Work Text:
Remus had made lamb. He didn’t really like to cook and also wasn’t particularly good at it but decided it was a special occasion. It took the better part of his day because he had to restart several times but when he pulled the finished product out of the oven, it looked more than halfway decent. Instagram worthy, even.
But that was three hours ago and Remus hadn’t gotten far enough in his exploration of the Bon Appetit Youtube channel to figure out how to keep things warm without drying them out.
With a sigh, he rose from his perch on the couch and stretched his arms out languidly. Then he made his way to the kitchen to take inventory. Salad with homemade raspberry vinaigrette? Toss. It’d wilt in the fridge. Roasted brussel sprouts with bacon bits? Toss. Time made them mushy and grey. Remus studied the lamb as the sound of the front door unlocking echoed from the foyer.
Half the pan was in the trash by the time Sirius made it to him.
“No!” Sirius exclaimed.
Remus shrugged and scooped away the last heaping. “It didn’t keep.”
Sirius eyed the pan regretfully. “I’m so sorry I’m late—”
“If you’re hungry I can make you a sandwich. We have bologna.”
“Uh, no. Thanks. Benjy sent out for Chinese. I mean—” Sirius stumbled over his words and Remus poured the last remains of the bottle of Merlot into his glass. Sirius hastily explained, “It’s just that I had a meeting at lunch and was starving, so I just needed to get something in my stomach. I’m really sorry, Rem.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Remus said, gulping down the entirety of his glass.
“I really wanted to be here on time. It’s just that—”
“I said don’t worry about it,” Remus replied, turning his attention to his sink full of dishes. “I know you would have been here if you didn’t have more important things to do.”
“It’s not that I had more important things to do,” Sirius huffed, “it’s just that I couldn’t get out of—”
“Sirius,” Remus interrupted with an exasperated sigh, “I’m telling you that it’s okay. This doesn’t need to be an argument.”
Sirius clenched his jaw and Remus turned to retrieve a neatly wrapped box from the other end of their massive marble countertop. He asked, “Can we exchange gifts now?”
Sirius took the gift reluctantly. He unwrapped it in the careless way Remus thought he approached most things in life; but, as soon as he realized what he had been given, the tension visibly released from his body. “Rem, this is…”
“Do you like it?” Remus asked.
It was a first edition copy of On the Road, which was Sirius’ absolute favorite book. It was expensive but not hard to find, more for show than for anything else. Remus thought it was perfect for Sirius.
Sirius leaned over and placed a dry peck on Remus’ cheek. “I love it. This is fantastic, Rem. Open mine now.”
Sirius seemed genuinely excited for Remus to open his gift and the energy was moderately contagious. Remus held the small velvet box in the palm of his hand for a second. Cartier, he noted. Expensive. And vaguely familiar. He popped it open…
“What?” Sirius asked tightly, studying Remus’ frown. “You don’t like it?”
“Uh, no,” Remus cleared his throat. “I love it. I just...” Remus searched for the chain under the collar of his shirt and tugged it out to reveal the identical pendant that was already hanging from his neck.
Sirius was gobsmacked. Remus would be lying if he said he didn’t find any satisfaction in Sirius’ discomfort.
“You gave this to me for my birthday,” Remus revealed. Then he added, in case Sirius forgot, “which was in March.”
“I know when your birthday is,” Sirius muttered, which made Remus want to laugh.
A few months ago, Sirius had forgotten Remus’ birthday. Remus was not surprised and in fact had not expected Sirius to remember in the first place. Still, a mournful Sirius had tried to right the wrong in the only way he knew how which was to spend a lavish amount of money on something shiny. Despite the thoughtlessness of the gesture, Remus had genuinely liked the pendant because it was understated but sophisticated and he could hang his engagement ring over the same chain.
“For your birthday...” Sirius explained, brain obviously going into damage control mode, “I was so swamped with work that I had Benjy go get your gift.”
“Tell him he chose well,” Remus replied evenly, “I wear it every day.”
Sirius considered his words carefully. “I should have paid better attention. I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright.”
“On Saturday—fuck. No. Sunday. On Sunday I’m going to take you back and we’ll pick out something—”
“No, no, no,” Remus replied. “You know what? Let’s keep it. We can regift it to someone during birthday season.”
Sirius scoffed. “I’m not—”
“So what’s up?” Remus cut him off. This conversation was over. “You going to bed?”
