Archive of Our Own

I.

The first time, Kaeya is twelve.

It’s late summer, the air filled with the smell of peonies about to wilt. The gardens around the Winery are full of ripe fruits, apple trees creaking under the weight. It’s perfect to run around and play all day.

Diluc, however, is too busy to play.

If he’s not training with the Knights, he’s training alone, studying the winery business, studying maths, or literature, or history -- always studying, studying, studying. People keep saying he’s a little genius who excels at everything he tries, and some other, less nice people whisper that he’s a spoiled little rich kid who gets handed everything on a silver platter -- but none of them know just how much he works for his every achievement.

Kaeya is the only one who spars with Diluc for hours on end until they’re both aching, their limbs shaking and numb from overexertion. He’s the one who bandages Diluc’s bloodied, blistered hands afterward because if they ask the staff they’d get scolded for training so hard, and Master Crepus would shake his head in disappointment. And that would kill Diluc.

Kaeya’s the only one who sees Diluc pass out over his notes on the Mondstadt uprising, or scrolls upon scrolls of Liyuese poetry, or the Winery profits and losses reports his father wants him to know how to read.

Kaeya is the one who gives Diluc snacks he pilfered from the kitchens when the other boy has been working non-stop for too many hours, not even taking a break to eat.

He’s the one who hugs Diluc at night as he lies in his bed too tired to sleep, the anxiousness that gnaws at him all day finally spilling out in stifled whispers: what if he fails the next test? What if he’s not good enough for the Knights? What if he can’t do everything his father wants him to do? What if he’s not as good as everyone thinks he is?

So Kaeya takes it upon himself to make Diluc’s life a bit easier. He studies alongside him, even though no one expects him to know the intricacies of wine pricing or every Mondstadt’s noble’s entire family tree. He quizzes him on everything until Diluc is confident about his knowledge. Kaeya trains with him despite not having a Vision and being a whole head shorter because Diluc needs a reliable partner, someone who’s not just trying to get on the Ragnvindrs’ good side. He learns everything there is to learn about the Winery business and walks Diluc through the calculations necessary to determine the return on investment for the new grape press or the best distribution model in Sumeru because for all his brilliance Diluc sucks at math. He’s the worst at it. Without Kaeya, he’d pour over the numbers for hours on end and then still make a dumb mistake like, for instance, completely miss that a formula required division, not subtraction. Kaeya even learns how to play the lyre so he can correct Diluc’s posture when he practices without his tutor.

But most importantly, Kaeya makes sure Diluc still has fun.

He drags him to the lake on hot days, splashing water on him until Diluc loses his temper and grabs Kaeya’s ankle making them both fall into the water and tumble around, still fully dressed. He cajoles him into boar hunting together, which is mostly a pretense to run around the forest like when they were young and carefree enough to play windtrace. He reads adventure stories to him while Diluc insists he still has an extremely boring ballad to memorize -- but he always gives up in the end, his head in Kaeya’s lap, quietly asking what happens next. He plays chess with him every night.

And that one late summer day Kaeya gets a particularly brilliant idea.

Diluc insists they’re grown up now, so they’re going to have fun like grown-ups.

He sneaks into the wine cellars easily, since the workers are used to him running around asking questions about how this or that works. He grabs one of the several bottles of red wine meant for export and an old corkscrew, both of which will not be missed long enough for everyone to forget Kaeya was ever here unchaperoned.

He finds Diluc practicing archery in the shade of an ancient cedar tree.

“Hey, look what I got?” Kaeya whispers, showing the bottle he’s hidden under his unbuttoned vest.

“H -- You -- Kaeya!” Diluc gasps, scandalized. His huge, pomegranate-red eyes turn even bigger. “What if someone catches you?”

“No one will,” Kaeya smirks. “Follow me,” he tucks the bottle back into his clothes and starts climbing the huge tree.

He can hear Diluc huff and puff, conflicted, and he doesn’t need to look down to know he’s surreptitiously checking their surroundings trying to figure out if Kaeya is going to get them in trouble. Then he straps his bow to his back and follows Kaeya, like he always does.

Halfway up the tree, its branches bifurcate forming a platform, big enough for two boys to sit in.

Kaeya takes the wine out and opens it. He thought he’s gotten used to the sharp smell, but up close it still makes him scrunch up his nose involuntarily. Still, he brings the bottle to his lips and takes a sip, reluctant to give up after going through so much trouble. The wine is astringent, both sour and bitter, with a hint of a sweet, flowery aftertaste. Kaeya suppresses a cough.

The aftertaste stays on his tongue and blooms into a warm, tingling feeling. It’s hardly noticeable, but it persists, growing more pleasant each second. Kaeya can sort of see the appeal.

“Want to try it?” He asks Diluc, who’s glaring at him with brows furrowed judgmentally. “Come on.”

“Fine,” Diluc takes the bottle and takes a big gulp. His face contorts grotesquely but he suffers through it without making a sound.

It’s cute, Kaeya thinks. It’s like drinking wine is one of the several impossible tasks he’s supposed to immediately excel at.

“Why do people like this?” Diluc asks, making funny faces, rubbing his tongue on his teeth like he’s trying to wipe the taste off.

“Can’t you feel it?” Kaeya giggles. The laugh comes so easily, spills from his lips like the waterfalls around Dragonspine in spring. He takes the bottle back and drinks some more. It’s not as astringent now, somehow.

He drinks more, chasing the warm aftertaste, sweet as the roses in the garden, as the best pastries, as Diluc’s smile.

Sunlight is warm on his skin, sunbeams filtering through the tree’s thick canopy. Diluc is watching him, his expression stern but with a barely-there hint of curiosity deep in his eyes. He is beautiful. Sunlight dances on his face, paints his hair a vivid, blinding red to match the fire of his eyes and the dusting of freckles on the bridge of his nose. It’s like his real essence is shining through his mortal form: a mythical phoenix who’s descended upon the earth to light up Kaeya’s life, to be his guardian, to show him that there’s a way out of eternal darkness.

Diluc was the one who found him in the vineyard five years ago, soaked to the bone and shaking so hard his teeth were clattering audibly. And ever since then Kaeya hasn’t been able to take his eye off him, enchanted by his light like a little stupid moth.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Diluc mumbles. He’s frowning cutely, like a kid he still technically is despite the immense burden of responsibility thrown at him.

“I’m --”

How does Kaeya begin to explain this?

If he lives to be eighty and learns a new Mondstadtian word every day for the rest of his life, his vocabulary would still not be enough to express what he sees in Diluc.

“What’s wrong? Is there something on my face?” Diluc wipes at his cheeks ferociously.

“No. You’re really... pretty.”

Diluc stares.

Kaeya stares too.

“What?”

“P-Pretty! How are you that pretty?”

“I’m not --”

“You’re the prettiest in Teyvat. No, you’re the prettiest in the whole universe,” Kaeya insists, his speech slurring oddly as he tries to squeeze everything he feels into a few clumsy words.

Diluc does not reply, his mouth opened in shock, and suddenly Kaeya grows bold. He touches the lock of hair that got out of Diluc’s messy ponytail, twirls it between his fingers before tucking it behind his ear. Diluc’s hair is thick and soft and silky like the best wool. Kaeya wants to bury his face in it. A part of him knows Diluc wouldn’t mind; Diluc always indulges him.

“There you are!” A yell comes from below them.

Kaeya startles and turns, the wine bottle slipping from his hand. He hears a loud tinkle of breaking glass from below.

He can’t help but giggle. This whole situation is so ridiculous, it’s like it’s straight from one of those formulaic kid-has-an-adventure-and-learns-life-lessons-from-it novels Master Crepus loved to give Kaeya when he was just starting to learn Mondstadtian. They’re going to be scolded and told the moral of the story in unnecessary detail. The chapter is going to end in a passage about what Barblatts-or-whatever the Anemo Archon thinks about rowdy children who behave like this.

The giggles won’t stop.

Diluc’s face has gotten almost as red as his hair.

Head Maid Adelinde is standing under the tree, hands akimbo, expression very stern.

“And what are you doing up there exactly! Get down now!!”

Diluc grabs Kaeya, paralyzed.

“We can’t -- She can’t catch us -- We weren’t supposed to --!”

“You’re going to be fine,” Kaeya shrugs with a smile.

“Get down here!” The Head Maid demands. “Now! Master Crepus welcomed you into his home and you’re stealing from him! And what example are you setting for the young master!”

“See,” Kaeya smiles brighter. “You’re fine.”

Diluc shakes his head. 

“I’m coming, Adelinde!” He yells and jumps off the tree.

He lands graciously, rolling over like a professional.

Kaeya follows him, but he’s dizzy, his head full of warm, cotton-like fog, and his limbs are all strangely wobbly, uncoordinated. He twists his ankle as he lands.

“Kaeya!” Diluc cries out. He rushes to him and grips his hands. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Kaeya says. He doesn’t cry. He’s never cried from ordinary physical pain. Besides, the strange brain fog numbs it too.

“I’m sorry!” Diluc cries as if it’s actually his fault.

“Master Crepus is waiting for you in his study,” Head Maid Adelinde tsk’s her tongue. “I will send for someone to look at your foot.”

“Let me carry you,” Diluc says.

Kaeya stares at him.

“I can walk by myself.”

