.
Mikasa carefully tugged her back to the bed, lying down and pulling her down with her, "Don't cry. You're too pretty to cry." With a soft laugh, she wrapped her arms around the girl, pressing a loving kiss to her lips and rubbing at her back, "What should I call you now, love?"
"Just Armin."