Archive of Our Own

I want you now

Tomorrow won't do

There's a yearning inside

And it's showing through

Reach out your hands

And accept my love

We've waited for too long

Enough is enough

I want you now

My heart is aching

My body is burning

My hands are shaking

My head is turning

You understand

It's so easy to choose

We've got time to kill

We've got nothing to lose

I want you now

And I don't mean to sound

Like one of the boys

That's now what I'm trying to do

I don't want to be

Like one of the boys

I just want you now

Because I've got a love

A love that won't wait

A love that is growing

And it's getting late

Do you know what it means

To be left this way

When everyone's gone

And the feelings they stay

I want you now

(Martin L. Gore, Depeche Mode)

He makes it literally in the last second. The moment his knees hit the floor and his hands grab the toilet, he starts retching. Robert’s whole body is shaking from the painful contractions of his stomach. 

God, he hates vomiting. The last time he barfed he was somewhere in his twenties and sloshed. Now he is in his forties and nervous. Which is probably the understatement of the decade. 

Robert is terrified. 

Panting harshly, he stares at the remains of his poor lunch - Chili, of course, as if all of this isn’t bad enough, really! - and tries to get his breathing under control. His stomach is still cramping, which has him coughing helplessly. The stinging stench makes his eyes water. 

Maybe he should call it off. 

He could go to the nurse on duty and make something up, fake something… he could say he’s got a nasty bug. Surely they would isolate him and send him to the hospital wing then. Robert honestly considers this and rests his forehead on his arm. His skin is covered in a cold sweat.

“You finished?” The rough voice of the guard sounds from outside the door.

“Yeah,” Robert croaks out. “A minute please!”

You can’t even puke in peace in prison, how sad is that. He gets up on shaky legs, takes a few more breaths to gather strength and flushes the toilet. 

The last time he was that panicky was shortly before he got his verdict eleven years ago. Never ever would he forget that moment of utter horror and agitation, when he was about to lose the future he planned, the life he loved and - the worst of all - the people he loved. 

At least he didn’t vomit back then. Robert sighs and walks over to the sink to splash cold water in his face. His body is still trembling, there is a weird void in his belly and he feels alternately hot and cold. Grabbing the sink, he stabilizes himself and looks up in the mirror. His skin is pale, his lips are blue and the rings under his eyes are awfully prominent under the bright neon light. Mind you, he slept poorly last night, who can blame him. 

He should really call it off. 

No way can he face Aaron in a pathetic state like this. 

Why oh why did he send that visitor’s order in the first place? It’s most definitely Reginald’s fault. Robert curses himself for his own foolishness of listening to the older guard. What the hell was he thinking? This is a stupid idea. 

He’s gonna call it off.

Decision made. Robert lets out a long breath and after one last look into the mirror, he nods at himself, he turns around and opens the

door of his car. He gets out and stretches his legs, which feels incredible after being cramped up on his drivers seat for the past 6 hours. 

Aaron woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t sleep anymore. He went downstairs and killed some time with his videogames and yeah, his mum loves to tease him that he was still gaming like if he was a teenager - but right in that moment his hobby came in handy, because it helped him to take his mind off things. To stop the whirlwind in his head and his chest. 

He is going to see Robert. 

He is going to see Robert.

After a quick shower, he jumped into his car with a buttered toast between his teeth, and drove straight down to the Isle of Wight. He didn’t dare to stop anywhere, always fearing that he might end up stuck in traffic and then be late for the visiting time. 

He looks over to the prison building, huge and grey, with its high walls and barbed wire. Aaron has spent time inside himself, he knows the horrible feeling of being locked away, trapped, unable to look into the distance, to see nature. Unbelievable that Robert - his Robert - is in there for the past eleven years. 

His eyes start burning hot with desperate tears. 

It’s not fair. It’s not. 

They were finally settled, made peace with their pasts, were ready to have a second child - the future was happy and bright, filled with love and warmth. And then it got ripped out of their hands just like that. 

Aaron knows it doesn’t help cursing the past, thinking about all the what if’s, but sometimes he can’t stop himself. 

He closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths. He can’t change what happened in 2019, he keeps reminding himself, but he can control his future. His future with Robert.

As soon as Robert gets out of this shithole they’re gonna be together again.

There are moments of doubt, where he wonders if Robert still loves him after all this time. Aaron can’t honestly blame him, if he doesn’t.

Robert had this wonderful life ahead with Chrissie, his wealthy fiancé, flashy cars and suit-and-tie-events - how different would his life have been if he had stayed at Home Farm? Maybe Chrissie and the Whites would still be alive. Maybe that awful night in May 2019 would have never happened and Robert would never have hit a rapist called Lee Posner with a shovel. Robert could still be free, as the CEO of White Farming Machinery. 

But Robert chose him, Aaron Dingle, grump extraordinaire, emotional trainwreck, ex lag and occasional thief. It’s him who dragged Robert down into all this mess. 

Those thoughts eat him alive during his lonely nights. That overwhelming guilt.  

And yeah, there are moments where Aaron thinks, what if Robert regrets ever having said the words “I don’t want easy, I want messed up”?

He opens his eyes again, looks at the prison building, dismal and ugly, and clears his throat. 

Robert sent him that visiting order and Vic said he still loved him, so there is hope for a future together. And Aaron won’t give up on that until Robert looks him in the eye and sends him away for good, he thinks stubbornly. 

Maybe it‘s a selfish thought, wanting Robert back after everything, but Aaron can‘t help it. God knows he tried to cut off the feelings inside him. He did everything he could, drew back into his shell, threw himself into work until exhaustion. It made him numb, but it didn‘t make it go away. 

Eleven years. Fucking eleven years. And it‘s still there.

He looks at his watch and damn, he is two hours early! His fingers are twitching with the sudden need for a cigarette, a bad habit he got rid off decades ago. Putting the hands on the roof of his car and hanging his head between his shoulders, Aaron debates if he should drive to the next village or town and get something proper to eat. The problem is, he isn’t hungry. And he doesn’t wanna leave really. What if his car breaks down somewhere and he won’t make it back in time?

No risks, he tells himself, he’s going to wait here. With a sigh he opens the door again and slides back on the driver’s seat, drums with his fingers on his knees and bites his lip. His leg starts bouncing up and down involuntarily. Fuck, Aaron sucks at waiting and this is going to kill him. He switches the radio on, only to switch it off again two seconds later and pull his phone out instead. Listening to some catchy pop tunes is crushing him right now. It’s not only simply not compatible with his mood, it’s also reminding him too much of Robert.

Robert and his horrific taste in music. Robert and his infamous 90s playlists. Robert and his cheerful hip swing on a Sunday morning in the kitchen while making a full English. 

Aaron squeezes his eyes shut as hard as he can, but it’s not working like that, the image won’t disappear. Soon, he reminds himself, soon he’s going to see Robert again. 

