Archive of Our Own

He feels stupid and a little bit embarrassed as he lies down on the sofa in the psychiatrist’s office, but he does it nonetheless. He hears Dr. Jo rustling around for a moment, before there’s soft, muted sounds of nature, undoubtedly coming from the small stereo in the corner, swirling through the air around him.

“Alright Wonwoo, I’d like you to close your eyes now”, he waits for Wonwoo to comply before he continues: “Now, picture yourself in the middle of a clearing in the forest. You’re laying down on the soft mossy ground. Now breathe in deeply and count to five, slowly”

Wonwoo inhales, counts to five, exhales slowly.

“Good, just like we practiced. Do this a few more times, and with each cycle, try to remind yourself of all the smells of the forest”

The sounds of nature playing in the office seem to disappear from around him, and it feels like they’re just inside his mind now. He breathes, breathes, breathes. With every inhale, it feels like he’s further and further away from the tiny office. Eventually the psychiatrist’s voice fades away. He opens his eyes and sees the canopy of leaves above him. The trees here always seem endlessly tall. He thinks that if one was to try to climb them, they would never reach the top. He lies there for what feels like ages, but what he knows to be fifteen or so minutes. Once his time is up, he hears Dr. Jo ringing a small bell. The sound is clear, and it always feels far away at first, until he comes back to himself, and the dim office.

“How did it feel, Wonwoo?”

“Um, okay I guess?”

“You guess?”

“I mean, it’s getting easier now but I still just feel neutral about it” Wonwoo leaves out the part where he still feels like there’s an empty space next to him, waiting to be filled again.

“That’s good! Neutral is good, Wonwoo”

“Okay”

Dr. Jo looks at him expectantly, like he always does. After a while he sighs, that too, is something he always does. He claps his knees and gets up from the armchair next to the couch and moves over to his desk.

“And how are the panic attacks?”

“They’re okay”

It’s always okay, now. Never good. He thinks he might not know what good is anymore. He thinks he might not want to know.

“And the medication?”

“It helps”

It doesn’t. In fact, he doesn’t take it anymore. He gets the prescription refilled every three months and pretends to take the pills, but he never does.

“Are you sure?”, Dr. Jo asks as he peers at Wonwoo over his half-moon lenses. Wonwoo’s half-convinced that the good doctor knows Wonwoo’s bluffing but has decided not to bring it up for whatever reason.

“Yeah. It helps”

“Alright, good. That’s good. You’re making great progress, son. Great progress”

“Okay”

Dr. Jo rustles his papers, sets up the next appointment and then Wonwoo leaves. His legs always feel extra shaky after these appointments. For some reason the guided imagery exercises always feel exhausting.

He shuffles his feet and drags his suitcase behind him. He recognizes the campus from all the brochures, but has never been there in person. He digs around in his pockets and fishes out the crumpled map his mum printed out for him, and continues towards the dorms. He checks in at the reception, gets his keys and steps into the elevator. Right as the doors are about to close, someone sticks their leg in between them. The doors open again and Wonwoo is greeted with a handsome face. The man smiles wide, flashing his dog-like canines and steps in.

“Hi!” 

Wonwoo notes that he has to lift his chin and look up when he looks at the guy, a feeling he’s really not accustomed to on account of his own height.

“Hi”

“Which floor are you going to?”

Why is this guy talking to him?

“Um. The fourth?”

“Oh cool! I’m on the same floor!”

“Oh, okay”

“Do you have a single or a double room?”

“A single”

“Oh too bad, we both have singles. It would’ve been fun if you turned out to be my roommate! I mean, what a coincidence!”

“Yeah”

The guy turns towards Wonwoo and sticks his hand out.

“I’m Mingyu!”

“Wonwoo”

“Oh, you have a Korean name!”

“Very astute of you. I am indeed Korean”

“That’s so cool! I can’t believe the first student I meet is Korean as well!”

Instead of a normal handshake, Mingyu yanks his arm until Wonwoo’s chest is pressed against his, and slaps him on the back a few times. They separate, and the space between Wonwoo’s shoulder blades tingles. The elevator dings, the doors open and the pair step out. There’s a large staircase in the middle, and hallways branching off on either side. It kind of resembles a hotel. Wonwoo and his new acquaintance both fiddle with their keys to see which ”apartment” their rooms are in. They both move towards a fire door marked with the number 17 — seems like their rooms are close together. The flat is actually just a hallway with doors on either side. One of them leads to a kitchen, and the others are the rooms they live in.

Mingyu’s walking ahead of Wonwoo, and stops abruptly in front of the second to last door in the corridor. The room is emblazoned with the metal number 96. 

Mingyu fishes around for his keys and manages to drop them. They crouch down at the same time, and hit their heads together. They both hiss and Mingyu forgets his hand over Wonwoo’s as he massages his forehead. Wonwoo doesn’t breathe. Eventually Mingyu lifts his hand and Wonwoo deposits the keys he picked up into his palm. There’s that tingling feeling again. He clears his throat. 

”Uh sorry, here you go”

”Thanks”, Mingyu mumbles.He moves to the next door over, and tries the lock. He slots his key into it and there’s a click.