“No, you’re injured! You need help!” There are tears in Diluc’s eyes ready to spill.

“...Okay.”

Diluc drapes Kaeya’s arms over his shoulders, grabs him under the knees in a ridiculous approximation of a piggyback ride, and says:

“Hold on to me.”

Kaeya doesn’t say anything, focused on the mane of fiery hair currently pressing into his face. It’s warm and slightly sweaty where it’s been touching Diluc’s neck, and it smells like Diluc. He tucks his face into it and holds on.

Kaeya misses the moment they enter Master Crepus’ study, too preoccupied and too dizzy. Diluc lets him down as carefully as he can muster.

Master Crepus puts away the stack of reports he was browsing and looks at them. He sighs. Then he sighs again.

“Father, I --” Diluc starts but immediately falls silent under his father’s disappointed gaze.

“Kaeya, I must admit I did not expect you to become a thief.”

Kaeya wants to shrivel like a fruit forgotten on its stalk and disappear. He was supposed to be accepted into this family and be a good, loyal, obedient ward. He wasn’t supposed to give up his homeland’s salvation for a chance to play with Diluc’s hair. He wasn’t supposed to fail this badly, this miserably and for what --

“It was my idea!” Diluc exclaims, head raised high. He’s still holding on to Kaeya, shielding him.

“...Diluc?” Master Crepus raises his eyebrows, incredulous and as if a bit amused. Diluc has never spoken back to him, ever.

For a second, Kaeya stares at Diluc too but immediately schools his face into an unsurprised expression. If Master Crepus notices anything he doesn’t let on.

“I-I told Kaeya I wanted to try the wine! I’m sorry, Father!”

Master Crepus looks at him, then at Kaeya, then at Diluc again, face as unreadable as before.

“I’m a grown-up, am I not? I was accepted as a Knight of Favonius!” Diluc continues. Kaeya pinches him before he overdoes it. “Therefore I am allowed to try grown-up things. So I wanted to try it.”

Master Crepus sighs. He rubs the bridge of his nose.

“You should have just asked me.”

“I --”

“You shouldn’t have made Kaeya steal it for you. This kind of behavior is not befitting of a Knight.”

“I understand, Father. I’m sorry.”

“You ought to apologize to Kaeya, not me.”

“Kaeya, I’m -- Please forgive me!! What I did was very wrong!”

Kaeya stares at him. It’s truly impressive how earnest he looks. If he didn’t know what really happened, he’d believe Diluc was the real mastermind.

“I forgive you,” he finally says.

Diluc beams, as if he didn’t expect this outcome, and hugs Kaeya, the force of it almost knocking him off his feet.

“Ouch,” Kaeya says softly, leaning into Diluc’s arms, taking the weight off his injured leg.

“I will never do that again.” Diluc tucks his face into Kaeya’s shoulder.

“Why did you do this?” Kaeya whispers into his ear. “You didn’t have to take the blame, I did do it all on my own and --”

“I promised I’d protect you,” Diluc whispers back, lips warm against Kaeya’s cheek. “Didn’t I? Besides, you did steal it for me. So it’s only right.”

Kaeya doesn’t respond at first.

Diluc has promised him many things. Ever since Kaeya got here Diluc has been with him, explaining the language, the customs, the unspoken rules, including him in his games and later -- in his training. He’s fought other children for Kaeya’s sake, and he’s fought the few members of the staff who didn’t get it that they’re supposed to treat Kaeya as a member of the family even when Master Crepus isn’t looking.

Kaeya always assumed that’s how anyone would be if they were raised in love and prosperity -- easygoing and in love with the whole world, heart open for everyone, even for Kaeya. He never thought it would last. But now, for the first time, he feels like maybe there’s more to Diluc.

Did Diluc really mean it when he said he’d protect Kaeya? Would he defend him from anything, even his own father who was entirely right to scold Kaeya right now?

Does he mean everything he says to Kaeya?

Will he stay loyal to him and defend him no matter what happens, no matter what unspeakable deeds might Kaeya have to commit later?

“Thank you,” Kaeya says into Diluc’s shoulder.

“You’d do the same thing for me, wouldn’t you,” Diluc says easily, a smile in his voice.

And the thing is, Kaeya would.

Before, he was confused, torn between his duty and what his heart ached for. Mondstadt is beautiful and welcoming and full of sunlight (and smiles brighter than the sun), but Khaenri’ah depends on him for its survival.

Now he knows, he knows what he would do as surely as he knows that his place is by Diluc’s side.

II.

The second time, Kaeya is fifteen on the cusp of sixteen.

Diluc was appointed Cavalry Captain a few weeks ago, the youngest to gain that rank in Mondstadt’s history. He accepted the congratulations with fiery eyes and bright smiles, sucked up the praise like a tender sapling sucking up water in the middle of a vicious drought.

Kaeya was appointed a quartermaster, his second in command, the youngest to achieve that title as well. He’s aware that it’s mostly so that the universally cherished young master Ragnvindr doesn’t throw a tantrum and his father doesn’t even consider stopping his very generous donations to the Ordo. But the politics of it don’t bother Kaeya as long as they mean he gets to stay by Diluc’s side.

And he does get to.

But what’s even more important, he gets to share his workload. Boring patrols, hilichurl camps, foreign diplomats who need help finding their way back to the hotel, lost pets, and Abyss Order attacks on civilians, and even hours upon hours of filling out paperwork that no one will ever read -- Kaeya stays with Diluc through it all.

He’s promised he would.

They’ve promised each other.

Still, Diluc barely has time for Kaeya. He’s invited to meetings that are too important and confidential for Kaeya to attend. He has to help with the Winery business in ways that only the heir can. He’s constantly approached by young maidens and their parents desperate to marry their daughter off to such a fine (and rich) gentleman, he’s even stalked by some of the bolder ones.

And Kaeya has duties of his own: training, even more boring patrols, more training, helping train others, helping the staff around the Winery. He is almost as busy as Diluc, and doing a different thing half the time so all he can do these days is watch from the sidelines as his favorite person in the whole world grows into himself, into this role he has now. All he can do is watch Diluc disappear into his job and networking events and late-night shifts he’s not supposed to take, the kind of shifts that no one would dare give the famous Diluc Ragnvindr, except he takes them himself. No one questions it but no one knows just how desperate he is to prove he’s worthy of the title; no one but Kaeya.

His ambition burns bright, too bright, and Kaeya feels like it’s going to leave him burned out, hollow and charred. He feels like he’s losing Diluc and it’s not to a Khaenri’ahn plot that he could thwart or a business meeting he knows how to navigate, no, it’s to Diluc himself and his inability to stop in time -- and that one quiet late-autumn evening he decides it’s enough.

He grabs a bottle of wine from the Angel’s Share backroom. The wine is called ’Summer Breeze’ and it’s a good semi-dry red that he knows will be missed so he leaves the money on the counter for Charles to find later (and hopefully assume he’d sold the wine and forgot about it).

He finds Diluc in his office at the Ordo Favonius headquarters. He’s hunched over a pile of parchment scrolls, running his hands through his hair, messing it up until it sticks out in odd directions. He’s huffing annoyedly. It must be budgeting season for the Cavalry because Diluc’s facial expression suggests he’s dealing with math -- and he’s never become better at it, not since he was ten.

Kaeya leans on the door watching him.

“Hey,” he draws out in a voice he knows always gets everyone’s attention.

Diluc looks up. There’s despair in his large, owlish eyes that are now red-rimmed and drooping.

“Look what I got?” Kaeya demonstrates the bottle that glints enticingly in the candlelight.

“Kaeya, you can’t just…” Diluc rubs his eyes, sighing.

“Come on, let’s have some fun! Those reports or whatever can wait.”

Diluc stares at him.

“The night is so beautiful! You’re missing out on so much!” Kaeya walks over and grabs his arm. “Come on. I’ll help you with these in the morning.”

“No, you won’t.”

“I promise! When have I ever broken a promise?”

Diluc stares, his gaze unreadable.

“Never,” he admits, deflating.

“Then let’s go?”

“Please, hide the wine,” Diluc hisses.

“Whatever.” Kaeya laughs. Diluc glares but his expression soon devolves into a fond smile. He never stays mad with Kaeya for long, not over anything.

They take two horses and ride up to the top of Starsnatch Cliff where the air is filled with the sea breeze. Even the late autumns in Mondstadt are warm. For a second, Kaeya’s mind goes back to the deadly, stifling chill of his forsaken homeland, the chill that used to seep into his bones no matter how many rags he wrapped himself in. Thank gods he’s not there anymore.

The breeze is gentle, carrying with it a smell of salt and algae, and the sky is clear above their heads, the river of stars sparkling serenely, azure and purple and silver. Diluc’s eyes are bright as he watches the stars. There’s a tiny smile on his face. This is exactly what Kaeya wanted to see.

“See?” Kaeya says, his own smile threatening to split his face in half. He spreads his cape on the ground and sits on it. “I said it’s going to be fun.”

Diluc huffs and shakes his head, but Kaeya knows him well enough to tell he’s secretly happy. He’s just too embarrassed to admit it, he always is.

“Come here,” Kaeya drags him down and hugs him from the side. Diluc turns away, watching the lights flicker on a lone ship heading toward the horizon. His smile is tiny but brilliant, contagious. It’s like he’s an eleven-year-old kid again, showing Kaeya around Mondstadt for the first time. It’s like they’re careless children playing around unburdened by what may lie in store for them.

