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Rodney couldn't help his relief when the walls of the Daedalus formed around him. Daniel was dying - again - and Rodney knew General O'Neill would hold him personally responsible even though it really wasn't his fault. If anyone was to blame then it was Daniel. He was the one who'd come to Atlantis and found Janus's secret laboratory deep inside Atlantis, and it wasn't Rodney's fault that his ATA gene must have activated the subspace beacon that brought the rebel Asgard after them.
He was pushed aside as medical personnel swooped in immediately and Rodney could only hope that they had the skill to save Daniel because, truth be told, he'd always admired and respected Daniel's analytical mind despite Daniel's fascination with the soft sciences. Not that Rodney was ever going to tell him that. Admittedly, he might have weakened for a moment before the Asgard beam transported them on board the Daedalus, when he thought they were both going to die alone and abandoned by their captors. At least, *he* would have died alone because Daniel... He swallowed hard on that thought.
Five days, he had reckoned; five days before he would have followed Daniel into death from lack of water. Five days to contemplate all his regrets before his brilliance was lost from this universe forever; with only a few to mourn his passing. Perhaps in a hundred years someone would have come across his remains and wondered who he was, just as he had wondered about the desiccated body in the pod opposite his own on the hive ship several years back.
He winced, hating the reminder of another time when he'd believed his life was over.
As the Daedalus staff helped him out of the Asgard environment suit, he realized that although he had been scared that he and Daniel might never be found, what had terrified him more was the thought of never knowing what had happened to Atlantis. For all he knew even now, Atlantis was a pile of rubble scattered across an alien ocean but he was too afraid to ask, too afraid to learn the terrible truth that the city was gone -- and John with it.
"McKay!"
His eyes widened as a familiar drawl broke through his thoughts and he whipped his head round fast enough to make the muscles twang with a sharp pain that drilled up into his skull.
"What are you doing here?" A shocking thought hit him. "Oh God! Atlantis is gone! You dialed the gate and now Atlantis is..."
"Fine!" John gave that small nervous twitch that had Rodney narrowing his eyes. "Mostly fine. We collapsed the city shield around the gate to contain most of the blast."
"The shield? Most of the...? You destroyed the gate room?"
"No," he drawled. "If I'm guessing correctly about the Alteran device, *you* destroyed the gate room by activating it."
"Well they didn't exactly give me much of a choice," he stated in a huff, "And once I knew why Janus had abandoned that technology, I tried to convince the renegade Asgard to let me switch it back off." John had raised an eyebrow. "Yes, yes. Daniel tried too." Rodney ducked his head a moment as a mixture of guilt and relief flooded through him. Millions could be dead, but Atlantis was still there, mostly... and John was alive. He looked back up when he realized he'd just assumed. "Was anyone hurt?"
"No..." Though Rodney could hear the lie in his voice. "Though Zelenka got a little singed around the edges." John reached out and slapped Rodney on the back of his shoulder. "Come on. You're a little cranky so I'm gonna guess they didn't feed you."
***
Daniel was stable by the time they got him settled into the infirmary on Atlantis and Rodney felt himself drawn back time and again just to verify with his own eyes that Daniel was recovering. Not that he didn't trust Jennifer, except, maybe he didn't really trust her as much as he should. Perhaps if medicine was a more exact science but too much fell into the realms of black magic for Rodney's liking.
His thoughts returned to Janus's off-world laboratory. He could recall the lightning strike so vividly, see it hitting Daniel and throwing him backwards. He could still see the pain in Daniel's eyes and the tightness around his mouth as he casually informed Rodney that he wasn't okay, that he was dying, and it had seemed so unfair. Rodney had already saved Daniel's life by working on the device because he had sensed that the creatures inhabiting the environment suits were not bluffing when they said they would kill Daniel if Rodney didn't cooperate. It wasn't fair that he had saved Daniel only to see him cut down right next to him only seconds before he figured out which of the crystals would safely deactivate the transmitter.
He found himself walking back into the infirmary, heading straight for the bed that held Daniel unerringly, unable to hide a grin when he noticed Daniel sitting up, conscious at last.
Woolsey had informed him half an hour earlier that once the new Stargate was in place then they planned to send Daniel back to Earth to recover so this might be the last time he could check up on the man. He strode up to the bed and paused, wincing slightly at Daniel's pained expression but if the man would insist on trying to eat the fruit cup when it obviously hurt to do so, then he had no one to blame but himself.
