Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Jennifer’s POV

The phone rings. Once, twice, three times in a row, I don’t know. I’m not paying attention.

I only seem to focus on his words playing on repeat in my head.

“We need to go back to being friends...I’ll always be there...I love you... If we’re meant to be, then it’ll happen at the right time.”

How many days have passed since we came back from Hawaii and he walked out of my life, I don’t know. I’ve stopped counting. I’ve been consumed by pain and regret ever since he left my house.

In a corner of my mind, I know that I’ll need to get ready soon to leave for Boston to film that damn movie with David. That movie I shouldn’t ever have agreed to star in. Maybe if I’d refused, I could have spent a vacation with him and he’d have changed his mind. Realized that I was finally ready to commit myself to him fully. That he meant so much to me, he couldn’t possibly think I’d be better off without him.

But instead, he insisted to leave for Panama earlier than what he was supposed to, making sure to put distance between us as soon as possible.

And now, I’m left all alone to grieve our relationship.

I jump out of my thoughts when a buzzing sound breaks the peaceful silence of the house. At first, I stay there, huddled on my couch with my face hidden in my knees, but as the noise gets insistent, I finally get up and stagger to the intercom. I push the button, clear my throat and speak in a raw voice.

“Who’s there?”

“Jen, it’s me, Justine,” a sweet, feminine voice says. “Please open the gate.”

I look down. The last thing I want is to see people. I don’t want to talk.

But I know she won’t let go. So I reluctantly push the button to unlock the gate, watch her get inside, and lock it back. I walk to the door slowly, and as soon as I hear her steps on the other side, I open up, letting her walk in behind me as I make my way back to my couch, without giving her another look.

“Jen... what happened?” she asks, quickly following me to the living room. “I’ve been trying to reach you for the past week, but you never answer your phone... what’s wrong?”

I shake my head and hide my face in my knees, so she can’t see the rush of fresh tears pouring out of my eyes. Has it already been a week? I don’t know. I feel like he just walked out, his sad eyes locked on mine until the very last moment. I still feel the sensation of his soft lips caressing mine for the very last time. I recall the warm tears he poured with me.

“Is it Josh?” she adds, kneeling in front of me and running her hand on my arm.

I finally find the strength to nod slightly. I hear her take a deep breath as if she was very upset, and I glance at her face. Yes, she’s angry.

“The fucking bast-“

“Stop,” I interrupt her. “It was as hard for him as it was for me, okay? Maybe even harder. And as much as it hurts...” I pause to heave a sigh. “Deep down, I know we needed that. Our relationship wasn’t healthy. We both made mistakes. Me, especially.”

I can’t hide a sarcastic smile.

“Everyone around me was trying to warn me. But I didn’t listen. So I lost him.” My eyes get full of tears that I nonchalantly wipe away before looking at her. “But he didn’t shut the door completely, you know? He wants us to stay friends, to start over again basically. So there’s still hope.”

Her angry face quickly turns into a small smile.

“You won’t give up. You really love him, don’t you?”

“I do! I’m so pissed at myself that it took me so long to figure it out! He deserved so much better...” I start sobbing again. “He deserved someone who was willing to love him fully, openly... and I just couldn’t offer him that. I can’t overshadow him, you know? I don’t want to get in the way of his dreams. But at the same time... it’s selfish I know... but I want him for myself, you know?”

She nods, stands up and sits next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders to pull me into her side.

“I miss him so much, Ju, you have no idea.”

“Oh, Jen...” she whispers. “You have to give yourself some time. It will hurt at first, but maybe you’ll move on.”

“But that’s the thing,” I exclaim, “I don’t want to move on! I don’t want to forget him. I want to make him see that we can make this work. I was ready when he decided it was over. I want... I just want him.”

“You still have to grieve that romantic relationship for now. Maybe it will work again someday, but in the meantime... you’ll have to learn to go on without him. Or not, if you’re ready to go back to being just friends right now.”

I let her words sink in. I hadn’t thought about focusing on rebuilding our friendship first. It makes sense. Knowing he’s still present in my life, even in that limited way, is enough to make me hopeful for the future.

“I think I am,” I reply in a soft voice.

“I think you should get your life back in order first,” she points out. “How long since you’ve showered last?”

I look down in shame,

“I don’t know. Couple days, maybe.”

She shakes her head sadly.

“How long since you’ve had a proper meal? And by that I don’t mean a bag of Cheetos with Pop Rocks as dessert.”

“I don’t know either,” I mumble, picking at the fabric of my sweatpants.

She sighs.

“Okay. I give you 15 minutes to shower and then we’ll go out. You need some fresh air to clear your mind and start anew. Come on.”

She pulls me off the couch and I finally stand up. She’s right, I need to get control over my life first if I want to do anything productive. I need to focus on getting what I want instead of wallowing in self-misery like I’ve been doing for the past week.

With that newfound resolve, I make my way to the bathroom to finally take the time to really scrub my body from all the sadness and desperation that has accumulated over the last week. I’m ready to make it work.

