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Remus inhaled deeply as he stepped outside of the club and into the fresh air. He nearly sighed of relief as the sickly-sweet smell of spilled alcohol and sweaty bodies was replaced with cold air, notes of fresh grass and cigarette smoke wafting deliciously towards him.
“We always end up here, don’t we?” mused Remus aloud, looking backwards to see his fellow escapee breathing in deeply, a look of contentment on his face that Remus imagined matched his own.
“We certainly do,” agreed Sirius, his mouth quirking upwards into a playful smirk as he grabbed Remus’ hand and led him over to their usual spot. Away from the rest of the smokers and drunken couples making out against the side of the building, the pair sat around the corner on a quiet ledge. Remus pulled out a small tin package and opened it, holding a thin rolling paper out to the boy sitting beside him and taking one for himself, as well.
They rolled their cigarettes in comfortable silence, fulfilling a routine that seemed to happen every time they went out for a night of clubbing with their friends. Inevitably, sometime around 2:00 in the morning, their eyes would meet in the crowded club, and one would slightly nod their head towards the exit before turning and slipping outside, not saying a word or even waiting for the other the follow. They didn’t need to.
Remus brought his rolled cigarette up towards his lips and reached back into his pocket, fishing around for a light. He huffed slightly in frustration and next to him, Sirius couldn’t help but chuckle in amusement. The other boy reached into his own pocket and quickly pulled out a light, offering it to Remus with a teasing smirk on his face.
Rolling his eyes, Remus accepted the gesture and lit his cigarette before reaching over and doing the same for Sirius’. Their eyes met as Remus flicked the lighter with his thumb, breath catching slightly in his throat as Sirius leaned in closer, the cigarette hanging from his mouth. Remus eyes flickered downwards towards said cigarette, pretending to watch as he lit the end, in reality allowing himself a moment of indulgence watching the soft pink lips of his best friend, puckered slightly, with just a hint of a smirk at the corner.
The moment was over as quickly as it came, and Remus recognized, as he always did, that it was no longer acceptable for him to be staring at his best friend’s mouth. He leaned back in a practiced, casual way, taking a deep drag on his cigarette and turning his gaze towards the night sky. In the core of London, you couldn’t quite see the stars like one could in the rolling English countryside, where Remus had grown up. He spent a lot of time stargazing as a child, pouring over the bright dots in the sky and using his finger to draw over the constellations he was able to spot. Now, the fingers of his left hand dusted over the rolled cigarette in his mouth, while the fingers on his right hand fidgeted absentmindedly. He’d never been good at staying still, anxiety thrumming through his veins like an old acquaintance that had overstayed their welcome.
They sat in a comfortable silence for quite some time, puffs of smoky breath exhaled into the cold night air the only sound between them. Oftentimes, words simply weren’t necessary between Remus and Sirius. Having grown from boys into men together, sharing years of adventure, mischief, and love – alongside the pain and fear of living through a war – Remus didn’t think there was anyone in the world who understood him quite like Sirius Black. Sure, it hadn’t just been the two of them, James and Lily were there, too, and for a time, Peter. But with Sirius, it was different. They each knew a deeper level of pain, an indignance against the harsh realities life had handed them, and somehow this drew them to one another, crafting a level of understanding that was startlingly raw and achingly honest. And so, as they did nearly every Saturday night sometime around 2:00 in the morning, they found solace in one another’s company, words unneeded to make them feel at home.
Eventually, Remus reluctantly took a final drag of his cigarette before stubbing out the ember end on the concrete beside him. He glanced over at Sirius, who’s own cigarette was close to its end but still hanging between his fingertips as the boy stared at it absentmindedly.
“Perhaps we should head back in, Pads,” Remus said with a melancholy smile, not quite ready to go back into the club, but devoid of a valid reason to stay outside, just the two of them, any longer. Sirius just sighed in response, making no move to stand up even after several seconds had passed between them. While silence was normally comfortable between the pair, Remus realized quickly that this silence had thickened with words unsaid hanging heavily between them.
“This – sitting outside with you,” Sirius started quietly, his eyes remaining focused ahead of him on the smoke wafting up towards the night sky. “Getting away from the world for just a minute and… and breathing. I…”
His eyebrows pushed downward for a moment, and Remus wondered if his confusion, and this uncharacteristically genuine monologue, was caused by too much to drink. Sirius’ words were not slurred however, and his eyes were bright, focused, as he turned carefully towards Remus and held his gaze.
“This has always been my favourite part,” Sirius said simply, his eyes filled with an emotion that Remus could not quite put his finger on, but stirred something deep inside him, nonetheless. He gazed over at this boy, his best friend for over a decade, and felt a familiar tug in his chest. Remus was past the point of lying to himself – he was in love with Sirius and had been for quite some time. When he had first arrived at Hogwarts, bristling with his own fear and loneliness, Sirius’ brash and unyielding personality had slowly chipped away at the walls Remus had built – not only to protect himself, but more importantly, to protect others. Sirius had taught him how to trust another to be his friend, and how to trust himself to be a friend to another. James and Peter had followed closely behind, and before Remus even realized what was happening, the trio of loud and mischievous boys had filled a void in Remus’ heart that he had always believed would remain empty.