He wonders how he looks like now. Aaron always thought that Robert would be one of those best agers, always naturally slim, always fit without really needing to work out. But Aaron also knows that prison does affect your body, it makes you age in fast motion. It’s not like it matters to him how Robert looks, he is just thinking about it. A lot. 

Also how he smells now. Aaron reckons he isn’t using his poncy shower gel behind bars. 

Aaron still uses it. 

Not straight after Robert went to jail. Back then he couldn’t face - or smell for that matter - anything that was connected to Robert. He packed all his belongings and put them into a container at the scrapyard. Throwing them away for good was never an option, but he couldn’t handle having the stuff at home. Every book, every piece clothing, every little gadget held too many memories, memories Aaron wasn’t able to deal with. So he tucked the things away and made sure they are safe and dry - waiting for the day of Robert’s return. 

It was maybe 11 months after Robert’s sentence when Aaron was searching for painkillers in his bathroom cabinet and suddenly the white bottle fell out and landed directly in front of his feet. Robert’s shower gel. That stupid gel that turned into foam on the skin that Aaron used to tease him with countless times but secretly loved. He took the bottle with shaky hands and opened the lid, despite knowing better. It almost tore his ribcage apart when he inhaled the scent of lemon and sandalwood. This was Robert’s smell and Aaron remembered burying his face in the crook of the warm and soft neck, remembered breathing him in and the feeling of being safe and home and loved and in love. 

He broke down on the small carpet between his sink and the bathtub, not being able to hold back the tears and he cried and cried until his skin was swollen and burning from the salt. Liv found him like that, probably hours later. 

He didn’t throw that bottle away, but put it back in the cabinet instead for some reason he didn’t even know. It took another year until he finally dug it out again, feeling ready now. And since then he’s used it, every day.

It’s like Robert’s with him in the shower. When he’s jerking off and coming under the hot spray, he leans his forehead against the cold tiles. The high of his orgasm is washing off quickly, it leaves him hollow and lonely. Fucking lonely. The hurt afterwards outweighs the pleasure he’s gaining from it, but he can’t stop it either. Aaron knows it’s pathetic and embarrassing. It’s just… it’s like Robert’s with him. If only for a few minutes. 

Letting out a long breath, Aaron leans back on his seat and opens Candy Crush. Just something dull to take his 

mind off things. He craves a distraction, anything. But not even Stephen King can keep his thoughts occupied today. Robert’s glancing up to the clock on the wall. Great, it’s exactly one minute later than the last time he checked. And it’s still one and a half hours to go until visiting time. 

One and a half hours until he sees Aaron again. 

He wonders if Aaron is already near the prison, wonders if his drive was okay, if he got here safely. 

He wonders which car he’s driving now.

The randomest thoughts are striking his mind and it’s driving him insane. He shuts the book with groan. Red will have to talk to Andy Dufresne another time again. It’s an old copy of the novel, the pages are already turning beige, the corners are tattered by now, but Robert loves it, cherishes it. Not only because of the spectacular prison escape of Andy - although that’s a pretty big plus of the whole story of course! - but Shawshank Redemption is also one of the few items he owns in here. It’s his and his alone. 

Robert loves the movie as well. Especially the last shot when Red finally meets Andy again on this beautiful beach with the white sand and the endless sea. This is freedom. 

Red’s face nearly split in two by the happy grin and then the two walking towards each other and hugging. As free men, after all those years of pain, fear and loneliness. 

Sometimes, during sleepless nights he fantasizes about how it would be if it was him and Aaron in that scene. He imagines himself free, seeing the horizon, seeing Aaron and then holding him, holding him forever. Robert knows it’s a cheesy fantasy, but nights in the cell get lonely and this is a moment of freedom, where he can almost taste it on his tongue. His mind can travel wherever he wants.

After thinking of all sorts of reunions it’s absolutely unreal that he is going to meet Aaron for real in - he checks the watch again - eighty minutes. Robert rakes his hand through his hair and watches the other inmates absently. Some are playing table tennis, others are standing around the table football, a few are playing cards or reading like him. He’s not the only one who keeps glancing at the wall, on visiting day there’s always a special tension lingering in the air. 

A person slumps down on the chair next to him.  

“Oh Lord, my back is killing me,” Reginald is groaning and wiping his forehead with a white hanky. 

Robert smiles at the guard, the only person he’d consider his friend in here. Reginald is sweating as usual, although the air-con is blowing way too cold and it’s actually more chilly than anything else in the common room. 

“Hi Reginald,” he says dutifully and gets a crooked smile in return.

“You look pale,” the old man says, not beating around the bush as always.

“Charming. You know the beds and the food are nothing like they promised in the advert. This hotel sucks, I want a refund,” he replies dryly and that gets him a laugh in return.

“It’s visiting day….”  Reginald gives him a pointed look and the undertone didn’t go unnoticed. Robert shifts on his chair.

“You aren’t allowed to talk to us like that,” he mutters, “better go back to supervising us low-lifes.”

The guard just keeps looking at him, incredibly calm, barely blinking. Robert clears his throat, not sure how to handle this. 

“He’s coming today, isn’t he,” Reginald goes on, either not getting the hint or simply ignoring it. Probably the latter.

Robert lets out a long and suffering breath. Nothing is a secret here, it’s so frustrating. Of course Reginald saw the name on the visiting order and realised that it’s not Vic. Robert has told him about Aaron briefly, not using the name, but the guard has seen the pictures in the cell during their regular surveys and now he was probably putting two and two together. 

“In all those years it was always just your sister and your mother…”

Stepmother, Robert corrects him in his head, but he doesn’t say it out loud. The thing is, he respects Reginald, he even likes him, which in itself is bizarre considering what they both are - guard and prisoner. But right now he is so on edge, he can’t talk with him about Aaron. 

If he’s opening his mouth now, he’s going to snap and say things he’ll regret later. 

He just grits his teeth and takes deep breaths. 

“It’ll be alright, Robert,” Reginald says quietly so that the others can’t hear him. 

It’s actually nice that he tries to somewhat comfort Robert when he sees him being in a state like this. It’s not like it is Reginald’s job to do that - in fact it is his job to keep a professional distance to the inmates. But still, Robert can’t bring himself to appreciate it now. 

“Don’t,” he presses out with a voice that sounds like broken glass. 

He doesn’t need this, empty platitudes to make him feel better, because Reginald can’t know if it’ll be alright. Chances are high that it will very much not be alright.

In his worst nightmare scenario they are sitting awkwardly at the table, facing each other in uncomfortable silence, because they don’t know what to say to each other, what to talk about. Sure, Aaron wrote in his letters, that he’ll wait for him and that he still has feelings, but what if he discovers how much Robert has changed in the past 11 years? It’s his biggest fear. He knows he’s not the same person anymore. He isn’t that smug, sarcastic, witty arsehole anymore, he isn’t that caring husband and father anymore. 