Sirius took the cue. “I have to drive to Ventura tomorrow for an eight o’clock meeting...”
“Well, you better get to bed then,” Remus told him. “I’m going to stay up and watch a little more T.V.” Then Remus made his way over to the wine cooler to crack open a second bottle of Merlot. He figured he might as well celebrate. It was his anniversary after all.
Though Remus wasn’t looking, he could feel Sirius hesitating in the doorway. After a few awkward seconds, Sirius finally ventured, “What’d you end up cooking?”
“Lamb.”
“Yeah? How’d it come out?”
Remus shrugged. “I dunno, I didn’t taste it.”
---
Remus often wished Sirius was cheating on him.
He’d even tried to catch him. Unfortunately, going through Sirius’ phone and computer didn’t turn up anything. And showing up to the office when Sirius was working late was also a bust. (Sirius’ twenty-two-year-old assistant was a likely candidate until Remus realized Benjy was as USC frat-bro straight as one could get.) He’d stopped just shy of hiring a private detective.
It would have just been easier if Sirius was cheating because then Remus could put a name to his anger. He could justifiably hate Sirius. He could leave and not feel like he was the one throwing away a nine-year relationship.
Their story went like this:
They met at a bar in their junior year of college and had sex that same night. A week later they ran into each other at Whole Foods and, as twenty-one-year olds often do, took that coincidence and named her fate. They became inseparable almost instantly. Walk each other to every class inseparable. Couldn’t keep their hands off each other long enough to see a movie inseparable. Cancel study-abroad trips to Spain inseparable.
When they graduated, they moved into a two-bedroom apartment in Venice. Sirius footed the bill courtesy of the massive inheritance Uncle Alphard gifted him on his eighteenth birthday. At the time, Remus tricked himself into thinking that being taken care of financially by Sirius while he worked on his writing was romantic—like Sirius was a knight in shining black armor. Meanwhile, Sirius took an internship with a small media company, not because he needed to but because they only asked him to come in twice a week and allowed dogs in the office.
Here, life was spur-of-the-moment road trips to San Francisco. Breakfast in bed on Tuesday mornings. Fucking in the back seat of Sirius’ car along the side of PCH for the hell of it.
A full two years out of college was when outside influences started intruding. Fleamont Potter, Sirius’ surrogate father, did what all fathers must do at some point. He sat Sirius down to tell him that he was throwing his life away and needed to get a job. A real job. Fleamont then used his many connections to acquire Sirius a full-time position at Azkaban Media.
In hindsight, this was the beginning of the end but it really wasn’t so bad at the start. It was certainly exciting for Sirius, who was a genius and talented and a thousand other things that allowed him to thrive under any condition. He rose up the ranks quickly. Today, he was the youngest Marketing Director the company had ever had.
As for Remus… Remus got accepted into Berkeley’s Graduate School of Journalism around the same time Sirius started at Azkaban; however, he and Sirius agreed that remaining in LA was best for their big picture plan. As of today, Remus had never finished his novel and was still wondering what the big picture plan was.
Remus couldn’t pinpoint the exact date or time he started hating Sirius. It came in stages, he supposed. He tried not to think too much about it.
Two tickets. A week of white sand, blue water, and multi-colored cocktails. It was the perfect anniversary (re)gift. Remus would be happy and Sirius would be out of the dog house, which was slowly but surely starting to feel like his permanent residence.
When Sirius arrived home, Remus was on the phone. His cheeks were flushed and he was smiling—really smiling, boyish dimples and all. For a reason he couldn’t pinpoint, Sirius didn’t like it, but nevertheless leaned in and placed an obligatory kiss on the man’s cheek.
“Okay, I gotta go Caradoc, but yeah tomorrow’s perfect.” Remus laughed at something Caradoc said. “Yeah, let’s just hope it goes better than when we went hiking.” Remus laughed again. “Okay, I really have to go, bye. Bye. Go to work! Bye.” After hanging up, Remus finally turned his attention to Sirius, sans dimples. “Hey, Sirius.”
“What’s going on tomorrow?” Sirius replied in place of a greeting.
“Caradoc and I are going to a rock climbing gym that just opened down the street. You said you had news?”
It didn’t escape Sirius’ notice that Remus was clumsily changing the subject but he decided to ignore it. He forced a grin, not as excited as he’d been a few minutes ago, and wordlessly slid the tickets over to Remus.