Justine was totally right. Getting out of the house, feeling the sun warm my skin, breathing in some fresh air does wonders for my state of mind. And I find it easier to get my appetite back with someone sharing the meal with me rather than being huddled all alone in my house.

After that, she helps me pack my luggage for the trip to Boston. We don’t talk about Josh anymore. I try not to think about him. It works, most of the time.

And when it doesn’t, and I stop in the middle of folding a shirt to look away sadly, she’s quick to notice my melancholia and snap me out of it with a well-placed joke, or remind me that he still wants to be my friend.

That I’ve chosen to fight, if not for his love, then for his friendship.

We’re done in no time, as I’ve been basically living out of my suitcases for months anyway; most of my things were already packed. Dread invades me when I realize that I’m done, that Justine is about to leave, and that I’ll find myself alone with my anxiety once again very soon. I try to take deep breaths to calm down. Justine, always the observant one, notices my distress and opens her arms to me for a reassuring hug.

“Hey,” she whispers, rubbing my back with her hand, “It’s gonna be okay. I’ll be there with you. You can call me anytime if you need to talk. I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone to deal with all of this, okay? I don’t want you to cut yourself off anymore.”

“I’ll be fine,” I say resolutely, pulling away to stare at her concerned eyes. “As soon as I’ll get my mind on work, I’m sure I’ll be fine. You know...” I bite my lip. “I’ve really regretted saying yes to David after Josh told me he was supposed to have some free time before leaving for Panama... but with the way things turned out, it’s for the best that I gave up my vacation.”

“You sure?”

I give her a strong nod in response.

“Yes.”

On my first night in Boston, I’m happy to have dinner with Bradley, whom I haven’t seen since the night of the Oscars. I’m still thinking about Josh a great deal, but I find it easier to forget what happened when I find myself surrounded by people. Maybe I should have done that from the beginning. I wouldn’t have spent the week being miserable at home.

My only week off between both shoots, and I spent it on my couch crying myself to sleep.

But it’s over now. I’m trying my best to hide the last remnants of my downhearted state from last week. I think it works, until the few glasses of wine I’ve had start to kick in and make me sadder and sadder. Bradley obviously realizes I’m not as bubbly as usual, because he interrupts his monologue about his latest beard – a model even younger than me – to turn the conversation back to me.

“What’s up, Jen?” he asks with a concerned look.

I shrug, before figuring out that I should just get it out of my chest so he doesn’t push the question further. I know how he is: if I don’t reveal what’s on my mind soon, he’ll bug me with it till the end of the shoot.

“Josh kinda broke up with me,” I finally let out, closing my eyes to swallow back my tears.

“No way. I’m so sorry. What happened?”

“Thank you.” I look up at him and take in his compassionate eyes. I’ve always been at ease telling him everything. I’m glad to have him here with me. “I messed up.”

“How could you? You’re too hard on yourself, Jen.”

“No, it’s true.” I swallow a gulp of wine to distract myself. “I took too long to make up my mind about Nick. I was scared of committing to the relationship. And... he thought I needed to take time on my own to move on from Nick properly.”

“You know, he’s pretty wise for a 20-year-old,” he remarks with a warm smile. “Definitely wiser than I am right now.”

“Maybe. But he didn’t know I was over Nick when he took that decision, you know? We could have been on the same page. I really felt ready. And now... I knew I would miss him when we’d be away, but... I miss him on a whole different level, you know?”

His mouth curls into a bright smile.

“You really love him. It was obvious every time you’d talk about him this winter. You get all giddy, your eyes light up. I’m surprised you didn’t make it official sooner.”

“What can I say?” I grimace. “I’m a fucking coward.”

He shakes his head.

“No, you’re not.”

“I only thought about myself, all this time,” I realize with a heavy heart. “I got confused over my feelings, kept a door open for Nick to crawl back into my life, kept Josh at arms’ length despite acting like a girlfriend with him in private.”

I look down in shame as I realize the message I’ve been sending him – without meaning it, of course. That not only isn’t he good enough to be allowed to be my boyfriend in public, he’s also not good enough for me to consider him my boyfriend, period. Which is far from the truth, obviously. But with all the mixed signals I was sending him, he couldn’t possibly know.

“No wonder he’s had enough. It’s surprising he didn’t dump my stupid ass a lot sooner.”

I suddenly recall his weird behavior the first time we went shooting in Hawaii – how emotional he was when we made love that last night, and how it bugged the hell out of me for weeks afterwards because I just couldn’t understand why he would act so desperate – and then it all clicks.

“He wanted to do it,” I say slowly, clasping my hand around my napkin. “When we came back from Hawaii the first time... and I was too dumb to figure it out... instead I kept toying with his feelings for two more months!”

Bradley shakes his head quickly.

“Jen... you really looked happy last month. Sick as hell, but still happy.”

“But I guess he wasn’t,” I whisper.

“You don’t know that. I bet he was. You should talk to him, you know. If you want to keep him as your friend anyway. Have you kept any sort of contact with him since he left?”

“No.”

“Then you know what you’ve got to do. I bet one of the things you got wrong the first time around is communication. Happens all the time. Don’t make that mistake again.”

