Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Josh’s POV

Sometimes I wonder why I just can’t move on from her. She’s one of my best friends, she knows me better than anybody – other than my mom, maybe - and no one makes me laugh more than her. We already have an awesome friendship. Why do I keep hoping for more? Why do I torture myself with such thoughts?

It all started a year and a half ago, whilst we were filming The Hunger Games. I had met her a few months prior on the red carpet during the award season. Back then, I had no idea our lives would change so much in only a matter of months. I had no clue we were going to work together for a few years. I couldn’t imagine I was about to fall head over heels in love.

She was so pretty in her hot pink dress, she was lighting up the whole room. She keeps debating with me about it, but I know for sure this is the event at which we met for the first time. The Screen Actors Guild awards, January 30^th, 2011. I remember that day very clearly, and not only for her gorgeous look. When we crossed paths on the red carpet, she introduced herself to me and confessed to me that I had inspired her to keep pursuing a career in acting when she was ready to give up, all because, like her, I was a young one from Kentucky who dreamed of making a living in Hollywood. My jaw had dropped in surprise. That girl, who was nominated for an Academy Award, had basically admitted that without me, she wouldn’t have made it. We barely spoke again the whole night, but I came across her once more at the Independent Spirit Awards. This is the one time she truly remembers meeting me, as she keeps arguing she was wearing a white dress that night. After the award presentation, there was a party and she eventually joined me on the dance floor. Funnily enough, I’m the one who doesn’t remember much from that night. I only recall how she looked amazing in that white dress, her blond hair cascading in beautiful waves over her shoulders, her body heat overwhelming my senses as she moved enthusiastically next to me, and her enticing floral scent making me dizzy as she leaned in close to my mouth to hear my voice over the blasting music.

Two days later, I attended the Academy Awards ceremony for the first time with the cast of The Kids Are All Right. We arrived at the same time, so we walked the red carpet next to one another. She was so stunning in her simple, elegant red dress, her golden hair shining under the spotlights. Next to her, I looked like I was just blending in the crowd. I guess I would always just stay in the shadows, hoping one day, she would stop looking at me from above – not for the reason that she’s always towering over me because of the giant heels she wears at events all the time, but figuratively – but I knew I was destined to be her precious little best friend, nothing more. She cared for someone else. Someone who had already been involved in wrecking my love life at some point.

I had known since the first night we actually talked to each other that Jennifer had a boyfriend. It took a few more conversations for me to discover that the guy she was dating was one of my exes’ rebound after she had dumped me. Or was he the reason she broke it off with me? I didn’t know back then, and I probably never will. What I do know, is that he owned Jennifer’s heart and I had to accept it.

I had cringed when I had realized I could have met her a lot sooner and had a real chance to win her over. At the time, I was in talks to join the X-Men franchise and would have appeared in the X-Men: First Class movie, but the role I was supposed to play was finally written off the script. Perhaps she would have still fallen for Nick. But it kills me to think that there is a possibility – albeit slim - that she would have paid more attention to me back then.

Right after the 2011 Oscars, my agent booked me a place for the Hunger Games auditions. I had read the books as soon as I had heard they were making movies out of them, and I had totally connected with the character of Peeta Mellark. I had never wanted a role so badly in my life. I was pretty confident in my chances of getting it, although I did a double-take when I entered the waiting room the day of the auditions and found myself surrounded by tall, blond-haired/blue-eyed boys. I knew there was nothing a good hair dye job couldn’t do, and the inaccurate color of my eyes wouldn’t stand out all that much on the big screen, but I couldn’t help but worry that the filmmakers would have a harder time picturing me as Peeta  than they would with those guys who already fitted his physical description perfectly.

It turned out they didn’t need to see me with blond hair to recognize the Peeta in me. Gary Ross and Suzanne Collins seemed pretty pleased with my interpretation of the character, and I had confirmation that I had made a good impression when I was called in for a chemistry read with the actress who had been cast as Katniss Everdeen. I knew a lot of young actresses had auditioned for the part, but I had no idea who had actually gotten the coveted role. I was astounded when I saw her walk in the audition room. She had just given me another reason the fight hard for the part; there was no way I would miss on an opportunity to work with her. Not only did I already know she was a brilliant actress thanks to her previous films, but I also suspected she would be a real pleasure to work with because of her funny and refreshing personality. She looked genuinely delighted to see me enter the audition room. Fortunately for me, we hit it off right away and I found out a few weeks later that I had been cast in the role. I was speechless when I was told the good news.

A few months later, we shot the movie in North Carolina. It didn’t take long for us to become very close friends. We shared common interests, we had the same sense of humour. I was profoundly attracted to her both on a physical and emotional level, but since she was still dating Nick and I respected that, I tried, as much as I could, to forget any bubbling romantic feelings I could have had for her. It was hard, seeing how she seemed to complete me in more ways than one. But eventually, I had myself convinced that we had a solid friendship that would never develop into something more, and therefore, I could push the pang of disappointment that stabbed me in the gut every time I saw her deep down into my core.