Remus picked them up and held them in his long, slender fingers for a moment while he read them. A spot of red blossomed on the apples of his cheeks and the corners of his eyes crinkled as his lips pulled in a smile. “Bora Bora?”
Remus’ enthusiasm reignited Sirius’ own excitement. “You’ve always wanted to go to Bora Bora, right?”
“Yeah,” Remus laughed, rereading the tickets like he was making sure they were real. “Wow. Sirius, this is amazing. Thank you.”
“Happy belated anniversary.”
“How’d you get the time off work?” Remus wondered.
Sirius grinned, “That’s the great part.”
“Hm?”
“That’s the whole reason we’re going. We have clients that are buying some real estate on the island, so they asked if we could meet them for contract negotiations and—”
“This is a work trip?”
For the first time, Sirius had the feeling that there may be some fundamental flaws in his plan. Hesitantly, he trekked on. “I mean... technically. I’ll have morning meetings. And dinners in the evening for networking. But does it really matter? It’s Bora Bora.”
Remus, whose demeanor was now so stony he might be mistaken for a marble statue, considered his words. “I’m respectfully declining the invitation. But,” he sarcastically tacked on, “I appreciate the offer.”
“Wow,” Sirius huffed, fist clenched inside his suit pocket, “You sound super appreciative.”
“Appreciative? That you decided to use your work trip as a half-assed attempt to make up for…whatever. You go. Have a good time. I have no interest in going so that I can sit in a hotel room by myself every night while you go to dinners where I’m not invited and clearly not wanted. I can do that here.”
Unable to come up with a better comeback, Sirius growled, “You’re being ridiculous right now.”
“Am I? That’s literally exactly what happened when we went to Hawaii.”
“That’s not true at all—”
Remus was suddenly on his feet and shouting, “You left the airport without me!”
“I thought you were taking the second shuttle!”
“Yeah,” Remus rolled his eyes, “okay.”
Before he could stop himself, Sirius hissed, “I know why you really don’t want to go.”
“Oh? Enlighten me.”
“If I’m gone you can stay behind and spend all the time you want with Caradoc rock climbing if that’s what we’re calling it.”
“Are you really trying to imply that I’m the one sleeping around? You, who is repelled by my touch? You, who literally pushed me off the bed the last time I tried to suck your dick?”
Sirius was shocked that Remus brought up that last point. It was an accident; Sirius was exhausted and Remus just wouldn’t listen. It was something that embarrassed both of them and therefore they pretended it never happened. He tried to regain some footing. “I—you’re twisting the story.”
“Sirius,” Remus began, “we haven’t had sex in five months because every time I try, you make up an excuse to get away from me. Do you think I’m stupid? Do you think that I think that you of all people have gone this long without sex?”
It hadn’t been that long. Sirius couldn’t remember the last time but—no. It couldn’t have been five months. Regardless, he took too long to respond. The air in Remus’ chest deflated and he sat down at the kitchen table, dropping his head into his hands so Sirius couldn't see his face. Sirius took the seat across from him and started to say, “I’d never cheat—”
“I’m moving out.”
Sirius had taken many hits in his life. In his youth, he was a brawler, too wound up by the vitriol passed down from his ancestors to keep his temper down for long. This? This is what it felt like to take a punch to the gut.
“I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t pretend like I’m not miserable. I can’t pretend like we still feel the same way about each other.”
And that was the kill shot.
There was no other way to describe it. It was a betrayal of the highest proportion. And it made Sirius angry. Sirius reveled in his anger because if he didn’t it would turn to devastation. So he delivered a kill shot of his own.
“I’ve been fucking a twenty-year-old yoga instructor. He can go all night long if that answers your question.”
Remus finally lifted his face from his hands. His big brown eyes were shining with unfallen tears and Sirius immediately wished he could take back what he said. Remus silently pulled at the chain around his neck. With trembling fingers, he unhooked it and allowed the engagement ring Sirius had given him five years ago to fall to the table. Then he stood up and silently made his way to their spiral staircase.
This was the moment where Sirius should have followed him. He should have apologized for the cruel lie he had just spewed. For missing their anniversary dinner even though Remus had sat him down a week earlier and told him how important it was to him. For not taking the time to buy him a decent gift. For not noticing until now that Remus had stopped wearing his engagement ring on his ring finger.