I nod slowly.

“Yeah, you’re right. That’s good advice.”

“Hey, I may not be as wise as him, but I can still give good advice!”

I answer him with a scowl.

That night, I can’t stop staring at my computer screen, my body completely frozen in place. I’ve logged on Skype, and I really want to call Josh, but there’s something holding me back. I’m petrified.

After all, he hasn’t made any effort to reach out to me either. Maybe he wants space to move on from me. He did say he wouldn’t be able to forget me so easily. Maybe he’s figured out what he needed and decided to put his own needs first, for once. And let me reflect on what I did wrong for all these months together.

I grab my phone and quickly find his name in my contacts. I stare at his very last message, the one asking me to open the gate to the rental complex. I want to send him a message, tell him I’m sorry for all the hurt I caused him during all those months.

I want to tell him I miss him deeply. I want to see his words, imagine his smile, remember the glint in his eyes.

But I still can’t bring myself to type anything. What if he’s met someone else? What if he finds it too early to begin to build our new friendship?

I sigh and look away from the phone, before lighting it back up and wandering in the photo gallery. I know I’m torturing myself. I know it can only increase the pain I feel in my stomach when I think about him. But I need hope. I need to see my friend. I need to catch a glimpse of the man I love.

I miss him so much.

As I go through the pictures from the Catching Fire shoot, my eyes get watery. I see Josh having makeup applied to his handsome face, his joyful expressions between shots, his loving gaze at parties, his smitten eyes on a selfie next to me. We were so happy. How could I mess up so badly?

Reluctantly, I put the phone down on my bedside table and take my face in my hands. I breathe in deeply, rub my temples, and stare at the phone for a while, hoping that he’ll make the first step.

But unsurprisingly, he doesn’t.

David’s enthusiasm for his new project quickly rubs on me. I lose myself so completely in my work, I barely have time to think about anything other than how Rosalyn – my character – would feel in a particular scene or what mannerisms she’d use in a specific situation. The days are stretching from before sunrise till a little after sunset, but they never feel long.

And when I make my way back to my hotel room, I’m so exhausted that I don’t think about doing anything other than have a good meal, shower all the sweat and makeup from the day, and fall into a deep slumber until the next morning.

Days pass. Weeks, even. Justine, who’s still working as my personal assistant on set, tells me she’s worried that I’m diving so deeply in my work, but I reassure her quickly. It’s for the best. I know she wants to bring up the subject of him, but I don’t let her. I haven’t stopped to really think about him in a while, ever since that night I couldn’t bring myself to call him, and it’s better that way. He needs space, and for once, I’ll think about him instead of being selfish and making it all about me.

It all goes well until one day, my scenes wrap earlier than usual and I’m forced to go back to the hotel in the middle of the afternoon. I think of asking Justine to stay with me, so I’m not alone with my thoughts, but in the end, I decide to let her take her rest, as she looks a lot more exhausted than I am.

And so I find myself staring at my laptop once again, the Skype window daring me to send an invite to him. It’s been a whole month now since we last spoke to each other.

And even though I’m trying hard to deny it, the truth is that it still stings like the first day.

As my eyes are locked on his name, I slide the cursor on it and click. His icon picture is smiling back at me, and I feel a pang of guilt at the thought of all the pain he’s gone through because of me.

But then I remember my conversation with Justine, how I was adamant I would get his friendship back, and I think I’ve sulked enough. I take a deep breath and send the video chat request. I have nothing to lose.

My heart starts beating faster as I wait for him to respond. Maybe I should have sent him a text before.

But then, I’m graced with the most beautiful sight I’ve had since I came back from Hawaii.

His smiling face staring back at me.

“Hi, Jen,” he says, his voice strong.

“Hi, Josh,” I reply in a low voice, hiding my mouth with my hand as I fight the tears filling my eyes. “It’s been a while.”

“It has. How are you?”

It takes me a moment to answer. I’m mesmerized by the sparkle of the webcam light reflecting in his stunning eyes, the sincerity in his crooked grin, the handsomeness of his whole face. I take him in. He looks fine, in much better shape than me.

Maybe he’s already met some girls over there to forget me.

“I’m fine,” I say, cringing internally as I know very well that it’s not true, but I can’t possibly tell him that. “I’m working hard, but it’s really satisfying. I don’t regret taking on the project.”

He smiles wider. I realize I long for him so badly. I wish I could touch him, smell him, feel the smoothness of the skin of his hand and the scratchy patch of stubble along the side of his jaw. He’s so gorgeous with the little tan he got since he’s gotten there.

“That’s great,” he says, nodding slightly. “I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks. How is Panama?”

“It’s good. Very hot, but I’m not gonna complain.”

I’m dying to ask him if he’s met new people, but I know now is not the time.

“Was there a specific reason you wanted to talk to me?” he asks, making my heart shatter in my chest. He thinks I need a reason to talk to him now. I can’t possibly just want to hear his voice, see his face, feel his presence even thousands of miles away.

