Work Text:
HEART-SHAPED HOLE
“Eggsy.”
“Hmm?” Eggsy slowly enters the bedroom, carefully carrying two cups of tea. He smiles with satisfaction as both cups make it to the nightstand without spilling, and Sebastian has to smile at the adorable grin of pride.
“What is this?” Sebastian holds the jacket in front of him and waits.
Eggsy glances up. “Oh. That.” He walks over and takes the hanger, holding the jacket up in front of his chest. “This is a Jeremy Scott original.” He runs a hand over the black and gold fabric.
“But what IS it? Why do you have it?”
“I have it because it’s mine. Why else would I have it?”
Sebastian’s mouth falls open. “You…wore this?”
“That is normally why one has clothing in their closet,” Eggsy points out. “Besides, you’ve seen a few pictures of me back in the day.”
“Christ. That is…not you.”
“It was once.” Eggsy’s tone is almost wistful as he removes the jacket from the hanger. He slides his arms into the sleeves. “How do I look? Twenty years younger?”
“You look…” Sebastian shakes his head. As long as he’s known Eggsy, he’s always worn tastefully tailored suits, or classic jackets and casual trousers. The occasional jumper and jeans. Not a loud monstrosity of a jacket with gold bars on it. “It still fits,” he finally says politely. “Not that I should be shocked. No man your age should look as good as you do.”
“You think I’m fit?”
“I think you’re stunning.” Sebastian kisses Eggsy’s nose. “But if it’s twenty years old, why are you keeping it?”
“Why not?” Eggsy removes the jacket and almost reverently returns it to its hanger and puts it back in the closet.
“To make room for your actual clothing.”
“I have more than enough room. Do YOU?” Eggsy points to the empty half of the closet.
“I do.” Sebastian goes to the pile of clothing on the bed and starts arranging things on hangers. “And if I don’t, I’ll work it out.”
“I can’t believe you’re really moving in.” Eggsy comes up behind him and kisses the back of his neck.
“That was quite a nice welcoming gift you gave me downstairs,” Sebastian says with a naughty grin.
“Perhaps we could christen each room,” Eggsy suggest, nipping down Seb’s throat.
“Haven’t we done that already?” Seb replies with a laugh.
“Mmm.” Eggsy pulls himself away and goes to the teacups. He hands one to Seb and gently touches them together. “To new beginnings.”
“To new beginnings.” Seb sips at his tea and sighs happily. He’d dreamt of this for so long, and now it’s real.
“Well.” Eggsy looks at the boxes on the floor and the clothing on the bed. “I’ll leave you to it, then. If you need me…”
“You’ll be downstairs in front of the telly,” Seb says with a wink.
“Put things wherever you like, babe. This is your home now.”
“Yeah,” Seb says, sighing happily again.
“SEBASTIAN!”
Seb comes hurrying into the kitchen from the laundry room. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I’m hungry and thought I’d have a snack.” Eggsy points to the apple on the counter. “I don’t want juice all over my fingers and wanted a knife. But apparently we no longer OWN knives.” Eggsy yanks the silverware drawer open and frowns. Butter knives, regular dinner knives, but nothing sharp.
“I boxed up the knives you had,” Sebastian says quietly. “They were mostly dull. I have that nice cooking set…” He points to the knife block by the stove. “There’s a paring knife in the bottom.”
“Fine.” Eggsy tugs the small knife from its slot.
“Cutting board under the…”
“I know where the cutting boards are. It’s my house.” Eggsy winces as soon as the words come out, gripping the edge of the counter. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. We’re still getting used to it, only been a fortnight,” Sebastian replies. “I switched some things around in here, since I use the kitchen more often than you do. Cutting boards are under the coffeemaker.”
“Thank you.” Eggsy looks at the knife in his hand, wondering if Sebastian realizes just what Eggsy can do with a small weapon such as this. How many ways Eggsy could hurt someone…make them suffer.
Warm arms wrap around him and the thought is slowly pushed from his mind with the press of Sebastian’s cheek to his back. “I want to pamper you tonight,” Seb murmurs. “Gonna cook you a fabulous dinner…so good you’re going to cry from how delicious it is.”
“About time you earn your keep,” Eggsy says lightly, and smiles as he feels Sebastian’s teeth bite through his jumper.