He didn’t though. He sat unmoved until Remus returned several minutes later with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder and wordlessly walked out the door.
Before Sirius, Remus had never expected greatness from his life. He’d always thought he’d probably end up a teacher. Maybe he’d publish a book with a small independent publishing company that wouldn’t sell many copies but would nevertheless sit proudly on his coffee table. He’d marry a nice albeit equally bland person with whom he’d tend a small herb garden.
Humble as his aspirations might have been, what he certainly never expected was to fall so low as to be thirty years old without a job and/or a single penny to his name because he wasted his better years on puppy love. With all his earthly possessions slung over his shoulder, he felt like a grifter. He was officially nobody from nowhere.
Remus would have gone to James and Lily’s if he didn’t think Sirius would beat him to it. (Though in hindsight, Sirius probably had other options; let that be a lesson in being careful what you wish for.) An alternative was visiting his mother but she lived in a one-bedroom condo in a senior apartment complex that barely allowed pets, let alone adult sons. One last resort was visiting his father, who lived in Colorado with his third wife and her young kids and was, therefore, not really an option at all.
There was really only one place left to go. The decision was purely logical, based primarily around the fact that storming away in the car Sirius bought or booking a hotel room with Sirius’ credit card would have only been a strike to Remus’ already fragile dignity. There was nothing nefarious in Remus’ intentions, even though he was technically single now and Sirius deserved whatever he got.
Reaffirming his innocence to himself, Remus trudged up the long driveway towards the vibrant red front door that seemed more like a lighthouse in the late evening dusk.
He had always envied the door. It single-handedly set the whole house apart from its McMansion brethren down the road. Remus and Sirius’ house, for example, featured only a black hunk of metal, enemy of burglars and door to door salesman alike. Although it certainly served its function of not letting anyone in or out, the door was more “Finnish prison” than “loving home.” The red door, on the other hand, said only Welcome.
After Remus rang the bell, it only took a few moments for the door’s owner to appear with an easy grin on his handsome face. “Mr. Lupin, to what do I owe this pleasure?”
Caradoc Dearborn had moved into the vacant house across the street a year earlier. He was a successful record producer who coincidentally shared a friendly acquaintanceship with Sirius because they often crossed paths through work. He became a major player in the Remus/Sirius telenovela in November.
At that time Remus was still clinging to the .01% chance that his relationship was salvageable, so he decided to throw Sirius an extravagant thirtieth birthday party as a gesture of good will. The party ended up going so well that Remus briefly wondered if event planning was maybe his purpose in life all along. Everything fell into place, from the winter wonderland theme to the Hibachi dinner to the performance by the Grammy award-winning Weird Sisters.
It was such a magical night that a beaming Sirius took to the stage to give a heartfelt speech thanking his 175 closest friends for “always being there to support him,” his young assistant for “putting up with his antics every day,” and last but not least...his boss, for “always pushing him to reach his full potential, and showing him what really matters in life.”
Yes, that was all.
It was ten minutes and a couple of shots of Patrón later when Remus felt a tap on his shoulder. Caradoc, who looked so sweet with his hopeful smile and sparkling dark eyes, held up a joint in offering. They snuck across the street to smoke it and the friendship blossomed from there. That night was the first time Remus thought about leaving Sirius and didn’t feel bad about it. For the record, Remus wasn’t sleeping with Caradoc but he thought about it often. It was an unspoken understanding that Caradoc was ready and willing.
“Rem?”
Remus tried to respond, but the words caught in his throat.
“What’s wrong?”
Remus’ throat was suddenly unbearably dry. He barely had enough saliva to force out, “Can I come in?”
“Of course, of course.”
The only thing Remus felt for the next few moments was the beating of his heart and the warmth of Caradoc’s hand on the small of his back. He was led through the house, so familiar to him after all these months, to the den in the basement. Remus sunk into one of the massive leather couches, half-heartedly hoping it might just swallow him whole.
“Rem? What’s going on? Why do you have a bag?”
“Sirius and I are separating. I didn’t really know where to…” Remus trailed off and Caradoc was beside him in an instant.
“I’m so sorry, Rem.”
“It’s okay,” Remus lied.
“No, it’s not okay,” Caradoc said firmly. “This is a big deal. This whole thing has been so unfair to you.”
After a heavy pause, Remus croaked out, “I gave him everything.”