“I just wanted to see you. I miss you a lot, Josh.”

“I miss you too.”

He’s silent for a while.

“How have you been these last few weeks? For real?”

I bite my lip.

“Jen?”

“A mess.”

I look down and hide my face in my hands.

“What do you mean?”

I swallow thickly. I shouldn’t say this. I know that. But I can’t help myself.

“I mean that... I stayed on my couch for a week after you left. Barely ate, showered, talked. And now I’ve been losing my mind over work. I’m sorry...”

“Don’t be,” he whispers with his softest voice, the one that still makes my insides twist. “I didn’t want it to go that way. I thought... I thought you would surround yourself with people, forget me for a while. It’s better that way in the long run.”

“I know. But I also know that I need you in my life. You’ve been my best friend ever since I met you, Josh. The truth is that I don’t know how to deal with all this circus without you. I miss everything about you... but most of all I miss your friendship. I need you.”

“I miss you too. I never meant to destroy our friendship either. I think it’s salvageable, don’t you think?”

I chance a glance at the screen. He’s looking at the camera with that candid look of his, that adorable face that makes me melt every time. And so I gladly accept what he’s offering me.

“I think so too.”

“Great. Now I want you to promise me one thing. Whenever you’re upset, talk to somebody. It can be me, it can be Justine, it can be anybody, but don’t keep it for yourself, okay?”

I nod.

“Promise, Jen.”

“I promise.”

Josh’s POV

Getting used to living far away from Jennifer turned out to be a little easier than I thought it would be, especially after I left her house in tears, knowing that I’d just broken her heart – and mine too.

But we needed it, and I think she acknowledged it.

I just didn’t anticipate how awkward it would be to build our friendship back from the beginning. I flew away to Panama as soon as I could to kill off any temptation of running back to her, but I was still dying to find a way to get in touch with her again.

The whole month it took, while I mostly did preparation work for the movie, I kept praying she would make the first step. Which was dumb, since I was the one who decided our romantic relationship was over. After the pain I had caused her, I couldn’t expect her to want anything to do with me anymore.

But for some reason, she did. And after that call, a few days ago, I felt more at ease to start texting her again, and I already look forward to our next Skype rendezvous.

It’s almost as good as seeing her for real.

Today, I’ll be meeting up again with the girl who will play my love interest in the movie. I’ve met her briefly once, when she walked in for a chemistry read in LA back in February. I vaguely recall her huge smile, dark look, soft brown hair. I don’t know much about her, except that her name is Claudia, she’s pretty, she comes from Spain, and her English is pretty good for a foreigner.

Back then, we had made polite conversation, nothing more. It was a very professional meeting. But now, I’m waiting for her in a Panama City coffee shop so we can get to know each other on a more personal level, building a deeper connection so that our chemistry as on-screen lovers appears more genuine.

I order my coffee, pick it up and choose a small table to sit by the window. After a few minutes of staring absent-mindedly at the people strolling down the sidewalk, I finally spot her walk around the corner and enter the coffee shop. Her long hair is hanging loose, flowing down past her shoulders. The tight-fitting black tank-top she’s wearing highlights her curvy chest, while her short denim skirt shows off her thighs. I can’t help but eye her up and down as she makes her way to the counter to order her own drink. I barely understand what she says, but I don’t really focus on her words anyway. I only hear the soft melody of her voice, before I shake myself back to reality.

No wonder she won the chemistry read with me, she’s totally my type.

While the barista prepares her coffee, she scans the shop, obviously looking for me. When her eyes finally lock with my own and I wave to her discreetly, her grin gets wider and I find myself returning it in earnest. Yeah, she’s pretty cute when she smiles.

But then my smile fades as Jen’s lovely face pops up in my head. I can’t help it. The more I want to forget her, the more she seems to crawl inside my mind, haunting me every time I take a step to try and move on from her.

I’m thrown out of my thoughts when Claudia makes her way to me, sets her cup on the table and bends down so I can kiss her cheeks. She sits in front of me, still gazing at me with the same nice smile.

“So,” she says, taking a careful sip of her coffee. “Josh... how are you?”

“I’m good,” I say. I’m definitely not ready to open up to her about my personal troubles. “The country’s nice.”

“Yeah. It is.”

I put my attention back on my drink to hide my discomfort. She doesn’t appear much more at ease than I am with making small talk. It’s quite surprising that I can’t seem to have a simple conversation with her now, though. I’m known to be the talkative one, the one who makes new people comfortable in a new circle of friends, just like I did on the Catching Fire set with the new cast members. So why am I feeling so awkward here? I have no idea.

Thankfully, she saves me from further embarrassment by breaking the awkward silence.

“I’m a big Hunger Games fan, you know,” she says with a wink.

“Oh yeah? I hope I don’t disappoint you in the next one.”

“Oh, I’m sure you won’t.” Her eyes seem to lighten up. “You were the best thing in the first movie.”

“Well, Jen – Jennifer – is an Oscar winner...” I stammer, looking down sheepishly.

“Well she’s overrated. And you are underrated.”