When Rodney left ten minutes later, having snacked on the leftovers on Daniel's lunch tray, he felt a momentary stab of guilt for not telling Daniel the truth--that he did respect him - but it was hard to change the habits of a lifetime and open himself up to the emotional pain that came with admitting feelings for others. He was working on it though, but finding it easier to say the words to those he cared a little less about. Daniel was right, though. It had taken almost dying from the ascension device for Rodney to make his peace with his friends that first time, and the loss of his intellect through an alien parasite for him to admit it the last time. He could walk into sentient energy clouds and face down Wraith but he couldn't find the courage to tell John how much he... how much he... he... cared about him.
Rodney winced, aware that he'd never be able to say the words out loud if he couldn't even say them inside his own head. Distracted by his thoughts, he didn't notice John leaning on the wall just outside the infirmary until the man fell into step beside him, startling Rodney. Hand to his heart, he sucked in a breath.
"What, are you crazy? Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"
John merely raised both eyebrows as if Rodney had made an interesting suggestion before grinning smugly. "Heard Doctor Jackson is heading home later today."
"Yes, you heard right. As soon as my team has connected the new Stargate to our systems, we can dial Earth and send Daniel back."
"Good."
Rodney made a double-take. "Good?"
He frowned as John gave a strange little shrug and pulled one of his funny faces. "One trouble magnet around this place is enough."
Rodney stopped in his tracks and stared hard as John took two more steps ahead of him before looking back casually. "Oh no, you don't. You can't hold me responsible for everything that happens in Pegasus."
John reached back and snagged Rodney's jacket, dragging him back into motion. "Well, there was the temple on PZ--"
"That was Ronon with the knives concealed...everywhere."
"And let's not forget--"
"On the contrary, let's do forget or I'll mention a few times when you and your sentient hair have gotten us into trouble."
Like Pavlov's dog, John reached up to his hair as soon as it was mentioned, as if to verify that it was still there or maybe it really was sentient and he was simply mollifying it before it went on a psycho rampage and tried to skewer Rodney with all those spikes. Rodney pulled up short and gave a baffled, "Huh," when he realized his feet had taken him to the mess hall when he'd intended to go to the gate room to check on the restoration work. Having just eaten most of Daniel's lunch, he wasn't actually that hungry but then decided there was always room for more.
He took a tray and piled it with his favorites before having a twinge of conscience and replacing the fruit cup. He didn't much care for fruit cups anyway; only usually bothering when Teyla or Jennifer was watching to make sure he was eating his five fresh fruit and vegetables per day. He'd managed to survive years on bad coffee, pop tarts and pizza so he didn't understand what all the fuss was about anyway. The fruit cup appeared back on his tray.
"What? Are you my mother?"
John shrugged. "If you don't want it, you can always give it away."
Rodney frowned at the slight tightness in John's eyes, wondering what he had against Rodney and fruit cups. It was a warm day so they grabbed a table overlooking the sea. As soon as he was settled, Rodney picked up the fruit cup and firmly placed it on John's tray.
"You could have just taken two," he stated peevishly.
John gave him a strangely soft smile. "Not the same."
***
John hid a smile as he ate his sandwich. The thing about Rodney was once you got him onto the right topic, he could prattle on for an hour with only a look or the occasional word to keep him going. An animated Rodney was even better, with hands flying, eyes shining, and with that infectious grin sending shivers of pleasure racing through John. He guessed that only he could find Rodney talking through a mouthful of food more endearing than disgusting. Perhaps it was simply the relief of seeing him so alive especially after these past couple of days that had started with the sight of Rodney being dragged unconscious by one arm from Janus's laboratory and transported away.
He hadn't felt that impotent since Afghanistan; not when all the bullets in the world had not been able to stop someone simply walking in and taking his people... taking Rodney. John had refused to believe that he'd lost Rodney forever, determined to find him no matter how long it took or how far he would have to go so it was fortunate Zelenka had managed to pinpoint where he'd been taken. Thanks to Larrin, getting there had been the least of his difficulties following the explosion that took out the Stargate and part of the gate room.
Hearing Rodney's most irritating tone in the Daedalus's infirmary was better than any choir of angels. If John had not had his own duties to perform, then he might have found himself following Rodney around for the next month just so he could make sure Rodney was safe on Atlantis. Or as safe as any of them could be under any given circumstances. Hell, having Rodney abducted from right beneath his nose on Atlantis had never even crossed his mind since the Storm in the very first year, and he'd taken out sixty Genii to stop that happening.
