Chapter Text
It was hard at first. Of course it was. All of it.
Not only was she dealing with the grief that came with losing the person that she loved and adored more than anyone in this world, but it felt almost as if people couldn't stop bringing it up around her. They didn't care if it was a sensitive topic, it seemed.
"Ally, How soon do you think you're going to get married again?"
"Is it true that you and your manager have a thing going on?"
"Will you be selling Jackson's possessions?"
It was typical media, she supposed. But it didn't make it any easier to deal with. She never answered them, just walked by, but they never stopped persisting. The rumors never stopped. The harassment.
She began to isolate herself. She told Rez that she wouldn't be able to tour for awhile, an argument ensued, but he decided to let her be for awhile.
She would sit inside her house, alone, not speaking to anybody, wishing that Jackson was there. She would pull out the pages of songs he wrote, reading them and running her hands over the handwriting. She sometimes felt like he was there, sitting at the piano, watching over her. At least, that was what he had wished.
Everything around was a reminder of him. She couldn't bring herself to get rid of any of his stuff. It wasn't healthy, she knew that, but she couldn't imagine herself functioning in any other way.
She knew that it wasn't her fault, but she wished that there was SOMETHING that she could have done. She should've known from how he was acting earlier that night. She should've known that something like this would've happened.
Ramon stayed with her for a bit, but even that couldn't help distract her mind. Jackson Maine was everywhere she looked, he was always on her mind.
"I miss you." She whispered, trying to convince herself that he could somehow hear her, and that he was somehow here with her.
She just wished that she could've said goodbye.
XX
Denial lasts a while. Ally was starting to learn that. She just couldn't accept that her husband was actually GONE. That he would never be back.
There were times that she swore that she saw him. That she heard him. But she knew that it was all in her mind.
Jackson Maine was dead. She was never going to hear his voice again, never get his little reassurances whispered in her ear, would never hear him tell her how beautiful she looked.
She was never going to hear him sing again, she was never going to be able to hear the beautiful way that he strung words together ever again.
She would sit for hours staring at the wall, her mind replaying all of the memories with Jackson in her head. It was painful, and she had to try and find another way to distract herself. Just not yet.
XX
Charlie seemed to be taking things just as hard as she was.
The dog was always a sweetheart, but he was especially sweet in a time like this.
She wondered if he knew exactly what was going on. She knew that he knew that Jackson wasn't around, but she wondered if he could tell from her hurt what had actually happened to him.
"You miss daddy, don't you? So do I." She sniffled, pulling him in close. Even the dog reminded her of Jack. The way he would play outside with him, the way he held him in his arms, it was all almost too much.
Suddenly, Charlie shot up from where he was sitting, and ran towards the piano.
Ally followed, not sure what the reasoning was behind this sudden outburst.
The dog was jumping around the piano, sniffing and occasionally barking.
"What is it?" She asked, confused as all hell. In response, Charlie just turned to her and barked again.
All of a sudden, all of the papers on the stand flew off, as if on cue. Was this supposed to be a sign?
She stared at it for a few seconds, then looked back down at Charlie.
Maybe she and the dog were on the same page after all.
XX
It was time. She knew it.
She had called over Ramon, for emotional support, and also to make sure that she didn't back out.
"I just... I don't feel right packing up all of his things. I can't get rid of them just yet, but putting them away will help, I guess..."
Her friend pulled her in for a hug. "Babygirl, it'll be okay. I'm here to help you. If you need to take a few minutes, just let me know. It's good that you're doing this. It's a step in the right direction."
She hugged back, feeling the need to cry yet again. "I just... I just miss him so much. Not a day has gone by where I haven't."
"I know, I know. He wouldn't want you to be upset, though. He would want you to be happy. He loved you."
"Why didn't he leave me a note? Why didn't he even give any reason why?"
"We'll never know what was going on in his head in that moment. I know you wish that you did. But there's nothing you can do. I wish that this didn't have to happen, either. But don't blame yourself."
"It's just... so hard." She cried out, beginning to sob silently, her entire body shaking violently.
She cried for a few minutes, and as she did she wondered: do people ever run out of tears? Everyday, she cried until her body ached, until her eyes were burning and sore. She felt as if all she did was cry.
As she put all of Jackson's things in boxes, she had to fight off the guilt that was threatening to succumb her. This had to be done. She couldn't live like this anymore, setting herself up for misery each day.
"I'm sorry." She said out loud as everything was finished. The house looked so empty, so lifeless. But then again, it felt the same way without Jackson.
She whispered one last final "Goodbye." in the air, what she had wished she could've at least had the chance to say before.
And oh god, did it hurt.