“Well, this is me”, Mingyu chuckles awkwardly, the back of his neck glowing a bright red, as he turns the key in the lock.

“We’re neighbours”, says Wonwoo stupidly.

“Oh?”

“I’m in 96”

Mingyu’s eyes glance at the set of keys in Wonwoo’s fist and then the door next to him.

“Hah, what a coincidence! I hope we can be good neighbours!” Mingyu gives him a polite little bow.

The bronzed boy opens his door and disappears in, but is back out in the hallway in an instant.

”I almost forgot my manners, mum would be so angry!”

Wonwoo stares at him dumbly.

”Uh, what age are you?”

”I’m 19….” Wonwoo replies slowly ”Why?”

”Ah! I have to call you hyung, then!”

Wonwoo feels a weird lurch in his stomach.

”O-oh you really don’t have to do that, we’re not even in Korea…” 

”Good manners are everything, of course I have to call you hyung, hyung!”

Wonwoo’s blinded by the sheer positivity radiating from Mingyu. He doesn’t know this young man yet, but he deeply wants to be his friend.

The next day there’s a knock on Wonwoo’s door. He knits his eyebrows together in confusion. Not able to fathom who would be knocking on his door, he waits. He hears a second knock, and then a muffled voice.

”Hyung! I have some rice cakes for you!”

Even more confused now, Wonwoo reaches for the door and unlocks it.

”Why are you giving me rice cakes?”

”Because I’m your new neighbour, duh!” Mingyu laughs good-naturedly and thrusts a plate towards Wonwoo. Absolutely bewildered, he looks back up at Mingyu.

”Is this actually sirutteok ? Where did you find this stuff?!”

”Oh, uh. Um. I- I made it?”, Mingyu seems almost embarrassed by it.

”You made sirutteok ?! On your own? In the dorms?”

”What, like it’s hard?”

”It is hard! What are you, the Korean Gordon Ramsay?” 

Wonwoo accepts the plate from Mingyu, and right as the younger man is turning away towards his room, Wonwoo uncharacteristically pipes up.

”Do you wanna eat these with me?”

Now it’s Mingyu’s turn to look surprised.

”But hyung, I made them for you”

”Yes and there is no way I can eat all of this on my own. Come on in, Mingyu”

Mingyu flashes a sunny smile in Wonwoo’s direction and sits timidly in his desk chair.

”Did you make rice cakes for everyone, then?”

”No, only you. Everyone else is white so I don’t think they’d get it”

A tiny kernel of warmth blossoms somewhere inside Wonwoo’s rib cage at that.

The elevator dings, the doors open and Wonwoo steps out. It’s a familiar scene, but this time he arrives alone. No friendly pats on the back. Perfectly uniform, lacking character as only an institution can, the dorms still look the same. The staircase even smells the same, that odd smell of linoleum that you get in places like these. He shuffles towards door 17, steps through and continues to the last door in the hallway. Of course his luck would have them placing him in the same room even though he’s been gone for a whole year.

He glances at the metal 97 emblazoned on the door next to his and regards it with somber disinterest. There’s a sigh bubbling in his chest, but he refuses to let it escape.

Dr. Jo has asked him to keep track of his panic attacks and his daily mood and he does it reluctantly. He’s been encouraged to actually write in the little booklet like he would in a diary, to “help figure out what brought it on”, but Dr. Jo  hasn’t been made aware of the fact that Wonwoo knows exactly what brings it on every time, he just doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to hear the pity in people’s voices anymore. 

Wonwoo sits in the same chair in front of the same desk. There’s no sign that anyone lived there last year, no new scratches, no stains in the carpet, no cracked tiles in the bathroom. There was a time when this room felt cozy, like home. Now it feels suffocating. His bed is tiny but without the warmth and weight of another body next to him it feels huge and empty. Too lazy to put on a sheet, he lays on the bare mattress, it doesn’t even creak under his weight. He burrows under the blankets but it doesn’t help — he’s always cold. Sleep never comes, but he does his breathing exercises, he hopes it will work one day. Despite being unable to dream, sometimes he thinks he sees a canopy of leaves above him in the dark.

Wonwoo steps into the kitchen. It’s noon and he’s just woken up and very much not ready to see Mingyu bustling about in a pink, frilly apron with his hair sticking out every which way. The sight stops him in his tracks and he just stares, mouth agape. Mingyu turns around and shrieks.

“Christ, hyung, you scared me!”, he says, hand on his heart.

“Um. Sorry…” 

Wonwoo rubs the back of his neck awkwardly and starts shuffling towards his cupboard. He feels Mingyu’s eyes on him and blushes, very glad that he’s facing away from him as he takes out a mug and a jar of instant coffee. Mingyu pipes up as he moves towards the electric kettle.

“Do you want some proper coffee?”

“Sorry?”

“Coffee. Do you want some real coffee? I have a french press and some lovely dark roast, I’ll gladly make you a cup!”

“Uh… why?”, Wonwoo grimaces inwardly at his one-word answers, he sounds like a caveman.

“I just can’t let someone suffer when there’s perfectly good coffee right here ”

“You don’t have to, really. I know how expensive coffee is”

“Don’t worry about that. I have connections”, Mingyu winks

Wonwoo surprises himself by barking out a laugh.