Kaeya unscrews the bottle.

Diluc scrunches his nose. Somehow, despite being the son of the wine industry tycoon, unparalleled in all of Teyvat, he doesn’t like alcohol that much.

“What? It’s the best wine Angel’s Share has to offer.” Kaeya pouts defensively.

“Did you steal it?”

“No, of course not! I paid! I’m offended you think so poorly of me.”

Diluc levels him with a stare.

“Okay, that was one time ,” Kaeya rolls his eye. “Want a taste?”

“...”

Kaeya shrugs. He swallows a mouthful, the taste rich and sweet with just a hint of bitterness that makes it good, makes it titillating. A warmth spreads down his guts.

He drinks some more. He can handle alcohol much better now than the first time he tried it. He wipes his lips and passes the bottle to Diluc when he notices him looking at his face too intently.

Diluc stares at the wine, then at Kaeya, then finally accepts the bottle and sips its contents gingerly. Kaeya wants to say how they’re basically kissing through the bottle, ha-ha, but he doesn’t, afraid to spook the wondrous moment away.

“Oh, come on,” he laughs instead. “It’s not poisoned.”

Diluc shoots him a glare but drinks some more, licking his lips deliciously when he’s done. The wine has painted them a vivid, captivating red.

Kaeya takes the bottle back, suddenly in urgent need of something to cloud his mind with.

“Can we hang out like this more?” He asks when he’s done and there’s less than half of the wine left now. He’s warm and tingly all over and suddenly he’s brave enough to do anything, even speak what’s truly on his mind.

Diluc looks at him as if taken aback.

Kaeya can’t help but pout. He’s missed being alone with Diluc so much, just them and nothing else. He knows all the reasons why they can’t go back to that, but maybe… They can find new ways to stay inseparable forever?

Diluc is still looking at him. His expression is wistful again.

“We have duties,” he says carefully. “You’re a Knight too, you need to take that a little more seriously --”

“I miss you though,” Kaeya whines, his chin pressed to Diluc’s shoulder. Their faces are very close, too close. Kaeya could lick his ear if he dared. Diluc is so warm; his skin, flushed red, is radiating heat Kaeya can’t help but lean into. “You never have time for me anymore. It’s like… It’s like you don’t value me anymore.”

“Kaeya, you know that’s not true,” Diluc cuts him off with a huff.

“But you never even -- We don’t even hang out, like, ever anymore.”

“I… I miss you too,” Diluc finally admits, his voice very small. He turns away, sulking like an owl with its feathers ruffled up. “Sometimes I want to… No, it’s stupid.”

“What is it?” Kaeya draws out, his face practically pressed into Diluc’s neck. “Spill your secrets, Master Diluc! What is it that you want? Do you want me ?”

“Shut up.”

“Ooooh!”

“Sometimes I want to elope with you,” Diluc says, a bit too fast. His voice does not waver but his face is so red it could put his hair to shame. Kaeya can see it shine like a ripe tomato even in the dim starlight. He’s always so easy to fluster, really a disadvantage for a formidable knight. Perhaps he should wear a mask. “I want to go somewhere far away and just -- live peacefully, you know. Just the two of us at the edge of the world.”

Kaeya says nothing. All the teasing remarks he’s prepared are forgotten.

Eloping together with Diluc is something he’s always wanted to dream about, but never dared. It would be perfect, the two of them, together, away from Mondstadt, from the Knights, from Khaenri’ah’s schemes and plans, from anyone’s expectations of them. Fighting monsters together, or farming land, or starting a small wine business, whatever they want -- it would all be perfect.

“What’s stopping you?” Kaeya whispers. He knows, he knows, and yet --

“I have a duty. I swore an oath.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

He truly does, unfortunately.

“But what if we…” Kaeya says then, not quite believing his own audacity. “What if we make Mondstadt so safe it doesn’t need us anymore? Can we elope then?”

“You would want to?” Diluc’s voice is strained.

“Of course, I would.”

“You’re just drunk.”

“I’m as sober as a -- hick!” Kaeya hiccups and burps.

Diluc rolls his eyes.

“I want to elope with you!! I swear! I’d do it in a heartbeat if only you’d fucking ask!”

“Language.”

“Luuuuc!” Kaeya presses his face into Diluc’s shoulder. He’d cry if he knew how to.

“I guess we could,” Diluc finally says. “But then it wouldn’t really be eloping, would it?”

“Yeah, I guess it’s not fun anymore. Still, what if we work together and --”

Diluc turns. His hand is on Kaeya’s cheek, warm and calloused. Kaeya falls silent, startled.

Their faces are too close, closer than they’ve ever been.

Diluc freezes as if unsure what to do next and Kaeya stays still as well. He wouldn’t want to spook him, to make him flee like a wild bird. From this distance, he can see the stars reflected in his dark red eyes. He can see the wine glistening on his plump, rosy, slightly parted lips. He can see Diluc looking at his lips, with an expression like the one he has when he’s preparing to run into battle.

Fuck it, Kaeya thinks. I live only once. In fact, Khaenri’ah might attack Mondstadt tomorrow and we will both die. This life we dream of might never come true so who cares.

And so he presses his lips to Diluc’s.

He knows, in theory, what kissing is. He’s read all about it, and he’s heard other recruits gossip in the barracks and share stories of their conquests. He’s even fantasized a bit. The problem is that this is Diluc. They’ve known each other longer than Kaeya has known anyone else. Diluc is his best friend, his guardian, his guiding light, his sworn brother.

And that might very well be all who he is to Diluc: his brother. Nothing more, nothing less.

Kaeya freezes up, mortified that he’s ruined everything good in his life. He’s suddenly too sober, head clear and ears ringing, eye scrunched tight, thinking only about how he’s never taking this back, never fixing this, he can’t go back to how things used to be, and what if he’s misjudged what Diluc meant, what if Diluc sees him as a huge, irredeemable pervert now, what if he kicks him out, and Kaeya’s all alone again and wouldn’t he deserve that, oh he totally, most definitely would --

“I’m sorry,” he squeaks and pulls away. He swallows a mouthful of wine, too much of it, and it spills all over his shirt, gets into his nose, and he snorts, coughs, heaving, miserable and broken.

He moves to run away, to disappear into the night that he once came from.

“Wait,” Diluc grabs his hand. “Kaeya, I --”

He sounds frantic. His eyes are huge, searching Kaeya’s face.

“Do you --”

“You --”

“No, you go on.”

“Kaeya, can I kiss you?”

“Uh,” Kaeya is still frozen, not quite comprehending what’s going on. “Yes. Yes, uh, please, uh, shit --”

Kaeya doesn’t get to blabber anything else. Diluc kisses him, and it’s as awkward as the first time: lips slotted clumsily together, wet and soft and delicious. Diluc’s fingers brush through the short hairs at Kaeya’s nape -- the gentlest, most reverent touch. Diluc’s eyes are screwed shut so Kaeya closes his eye too, focusing on his other senses as Diluc’s hands travel lower -- over his throat, his clavicles, his chest where his nipples are way too sensitive even through the thick fabric. He feels an emotion he can’t name, can’t express in human words, fill his chest. It makes his heart flutter like a panicking bird and his head spin.

He opens his mouth, unable to do anything else. Diluc sucks at his lower lip. Of course, he’s a natural talent at this, of course, he is. He’s insistent, his hands circling Kaeya’s waist.

Has he been secretly dreaming about this too?

Kaeya’s head is spinning so much he might pass out from shock.

This can’t possibly be happening, this can’t possibly be real. Good things do not happen to Kaeya. They do not. He’s a sinner, a filthy abomination, he does not deserve anything good and he’s already gotten too much: the Ragnvindrs’ warm home and warmer smiles, them treating him like family, the food they’ve given him, always delicious and fresh, the clothes, as good as Diluc’s, warm and comfortable and stylish, the love, unconditional and boundless, and now this. It’s got to end because the retribution will only be worse.

And yet, no divine intervention comes, the skies are clear, Celestia as dark and distant as always, and the sea is tranquil under the ghostly moonlight, the Abyss still buried underneath. Diluc’s arms are encircling him, tight like a vise, like Diluc is afraid he might run away. He’s lapping at Kaeya’s mouth, their noses bumping together, moaning impatiently, desperately. Kaeya sags into his embrace, loses himself in it. Diluc is always hot to the touch, a side effect of his Vision, but right now he’s burning up like Kaeya is sitting next to a red-hot furnace -- except, perhaps, it’s Kaeya’s own unabated emotions turning a late autumn night into a sweltering summer day? He doesn’t know anymore.

He kisses Diluc back, feverishly, with no finesse. He climbs into his lap until their bodies are slotted together as seamlessly as their lips, inseparable in a completely new way. He kisses along Diluc’s jawline, nuzzles the skin under his ear.

Diluc growls as he tries to get his hands under Kaeya’s clothes, hindered by all of those buttons and laces of his vest.

“I want you,” Diluc mumbles, more of a growl as if he’s trying to intimidate the vest into compliance.

Kaeya laughs, giggles, a sound so uncharacteristically blissful he startles himself.

He’d happily spend the rest of his life like this.

