Chapter Text
“Yes Rach…mmm, god yeah…fuck…” Ashlyn’s hips lift off the bed a bit, one fist clutching red hair, the other fist wrapped in the sheets. The warm tongue lapping at her clit feels incredible, her body building quickly towards release. “Just like that…unnh, please…” She grunts out, feeling her stomach muscles start to flutter and her legs loosening up enough to spread a bit wider as she pulls her girl’s head in closer.
So close, so fucking close…just a little more…hands drag up her legs and the delicious ache deep inside her belly starts to fade a bit. Focus, you can do this… “Right there… just stay…fucking…right there…” She practically begs and fixates on the tongue swirling over her swollen bud. Fingertips find her inner thigh now and the mounting energy inside practically comes to a halt. No, no, no, come on…
She opens her eyes and wills herself to stay focused. She finds Rachel’s blue eyes down between her legs, lets herself feel the silky red hair against her palm…it’s Rachel. She works to hone back in on the gentle suction on her clit, letting her legs loosen up a bit again. “Mmm…ohhh…” A finger circles her entrance and every pelvic muscle locks up tight. No, not again.
Her eyes fly open again to register the blue eyes and red hair, but the message doesn’t reach her body…the tongue on her center not Rachel, the hand on her hip not Rachel, the finger stroking through her folds not Rachel. No, please…it’s Rachel, it’s Rachel. Her mind repeats the mantra, but the pleasurable build-up is gone and retreating quickly into a panic. A fingertip gently prods her entrance, trying to wiggle in… “Ow, ow, fuck, stop.” Ashlyn grimaces at the stinging pain and feels the hand immediately pull away.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Ashlyn apologizes trying not to tear up as she wills her body to unclench.
“It’s ok, honey. It’s ok.” Rachel’s soft voice tries to soothe her, but Ashlyn has already heard the discontented sigh that filled the air before that.
“Just…go back to what you were doing before…please.” Ashlyn directs and pulls Rachel’s head in again, trying to relax back into it. The moment is lost though, the release now fleeting and evasive as usual. Fuck. The guilt in her gut pulls away her attention and she lets out a few strategic loud moans to get this over with, a purposeful canting of her hips, a quick tightening of her quads to make them shake a bit. “Fuck Rach, I’m coming… mmmm…fuuuuck.” Another faked orgasm.
“You ok?” Rachel is propped up on her elbows, looking up at her from between her legs.
“Yeah. That was great… you’re amazing. Thank you.” Ashlyn smiles at her. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.” Rachel sighs and climbs up her body, quickly pecking her lips. “Ashlyn?”
“Yeah.” Ashlyn doesn’t meet her eyes, she knows that tone. That fucking pitying tone…it was only a matter of time.
“I don’t think this is working.” Rachel says sympathetically.
“Yeah, ok.” Ashlyn barely mumbles and rolls over.
“Ashlyn, come on…just look at me, please?” Rachel implores her gently and hears Ashlyn let out a deep breath before rolling back over.
“What?” Ashlyn says a bit defiantly. She could feel this coming a few weeks ago.
“Look, I knew what I was getting into. You were honest right from the beginning and so was I. You’re an amazing person, an incredible one. It was well worth the try to make it work, ok? I thought I had the inner strength to work through this with you, I really did. And right from the start, I told you that I’d be honest if that changed. So, I’m being honest right now.” Rachel explains kindly.
“Yeah I know, Rach. Thank you, I do appreciate that.” Ashlyn softens a bit.
“Ashlyn, you’re sweet, driven, smart, successful, sexy, and more caring than anyone I’ve ever met. You’re truly someone I could see myself falling completely in love with and marrying. But hon, honestly, my heart can’t do it and I just can’t get there when I know that somewhere your mind and body are with your ex.” Rachel runs her hand lightly up and down Ashlyn’s arm. “I’m trying, but I can’t make this work when I feel so torn up inside every time your body reacts to someone who isn’t even here. I wish I could keep trying. I really like you, Ashlyn… but I don’t have it in me anymore. I’m frayed.”
“Okay, I understand. It’s ok, Rach. I get it and I don’t blame you. I really like you too and I wanted this to work…I…I’m really sorry.” Ashlyn replies sadly. “Thanks for being nice about…well, everything really. I know it was asking a lot and putting a lot of strain on your emotions. I really am sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, honey. Please don’t. It’s not your fault. This is not something you can really control, I promise that I understand that. I wish it wasn’t too much on me, I really do.” Rachel says sweetly. “I know someday this whole thing is gonna release its grip on you and it’s going to be wonderful. I truly believe that. You deserve the world, Ashlyn. And you’ll get it.”
“So do you, Rach. Just wish I could have been it.” Ashlyn shrugs.
“Well hey, who knows, right? Maybe another time and another place. Maybe our paths will cross again and we’ll have found each other in the right moment.” Rachel smiles.
“Yeah, maybe.” Ashlyn smiles back even as her mind scoffs at the notion, knowing that it will never happen. Her body will make damn sure of that, trust lost is trust lost. She already learned that about herself the hard way and she’s still battling it daily.