“What, you work for the coffee mafia or something?”

“You could say that. Now, do you want that cup or not?”

“Alright, I’ll have your criminal coffee since you so insist”

Mingyu cracks another one of his sunny smiles and starts measuring out the grounds into the french press as Wonwoo sits on one of the high chairs at the kitchen island. 

He clears his throat a little.

“So, what course are you on?”

“Oh I just started, I’m studying photography”

”Oh, you’ll have to show me your work sometime!” 

Faster than light, Mingyu fishes out his phone and shows Wonwoo his instagram. There’s tons of candid portraits of what must be his friends and some landscape photos. They all have the same type of warmth Mingyu seems to exude, but instead of telling him that, Wonwoo says that they’re cool.

”So, I assume that since you insist on calling me ’hyung’ that you’re a first year?”

”Mm-hmm! Are you a second year, hyung?”

”I am. I did my first year somewhere else though, so I feel like a freshman too. Well, apart from the constant pressure to party all night every night”, he plays the comment off with a small laugh. Normally he wouldn’t care, but for some reason he really wants to make a good impression on Mingyu.

“Oh? Why did you transfer?”

Wonwoo grimaces inwardly, he knew people would ask the question, but he wasn’t prepared for it to come so soon.

”Well, uhh. I um-”

”Hyung, if it’s personal or something, you don’t have to tell me! I shouldn’t have asked!” Mingyu looks so sincere and so alarmed. Wonwoo can’t take it and decides to take the plunge. 

”It’s okay, really! It is a bit personal but I don’t mind talking to you about it”

Mingyu fixes a sympathetic look on his face  as he sits down opposite of Wonwoo, and slides a steaming cup of coffee over to him. 

Wonwoo takes a fortifying sip of his coffee and sighs.

”Long story short, I did my first year of university on a much smaller campus closer to my hometown. A girl found out that I’m… I’m gay and started a nasty rumour that involved my best friend... in the end, enough people believed it to make things very uncomfortable for me. And my best friend believed it too and wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I thought about dropping out completely but my brother told me I shouldn’t quit and convinced me to transfer here, to the big city, where people are more liberal and it’s easier to stay anonymous” 

“By the way, this coffee is amazing”, Wonwoo half moans. “I haven’t had proper coffee in ages, I forgot it could actually be an enjoyable experience”

“Well, I’ll make it for you anytime”

”Ah, I’ll hold you to that”

Wonwoo feels warm and he suspects it’s not just the hot beverage.

The university library is anxiety-inducing. It’s too full, too noisy, too much like nothing has changed. He feels ill, there’s a lump in his throat and he thinks he’s about a minute away from hurling. His long legs transport him to the booth in the back corner, the one with the big window. Bile threatens him with a burning sensation somewhere near his rib cage, but he’s too weary to get up. 

He doesn’t think it would matter much if he vomited all over himself.

The visualisation exercises have now become a habit, albeit a very useless one. He stares out of the large window at the trees swaying slowly in the breeze. He feels the rhythmic swaying of the trees somewhere deep, like a tugging behind his spine,  and joins it. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

He clenches his fist in the pocket of his hoodie and scrunches his eyes closed. The lining of the pocket is soft and warm, like moss on a sunny day.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

The scent of pine needles permeates his nose and he leans back. The moss accepts his weight easily, and the sun feels warm on his face. 

He only comes back to his senses when he hears the jingle of his classmate’s keys. 

“Dude, you were out !”

“Um, yeah, sorry about that, I didn’t sleep well last night”, he mumbles as he scrubs his face with his hands. It’s technically not a lie, he doesn’t sleep these days.

His phone chimes. It’s a snapchat notification from Mingyu. Wonwoo doesn’t really understand the app, but he downloaded it a while ago just so he could get closer to Mingyu — a fact he’ll take to his grave. It’s just a photo of a movie ticket. He replies back with a picture of himself looking tired and haggard, face planted on his keyboard.

“Meanwhile I’m getting ready to pull an all-nighter :(“

Mingyu doesn’t reply and Wonwoo surmises his movie has probably started. He gets back to working on his essay. A few hours later he wakes up to someone knocking on his door. Confused and a bit disoriented he gets up and opens the door to find Mingyu behind it holding a plate with two sandwiches and a cup of coffee.

“I figured you’ve probably forgotten to eat and could use some energy while you work on your essay!”

Wonwoo blinks slowly and tries to suffocate the butterflies in his stomach. Mingyu’s probably like this with everyone, don’t read into it. 

Mingyu squeezes past him and sets the plate and the cup on Wonwoo’s desk and then throws himself onto the small bed. Wonwoo sits down on the chair and turns his attention to the sandwich to avoid thinking about Mingyu in. his. bed.  

“This might be the best sandwich I’ve ever eaten”, Wonwoo moans around a mouthful.

Mingyu blushes and looks away from Wonwoo. He always gets flustered when Wonwoo comments on his cooking skills, something which he does more than is strictly necessary cause the flush that spreads over Mingyu’s tanned cheeks is absolutely adorable. Mingyu stays on Wonwoo’s bed, doing something or other on his phone while Wonwoo works on his essay.