Maybe, they don’t need to elope.

Maybe, they can carve a quiet life for themselves here in Mondstadt.

Maybe, Kaeya does deserve something good to claim as his.

III.

The third time, Kaeya is seventeen.

It’s been almost a year since Diluc left town. It’s been almost a year since Master Crepus died, almost a year since he tried to tell Diluc the truth.

It’s been almost a year since Kaeya was appointed the new Cavalry Captain. He was not the youngest nor was he approved of by many (although he only got the second part from accidentally overheard whispers; they all smile to his face). The same whispers theorize what happened between him and Diluc exactly, so endlessly curious and so, so wrong -- they all think it was over inheritance and simply can’t decide who’s the greedier one between them.

Jean and Varka like him, however, and that is enough. He’s a Captain with a cavalry to lead and a salary that’s enough not to starve.

He’s spent that year working: digging up and exposing dirt on the higher-ups that wanted to cover up Master Crepus’s death, weeding out the corruption and negligence from within the Ordo Favonius, training new, better knights, convincing older knights to believe they have a purpose and not just a day job. Everything that Diluc was supposed to do. Everything they were supposed to do together. Everything they swore to do to make Mondstadt so safe it would need them no longer -- except the oaths and promises of a monster do not mean much to those blessed by the gods.

But Kaeya doesn’t dwell on things like that, and overall, it’s been going great. He’s a natural at these things, Jean tells him before she tells him to take a break -- a bit of advice he promptly ignores.

And he’s a natural at other, less savory things too. During this past year, he’s lied his way to the top of the Treasure Hoarder network in Mondstadt and murdered their leader, he’s cleared out entire Abyss Order hideouts, using his intimate knowledge of their tactics, smiling charmingly and eviscerating everything in his path. He’s had to do those things -- well, someone has to, and it’s better if it’s Kaeya than anyone who still has a pure heart, -- but the truth is, he’s also felt really good about them.

He’s been making Mondstadt safe in all the ways he knows.

The problem is, something has been happening lately that is just a bit out of his grasp.

It’s a beautiful night, a few weeks after the spring equinox. The city should be quiet, everyone trying to get a bit of rest once the Windblume Festival is over -- but it’s not.

The Abyss Order has been strangely active and it’s active in strange ways. They assault travelers and lovesick teenagers who dare to step outside the city walls after dusk. They murder cattle and leave their mutilated bodies scattered on the fields around Springvale. They even dare attack the knights out on patrol.

People are worried, all kinds of rumors brewing in the kitchens and by vendors’ stalls and behind taverns. Those rumors twist into more and more bizarre scenarios with each retelling. People say that Varka is unfit for his position. Others say all of the Knights are useless, undertrained, understaffed, lazy drunks. There are even those who think someone’s helping the Abyss Order, not the knights, perhaps, but maybe -- the Fatui? It’s all spiraling too quickly out of Kaeya’s control, and as much as he does believe his men are the best protectors Mondstadt has, they are not ready to deal with whatever this is.

And the Fatui are indeed very sketchy. What are they even doing in Mondstadt if not something nefarious? And who’s better to side with when you’re a sketchy foreigner with nefarious plans if not the Abyss Order, right. Right?

This has got to be building up to something even bigger, Kaeya knows. It’s what he would have done: destabilize the city with random attacks, make the Knights spread too thin across the unprotected lands, destroy morale and make the people so suspicious they turn on each other. Strike the final blow when the city is at its weakest.

Normally, Kaeya would take a small group of knights and go investigate, but the problem is you can’t exactly investigate the Fatui. At least not the way Kaeya usually does it. They have diplomatic immunity, and weapons far more advanced than anything Mondstadt has, and on top of that Mondstadt’s economy hinges on being able to sell wine to Snezhnaya. With Inazuma closed off, an embargo would surely kill it.

It’s become glaringly obvious that Kaeya’s usual way of doing things is not enough. He has to remember the other things they mentioned might become a part of his mission in Mondstadt and start really playing dirty.

So, that one beautiful late-spring night, he does not wear his turtleneck when he goes out. He leaves most of his white shirt unbuttoned and wears the leather pants that haven’t fit him for three years -- they hug his ass accentuating everything.

He goes to Angel’s Share. He’d love not to be there ever again, not to see Charles’ face, full of silent worry, but he knows it’s the tavern that Oleg, the unpleasant Fatui diplomat who must know at least a part of what’s going on, frequents.

And as expected, the man, tall and balding, with a large, ugly mustache, is sitting by the bar, ogling the waitstaff.

Kaeya sits next to him, one stool between them, leg over leg, back arched alluringly. He acts as if the man is not even there.

“One Death After Noon, please,” he tells the bartender (thankfully, today it’s not Charles). He ignores it when the man to his left says:

“Let me pay for that.” He moves closer, no distance between them now. “Hey, pretty,” he says, leerily. “Are you here alone?”

“Mm-hm.” Kaeya still mostly ignores him, eye trained on the wall in front of him. He can feel the man’s stale breath on the side of his face. His heart is beating like it’s about to explode. He’s got this, he’s fucking got this. He has to do this for Mondstadt’s sake, for what he promised to achieve.

“How come such a pretty boy is all alone here?”

Kaeya gulps and almost spits his drink out.

“Well, maybe I haven’t found anybody to accompany me,” he says carefully.

“You -- and can’t find anybody! I don’t believe it,” the man says. “You must have girls vying for your attention!”

Kaeya shrugs, gaze averted mysteriously.

“What, you don’t like anyone, huh?” The man smiles knowingly. “You like men, right.”

Kaeya shrugs again, but smaller this time, a tiny smile on his lips.

“Come on,” the man says, his smile self-assured and crooked. He puts a hand on Kaeya’s thigh. It’s heavy as he rubs his thumb over Kaeya’s skin through the too-thin fabric of his skin-tight pants, and it takes everything not to squirm. “You want this, don’t you?”

The man wedges his hand between Kaeya’s thighs, kneading the flesh there mercilessly. Kaeya stifles a grunt and downs the rest of his drink. The man watches him, his expression smug.

Kaeya more than anything wants to punch him and run away, but instead, he gives him a sultry sideways glance and says:

“Can I get another glass?”

The bartender nods and his expression suggests he finds nothing wrong with this. This is probably a regular occurrence. Good. Makes it easier.

The man, expression even smugger, drives the heel of his palm into Kaeya’s groin.

“Relax, kitten,” he smirks. “Stop playing so hard to get.”

“I’m relaxed,” Kaeya smiles at him. It’s the kind of smile he knows does not look strained.

“You’re eager for this, huh? You little slut.” The man digs his fingers into Kaeya’s groin, massages his balls through the fabric.

A pleasant smile still plastered on his face, Kaeya turns to face the man, his legs spread wide.

“I don’t think they allow this kind of behavior here,” he says easily. The bartender has slipped him another drink and he’s sipping it, alluringly, twirling the glass in his hand.

The man snorts.

“Let’s go somewhere else then, huh.”

Kaeya smiles back shyly, but with a hint of mischief. He finishes his drink in one large gulp, alcohol finally starting to get to his head. He’s warm and tingly all over, and the man, Oleg or whatever, finally looks bearable. He could even ignore the mustache.

“What makes you think I want to go anywhere? I like it here,” he says, a playful lilt to his voice.

The man moves closer still. There’s a smirk on his face as he looks Kaeya over, a kind of hunger deep in his watery pale gray eyes that makes Kaeya suppress a shudder.

“You do want this,” he states quietly, too close to Kaeya’s face. “You’re so desperate for a strong, capable man to take care of you.”

You’re hardly strong or capable, Kaeya wants to say. He doesn’t. Instead, he smiles again. The alcohol has definitely made it easier.

“You’re so perceptive.”

“That I am. Come on, boy.”

The man pays for their drinks and gets up from the stool, his hand on Kaeya’s hip.

Outside, the man’s hands find their way under Kaeya’s shirt. They’re large and calloused, too-long nails scraping against his skin. If Kaeya closes his eyes, he can perhaps imagine that those hands belong to someone else --

No, no, no, no, no.

He’s not doing that. He does not need that. Those memories are better left forgotten, at least for now.

Head blissfully empty and smile bright, Kaeya turns, leans into the man’s chest, kisses him -- the man is too tall and he misses his lips on the first try, his mouth ending up on his chin instead, flabby, and stubbly, and covered in warts. The alcohol almost rises back up in his throat.

The man grunts appreciatively and grabs a handful of Kaeya’s hair, angling his head for a proper kiss. His mouth should taste of alcohol, shouldn’t it, but somehow it tastes sour and disgusting. Kaeya squirms, involuntarily, against his own better judgment. He should be good at this, this is important, Mondstadt’s survival is at stake, and besides he knew it would be like this, he never expected anything better, he’s braced himself for this situation exactly, so why --

The man’s grip on his hair tightens, almost to the point of pain. Kaeya opens his mouth to let the invading tongue in, drapes his arms around the man’s torso. It’s not that hard. All he has to do is give in to the warm, cotton-like fog in his head and act pliant and eager, and just a little bit shy. The less he thinks the better.

“Is there… Do you have wine at your place?” He asks. He’s not quite drunk enough.

“Uh… Sure.”