I stare at her in confusion. There’s something weird in her tone and attitude, but I can’t put my finger on it. Regardless of the compliment, though, I know I don’t appreciate her throwing shade at the woman I still love so much, despite everything that happened between us.

“She’s the best actress I’ve ever worked with,” I say with a smile as I recall watching her act in the scene where Katniss and Peeta part ways in the arena in Catching Fire - which we reshot after the Oscars - and how I suggested she could do it another way and she teased me that I was trying to give advice to an Oscar winner, before giggling and lightly pecking my lips. I feel a sudden burst of longing at the memory. “No way she’s overrated, I’m sorry. But thanks for the compliment, I guess.”

“You’re welcome.”

She doesn’t add anything, simply lifting her cup to her lips and taking a sip of the mousse covering her coffee, her playful gaze still stuck on me. I start to feel more uncomfortable, so I decide to try and shift the focus on her rather than my personal life.

“So... tell me about you. How did you end up becoming an actress?”

I’m relieved when she goes on a long monologue about how she started out as a child actress – just like me – and had a few roles here and there on some local soap operas, until she landed this part. She also tells me about her next project for after this movie wraps up, a musical in which she will star all throughout the fall.

“You’re a singer?” I ask in surprise.

“Yes. You don’t sing? Maybe I could teach you?”

“Nah,” I chuckle, looking away in shame. “I’m a desperate case. I sound like an old record. But I’d love to hear you, one day.”

“Sure.”

She keeps watching me intently, and as I’m about to take a sip of coffee to dispel the tension, my phone buzzes in my pocket. I take it out just to turn the vibration off, feeling bad for being distracted from my guest.

“Go ahead,” Claudia says, retrieving her own phone from inside her purse.

“Okay.”

I glance at the message on the screen.

JENNIFER: Hey, what about another Skype meeting tonight? I’m off early. I miss you.

I smile, and quickly type back my answer.

JOSH: Yeah, sure. I’ll log on as soon as I get back to the hotel.

Her answer comes in fast.

JENNIFER: Get back? You went out?

My smile grows wider as I imagine a hint of jealousy in her words. Somehow, I like to think that she still feels like she has a claim on me, even though we’re no longer a couple.

Well, we’ve never really been one to start with. But I can recognize that she was possessive of me back then, and it warms my insides to know that she might still be.

I haven’t lost hope that one day, we’ll make it work. Maybe even soon, if I’d stop lying to myself.

“I’m sorry,” I say to Claudia as my fingers run through the screen.

“No, it’s okay,” she replies, her gaze focused on her own phone. “Take your time.”

“Thanks.”

I finally tap the “Send” button.

JOSH: Just having a coffee with my costar.

I wait for her reply, but it doesn’t come. I take a sip and look at Claudia, who is busy typing a message of her own. Then, my own phone finally buzzes with Jen’s answer.

JENNIFER: Is she pretty?

I have to hide a laugh. I decide to be honest.

JOSH: Not as pretty as you.

This time, she doesn’t reply straightaway. Claudia puts her phone back in her purse and surprises me with some personal confessions I hadn’t seen coming.

“I had a boyfriend in Madrid. I broke up just before I came here.”

“Oh...” I say, covering her hand with mine in support. “I’m sorry.”

She has no idea that we have this in common as well. But I’m not about to reveal this to her. I’m not ready to talk about it, especially not with her.

“Thank you,” she says in a soft voice, her eyes fixed on our touching hands. “It wasn’t serious anyway. I’m over him now, really. I’m ready to live something else.”

She looks up into my eyes. I promptly remove my hand from hers and grab my mug with both hands to cover my uneasiness. Then, my phone vibrates again with one last text from Jen.

JENNIFER: Impossible. I bet she’s all your type: brown hair, dark tan, chocolate eyes. Well, see you later.

Grinning, I shake my head and put my phone back in my pocket. Claudia stares at me with a knowing look.

“Your girlfriend?” she asks innocently.

I bite my lip.

“My best friend.”

“Oh. You don’t have a girlfriend?”

I’m taken aback for a second, until I remember that I can answer this very easily. There’s no more hidden romance to cover up.

“No. I don’t.”

She simply nods. I don’t explain things any further or elaborate on the identity of my best friend, and she doesn’t push for it either. Instead, we spend the rest of our meeting chatting about Panama and the movie.

And all along, my thoughts keep drifting to Jennifer, my heart beating faster at the idea of seeing her again – even if only through the screen of my computer.

She looks stunning, despite the obvious fatigue in her features. Her smile is radiant, her eyes are bright under the webcam light.

I miss her so much.

“Hi, Josh,” she says, her voice sweet, tender.

“Hi,” I reply. “How are you doing?”

“Not so bad. The movie is coming along nicely. I’m almost done shooting my scenes.”

“Nice!”

“What about you?”

I shrug.

“There’s not much to say. We’re getting ready to film. I’m making friends on set. The usual.”

I see her take a deep breath and force a smile.

“What about your costar?” she asks, her shaky voice betraying her jealousy. The thought makes me smile.

“There’s nothing to say. She’s a costar, that’s it. She’s nice.”