It’s 4:30 a.m and Wonwoo stretches, his back cracking. His essay is finally done. He quickly logs onto the university’s academic portal and submits it. He closes the lid of his laptop, takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. When he gets up he sees that Mingyu’s still on his bed, now asleep. He’s tangled up in Wonwoo’s sheets, cheek pressed firmly against the pillow, mouth slightly open. The sight makes Wonwoo smile, but it’s bittersweet — his crush has gotten to the point where he’s unable to put it out of his mind when he’s around Mingyu. He knows it’s dangerous and most likely unrequited. He pads into his tiny en suite bathroom and brushes his teeth before he can deal with the young man in his bed.

“Mingyu. Mingyu… Mingyu wake up”

Mingyu stirs and makes an indignant sound.

“Mingyu you gotta get up, you need to go sleep in your own bed”

“No”, he sounds like a petulant toddler. Wonwoo can’t help chuckle quietly.

“Yes. Come on, get up”

“Nnnnno, we can shleeb together”, he sleepily slurs out.

Wonwoo sighs, he’s too tired to argue, and the tiny voice at the back of his mind reminds him that this might be the only chance to be so close to Mingyu.

“Ok, fine. Scoot over”

The bed is tiny, and it takes a lot of scooting and shuffling to be able to fit both tall men into it somewhat comfortably. Wonwoo ends up being the big spoon with Mingyu sleeping between him and the wall. Wonwoo tries to avoid touching Mingyu as much as possible, but despite his nervousness, he ends up falling asleep within minutes of getting settled. 

The first rays of dawn hit Wonwoo in the face, waking him up. In his sleep he’s pressed closer to Mingyu, his nose buried in the short hairs at the back of Mingyu’s neck with his arm thrown around Mingyu’s torso. He really tries not to, but he can’t resist breathing in Mingyu’s scent. He smells faintly of pine needles and something fresh and light, like just washed laundry. This makes Mingyu stir and for a few seconds Wonwoo thinks he’s woken him up but Mingyu just ends up smacking his lips and burrowing closer to Wonwoo. Wonwoo holds his breath, not daring to move. He doesn’t want Mingyu to think he’s a creep. He tightens his hold on Mingyu a bit and decides to go back to sleep.

He wakes up again, this time with Mingyu holding him in a sleepy bear hug, leg slung across his body. He can feel Mingyu’s breath on the side of his neck, and try as he might, he can’t control his body’s response and lays there, face completely red with an embarrassing hard-on. Scared of Mingyu waking up and noticing it, he carefully extricates himself and slips into the en suite for a shower. Face still burning, he frantically tugs at his erection and bites his lip, careful not to make a sound. Just thinking about being pressed so close to Mingyu makes him come in record time. Shamefaced, he cleans himself up and when he steps out of the shower with a towel around his waist, Mingyu’s gone.

Wonwoo’s stomach drops. He must’ve noticed , he thinks.

Wonwoo stares at the tiles as water from the shower beats down upon him. There’s mold in between the tiles and one of them is cracked, the one right next to the drain, on the left side of it. He remembers it from before. Back then the state of the bathroom annoyed him — he pays an exorbitant amount of money for this shithole. Now he just sighs numbly and thinks about how things get broken so easily, but fixing them is so difficult. The sound of the water melts into the sound of leaves rustling in the wind. Time bleeds together, and when Wonwoo steps out of the shower, he notices that his skin has turned bright red from the hot water. 

Normally he avoids mirrors. Seeing himself looking the same as he did before everything makes him angry. Why is he still here, why does he look the same, why hasn’t the ugliness on the inside spread to the surface?

He consider getting back into the shower but then reminds himself of how much money his parents are forking out for him to be able to study in the city, and for him to get therapy so he sits on his bed, with a damp towel still tied around his hips, beads of water traveling from his hair, down his spine and pooling where skin meets terry cloth. 

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Dr. Jo suggested that he use a happy place he’s been to for this exercise to make it easier to do, but Wonwoo isn’t sure if he knew that it’d be extremely painful to go back to. Sometimes he wonders if he even deserves a happy place anymore? Is it right for him to return there when it was never his to begin with — he was always just a guest.

Mingyu hasn’t changed his behaviour towards Wonwoo, if anything he’s attached himself to Wonwoo like a puppy. They spend a lot of time in Wonwoo’s room, watching Netflix or just chatting. Mingyu’s even managed to drag Wonwoo along to meet his friends and Wonwoo finds he doesn’t really mind their company. Somehow as things move along, Wonwoo’s friends join the group. Seokmin and Soonyoung hit it off especially well, and quickly become annoyingly in-tune with each other, creating the comedy duo of Wonwoo’s nightmares. Mingyu’s as touchy with everyone as Wonwoo thought he would be before he’d seen him interact with other people, but sometimes when he sits right next to Wonwoo and slings his arm around Wonwoo’s shoulders, Minghao will look Wonwoo in the eye and wink. This is bewildering to Wonwoo and he ends up spending many sleepless nights analysing Mingyu’s behaviour, his own behaviour and Minghao’s behaviour in an attempt to understand what’s behind those knowing gazes and winks. 

