Chapter Text
Buck wakes up to a house as empty as it was last night and a chest that feels a hundred times emptier. Sun shines bright through his windows, telling him he’s slept in a lot later than he normally does, but he feels like he’s only managed to snatch an hour or so of actual rest. He wants to pull the covers back up over his head and just bury himself until everything has sorted itself out without his input, but knowing that isn't an option, as a second-best option… he really wants to talk to his sister. With only one eye squinted open, he locates his phone and brings up his messages with Maddie.
You doing anything tonight? Want to come over?
Nothing planned. What time were you thinking?
We can pick up something to eat on the way over
His stomach sinks. Chim is family, but right now he kind of just really needs his sister.
I was wondering if it could be just us actually
Everything okay?
Yeah, he sends quickly. Everything is fine. I just need some advice on something.
I ll be there soon
---
“Everything’s fine, huh?” Maddy says gently, letting herself into his house and looking over at his huddled form from the kitchen. “What totally fine thing has got you wrapped up in a blanket in the middle of the day, then, huh?” He doesn’t know where to start, shuffling unhappily on the couch as he tries to think of what to say. Maddie starts making her way over. “Buck?”
"It's about Eddie," he mutters into the blanket, peeking over, and he hates, he hates, the way her head immediately tilts, shoulders dropping and brows folding in sympathy.
"Oh, Buck," she says, voice soft and empathetic, and he hates that, as well, almost as much as he aches for it. "What happened?" She settles onto the couch next to him and tugs at his shoulder, letting him slump onto his side, head resting on her lap as she smooths his hair back.
"I'm an idiot," he mumbles miserably, feeling like he's eight years old again, bawling into his sister's lap because he just can't figure out how he keeps upsetting everyone he knows.
Except this time he does know, knows what he’s done wrong and what he needs to do, he just- he just can’t see a way to actually do it. He fell into his intimacy with Eddie without even noticing, and he’s terrified of ruining it, and he doesn’t- he doesn’t know how to be a good partner. Doesn’t know if he can be. Because god fucking knows he’s tried, but it’s never been enough. Never been enough to stop people leaving, never been better than being single and looking for someone better. Somehow, against all odds, Eddie hasn’t yet found reason enough to leave - but the chance that he will is going to be much higher, if Buck lets them take that step into something more.
“Did you guys have a fight?” Maddy prompts, interrupting his thoughts.
“No. No, we didn’t- I mean… Not exactly.”
“Not exactly?”
“No. We just- we’re not- we’re on different pages and I- fuck, Maddy, I’m so in love with him,” he chokes out, and look at that, he still has tears left to shed.
“Oh. Oh, Buck. You told him?” He feels vaguely like he should be surprised by her lack of surprise, but he doesn’t have the energy.
“No. I should have, I wanted to, but I… I couldn’t. I just… left.”
“Okay, so… what happened? Is there a reason it had to be then, that you told him?”
“He said it didn’t have to be, but I should’ve, I- He put himself out there and I just…”
“Evan, I’m here for you and I want to help, I do, but I need some context, sweetheart,” she interrupts, gently squeezing his shoulder.
“Right. Right. So we’ve been… um…” his face heats. “We’ve been kind of… messing around. For a bit. We never really talked about what it was, it’s just kind of… happened… but yesterday he said he wants us to be together,” Buck says. “Like… properly.” Maddie’s hands pause briefly, then continue smoothing his hair back.
“And that’s… a bad thing?” she asks carefully.
“Of course not,” he grumbles. “Or… well… I don’t know. It could be? Of course I want it, but, what if it goes wrong? How do we come back from that? It’ll change things, you know?”
“Buck… it sounds to me like things have already changed.”
Buck swallows heavily, squeezing his eyes closed.
“But we can come back from this. If we step properly over that line, if we start… labelling it and telling people and bringing Chris into it, it’s- when that ends, it ends, Maddie. Everything, not just the sex.” He’s aware his voice is coming out in a whine, but he can’t help it, tears tickling as they slide over the bridge of his nose.
