Work Text:
Owning Josh
by: Ygrawn
Character(s): Josh, Donna, Amy
Pairing(s): Josh/Amy, Josh/Donna
Category(s): Romance, Drama
Rating: No idea. Let’s say R for some language and sexual references.
Summary: Amy realized that it wasn’t really the phone that owned him. It was Donna.
Author's Note: Written at some point during Season Three, so it’s *way* outdated now.
It was that night she realized.
Amy always knew that Josh’s phone would take him away from her. She was a political operative, knew how it worked, expected nothing less of him. His dedication to his job was very sexy. She knew that Josh’s love was his work; he fought for it; devoted himself to it; had sacrificed a normal life for it; lived and breathed for it, and had very nearly died for it.
So, she knew about the phone rules from the beginning, and learnt to cope. She knew that he was really with her when he was there, but he wouldn’t stay if the phone rang. That the phone meant Josh would go without stopping for two hundred dollars and he wouldn’t apologize for it.
And it was enough for her. Until that night.
They were lying in bed, sweaty and slightly breathless, when Josh’s cell rang. The tinny sound cut through the silence of Amy’s spacious bedroom, startling both of them. Josh groped around on her beside table, knocking things over until he found it.
Because Amy’s head was tucked under Josh’s chin, she could hear the whole conversation. It was Sam, frighteningly chipper after fifteen hours at work. Sam, she had learnt, was always surprisingly chipper, particularly for someone who wasn’t getting any on a regular basis.
“It’s me,” Sam began. “You have to come back to the White House.”
“Now?” Josh asked in that oblique way of his.
Josh heard everything the first time and understood it straightaway. He never asked you to repeat something because he didn’t understand you. His repetition was a political device; always answer with a question and return the information without giving your opponent anything new.
“No, sometime next week,” Sam sarcastically replied, obviously harried. “O’Grady just tendered his resignation.”
“What?” Josh stirred, his mind already turning over ideas, thinking of consequences. “Senator O’Grady or Secretary O’Grady?”
“Secretary O’Grady. Apparently, the Post is going to break a story tomorrow about him taking bribes from…somebody. Some union group or something, paid him off to turn a blind-eye to them breaking regulations. You know, the kind of thing the Secretary of Labor shouldn’t do. I don’t know any of the details. CJ can’t get much out of the Post.”
“He...what?” Josh’s glance flickered down to Amy. He knew she could hear and knew that she shouldn’t be listening, and this was another indication of how much his judgment had been altered by this...thing he had with Amy.
“Yeah, so get your ass back here now.”
Amy heard that part. And even though she understood the phone rules, she let her hand trail lazily down Josh’s torso and circle twice around his bellybutton.
“I...right now?”
“Yes, Josh, right now. Unless you’ve got something better to do.” Sam paused and realized. “Oh. You’ve got something better to do.”
“No, I just...can’t you handle this? If you can’t get much information, what’s the point of me coming in? Someone needs to tell O’Grady that his resignation is premature and we’ll have some meetings tomorrow when we know what’s actually going on. At eleven-thirty at night, I can’t do much.”
Amy’s hand wandered lower and Josh fought to hear what Sam was saying.
“Josh, O’Grady is here, waiting. Everyone else has been recalled; CJ’s still trying to get information. She’ll have something in an hour and we’ll need to start spinning it straightaway.”
“I’m...then call me in an hour, okay?”
Josh pressed cancel and flipped Amy onto her back.
She understood the phone rules.
She didn’t have to obey them.
********
But seven and a half minutes later, she realized.
Because Josh’s cell phone began to ring again.
Josh’s very talented mouth was pressed wetly against her hip, and she was remembering how much he had to be arrogant about.
When he heard the ring, his whole body stilled, and she could see him fighting it. He knew he had to answer it, but he didn’t want to. Amy didn’t move, knowing that she couldn’t sway him this time.
It took him until the eighth ring, but his mouth pulled away from her skin. With a stifled sigh, Josh sat up and grabbed the phone.
“Sam, I’m kind of in the middle of something here.”
“Please don’t elaborate,” said Donna in a revolted tone.
Josh’s expression altered. Amy saw it, and knew immediately who was on the other end. His face always did something – contorted in some way she couldn’t name – when his assistant was on the other end of the phone.