Sometimes he considers asking Seungcheol, but he’s still having a hard time trusting others with his secrets. Except for Mingyu. He would put his life into Mingyu’s hands. 

Watching Mingyu interact with the others, Wonwoo notices he’s wearing a mask. Something about the Mingyu Wonwoo knew first is softer, more vulnerable, more comfortable in his skin. He thinks he’s probably just imagining it, dreaming that he knows a part of Mingyu others don’t, that he’s somehow closer to him than others. It’s the only dream he’ll allow himself to hold onto.

Mingyu loves cooking and Wonwoo loves Mingyu’s cooking. Might even love Mingyu. They’ve developed a cozy Sunday routine - Mingyu cooks and Wonwoo does the dishes. No matter what, Sunday is their day and Wonwoo’s heart aches sweetly whenever Mingyu turns down offers to socialise with his other friends. 

“Sorry, can’t. Me and Nonu are having a Masterchef marathon today. Yeah, I know, it’s our thing. Mm-hm, yeah, okay, yeah Wednesday sounds good. Okaygottagobye!”, Mingyu ends the call and tosses his phone carelessly onto Wonwoo’s bed. He grabs his plate and plants himself next to Wonwoo, who positions his laptop onto his desk so that they can see the screen better. He presses play and sits next to Mingyu, leaving a bit of space between their legs — he’s still paranoid Mingyu will somehow sense Wonwoo’s pathetic crush on him and what happened the previous year will repeat itself.

“Ugh I can’t stand him! Talking such a big game even after burning his ganache, absolutely ridiculous!! What do the judges even see in him, he produces mediocre food every time!”  Mingyu’s getting really into the show, and somehow he manages to pull Wonwoo into it as well and before long they’re both yelling at the laptop.

“Imagine being so insolent that you tell Gordon fucking Ramsay that you don’t need his advice, oh my god !” Wonwoo’s on the edge of the bed, gesturing violently towards the screen and as he looks at Mingyu he sees him being wrecked by silent giggles.

“Wh- what are you laughing at?”

“You! You’re so cute, all worked up like that over a show you didn’t even care about two weeks ago!”

Wonwoo’s mind comes screeching to a halt at the word ‘cute’ and he gapes at Mingyu. In an instant that feels like minutes, Mingyu scoots up onto his knees, gently takes Wonwoo’s face into his hands and kisses him softly. Wonwoo sighs as Mingyu pulls away. He doesn’t want to open his eyes in case it’s a dream. 

“Um, sorry I shouldn’t have done that I just- I thought maybe…”  Mingyu shoots up off the bed and Wonwoo opens his eyes. He manages to grab the back of Mingyu’s t-shirt and yanks it. Mingyu turns and looks at Wonwoo uncomfortably.

“You thought right”

“I… did?”

“Yeah. Haven’t I been obvious enough?”

Wonwoo smiles gently and gives Mingyu’s t-shirt a gentle tug. In a flurry of motion, Mingyu crashes into Wonwoo’s lap awkwardly. In his eagerness to kiss Wonwoo, Mingyu manages to knock their foreheads together and their teeth click together painfully. Mingyu tries to apologise but before he can get the word out, Wonwoo plants his lips on Mingyu’s. 

“Oh my god, I’ve been wanting to do this for ages”, Mingyu confesses breathlessly.

“Ages?”

“Ages”

Mingyu kisses Wonwoo deeply and pushes him onto his back gently. They spend what feels like an eternity just trading kisses and half-whispered confessions. 

“It’s getting late, don’t you have an 8 a.m lecture tomorrow?”

“I do, but I don’t want to leave now. What if you change your mind?”

Wonwoo chuckles and kisses Mingyu’s pouting lips.

“I wouldn’t change my mind but… you could always stay the night?”

“The bed’s really small”

“So? We’ve slept in this exact bed before and we both fit in it perfectly well”

“Are you sure?”

“Mingyu I’ve been dreaming of being able to share the bed with you, don’t worry”

After some more convincing, Mingyu’s happy enough that Wonwoo really wants him to sleep over and fetches his toothbrush and pajamas from his room. They brush their teeth together and can’t stop smiling at each other in the mirror. When they settle into bed, Wonwoo ends up as the big spoon again. He breathes in Mingyu’s scent and kisses his neck where his skull joins his spine. Mingyu squirms a little, so he does it again. Again. Again. Mingyu grinds into Wonwoo’s pelvis and grabs the arm loosely draped around him and slowly pushes Wonwoo’s hand down towards his groin.

“Hyung”

Wonwoo chokes on his tongue and grinds against Mingyu’s ass.

“Hyung, please”, Mingyu whines, deep in his throat. 

Who is Wonwoo to deny him anything?

Dr. Jo told Wonwoo it would be good for him to take part in some type of extra-curricular activities, so he joined the film society. He hasn’t told the good doctor that the society doesn’t involve socialising. Normally he arrives just as the movie’s about to start and slips out just as the credits start to roll, but this time the third years who run the society have asked people what movies they’d like the society to screen so Wonwoo shuffles down the auditorium steps, lingering on the edges of the group of people, waiting for them to leave.

“Wonwoo-hyung!”

Wonwoo’s blood runs cold and he looks around him, panicked and bewildered. He can’t be hearing voices, can he?