Robert doesn’t know himself who he is. Most of the time he is just functioning. Sleeping, working, eating, and repeating. There aren’t many choices here to branch out. 

What if Aaron just loves the man that he used to be and resents what he’s become? What if he is just some huge disappointment for Aaron?

What if.

He grips his legs so tight, his fingers are hurting and his thighs will most definitely bruise. 

And still, this is a pain he can handle. This pain inside is unbearable.

Robert wishes he had cancelled the visit today. As long as they haven’t seen each other, the magic is there, untouched. He is still the man Aaron loves. It’s like that bloody Schrodinger’s cat - as long as the box is shut, the cat might be alive. And now they are about to open that box in only seventy minutes and what if the cat is dead - so to say?

“Okay,” Reginald pulls him out of his downward spiral of devastating thoughts. “Got it. But you know, you can talk to me, yeah?” Robert swallows. “Or to one of the headshrinkers,” the guard adds with a small smile, “although those guys are weird. I’d talk to good ol’ Reg if I was you.”

Robert gives him a small smile, because the man seriously tried. He watches Reginald leaving again, leans his head back against the wall and stares up at the concrete ceiling. God, he hates the colour grey.

-    -

Right in the moment the door clicks behind him, Aaron feels claustrophobia gripping him with their ugly claws. He almost forgot how much he hates prisons, the haunting atmosphere behind the walls, the stale stench. His stomach turns slowly and excruciatingly.

He is waiting in line with other visitors for his security check. It’s like at the airports: empty your pockets and put it all in a box to be scanned together with all the metal items. Walk through the body scanner, get patted and get scanned again with a smaller handset. Aaron clutches his jaw tight and reminds himself to breathe deeply to keep himself under control. He understands the necessity, but hates the whole procedure nevertheless and it brings back all those horrible memories from 11 years ago. 

He hates it even more when that one guy takes the envelope he’s brought with him and opens it. Aaron is ready to jump forward and rip it out of the hands of the safety adviser, but a hand holds him back.

“It’s standard procedure,” the guard reminds him with a stern look. 

Of course it is, Aaron thinks angrily, doesn’t mean he has to like it. Especially when the man is taking out the pictures and flicking through them. 

Since phones aren’t allowed during a visit in prison, Aaron left it in the car and printed some photos out beforehand. Photos of Seb. The man looks up at Aaron and back down on the pictures and fuck, this is invading their privacy in such a horrible, intimate way, Aaron wants to scream. 

Instead he bites the inside of his cheeks and repeats his mantra in his head: soon he’s going to see Robert, soon he’s going to see Robert, soon he’s going to see Robert.

Everything is worth it. 

Everything.

After a few more minutes he can move along. The group is being led through doors and more doors until they finally reach the empty visiting room. Aaron hurries to get a table near the wall, not wanting to be on display in the middle. 

He looks around, taking the other visitors in. Some look happy and hopeful, others just bored or tired. Aaron wonders who they are to the inmate - mother, father, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, best friend, cousin - and for how long they are going through this? 

Aaron can’t believe he‘s inside a prison for the first time in 11 years. He made it 11 years without being jailed. Quite remarkable for a Dingle. 

And now he‘s finally seeing Robert again. Soon he will be here. It‘s only minutes now, tops. God, he‘s seeing Robert again! In a few minutes!

His hands are getting clammy and he wipes them hastily on his thighs, his heart speeds up painfully. Breathing is suddenly a tough task and Aaron has to use his old counting techniques against panic attacks to keep himself grounded. His skin is itching as if a million ants are crawling over it and he just wants to jump up from his chair and scream out loud just to let some of the tension out. 

It‘s awful, this moment here in that ugly, impersonal, cold room on those uncomfortable plastic chairs. Seconds are stretching like small eternities.

Robert will be here soon, Robert will be here soon, Robert will be here soon. 

He can‘t think anything other than those stupid five words, over and over. 

The door clicks and is being opened. Aaron‘s head snaps up and his heart is relocating itself into his throat. For a moment he thinks he might pass out then and there. 

The first prisoner walks in, it‘s an older bloke, followed by a young lad who looks barely of legal age. Then there is a tattooed skinhead and a guy with the most ridiculous moustache Aaron ever has seen.

With every man that isn’t his, Aaron gets more impatient, more panicked. Suddenly he is convinced that Robert isn‘t coming. Maybe he had second thoughts, maybe he isn‘t interested anymore. The ugly voice reminds him of his guilt and insists that Robert might be done with his gruff attitude and all the Dingle bullshit. Maybe Robert wants to start over fresh somewhere new as soon as he’s being released. Aaron’s chest gets impossibly tight. 

He sees the hair first, Robert’s unstyled floppy bedhead hair that he secretly loved so much, because it was so soft to run the fingers through. 

And then the inmate who’s blocking the sight walks to the left and then he’s there. It’s Robert.

It’s Robert with his long limbs, all legs and arms and they used to joke about that and bought Seb a little plush Giraffe. And god, Aaron misses being wrapped up with those arms, misses his husband clinging to him like a giant octopus at night. Robert with his cute nose and his lush lips and his little dimple on the chin that Aaron loved to kiss on lazy Sunday mornings in bed. Fuck, Aaron missed him so, so, so, much! 

He barely notices that he's letting out a gasp and sucking the air in harshly again. His whole body is tense like a spring and he jumps up from his chair, not able to contain himself any longer. 

Their eyes lock and god! Fuck! Those blue-green eyes, deep like bloody oceans and Aaron almost drowns in them. He missed Robert so much, he can’t believe he’s actually here! And he wants to hug him so badly, his body is aching with the need to step forward and to grab and to hold and to breathe and never let go. At the same time he can’t stop looking, can’t stop raking his eyes over his husband and take him fully in, as if to convince his brain that this is really happening, that Robert is really here. 

They are just standing there, maybe four feet apart, 4 feet too much, but Aaron is glued to the spot suddenly, unable to move. 

And then Robert’s face softens and it’s that special look only Aaron and Seb got from him. Aaron’s stomach does a backflip. Robert’s mouth twists into a little smile, but Aaron almost doesn’t see it, because his vision gets blurry when

his eyes are watering. They are even more blue than Robert remembers them and it knocks the air out of his lungs when he can finally look into them again. 

No picture does justice to those beautiful eyes that have drawn Robert in from the very first moment in that barn. 

It’s unreal that Aaron is here now, standing there, looking so damn hopeful. Aaron looks hopeful, his expression promising nothing but pure love. Robert remembers how Vic and occasionally Adam used to take the mick out of Aaron when he did his ‘heart eyes’ in the pub. 