“Donna,” Josh said, confirming Amy’s suspicion.
“You need to come into the office right now, no stopping at go, no collecting two hundred dollars, unless you’re going to give it to me. Sam told me to tell you that it’s non-negotiable.”
“Sam already told me himself,” Josh said.
“And yet, you don’t seem to be coming in,” Donna hedged, knowing where he was, and what he’d been in the middle of. “It’s urgent, Josh. You know we wouldn’t call you otherwise.”
“Do you know about it?”
Donna paused. “Yeah. O’Grady showed up here.”
“At the White House?”
“He showed up in our bullpen about thirty minutes ago. He was rambling, and walking into the furniture. He’s obviously been drinking for most of the day.”
“Are you alright?” Concern had crept into Josh’s voice; his mouth was twisted with worry. They were such tiny things; barely perceptible.
“I’m fine,” Donna said, slightly amused. “I have first-hand experience with drunken politicians.”
“That would be funny, except that it’s not.”
“When I told the Secretary you weren’t here, he attempted to tender his resignation to me, and started talking about the story in tomorrow’s Post. I got Toby over here.”
“Why not Leo?” Josh realized the answer to his own question a second later. “Oh. That was good thinking.”
“Yes, it was.”
“So, what’s happening now?”
“Toby’s taken him down to the Mess to get him sobered up. He’s unimpressed with the task, but we’re not letting O’Grady anywhere near Leo or the President in the state he’s in. CJ’s chasing the story, and Sam and Toby want you to come back now.”
Josh caught Amy’s eye, looked at the way the sheet was falling down her body and the way the light was falling across her curves and planes. “Well, I’m...”
“Joshua,” Donna interrupted. “Fifteen minutes.”
“Okay,” Josh replied. “Can you...”
“I will not have coffee ready for you.”
“Donnatella!”
“Bringing my full name will not alter my policy on bringing you coffee, Joshua.”
“I’d bring you two hundred dollars if you brought me coffee.”
“Fourteen minutes.”
“But you just said...”
“Bye,” Donna rang off.
Josh smiled at the phone, and then looked up at Amy ruefully. “Amy, I have to...”
“I know,” Amy interjected, putting a finger over his mouth and tracing his lips. “Go on.”
He held her gaze, before climbing out of bed and collecting his scattered clothing.
She lay back and closed her eyes.
And Amy realized, as Josh disappeared into the bathroom, that it wasn’t really the phone that owned him.
It was Donna.
********
The next morning, while she sat in her office and listened to her assistant reel off her appointments, Amy decided to visit the White House during her lunch break.
Josh hadn’t called yet, but that wasn’t surprising. He’d probably been snowed under all night and morning with this O’Grady thing, and fighting fatigue as well.
Two hours later, as she entered the West Wing through the lobby, she got the same feeling she always did: awe, pride and foreboding. It was a beautiful building, but deliberately intimidating, and its occupants barely seemed to notice. They raced through its corridors barely stopping to look at the art and the history that surrounded them.
Amy wandered through the Communications Bullpen, and saw Toby, CJ and Sam in Toby’s office. The door was closed. Toby and CJ seemed to be arguing, and Sam was trying to interject, trying to play the peacemaker.
When Toby and CJ weren’t arguing they were flirting, and she wondered if everybody else had noticed it. When Sam wasn’t playing the peacemaker he was being the most aggressive of all of them, and she wondered if everybody else had noticed that.
Sam, she had realized, was half in love with Josh, in a way that was and wasn’t romantic at the same time. Amy knew nobody had noticed that.
As she approached it, Amy saw that Josh’s bullpen was psychotically busy. It always was, but the pace hadn’t ceased to frighten her. She thought her workplace was busy, but it was nothing compared to this chaos. All of the White House was busy, but Josh’s area in particular matched the frenzied intensity of the Deputy Chief.
Just watching it made her feel dizzy and she couldn’t understand how Donna controlled it so effortlessly.
But there was the blonde, talking on the phone, typing something, and watching C-SPAN on one of the monitors, all at the same time. She finished on the phone, flicked the channel to the White House closed circuit, and moved over to the printer. She stopped one of the assistant deputies – Amy couldn’t remember his name – and told him something.
