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He knew hiding in the lower parts of the ship was absolutely useless. Either dutch or d'avin would find him in no time, would probably be dutch, but after the things he learned that day he wanted some space to think things through. His life was built upon some absolute truths and if one of them was wrong then how many else would change making him lose his foundation.
The sound of the door opening made him reappear from his thoughts. Looking back he found it was dutch that had found him. D'avin may be his brother but dutch was his best friend. It was probably for the best that dutch came , she was the only thing now that he trusted absolutely.
Dutch didn't speak, she just came towards him and sat down near him such that if he wanted to he could touch her. She gave him space that he himself would give her. He continued working on Lucy not turning towards dutch, but she waited patiently. After what appeared to be minutes or an hour he didn't know, he put down the tools he was holding and just leaned into her. Her hands came around him and he found himself encircled by her. Slowly the tension he had been unaware he carried , loosened from him.
'I know meeting your father would have been bad. But I'm here , d'avin is here , talk to me johnny ,are you ok?'
She asked it as if he could say what was in his mind in one word. But it was dutch , if he cant tell it to her he might as well bury his thoughts and carry it to the grave.
'You know dutch , for approximately half my life I've loved d'avin, but the other half , I absolutely hated him. He left me you know , left me in that sad excuse of a planet with a sick mother and an absent father. That day that I learnt he left is still the worst day of my life. I was so angry , so bitter that it festered and festered until it became something ugly inside of me . I loved him but I also hated him. It made me bitter and petty you know. If only he had asked me , if he had asked me to come with him I would have. I used to dream , that d'avin would come back and took my mom and me away from there , away from my father. I used to dream but not for a very long time .
The first time he came here , with us I saw how much you both clicked and how much you liked him and I was jealous. He was was the one who ran off and when I try to form a life for myself he comes back and tries to destroy it anyway. '
Dutch who had until that point been silent opened her mouth as if to protest.
' No let me speak dutch. If I stop I dont know if I can start again. Things are different now but it wasn't then. The bitterness that I felt for him grew. And when d'avin was off the team , I knew you were hurt , I was too, but a small part of me was happy. What kind of brother, a friend am I to feel such things'
'Johnny no, its human to feel those things and I would have been the same too and you know it'
He knew dutch wouldn't keep her silence in some parts. Snorting a little he held her hand a bit tighter to make her quiet again.
'I know Dutch but that doesn't make me feel better.
D'avin had gone through terrible things in his life and sometimes I think that those would not have happened if he hadn't left . But at the same time I wouldn't have met you , so I go round and round with that thought in my head.'
He became silent, lost in the thoughts running through his head .
A had touched his face making him pay attention.
'What happened today johnny?' She asked.
And wasnt that the big question of the day.
'I learnt that I was a naive foolish little boy that was ungrateful. Did you know that our father used to praise us in the outside world and spit on us in our own home. Nothing that we did was enough. Our mom tried her best but well she had herself to take care of and then the disease happened. She wasn't spared even then . But d'avin , he tried . He turned all of our fathers attention on him so that my mother and I could be spared. It didn't always work but he used to get double the beatings for interfearing . He never complained, he would take care of us first and then him at last. It became a regular for us, to be seen with bruises. '
He knew that she had suspected of what happened to him in his Childhood but it was the first time he confirmed it. Turning to see her he found that she was already staring at him . Suddenly closing the space between them she hugged him tightly as if afraid of letting go. He closed his eyes and focused on the feel of her in his arms.
'He didn't leave dutch , he didn't. It was my father who gave him the ultimatum, jail or the military. And you want to know how that situation came to be , it was because he defended me, he lost his carefully restrained control and gave back. And all that happened to him, in the military and now, it all comes back to me doesnt it . No dont argue. Please dont . '
Seeing dutch sit back with a defiant look in her eyes he knew she definitely would argue after he finished made him chuckle a bit.
'Half my life I've been angry with him and now I dont know what to do. Do you know what I said to him when I learnt all this. I said thank you , just a thank you. He sacrificed his life for me and I just kept on reminding him that he left . He didn't even correct me. Just kept on accepting that I have a bad opinion of him. The things I've said to him, again and again , shit dutch , what do I do?' his voice was becoming hysterical at the end.
As involved as he was in what he was saying he didn't notice movement by the opened door, but dutch did. Knowing that there was only one person that could be she came to a decision.
'Jonny you can't take back any of the things you said and d'avin can't go back and inform you of all that had happened. It wasn't only on you, you know that right?'
She could see him shaking his head and she huffed out exasperatedly. She didn't know what she was going to do with these two.
' Ok enough is enough. You have moped enough for a life time . Come on sit straight and look at me. Dont look so confused johnny doesnt suit you. Now imagine that I am d'avin. And tell me everything that you want to tell him and couldn't. Come on try it '
She could see him roll his eyes but sit straighter. Letting him off to collect his thoughts her eyes wandered to the door and she could still see the shadow of him near it. Confirmed that he was there she turned to johnny again. He had his eyes closed but within a few moments opened them and stared at her.
' I'm sorry d'avin, im so sorry for all the times I've insuated that you ran away, for all the times you had to keep quiet , for all the times I was the reason you had to hurt , for all the times I've made you feel unwelcome. I'm sorry big brother, I'm sorry .
And thank you for all the times you've stayed , for all the times you've smiled inspite of the hurt I've caused, for all the times you spared me from getting hurt the same way you were. Thank you for loving me even when I didn't show it. Because yes, I love you d'avin, even when I was angry at you , I've loved you, I'm sorry d'avin, I'm sorry'
He had started to cry half way through his speech and now in the gentle hold of his best friend he threw caution to wind and let himself feel for all the lost time .
He didn't see the shadow that was beyond the door slump down , clutching the alcohol bottle he had brought with him as if it was his life line. He didn't see the tears that ran down that face or the happiest smile that bloomed, he didn't see his big brother mouth back ' I love you too johnny' to him.
He didn't need to. These three , they will be fine. As brothers , best friends , lovers they will be just fine.