Chapter Text
Buck knows he fucked up. He knows he needs to make it right. He just doesn't know how to finish fixing it.
Eddie says he forgives him - insists, even, while Buck is trying to apologize properly and find out what Eddie needs from him to make it better. But he can't have, not really. Not deep down. Not just like that, just because Buck asked, because that's not- it's not how things work. He might be trying to go back to what they had, but Buck knows the memory of it must still be there, quietly poisoning their relationship.
Eddie hadn't even managed to fully forgive Shannon, the mother of his child - how on Earth was he meant to be able to just brush what Buck had done aside? Yeah, he knows that he wasn't nearly as important to Eddie as she had been, so it would have hurt less; but that doesn't mean it wasn't a betrayal. And he had far more reason to just keep Buck at a distance than he had with her; Christopher likes him, he knows that, but he'd get over Buck's absence and eventually only remember him as the man who got him caught up in a life-altering tsunami. He wouldn't miss him for long - not like he would always feel his mum's absence.
Buck would remember, though. Buck wouldn't be able to forget. Because he loves that kid, loves him more than he ever thought he could love even his own child, and not being there, not being able to watch him grow up and bloom into the brilliant man he's going to be, he doesn't think he can deal with that. He couldn't deal with losing Chris, just like he couldn't deal with losing Eddie, and he knows he's never going to have them the way he wants, but having them at all makes him luckier than he ever thought he could get.
But he's cracked those bonds that they have, by being thoughtless and reckless, and he knows he hasn't done enough to make up for not being there, for Eddie or for Christopher. If Eddie won't tell him what he can do to get fix it, he needs them to shatter, to fall apart in a way that Eddie can't deny, into pieces he can use to put them back together. He can feel the cracks, the tension; he can't just sit back like he always does and let everything dissolve so slowly he doesn't even realize they're going until it's unsalvageable.
So he pushes.
He stops filtering himself so carefully when they're alone, lets cocky, irritating bullshit fall from his tongue and gets himself into Eddie's space as much as he can, teasing and turning everything into a competition and bumping into him and obnoxiously letting himself spill into Eddie's space the way he always wants to.
One night they're hanging out in his kitchen, having a few beers while Christopher is at a sleep-over, and he's finally getting somewhere - he's been particularly handsy, shoulder-checking Eddie every time he walks past, and managed to get them into a stupid half-argument about nothing again. One second Eddie's eyes are flashing, his lips pressing together, seeming to physically hold himself back from smacking him across the jaw while Buck is insisting the prequels are the best despite never having seen a Star Wars movie in his life. And then Eddie's lips are pressing against his and his teeth are digging into Buck's bottom lip, and Buck's brain only manages to catch up when he's been kissing back long enough for Eddie's tongue to have pressed insistently into his mouth.
Eddie is kissing him.
He'd been preparing himself for an entirely different form of contact, anticipated having to weather Eddie's formidable fighting skills and psyching himself up to mount what was sure to be an ineffective counter-attack, and this isn't what he'd expected but it's everything he'd never dared to want so he throws himself into it with abandon. His arms wrap around Eddie's shoulders and he finally kisses back more aggressively, meeting Eddie's actions and actually using his considerable experience rather than just reacting. He can't help but be overeager, letting his hands wander and climb up Eddie's shirt so he can finally feel the muscles he'd been eyeing for so long, and Eddie is just as physical, one hand twisting in Buck's hair and the other roaming his back before Buck manages to pull himself away from Eddie's mouth to kiss along his jaw. Eddie's hands drag down him, then, and make their way between them, fingers starting to undo the button on his jeans.
"Mmm, wait, wait," he gasps, grabbing at Eddie's shoulders to keep him close when he jumps backward at the protest. "Bed," he manages as explanation, arousal and adrenaline killing off his higher functions, and Eddie presses immediately back against him, grunting his assent into Buck's mouth.