And here they are after 11 years and Aaron is looking at him with his heart eyes as if Robert is the most special person on Earth, as if he hung the moon and the stars, as if he was the best thing Aaron ever laid eyes on. As if the past 11 years didn’t happen at all. 

The relief to see that those feelings are still there is indescribable. All the horrible scenarios vanished from his brain and it took only one look from Aaron. 

And he looks so, so, so damn good, Robert thinks as he gives him a once over. He even put on a bit more muscles and the striped jumper is highlighting perfectly those perfectly shaped pecs. Robert‘s favourite pillow on which he fell asleep so many countless nights, listening to Aaron’s heartbeat. 

Aaron is ducking his head, blinking the tears away and scratching his eyebrow and Robert wants to cheer in pure delight that he still has the same little habits like he did back then. God, he’s seen that stupid eyebrow scratch so often. As if that would help to override the emotional state Aaron is currently in.

Robert wants to hug him so badly, the urge to comfort Aaron Dingle is just as fierce as it always was, every fibre of his body screams for the touch. 

Reginald is walking down the aisle between the tables and when he passes Robert, he murmurs: “Sit down, boys.”

It pulls Robert out of his numbness and he takes a quick look around and sees all the other people sitting at the tables, some are engulfed in conversations already, others are staring at Aaron and him with curious expressions. Robert has seriously no clue how much time has passed since he went in here. 

He turns back to Aaron. “Hiya,” he says, surprised he gets out a word at all.

“Hi.”

They are sitting down on the plastic chairs and Robert puts his hands on the table just like Aaron. He peers down at them, they’re only inches apart. Inches. 

He can’t believe Aaron is actually here, it hasn’t sunk in yet. Is this really happening? Robert wants to pinch himself.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” he whispers, because he doesn’t know what else to say.

There is so much he wants to talk about with Aaron: the divorce, how he is and how the scrapyard is doing, where Liv is right now and if she’s happy, how that meeting with Seb was that Aaron wrote about in his letter. Damn, he even wants to know how Chas and Paddy are doing and if Eve already hit puberty. There is so much in his head he wants to get out, but it’s like it’s stuck up there in a big knot. 

“Can’t believe it either.” Aaron sounds shaky and he’s sniffing. 

“I told you to move on and yet here you are,“ Robert tries to make it sound like a joke, but in fact he can‘t get his head around the fact that Aaron waited 11 fucking years for him. 

“Stubborn Dingle, me. Remember?“ Aaron smiles and Robert chuckles, before he gets serious again.

They need to talk about the divorce, but Robert‘s dreading it. He knows a few bits from Vic how it hit Aaron and he always hated when Chas made decisions for Aaron of ‘what‘s best for him’ and he isn‘t much better though, is he. 

“I just wanted you to be happy,“ he says barely audible, nearly choking on the words when they try to get past this huge lump in his throat. 

“I know.“

He can‘t even look him in the eye now, so he just stares at the table. “The divorce-”

“Robert. I know,“ Aaron interrupts him.

“Do you?“

“Yeah.“ 

Robert lifts his gaze slowly and sees Aaron slightly nodding. There are still tears swimming in his blue eyes. 

“I was mad at you, first,“ Aaron admits with a pained expression when clearly some memories hit him, “and I tried… you know, to move on…“

Although this is exactly what Robert always told himself would be best for Aaron - it hurts. It’s irrational, it shouldn‘t hurt, because that‘s why he sent the divorce papers after all, but it does. It‘s like his heart is being squashed with hot pokers.

“...but I couldn‘t.“ Aaron breaths out. “I couldn‘t.“

Robert watches him fumbling around his neck and then Aaron pulls out a necklace. Aaron wearing jewelry is so odd and makes Robert frown until he sees what‘s dangling from the silver chain. 

Two rings. Their rings. The symbol of their love. 

He gasps. “You still have them?” Robert stares at the silver in shock. He thought they were lost forever. 

So many moments are fading after this long time, but both their wedding days will always be a vivid memory. The excitement, the vows and the all-consuming love. Seriously who can say, they married their love twice? And now Aaron is holding up the rings Robert bought for their engagement in a small shop in Hotten. He remembers how nervous he was, how scared that Aaron wouldn’t like them or that they wouldn’t fit in the end. But as soon as they slipped them on, it felt like they belonged there. It felt like they had been there forever.

The rings are slightly swaying and turning and Robert sees the engraving.

You know.

I know.

Robert is absolutely shocked, the green eyes are huge and his mouth ajar. 

“Course I still have them,” he says. “As long as we both shall live, innit? I mean-... we, errm, technically didn’t say that…” Aaron shrugs, feeling self-conscious suddenly. 

But one look in Robert’s face tells him that he doesn’t need to feel that way, because he gets one of those soft looks again that makes him fall in love with the man over and over again. 

“I would give you your ring now, you know, but I’m not sure it’s allowed and that one guard over there is watching us like a hawk, soooo...” he says and puts the necklace carefully back under his shirt, where they have been hidden for the past 11 years. Directly on his skin, right above the heart. 

Robert looks around. “Ah. That’s Reginald,” he says matter-of-factly. 

“You’re on a first-name basis with your guards?” Aaron says amused and raises his eyebrows in surprise.

“Only with this one,” Robert explains and smiles. “He’s... uhm, like a friend, I guess.”

Aaron snorts. “Course you would become friends with a warder.” He shakes his head, getting serious again. “How are the-” Aaron clears his throat. “How are the other inmates?”

He’s holding his breath. The imagination alone of Robert going through similar shit he experienced back then is making his blood freeze. It’s his worst nightmare. Robert getting bullied or beaten or… or worse. Aaron is clenching his fingers so tight, they hurt. He’s pressing his nails into the skin of his palms until it burns. 

“They’re okay, mostly.”

Mostly. What does mostly mean? “Are… are you-?” Aaron can’t bring himself to ask the question. 

“There are some blokes in here you should avoid, but I know what I’m doing and I’m keeping a low profile. It’s okay, really.”

“So, you’re not...?” Aaron grits out and he thinks he might draw blood from his hands any second.

“Aaron,” Robert says quietly, nodding down. “Your hands.”

Of course he noticed it. Like Robert always notices. Aaron gasps and forces his fists to unclench. His fingers are white at first, flushing angry red quickly. 

“There were beatings in the first year… but not anymore. And nothing worse.” Aaron’s relief is only short-lived, because Robert adds quietly: “It’s just… lonely, you know.”

The green eyes look incredibly sad and Aaron’s heart breaks. He notices Robert’s pale skin and his floppy hair, how thin he is and how the dull prison life is taking its toll on him. His Robert doesn’t belong here, behind bars, forced to wear those grey trackies and scratchy sweaters. 

He stares at the maroon jumper, remembering how this was always one of Robert’s favourite colours in his wardrobe. And God, did Aaron love that one suit he had, although he was never sure if he wanted to kiss or rather punch that smug smile off Robert’s face when he wore that maroon ensemble and swaggered through the village like he owned it. 