“I guess I should go.” Rachel gets up and quickly puts on her clothes, looking around and gathering the few things she that has at Ashlyn’s place before putting her hair up in a sloppy bun. “Take care of yourself, Ashlyn. And seriously, please don’t forget how amazing of a person you are. Don’t let this knock you down because I wasn’t strong enough to handle it, that’s on me. Anything you need, you always have my number.” Rachel leans to plant one more lingering kiss oh her lips. “See you around, cutie.”
“Yeah, ok. Thanks for hanging in with me and giving it a serious try. You take care too.” Ashlyn doesn’t bother getting up from the bed, watching the redhead smile one more time and walk out of the bedroom. What’s worse is that it doesn’t even feel all that hurtful right now, just mechanic.
Six months wasted.
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“So, she just left. I held it together until she left…it almost felt robotic really, like numbness. It took like 40 minutes after she walked out for all the emotions to really hit me. Then I pretty much let myself fall apart for a couple days. Now I’m trying to pull it back together. And here I am back at square one…again.” Ashlyn finishes recounting this week’s happenings to her sex therapist, Nancy. She lets out a deep sigh, a tear of frustration escaping from the corner of her eye. She’s been through this same scenario three times now, but this one had been the most promising. The other two relationships lasting under three months.
“I know this is really hard, Ashlyn. I can see how upset you are and I don’t blame you one bit. This is a very frustrating and difficult diagnosis to live with. The vast majority of women in your position struggle mightily with this, you’re not alone.” Nancy says warmly.
Secondary Situational Vaginismus. The term sounds so damn technical and cold to describe something so personally intimate: the clenching of one’s vagina during sex due to a prior traumatic experience. Technical and cold or not, this has been Ashlyn’s life for the last 4 years. It’s an endless cycle of needing a patient sexual partner to help overcome it, but not finding one that can be patient long enough to actually get there because it’s so hard to have sex. The pattern of building enough trust to try with someone new only to be emotionally crushed in a few months when they can’t handle it is maddening and hurtful.
“Yeah well, I’m fucking hopeless.” Ashlyn says dejectedly.
“I know it was a tough week, but we’ve been through this. You’re not hopeless. You’ve made really great strides over time, and we just need to figure out how we get this last piece to click for you.” Nancy encourages her.
“Nance, we’ve been at it for like 3 years.” Ashlyn levels with her. “I just…I don’t know what else there is to do. Honestly, what can we do that we haven’t done?”
“I hear you, I do. I just want you to remember that you’ve come so far. You’re in an emotionally healthy place when it comes to sex now. You’re able to build enough trust in relationships to be having sex and that’s a very long way from where you started.” Nancy remind her.
“Yeah I know, but this last hurdle…I’m lost. It’s a huge fucking hurdle. I just don’t see how…” Ashlyn trails off.
“I can understand that. I have to be really honest with you here and admit that I’ve had to think more deeply about it too. We’ve done everything to solve the mental blocks that have prevented you from having satisfying sexual experiences. But there is clearly some kind of physical muscle memory that we still need to resolve.” Nancy explains.
“See, even you think it’s hopeless.” Ashlyn challenges, feeling drained now.
“I didn’t say that. I just think we need to consider that there is more going on than just mental aspects of the sexual experience. For a lot of women, finding ways to get around those mental blocks is enough to treat the physical condition. However, that’s not always the case. So for you, I think we need to get mental and physical working better together to really get over that final hurdle.” She muses out loud.
“Yeah, ok. But how do I do that when I can’t manage to be with someone long enough to iron out the physical stuff?” Ashlyn sighs deeply.
Nancy stays quiet for a minute, thinking it over one more time in her head before speaking.
“Ok, Ashlyn, I have an idea. It’s something I considered for you for a while ago, but then your relationship with Rachel started and I abandoned it.” Nancy starts.
“Ok, I’m game. What do you have in mind?” Ashlyn sits forward a bit, eager at this point to hear any possibility, especially when Nancy’s suggestions are usually good ones. As much as she hasn’t fully resolved her problem, the truth is that she has come a really long way from where she started all thanks to her therapist.
“Well, the reasoning behind my thinking gets down to what we were just talking about. We’ve mainly worked out the mental road blocks, but there is a physical element for you where there is still difficulty. And this idea would hone in on that physical aspect.” Nancy clarifies before adding a further preface. “As a therapist, I truly believe in the therapy process and seeing it through. However, in very select cases, I can see that the therapy comes to a bit of an impasse and I’m open minded about alternative approaches. I’ll admit that this an approach that requires a very open mind.”
“You’re making me nervous.” Ashlyn admits, her hands clenched together.
“Don’t be nervous! You don’t even have to agree to it, it’s just an idea.” Nancy says calmly. “But before I tell you my suggestion, I want you to understand that I’ve thought it through deeply and think it might be an ideal option for you.” She explains. “In my 17 years as a therapist, I have only recommended this to a handful of clients and one was a woman with a situation similar to yours…and it worked for her. So, now that we’ve tried everything else…” Nancy continues before Ashlyn lets out a loud sigh.
“Oh my god, Nance, tell me already!” Ashlyn insists impatiently.