They go back to the Goth Hotel, the Fatui guard at the door clearly used to Oleg bringing back half-undressed young men as he barely spares them a glance. The room he stays in is large and ostentatiously ornate. The oak wood desk is covered in papers: maps, plans, schematics, lists of items to be bought or sold. Kaeya would need to take a closer look once the man is sated and asleep.

“I have wine somewhere around here,” the man says as he rummages around a cupboard. His back is turned to Kaeya and that means he can look around some more. He notices a Cryo gun propped against a wall and a Snezhnayan communication device -- he has no idea how those work so it’s useless. There’s a stack of papers on the floor that he would need to check too.

“Ah!” The man takes out a bottle of Summer Breeze.

Kaeya keeps a neutrally amused face.

“Great!” He says.

He’d rather not associate the fragrant wine with this moment, but he’d also rather not experience this moment without enough alcohol clouding his mind. So when he’s handed a glass, he takes it and drinks all of it all while looking up at the man he’d rather not see with a flirtatious expression.

“Come here,” the man insists. “I’m not waiting forever.”

Kaeya smiles. He sets the empty glass aside and steps back, letting the moonlight fall on his features in a way he knows makes his hair glow like lamp grass, and unbuttons his shirt. It slides from his shoulders sexily.

The man tugs his own clothes off and grabs his hair again, kisses him possessively as he pushes him toward the bed. The bed creaks in protest as the man climbs on top of him, too heavy, too smelly, too focused on pulling Kaeya’s pants off -- at least halfway, he doesn’t need more, Kaeya’s comfort does not concern him.

But it’s easy enough when he’s drunk, Kaeya quickly learns. Almost bearable. Would be perfectly bearable if he dared to drink so much he’d pass out.

He finds the maps and the plans in the morning, while the Fatui is snoring loudly, carelessly just a few feet away. He memorizes them and takes down a covert operation trying to awaken an ancient evil just off the coast.

He gets drunk almost every night after that.

IV.

The fourth time, Kaeya is twenty-one.

He gets drunk almost every night now. This is the only way he can handle the Knights with their self-assured inanity and the monsters, ten times smarter, always lurking in the dark, always close enough to strike. This is the only way he can handle the nights he has to trick a new target into revealing their secrets and the much worse, lonely nights where the bottle is his only company and the only thing standing between him and thinking about all the ways he’s fucked up.

It’s fine, really.

As long as he can get up every morning and look fresh and energetic, it is fine. As long as his swordwork stays precise and deadly, and his mind unclouded and sharp when he needs it to be, it is fine.

It is fine and then it isn’t: Diluc comes back. Kaeya learns about it from Sara, who’s heard from Blanche, who’s heard from Adelinde who’s come to buy extra supplies for the wayward young master (well, he’s the master now, Kaeya will have to get used to that). His first instinct is to run back to the Manor, which he knows is not the Ragnvindrs’ anymore, then he wants to run to the Winery -- but he knows he’s not welcome there either, he knows. Best case scenario Diluc’s staff has been warned not to open the door for him.

His second instinct is to at least write a letter. But then -- what would he even write? “Hi, I’m still here despite you explicitly telling me to go the fuck away, do you still want to kill me”? No, he’s not doing that, thanks.

His third instinct is to go to Angel’s Share as soon as he’s done with his knightly duties that night and get blackout drunk. So he does exactly that.

Thankfully, Diluc is not there, but for once, the main topic of everyone’s conversations is not some overblown adventure tale or the rumors about the political situation in Inazuma, or even the usual Ludi Harpastum drama. Instead, everyone is gossiping about the Winery Master’s mysterious travels. Kaeya keeps ordering Death After Noon until he can no longer make out the words.

He repeats it for three more days. On the fourth day, this brilliant plan backfires. The tavern is packed like it always is, but there’s no gossiping today, everyone pretending like they’re not at all curious about the very person standing behind the counter.

Kaeya freezes by the door. Six-Fingered Jose is right behind him, blocking the exit, thrumming the strings of his guitar with abandon, and Kaeya can’t run away and never return, not discreetly at least.

Their eyes meet and Diluc freezes too, a cocktail shaker in hand.

He hasn’t changed much in these four years away. The mane of unruly fiery red hair is the same, and so are the intense eyes piercing right through Kaeya’s very soul like the eyes of an angry bird of prey. His shoulders are broader now though, and there’s a lingering world-weariness that was never there, shining through his eyes, seeping through the cracks when his façade of professionalism slips for a fraction of a second.

The truth is, a part of Kaeya didn’t believe he’d come back.

On some days, he thought Diluc had long since made a new life for himself somewhere far away. That he has left behind everything bad, everything Kaeya, and started anew. (Like they wanted to. Funny, huh).

On other days, he thought Diluc died alone in some monster-infested ruin or a hilichurl camp, or even a Fatui ambush. He was always prone to run headfirst into danger, after all, and he had no one to watch his back now.

Now Kaeya hates that Diluc just stands there like nothing has happened, like Kaeya hasn’t spent countless nights thinking if he should follow his tracks -- to learn just how much he is not welcome or to bring a body home to bury alongside his father. He hates that Diluc doesn’t seem to care at all. His expression is neutral, his smile appropriately mild, his appearance so stunningly refined it’s almost otherworldly, a living reminder of everything Kaeya has lost, has destroyed with his own hands.

He hates it so much he realizes he can’t just let him be. He can’t disappear into the night like he’d wanted to. So he approaches, climbs onto the barstool closest to Diluc, and stares directly into his still politely neutral face. There’s not even a hint of surprise at Kaeya still being in Mondstadt, no hint of anger that consumed him on the night they went their separate ways, no hint of joy or regret. There’s nothing .

“Hey, Diluc, long time no see! How was your trip? Did you have fun?” He asks, vitriol seeping into his every word despite his best attempts to conceal it.

Diluc levels him with an unimpressed glare and continues mixing the cocktail.

“Aren’t you going to hug your brother hello?”

Diluc’s face doesn’t change. It doesn’t even twitch.

“We’re not brothers,” he states levelly. He puts the shaker on the counter a bit louder than he should -- the only give-away of his annoyance. So he doesn’t want to make a scene.

“Ow, I’m hurt.” Kaeya has no such scruples. He makes a point to be loud, pressing his hands to his chest in an exaggerated expression of heartbreak. He can hear the conversations die out around the tavern as everyone stills to listen to what he says next.

Finally, Diluc’s brow creases.

“What do you want from me?” he asks. His voice is deeper than it used to be, and it’s so cold, like they don’t know each other, like they didn’t use to lie together every night.

Kaeya shivers.

“Your best wine, for starters, and then we can talk --”

“That will be four thousand mora.”

“For the talk?”

“For the wine.”

“Ouch.”

“If you don’t have the money, then get out.”

“You’re still so quick to get rid of me, Master Diluc. I do have the money though. Here you go,” Kaeya smiles his worst, fakest fake smile as he places the pile of coins on the counter. “You can count it if you don’t trust me.”

Diluc doesn’t reply.

His upper lip is twitching as if he’s holding back an insult.

The tavern is completely still, even the bard has stopped playing his stupid song.

Diluc says nothing in the end and his expression stays pointedly, aggressively neutral as he opens and places a bottle of wine in front of Kaeya in a way that doesn’t require him to come too close.

“Thank you,” Kaeya says, the fake smile still on his face. It hurts his facial muscles. His eye is burning.

He pours himself the wine. It is the best kind, Diluc didn’t lie at least. The wine is fragrant, with a strong flowery taste. Drinking it feels like Kaeya is running through a blooming field.

It should feel good.

It should not feel like another bitter reminder of days long past, it shouldn’t feel like a slap in the face.

“So are you staying or will you run away again?” He asks. His speech is slurring, and it’s too early for that -- except it’s not the wine, it’s the emotions cramping up his throat. He swallows them down along with more wine.

Diluc doesn’t respond.

“Hey, now you’re not even talking to me? I’m right here!” Kaeya whines but it’s more of a hiss.

Diluc glares at him, and there’s something -- tired in his expression? Like maybe he’s already moved on, forgotten Kaeya like a lackluster paragraph in a long and grand story of his life, and now he’s displeased to be reminded he exists at all.

And it hurts even more.

“Ah --” Kaeya opens his mouth to say something nasty when a hand slaps his ass. He turns.

It’s Wolfgang, the shepherd from Springvale who’s also secretly a renowned treasure hoarder, the current ringleader of their Mondstadt branch. He thinks Kaeya hasn’t caught on, so he keeps bringing him to his secret hideout full of maps, and records, and plans. Kaeya very much likes it that way.

His hand is on Kaeya’s right buttock, and there’s a hungry gleam in his eyes.

“Hiii?” Kaeya draws out. He catches Diluc’s hand twitching from the corner of his eye and turns to face Wolfgang fully, bringing him closer by his belt. Wolfgang is short, his thin face covered in smallpox scars. Kaeya would not look at him twice if didn’t have to. Of course, he’s a bit too stupid to figure that out, very happy to fuck Kaeya senseless any chance he gets.

Even now he wastes no time stepping into Kaeya’s personal space, a faint rotten smell emanating from his unbrushed teeth. One of his hands is still on Kaeya’s ass like it’s glued there, while the other slips under his jacket.

Diluc coughs behind them.

Kaeya ignores him. He kisses Wolfgang’s unpleasantly sweaty neck.