She still hadn’t worked out Donna’s position of power.
The assistant deputy nodded and said something that made Donna laugh.
She knew that Donna was the only person who could say “Joshua” and make him be somewhere in fourteen minutes.
The printer obviously wasn’t working, because Donna slammed it with the heel of her hand.
She knew that Donna was the only person who could refuse to bring him coffee and make it seem perfectly reasonable.
Donna slammed the printer again. She must have hurt herself, because she hissed and swore. After a moment, she called out, “I’m fine.”
She knew Donna was the only person Josh would stop working for, just to ask if she was okay.
A final smack with the uninjured hand made the printer whir to life, and it spewed forth pages hurriedly.
Amy wasn’t entirely certain why she was standing silently and watching, but she hugged back against the wall.
“Josh!” Donna called.
“What?” his voice returned, rather muffled.
“Get your ass out here.”
Josh appeared in his doorway, a pissed look on his face. “Yeah, what?”
“Lunch. Go. Now.” Donna didn’t look up from the printer as she spoke. Josh made a face. “And don’t make that face at me.”
“How do you do that?”
“Four years with you Josh, with more hours per day then I like to think about. You think I don’t know when you’re making faces at me?”
“Point.” Josh stepped up the printer, staring intently at Donna with beseeching eyes. “Is your hand really okay?”
“Yes,” Donna said exasperatedly. “It’ll be fine.”
“So it’s not fine now? Because you just said...”
“Shut up and go to lunch.”
“Can’t you just run down and get me something?”
Donna finally looked up, Josh’s soft brown eyes inches from hers. She didn’t start, though – she just stared back. “No. I can’t. You need to take a break, and physically get out of the office before you drive me and the rest of your put-upon staff insane. So, go.”
“Toby, CJ and Sam are still hashing out the response to the Post article. I have no-one to go to down the Mess with.”
“Josh, you’re the third most powerful man in the White House, and you’re responsible for over 1100 staff. You think you can’t find any kids to sit with in the cafeteria?”
“No, I can’t. And you’re mean.”
“My heart goes out to you,” she deadpanned.
“You come with me.”
Donna shook her head and returned to her desk. “You just called me mean. I’m not inclined to have lunch with you.”
“Please.”
“I have work to do.”
“Well, so do I, but I’m being forced to go to lunch by my slave-driving assistant. And you haven’t been on a break all day, either.”
“Yes, but I don’t go crazy if I don’t take a break.” Josh just looked at her. “I don’t!” He continued to stare. “Okay, there was that one time, but my blood sugar was low, and you were being really annoying that day, Josh.”
Josh shrugged. “Grab your purse, or jacket, or whatever, Donnatella. I’m taking you to lunch.”
Donna stilled. “No, you’re not.”
“As your boss, I order you to come to lunch with me.”
“I’ll come to lunch with you,” Donna replied, “But you’re not taking me to lunch.”
“It’s the same thing. We go, we eat, we fight. If we’re at a restaurant, you cajole me into paying. We come back. We fight some more.”
“It’s not the same thing Josh, and you know it.” The blonde looked up at him, their gazes locking. “You know it.”
He nodded curtly. “Then you can come to lunch with me.”
Donna nodded. “Sure.”
Amy watched them walk down the hall, and after a few minutes, followed.
She knew Donna was the only person who could order Josh to lunch.
********
They were sitting in a corner, arguing animatedly.
Amy approached their table confidently.
“Hey, J,” she greeted. “How you doing?”
He turned to look up at her, surprise flooding his face. “Amy.” He reached up and gave her a lingering kiss. “I’m good. You?”
“Good. Hi, Donna.”
The blonde smiled. “Hi, Amy. I’m just heading back to the office, so I’ll...” she half-stood, and started to gather her things together.
“Amy can grab another chair,” Josh interjected reasonably. “Besides, we haven’t swapped yet.”
Donna sat down. “Point.”
“Food can keep you anywhere,” Josh commented. “Remember that lobster in New York? I wanted to go back to the hotel, but you wanted to stay for the lobster.”
“Yes, Josh. You’ve mentioned that one or two hundred times.”
He continued on. “And then what happened, all because you wanted to stay?”
His assistant shuddered. “Please don’t remind me.”