“I know,” Caradoc agreed fervently, rubbing circles onto Remus' knee.
“I don’t know where everything went wrong,” Remus huffed, “We were in love for so long. I would have done anything for him.”
“Well,” Caradoc began slowly, “Can I say something to you as a friend?”
Remus took a deep breath, “Go ahead.”
“Sirius didn’t deserve you. He took you for granted. He didn’t want to spend any time with you. He didn’t want to be near you—” Every word cut like a sharp blade and Remus felt himself involuntarily shrink away from the blows. “—He didn’t respect you, Remus. He’s, to put it bluntly, not a good guy. So, honestly? You’re better off,” Caradoc finished with an expectant smile.
Remus looked down at his hands to avoid looking at Caradoc when the man’s fingers grabbed him by the chin. Remus was startled by the intimate embrace but he shouldn’t have been. Isn’t this where it was always going? Wasn’t this the reason he had come here?
“We can stop pretending now,” Caradoc said confidently before pulling Remus into a crushing kiss. His lips were warm. Too warm. Remus felt like he was being burned alive. Like fire was coursing through him, disintegrating one vital organ at a time.
But isn’t this what he wanted?
It should have been James.
The thought wasn’t nice but it was true. Married at eighteen. Baby at twenty. What were the odds that they would even last, let alone be madly in love with a humble football prodigy as a son twelve years later?
“Sirius,” James began in that condescending way that meant he was about to break into lecture. As if he was some Andy Griffith type who had all the secrets of the universe and could dole them out with just one good-natured smile. “Where are you? Why don’t you catch a cab back—”
“I’m in a cab,” Sirius spat.
He had gone to James’ place first only to be told by a nosy neighbor that they were out of the country. Out of the country! Sirius’ best friend was out of the country for all of June and hadn’t even bothered to tell Sirius. Sure, Sirius hadn’t answered any of James’ calls over the past few weeks but that was just because he was busy working. It started to seem like he was the only around here with a job!
James muttered something to someone out of earshot. “Sirius, go back to your house. I’m going to catch the first plane home. Please wait for me.”
A wave of guilt hit Sirius. “No,” he grumbled hastily. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine.”
“Of course I’m not fine!” Sirius bellowed. “I gave him everything!”
He’d only ever wanted to give Remus the moon and the stars. Isn’t that what everyone wanted? To provide for their partner? That’s what Sirius wanted; to give Remus a life of freedom and luxury because Remus, who was raised by a struggling single mother that worked two jobs but still needed Food Stamps, deserved security. Remus, who had dreams of Best Seller Lists in his eyes and six figures worth of student debt in his bank account, deserved security. Remus, who was humble and kind deserved security because money didn’t buy happiness but security sure as hell did.
Along the way, Sirius happened to find a career that he loved. Was that so bad? Did it mean anything to anyone that his job made him happy? He didn’t cheat on Remus. He didn’t hit Remus. He didn’t lie to Remus. Yes, he didn’t spend as much time with Remus as he should have but that was life. They were adults with responsibilities. Plans changed.
“I get it—”
“No,” Sirius snapped, “you don’t get it! You’re on his side. You think I’m the bad guy. Well, sorry that I—you know what? Never mind. I don’t need to defend myself to you of all people.”
“Sirius—”
Sirius hung up and turned off his phone. It was only a few minutes later that his cab pulled up to the house. He paid the driver, took a deep breath, and stomped up the steps to the house, where he repeatedly rang the bell until the door finally cracked open.
“You.” Sirius forced his way into the foyer, sneering at both the red front door and its owner. Tacky. Ostentatious. What did Remus see in him? In it?
“Black? What the fuck are you doing here? It's two in the fucking morning.”
Caradoc Dearborn was a weasel. Remus didn’t see it because Caradoc reserved the tiny sliver of a soul he still had left to pretend otherwise.
Say what you wanted about Sirius—he had never taken advantage of a sixteen-year-old client by offering them a deal they and their working-class parents had no way of knowing was pure exploitation. He had never ousted a ten-year-long business partner to steal their title and clients. He had never gotten three DUIs in as many months.
“You need to get out of my house,” said the weasel. His bored tone only further flamed Sirius’ desire to knock his teeth out.