“I can call you hyung, right?” comes a nervous voice from his right. He turns around and recognises the round-faced young man immediately.

“Ah! Boo Seungkwan, right?”

“You remembered!”

Seungkwan is a first year TV production student who’s just moved to the UK from Korea, purely to be able to study there in an international environment. Not far behind him is Vernon, a first year music production student who’s lived in the States for a good chunk of his life. The two are inseparable and complement each other’s personalities beautifully. Despite trying his hardest to distance himself from people during his third year, Wonwoo can’t help being warm towards the two young Koreans, especially Seungkwan who, despite being sociable and quick to make friends, is no doubt still adjusting to life in another country. 

“You don’t have to call me hyung, we’re not in Korea”

“Okay, bro!” Seungkwan says, in imitation of Vernon. Wonwoo chuckles a bit. He doesn’t think it’s polite to tell Seungkwan that bro and hyung aren’t really interchangeable.

“What’s up, is there something you need?”

“The Korean culture society is hosting a Chuseok event this year and we were wondering if you wanted to join us?”

“Chuseok? Oh wow, I haven’t celebrated Chuseok since I moved here!” Wonwoo feels a childlike burst of excitement in his chest. He agrees before his brain catches up to his tongue, and for a while he feels buoyant. When he gets to his room, he remembers that he has celebrated Chuseok after transferring to this university, and he’s angry at himself for forgetting. 

Chuseok happens upon a weekend that year, a lucky coincidence that grants the Korean students a chance to travel to meet with their relatives. Wonwoo’s parents and brother had already decided to fly to Korea for Chuseok, to meet his grandparents. Wonwoo would be bitter, but Mingyu’s family has offered him a place in their home for the holiday. Wonwoo’s eager to meet the people who shaped his boyfriend into such a warm person.

Mingyu, like Wonwoo, lives in a small-ish town and his childhood home lies at the edge of a forest.

Mingyu’s mother treats Wonwoo like one of her own and while he’d normally feel awkward, he feels warm and at ease, like he’s done with Mingyu from the start. He wonders if the Kim family has pacifying magical powers. Mingyu’s father is a quintessential dad, cracking puns at every chance. Wonwoo finds himself swept away in the atmosphere and after the dinner, him and Mr. Kim both try to outdo each other with puns worse than the previous one.

The morning of the celebration greets them with sunshine. As soon as the last metal spoon clangs against the empty rice bowl, Mrs. Kim sends the men in the household out. Mr. Kim takes the family car and starts off towards the train station to get Mingyu’s aunt and cousins. As Wonwoo puts his shoes on, Mingyu flashes a dazzling smile at Wonwoo.

“I want to take you to my favourite place”

“I thought it was the kitchen”, Wonwoo jokes.

“Ha ha very funny. Come on, get your coat and let’s go already”

 Despite it being October, the weather is warm. Mingyu grabs Wonwoo’s hand and starts striding towards the edge of the forest. The forest floor is mossy, and as they walk, the crunching of the fallen leaves and the snapping of the twigs sounds unproportionately loud in the stillness of it. They trod in silence until they come to a small clearing. Mingyu stops abruptly and lets go of Wonwoo’s hand. He sits on the mossy floor and looks up at Wonwoo, patting the space next to him. Wonwoo obliges, pulling his knees to his chest and looking at Mingyu expectantly. Mingyu sighs and falls onto his back, looking at the canopy of pine branches above them. 

“This is my favourite place in the whole world”

Mingyu, normally so boisterous, seems small, vulnerable, and it takes Wonwoo a minute to realise that he’s waiting for Wonwoo’s judgement. Wonwoo lies down next to Mingyu and takes his hand, squeezing it lighty.

“I can see how it would be. It’s very calming in here”

“Me and my cousins used to play here all the time when we were kids. There’s even a tiny stream not far from here that we used to drink from”

Wonwoo smiles at the thought of tiny Mingyu running amuck here, and how the laughter of the children ringing out in the forest.

“I’m surprised we didn’t get sick from it, honestly”, Mingyu laughs. “Could’ve gotten a tapeworm or something”

They continue gazing up at the slivers of the blue sky, visible through the gaps between the trees. Wonwoo breathes deeply and realises it all smells exactly like Mingyu.

“Is this the reason why you wear pine-scented aftershave?”

“I don’t wear perfumes or aftershave actually, they give me headache”

Of course, it’s so like Mingyu to just smell amazing naturally.

A small, pudgy man with greying hair and a kind face emerges from a door at the end of the hallway and calls Wonwoo’s name like a question. Wonwoo draws in a breath, it was supposed to be calming but the overwhelming smell of hand sanitiser is all he gets. Stepping into the room surprises Wonwoo. Against his grim expectations it’s cozy and inviting. There's a small lamp in the corner, bathing a part of the room in yellow light, and leaving the rest of it in shadows. The man shakes Wonwoo’s hand and gestures him towards a plush loveseat. 

“So, Wonwoo. I’m Dr. Jo, it’s nice to meet you”

Wonwoo hums and nods.

“Before we start, I’d just like to discuss your situation with you shortly. Do you know why you’re here?”

“Um. I keep getting panic attacks and uhh, I guess they think I’m depressed?”