“I think I will. If only to remind you that I have an uncanny sense of presentiment, Donna, that should not be ignored or mocked by women whilst perusing their menus.”
“You ate the damn lobster, Josh. All of it. Where was your uncanny sense of presentiment then?”
Amy grabbed a chair from the table next door and sat down. “What was wrong with the lobster?”
“It was off. And evil. Donna and I spent the next twenty-four hours feeling the pain. And we were flying back on Air Force One that afternoon.”
Donna looked green. “Please, don’t remind me. The President was merciless. Every time we raced for the bathroom he cackled with glee.”
“And derision. Let us not forget the derision.”
“This was a fundraiser, was it?” Amy clarified.
Josh shook his head. “The President was making a speech. We went out for dinner on Fifth Avenue. And became very good friends with the Air Force One bathroom.” He swallowed a mouthful of pasta. “Okay, I’m ready.”
Josh handed Donna his plate, as she slid hers across the table. They both resumed eating.
“This is nice pasta,” Donna commented.
“What was that?” Amy asked, eyebrows arched.
Josh half-smiled. “Everybody makes that face. We sometimes swap meals halfway through.”
“Let me qualify that,” Donna interrupted. “When Josh can’t make up his mind, he makes me order the other thing he wants, and then forces me to swap.”
Josh turned to Amy. “How did that big meeting go this morning? The one with...um...uh...the person you told me about last night.”
“It went fine,” Amy replied with amusement. “How’s your morning been?”
Josh’s eyes narrowed and his gaze swung to his assistant. “Fine, except that somebody didn’t tell me the whole story about last night.”
Donna sighed. “We’re not doing this again.”
“It was two in the morning when we last did it, and I wasn’t exactly at my best.”
The blonde grinned. “Josh, you asked me to go downstairs and get Lionel Tribbey to sue O’Grady’s ass.”
“You should,” Josh retorted.
“Yes, except that Lionel Tribbey left a year ago.”
“Like I said, I wasn’t at my best. I just can’t see why you didn’t tell me.”
Donna sighed again. “It wasn’t important.”
“I disagree. Of course it’s important. I like to know when the Secretary of Labor hits on my assistant.”
“You think he’s the first Secretary to hit on me, Josh?”
Josh’s horrified expression was actually comical. “There were others you haven’t told me about?”
Donna turned to Amy and smiled. “So, Josh tells me you played the clarinet in high school. I played the flute.”
“Don’t change the subject,” Josh said, before Amy could reply to Donna.
“The flute’s a very beautiful instrument,” Amy said. “Do you still play?”
Donna shook her head ruefully. “I don’t have the time anymore. And I’ve forgotten so much. You?”
“Same problem,” Amy commiserated. “Did you know that Jane Rutter is playing in a few weeks at the Kennedy Center?”
Donna’s eyes lit up. “Really?”
“You’re changing the subject again,” Josh protested futilely. “What others? Who do I need to call and threaten?”
“Nobody, Dad,” Donna shot at Josh with some annoyance. “I’d love to get tickets, but I probably couldn’t get the night off work.”
“I could get us tickets,” Amy offered. “I wouldn’t have any problems.”
“That...that would be fantastic.” Donna smiled. “Thanks.”
“We’ll make a night of it. You can tell me embarrassing stories about Josh.”
“Oh, I’m there.”
“And I can probably get your boss to give you the night off.”
Josh spluttered. “The hell? Donna, who’s been hitting on you? And I am not giving you the night off.”
“You don’t know what night it is,” Amy countered.
“She can’t have any nights off.”
“She’ll be taking some meetings with me. The Women’s Leadership needs to liaise with your department.”
Josh, realizing he was defeated with Amy, turned back to Donna. “Who’s been hitting on you, Donnatella?”
Donna arched an eyebrow and gave Josh a cool look. “Many men, Joshua.Too many to count. I’m an extremely attractive, intelligent, amusing, and interesting woman.”
“Yeah, Josh,” Amy agreed. “A man would have to be insane if he didn’t hit on Donna.”
Amy didn’t miss the strange look that passed over Josh’s face.
********
“You look nice.”
Donna jumped at Josh’s voice. She spun to face him. “You scared me.”
He was leaning against the doorframe of his office with that casual, unaffected manner that Josh had perfected. He was rumpled. “I said you look nice.”