As the years went on, it seemed as though Sirius had created a home in parts of Remus’ heart he hadn’t even known existed. What he felt for Sirius was something deep and profound, something he couldn’t imagine living without – even if he had to live with it silently, even if it hurt, achingly so, to watch his best friend go through lovers without a care. Remus had taken lovers before, but it was detached and lacking passion, his heart so filled with Sirius, the boy who would be waiting for him at home in their shared flat, that there was not a sliver of room left for another. He felt more connection and passion sitting quietly with Sirius at 2:00 in the morning outside of a club, sharing a cigarette and enjoying the cool evening air, than he had ever felt in the arms of another. It would be beautiful, really, what he felt for this whirlwind of a boy, if it wasn’t so heartbreakingly tragic.
But here he was, sitting in their spot, watching as Sirius' eyes moved cautiously over his face, awaiting a reaction. The emotion in Sirius’ eyes was as overwhelming as it was beautiful, and Remus wished, as he often did, that he could spend the rest of his days caught up in this swirling grey gaze that seemed to hold the world. He swallowed softly, unsure of how to respond to Sirius’ confession, and even more unsure of what it had meant.
As if sensing his confusion, Sirius continued, his voice wavering slightly. “Every time I sit here with you, it’s like I can finally let go and take a deep breath. You never expect me to be anything at all, you just take me for what I am. And that, Remus, that… it makes me feel so fucking whole. You… you make me feel whole.”
Remus held Sirius’ gaze, feeling confusion knit into his own features as his mouth fell open slightly. So many words filled Remus’ mind, so many confessions he wanted to make in return, but he was so scared. This fear, the fear of losing his best friend in the entire world, of confessing his feelings and having to watch as Sirius slipped away, had controlled him for so long. He was terrified, if he finally let everything slip, that nothing would ever be the same.
Nothing would ever be the same.
Wasn’t that what he wanted?
He loved being Sirius’ best friend, but he wanted – no, he needed – to be something more. He took in the boy sitting across from him, all leather jackets and beautiful long, black hair and honest to God rebellion just by existing and daring to be happy. He had never known someone so brave, so honest, so willing to take a risk for happiness even when he had been gripped by the fear inflicted by his family, a fear that ran so deep Remus could never pretend to understand it. But he realized, watching the boy across from him, that if there was ever a moment to be brave, ever a person worth being brave for, this was it.
“I’m in love with you,” Remus said simply, holding Sirius’ gaze as his heart picked up speed and his hands started to tremble. “I’m in love with you, and I have been for a long time.”
Sirius stiffened for a moment, searching Remus’ face as if looking for the answer to an unasked question. As if his confession wasn’t a clear enough answer itself. A moment of uncertainty seemed to stretch for eternities, Remus’ mind cycling through every piece of self-doubt and fear that it could possibly find.
Tentatively, Sirius reached his hand over to where Remus’ was resting on his thigh, lacing their fingers together. Both of their hands were shaking slightly, but Remus felt a warmth spread up from their intertwined hands to the rest of his body, filling every empty cavity of the broken boy with what felt like sunshine. Remus ran his thumb softly over the back of Sirius hand, feeling the rough but warm skin underneath and wishing he could hold onto this feeling forever.
Time seemed to slow down as Sirius brought his other hand up to rest carefully on the taller boy’s cheek. Remus leaned his face slightly into the touch, revelling in the way Sirius held him like he was something precious to be savoured and cared for. Their gazes remained entwined as Remus searched Sirius’ face for even a shadow of doubt. All he found staring back at him was a look of warmth and awe, as Sirius moved his own face closer still until Remus could feel hot, anxious breaths puffed out into the space between them.
Sirius squeezed their clasped hands tightly, taking a deep breath in. “I love you, Moony,” he breathed out, his voice barely above a whisper, the usual raspy baritone laced with a soft reverence, as if he could barely believe he was lucky enough to be able to say the words aloud.
Remus closed the gap between them without giving himself a moment to second guess, once again finding bravery in the boy across from him. Their lips met softly at first, slightly cold from the night air but warm with the love they had just confessed and had each held in their hearts for many, many years. Sirius moved his lips against Remus’ slowly and gently, caressing his cheekbone carefully with his thumb while his hand still rested on the other boy’s cheek. The kiss had none of the awkwardness one might expect from a first kiss: their lips moved together easily and seamlessly, as though they had met already in countless other lifetimes. Nor was there the urgency and desperation Sirius was used to experiencing in a kiss outside of a club late at night. Instead, they held one another with a soft and gentle passion, sure that this kiss had been meant to happen and equally sure it would happen many, many more times.
They pulled apart reluctantly, breathing heavily as Sirius rested his forehead against Remus’. His hand had moved to clutch the soft curls at the base of Remus’ neck as their fingers stayed intertwined below them. Remus let out a soft chuckle, trying to decide if he was surprised at how things had turned out or if, really, he’d always known this was inevitable. Sirius smiled back brightly, the same look of awe from earlier still etched on his face.
A loving gaze passing between the best friends as they caught their breath. Somehow, the past few minutes had changed so much, and yet it felt like hardly anything had changed at all.
“Actually,” Sirius started, a slight smirk forming at the edges of his pink lips, which Remus now knew were even softer than they looked, laughter dancing in those grey eyes that held the world. “I’d like to retract my earlier statement. This is my new favourite part."