“Great.” She gives a forceful nod, and swallows thickly. “You deserve to be surrounded by nice people.”

“Jen...” I start, my heart breaking at what she’s implying. “You know that’s not the reason I broke up, right? You’re the most amazing woman I know.”

She sighs.

“Still. You deserve to be with someone who can be fully yours. Someone who’s not fucked up, someone who-“

“Stop.”

She looks down. I wish I could grab her hand, take her in my arms, whisper in her ear that I’m sorry, that I still love her, that I wish we could just fix what’s wrong between us and get back together. I’ve never damned the miles separating us so much.

“I wish I could see you soon,” she sighs. “I’m done with this movie in a few days and I’m going back home in Kentucky for the weekend. We have a family brunch. If you had been here...”

“Next weekend?” The wheels start turning in my head. Next weekend is my mom’s birthday. Maybe I could...

“Yes, next weekend,” she replies, her eyes suddenly lighting up. “Why? Is there a way you could come back?”

“I don’t know. I’d have to ask. But it’s my mom’s birthday too, and I haven’t started filming yet, and since I got here earlier, most of my prep work is already done. And we already have a day off on weekends. Maybe I could afford to make the trip.”

“That would be so nice!” she says giddily. I smile.

“Look, I’ll call my manager and see if it’s possible, okay? I’d really like to go with you. I... I miss you, Jen. A lot.”

There’s a little voice at the back of my head that warns me it may be too early, but I don’t care. It’s been almost a month and a half already, and if I miss her love, I miss her friendship even more.

I know it won’t help me move on from her. But maybe... I could indulge myself in her presence one last time. Test the waters, see if we can start breaking the awkwardness between us and rebuild our friendship like before. After this, there will be no chance for us to see each other in the flesh for months.

And she’ll be reunited with her ex. That’s when she’ll probably figure out if she truly is over him or not. If she is, then maybe, there’s a chance we could still work together, as a couple. If she isn’t... then I’ll move on. For real, this time. For good.

I stare at her lovely eyes, thinking about all the times she looked at me this way. All the times I believed she loved me as much as I loved her. All the times I foolishly hoped she would be ready to welcome me proudly into her life.

“I miss you too,” she finally says, her voice cracking at the end. “I’m looking at you now, and it’s not enough...”

“I understand.”

She smiles.

“I hope it all works out.”

It turns out I couldn’t have picked a better moment for my stateside escapade. I’m supposed to start filming only next week, so I’m cleared to make the trip back.

My last trip before going back home for good in a couple of months.

As I pack in my luggage, Andre’s hard voice calling me from the living room of my suite makes me jump in surprise.

“What is this shit?”

I sigh and turn around, taking in his angry look.

“I’m just going home for the weekend,” I say calmly. “No big deal. It’s my mom’s birthday, remember?”

“I thought you had decided to miss out this year because of the hassle from going back and forth,” he points out. “Unless... unless you have another reason to go?”

I look down.

“Jen invited me to a brunch with her family on Sunday,” I admit, turning away from him to shove a few t-shirts in my suitcase.

“She did? Why?”

“Well, it’s our last opportunity to see each other-“

“I thought it was over?”

“It is. But we’re still friends. And I want us to stay friends.”

I carefully avoid mentioning how I still hope it could evolve into more, maybe even soon. He shakes his head sadly.

“How will you face her? After you broke her heart?”

“I’ve talked to her a few times already, Andre. She’s gotten over it. She knows it couldn’t keep going that way.”

“That girl was in love with you.”

“Nope. She loved me, yes, but she wasn’t in love. Not yet.”

“How do you know that?”

“If she truly was in love with me, she wouldn’t have been so confused. We’re just going back to being simple, good friends, for now. And trust me, it’s going pretty well so far.”

He doesn’t answer right away. I walk to the closet to pick a couple of pairs of jeans.

“Tell yourself that,” he finally says. “It’s too early. It’s gonna backfire.”

“I don’t think so.”

He sighs, and then lifts his hands up as if to surrender. I walk back to the bed and put the last two items of clothing inside the case.

“You tell me, when we come back.”

I give him a sad smile, before zipping my suitcase.

“I sure will.”

I land in Cincinnati the day before my mom’s birthday. I’ve decided to keep my visit a secret, only telling it to my brother so he could plan the whole gathering at the house, with the rest of the family’s help.

That is, everyone but my dad.

I will see him later today, but it stings to think he will leave before the party. Upon talking with Connor on the phone, I found out he and my mom were still friends, but he isn’t at ease staying for the party. I don’t know why, if they’re still friends. After all, what I’ll be doing with Jennifer’s family tomorrow is similar. I can’t imagine a reason why I wouldn’t be comfortable enough to stay.

Because I don’t want to reveal my presence to my mom before tomorrow, I’ve rented a room in a hotel with Andre instead of staying home as usual. So we take a cab from the airport to the hotel, riding the car in total silence. I can sense he’s still mad at me for what he perceives is me playing with Jen’s feelings, but I don’t care. He can think whatever he wants. I know what I’m doing. And Jen seems perfectly okay with it too.

