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On the first day, Peter stumbled across an article online. One with a picture of him in the suit, commenting on how it looked like Spider-Man had gained weight. Peter read through the article and then stared at the picture for nearly an hour, before putting the suit back on and staring into a mirror.
Had he gained weight? He knew, logically, that it was nearly impossible; his enhanced metabolism meant that he burned through calories at a ridiculous speed. That combined with the constant exercise that came with being Spider-Man, and an Avenger, meant that he had to eat nearly three times the amount than that of a normal teenage boy just to maintain his weight.
There was, however, a little voice in the back of his head that tended to surface when he was feeling particularly down, that did not like to be logical. And that voice whispered that he had gained weight, that he looked fat , and that nobody wanted a fat teenager.
Peter pulled his phone out and sent the article to Ned.
You see this? He asked.
It took Ned nearly twenty minutes to respond, and when he did, his response was predictable.
Yeah. Pay no attention to it, that site is always slamming supers. They’re just pissed that they’re not as cool as you lol
Peter stared at the message, and then at the article that was still up at the screen.
Yeah, he thought. They’re just… pissed.
-{}-{}-{}-
On the second day, Peter sat in the high school cafeteria, and picked up the candy bar he’d thrown into his lunch. As always, Flash decided to share his demeaning opinions.
“Watch out, Parker,” he called across the lunchroom. “Keep eating like that and you’ll end up like Leeds! Looks like you’re already on your way there!”
Most of the room had laughed. MJ had gone off on Flash, and the rest of their classmates, but Peter didn’t hear her. He glanced down at his stomach, then looked back at the candy bar.
After the room had quieted, Peter and MJ both assured Ned that there was nothing wrong with how he looked and Flash was just being his usual dickish self. Ned shrugged it off, saying he knew he was on the bigger side and it didn’t bother him. He, in turn, assured Peter that he had nothing to worry about. Peter smiled and said he knew.
Peter put the candy bar back into his bag.
-{}-{}-{}-
On the fifth day, Peter skipped breakfast.
Tony had shouted at him, as he left the tower, to remember to eat something, because they didn’t need him passing out on them, did they. Peter had laughed it off and grabbed an apple to appease him, promising to grab something on the way to school.
Peter only stopped once on the way to school, and that was to give the apple to a homeless man he saw on the streets.
-{}-{}-{}-
On the tenth day, Peter didn’t pack a lunch.
It was fine, he reasoned with himself. It wasn’t like he wasn’t going to eat with Tony in the lab when he got home. Besides, people skipped breakfast and lunch all the time. There was nothing to worry about.
Ned was concerned. He asked where Peter’s lunch was.
“I forgot it,” Peter said vaguely.
Ned kept offering Peter parts of his lunch.
“No, I don’t want to take your food,” Peter had insisted. “I’ll be fine. I’m not even hungry.”
Ned believed him.
-{}-{}-{}-
On the twelfth day, Peter came home late from patrol. Tony told him to get some dinner; there was leftover Thai in the fridge.
Peter told him he ate on the way back. He wasn’t hungry, and besides, he had a lot of homework to do.
Tony believed him.
Peter went to his room and threw away the churro that the nice lady had bought for him.
-{}-{}-{}-
By the twentieth day, Peter had been on patrol through dinner every day. When he came back, he took his dinner to his room, to stare at when he should be studying.
There are 95 calories in an average sized apple.
There are 221 calories in a cup of spaghetti noodles.
There are 70 calories in a cup of tomato sauce.
There are 206 calories in a slice of garlic bread.
There are 592 calories on his plate right now.
That is 592 too many.
-{}-{}-{}-
On the twenty-first day, Peter passes out in PE class.
As his guardian, Tony is called to take him home, and he insists on taking Peter to the MedBay to see what’s wrong with him.
His blood sugar is too low, they tell him. He needs to make sure he’s eating more, they say.
Peter shrugs and says he keeps forgetting his lunch. He doesn’t have time for breakfast. He’ll eat more, he promises. It won’t happen again.