As soon as the Stargate was operational, Jackson was sent through to Earth with a few marines whose tour of duty had finished, and a few scientists who simply didn't want to stay any longer. As far as John was concerned, the rewards of being here far outweighed the danger but he knew not everyone saw things the same way.
***
Months passed by, filled with the usual mix of danger and mayhem, but mingled with good times too; like racing cars with Rodney in the empty east pier corridors. Those months also saw the growing romance between Rodney and Keller, and just like before, John bit his tongue as Keller tried to mold Rodney into a different man when, as far as John was concerned, he was already perfect for all his personality quirks.
He snorted softly at that. He saw them as quirks and Keller saw them as flaws, and yet those so-called flaws had kept everyone alive for years. It was hard watching Rodney when Keller was around, seeing him struggling to be what she wanted, watching him bend so far over backwards that John thought he might snap. In truth he hated it but he wasn't going to interfere, not when he had nothing to offer Rodney in return.
Standing out on the balcony looking out over the city of San Francisco, seemed more unreal than the alien world he had stood upon only days earlier with its multiple moons glowing in the night sky. Yet, what he hated most was the distance between him and Rodney that spanned more than a physical few feet. He couldn't resent Rodney having some happiness but he hated the price Rodney was paying for it, having been down that path himself with Nancy. Keller was already trying to persuade Rodney to leave Atlantis and find a position in the science community on Earth, working through his ego to convince him that he would be happy working in some university or private industry, and going home every night to his white picket fence, 2.4 children and loving wife.
Rodney wasn't that kind of person. He had thrived on the challenges found in Atlantis and Pegasus, where every decision could mean life or death to someone. He would stagnate in a world where the only major decision of the day would be a donut with sprinkles or without. Yet how could John deny Rodney the chance for a normal life if that was what Rodney wanted.
He felt small yet strong fingers wrap around the hand that held the balcony rail too hard and eased his white-knuckled grip. A glance sideways showed Teyla's compassionate face and he tried to smile some reassurance.
***
Rodney rolled his shoulders and stretched to ease some of the kinks in his back from spending too many long hours either hunched over his laptop or bent awkwardly around some piece of Ancient technology. He sighed tiredly, his thoughts not solely on the problems lying before him.
The damage to Atlantis, sustained in the fight against the super-hive and the less than perfect landing, had kept Atlantis unfit for flight for weeks. At a time when it should have been far easier to break away for a vacation, Rodney's plans with Jennifer were thwarted by the demands of the city and the constant requests for Rodney's knowledge and assistance. This was his city though, and the very thought of handing Atlantis over to someone less competent was too mind-boggling to contemplate. Admittedly, Radek wasn't so bad but without the ATA gene, he was sometimes denied access to parts of the base code, or to high security areas of the city, unless someone with both the gene and an in-depth understanding of the problem was at hand.
With Carson's gene therapy, they were not lacking for those with the gene but Rodney didn't know many scientists who could match Radek's ability, let alone his own genius with Ancient technology. Sam came close but, like Zelenka, she didn't have the dormant DNA code needed to make the gene therapy work. Of course, Rodney had recently met with many of his peers on Earth but most of them were idiots, including Malcolm Tunney, who had nearly destroyed the whole planet in his well-meaning but ill-advised attempt to stop global warming. Perhaps if the man had understood even a fraction of the stolen paper--that Rodney had submitted to the SGC following the Rod and Jeannie inter-dimensional disaster--then Rodney might have, begrudgingly, mentioned Tunney's name to the SGC as a possible replacement, and even then there was still only a 48% chance that the gene therapy would take.
Jennifer wasn't happy and, to be frank, Rodney was getting a little irritated with the way she kept nagging at him to 'be a better boyfriend'. Yes, he was an hour late meeting her for lunch earlier but what was he supposed to do? Ask some random marine to keep a wrench tight on a leak that could potentially sink the city while he had lunch with his girlfriend? If she couldn't understand his priorities during potentially dangerous situations then how much tolerance would he get when he was working in some safe laboratory?
He had sudden visions of becoming a henpecked man like his father, finally driven from the family home by his nagging wife. Rodney slumped down on the stairs he'd been climbing from deep within the city because the transporter system was offline for vital maintenance.
"Oh God," he stated, appalled and unhappy. "I'm turning into my father."