Eggsy smiles as he stands in the doorway of the kitchen. Sebastian is seated with his laptop, documents spread out over the flat surface of the kitchen table. There’s a pencil behind his ear, one between his teeth, and he’s tapping a third on his knee. His phone is in a speaker jack by the counter and he’s humming along with Elton John. “Genius burning in here, obviously. I can smell the smoke.”
“Morning, love. You were sleeping so soundly I hated to waken you. Had some work to do and figured I’d finish it so we had the day together.”
“Sounds lovely.” Eggsy plants a kiss on Seb’s forehead as he makes a beeline to the coffeemaker. “I love when we have a free Saturday.”
“Me, too.” Seb leans over to dig in his briefcase. He plops another folder onto the full tabletop.
“Sebastian, I have an office. With a desk and everything.”
“I know. But it’s your office. Your work. I don’t…I wouldn’t want to disturb anything.”
Eggsy frowns at the coffeemaker. Apparently all his warnings about his work and his office have paid off, because Sebastian’s actually physically afraid to enter that particular room. He tiptoes through the door whenever he needs to disturb Eggsy, and Eggsy knows full well that Seb won’t even run the vacuum in there. He thinks for a moment. The weapons are hidden and he can ask Merlin about encrypting a drawer or two, perhaps add a false bottom. “This is silly. An office is for working, and I don’t have half the paperwork you do,” he says honestly. “We can share.”
“I’m fine here.” Sebastian smiles at him. “Thanks, though.”
Eggsy opens the cabinet. “Where are my mugs?”
“Right in front of your face,” Sebastian says without looking up.
“No, they’re…” Eggsy’s eyes widen at the little hooks hanging from the bottom of the cabinet. His four favorite mugs are dangling from the first four hooks. Eggsy silently takes his “E is for Excellent” mug from Daisy and pours his coffee.
“You have some really adorable mugs, and I thought they’d be handier out in the open. Frees space in the cabinet as well.”
“Right,” Eggsy says vaguely. He sits down across from Seb, trying to find an empty space for his coffee. “So, what would you like to do today?”
“So what’s this place like? Is it nice like “wear a suit” nice, or nice like jumper and trousers nice?” Sebastian calls out from the bath.
“Jumper and trousers is fine…but if you wanted to wear that blue button-down you bought last week, I wouldn’t complain. Brings out your eyes.”
Sebastian pokes his head out, grinning from a face full of shaving cream. “My eyes. So it has NOTHING to do with the fact that you like the way my arms look. Or my chest.”
“Nope, just your eyes.” Eggsy’s eyes wander down Sebastian’s bare chest to where the towel is just hanging at his waist. “Just your…eyes.”
“Bollocks,” Seb says, chuckling as he goes back to the sink and the mirror.
He’s swiping the razor across his jaw when he hears “Jesus FUCKING Christ, Seb!”
“I’m shaving, Eggsy, would you not yell like that?” Sebastian snaps. He drops the razor and steps back into the bedroom. “What?”
“Why? WHY did you move the hamper?” Eggsy glares at the pile of his clothing on the floor. “I threw all of this and it ended up on the floor.”
“Because this way it’s closer to the bath, it’s closer to the door, and it makes it easier to take the wash down.”
Eggsy snaps up his dirty clothes and walks them across the room. “The hamper was perfectly fine over there.” He chucks everything into the hamper. “You didn’t think to ask?”
“If I could move the hamper? No, Eggsy, I didn’t.” Sebastian sighs. He’s been waiting for this moment and is surprised it’s taken this long. “You’ve been unhappy since I moved in.”
“That isn’t true.”
“You’re right. It’s not. You’ve been happy I moved in…but I’m not allowed to carve myself a space.”
“What are you talking about?” Eggsy yanks his sock drawer open and ruffles through it.
“I can take up space, but I can’t make my own. I use the kitchen table for work, you get irritated. I move your mugs, you get irritated. I move the goddamn knives, you get irritated.”
“I never said…”
“You don’t HAVE to.” Sebastian huffs a sigh and tries to keep his temper. “This has been your flat for a very long time. I get that. You have a system. Nothing you’ve bothered explaining to me, but you have a system. And I’ve come along to change all that. But instead of making me feel welcomed into your flat, you’ve simply told me to fit myself in.”
“I didn’t make you feel welcome?” Eggsy asks incredulously.
“Fucking me the moment the last box came into the flat isn’t quite the same thing,” Sebastian snarls, and immediately regrets it. “I won’t move anything else, all right? Not without a signed edict from the king.” He goes back into the bath to finish shaving.