“I heard you. You scared me, is all.” Donna turned back to her computer, pulling up the print window and clicking the OK button.
“I haven’t seen that dress before.”
Donna walked over to the printer. “That’s because it’s new.”
“Tags still attached?”
Donna gave him a scathing look. Then said, “Yes.”
“Well, I like it.”
She threw him an amused look. “I think we’ve established that.”
“It’s...there’s a good amount of material. Covers your back.”
Donna’s smile grew wider, as if she knew a secret he didn’t. “You’re an idiot.”
“Yes, he is,” CJ agreed, rounding the corner.
“You have no idea what she said,” Josh protested.
“I don’t need to know. You’re still an idiot.” CJ looked at Donna. “That’s a very nice dress.”
“Thanks.”
“Where you going?”
“To see Jane Rutter with Amy,” Donna replied. She frowned at the printer. “Damn thing.” She smacked the side of with the heel of her hand. “Ow!”
Josh walked to her side. “You keep smacking it and then getting hurt. Don’t you think it’s time you changed your modus operandi with the printer?”
“No. The smacking always works. It just hurts.”
He rolled her eyes and pulled her hand between both of his. “Haven’t you called someone to come and repair the connection?” As he spoke he gently rubbed the heel of her hand with his fingers.
“Yes,” Donna replied, hoping that her voice was even. “The guy came and said there was nothing wrong with it that he could see. I told him he was obviously blind and incompetent. The guy got huffy and left. I’ve been working with you too long.”
“Huffy?” Josh smiled. “You’re a cute thing, Donna.”
“The original meaning of cute is someone who is ugly but intelligent.”
“Definitely cute then.”
CJ smacked Josh upside the head.
Josh sighed. “Okay. I deserved that.”
“Yes, you did.”
“My...my hand is okay now,” Donna said, reluctantly pulling it away. “Thanks.”
Josh wasn’t listening, though. He was frowning. “Huh. I didn’t see that side of the dress.”
“Oh, for God’s sake.” Donna collected her printed document and walked into Josh’s office. “You are not my father.”
“No. I’m not.” Josh’s tone had something behind it. Something Donna didn’t want to look for. “That...split, up the leg, thing...there...it’s...and what’s with the one-shoulder thing anyway? It looks like you couldn’t afford to buy the whole dress.”
“I couldn’t. You don’t pay me enough.” She put the document in Josh’s in-tray and walked back around him to the bullpen.
“Hey Donna,” Amy said.
“Hi. You look great!”
“Thanks.” Amy did a twirl in her deep purple dress. The skirt flared out, and the colour twisted and moved under the lights. “You’re looking lovely yourself.”
“Thank you. I just have to drop something off at Leo’s office and we can go.”
“Will you wear a coat?” Josh asked. He was back at Donna’s hip, staring intently at her.
“Why would she wear a coat?” Amy asked. “That dress is divine and should be viewed by everybody.”
“No, it really shouldn’t.”
“We’re going to a Jane Rutter concert, not a club,” Donna rolled her eyes.
“But we might go a club,” Amy countered. “Afterwards.”
Donna played along. “That’d be fun. We could go club-hopping.”
“Ooh, I like that idea.”
“You two are going to kill me,” Josh moaned. “Mostly Donna, but I’m going to early grave because of the two of you.”
“It’s a talent,” his assistant rejoined. “We shouldn’t squander it on the unworthy. Goodbye, Joshua.”
“Goodbye Donnatella. Have a good evening.”
****
They covered the silence of the cab-ride by discussing the Secretary, who’d announced his resignation with much regret that afternoon. CJ and Toby were controlling the story pretty well – they’d managed to distance the President from the whole thing.
They speculated about who would replace him – Cabinet vacancies were unusual midway through a term, and because it was close to the election, the appointment was going to be important.
Donna wasn’t as free with Amy as she would have been with CJ, or Sam, or even Toby. But that, she thought, was probably because Amy was still an outsider. There were things you simply didn’t reveal to outsiders, and everybody at the White House subconsciously treated Amy that way. It wasn’t deliberate or cruel, but they belonged to a very exclusive club and they all valued it.