"Yeah, yeah," he mutters, pulling Buck along with him as he walks backward towards the stairs, neither willing to let go of the other until they have to reluctantly pull away at the foot of the stairs. Electricity may be crackling across Buck's skin everywhere Eddie has touched, but they've seen enough stair-related accidents to know not to try and make the assent clinging to one another. Eddie pushes him towards the stairs, trailing slightly behind as Buck takes them two at a time, and Buck doesn't wait, throwing himself onto the bed and rolling onto his back to watch Eddie's eyes rise from where they've been glued to his ass.
Eddie strips his shirt off as he stalks over to the bed, and oh, yeah, clothes should be coming off right now - he can't stand the idea of not blatantly ogling Eddie now that he's allowed to, so he ignores his shirt, instead shoving his jeans and boxers down his legs just in time for Eddie to crawl onto the bed and slot himself in between them, pants and shirt left discarded near the stairs. The only things between them are Eddie's briefs and Buck's shirt - both of which are quickly thrown aside, Eddie hauling most of Buck's body off the bed in his clumsy haste to get rid of the shirt, Buck too desperate to even bother pushing Eddie's briefs off, leaving that task to Eddie while he shamelessly gropes him, inordinately pleased that Eddie is as hard as he is.
He wants to make the most of this opportunity, hold him at arms length and burn the image of Eddie naked and hard onto his brain, but feeling him is too much, too good, so he clings tight and lets his hands roam and their mouths work against each other and does his best to memorize the feel of him instead.
"Lube," Eddie gasps against his jaw, "lube, Buck, do you-"
"First drawer," Buck grunts, wiggling around onto his front as Eddie stretches across the bed, arching his back and putting himself on show when Eddie turns back around and sucks in a breath at the sight of him. He's on him in an instant, hard and needy against his ass, and they both moan when Buck rolls his hips, Eddie's dick sliding between his cheeks. There's a click and Eddie squeezes what feels like the whole bottle onto where they're rutting against each other, too much, lube dripping down his thighs and his balls and onto the bed, but there's no way he can give a fuck about his ruined sheets right now, not when Eddie is sucking a mark onto his neck and maneuvering a hand in between them, pumping himself once, twice, before pressing his thumb against Buck's opening.
"Yeah?"
"Yes," Buck hisses, impatient and frustrated that Eddie even needs to ask when Buck has been hungry for him since day one, rocking back into Eddie's touch.
Eddie is blessedly decisive, after that, opening him up around his fingers, adding another as soon as he can do so without it being too much, skilled and impatient and stinging on the satisfying side of painful, and all too soon and after too much time he's pulling back just enough to take himself into his hand and press the head of his cock against Buck.
He considers bringing up protection, just for a second, but he knows he's clean and he'll take anything Eddie gives him without complaint, good and bad and painful, so he just pushes back into Eddie's touch and lets Eddie press into him, carve out space for himself just like he's always done and just like Buck will always let him, and he keens into the crook of his elbow, high pitched and embarrassing as his fingers twist in the sheets.
"You good?" Eddie breathes in his ear, voice low and rough and heavy with the tension of keeping still.
"Yeah," Buck gasps, "yes, yes, Eddie, please," and Eddie gives him what he's begging for, he takes what he wants from Buck, one thing the same as the other, biting a bruise into Buck's neck as he works him open with a few gentle thrusts before letting his god-damned chivalry go and fucking Buck like he deserves, hips snapping into him and forcing strangled moans out of his mouth. Everything Eddie does borders on the obscene, but the noises he makes while he holds Buck tight with one hand on his shoulder, the other curled around his hip, are going to be invading Buck's dreams for the rest of his life.
It's over too soon, his orgasm barreling over him like a freight train, leaving him a trembling, panting mess while Eddie grabs his hips tight and gasps his own release into his ear. They slump against the bed, Eddie a heavy, welcome weight on top of him, and they take a minute to rest before Eddie is pulling out of him, pressing a clumsy kiss behind his ear before sitting up and- and tying off a condom, apparently, and Buck doesn't remember when he even put it on, but he must have grabbed one out of the drawer when he was getting the lube.