And now he wants nothing more than to have that nightmare of a man back. 

He would give everything, everything in the world, to walk out of this depressing shithole with Robert and bring him back home today. Fuck, now his vision gets blurry again and he gets mad at himself. He’s so sick of crying.

Robert shifts on his chair and forces a smile on his face. “Tell me about your life. How is the scrapyard?”

Aaron is glad about this topic change, he doesn‘t wanna spend the whole hour on the edge of tears. Those 60 minutes are too precious to be wasted with sad thoughts and fears and unfulfillable wishes.

“It‘s good, yeah,“ he says, breathing and blinking the liquid in his eyes away. “Lots of work, but that‘s good tho, innit?“

“Absolutely. I always knew the scrapyard was a good investment back then,“ Robert says and his proud undertone is like balm on Aaron‘s soul. “Which reminds me of… have you heard from Adam?“

“Last time was two years ago. He was in Cyprus.“

“Cyprus? Really?“ Robert laughs.

“Yeah, he was working for a dive center or something,“ Aaron smiles. 

He‘s missing Adam a lot and although he‘s been gone for so long, Aaron would still consider him his best friend. There doesn’t go a day where he at least doesn’t think once about Adam. Aaron wouldn‘t be here anymore without him. His friend saved him. Just like Robert did. They were the most important people in his life and he lost them both. 

But now he‘s got the chance to get one of them back in the near future. And Aaron won‘t let that slip. 

“That seems fitting,“ Robert reckons. “So, who is working with you at the yard?“

“Errr….“ Aaron shifts on his chair and scratches his eyebrow. “No one, actually. I‘m on my own.“

After Vinny left, he simply didn‘t have the energy to look for someone new, honestly. And working alone has its perks - Aaron isn‘t forced to act social and do some kind of pointless small talk anymore. He likes the quiet. He likes not being forced to rely on someone else. It‘s better this way.

“Really? Isn‘t that too much work?“ Robert frowns at him. 

“I‘ll manage. Keeps me occupied.“

There are a lot of things unsaid behind those simple words. For example how Aaron throws himself into work to make his brain stop from spiraling into dark holes and he strips cars and washing machines, until the sun goes down and he drives home and falls into a dreamless sleep. It gives his day a routine, it forces him to leave the house (although there were loads of days where he just wants to stay in bed) and it‘s like his own form of therapy. It keeps him sane. 

Robert doesn‘t need this whole context to get the true meaning of Aaron‘s sentence anyway, because he‘s Robert and he can read him like nobody ever could. Before and since. The freckled face falls, looks miserable again. 

“Aaron…“ Just a whisper. “I‘m so sorry, I put you through all this, I‘m so so-”

“Stop it,“ Aaron interrupts him softly. “Robert, we have to stop that. We have to stop feeling guilty about what happened-”

“We? What do you feel guilty about?“

Even that little word doesn‘t go unnoticed. Aaron swallows thickly. 

“It‘s just…“ he’s searching for words, not sure how to express his thoughts. Talking about his feelings often made him feel like that, literally speechless, and the past 11 years of living his hermit life only made it worse. He focuses on a little crumb on the table while he forces the sentence out: “I keep thinking… if I would have stepped back… after you married Chrissie…”

“No! Stop.“

Robert‘s voice sounds so harsh, Aaron‘s eyes fly up. 

“But they would probably still be alive and you wouldn‘t be here…“ he whispers. 

The green eyes are piercing into him and Aaron sees Robert‘s jaw working, the muscles on his cheeks clenching. 

“You‘re an idiot,“ he finally says. 

Aaron lets out a noise that is a mixture between a sob and a snort, remembering all too well how often Robert used to call him that. Sometimes in real exasperation, but mostly in sweet fondness. 

“You really are. Vic could have still been raped and I still would have put that scumbag six feet under. And besides…“ Robert‘s face softens. His gaze is so warm now, so affectionate, it makes Aaron dizzy. “I wouldn‘t have got to marry my best friend and my soulmate twice.” 

Aaron‘s breath hitches. Is that how Robert sees him after being apart for so long? 

“You were the best decision I ever made, Aaron. The only thing that made sense in my life.“

It‘s too much to take, the soft, deep voice, the loving gaze, and it’s simply impossible to not cry now and Aaron turns his head towards the wall, hoping that no one else would see him bawling his eyes out. Robert always had this power with his words and some things never change. He always hits that button right in Aaron‘s heart. 

“Rob.“ It‘s almost a plea. To stop. To go on. Aaron is a mess. 

“And I didn‘t get just you, did I?“ Robert continues with his soft voice. “I got Liv as well.“

Aaron shakes his head and laughs shakily. “She was a nightmare back then.“ And still Robert loved her like a brother. 

“And I got Seb…“ Robert‘s voice breaks and his chin starts wobbling. “And you were my family. And my home.“ The last sentence is just a breath, barely audible. 

But Aaron heard it anyway. “We still are,“ he whispers back.

He wants to reach out and touch Robert so badly right now. That little dimple on his chin is still trembling and it pains him physically seeing Robert so emotional and not being able to comfort him with a hug. It threatens to tear his chest apart. 

With one quick look around, he slowly pushes his hands on the table towards Robert‘s until their 

pinkies are touching. Something warm blossoms in Robert’s finger from that little skin contact. It radiates through his hand, his wrist, crawls up his arm and runs down his spine. He shivers.

It‘s the first time he feels Aaron again, his Aaron, and nothing, no words in this world can describe how unbelievably good this feels. Robert is going to lose his mind at how good it is. Barring the monthly hug from Vic and the occasional shoulder pat from Reginald or the Chef in the prison kitchen where Robert is working, there isn’t any body contact at all in the grey daily routine. 

The warmth turns into heat all of a sudden and he needs more. Robert grabs Aaron‘s hand, like a desperate man, closes his fingers around it. 

“Robert…!“

He feels Aaron pulling back, probably because he‘s scared that the wrong people might see them showing off too much PDA.

“No!” Robert says, panicked, and grabs Aaron‘s hand tighter. “Just… I don‘t care!“

He can‘t let go. He won‘t let go.

Robert stares at their joint hands in awe and it finally, slowly sinks in that Aaron is actually here , that this is real.

And not only that - Aaron just offered him a future he never thought he‘d have, he never thought he‘d deserve. Not after he gave his husband freedom to move on with his life, a decision that hurt so unbearably much like losing a part of his own body. 

He really should have known Aaron wouldn‘t do what Robert (and most definitely Chas and Paddy and probably half of the village) expected him to do. 

His beautiful, stubborn Dingle-arse of a soulmate. 

Robert strokes gently with his thumb over the skin on top of Aaron’s hand which is surprisingly smooth. The underside, the palm and digits, are telling a different story though. He senses all the rough and calloused spots - silent witnesses of how much Aaron must have worked in the past 11 years. 

