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- Kevin, you have to do something about it -
Ryan just stared at the bottom of the goji berry juice bottle he had in his hands, and didn't answer.
- It's been almost a whole month, you cannot keep on like this forever -
He sighed. - He doesn't wanna talk to me, Jenny, what am I going to do about that? -
- Isn't there something that is going to make him forgive you? Haven't you ever had to say sorry to him before? -
- There was one time with tickets to the Yankees... But look, that's not the point - he said, looking up at Jenny, who was standing by the sofa. - Even if I get the best tickets in the season, he's still not going to talk to me. I messed up real bad this time. -
- Then go and tell him that! - she told him exasperatedly, widening her arms a little as to underline her point.
- It's not that simple -
- It's exactly that simple! Look, - she started, crossing her arms again - in a couple of days he's going to be back at work, and you'll be forced to see each other anyway. I do not want to have to worry all day about you risking to get shot just because you and your partner are too busy fighting to watch out for each other! -
She looked pretty upset, and Ryan started feeling guilty for giving her more reasons to worry about him. He capitulated a bit.
- I suppose I could at least try to get hold of those tickets. Frank still owes me a favour - he said.
- Good. So you'll be going over there tomorrow night? -
- Tomorrow? No no no, I said I'd try to find the tickets, not... - he startled, standing up, hands wide in front of him in a defensive gesture.
- The game is tomorrow, when were you thinking of going? - Jenny asked skeptical.
- I don't.. ugh.. please Jenny...- he pleaded
- What is with you men and emotions! Really, I thought you were different, Kevin. - She sighed, resigned. - Let's make a deal, ok? Tomorrow I'm going out with Rachel and Clara, and I'll stay over at Rachel's. You are going to Javier's, you are going to do whatever you need to and then you two are going to go out, watch the game and have fun. I'll be back in the morning and I promise I won't ask anything about it. Agreed? -
She was giving him a way out. If this didn't work and he came back after an hour, tail between his legs, he wouldn't have to face the shame of her knowing right away. It would also give him the opportunity to cry about it without witnesses. He felt a little bit better. After all, there wasn't much left for him to ruin between him and Javier. It was worth a shot.
- You won't ask, and you'll give up trying to fix us? -
Jenny gave him a warning glare, but he was just arguing for the sake of arguing at this point.
- Agreed, agreed - he answered rapidly. She smiled.
- Thank you - he murmured before giving her a quick peck on the lips, on his way to call cousin Frank.
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He stood in front of Esposito's door, taking a minute to breathe in a big gulp of air, and to try to convince his stomach not to make a run for it without him. Seemingly successful for the time being, he raised a hand and after a second of hesitation he knocked.
A couple of seconds passed, the time for Esposito's steps to reach the door, then he heard the scratch of Esposito looking through the peephole. Then the steps started receding.
He knocked again. - Espo! Come on it's me, it's Ryan! - Silence. He knocked louder. - Come on man, I have to talk to you! Come on! - He knocked again, louder.
- I ain't talking to you. Go away! - Esposito's voice sounded from right behind the door, a sign that he clearly wasn't as indifferent as he claimed to be.
- Come on, Javi, just hear me out, please. - Ryan insisted. On the other side there was just silence. Fine, thought Ryan. If I have to do this through a door, then so be it. He took a big breath, then let it out slowly.
- Look man, I'm not sorry for what I did, but I am sorry for the way I did it. I just wanted to keep you and Beckett safe, that's all I ever wanted. I was so scared for you, but I didn't want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. But going behind your back did exactly that, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I broke your trust, and I understand if you can't trust me anymore after that, but I wanted you to know that even though I didn't get it then, I get it now, and I'm sorry. -
There was a long silence. Ryan started to worry that Esposito had left after all, and that he'd been talking to thin air. Then he heard a movement behind the door.
- Come back tomorrow - Esposito's voice said. Ryan smiled.
- Tomorrow? Oh, we won't need these tickets for tonight's game then I guess -
The door opened.
- You could have said you had tickets for the game, bro. Come on in. -
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They were sitting on Esposito's sofa, a beer in their hands, a few more empty ones on the coffe table in front of them. The Yankees had won, and they had come back to the apartment high on the feeling of more than one kind of victory. They were currently having a great, if slightly incoherent, time, slouched side by side on the sofa.
- Hey, not that I don't like having you here, but shouldn't you be heading home to Jenny by now? - Esposito asked.
- Nope. She gave me the evening off... she took the evening off... she's sleeping over at some girlfriends' place, that's what I mean - managed Ryan after a couple of tries.