Sirius would have nipped the affair in the bud earlier but he didn’t realize anything was budding until a few months prior. He had borrowed Remus’ phone to make a call and saw the texts. The daily —no, nightly texts. Remus played innocent and the texts were innocent for all intents and purposes, but Sirius was not stupid.
“Where is he?” Sirius demanded.
“Are you talking about Remus?”
“Obviously I’m talking about Remus,” Sirius growled. “Now where are you hiding him?”
“You smell like a brewery. Get out of my house before you kill my plants.”
“I want to talk to Remus!”
“I don’t need to go wake up Remus to tell you that he has zero desire to talk to you,” the weasel smirked, his black eyes smugly confirming what his words had just insinuated.
That’s when Sirius lunged.
Loud jingling woke Remus up from his sleep and it took him a few hazy seconds to realize that the sound was coming from his phone. He blinked the fuzziness out of his eyes and checked the bedside clock. 4:00 AM. He clumsily reached for his phone, barely registering the caller ID before saying, “Hi?”
“Remus?” Regulus Black asked warily. “Uh, hi. Where are you? I mean, how are you? Sirius told me everything…”
“I was sleeping,” Remus sat up in bed, “Is Sirius okay? It’s four in the morning.”
“Um, well, no, he’s not. He got arrested.”
“What!?” Shivers slowly began to vibrate through Remus and he struggled to keep the phone to his ear.
“I guess—You know I’m not judging, right? I’m not taking sides. But Sirius said that you’ve been having an affair with Caradoc Dearborn. I guess he went to Dearborn’s place looking for you and they got in a fight.”
“I’m not at Caradoc’s,” Remus muttered through chattering teeth. “I’m at a Motel 6 in the Valley and I’ve never had an affair with anyone in my life.”
“Yeah, I figured. Anyway, the maid called the cops and they ended up taking Sirius in. Sirius said Dearborn wants to press charges. I didn’t know if I should call you considering...the circumstances. But I’m in New York right now and I figured you’d want to know.”
“I’ll go bail him out,” Remus said, stumbling over to the lightswitch.
“I—you don’t have to. He’s a big boy. He made his decision—”
“No,” Remus said, digging haphazardly through his suitcase for fresh clothes. “Which station?”
For Sirius, it was love at first sight.
How could it have not been? In a room full of people, Remus Lupin positively glowed. And it wasn’t just because he was beautiful, though his handsomely delicate face and honey hair were certainly sights to behold. Sirius thought it had more to do with the shyness in his smile. The kindness in his eyes. The graceful way he held his long, lithe body.
And Sirius wanted to see what that kind of grace felt like up close so he wasted no time in sidling up to the boy with his most endearing smile. Remus too was eager and willing, so that night Sirius was allowed to discover that the boy’s mouth tasted like mint and his skin felt like silk and he all but sang when he orgasmed.
Remus assumed it was a coincidence that they ran into each other a week later but it wasn’t.
The truth was Sirius couldn’t get the honeyed Angel out of his head so he used his many resources (James and Lily) to track him down. Amidst the rows of potato chips and pretzels was where Sirius struck again. The sparkle in Remus’ eyes and the automatic uplifting of his perfect red lips was all Sirius needed to see to understand that they should never be parted again.
They spent the night together again that day, talking and kissing in equal measure. Back then it seemed like they would never run out of things to talk about, which was what made it so surreal that today they spent the whole ride back from the police station in complete silence.
The silence was only interrupted when they finally made it back to the house and Remus asked, “Do you want me to go talk to Caradoc?”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
Remus groaned in frustration. “I mean to see if I can get him to drop the charges.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. He could only imagine what the weasel would ask for in exchange. “No. He’s probably already drafting a restraining order anyway.”
“That’s probably for the best,” Remus sighed, staring firmly at his hands, “Caradoc doesn’t particularly like me anymore.”
Sirius physically perked up. “What do you mean?”
To his hands, Remus explained, “After I left here I went to his place. He kissed me and tried to move things forward and I stopped him. I started—” Remus shook his head as if clearing an errant thought, then continued, “I stopped him and he got angry. He said that I led him on and kicked me out of his house.”
Sirius slammed his fist so hard onto the kitchen table that the noise echoed throughout the room. “I’m going to fucking kill him.”
“No,” Remus snapped, “You’re in enough trouble as it is.”
Sirius fumed silently until a thought occurred to him. “So you went to him. After you left me, you went straight to him, did you?”