Diluc coughs again.

Wolfgang turns to him.

“Do you have a problem?”

“This kind of behavior is not welcomed in this establishment,” Diluc says, face unreadable.

“He’s lying,” Kaeya chuckles and puts a hand on Wolfgang’s hip to divert his attention back to him. “They welcome all kinds of behavior here.”

“Then what is this about?”

“Today’s bartender is a bit of an insufferable prude. You wouldn’t believe it, would you. Anyway…”

Kaeya thinks he hears Diluc huff and turn away.

He grabs Wolfgang’s lapels and brings him closer for a heated kiss. Wolfgang is a moron and boring to talk to, and doesn’t shower enough for someone who spends most of his days around sheep, but he’s full of invaluable intel to share and he’s better than other men Kaeya has to deal with. He’s much gentler for starters.

“You pay and get out.” Diluc snaps. “Now.”

It is not unusual for people to kiss in the tavern, in fact, it’s what most people do here, unless their sole goal is to pass out in a puddle of their own vomit. So when Diluc gets visibly mad, fuming, the whole tavern turns. Some people snicker, some start talking in hushed whispers. Kaeya picks up ‘after their break up’ and ‘oh, the poor boy has been absent for too long’ --

Before Diluc brings a beer mug down on the counter with a clang and everyone shuts up. Wolfgang jumps away. Diluc’s face is still blank, but his eyes are dark with something Kaeya has never seen, and he shivers, startled. Maybe he misjudged this.

Maybe Diluc hasn’t moved on.

Maybe he still hates Kaeya, despises him with every fiber of his being.

Kaeya doesn’t know why the fuck it hurts as much as it does. He should be long over it by now, shouldn’t he? A part of him always knew Diluc would hate him. And he’s had four fucking years to accept it as fact, so why the fuck does he feel like he expected a happy reunion?

All he can think about is that there was a time, the years after he first arrived at Ragnvindr Manor when he didn’t understand what people meant when they told him that it’s good to be a kid, that they envied him. Children are weak and powerless, he thought back then, stuck in a frail body, dependent on others, useless. Children can’t fight alongside adults, can’t protect their home. The most he could do as a child was being left in a foreign land to await orders. He was not even old enough to know what the plan was.

Now he’d give anything, including his life and his home, to go back to that age, to play with Diluc in the sunlit fields around the Winery, to fish together, to spar, to read stories of grand adventures. To never know what loneliness is again.

Unfortunately, that’s not something he can do.

So he snorts, places his empty wine glass on the counter, takes the bottle, and says:

“Are you going to drag me out by the collar again or will you at least allow me the dignity to walk with my own two feet?”

“...”

“Let’s go,” Wolfgang says. He might be stupid, but he knows when he’s gotten in over his head.

But Kaeya isn’t done here.

He can’t let this go.

He can’t look at Diluc and see someone who hates him so much he won’t even bother to kill him. Someone who won’t even fucking end this whole nightmare. Someone who won’t even spare him a glance.

“Yes,” Diluc says, deadpan. “Leave.”

His face is unreadable, eyes cold and full of contempt -- and he was never cold, Diluc was never cold, not even on that night when everything ended, when he drew his sword with his face contorted in rage; he always burned brighter than the sun, and his smile used to be the brightest when he looked at Kaeya.

Wolfgang is tugging at Kaeya’s sleeve, and the whole tavern is watching, and Diluc’s eyes are cold and his hand is under the counter, probably reaching for his sword.

Kaeya huffs and turns to leave, his hands in Wolfgang’s pants.

Diluc does not stop them. And why did Kaeya even expect him to? Why does his weak heart keep expecting things?

As soon as they’re outside, Kaeya kisses Wolfgang again -- but the man pushes him away with a hand on his chest.

“What was that?” He demands.

“What do you mean?” Kaeya retorts dismissively. He needs to have a tongue -- or perhaps something else -- shoved down his throat right now.

“Do you two have history?”

“Pffft, forget him. He has always been a killjoy.”

“Do you?”

“What are you, jealous?” Kaeya can’t help but scoff. Did he really fail so badly that Wolfgang -- or anyone -- could assume he’s ever been or will ever be tied to one person?

“...”

Kaeya kisses him again, aggressive, desperate, like a man starving or drowning or somehow both. He shoves Wolfgang until he’s pressed to the wall in the alley behind the tavern. The alley is dark, the smell of piss permeating the air. Just what he needs right now.

Kaeya slips to his knees.

“Oh fuck,” Wolfgang exclaims, nervous instead of aroused, before Kaeya even manages to undo his pants.

Kaeya turns.

It’s Diluc standing disconcertingly close, looking at them.

Kaeya stands up.

“What now?” He snaps. “I left. I left. What else do you want?”

“You fuck off,” Diluc tells Wolfgang, and the man doesn’t need to be told twice. He bolts and disappears into the night.

“What the fuck?” Kaeya shakes with rage. “This isn’t your property! I’m not breaking any fake rules of yours! Can I do what I want?”

Diluc just looks at him, that same neutral expression on his face. Kaeya hates it. He hates it the most. Why can’t Diluc react in some way? Even the blind rage was better than this.

“What?” Kaeya asks again, his hands balled into fists so Diluc won’t notice he’s trembling. “Fucking leave me alone!”

“ Kaeya, ” Diluc looks strained. “You and this man, I keep seeing you with these men and --”

“Did you follow me to watch me? Didn’t take you for a fucking creep. Huh. Interesting. Truly interesting.”

“No, I… I don’t think this is good for you --”

“I don’t remember asking for your approval, Diluc.” Kaeya does his best to make the name sound like the insult it’s become.

“I’m not judging -- I’m --”

“It’s none of your business who I choose to sleep with.” Kaeya turns to leave.

“Kaeya, you can’t -- It is my business! You’re tolerating these disgusting scumbags because -- what?” Diluc looks at him, and there's finally an emotion on his face, even if Kaeya has no idea what it is. “You… You think there’s no other way to get intel?”

Kaeya snorts.

“You think you’re saving me. Is that what’s going on here?”

Diluc freezes like a startled doe.

“Do you think it was better tolerating you?” Kaeya snorts again, louder, a brittle sound too close to hysterical laughter. “I had to count in my head to distract myself from having your crooked little dick touch me.”

All color drains from Diluc’s cheeks. He looks like he’s been slapped -- like he’d prefer being slapped.

Kaeya laughs. He’s shaking. He’s finally getting a reaction out of Diluc! He’s finally getting somewhere!

“Do you think I didn’t hate every second of it? Of your sweaty palms on me, I can still fucking feel them, and I shudder, I shudder when I think what would have happened if you’d never fucked off and I had to sleep with you every day of my life, you disgusting little creepy piece of shit --”

“I --”

In the end, Diluc doesn’t say anything. He stands there with a neutral expression but his face is white as snow. He might be shaking as well, Kaeya can’t tell and it’s not like he’s looking.

“You’re pathetic,” Kaeya spits out and walks off.

For some reason, it doesn’t feel good.

He got a reaction like he wanted, but what’s the point? Why did he think it would make things easier?

He ends up going to Cat’s Tail that night and drinks so much he does not know how or why he ends up waking up in a camp near the Thousand Winds Temple the next morning.

But if he thinks about it, it’s really fine. It’s not like anything changed.

V.

This time, Kaeya is twenty-two.

It’s been half a year since Diluc returned and resumed his life as if nothing had happened. He runs the Winery like the remarkable businessman he was always supposed to be, he tends the bar at Angel’s Share at least once a week, and he runs those cute little night errands which nobody except Kaeya has somehow connected to him.

He ignores Kaeya decidedly.

And honestly, Kaeya is perfectly happy about that. What is there not to be happy about anyway? A part of him has always known whatever he used to have with Diluc was temporary. That this -- existing in the same town, seeing glimpses of each other at street corners or across a crowded tavern -- is still way more than he deserves.

It’s all fine, and he’s feeling much better than he used to, knowing that at least Diluc is alive.

It’s all fine and then comes the day of the reception at the Goth Hotel that the Snezhnayan delegation is organizing. It’s allegedly to establish trade and cultural connections between the nations but Kaeya knows that something else must be going on -- isn’t it always -- so he shows up, dressed in his flashiest, most revealing suit.

He plans to get so wasted he can’t stand straight and then to crawl into the lap of the closest Fatui official (or perhaps every Fatui official in turn), to forget himself, smothered with their rough, unrelenting affections. But before he can do any of that, he notices a group of them gathered around Diluc, watching on like vultures as he drinks a shot of the strongest Snezhnayan firewater toasting to this or that.

It’s a tradition. You can’t deny a Snezhnayan toast, it is rude. You have to touch glasses with every drink, toasting to everyone’s health, and success, and whatnot, until everyone is too drunk to notice you’ve stopped doing that -- and Diluc knows it better than anyone. Teyvatian festive traditions have been drilled into him since he was a child.

He downs a second shot and the Fatui officials cheer, their hands on his back. The thing is, as much as he might know, this Diluc is very different from his easygoing, exuberant self that left Mondstadt on that stormy night never to truly return. Kaeya is not sure this Diluc knows how to form a full sentence, let alone chat his way out of this. He’s either going to get hurt or murder someone and both outcomes are very, very bad.