Robert can only imagine how it must have been for him, struggling to go on after the awful nightmare that was 2019. Going from planning to have a child to watching every dream crumble to dust. Robert doesn’t need being reminded that Aaron lost his future too. 

His only comfort is the certainty that no matter how deep Aaron shrank into his shell, he always had Liv to look out for him. 

Damn, she had been a nightmare back then, talking back and causing constant trouble, hardly allowing them to enjoy ‘couple time’ when she arrived in the village and in their lives like a whirlwind. But somehow, while he watched her struggling with puberty and growing up, she wormed her way into his heart.

He misses her. 

“Tell me about Liv,” he says quietly while he’s still caressing Aaron’s hand.

He misses her chubby, red cheeks and her ponytail. He misses winding up Aaron together with her. He even misses doing Algebra with her and who would have guessed that, considering she was a lost cause and a pain the arse with her homework. 

In his head she is still the 17-year-old girl he left behind. Thinking that she’s now 28 is insane!

Aaron clears his throat, but his voice is shaky and pressed anyway when he speaks. “Errm. She lives in London now. Doing some fancy art I don’t understand, but you’d probably like it,” he jokes weakly and sniffs.

Robert looks up, surprised. “She’s an artist?”

“Yeah,” Aaron nods and smiles. His eyes are still red and watery, but he’s calming down a little. “She works as a waitress in Soho and I support her as well, because obviously only idiots who love to suffer try to live off an artist’s income - her words, not mine -, but she’s not doing that bad, actually. Had a small exhibition last year and is planning an even bigger one for next Spring.”

The pride is very audible and visible as well. Aaron always had a soft streak for his little sister. 

An actual artist. It’s hard to get his head around it and Robert doesn’t know how to feel about it. Hearing about Liv makes him once more painfully aware of all the time he missed and although he’s proud of her - of course he is, she’s his little sister - it also hurts. 

Aaron is shifting on his chair, using his free hand to pull something out of this jeans pocket. It’s an envelope that he puts on the table and pushes over to Robert.

“What’s that? Another letter?”

The other letters from Aaron are lying under Robert’s pillow in the cell and he lost count how often he read them by now. Reading them is like escaping this place, they make him forget the walls around him, they make him a free man if only for a few minutes. The letters are his everything. 

Aaron bites his lip and shakes his head. He gives Robert a small, encouraging smile. Reluctantly he lets go of Aaron’s hand and misses the feeling and the warmth immediately, but his curiosity won eventually. He opens the white cover and freezes in the middle of his movement. There are pictures inside. The photo on top is still half hidden from the paper, but he recognizes that half cut off face as Liv’s cheek immediately. His fingers are slightly trembling when he fishes them slowly out. 

God, Liv. She looks so different and somehow still the same. Her cheeks aren’t chubby anymore, but they have still that rosy glow. She’s wearing her hair open and some sort of colourful turban is tied around her head with a huge knot on the front. Golden earrings are dangling down to her shoulders and Robert can’t remember seeing her with jewelry before. Her clothes look at least three sizes too big and definitely second hand. Damn, she‘s a hipster. 

“Jesus, those young people today…” he mutters and Aaron barks out a laugh at that.

Robert knows he sounds like a dad, but he can’t help it. The picture shows her standing in a white, neat room right next to a monstrosity of a statue entirely made of rusty metal. Robert spots cogs, springs, rods, lids, knives and spoons and what not else. 

“She made that?” Robert asks, truly impressed. 

“Yeah. The pic was taken at her last exhibition.”

“Wow.”

Aaron huffs and shakes his head. “Guess what. She called that thing ‘brother’. She probably thinks she‘s funny or summat.“ He rolls his eyes, his absolute trademark move and seeing it makes Robert’s belly tingle with butterflies.

He tears his eyes away from the beautiful man in front of him and looks down at the photo again and chuckles. “It kinda fits.” 

“Eh? You’re saying I’m rusty?” Aaron lifts his chin challengingly, his eyes are sparkling, and for a tiny moment Robert is back in 2019 and they both are bantering on the couch until one of them caves and initiates a steamy making out. 

“You’re an idiot,” he reasons again, because it’s still true. 

Only Aaron wouldn’t see the obvious connection to the scrapyard, wouldn’t get the sheer strength the statue epitomizes. Robert looks back down and flips to the next picture. He sucks in the air loud and harsh and squeezes his eyes shut. 

It’s Seb. Aaron and Seb.

He only had a brief glimpse of the photo, but it is already imprinted on his retina. Seb is wearing a red cap from Liverpool football club and underneath a shock of strawberry red hair is visible. Robert saw the toothy grin, the freckles on his cheeks and the green of his eyes, sparkling with cleverness and mischief. He is arm in arm with Aaron, who smiles just as brightly.

“He took it last week,” Aaron says softly, “when we met again in Liverpool.”

His two favourite boys. Robert blinks his eyes open slowly. Seb is so grown up. All this time that’s lost forever. All those moments he missed, little milestones on Seb’s journey of life. 

Suddenly he can’t breathe anymore and he clasps his hand in front of his mouth to keep the sob in. It only erupts in a broken hiccup. 

“He told me to say ‘hi’ to you.” Aaron’s hoarse voice breaks and Robert can’t blame him really, because that’s it.

He’s got only so much self-restraint and seeing Seb and hearing from him is overwhelming. The world dissolves in a blur and now it’s Robert’s turn to twist his body to the wall, away from the other people in the visiting room. He brings his hands up to his temple to hide his tears. 

Seb. His little boy. 

“Tell me about him.”

Aaron wrote a short bit in one of his letters, but Robert wants more. Hundreds of questions are popping up in his mind, but somehow they are all stuck somewhere between his brain and his mouth. 

“What do you wanna know?”

“Everything.”

He strokes with his thumb over Seb’s face. Robert always expected he’d hate him for being a murderer, for being scum. He never dared to hope to reconnect one day with his son. 

“I was on a scrap call-out in Liverpool when I met him. He literally ran into me,” Aaron starts. “It only took one look in his face and I recognized him and it was such a shock. I accidently called him by his name and he asked if I’d known him. And then we talked... about me, and you of course. And him….” He trails off, lost in thoughts, before he clears his throat and whispers softly: “He’s so much like you, Robert.”

There is a tennis ball sized lump in his throat that makes swallowing impossible, but Robert tries it anyway. It hurts and makes a clicking noise. 

“Except he’s really into sports,” Aaron jokes and smiles weakly. “Football, skateboarding, wrestling, that sort of stuff.” There are tears swimming in the blue eyes again. “We've been texting since then and last week we met again. It’s actually amazing how clever and… good. He’s a good kid.”