The cab driver added his two cents, and Amy remembered why she loved this town – everyone from the florist to the high school janitors knew politics. Breathed it and ate it and rolled their eyes about it.
By the time they arrived, there were five minutes until the start of the concert, so then there was no need to fill the silence then.
During the interval they looked around at the familiar faces and swapped stories. Amy knew lots of gossip, and Donna knew lots of inside information about who was doing what to whom, and they giggled together in one of the corners, until the lights flashed and the bells sounded.
The second half the concert was truly magnificent, and in the last, soaring aria, they both closed their eyes. The others loved music, but only the President matched Donna in intensity. It was nice to find a kindred spirit in Amy, especially considering that Josh pretended to know the difference between Schubert, Tchaikovsky and Elgar, but really had no idea. He thought the Brandenburgs were only a place, and didn’t understand why Britten sounded so strange.
When the concert finished, they giddily made their way through the hot crush of people in the lobby and waited in line to collect their coats from the cloakroom. It was fairly mild outside, and they stood in front of the auditorium, finally feeling awkward.
“Do you want to get a drink?” Amy asked, in that disconcerting tone of hers. It was flat – as if it wasn’t really a question. Or, as if she already knew the answer and she was beating you to it.
“Yes,” Donna answered immediately. She’d been waiting for this part of the evening with crushing anticipation. This was the whole reason Amy had invited her out in the first place. It wasn’t like she’d invited Donna out of some desire to become best friends. There was a reason behind the evening – a conversation they were supposed to have.
There were a couple of bars a few blocks down, and they found themselves at McClintock’s, a fairly small and low-key bar. The booths were barely lit, and they grabbed one in the corner.
Donna ordered a whiskey sour, and Amy ordered a martini.
“So,” Amy said after a moment, “Do you want to make some catty remarks, claw each others’ eyes out and be done with it?”
Donna smiled. “Wouldn’t Josh just love that?”
“So, no denial?”
The blonde thought for a moment. “No.”
“I’m not worried that you’ll steal him,” Amy said in a low voice. “I mean... I’m not here to tell you to stop putting the moves on my man.” She laughed. “That sounds so ridiculous.”
“I’m not...I don’t...”
“That’s just it,” Amy interrupted. “I know you don’t. You wouldn’t do that. You’re very honest. Very upright and all those other qualities that don’t belong in politics. Josh likes that about you.”
Donna wanted to repay the compliment, but she it was true. Amy did belong in politics. “He and I...it’s never going to happen.”
“You don’t know that,” Amy countered.
“Yes, I do,” Donna said. Her voice was overly-light, because this thing was too heavy to face completely. “It’s never going to happen. It’s...it’s past us now. Too far past us. We had our moment, and it passed.”
“That’s sad.” Amy made a face. “I cannot believe I just said that, but it’s sad.”
Donna shrugged. “No. We both knew – I’m his assistant, and we had these years in the White House, and the scandal would have been ridiculous. We both knew it would never happen.”
“That doesn’t make it any less sad.”
The blonde shrugged again and changed the subject. “I’m sorry about the other night...calling like that and interrupting, well...”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does.”
“Okay, it does,” Amy admitted. “It bothers me, but not because of you. It bothers me because of Josh.”
“What do you mean?”
“He comes when you call. There’s this moment, when he’s talking to you when his face softens and I know he’s going to go after you. It’s like that girl who used to go when her boyfriend whistled. Isn’t that the story? Well, you whistle and he goes. I guess...I wonder if he’d come if I whistled.”
“Of course he would. He turned his apartment into Tahiti for you. He felt bad about letting you down. He doesn’t want to mess things up. Plus, he gets crabby when you fight.”
“I bet that’s fun for you.”
Donna rolled her eyes. “You have no idea.”
Amy snorted. “No, I don’t.”
“I didn’t...I didn’t mean it like that.” Donna looked down at the scarred tabletop.
“Sure you did. You and Josh share something you don’t have with other people. You protect your relationship with Josh. And he protects his relationship with you. He won’t let me in. He doesn’t talk you about to me. Not in any real way.”
“That’s because I’m not that important to Josh.”
Amy raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “Seriously? Have you met Joshua Lyman? He worries about you all the time. He worries about where you live, he doesn’t like your car because he’s worried it’ll break down, he gets mad about Cabinet members hitting on you, and he doesn’t like it when you go places alone. He feels terrible when he lets you down. He becomes impossible when you fight.”