So Kaeya steps closer. He’d love to be in this situation, and he’d love to be in the situation that will inevitably follow, judging by the men’s hungry stares trailing up and down Diluc’s body, but he’s sure Diluc wouldn’t. He’s sure Diluc doesn’t even understand what’s going on. His eyes are already unfocused, jaw slack, and he doesn’t question it when somebody puts another shot of firewater into his hand.

“Hey,” Kaeya slips into the group of men. He grabs Diluc’s hand to make sure he does not collapse or wander off anywhere. “How’re you all doing?”

The men do not look very happy but they also seem enthusiastic enough about the prospect of fucking him as well, so they take their eyes off Diluc for a second. One of them even puts his hand on Kaeya’s lower back.

That’s when Diluc retches.

“Shit, sorry, gotta --” Kaeya grabs him but he’s not fast enough.

Diluc projectile vomits on the closest man’s pristine light-blue vest.

“Sorry about that,” Kaeya says quickly. “Let me take care of him. Come on, Master Diluc --”

“Hey!” The man says.

Another one tries to stop them.

Diluc doesn’t seem to realize anything happened, looking in front of him with glassy eyes and still smiling politely.

A waiter is hurrying their way with a towel. Several guests have turned around to watch the show. It’s all about to turn into a huge mess that will reflect on the Dawn Winery and Mondstadt as a whole very poorly, Kaeya knows for a fact. He knows how those Fatui fucks twist everything for their propaganda.

“Please excuse us, he will compensate you for this,” he exclaims and drags Diluc away before anyone intervenes.

He finds a young man in the hall dressed in the hotel uniform and asks:

“Is there a room Master Ragnvindr can stay in? He is not feeling well.”

Diluc confirms his words by attempting to puke into a flowerpot and Kaeya has to shake him like a naughty cat.

“He already has a room booked,” the young man says with concern on his face. “Does he need a doctor? I can fetch someone.”

“No, he’s going to be fine. Can you give me a key to his room?”

“He, uh… How do I know it’s okay to leave him with you?”

Don’t you fucking know who I am? Kaeya wants to ask. But then, he’s gotten a lot done by having people conveniently forget he’s a knight, that he’s anyone of importance at all. So maybe it’s better to leave it that way. Who knows what else he might have to do in this place.

“I’m his brother.”

Diluc shakes his head vigorously.

The young man looks doubtful.

“By adoption. I am.”

Diluc continues shaking his head.

“This is not the time, you can’t even stand without my help, can’t we argue semantics some other time --”

“No.”

“Please don’t mind him, I need to get him into bed before he embarrasses himself -- Fff!”

Diluc tries to shush Kaeya and instead sticks a finger in his mouth. Kaeya spits it out and grabs Diluc’s hands before he does anything else, pressing him into a hug. The other man staggers and plants his face into Kaeya’s shoulder, leaning into him with all his weight, probably smearing vomit onto Kaeya’s very nice, very expensive vest.

“Here’s your key,” the young man squeaks. He clearly has no desire to deal with this anymore.

Kaeya takes it without any witty remark, too focused on keeping Diluc upright.

“Third floor, down the hall,” the young man offers before disappearing.

Kaeya sighs.

“Come on, Master Diluc. You’ve got to move. I’m not carrying you.”

“Why?” Diluc mumbles into his shoulder. “Aren’t you strong enough…”

“???”

Diluc doesn’t expand on that statement. He seems to be falling asleep standing up.

“Come on,” Kaeya cajoles. “Move your feet. One foot after another. Come on, I know you can do this.”

“Mmmh!” Diluc protests, still nuzzling his shoulder.

“I don’t fucking have all night here.”

“Please, can you carry me.”

“???”

Diluc doesn’t seem to find anything wrong with his demand.

“Oh, I wish somebody else was here to witness this, Master Diluc. I wonder what you’re going to say in the morning.”

Suddenly, Diluc jerks. His expression is almost lucid.

“Is anyone else here? I can’t… I have important business contracts, I have to be proper --”

“You already failed that. Relax. Elzer’s dealing with them over there.”

“Oh. Oh, good then.” Diluc is staring at him with an expression so open and earnest that even the putrid smell coming off his lips can’t stop Kaeya from standing face to face with him. When else is he going to hold Diluc like this. When else is Diluc going to be so cute around him.

It’s almost like they’re children again, like nothing has happened and they’re working together to take down a Fatui conspiracy like they were meant to be (like Kaeya dared to believe they were meant to be).

“What’re you smiling at?” Diluc scowls.

“You, you dummy.”

“Why?”

“It’s just… You’re just so cute.” Kaeya sighs. “Come on.”

Diluc frowns, confused.

Is he really not going to move?

“Fine,” Kaeya sighs.

Thankfully, Diluc grew up to be shorter than him. He throws his arm over his shoulder and drags him up the stairs making a point to be as clumsy and indelicate as possible.

In the room, a surprisingly lavish one even for someone of Diluc’s status, Kaeya sits him down on the edge of the bed and extricates himself from his grabby hands. He throws his now stinky vest onto the floor, then finds a washbasin, a towel, and an ewer of water and brings them back to Diluc, who’s still sitting where he left him, trying to untie his ascot tie with uncoordinated motions.

“Look at me,” he says and brings a wet towel to Diluc’s face.

“Pfff!” Diluc protests.

Kaeya has to hold him still by his chin.

Diluc’s eyes are enormous and intense, almost black in the darkness of the room, glinting like agates. Kaeya feels chills run down his spine under his scrutiny. How drunk is he really? Is he faking this, Kaeya thinks for a second. No, Diluc would never allow a moment of weakness and humiliation like that one downstairs. Besides, Kaeya is touching him and he still has both his hands so he must be completely out of it. It was wishful thinking assuming otherwise.

Suddenly, Diluc grabs his hand and brings it to his lips. He presses his lips to the inside of Kaeya’s wrist but doesn’t do anything else, still watching him.

Kaeya stills.

He’s not sure what he’s supposed to do here.

Finally, he realizes Diluc is not going to do anything else, and that perhaps he has no idea what he’s even trying to do, so he frees his hand to put the towel away.

“Please, stay with me,” Diluc pleads as if Kaeya is going to disappear by stepping three steps away. His speech is slurred and incoherent, his voice needy and whiny like a kid’s.

“And what if I don’t want to?” Kaeya draws out in that voice that normally has Diluc humph and storm off.

“Why?” Diluc asks instead.

There are approximately a thousand things Kaeya wants to say to that, ranging from spiteful to mocking to deeply hurt.

“…What if I just don’t?” He asks in the end. There’s no point trying to have a serious conversation with someone who can’t even wash his own face. He won’t remember anything in the morning, and all the insults, all the old wounds reopened with a rusty knife, all the reminders of broken promises would be for nothing.

“I’ve got no one else,” Diluc argues, a pout on his lips. He looks ten years younger, tiny, and lonely. Kaeya can’t help but feel a twinge of remorse in his heart.

“Come on, stop being so dramatic. You’ll go back to pretending I don’t exist in the morning.”

“No, I won’t.”

Kaeya chuckles despite himself. It’s a very nice thing to hear even if he knows it’s not what Diluc is really thinking. He’s probably so drunk he doesn’t realize who he’s talking to.

“Can you stay with me? Please?”

“Well, I guess I have to. Come on, let me help you with that,” Kaeya swats Diluc’s hands off and unties his tie in a few swift motions. After all, he’s done this at least a thousand times before.

Diluc grabs at Kaeya’s shirt enthusiastically.

“Nope. That’s staying on. You’re the one we’re getting to bed.”

Diluc doesn’t comprehend what he’s saying, judging by his perplexed expression, so he goes for the shirt again.

“No. Stop.”

Diluc pouts.

Then he finds Kaeya’s belt.

“Nope! Fuck, what the fuck. Hey.” Kaeya takes both of his hands in his. “You need to behave. You need to listen to me and --”

Diluc closes his eyes and leans forward, almost falling over, his face planted into Kaeya’s chest, his breath ticklish.

Kaeya rolls his eye.

Of course, Diluc is too drunk to even sit straight. What was he even expecting here?

Sighing, he lays him down on the bed and starts to unlace his shoes.

Diluc stirs, mumbling something incomprehensible, trying to reach for Kaeya with his hands. Kaeya takes his shoes off and flings his feet back onto the bed.

“Here’s the basin if you need to puke. Water is on the nightstand. Now please go to sleep,” he says.

“Why aren’t you joining me?”

Kaeya freezes. How does he even answer that?

“I’m… I’m not sleepy? I’m going to sleep at home? I’m...”

“Kaeya, sleep with me.”

“I think you should stop talking.”

“Why?”

Is Diluc finally going to murder him in the morning? Or is he going to level him with his coldest glare and never say a word to him again? Is there a difference?

(There isn’t.)

Kaeya sighs. Someone should probably stay with him to make sure he doesn’t choke on his own vomit at least, and it’s better if it’s Kaeya than someone with an ulterior motive, but…

“You will regret it,” he finally says. When you realize this is me, he doesn’t add.

Diluc sits up. His hair has slipped out from its tie, a disheveled mane like an ardent red halo around his head.

“You don’t want to be in the same room as me, do you?” He says, a realization on his face. “You… I disgust you.”