A traitorous part of his chest squeezes at the idea that Eddie thought he needed to use one, but he knows he's being ridiculous - they're both adults, they know the importance of safe sex. Using protection is a given, and if Buck had been thinking clearly, he would have known that he didn't need to bring it up only because of course Eddie would be protecting himself. Buck might have been - still is, if he's being honest with himself - content to let Eddie be reckless with him, but Eddie is better than that. He would never be that reckless with himself, and he wouldn't be that reckless with Buck, either.
He stretches out across the bed, grunting as his tired muscles flex, and then settles himself down into the mattress, resting his head on his crossed arms and watching Eddie collect himself. He finds his briefs next to the bed, giving Buck a very pleasing view as he pulls them on, then hesitates, looking across the room to where his pants are crumpled on the floor then back across to Buck.
"Hey, uh, can I... can I stay the night?" The idea that he even has to ask, that Buck would ever not want Eddie to stay - tonight and tomorrow and always - is so unbelievable Buck can only stare at him in surprise at first, silent long enough for Eddie to run a hand nervously through his hair and start up again. "I mean, I just- it's kind of late, I-"
"Of course you can, man," Buck interrupts when he gets his voice back. Eddie smiles down at him with uncharacteristic uncertainty.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Yeah, always, Eddie, come on." That earns him a brighter, more confident smile and a kiss, lazy and warm and over too soon when Eddie pushes off the bed and meanders over to Buck's dresser, knowing without asking where his sweatpants are.
It's hardly a surprise that he does - he's stayed the night plenty of times, after all, in a purely platonic fashion, and he's borrowed a pair of Buck's pants to sleep in a lot of those times. It still manages to be a shock, Eddie looking - looking like he belongs here, in Buck's home, in Buck's room. It makes him feel buoyed up and devastated at the same time; having Eddie here with him, so intimate, is everything he's ached for since basically the day they met, and he can already feel his greed taking hold, wanting to pin Eddie to his bed and never let him up. But the inevitable end of this is already killing him - because as easy and natural as it feels right now, Eddie padding lightly back to his bed and tossing a pair of sweats so they land haphazardly across his face, this isn't where he belongs. Not in Buck's house, bare and empty, a home in name only - not in Buck's affections, too weak even to move people to stay in the same country. There's no way this will ever end as anything more than a bookmark in Eddie's life where Buck was tried and found wanting.
He's come a long way since Buck 1.0, but he still knows his place, has had it confirmed already - he'll do, but he's not irreplaceable. Not like Eddie deserves. This is going to end, and no matter how amicably it does, it's still going to kill him.
But... it might be worth it, he thinks while he pulls his sweatpants on, not even bothering to look for his boxers. Letting himself have this for as long as he can, memorizing the way Eddie's mouth feels against his and what his muscles feel under his fingers and the noises he makes when he's pressing Buck down into the mattress. If he does it as right as he can, if he gives Eddie what he needs and wants and doesn't let this get too entwined with everything else they share... he might be able to have this and still keep Eddie in his life afterward.
It's greedy. It's reckless. But those are things he's always been, and when Eddie slips into bed next to him and presses a gentle kiss against his shoulder, it doesn't feel reckless to sink into the warmth, to press back against Eddie's chest and curl their fingers together where Eddie slings an arm around his waist. It just feels natural, feels right, and he knows himself well enough to know that even if he decides to make this a one-time thing, he's going to melt at the smallest sign that Eddie wants anything more.
Buck had been looking for a way to make everything right; he thought at first that meant letting Eddie thrash him around a bit to let out the anger he'd been turning on the wrong targets, but really, it's not like this is all that different. Buck knows what he can offer, and as much as he's willing to be a physical punching bag to make up for the emotional hurt, he's also very aware that most of his appeal is in his body and what he can do with it, whether that be in the field hauling people out of burning buildings or in the bedroom.
If a warm body that Eddie can trust for now is what Eddie needs from him, then that's what Buck will be.