"Was he a pissy and arrogant astrophysicist too?"
Rodney whipped his head round as John sank down next to him on the stairs. "Oh, ha ha." Rodney looked away, seeing beyond the walls of Atlantis and into the past, to a man who eventually grew a backbone and walked out on his wife and teenage children to shack up with one of his TAs. He had always loved his father but, until that day, Rodney had never held any real respect for him. Now, he could see his own future playing out the same way but, worse, he would look back on these days with bitterness rather than faint nostalgia, knowing he had given up on all of this wonder and discovery for a nine-to-five job in Dullsville, Idaho and a picket fence that he'd have to paint white every year to match the brilliance of the dozen identical picket fences surrounding him.
He reached out and grabbed John by his jacket. "What do I do?"
John's hand reached up to pull his fingers away, though without any great strength, practically holding his hands for several long seconds; the warmth bleeding into his cold fingers and racing along his arms before radiating through his entire body. As his eyes locked with John's, fuzzy memories from another time flooded through him, of finding comfort when he was so afraid he was losing himself to the alien parasite. At the time he had been too lost in his own desperation to read the emotions in John's eyes, but he saw them clearly now.
Since Daniel's translation of an entry by one of Janus's lovers, describing Janus as an isle of solitude, Rodney had fancied that unflatteringly romantic title for himself; it was obvious now that the title belonged to John.
The look was gone almost immediately, shuttered away as if it had been nothing more than an optical illusion but the shock of that revelation sent Rodney's mind into a flat spin, unable to resist as John eased aside Rodney's fingers and pushed up to his feet. The movement brought Rodney's brain back online and he jumped up, grabbing John's arm before he could leave.
"John?"
John wouldn't turn around to face him even though Rodney tugged on his arm. He didn't pull away either.
"How long?" How long had he wanted Rodney?
He felt John tense up beneath his hand. "You can't ask that, and I--"
"Can't tell," Rodney stated through gritted teeth. "Well, you're wrong about that because I'm not a soldier in your backward military."
That gained a response as John glared at him and, at the same moment, the truth hit Rodney. "Oh God." He shook his head in bewilderment. "I thought the self-sacrificing tendencies were out of a misplaced sense of duty to Atlantis and Earth, but you... You would have let me go with Jennifer even though it..."
John shook off Rodney's hand and started to walk away, limbs stiff and tense.
"John!"
"JOHN!"
Memories of another time flooded back, of John leaving him alone on a crashed Wraith supply ship, but this time there was no injured and dying Brendan Gaul to stop him from following. He caught up quickly and grabbed John by the arm once more, unsurprised when the world spun around and he found himself on his back with John above him, pinning him down. It wasn't quite what he'd wanted; his back and ass were already aching from the hard landing, but he'd stopped John in his tracks and got his full attention. John was breathing pretty hard for someone who could climb thirty-five flights of stairs without breaking sweat, and his own breath was coming just as fast but he locked eyes with John, refusing to let him look away.
Some of the anger faded into resignation. "What do you want from me, Rodney?"
"Everything," he replied instantly without a conscious thought, eyes widening when he realized it was the truth. He swallowed hard and repeated the word, stronger. "Everything. I want everything."
The anger flared again. "Even this?" John leaned down and kissed him hard, mashing his lips against Rodney's, teeth scraping against softer skin to leave the slightest taste of blood in Rodney's mouth. He pulled back and Rodney licked his bruised lips.
"Yes," he whispered, watching as the anger drained from John's eyes, leaving behind confusion and what Rodney wanted to read as growing hope.
John stared down at him for several seconds that seemed to stretch into eternity before he lowered his head again and brushed his mouth over Rodney's, tongue soothing the small cut, easing Rodney's lips apart and pushing gently inside his mouth. Tentatively, Rodney licked back, brushing against John's tongue, exchanging taste and trust as he reached up to cradle the back of John's head with one hand, fingers sliding through the surprisingly soft spikes of dark hair.
"Didn't think I could have this," John whispered against his mouth, and Rodney felt his heart break at the wonder in John's voice.
Suddenly, Rodney realized that neither of them needed to be isles of solitude, not if they had each other, and with that new awareness he discovered what was missing from his relationship with Jennifer. Not only did he want everything John could give but he would willingly give everything to John in return, knowing John would accept him just the way he was, with all his quirks and flaws.
When they kissed for a third time, neither of them held back.
END