“Oh, that’s mature.” Eggsy comes to lean in the doorway wearing his pants, his socks, and a vest. “Don’t say you understand, because you don’t.”
Sebastian meets Eggsy’s gaze in the mirror as he starts shaving again. “So explain it to me.”
Eggsy stares at him for a long moment. “I don’t want to fight.”
“Neither do I.” And Sebastian means it. He wants this to work. He loves Eggsy more than he’s ever loved anyone. He loves waking up next to him, loves seeing their coats hanging together, their trainers side-by-side in the closet.
“Especially since we’re due to meet Harry and Merlin in about twenty-five minutes.”
“Right. Because we wouldn’t want anyone to think we actually fight,” Seb mutters. “Don’t worry. I will play the part of the perfect boyfriend. I won’t embarrass you in front of your dads.” He continues shaving and meets Eggsy’s gaze again. “Better get a move on.”
“Shall we return to ours for a nightcap?” Merlin asks as Harry snatches the check out of Eggsy’s hand.
“Harry, c’mon.”
“Indeed not, my dear boy. You are permitted to pay on our anniversary and our birthdays. That is it.” Harry glares at him as he slides his credit card into the folder and hands it to the waiter.
“That’s kind of you to ask us, Hamish, but I…” Sebastian begins hesitantly, glancing over at Eggsy.
Eggsy sighs. Dinner has been a wretched affair with Harry and Merlin forced to carry the conversation since Seb sat staring silently at his plate, and Eggsy was unsure where to even begin. Eggsy knows Seb’s waiting for him to make the decision regarding after-dinner drinks, and he finally says, “It’s up to you, Sebastian. Whatever you want.”
Sebastian actually snorts, but before he can reply, Harry says, “Yet again, I insist. You will come for drinks. Why bring this lovely evening to an end?”
It’s Eggsy’s turn to snort.
As soon as they reach Merlin and Harry’s home Merlin guides Sebastian into the kitchen while Harry steals Eggsy away to the study. “Did you need something in here, Hamish?” Sebastian asks politely. “Something I can help you with?”
“Yes. Ye can explain what’s going on between you and my lad.” Merlin leans against the counter, tall and formidable.
“Nothing’s going on,” Sebastian says immediately. “We’re fine.”
“Would ye like to try that again?”
Sebastian thinks for a moment. “We’re still learning our way around each other as roommates.” That sounds good.
“Roommates?” Okay, maybe it doesn’t sound good. “Ye are supposed to be enjoying the proximity to one another, not learning your way around. How long has it been?”
“Two months.”
“What have ye done?”
“What?” Sebastian gapes at him.
“Obviously ye have done something to send Eggsy into this strop. Not that ye did anything wrong, but I’m quite…observant,” Merlin says oddly. “He looks frustrated. Ye look weary. And worried.”
“I’m not sure what I’ve done, Hamish.” Sebastian sighs. “He told me to move in, to put my things wherever I needed to. And I did. But I moved some things…nothing important. Or so I thought. Coffee mugs. Knives. The hamper.”
“And he threw a tantrum.” Seb nods and Merlin shocks him by chuckling. “Oh, he is more like Harry than even I thought. When Harry and I finally moved in together, ye would have thought it was a match striking dynamite. Nothing I did was right. Every place I tried to touch or change or move was wrong.” Merlin shakes his head.
“What did you do?”
Merlin sighs heavily. “Unfortunately, lad, part of this involves things I cannae tell you.”
“Work,” Seb whispers.
“Aye. Work. Let’s just say it’s a…control issue. Eggsy comes home and needs to be able to control things. Just for a wee moment until he’s back in his head again. He cannae control you, of course, and would never want to. But he can control his environment. His home. At least that’s what happened with Harry.”
“But what do I do?” Seb asks unhappily.
“Dinnae let him control you, first of all. He might do it by accident, and that isn’t right. Give him space, perhaps ask permission before moving something again? Even something as simple as a hamper. He will unconsciously learn to accept your place in his world, and it will stop.”
“I hope so. Because I love being with him all the time, Hamish.”
“Ye are good for him, lad. Never think any different.”
“So tell me, Eggsy…why are you so angry?” Harry pours a drink and hands it to Eggsy.
“I’m not angry.”
“I must call bullshit on that,” Harry says congenially. “You forget how long I’ve known you.” Eggsy takes the glass. “Did you and Sebastian have a fight?”