It should have been different. Seb should have been living with them. And his siblings. For a little moment they almost had it all - Aaron agreed to adopt Seb and they planned to have more kids. When Natalie agreed to be their surrogate, the future was bright and exciting and full of love. 

Anger and frustration is bubbling inside Robert’s belly, making him physically sick, and he knows that bemoaning fate is not helping with anything, but sometimes he can’t stop himself. 

All those damn ‘what if’s’. They can drive you insane in here. 

“I think it was fate or something that I met him,” Aaron says suddenly and Robert’s head jerks up, because it’s like Aaron just read his mind. “Those letters Vic gave you? I had them in a drawer at home for years, too scared to send them…. but he gave me the final push to do it. I… We probably wouldn’t be here without him,” he admits. 

Robert smiles at that. The thought of Seb playing like some sort of matchmaker is heartwarming. Aaron is staring at the picture, lost in thoughts, slightly

smiling himself. 

“Aaron?“

Hearing his name being said with that wonderful, sinful deep and smooth voice he always loved so much, is sending a shiver down Aaron‘s spine. He missed this voice so much! And he almost forgot how amazing it sounded. Like a warm hug of his soul.

“Hm?“

“I‘m glad he did.“

Robert is giving him one of his ‘Aaron looks‘ again and he can do nothing other than smile back and try memorizing that moment, that expression, that feeling inside him as good as he can. Aaron tries to soak it all up like a dry sponge. 

“Yeah, me too.“

Aaron can‘t wait to tell Seb about his visit. He‘s probably going to fire a million questions anyway. 

Silence falls then while Robert keeps flicking through at the other pictures. There are some of the Mill - that still looks exactly the same with it’s dark walls and white kitchen - and the Woolpack - that had a complete makeover five years ago. It’s much brighter now, less wooden, instead of old-fashioned booths are now cozy sofas and armchairs lined up at the walls. When being asked about it, Aaron tells Robert about how Marlon slowly but surely transformed the place to a more modern pub in his function as co-owner.

And then Robert asks him about the village and the people, about the cricket pavilion, the barn and the bridge and it doesn’t go unnoticed that these aren’t just some random spots in Emmerdale, those places meant something special to them. Although Aaron supposes Vic must have filled him in about everything village-wise during her visits, he answers every question obediently.

Robert stares at him the whole time with an intense gaze, almost as if he’s too afraid to blink, because he could miss something.

A gong sounds through the room, causing Aaron to stop and looking around.

“Visiting time ends in 5 minutes,” the guard, Robert’s friend, informs them loudly. 

Aaron’s stomach is scooting down, sudden and hot and heavy. No! No, this hour can’t be over yet! He is not ready for this visit to be over yet. He can’t say goodbye yet. His eyes dart back to Robert who looks just as shocked as Aaron feels. 

He grabs Robert’s hand again, his hesitation concerning PDA be damned. It’s too late to worry about that anyway. 

“Rob…” 

There is still so much he wanted to tell Robert, but every word gets stuck in his throat now. There is not enough time. It’s not enough. It’ll never be enough. He’s squeezing the hand desperately, not ready for another goodbye. 

“I’m coming back as soon as I’m allowed,” he presses out, determined. “Next month. Next month, yeah?”

He doesn’t mind the drive. Fuck, he’d drive any distance if it meant he’d get one hour with Robert. They can make it work, Aaron’s brain insists over and over and it’s the only thought that prevents him from losing his shit. They’ve come this far. 

“It’s just two more years,” he whispers, “Two more years is nothing, right?”

It’s nothing compared to the 11 years. Nothing. And he would write again and call. 

“Aaron, there is something I gotta tell you,” Robert starts and swallows. 

His heart stops beating. For a horrible moment Aaron is convinced that Robert is going to push him away again - despite everything that happened during the past hour. Because it’s Robert being a damn nightmare who thinks he knows what’s best. But Aaron won’t let him, not this time, no way, no fucking way! 

His panic must show on his face, because Robert quickly adds: “It’s nothing bad, I swear.” the thumb is softly stroking his hand again and Aaron allows his body to relax slightly.

“What is it?”

“I filed an application for release on parole.”

Aaron’s jaw falls open and he just stares at Robert in shock. Of all the possible things he expected Robert to say, that wasn’t amongst it. How on earth could he hold this back for the past hour? Why is he telling him this only now? Aaron wants to grab him and shake him.

“What-” his voice breaks and he clears his throat, “What does that mean?”

He doesn’t want to sound too eager and hope is bubbling inside him, making him almost sick with anticipation, but he tries to suppress it as good as he can, because hope is dangerous and for all Aaron knows it more often ends in heartbreak and pain than not. 

“I dunno. Really. Maybe it’s just a few months.”

A few months.

A few months.

A few months.

Robert is coming home soon, Robert is coming home soon, Robert is coming home soon. His brain is stuck on that thought, repeating it over and over like a broken record. 

“Ouch,” Robert says, twisting his face, eyes flicking down to their intertwined hands, but then he offers a warm, crooked smile.

With a gasp Aaron lets the other hand go from his death grip. He wasn’t aware he was squeezing that hard. Well, Robert brought this on himself, he can’t just drop a bomb like that on Aaron! How is he supposed to react?! Aaron kinda wants to get off this awful plastic chair and jump around and shout it into the other people’s stupid faces. His husband is coming home!

They made it. 

“Fuck. You’re killing me,” he says hoarsely, quickly wiping with the sleeves of his shirt over his eyes to prevent himself from crying again.

“I hope not. I mean that would be bad timing!” Robert jokes, just as bad as he always used to and Aaron wants to throttle and kiss him simultaneously.

Another gong is signalling the definitive end of the visiting time and Aaron watches how the others are slowly standing up, clearly more used to that moment of goodbye approaching than him.

He can’t.

Suddenly he feels like his body is made of stone, heavy, unable to move. He can’t move. Aaron’s mind is nowhere near ready to accept the fact that the limited time he has with Robert is supposed to be over this quick. He basically just got here! It’s not fair. It’s not fair. 

While the other pairings are muttering their goodbyes and exchanging quick hugs, Robert and him are still glued to their seats, just staring at each other. Those green eyes look so incredibly sad and it’s almost too much to bear for Aaron. It breaks his heart. And he feels just as devastated. 

The guard makes his way over to their table and knocks on the surface of the table once.

“It’s time, guys,” he mutters, clearly not wanting to cause a scene. 

Aaron knows there are other warders who are supervising the visiting room, people who aren’t having a weird sort-of-friendship with one of the inmates and who aren‘t as patient as the older lad. People who could have Aaron removed from this room in seconds. And who might cause problems for when he wants to visit again.

He can‘t risk that.

Reluctantly and oh so slowly they both get up and then they're standing there, unsure what to do, what to say. 