“And why does it have to end?”
Buck snorts bitterly, belatedly regretting it when that blows snot in unattractive lines down his face.
“How could it not?” he asks, swiping at his face with his sleeve pulled up over his fist and allowing himself a second to appreciate Maddie’s diplomatic silence. “Honestly, Mads, come on. I’ve managed to have two serious relationships in my life, with two great people. One of them fled the state and the other one fled the fucking country. Eddie could have anyone, and I’m meant to believe he’s- he’s going to settle for dealing with me at work and at home for more than a couple of years at best? He’s gonna get so fucking sick of my shit he won’t want anything to do with me ever again.”
“Oh, Evan,” she whispers, sounding on the verge of tears herself. “Just because Abby and Ali weren’t right for you doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. You and Ali had different priorities, okay, and that’s nobody’s fault, and Abby was- Abby was just a bitch who didn’t appreciate what she had,” Maddie bursts out, pressing down on Buck’s shoulder to stop him reflexively bolting upright. “No, I know you don’t want to think that, but it’s true, okay? I’m sure she must have been good to you at some point, but I was there after, and I know I left you as well and it’s not my place, but what she did to you- it wasn’t right, Buck. And it doesn’t mean anything about the worth you have.”
“Doesn’t it, though?” he asks, shrugging her hand off his shoulder and pushing himself upright. “I wasn’t even worth a break-up text, Maddie.”
“Yes, you were,” Maddie insists fiercely. “You were, and you are, and Abby being too much of a coward to do the right thing isn’t what you deserved. And look, Evan… you wouldn’t exactly be going into this blind, would you? Forget Abbie, okay, because Eddie isn’t Abbie. I can’t tell you what to do, Evan, I can’t make that decision for you, but the way I see it… You and Eddie have already been with each other through a lot. You’ve come out the other side of a pretty big argument pretty strong, it looks like from here. You’ve been attached at the hip basically since I’ve been back, do you really think he doesn’t know what he’d be getting into? I don’t know him as well as you, but he doesn’t seem to me like the kind of man who would jump into this unless he was pretty sure it was going to last.”
Buck bites his lip, twisting his fingers together.
“I’m just so scared, Mads,” he manages, sinking back into her arms when she pulls him back into a hug.
“I know, Buck,” she murmurs, rubbing his back, embrace enveloping him despite her tiny frame in comparison to him. “I know. But you can’t let it stop you from being happy.”
---
“You sure you’re alright?” Maddie asks later, hesitating by the door.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.”
“I could stay the night, if you want. We could order something in, watch a sappy movie?”
“No, no, it’s fine, Mads. Go tell Chim I’ve stopped stealing your attention, I’ll be fine. I… I need some time to think, anyway.”
“Okay, well, if you’re sure,” Maddie replies reluctantly. “I’m just a phone call away, okay?”
“I know,” he says, the reassuring smile on his face only partially forced. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Okay. I love you.”
“Love you too, Mads.”
She pulls him into a tight hug before she goes, leaving him to his thoughts.
---
A buzz on the table next to him a few hours later startles him out of his spiralling self-loathing, and the sight of Eddie’s name appearing on the screen makes him want to turn his phone off and throw it across the room. Eddie wouldn’t be texting for nothing, though, not after being the one to ask for space, so he swallows his dread and opens the message.
Hey. Chris wants to say goodnight before he goes to bed, you up for a quick chat?
Another two texts come through as he’s reading through the first one.
No pressure. I’ll tell him you can’t get to the phone if you’re not up to it.
Just thought you would probably want to.
His chest tightens, the messages bringing a smile to his face and a tear to his eye all at once.