As soon as we’re set in the room, I retrieve my phone from my jean pocket to call my brother. I barely have time to sit next to the window before I hear his jovial tone, his voice now matching mine almost perfectly.

“Hey, bro,” he starts. “You made it?”

“Yep. Just wanted to make sure everything is ready.”

“What, you don’t trust your little bro?”

I chuckle.

“No, that’s the thing. I trust you to make this into this huge party that will be just too big for us, you know? Keep it simple, man.”

“Yeah. Don’t worry about that.”

“Okay.”

I bite my lip. There’s an awkward silence when Connor doesn’t add anything either.

“Have you seen dad in a while?” I finally ask. Better get this out of the way as soon as possible.

“Yes.”

“How is he?”

He hesitates. I stare outside at the cars waiting at the red light.

“He’s okay, I guess. They were drifting apart for a long time, you know.”

Yes, I know. Eleven years, to be exact. Probably going back to that day when I left Kentucky with my mom to try my luck at pilot season in Hollywood. Who knows what would have happened if I had been a normal kid, rather than a thirsty wannabe child actor.

I sigh.

“I can’t believe they never told me anything about it. How long have you known?”

“A few weeks... months, I guess.”

A few months. So, the last time I saw my dad back in February at the Super Bowl, he could have told me what was going on. Yet, he didn’t say a word.

But I suddenly recall his taciturn behavior that day. The sad look in his eyes when I confessed my relationship woes to him. Was he thinking about his own problems? Was he debating over revealing the truth to me?

I’ll probably never know.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he adds on a remorseful tone.

“No, it’s okay,” I say before he has a chance to add anything. “It wasn’t yours to tell.”

There is a pregnant pause, before my brother changes subjects and reassures me that everything is under control for tomorrow’s party. I thank him and hurry to hang up, suddenly feeling uncomfortable with everything we left unsaid. This is a sensitive matter and I’m not ready to talk about it.

Especially as I’m set to be faced with it in just a few hours when I meet up with him.

The dinner with my dad goes on in an awkward string of silences, odd small talk and absolutely no mentions to our respective personal lives. He sticks to his job, Connor’s spring break, the latest college basketball tournament. In return, I never once bring up Jennifer. I simply talk about the weather in Panama, the flight back home, and my excitement at the idea of working with Benicio again. Andre joins us for the meal, and tries to fill the silence with stupid anecdotes of his own.

And so when the night is over and we part ways, I’m not sad. I’m relieved.

The next day, Andre rents a car to drive us to Union. I’m expecting a text or a phone call from Jen about our meeting tomorrow morning, but she doesn’t give any sign of life.

The ride to Union is another awkward experience. Andre tries to make light conversation, but I’m still thinking about yesterday. Studying my dad’s way of moving on.

Andre quickly gives up his attempt at distracting me from my dark thoughts.

“What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing,” I reply, looking out the window at the panels announcing we’ll soon be in Kentucky that are lining the road.

He chuckles.

“Yeah, right.”

I sigh.

“I’m just sad my dad won’t be here, is all,” I say in a dry voice. “It’s the first family event he’ll miss... voluntarily.”

From the corner of my eye, I see him nod lightly. His eyes don’t leave the road ahead when he utters his answer.

“He’s giving you ideas.”

“What?”

“He’s giving you a crash course on how to move on from the woman you love,” he explains, shaking his head. “Am I correct?”

I would be lying if I said that it didn’t cross my mind. That my dad’s strong resolve in detaching himself from my mom is quickly becoming an example of how I should behave with Jen, if I want to forget her – as a lover – one day.

And that going to her family outing tomorrow might be my first mistake in the process, though I still reckon there’s hope for us. I can’t bring myself to give up so easily. I won’t follow my father’s path.

As if he were reading my thoughts, Andre turns to me and speaks with gritted teeth.

“Don’t you dare cancel your trip tomorrow.”

“There’s no way I would,” I say in a small voice.

“Good.”

He focuses on the road ahead, and I take a deep breath. The morning sun blinds me suddenly, and I close my eyes to relax and try to forget the harsh reality of my current love life.

Try to forget the hope in Jen’s eyes when I suggested I could take a break and fly back for the weekend. Surely, she’s just eager to get her best friend back.

I decide that I am, too. I’m not ready to allow myself to hope for anything more, for now.

“Hey, bro!”

As soon as Andre and I walk inside the house, Connor greets me with a pat on the back and a big bear hug. I grin as he quickly hugs Andre, and we all make our way to the kitchen.

“She’s gonna be back in an hour,” he explains. “People should start arriving soon.”

“Great.”

I open the fridge and start pulling plates of sandwiches out. Andre grabs one of the bags of chips on the counter, gets a bowl out of the cabinet and dumps the bag’s contents into it.

We work in silence for a while until I sense my brother’s insistent gaze on me. I turn to face him, and he smiles warmly.

“I’m really happy you made the trip. She has no idea. And she’ll be thrilled. You can’t possibly imagine. After the last few weeks...” he bites his lip. I nod, allowing him to keep his thoughts on the situation to himself.