After we finished filming the movie, it took another few months before we saw each other again. She filmed Silver Linings Playbook for most of the fall, then I did a lot of promotion for the second Journey movie. We kept in touch, mostly via texting, and being away from her seemed to help me move on. We were finally reunited for the Hunger Games press tour. I really thought I was over her. Yet, it only took a couple of appearances, listening to her joking about all and nothing, smiling at each other in remembrance of our old antics, taking in her perfect body, for all these feelings to come back in full force. I tried my hardest to hide any trace of them, to act as if my heart wasn’t beating like a drum every time I found myself near her. Fortunately, being as close as we were, she found a confident in me and kept reminding me, without necessarily wanting to, that she had a boyfriend. It helped burst my bubble when I found myself too far gone in my fantasies.

And here we are now, about to start filming the second of our four movies together. This is probably going to be the hardest of three shoots for me – we’re filming the two Mockingjay movies back to back, as if it were one huge movie – seeing as this is the point of the story where Peeta and Katniss truly fall in love. Jennifer will have no problem faking being in love with me. Hell, she might even find it awkward like the first time, as the idea of dating me must be simply unthinkable to her. The hardest part for me will be holding myself back. Trying not to hint that I’m not just pretending to be in love with her. Making sure she remains as oblivious to my feelings as she has always been.

I just moved into my temporary home for the next two months. Instead of having Jen and I stay at the hotel for the entire shoot, the production company rented us houses in the Atlanta suburban area. Mine is medium-sized, with three bedrooms, a living room, a huge kitchen and a large bathroom. The walls are all white, but the house is well decorated. It has large windows, so that it’s bathed in sunlight the whole day.

“Which room did you pick, buddy?”

Andre’s voice makes me jump out of my thoughts. He made the trip with me to work as my personal assistant/bodyguard, like he does on most of my shoots. I point out the farthest room at the end of the hallway.

“I should have known you’d choose the biggest one.”

“Well, I’m the one who has to share a room with the dog!” I reply, laughing.

I decided that instead of asking my family or hiring someone to take care of Driver, my dog, I’d bring him with me for part of the shoot. With Andre making the trip with me, he’ll be in good company when I’m busy filming. As if sensing that we were talking about him, Driver runs to me, begging to be petted. I quickly run my hand on the top of his head to please him.  Andre disappears in another room with his travel case, whilst I bring my own stuff to my bedroom. Although I’m scheduled to stay here for two months, I always travel light. My mom finally got tired of washing my clothes and taught me to do laundry. Since then, I’ve taken her advice to heart and bring only a few comfy jeans and t-shirts that I wear over and over again. I’m glad this house has its own washer and dryer set. I’m gonna put them to good use over the course of this shoot.

As I’m emptying the contents of my travel case into the drawers, I hear the sound of an incoming text message on my phone. I retrieve it from my jean pocket and smile when I see who the sender is.

JENNIFER: Hey there, are you in Atlanta yet?

JOSH: I just dropped my stuff in my rental house. Are you?

I wait a few seconds for her answer, still grinning like an idiot. Andre would make fun of me like crazy if he wasn’t busy in his own room.

JENNIFER: I’m on my way to my house. Apparently, we’re almost neighbors.

Oh, really? That’s interesting.

JOSH: So you know where I’m staying? Meet me here when you’re done?

I drop the phone on my dresser and take the pile of t-shirts from the case. Her answer doesn’t take long to come in.

JENNIFER: I will! I missed you so much Josh. Can’t wait to see you.

Andre leaves the house half an hour later to go run some errands. I finish unpacking my stuff and crash on the couch to wait for Jen. I barely have time to flip through the channels on the TV before I hear the doorbell ring. I get up and open the door. There she is, flashing me a huge smile. God, how I missed that woman.

“Hey Josh!”

“Oh, Jen, I missed you so much!”

She throws herself in my arms for a crushing bear hug. I bury my face in her hair and breathe in her scent deeply. Suddenly, a ton of feelings I had convinced myself were gone for good come back to me. She still has that effect on me. I’m screwed.

“I’m so happy to see you,” she says in a whisper.

I finally pull back a little to take a look at her face. She watches me intently, still grinning. I can’t keep staring at her like that or else she’ll realize what she sees in my eyes is more than friendship love. I drop my gaze to the floor and turn around.

“What do you want to do?” I finally ask in a cheerful tone.

“I’m hungry and there’s nothing to eat at my place, wanna go grocery shopping with me?”

“Sure, I need to get stuff for here as well, let’s go.”