“Ok, have you ever heard of a sex surrogate?” Nancy asks gently.
“A sex surrogate?” Ashlyn thinks it over, her forehead wrinkling in confusion. “Like someone who has your baby for you?”
“Oh, well…yes and no. That would be a gestational surrogate or a surrogate mother who steps in to carry a child for you. In this case we’re talking a sex surrogate, which means the person would step in to be your sexual partner so to speak. Have you heard of it?” Nancy asks again.
“Uh yeah, but not with that term. Escort and prostitute I’ve heard of, but not sex surrogate.” Ashlyn raises her eyebrows at what Nancy is suggesting.
“Woah, no, no, no! Not the same thing!” Nancy immediately speaks up and waves her arms a bit. “Well, I mean… yes, it seems the same and people certainly have concerns on how parallel the two things are. But in no way is this a sex worker situation. This is actually a person who does this as sex therapy and is licensed and certified to do it. I know it walks a fine line, but this is actually a professional therapy approach.” Nancy assures her. “This person would be as much a therapist as I am, the difference being that they have the training and skill to do sex therapy on a hands-on physical level.”
“I don’t even know how to wrap my head around that.” Ashlyn admits as her mind runs all over the place trying to fully grasp what a situation like this would be like. “Is it legal?”
“Yes, it is. I wouldn’t even consider it if it wasn’t. I meant it when I said the person would be fully licensed like a normal therapist.” Nancy replies straight-forwardly.
“Sorry, I know you wouldn’t. That was stupid question.” Ashlyn shakes her head.
“It wasn’t a stupid question. Like I said, this is something very out-of-the-box even for open minded people. Trust me, I completely understand you having a million questions and a lot of hesitancy.” Nancy puts her at ease. “Just like sessions with me, it isn’t covered by insurance. So, it would be out of pocket.”
“Well you know that’s the least of my concerns.” Ashlyn replies simply as she tries to think of the right questions.
“Like I said, it’s just an idea and something I am going to recommend to you. I think the best plan is for me to give you some information about it that you can read and give you some time to maybe look up information on your own and really think about it. There’s no time limit on making a decision.” Nancy encourages her not to jump into anything.
“Yeah, ok. Good idea. I think I need to understand it better.” Ashlyn tries to stay open to it. “Can I ask… well… I mean, how does this work if I’ve never been with men? I honestly don’t think I could ever… well, are there women that do this for other women?”
“Oh yes, of course! Ashlyn, I would never put you in that position. This would be a situation where you would be as comfortable as possible in terms of your sexual preferences. While there several people locally that provide this kind of therapy, this is New York City after all, I have only worked with two of them. And I think that one of those people would be perfect. She’s actually who I had in mind for you and has been doing this for a few years now. She a regular sex and relationship therapist like myself as well as a sex surrogate, and she exclusively works with women. My thinking is that she would provide the right type of therapeutic support for you.” Nancy elaborates.
“Oh, ok.” Ashlyn replies simply. “Well, I’m definitely not ruling it out at all. I’ll go home and read up on it and think about it a lot before I come to any decisions.”
“Perfect, that’s exactly what I am encouraging here.” Nancy smiles at her. “And truly, if you don’t think this option is for you, no problem at all. This is just an idea. We can just continue on with our normal sessions if it isn’t something you want to pursue.”
“Thanks, Nance. I mean it. I appreciate you always trying new things to help me and working with me so patiently.” Ashlyn says gratefully.
“Of course, that’s my job!” Nancy waves her off. “Here, let me give you some of the information I have on it and here’s the business card for the person I have in mind.” She hands Ashlyn a folder. “Take your time, think it over, and when you have a sense of what you might like to do, let me know. Until then, we’ll do sessions as usual, ok?”
“Yeah, that’s great. Thanks, Nance. See you next week?” Ashlyn gets up from the small couch and puts her jacket on.
“Thursday at 4pm.” Nancy smiles. “See you then!”
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Ashlyn pulls her jacket up a bit around her neck to guard against the cool early fall air that is swirling between the tall buildings all around her. She looks at the folder in her hand with intrigue before hearing the horn beep from the black Cadillac escalade parked near the curb ahead. She tucks the folder under her arm and heads towards the car, quickly getting into the back seat.
“Hey minion, right on time.” Ashlyn greets her personal assistant.
“Please girl, when am I not right on time?” The slender African American woman winks at her before pulling away from the curb. “Home?”
“It’s true, I don’t even know how you manage to be on time for anything with the damn traffic in this city. But you’re the best, always have been! And yeah, home. Thanks.” Ashlyn replies as she looks at the folder again.
“Sure thing, boss lady.” Crystal replies and cranks up a hip-hop song on the radio, doing a few dance moves in the front seat that makes Ashlyn chuckle and shake her head.
Ashlyn tries her hardest to wait until she’s home, but her curiosity gets the best of her and she opens the folder before they are even halfway there. There is a pamphlet and a packet of printed pages inside, a single business card paper-clipped to the top of the stack. She pulls the business card away from the other papers and brings it closer to her face…
Alexandra Krieger, LICSW, LMFT
Clinical Relationship & Sex Therapy Associate