Of course
He sends immediately, bouncing his heel and chewing on his lip as he waits for the call. If it was anyone else, Buck might worry that they were using their kid to sway him, but he’s completely sure that Eddie would never do that; he knows Eddie well enough to know what this is. A reassurance, that Eddie values Buck’s relationship with Christopher distinct from their own, and a display of trust.
He can’t answer the call fast enough when it comes, grinning back at the beaming face looking out at him from the shaky screen.
“Buck!”
“Hey, buddy! How you doing? Keeping your dad in line?”
Christopher giggles, glancing off-screen and then nodding conspiratorially, curling over himself and bringing his face so close to the phone that he goes blurry.
“He doesn’t like it when you’re not here,” he whispers furtively - but not particularly quietly. “It’s okay, though. I made sure he wasn’t lonely, don’t worry.”
“Oh, I know I left him in the best hands,” Buck assures him, mirroring Christopher’s solemn nodding. “You and him have always got each others’ backs, right?”
“And yours,” Chris agrees.
“And mine,” Buck affirms around the sudden tightness in his throat. “Now, how was your day, huh? Bet it was better than mine. I had to do chores.” Screwing his face up in exaggerated disgust prompts another peal of giggles from Chris, who then launches into an animated description of his day. The animated chatter quickly slows until his head is dipping up and down, clearly right on the verge of falling asleep.
“I think it’s time for someone to go to bed,” he says, grinning. “Go on, have a good night’s sleep. I love you.”
“Night, Buck,” Chris mumbles, voice soft and sleepy, almost a whisper. “Love you.” He’s treated to a brief close-up view of Christopher’s back teeth as he breaks into a wide yawn, then the view on-screen blurs and comes to a stop displaying Eddie’s startled looking face.
“Um, night, Buck,” he says awkwardly, clearly expecting the phone hand-off about as much as Buck had.
“Night, Eddie,” he replies softly, the I love you that slipped so easily off his tongue with Christopher burning a hole in his throat. They stare at each other in silence for a second, and Buck wonders if the thoughts running through Eddie’s mind are anything like the ones running through his own — the achingly soft look on Eddie’s face says they might be, and that possibility scares him into breaking the silence.
“I’ll uh, I’ll see you tomorrow, man,” he says, barely waiting for Eddie’s raised chin of acknowledgement before ending the call, heart pounding unreasonably fast.
“Fuck,” he groans, dropping his phone onto the table and letting his head thunk down next to it. As much as the little brother in him hates to admit it, Maddie was right.
There’s no un-crossing the lines they’ve already crossed. He doesn’t get to press a ‘back’ button. The only decision left to him is what way forward.
---
When he gets to work the next day, he doesn’t know if he wants Eddie to already be in the locker room when he gets there or already be out in the station — what he does know is that he’s not ready for their first proper interaction to be with nobody else there. Which means, of course, that when he steps into the room with his bag over a shoulder, the only presence there is Eddie doing his shirt up in front of his locker.
“Hey,” he manages, heart thundering, feeling like he’s sinking into Eddie’s deep brown eyes when their gazes meet.
“Hey,” Eddie replies, tongue swiping across his bottom lip and drawing Buck’s gaze. “Look, man, we, uh… Business as usual at work, right? We can talk after. Or, it doesn’t have to be today, just-”
“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Buck rushes, head bobbing up and down. “Work is work, personal is, uh- is personal.”
“Yeah,” Eddie agrees, shoulders relaxing. “And, uh… just for the record, you know I’m not… I’m not putting us, our friendship, on hold, or anything. You can… I don’t want you to think you have to make a decision before you can talk to me, or anything.” He ducks his head, uncharacteristically withdrawn and unsure.
“I know,” Buck says. “I’m- We’ll leave the big talks for out of work but, me and you, we’re- we’re always good, man.”
“Good,” Eddie says, the smile on his face enough to give Buck the courage to pull Eddie into a hug that’s quickly reciprocated, arms strong and familiar around his shoulders.