Peter overhears Tony call Ned and MJ, telling them to make sure he eats his lunch.
Peter spends that night having a panic attack, and then crying into his pillow.
-{}-{}-{}-
On the twenty-second day, Ned and MJ won’t let him leave the lunch table until he eats his lunch.
Tony doesn’t let him eat dinner in his room.
On the twenty-second day, Peter makes himself throw up for the first time.
-{}-{}-{}-
On the thirty-fourth day, Tony catches him throwing up.
On the thirty-fourth day, the team sits down with him to discuss what’s going on.
On the thirty-fourth day, the team tells him they’re worried. They tell him he’s sick.
On the thirty-fourth day, Peter insists he’s fine.
-{}-{}-{}-
On the thirty-fifth day, Tony watches Peter eat his dinner, and won’t let him go to the bathroom after. Peter goes to his room and locks the door, and punches a hole in the wall.
A piece of wood cuts his hand as he pulls it out of the hole.
Peter watches the blood ooze out of the cut. The sharp pain is a welcome distraction from the heavy feeling in his stomach.
On the thirty-fifth day, Peter takes apart his pencil sharpener and cuts his wrist. The pain feels good.
On the thirty-fifth day, Peter learns he likes the look of blood.
-{}-{}-{}-
On the thirty-ninth day, Peter yells at Tony.
I won’t eat, he shouts. I won’t, and you can’t make me.
You’re dying, Tony shouts back. You’re dying and I can’t sit back and watch it.
I’m fine, Peter snaps. There’s nothing wrong with me, he insists. I just want to look good in my suit. I just want to lose a couple pounds.
Tony gives him a sad look.
Peter storms to his bedroom, slams the door, and lays on his bed, running his hands over his hip and rib bones.
He likes the way they stick out.
-{}-{}-{}-
On the fortieth day, Peter refuses to eat his lunch. Ned and MJ beg him to.
He stands up and leaves to the bathroom.
Peter makes himself throw up like he has after every lunch period, except this time he didn’t even eat anything.
This time there’s blood in his vomit.
Peter takes out his broken pencil sharpener and runs the blade down his arm.
He wonders what it would feel like if he cut deeper.
-{}-{}-{}-
On the fiftieth day, Peter’s sent to the hospital. They put a tube down his throat, and force calories into his stomach through it.
It hurts his throat. Tony watches him sadly from the hospital bedside.
I’m sorry, he says. I’m trying to help you.
Peter wishes to die.
-{}-{}-{}-
On the fifty-first day, at one in the morning, Peter wakes up with a start.
There’s nobody by his bedside. He may never get another chance.
He thinks for a moment. Does he really want to die?
Yes, he decides. They’re never going to stop forcing calories on him. They’re never going to leave him alone.
Besides, he reasons. He’s become a burden. A problem. He’s let down New York. He’s let down the team. He’s let down Ned and MJ.
If May were here, he’d be letting her down.
He’s let Tony down. He’s hurting Tony.
He’s hurting them all.
If he were to disappear, he’d stop hurting them. They wouldn’t have to deal with him and all his issues. They wouldn’t have to watch him all the time. They wouldn’t have to wonder what he’s done that day, if he’s eaten, if he’s thrown up.
Peter sits up and yanks the tube out of his throat.
God, it hurts. It burns. He keeps pulling.
An alarm goes off.
Peter yanks the IV out of his arm, pulls away the tubes forcing things into his system, and flees to the bathroom. He locks the door, and finds his razor.
Tony gave him this razor the day he taught him to shave.
Peter breaks the razor, and pulls the blade out.
Peter cuts his arm. He cuts it again.
He cuts deeper. And deeper. Until he sees it pierce the vein that stands out just a little too much on his arm.
He does the same on the other.
Tony’s banging on the door.
Blood is pooling around him.
The room is spinning.
He feels nauseous.
He feels lightheaded.
He feels tired.
Peter closes his eyes, and goes to sleep.