“I… That’s not what’s going on here. Sorry, I’ve got to go.”

“No! Wait!” Diluc tries to get off the bed and instead almost falls, his foot caught in the puke basin.

“Please, calm down. You need to sleep this off and then we’ll talk -- if you’d still want to.”

“No! Don’t leave me!” Diluc cries like a child. Like a very spoiled, impossibly annoying, and yet somehow endearing child.

Fuck.

Fucking fuck.

Kaeya can’t leave him like that, can he?

Diluc will probably run after him and injure himself. Or worse, he’d run into some of those Fatui officials again.

Kaeya sits by his side. He even takes his hand, runs his fingers over his palm in calming circles -- his skin is so rough and calloused, scars running too deep, crisscrossing.

“I’m not leaving, are you happy? Can you go to sleep now?”

Diluc doesn’t respond, staring at their hands, his mouth agape.

“Diluc?”

“Kae -- Ghhh!” Diluc retches again and Kaeya barely manages to maneuver his head so it lands in the basin still by the bed.

“Are you done?” He asks after Diluc has retched a few more times. He’s holding his hair and it feels weirdly intimate.

“I’m… Thank you… for staying with me, for…” Diluc tries to hug Kaeya again, and he barely manages to avoid that, grabbing the towel again. Diluc slips to the floor, looking miserable and confused, hunched in on himself.

Kaeya wipes at his face. Then he quickly braids his hair into something that’ll survive till morning.

“Hey. Diluc, please. Come here.” Kaeya tries to physically drag Diluc back onto the bed while the other man flails and wiggles like a cat. “Do you need water?”

“I’m sorry,” Diluc sobs, his face in Kaeya’s lap. “Can you…” he hiccups. “Is there a chance you’ll ever forgive me? I’ll do anything, I swear, anything… I’m so sorry.”

“…” Then Kaeya finally grows bold enough. “Do you even know who I am?”

“No,” Diluc admits, seemingly even more heartbroken.

Huh.

Interesting.

Then Diluc continues:

“I used to think I know. You’re Kaeya. My best friend. My only friend. My lover. My… But I don’t know how much of that was true. And I… never even asked.” Diluc stares up at him, blankly, eyes unfocused and glimmering, overbrimmed with unshed tears. Then he retches.

“No, nope, no, stop that,” Kaeya grabs his shoulders and points his head to the basin. “There.”

Diluc doesn’t puke. Instead, he dry heaves a few times and turns back to Kaeya, expression devastated.

“You despise me, don’t you?”

It would be very easy to say yes right now. But something in Diluc’s expression tells Kaeya that maybe it’s not just the alcohol talking, maybe, just maybe there’s hope for them… And if he’s careful, maybe they can talk once Diluc is sober and break through that wall of betrayals and misunderstandings... And wouldn’t that be proof enough that Kaeya does deserve something good? That all this suffering and all these sacrifices were not in vain?

“No, I don’t,” he says and it comes out much easier than he expected. “Do you still need to puke though?”

“...You don’t despise me? You -- Kaeya, I-I --” Diluc’s voice is nasal in a way it hasn’t been since he was a child who had not yet learned that crying does not befit a knight. It does something to Kaeya’s heart that he very much does not welcome.

“You either puke or you lie down,” Kaeya says, ignoring everything else. “Come on.”

Diluc just stares at him blankly.

“Kaeya, I…”

“You’re very sorry, I got it, now please sleep this off.”

“No, you don’t… you don’t get it, you don’t think I’m sincere, do you…”

There’s a lot Kaeya could say, but the other man is quite literally crying while puking. So in the end he sighs:

“I do think you’re sincere, now please calm down and go to sleep. I'm not having this conversation while you're drunk.”

Diluc pouts.

Then finally, finally he gets up on unsteady legs and climbs into bed. But instead of lying down like Kaeya has been begging him to, he climbs into his lap and hugs him, limbs wrapped around him like the tentacles of an especially annoying sea creature.

Kaeya takes a deep breath.

“You’re not letting me go, are you,” he mumbles into Diluc’s tousled hair. It still smells the same as it used to.

“Mmm,” Diluc growls in affirmation.

“Okay. If you try to murder me in the morning I’ll remind you that this was all your idea.”

“I won’t,” Diluc assures him, as vehement as he used to be way back when.

“Sure you won’t,” Kaeya snorts lightly. “Now lie down, will you?”

“Mm-hm,” Diluc hums and still refuses to move.

“Diluc, please. I can’t sleep with you. I still have things to do at the reception, those Fatui diplomats --”

“Fuck them.”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I was going to do and now you ruined my best clothes --”

Diluc’s head snaps up.

“No,” he says firmly, his grip on Kaeya tightening like a vise. “You’re not doing that!”

“Yeah, I got that already. No need to rub that in.”

That seems to be enough for Diluc to calm down and he settles peacefully, still in Kaeya’s lap. Dislodging him does not look like a viable option, so Kaeya kicks his shoes off and climbs up on the bed until he can lie down in relative comfort. Diluc tucks his face into the crook of his neck and seems to fall asleep instantly.

It looks like they’re finally settled for the night even if the situation is not ideal. Then Diluc stirs again.

“Is my dick really that crooked?” He mumbles.

Fuck.

“...No.”

Diluc doesn’t seem convinced judging by the way he tenses up.

“It’s fine, Diluc. It’s a perfectly lovely dick. I’m sorry I said that.”

“Mm-hm?”

“I like your dick. I miss it. Okay? Are you happy now?”

“That didn’t sound very sincere.”

Fuck. Fucking fuck. Kaeya really should’ve kept his mouth shut. And it’s been a year. Has he been thinking about that offhand remark for a year?

“Diluc… Are you sure you want us to be talking about your dick…”

“Yes.”

“I just said that to hurt you because I was mad, I didn’t really mean it. Okay? You have an amazing dick. It’s both pretty and you use it well. I didn’t lie just now when I said I miss it. I haven’t felt as good with anyone else,” Kaeya startles himself with an overly honest reply. He shuts his mouth and just prays to all gods, known and unknown and long since fallen, that Diluc is too wasted to remember this in the morning.

The other man hums contentedly and seemingly falls asleep.

Kaeya sighs, running his hand over Diluc’s back. What the fuck did he just get himself into.

The next morning, Kaeya wakes up with an unfamiliar weight on top of him. It almost makes him jump up in a panic before he remembers where he is and what happened last night. This is Diluc. It’s fine.

No, it’s Diluc . Diluc hates him. It’s very much not fine, he realizes belatedly and jumps up, trying to throw the other man’s limbs off himself.

Diluc, however, does not budge.

“Hey,” Kaeya coaxes, panicking a bit. “Please get off me. I need to leave, I have work, and --”

“Mmm, no,” Diluc hums and tightens his grip on Kaeya’s waist.

Fuck.

“Diluc, please…”

Suddenly, Diluc wakes up and stares at Kaeya with sleepy, half-lidded eyes.

“Kaeya?” he says, confused.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Kaeya tries to scramble but it only makes the situation worse as he accidentally rubs their dicks together. He oh ’s and stills, petrified. Then Diluc gets off him like he’s been burnt. He stares at himself, then at Kaeya, then at himself again, horrified and confused. Well, at least, he’s not angry, Kaeya thinks as he tries to get away as quickly as possible.

His shoes ended up under the bed and his vest is too dirty to wear, and he’d need to do something about how rumpled his shirt is, but not until he escapes this fucking room --

Perhaps, he should leave the town altogether. Perhaps, living the rest of his life as a goat herder in Sumeru would be a great idea. Or maybe he should just fling himself into one of those icy ravines up on Dragonspine. Or maybe --

“Kaeya…”

He turns, expecting the worst.

“Kaeya, I’m… I’m sorry.” Diluc looks devastated, not just hangover -- actually broken, as if something horrible happened.

“Uh?” That’s not what Kaeya expected to hear. “It’s fine.” It doesn’t matter what’s gotten into Diluc, he’s not in the mood for a fight, he just needs to get out of here and then he’ll deal with whatever this is.

“No, I’m sorry… I’ll…”

“It’s honestly fine. Forget about it.”

“I took advantage of you again. Of your kindness, of --”

“Diluc.”

So that’s what he fucking thinks happened here?

“Please shut up for a second.”

For once in his life Diluc does the smart thing and shuts his mouth. Still, he looks like a kicked puppy.

“You got drunk on Snezhnayan firewater last night. I had to drag you here and stay with you to make sure you don’t fucking die. That's all that happened. No need to thank me.”

“I’m --”

“Now, I’ve got to go --”

“Kaeya, wait,” Diluc grabs his hand but doesn’t do or say anything else. He just sits on the bed, expression confused and tortured like he’s dealing with the worst math problem of his life.

Kaeya holds onto a snarky remark, waiting, hopeful against all hope.

“I remember a lot of what I said last night,” Diluc says hesitantly. “I think. I might have only dreamed about it though… But is it true that you don’t hate me? Is there a chance we can fix this somehow?”

Kaeya sighs.

“Look, I really do have to go now, but there’s more water over there. And I will order some food for you on my way out. Come find me once you’re feeling better and we’ll talk properly. I promise.”

He leaves the hotel to wash off and report to Jean, to find out what he’d missed, but he’s not running. No, if Diluc doesn’t contact him, he will do it himself.