- Really? And she knew you'd be here? -
- She told me to come. I'd never have had the courage myself - Ryan admitted.
Esposito furrowed his brow. - Why not? -
- Because. - said Ryan. - I was too afraid you wouldn't forgive me, that's why.-
- You seriously thought I wouldn't forgive you? -
- I don't know. It was pretty nasty this time. - Ryan murmured, keeping his gaze fixed on the empty bottles.
- Yeah but still -
- What? - Ryan looked up again.
- We are always gonna forgive each other, aren't we.- Esposito was looking him right in the eyes. He held his gaze.
- Are we? -
- Yeah - His gaze dropped to Ryans lips for a fraction of a second, then back up again. For some strange drunken gravity law, their faces were now much nearer each other than a few minutes before. - I mean, everybody knows that. -
Ryan smiled a loopsided grin. - Everybody except me, apparently. -
- Dude, that's because you're a thick headed, stickler-for-the-rules bore - teased Esposito with a grin of his own, the warmth in his voice mitigating all his usual insults even more.
- Oh yeah? Really? -
- Yeah, really. -
- Well now that I know it too, maybe next time I won't even bother apologizing. -
- Why not? You're so good at it -
- Am I? And say, how good am I? -
- I'll show you - and without having to stretch more than a couple of inches, Esposito captured Ryan's lips in a kiss. Ryan just went with it, sinking further and further into his partner, like something that had been kept at bay for a long time had been set free all at once, letting one of his hands prop him up by resting against Esposito's chest and shoulder, letting his semiconscious brain guide him through most of the motions, leaving his conscious, overcontrolling brain far behind, like Jenny taught him to....
... all of his brain came to a screeching halt, then rebooted. Jenny.
He tore himself away from his partner, taking big gulps of air (forgot to breathe for a while) and jumping a couple of paces back and away from the sofa, for good measure. He stared at Esposito, who looked something between bewildered and affronted, and was looking at him expecting something. An explanation probably, or a finger pointed towards an invisible ninja in the room, ready to attack them. Something.
Ryan opened his mouth. Nothing came out. He closed it, he opened it and tried again - I... yo... I'm so... I... Je... sorry Javi - ha managed at the end, and grabbing his jacket he ran out the door like the entire Irish mob was at his heels.
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Jenny had come home the day after to find a still clothed Ryan sleeping on the couch. Smiling a bit to herself for a plan well concocted, she had woken him up, and that's when her day had started becoming more and more confusing. Ryan had awoken with a jump, run all the finger of both his hands repeatedly through his hair and, after a glass of water and two aspirines to assuage his burgeoning headache, started speaking very concitatedly and with barely any pauses.
After a while, Jenny started to make some sense out of his flooding stream of consciousness. As far as she could gather, he was: 1, concerned that she would be mad at him for the events of the night before; 2, freaked out by some sort of identity crisis; 3, even more freaked out by his feelings for his partner; all of this not necessarily in that order. Wait.
- Kev. Kev. Kev! - He finally fell silent for a second. - What do you mean you didn't know you were in love with Javier? - she asked, a little thrown off.
- I didn't! I swear I didn't Jen, I had no idea, it's so freakish to wake up to realize something like that, but I love you, I know that I love you, and oh my god how am I going to survive this... - he kept talking, but Jenny could spot the signs of a panic attack a mile off. She offered him her hands, palms up.
- Hey, Kev, take my hands. There, good. Now look at me. Breathe with me: in through the nose, and out through the mouth. Good. In, and out. Slowly. Keep my pace. In, and out. Good. -
After a while she could see him starting to calm down. She kept his hands firmly in hers, and spoke while looking him in the eyes.
- Ok. Now. The sexuality crisis thing, I think you will have to figure that one out for yourself. I'll be here if you need me, but other than that... But, I am going to tell you a couple of obvious things, things that should really be obvious but obviously aren't - she stopped a second to frown at her own sentence, then shrugged - not to you anyway. So I'm going to make sure you hear them. -
- One, I love you. I love you and I'll continue to love you no matter what happens. That is never going to change, ok? Two, I know you love me. I've never doubted that, and I would have never married you unless I was a hundred percent sure of that. - She searched his eyes to make sure he had got that first, fundamental part. Then went on. - Three, I know you're in love with Javier. I've known since I first met you, actually. It's pretty obvious to anyone who knows you well, except apparently to you, which is what confused me a little just now. I sincerly thought that you knew that already, otherwise I would not have sent you so blindly into your little mission yesterday. I had a hope that you two would finally overcome a couple of boundaries, talk about it. I did not expect you to do anything about it yet... but hey! It's fine. As long as you tell me what happens, as long as you keep me in the loop, we're fine. Our marriage is fine. - She made sure to drive this point home, too. - And, this may be the part that is not so obvious, but I'm also fine with you two being together, if it should come to that, with all that it might entail. I trust you, Kevin, of course and forever, but more importantly I trust Javier. I trust him with your life every day, and I know I can trust him with your heart too. -
It was a lot to take in. Ryan just nodded, and smiled. Maybe there was a tear or two at the corner of his eyes, but he acted like he couldn't feel them.