“Yeah. I’m glad I could come, too.”

“Still gonna see Jen tomorrow?”

“If she ever calls me, yes,” I say, fetching my phone from my jean pocket. I frown when I see I have one unread message.

“Damn it,” I mutter, “how come I didn’t hear it ring?”

I scan the screen for the message and smile.

JENNIFER: Hey! Thought I wouldn’t follow up, huh? I’ll be waiting for you at my parents’ place tomorrow morning at 9. You better not be late.

I type back my reply with a smile.

JOSH: YOU better be ready by the time I get there. You can count on me.

Her answer comes in quickly, and my heart tightens in my chest when I see her words.

JENNIFER: Great! See you tomorrow. Love you.

I look up, feeling some tears prickle at the corners of my eyes, and sigh. I pinch my nose to get back to reality, and write up my reply.

JOSH: See you tomorrow. Love you too.

Which is true. I just need to go back to a more friendship-type of love.

This is fucking hard.

She doesn’t answer, and I hide my phone back in my pocket. Connor stares at me, obviously aware of my discomfort.

“Yep, I’m going,” I say simply. He nods, knowing me well enough to figure out when to avoid pushing a subject further.

He doesn’t have a chance to try and get more information out of me, because there’s a ring at the door and he has to welcome the first guests. Quickly, the house fills up with a large mix of friends and family members.

I’m glad for the opportunity to be left alone. I grab a bottle of beer and gulp it down rather quickly, while feeling Andre’s judging stare stuck on me. I shake my head.

“You better not comment on this.”

“I haven’t said a word.”

“You don’t even need to talk.”

“Josh...”

“No.”

This is not the time. I take a deep breath, plant a huge smile on my lips and start to act as the social butterfly I’ve always been, making chitchat with all the people around me while we wait for our guest of honor.

She doesn’t make us wait for long. Suddenly, Connor asks us all to hide in the kitchen as he has just spotted my grandfather’s car turning in the driveway. We all wait in silence until we hear the door open, and then everyone runs into the living room, screaming in unison.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MICHELLE!”

I’m standing at the back of the crowd, so she doesn’t see me, but I catch a glimpse of her doing a stunned double-take, freezing in the middle of removing her coat while my grandfather joins the chorus of voices singing her “happy birthday” and clapping their hands. And then, she’s laughing, crying, hugging and kissing every guest. I stay in the shadows, a large smile lighting up my face. Once she gets close enough to see me, I share a quick glance with my brother, who nods in her direction to give me a signal to move forward. As I walk next to her and she finally turns around, she covers her mouth with her hands in surprise and stares at me with wide eyes.

“Josh!” she says with her sweet, delicate voice, while slowly lowering her hands. Her eyes start to get teary as I walk closer and open my arms to her for a crushing hug.

“Happy birthday, mom.”

“When did you get here? You’re not supposed to be here!” she scolds me, and I chuckle.

“I was allowed to take a short break.”

“Oh, Josh,” she whispers, tightening her hold on me. Somehow, I’m getting emotional over this too, seeing how proud and surprised she is at the sight of me here for her birthday. “I’m so happy to see you.”

“Me too.”

I pull away, and she grabs my cheeks, staring at me as if I wasn’t real. As if it could be someone else standing here in front of her, and not her own son.

My aunt breaks the moment by wishing her happy birthday, and making her attention shift away from me. I walk back into the kitchen to fetch another beer.

I observe the scene from afar, taking in how ecstatic my mom looks. How free. Maybe the only reason that she’s glowing so much is because it’s her birthday. But I can’t shake the intuition that her looking so happy might have something to do with her feeling released from the cage of her marriage to my dad.

And then it pains me again to think that he’s not here today.

I wonder if he’s even wished her a happy birthday.

People quickly start conversations, and I find myself alone in a corner of the kitchen while everyone is busy chatting. As I finally decide to go mingle with the people – after all, I know most of them, and I barely have a chance to see them as it is, what with my hectic schedule – I’m taken aback by an unexpected sight near the hallway.

“Dad?” I say incredulously, and he turns around to face me, a small smile lighting up his face.

“You really thought I wouldn’t show up to your mom’s birthday?” he winks.

I frown.

“I thought... never mind,” I reply with a dismissive gesture. He takes off his coat, walks up to me and hugs me.

“How are you, son?” he asks.

“I’m great.”

He gives me a small nod, and scans the crowd for a sign of the one celebrating her birthday. When he finally catches sight of her short frame and blonde hair in the middle of the people, he walks up to her, and she greets him with a huge grin.

She doesn’t seem surprised to see him there. I don’t get it.

“Happy birthday,” he says, taking her in his arms.

“Thank you so much! I’m glad you came,” she replies.

“I couldn’t miss that.”

The smile they share makes me puzzled. Where is the awkward dad I had dinner with last night?

As I observe them, chatting and laughing with everybody, I shake my head and just give up on trying to figure out what’s going on.

I’m sure I’ll find out soon anyway.