I’m so happy to finally get to spend time with Josh after we’ve been apart for so many months. I hadn’t quite fully grasped how much I actually missed him before seeing him again today. There had been a strong feeling of relief mixed with something else – longing? - coursing through me when we hugged. Being able to talk with him at any time through text messages was cool, but sensing his presence beside me and feeling his strong arms enveloping me was even better.

Josh picks up his wallet, baseball cap and keys and opens the door, gesturing for me to go through before him. I wait for him as he turns around to lock the door. With his back to me and the grey tank top he’s wearing, I can’t help but peek at his arm and shoulder muscles that bulge with his every move.

“You finally decided it was time to start looking like a man I see? Worked your ass off in the gym?” I tease him. He turns around with a boyish smile.

“Enjoy what you see?” he answers playfully.

“Very much, Josh, very much. Don’t expect me to compliment you again, this was a one-off.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything else from you.”

I’m not even joking. He did bulk up a lot over the last few months. I realize he truly transformed from a cute boy to a handsome man. We walk together to his car.

“How are things going with the mister? You barely talk about him anymore,” he says, opening the door on the driver side.

I freeze in front of the vehicle. Josh seems to quickly understand this is a delicate subject for me to talk about as he doesn’t make a move to get in the car. Nick and I have been dating for two years. We are very much in love, which makes our long-distance relationship – he lives in London, I live in California – very difficult to deal with. I miss him a lot, but I have to focus on my career before anything else at the moment. I think he has a harder time than me dealing with the situation though.

We both sit in the car before I reply anything. Josh looks at me quizzically, still waiting for me to explain my odd reaction to his seemingly innocuous question.

“He asked me to move to London with him,” I answer with a sigh.

“Oh... what will you do?”

“There is no way I can move to London right now, Josh,” I speak softly. “I love the city, but my life is in Hollywood. He knows that, yet he’s pressuring me. I don’t know why. Being in a long-distance relationship is not easy, but it’s always been enough for us.”

“Maybe he’s ready for the next steps. When we’re finished filming Mockingjay, you’ll be done with franchises, you’ll be able to go back to indies only and won’t need to spend as much time in the US anymore. You’ll be able to live wherever you want and spend more time with him.”

There is a strange flickering in his voice. I shake my head as he starts the engine.

“Even doing indies, I would lose opportunities if I left the States. Nick’s career is breaking through here in Hollywood; he should be the one moving here, not me. I hate having to deal with the paps here, but living in Europe would not work for me. I would also miss my friends too much.”

“Including me?” he says, with a fake hopeful tone.

“Especially you”, I answer honestly.

If there is something these last few months away from him have taught me, it’s that I need his presence in my life. I don’t ever want to go back to a time where I didn’t know him. He’s my rock, my confident, my best friend. Which is why I’m currently talking to him about my problems with Nick, a subject I don’t feel comfortable discussing with most people surrounding me. When he asked me to move away from the US, a week before I left for Atlanta, he didn’t exactly enjoy my reaction. I didn’t understand how he could have thought getting away from Hollywood at this point was a good career move for me, and so I got mad. We had our biggest argument yet, and I kicked him out of my house in fury. I’m still wondering what went through his mind.

Josh doesn’t reply to my statement about him. He must know by now how significant he is in my life, but I don’t want him to think our bond could grow into more than friendship. I know he would always be respectful of my relationship with Nick and never make a move to wreck it, but we’ve always been very obviously attracted to each other. I look at his profile for a moment. He’s concentrated on the road ahead, his forehead wrinkled in three lines. His mouth is closed tightly in an unreadable expression.

“I hope you will make the right decision”, he finally says after a while. “You can’t let your talent go to waste. You’re the best actress I’ve ever seen, it would be a shame not to be able to see you do any more wonders because of a lack of opportunities resulting from a geographical issue.”

“You don’t believe one thing of what you just said,” I answer, playfully.

“I’m serious, Jen.”

He chances a glance in my direction. His features are set in a tensed expression.

“It’s an honor for me to work with you. Even though you’re so annoying on set. “

“See, I knew there was something fishy about your statement.”

“Still, it’s a pleasure to put up with your annoying habits on set.”

Josh drives into the parking lot of the local Walmart and finally stops the car. Before I can open the door to get out, he stills my movement by reaching for my arm. His fingers touching my bare skin cause a weird burst of goosebumps to run all over my body. He stares at me with the same serious expression I’ve had a glimpse of before, which makes me frown a little.

“Really, Jen. I know you don’t need me to tell you this, but just in case, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do it. No matter where you are, you’ll have a successful career. That’s one thing I’m sure of. I’m also pretty sure you’ll be able to have any role you want. So, you should take the decision that you think will make you feel the best. I know how important Nick is to you. If you want to make him happy and the only way to do that is to move to London, I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it work. I trust you.”

“Thank you, Josh. I’ll remember that.”