“And who’s they?”

“Well the student wellbeing team at my uni and um, the family doctor”

“Am I correct in understanding then, that you sought out the student wellbeing team on your own to get help with this?”

“Um, yeah. And they told me to go to the doctor and she told me to come here, so….”, He trails off and looks at his shoes. There’s dried mud at the tip of the left one, and the ends of the laces look frayed.

“So now you’re here”

“Yeah”

“Well, first of all I’m proud of you for seeking help, it can be a very difficult thing to do”

Wonwoo squirms at that and murmurs a quiet ‘thank you’. It feels strange to have a complete stranger tell him that they’re proud of him. Dr. Jo gives him a questionnaire to fill regarding his symptoms and mostly discusses the different types of treatment available. After forty-five minutes their time is up, and Wonwoo shuffles back into the hallway that smells like hand sanitiser. He’s not sure if he feels good about this or not.

It’s been a month since Chuseok and deadlines are pressing on them but because Seungcheol hasn’t seen Wonwoo in two weeks, he decides to drag him to a pub. It’s just them, and despite it being quiet, they sit in a corner booth that conceals them from most of the room.

“So, how’ve you been?”, Seungcheol asks in a fatherly manner. He’s only a year older than Wonwoo, and despite being goofy and childish when they’re in a group, he can turn serious and fatherly one-on-one.

“I’ve been okay”

“Are you eating enough? Getting enough sleep?” 

Despite knowing Wonwoo for a short amount of time, Seungcheol has honed in on Wonwoo’s worst habits easily — when he’s stressed out he forgets to eat and often ends up staying up so late working on his assignments that he runs on three-ish hours of sleep.

“I am actually, Mingyu’s trying to fatten me up”, Wonwoo laughs. Seungcheol trains an appraising gaze on him.

“Mingyu, huh?”

Wonwoo considers lying, he’s still worried about history repeating itself, but he trusts Seungcheol. He fixes his eyes on the condensation running down his pint glass.

“Um, yeah. Actually we’re uh- we’re dating. Have been for almost two months now”

Seungcheol lets out a whoop, and the reaction surprises Wonwoo so much that he lifts his head suddenly.

“Wonwoo that’s amazing! Congratulations!”

Seungcheol’s smile is so wide that Wonwoo’s certain his face will split. He doesn’t ask Wonwoo why he didn’t tell them, but Wonwoo decides to tell him anyway. He realises Mingyu is the only person who really knows what happened to him and after he’s done, he feels breathless, as if he’s just run a lap. Seungcheol doesn’t look pitying. Wonwoo feels tears pricking at his eyes, and blinks them away hurriedly. It feels good to be accepted.

Two weeks later, spurred on by Seungcheol’s acceptance, Mingyu and Wonwoo announce their relationship to their group of friends. Mingyu never pressured Wonwoo about coming out as a couple, but Wonwoo knows that Mingyu’s ecstatic about being able to share his happiness with his friends.

Dr. Jo’s visualisation technique is working. Wonwoo’s straddled with deadlines, but for the first time he’s able to sleep. He managed a record sixteen hours the previous night. In his dreams, he’s in a forest, twigs snapping beneath his feet as he frantically looks for something. Despite the dreams being almost stressful, he wakes up in the mornings with a faint smile on his face, calmer than he’s been in over a year. 

He floats through his days, waiting for the evening, breathing in sync with a rustling of leaves that only exists in his mind. He wants to go back to sleep, he feels like he’ll find what he’s looking for if he could just go back to sleep and continue his trek. 

“Hyung, who’s this?”, Seungkwan’s question brings Wonwoo back to the present moment. He seems to zone out a lot more these days. Wonwoo plucks his phone from Seungkwan’s fingers and turns to the screen towards himself. It’s a selfie with him kissing Mingyu, who is giggling with his eyes crinkling cutely, on the cheek. Wonwoo hasn’t forgotten, how could he? He just hasn’t looked at the photos of them filling up the camera roll cause it’s been too painful. On some days he feels so cold that he wonders if the warmth of Mingyu ever actually touched his life.

“It’s my ex-boyfriend. I’m sorry, I gotta go”, Wonwoo grabs his bag and hurries out of the library. He knows his exit is going to only result in more questions he’ll have to answer later, but right now he can’t do this. His legs feel shaky but are still able to take him to the nearest toilet. He slams the door of the cubicle closed and his knees hit the tiled floor so hard that he sees stars. Bile burns his esophagus and he screws his eyes shut as he vomits. His diet these days consists of black coffee and plain ramen when he can force himself to eat, and throwing up the pathetic contents of his stomach makes him weak. He reaches for the lever and flushes the toilet. He pulls his knees to his chest. He doesn’t want to cry, so he closes his eyes and breathes. The faint smell of urine and bleach starts to fade, and before long he’s trudging through the forest again. There’s a newfound urgency now and no matter how much he walks, he feels like he’s not advancing at all.

At the back of his mind he thinks it must be because he’s not ready yet.

