Chapter Text
It’s happening again.
My brain is running faster than my logic can keep up with it. A whirlwind of emotions, a typhoon of self-doubt, a storm of disgust and hatred comes crashing in, refusing to ease.
I hate when this happens. I start to bounce my leg, the first sign something is off. Kiyoomi looks at me, eyes bearing a question I don’t want to answer.
Next, I chew at the skin next to my nails. Kiyoomi leaves the room. I’m not sure where, but I would want to be away from me too. I try to convince myself I don’t mind, but really I do.
Rocking back and forth is what follows. Kiyoomi returns with Kōshi. I can hear them talking but the words are muffled as if my ears are filled with cotton.
My thoughts are all I can hear, all I can see is my failure, all I can feel is how disgusting I am, all I can taste is the metallic taste of my own blood, a reminder that I’m still chewing on the skin around my nails.
How pathetic are you that you couldn’t beat a kid two years your kouhai? All of that time and money wasted. And just look at you! You think that your boyfriends are here because they love you? No! It’s nothing but pity from them. You confessed to them and they were too nice to say no. They’ll leave you any-
“Tōru. Look at me, now.”
Kiyoomi’s eyes are filled with tears.
“Tōru, babe, they’re lying to you. Your thoughts, I mean,” Kōshi was squatting next to where Kiyoomi sat on the floor in front of me. When did I get under the kitchen table?
I shake my head, just once, but then I can’t stop and suddenly there are very audible sobs and arms surrounding me.
“Tōru, we’re still here, aren’t we? We stay for a reason.”
Kiyoomi’s lying to you. They both are. They’re staying because it’s easy.
“Oikawa Tōru. We’re here because we want to be. Not because anybody tells us to be. You’re so strong, baby.”
I feel lips on my forehead. They know this calms me down most of the time, and it helps a little, but I’m still not okay.
“Kōshi, I know I asked you to come in here, but can I have a second with Tōru?”
“Of course baby.”
Kōshi leaves with a kiss on Kiyoomi’s forehead, too.
“Tōru, can you try to look at me?”
Our eyes meet. His are just as filled with tears as I imagine mine to be. Guilt permeates every inch of my skin. I hate watching them cry- I hate it even more when it’s my fault.
“Tōru,” he takes my hands in his own, “you’re amazing.”
He presses a kiss to the back of one hand.
“You’re gorgeous, no, ethereal.”
He kisses the back of the other.
“I’m so proud of you, Tōru.”
He kisses one of my fingertips.
“You’re one of the two best things that has ever happened to me. Kōshi is the other.”
Another fingertip.
“Every time you smile it’s like the world stops turning, just for you.”
Another.
“Your laugh is one of my favourite sounds.”
Another. How many times is he going to do this? After I just chewed on my skin, too?
“When I watch you play volleyball, I lose all semblance of time. Watching you is magical.”
He keeps kissing my fingers, one after another, after every sentence.
“I’m so blessed to wake up next to you and Kōshi every day.”
“Tōru, I’m in love with you.”
“You’re so much stronger than you think.”
“I love the fact that your lips always taste like honey and strawberries, regardless of what you’ve eaten or what time of day it is.”
“Your hair is always perfectly styled, but my favourite is when you first wake up. It’s such a mess but it’s still gorgeous, just like you.”
“You deserve the universe, Tōru, and I’m here, hoping I can give you a single star.”
He kisses my last fingertip.
“Please, love, if you ever need anything, if the thoughts get bad again, just tell us. We’re here for you, we love you with everything that we are. You don’t have to be alone anymore, you don’t have to keep everything to yourself. You don’t have to keep suffering.”
The last kiss is to the tip of my nose.
“Kōshi, I know you’re still there. You can come back now.”
Kōshi enters the room within seconds, a soft smile on his face.
“How are my favourite pretty setter and my gorgeous ace doing now? A little better?”
I nod, just a bit, but that’s enough for the both of them.
“Good. Now get out from under this table, you’re filthy.”
“You sound like Kiyoomin.”
“Oh? Maybe I do. They say the more in love with someone you are, the more you act like them. Explains why you’re getting a little crazier and he’s getting softer.”
There’s an instant blush on my cheeks. I know Kiyoomi means every bit of what he said to me and so much more, but there’s an instant sincerity in Kōshi’s voice, one that cannot be ignored.
There are two completely different hands helping me up. One is calloused, the fingers rough and the nails trimmed. The other is softer, just the fingertips showing any sign of sport, the fingers long and slim.
My hands fit perfectly in either of them, just like they both fit perfectly in my life.
We may be a little broken, a little rough around the edges, but I’m in love with them both. Nothing else matters. I will be okay, and I will be okay with them by my sides.