With a sneer, Remus finally met Sirius’ gaze. “I figured I shouldn’t let you have all the fun, right?”
“I never cheated on you,” Sirius grumbled, feeling embarrassment prickle at the back of his neck. “I made that up to—”
“To hurt me?” Remus cut in with an almost-crazed laugh.
“You hurt me first,” Sirius countered quickly.
“No,” Remus said, voice shaking with emotion. “I didn’t do anything but ask for a measly shred of affection.”
“I gave you everything, Remus!”
Remus was back on his feet now. “And I didn’t give you everything, Sirius?! I didn’t give up Berkeley?”
“That’s not fair!” Sirius shouted, rising to his own feet. “I didn’t make you give up Berkeley!”
“Really?” Remus demanded. “You didn’t beg me to stay? You didn’t make it seem like we would be over if I left?”
“Let’s be realistic Remus,” Sirius said, feeling like he had nothing left to lose. “You couldn’t afford Berkeley! I wanted to give you time to focus on your writing! And don’t make it seem like I gave you an ultimatum. I was just being honest—you wanted to move six hours away. We would have both been busy. How would we have made that work?”
“You want to be honest? Okay, let’s be honest. I wasted my whole life away on you and it’s not fair.”
Sirius fell back into his chair bonelessly, as if he had just taken a hit. Tears began streaming down his handsome face and for the first time in years, Remus felt the urge to reach over and stroke his cheek. But before he could retract his words, Sirius flatly asked, “Is it really a waste if you spent it with the person you loved?”
Remus sunk back down into his own chair. “No,” he sighed, “It’s not.”
“How did we get here?”
Remus contemplated his words carefully. He didn’t want to hurt anymore. “I’m not happy. I haven’t been happy for a long time. But you’re right, it’s not fair to blame you for Berkeley. I made my choices and I made them because I wanted to be with you more than I wanted anything else. But it’s more than that now.”
“Well, what is it?”
Remus huffed. “You know what it is, Sirius. In fact, you tell me! Why would you rather be at work than at home? Why can you make it to an emergency meeting on a Sunday but you can’t make it home on a Tuesday night for our anniversary dinner? Why haven’t you wanted to have sex with me in months?”
“I…I fucked up. I took you for granted because I assumed you’d always be there for me. I got my priorities all wrong. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. I’m sorry,” Sirius croaked.
“You’re not the bad guy, Sirius,” Remus’ voice cracked with a fresh wave of tears, “but I’m not either. And that’s the problem. Because that means we have to face the fact that maybe we just fell out of love.”
Sirius abruptly lept from his seat and threw himself on the floor beside Remus, grasping at his hand. “Do you remember what I said on our first date? Our first real date? I said, ‘One day I’m going to marry you, Remus Lupin.’ I meant it then and I mean it now!” Sirius exclaimed over heaving sobs. “I want to marry you.”
“You postponed our wedding three years in a row," Remus groaned, "That doesn’t sound like someone who wants to get married.”
“I want this to work Remus. Tell me what to do. Do you want me to quit? I’ll quit right now.”
“No,” Remus hiccupped. “If you quit you’ll be miserable. You’ll feel like I held you back. You’ll get bored; if not of me, then of life.”
“I can change Remus. I can be the person you need me to be.”
The words felt wrong in Remus’ mouth but he needed to say them. “We need to take some time apart.”
“What? No!” Sirius jumped back to his feet and began pacing the kitchen. “That’s the opposite of what we need to do.”
“We need time to see if we’re happier apart. You know how they say if you love something set it free? That’s what we need to do right now. We need to set each other free,” Remus sniffled, “If we’re meant to be then we’ll come back to each other. If we’re happier on our own, then we owe it to each other to stop pretending otherwise.”
Sirius stopped at the kitchen sink, shoulders hunched and head down. A pull in his belly compelled Remus to rise from his seat and slowly approach Sirius. In an action that was simultaneously familiar and foreign, Remus tugged at Sirius until they were facing and pulled him into a hug. They stood like that, with their heads buried into each other’s shoulders, for a long time.
Eventually, Sirius whispered, “I want to come back to you.”
“I want to come back to you too,” Remus promised.
“Then that’s it,” Sirius loosened his hold and stepped away so he could meet Remus’ eyes. “That’s all that matters. This is you and me. We’ll always come back together.”
For the first time in a long time, Remus believed it.