The six-month mark of their relationship hits just as the academic year is ending. Wonwoo spent the better amount of a month perfecting a pasta recipe in order to treat Mingyu who’s always cooking for him. Given the fact that they share a very small kitchen, keeping it secret has been a chore and a half, but with the help of their group of friends, he’s somehow managed it. He plates the pasta and leaves the kitchen, balancing the plates on both hands. He can’t really knock, so he kicks the door a few times. Mingyu’s face when he sees Wonwoo is priceless.

“Surprise! Happy six-month anniversary, babe!”

“Oh my god, did you cook ?”

“Yeah. It’s nothing special but I wanted to cook for you for once since you’re always keeping me fed”

Mingyu does a little dance and grabs one of the plates from Wonwoo. He tucks in with gusto. After a few bites he clears his throat.

“Is there too much chili?”, Wonwoo asks

“If it’s habanero, that one always makes my throat itch”, Mingyu says easily and reaches for his glass of water. He takes a sip but it only makes him cough more. Mingyu’s face is starting to go red and Wonwoo looks at him with alarm.

“Allergy”, Mingyu manages to get out in between coughs, he’s starting to wheeze now.  Wonwoo looks at the plate, horrified, trying to think of something that he used that could’ve had nuts in it. Mingyu’s wheezing is getting worse and Wonwoo drops the plate, pasta spilling all over the carpet, in order to rummage through Mingyu’s desk drawers.

“Mingyu. Mingyu, babe, where’s your EpiPen?” Mingyu’s holding a hand on his throat, pointing furiously towards his bag. Wonwoo runs over to it and unceremoniously turns it over. He’s looking through Mingyu’s things but it’s not there. He turns to Mingyu and sees that his eyes are wide in alarm

“I….forgot…”

Ice fills Wonwoo’s veins and he grabs his phone. His hands are shaking so much that he drops his phone and the screen shatters. The emergency number answers after one ring.

“Please, please you have to help my boyfriend’s having an allergic reaction and I can’t find his epipen please, help me, please” Wonwoo cries into the receiver. He crawls towards Mingyu on his knees while he’s trying to answer the questions of the dispatcher on the other end of the line. They tell him an ambulance is on the way, but Mingyu’s laboured, wheezing breaths are getting fewer and farther in between and Wonwoo watches helplessly as his boyfriend asphyxiates in front of him. He holds onto Mingyu’s hand and wails. He leans his forehead on Mingyu’s knee and his tears soak through the soft denim. He hears the sirens of the ambulance getting nearer, and in a daze goes downstairs to let them in. When the EMTs see Wonwoo’s face, they seem to realise instantaneously what has happened. One of them wraps a blanket around Wonwoo’s shoulders and gently gets him to lead them to Mingyu’s body. When Wonwoo sees him again, his knees give out and he falls onto the floor heavily. He tries to scream, but no sound comes out. The gentle EMT asks Wonwoo if he knows how to contact Mingyu’s parents. 

Wonwoo hands him Mingyu’s phone and dials Mrs. Kim.

The Kims arrive in the middle of the night, and the always lovely Mrs. Kim just walks past Wonwoo with a pinched expression on her face. Wonwoo hears her cry out when she enters the room. Mr. Kim stops and puts a hand on Wonwoo’s shoulder.

“I can help you…. you know um” pack. I can help you pack. 

Mr. Kim just shakes his head wordlessly, and then he’s gone, disappeared into Mingyu’s room.

Ever since Seungkwan found the picture of Mingyu and him that Wonwoo had tried to ignore so hard, he’s gone on a deep dive. He found a recording Mingyu apparently made when Wonwoo was sleeping. He never found it when Mingyu was still with him.

“Hey babe. You’re sleeping right next to me now. I decided to record you a message you could listen to during the summer when we won’t be able to see each other that much. You make me feel invincible. When you kiss me, I feel like I can fly. You make flowers bloom in my chest and I wish I could give you the whole world, but I hope that a moment next to you is enough. You’re my safe space, Nonu…. Haha, that was a bit cheesy, wasn’t it? Anyway, I love you. Just the thought of summer break is making me miss you” 

He thought the message would be painful, but hearing Mingyu’s voice again makes warmth bloom in his chest. He repeats the message, and falls asleep listening to it.

He’s so close. He’s been walking for days, stopping sometimes to sleep but he finally feels like he’s nearing the end. The wind has stopped, and there’s more and more light streaming in from above. He sees a clearing ahead, and breaks into a run. He gets tripped up by a tree root and falls on his face. A twig scratches his cheek but he gets up and keeps going.

He reaches the clearing and it looks just like it did that day in October. 

“I finally found my safe space, Dr. Jo”, he thinks . The clearing is empty, but he doesn’t mind waiting.

It’s summer now, and the spots of sunlight on the moss are inviting. He lays down in one of them and sets his glasses next to him, on the night table. His body sinks into the forest floor and he’s finally warm.

He waits and as he breathes, the trees breathe with him.

In June, the emergency services are once again called to flat 17. Miles remembers being called there before, almost two years ago. This time they enter room 96, instead of the one next to it. It was his first assignment, and even though he keeps it from the boys at the station, it still makes him sad. The room smells like pine needles. The body on the bed hasn’t started decaying yet,and after a while they notice the rhythmic rise and fall of the chest,  but curiously it seems like there’s moss growing all over the body.