The blonde shrugged again. It seemed to be inherent in her this evening. She wanted to shrug her shoulders and be rid of the whole thing. Her life had become this axiomatic, ridiculous farce. Because, really, what was this? A conversation that meant nothing and would go nowhere. It was so bland, now. Her whole life was so bland, now.
“He doesn’t love me,” Donna said.
Amy thought carefully. “He doesn’t love me either.”
“Yes he does. Not in a normal way. Not a picture-book way. But Josh doesn’t relate in a normal way. His relationships are weighed down by guilt, expectation.”
“Guilt?”
Donna’s brow crinkled. “He feels guilty about everything. He takes every failure upon himself. That’s about his childhood. The administration falling apart – that was his fault.”
“I hadn’t noticed that in him.”
“He hides it. He’s not a brilliant actor, but he’s not as terrible as some people think.” Donna finished her drink. “But he does love you.”
“Okay,” Amy agreed. “He loves me. He doesn’t trust me.”
Donna traced some spilled martini, refusing to look at the brunette. “No. He doesn’t.”
“He trusts you.”
“Yes. It’s not about you, though. It’s about time. I’ve known him for four years. I’ve worked with him. I’ve worked with him long enough to see him tired, depressed, angry, and upset. At his worst. I’ve seen those moments when he thought he’d failed; those moments when he triumphed. You haven’t seen all of that yet and Josh is very wary about what he lets people see.”
Amy snorted. “So I should become his personal assistant?”
Donna did look up then, eyes burning. “There might be a job opening there.”
“What?”
“I’m close to walking,” Donna said, letting out the words she’d held in for months.
Amy was stunned into silence for a full minute. “What?”
“I’m ready to walk. There’s nothing keeping me. I was prepared to put my life on hold, but now, I can’t think of any reason to stay.”
“I...is it us? Josh and I?”
“No.” Donna was genuine. “No. It’s not you. It’s him. I can’t be his fallback. I can’t be his girl Friday.”
“You’re not. You’re...his everything.”
Donna rolled her eyes. “That’s ridiculous. Maybe once, for a short period of time.But not now. Not now, when he keeps me at an arm’s length. I can handle not being with him, but I can’t handle being treated like an object. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t give and get nothing. And it’s not you. I felt like this before you arrived.”
Amy was inexplicably sad. “So you’re just going to leave?”
“Yes.”
“He won’t let you.”
“To get me to stay he would have to be honest about our relationship. He’ll have to tell me that it’s more than just an employer/employee relationship. He’s too scared to do that, so he’ll let me go.”
Amy sighed. “He’ll regret it.”
The blonde looked her straight in the eyes. “He has you. You’ll cancel all regrets. He really does love you Amy.”
“Do you believe in true love?” Amy asked.
“Yes.”
“Isn’t that funny? I don’t.”
********
Two weeks passed.
Things between the three of them sat still. When Amy visited she would stop and talk to Donna, and she could see how torn the girl was. She wondered how Josh didn’t notice. And if he did, how he could ignore the darkness in his assistant’s eyes. She realized her boyfriend was a fool.
That Friday, they had a dinner date, so she arrived at the White House at about eight o’clock, and discovered that Donna had gone home before seven o’clock, the first time Amy could remember that happening.
Josh was staring blindly out his window. He barely registered Amy’s entrance – only turned when she cleared her throat.
“Josh?”
“She’s leaving me.”
“Donna?”
“Yes.”
Amy half-smiled.“For who?”
Josh frowned. “What? No. She’s going to California. All the way across the country.To Berkley, to do her communications degree. Something like that.”
“Then she’s left her job.”
“That’s what I said.”
Amy shook her head. “No. You said that she’s leaving you.”
Josh rubbed his forehead. “Well I meant that she’s leaving her job. She’s given me six weeks notice.”
“That was decent of her.”
“No it wasn’t. She couldn’t have picked a worse time to leave.”
“The woman runs your life,” Amy countered. “There was never going to be a good time to leave.”
“I suppose.”
“Try to think how hard it is for her,” Amy continued.