- Just, Kevin, maybe... be careful? I know you're easily hurt. I can't stand seeing you hurt - she smiled through her words, and now who was the one with a little tear of emotion?
She just clasped his hands tighter.
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What happened with Jenny was all well and good, but Esposito was now back from his suspension, and they were back to not talking to each other. Ryan understood that it was his fault (again), and that he probably should apologize (again) and explain, yet he was himself a bit miffed that his partner had so little understanding for his own point of view. The general awkwardness did not help. Adding to this, as the day wore on people kept assuming they were still not talking because of the suspension, and Ryan came to a new realisation: he couldn't have corrected them even if he wanted to. He hadn't just kissed his best friend, he had kissed his coworker, his male coworker, his male police officer coworker. He had kissed his male police officer coworker, and he himself was married. That was a whole new level of "no fraternization policy" there. So maybe Ryan had started thinking this wasn't such a good idea after all. That is, until a gigantic bodyguard decided to use them both as punching bags.
They were both in the men's room, trying to nurse a nasty looking black eye each, and still not speaking to each other. Sort of.
- Au! -
- That hurts? Good. - commented Esposito, still examining himself in the mirror
- Oh, and yours doesn't? -
- This? This is nothing compared to what I felt the other night when you left. - Esposito could be really dramatic when he wanted to.
- Oh come on, Javi! Look, I'm sorry. I was a jerk, and I really should have called and apologized. I just... I freaked out ok? My brain was all mushy, and all that I could think about was Jenny. I'm not a cheater, I'm not. -
- I know you're not bro. But wait... so Jenny didn't know? I thought she was the one who sent you there, and then went off with the girls to leave you free all night. - Esposito looked perplexed now.
- Yeah she did but... -
- From what you said I thought that you and her were ok. I would never have made a move if I believed.... - interrupted Esposito
- I know, it's... It's not your fault. It was a misunderstanding. But there was some stuff that we had to talk about, so it's good that I went when I did, even if I scared you a bit. -
- Scared? I? Tsk! - Esposito puffed his chest a little, as his usual, then took a couple of steps towards Ryan, who stood his ground. - So what now? -
- Now - said Ryan, choosing the words carefully - we talked, and the conclusion is that Jenny says I am free to follow this - he nodded once to indicate the two of them - wherever it may go... if you are still interested, of course. And don't mind sharing me with Jenny. -
- I don't mind sharing - Esposito said, going for "innocent" and failing after all of two seconds. Without losing eye contact with his partner for even a moment, he went on - And about my interest, you can find out for yourself... - He slowly took one of Ryan's hands by the wrist, and laid it palm down on the front of his pants, an evil grin spreading on his face at the sight of Ryan going all red and flustered.
- Interested. Got it. - he coughed out, then cleared his throat for good measure. - I think we maybe should... probably... go back to... yes, go back to work. - he stammered out, taking a step back in the direction of the exit (and when did they end up so close again? was this a thing now?).
Esposito looked at him and laughed - You ain't going anywhere like that, Kev, especially not at work. -
- What? Why not? - asked Ryan looking down at himself and his clothes. Then he noticed the very prominent bulge in the front of his pants and went red again. - Oh, uhm, ok, I think you've got a point - he conceded. Then he looked at Esposito again, this time with an eye to certain parts of him he had previously only... felt.
- Hey! How come yours is invisible? -
Esposito laughed again. - It's all in the cut of the pants, my friend. But I assure you it's still there, in case you want to check... - He winked at Ryan, who just smiled. - Actually I... -
A colleague came in through the door, walked right past them and into one of the stalls. They exchanged a look, all smiles gone, and gave a single nod of understanding to each other. This had to be kept out of the precinct. Ryan found a stall of his own to take care of his problems, while Esposito just walked straight out and back to his desk.
While he was waiting for Ryan to come back, he noticed Castle and Beckett standing in front of the murder board, conspiring as usual. No, not as usual... Lanie was right, something was off with those two. Couldn't say what though. Ah well. He'd find out eventually.