The first visitors and inmates are already leaving the room and Aaron feels the eyes of the guard on them and he knows the seconds are ticking. This is it, the moment of another goodbye. 

At least it‘s not for long this time. That thought is his only solace. 

They are standing there, rooted to the spot, both swaying slightly. Their eyes are locked and Aaron can feel Robert looking right into his soul, reading him like no one else in the world ever could and will - not even his parents or his sister. It’s a connection unlike anything else. 

Soulmates, that’s what Robert called it, the eternal sap that he is. But as corny as it is, it’s probably true. There is nothing in the world that would stop Aaron from his next move, it’s a force of nature, a pull so strong it’s irresistible. 

He’s lunging forward and throwing his arms around Robert’s shoulders.

Gasping, he pulls him close until they’re flush from head to toe, his hands are grabbing that maroon prison jumper desperately and he buries his face against the warm neck. For a moment he forgets how to breathe, because it’s so overwhelming finally holding Robert again. It’s nothing like he remembers it, it’s even better. He can feel the heartbeat through the two jumpers and the heat and the solid strength. Although Robert is thinner than he was back then he still fits against Aaron’s body like a piece of puzzle that has been missing for way too long. Aaron takes a long and harsh inhale and the scent is flooding his nose and god, he missed Robert so much! He’s got him back! They made it. They made it. Somehow they made it. 11 fucking years and now Robert is coming home and Aaron will never let him go again. There are no words

for how good it feels. Robert hugs him with everything he has. The embrace is more than a body contact, Aaron is touching not just his skin, he’s touching his core. It can’t magically erase 11 years of loneliness, not even Aaron can do that, but it fills something inside that had been void for too long. Although never being the type for overly excessive PDA himself, Robert always missed hugging since he went inside and the monthly visit from Vic was never enough. Nothing came close to this, no one will ever come close.

Warmth is spreading quickly in his body, along with a weird, but pleasant tingly feeling. There is this pure survival instinct when you're in prison that you constantly watch your back and the inmates, checking for critical situations you need to avoid to stay out of trouble and hence Robert’s muscles are always tense. Like as if he’s permanently ready to bolt. 

Now the tension is slowly fading and Robert feels himself relaxing, positively melting into that hug. For the first time in ages he feels loved and cherished and safe. He’s safe. 

He’s pressing his nose against Aaron’s neck, marvelling at how wonderful that scruff is scratching his sensitive skin. God, how often he suffered the most delicious beard burns back then! A smell hits him, almost forgotten, but not quite. He loved that smell so much, he spent a shitload of money to order it online. It’s his shower gel and aftershave, Robert is sure of it. It’s home. It’s a good life, freedom, a fulfilling job, an afterwork beer, kids cuddles and Top Gear reruns. 

Robert hands are wandering over that broad, strong back, up to the shoulder blades and finally to the hairline, where he cradles gently with his thumb the short hairs. They are surprisingly soft under his touch. 

He sees a movement in the corners of his eyes and of course a second later Reginald appears in his line of sight. The face of the guard is stern, but his eyes are kind.

“Robert,” he says quietly and that’s all.

Robert’s eyes are darting to all sides and he sees the room is empty now. The visitors have left already and the inmates are back on their way to their cells.

No.

Please no.

He can’t let go. He can’t. His gaze is getting blurry and Reginald swims away when hot tears are burning in his eyes. Robert squeezes them shut before they can spill over.

“Please, just…” he’s pressing out, but suddenly all the air is gone.

Just a bit longer. Just a little bit.

Somehow Aaron grabs him even tighter and Robert feels his torso shaking and vibrating. Aaron is sobbing quietly. 

“Bennett is watching,” Reginald says under his breath.

Fuck, Robert hates Bennett with a passion. He is one of the arsehole guards, swaying around in their block like he owns the damn jail, unforgiving, short-tempered, unfair. Without a shadow of a doubt, Bennett would happily take this opportunity to interrupt them a lot less friendly than good old Reginald. 

He blinks his eyes open and gives the guard a quick nod, signalling that he understands. And he does, it’s just… he can’t let go. His arms won’t move. 

“Well,” Aaron starts shakily and sniffs. “See you soon, Mr Dingle.“

“I‘m not Mr Dingle anymore though, am I,” he whispers.

That stupid divorce was like ripping his own heart out and in the end they are standing here anyway.

Robert would give anything, anything in the world to be Mr Dingle once more. He makes a silent promise to himself that he’s gonna marry Aaron a third time to make it official again. He’d most definitely do it a fourth and a fifth time as well. It‘s always a yes. 

“You still are to me.“ Aaron's voice is just a breath, ghosting over the skin of his neck and it makes Robert shiver. 

It takes all of his willpower to pull back from Aaron’s embrace, but it’s inevitable. They both let out a little gasp and Robert is immediately missing the closeness and intimacy. 

Aaron is wiping his face again with his sweater paw while he takes a step back and Robert hates the distance between them. He feels so powerless. Letting out a long and loud breath, Aaron settles his eyes on Robert’s face and under that awful white light and with being red-rimmed from crying they appear extra blue. The colour always reminds him of a clear mountain lake. 

Aaron nods. “See ya.” There is the slightest tug on the corners of his mouth as if he’s trying to smile but doesn't quite manage it. Then he turns around and almost flees out of the room and just like that, Aaron is gone again. 

It hurts, being alone again from one moment to another, but Robert gets it. He knows this idiot for way too long now, knows that he needs to find a quiet place where he can have his breakdown. Aaron tried to hold it together for Robert’s sake, but he couldn’t keep it up much longer. 

He just wishes he could be there to comfort him. That probably hurts the most. 

“Soooo….” Reginald pulls him out of his numbness, “that was....?”

The bushy eyebrows are slowly crawling up his wrinkly forehead. Nosey old git. 

“... my husband.” 

Robert really loves that word. Husband. It’s a great word. Sounds amazing, too. They walk to the door that leads back to the cell block and Robert pointedly ignores the piercing glare of Colin Bennett. He won’t deal with him today, not after that amazing hour with Aaron! It’s sinking in now, the awareness of how massive that visit was. Knowing that they still love each other, knowing that there is someone waiting for him outside, it’s everything. 

It’ll help him through however long he has to stay in here, whether it’s a few months or two years. He‘s been such a fool for denying himself that in the past.

He’ll manage. They’ll manage. 

“Thought you’re divorced,” Reginald comments.

“Tell him that though. He’s such a stubborn idiot,” Robert jokes, gradually getting his posture back. 

Bennett gives him one last condescending look before he struts down the dark aisle, obviously realizing that his presence isn’t required anymore.

“After you, Robert.” Reginald grabs the heavy lattice door and fiddles with his keys.

Robert turns around and looks across the visiting room to the door through which Aaron left. Although he won’t hear him anymore Robert whispers the words, simply because he didn’t get to say them earlier: “See you soon, Mr Sugden.”