---
Work is… odd, that shift. Not the worst shift he’s had, not by a long shot, and not the most awkward, either, but the energy between him and Eddie is notably different. Not negative, but charged, the imminent change in their relationship colouring their interactions undeniably. They work like a well-oiled machine out on the field, just like always, but their eyes somehow catch even more than usual, and he knows for sure they’re being kind of obvious when Bobby corners him alone in the kitchen for a faux-casual chat.
“How you doing, kid?” he asks, dropping a chopping board down on the counter next to where Buck is getting a drink of water. Buck rolls his eyes, simultaneously annoyed at and pleased by Bobby’s typical insightfulness.
“Good. Is there a reason I wouldn’t be good?”
“I don’t know,” Bobby says evenly, eyeing him thoughtfully. “You just seem like you’re in a little bit of an odd mood today, is all. You and Eddie both.”
Buck shrugs.
“Eddie’s always weird. We’re not fighting or anything, though, if that’s what you were wondering.”
“Not necessarily,” Bobby replies. “Can’t say the thought didn’t cross my mind, though.”
“We really are good, Bobby. We, we just- we have a conversation, we kind of need to finish. But it’s not- it’s not bad, or anything. We’re good. I’m good.” He lets Bobby scrutinise him for a second, meeting his searching gaze head-on.
“Okay,” he says finally, nodding and picking out a knife to lay down on the chopping board. “Well, since it doesn’t look like you’re having that conversation now, you might as well help me get lunch started.”
Buck groans loudly, throwing his head back and pretending it’s an imposition to drag himself over to the counter and catch the tomato Bobby under-hands his way. And if his little display draws Eddie’s attention and earns him an affectionate smile badly hidden behind rolled eyes, well, that’s a happy coincidence.
—-
The day is over. The day is over, most of the team have already fled the station, and Buck is kind of worried he’s going to be sick as he rushes to the locker room, relieved to see Eddie’s familiar figure through the glass.
He comes to a stop in front of where Eddie is sitting, feeling a lot like a twelve-year-old about to hand his crush a piece of paper that says "do you like me?" with a box for yes and a box for no.
"Hey," Eddie says, looking up from tying his shoes. Buck's nerve falters at the apprehension marring Eddie's face, but he makes himself push on anyway. I'm fighting with him, he tells himself, and manages to find his voice.
"Hey. I, uh, I was wondering if you and Chris, um, if you wanted to go to the park? And- and then we could grab something to eat at that place that does the- the fries Chris likes." He fidgets, feeling his face going pink. Eddie's head tilts slightly, caution on his face now, and fuck, why is he so bad at this, he hasn't even told Eddie anything yet. "I thought, uh, I thought that... that we should tell Chris first. Before everyone else. If- I mean, if, if you still want to- to do this. With, uh. With me. Because I- I do. With you, I mean, not with- um, yeah." It's hardly the most eloquent declaration of intent that's ever been made, but the way Eddie's entire body brightens, you'd think Buck had just reinvented Shakespeare.
"Are you asking me and my kid out on a date?" Eddie teases. Buck shrugs, barely refraining from scuffing his boot along the ground.
"Only if the answer is yes."
Eddie laughs, bright and happy, and pushes himself to his feet, hands rising as if to cup Buck's face before he catches himself and lets them fall.
"Yeah, Buck. That sounds really good."
"Good," he says, beaming despite himself. "Good! I'll, uh. I'll just- I'll just go get changed, and then we can go pick up Chris? If- If, uh, if you want to do this now, I mean, we don't have to do it now, whenever you want, I just thought-"
"Go get dressed, Buck," Eddie cuts in, gently but firmly stopping Buck's nervous babbling. "I'll be here when you're done."
"Yeah," Buck breathes, and that's the crux of it all, isn't it? Eddie has been saying he's here when Buck is ready for a long time, and Buck - Buck is finally ready to let himself believe it.
Eddie is here, and Buck is ready to join him.