“Yes. No. I’m not sure.” Eggsy downs the contents of the glass. “He’s been in the flat for a few months now, and I love having him. But he’s…making changes. He’s moving things, switching things around. Kitchen utensils. The bloody bedroom hamper. Things that are perfectly fine the way they are.”
Harry’s beautiful smile flashes out. “You do realize how childish you sound, correct?”
“I do,” Eggsy groans, flopping onto the sofa. “I really do. But it…God, it irritates me! He doesn’t even ask, he just…moves things.”
“Why did he move the hamper?”
“To make it easier to reach from the bath…and easier to take out the door and down to the laundry,” Eggsy mutters.
“Oh, the humanity,” Harry says dryly. Eggsy glares at him. “Let him in, Eggsy.”
“I HAVE let him in. He got the best side of the closet!”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it. Let him in,” Harry says gently. “These few changes…they don’t change EVERYTHING. It’s still home.”
“I know. And home is better because he’s in it.” Eggsy palms his eyes. “Fuck, I don’t know why I’m being such a twat about this.”
“I do. And you do, too, if you think about it.”
“I can’t explain it without telling him everything.”
“You’re an intelligent man, and he deserves an explanation. Try.”
“Yes, Harry,” Eggsy says with a sigh. He wants to make this work. He doesn’t want to see that hurt in Seb’s eyes and know he put it there.
The cab ride home is silent. Eggsy stares out the window but he at least puts his hand on Sebastian’s knee. Seb unlocks the front door and takes Eggsy’s jacket just like always, and Eggsy makes sure to lock things up, just like always. Sebastian slowly plods up the stairs, unbuttoning his shirt as he goes. He’s managed to keep himself clean at dinner and finds a hanger for the shirt as soon as he enters the bedroom.
“I had very little control over things when I was younger.” Eggsy’s voice is small and Seb freezes. He then quickly shoves the shirt into the closet and turns around to face his boyfriend. Eggsy closes the bedroom door and leans against it. “By the time I was old enough to have an opinion and spread my wings, my stepdad was there to destroy them, yanking them out feather by feather. His world. His rules.” Eggsy runs a hand through his hair. “I told you when we met that I would come home from work trips and stay at a hotel for a few days to decompress…to shed the work and become me again.”
Sebastian nods. “You don’t do that anymore.”
“That’s right…because I have you now to help bring me back to myself.” Eggsy draws a ragged breath. “I think…I think the reason I’ve been such an arsehole about you making changes…I think it’s the same kind of thing. I have to become someone else for work, and it makes it easier for me to come back and be Eggsy again if I’m coming back to something familiar. My house. My things, just where I left them.”
“Eggsy, I’m so fucking sorry,” Seb whispers, feeling absolutely horrible.
“No, Seb, don’t apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong. I told you to make yourself at home here, to find a place for you and your things. You’ve done just that. It’s not…it’s not your fault that I’m a fucking mess.” Eggsy stares at his hands. “I warned you about the things that might happen to me when I’m away for work. I guess I never thought about what might happen to me at home.”
Sebastian goes to sit next to him. “I won’t move anything again without asking.” Eggsy opens his mouth. “No. Don’t. I mean it. I will double-check with you. Not for permission, but to make sure you’re aware. That way you can file it away somewhere for future reference. You’ll know that we discussed it and it isn’t something new whenever you get back home.” He gently touches Eggsy’s cheek. “I only want to make you happy.”
“You do, babe. So damn much.” Eggsy turns his head and kisses Sebastian’s palm.
“I want to take care of you.” Sebastian’s avoided saying the words, but it’s been on his mind quite often. “I want to keep you safe. Maybe not physically.” He gently taps Eggsy’s forehead before leaning his forehead to Eggsy’s. “But up here.”
“You do.” Eggsy cradles Seb’s face in his hands and kisses him, a long tender kiss that leaves Sebastian gasping for breath. “You do. You keep me safe, you keep me sane.” He shuffles back onto the bed, pulling Sebastian with him. “I love you.”
“I love you.”
Sebastian’s awakened the next morning by angry cursing from the closet. “Where the fuck is my dressing gown?”
“I didn’t move it,” Seb says sleepily. “Check the back of the door.”
“Sebastian, I know full well that…” Eggsy lets out an exasperated sigh and Seb grins without opening his eyes. “That’s right. Forgot I put it there.”
“Memory loss…first sign of old age,” Seb mumbles into his pillow.
The slap to his arse gets him fully awake.