He snorted, choosing anger over hurt because that was easier. It was quicker and it cut things up. “Hard for her? What about me? I’ll need at least four years to train someone up to Donna’s level.”
She leant against the doorway, wondering how far she could push this thing. “Donna was never meant to just be an assistant. She’s smarter than you are.”
“Yeah, she is.” He smiled. “You can’t tell her that, but she is.”
“She’s smarter than me.”
“I’m smarter than you,” Josh retorted.
Amy rolled her eyes. “No. You’re a moron. Donna isn’t just your assistant. She stopped being your assistant years ago. In fact, she probably stopped being your assistant ten minutes after you first met her.”
Josh smiled again. “Useful, she said. She was, you know. She is.”
Amy didn’t know what he was talking about, but she said, “Let’s go. We’ll lose our reservation if we don’t hurry.”
She didn’t say anything more, because Josh might be a moron, and Donna might be leaving, but she wasn’t going to play matchmaker.
She finally owned Josh.
********
Josh was distant for those six weeks. More distant than usual. He lost his temper over stupid things, and suddenly found eight million things for Donna to finish off before she left. He kept asking if she could push back her leaving date. He was all business with her. Everyone noticed it – everyone knew why.
Everyone pleaded with Donna to stay, offering various incentives, or going for all-out groveling, in Sam’s case. She ignored them, resolute now that she’d made her decision. Donna realized that leaving wasn’t the hardest part. It was making the decision; saying the words out loud to Josh.
She hired the new girl, Emma – she was no-nonsense, efficient, and a quick learner. She was also recently married, and Donna pretended that wasn’t a contributing factor to Emma’s employment.
Josh hated Emma – just the idea of Emma – and spent three days following Donna around and complaining about it.
At least until Donna spun around in the middle of the Communications Bullpen, and yelled, “Damn it, Josh! I’m leaving, okay?” Her voice cracked and her eyes were wet. “I’m leaving, and you’re being an asshole, and you’re going to be nice to Emma if it kills you!”
Shoving her files at her boss, Donna stalked off to take her lunch break early. Josh returned from lunch and placed a cup of coffee and a muffin on her desk without saying a word.
He stopped complaining and yelling at her after that, but he spent more time sequestered in his office.
“He’s brooding in there,” Carol said, over lunch.
Donna shrugged. “So?”
“So what’s he brooding about?” the brunette prodded.
“Who cares?” the blonde replied. But she did. She cared, and she’d never get used to not caring. It would be a little ache in her stomach, in the back of her mind, an itch she couldn’t reach. For the rest of her life. Which was such a long time, but she was so tired of this silly purgatory she was living in, so she was leaving.
But suddenly, the days starting tripping over each other, and her last day at the White House arrived. She worked at her usual pace, but the assistants took her out for morning tea and gave Donna a bottle of her favourite perfume. They cried. Donna didn’t.
CJ took her out for lunch and gave her some excellent advice, including the phone numbers of people who could help her out at Berkley. CJ didn’t cry either, but she hugged Donna hard enough to bruise her ribs.
Sam dropped by her desk and talked with her for an hour, about nothing in particular. They made plans for Sam to fly out there for a weekend. Donna called him Scarecrow, and they both welled up. He gave her a kiss that was probably longer than it should have been, and disappeared, making her promise to call.
At six o’clock, Toby wandered past, aimlessly. He turned around and passed by again. On his third circuit, Donna smiled at him. “I can see you Toby.”
“I know. I’m just...walking here.”
“Okay.”
He hovered in front of her desk. “So...if you need something. Help with an assignment...you know. Information.Things.”
Donna stood up, walked around the desk and gave Toby a smacking kiss. “I love you. Now go away, prickly man. You’re my first call on assignments. And information. And things.”
Toby fled.
At eight o’clock, she straightened her blotter and surveyed her empty desk. It seemed enormous and naked now, but the box of her belongings was pathetically small. Some photographs, stationary, a spare pair of stockings, a comb, some hairspray, and a few stickers and badges from the campaign that she’d kept. They barely marked everything she’d done here. Everything she’d contributed and changed.
“I’m sure everybody has already repeatedly asked you to stay,” said the President softly from behind her.
Donna turned. “Yes, sir.”
“I’d ask you as well, but you need to go to college. You’re possibly the smartest woman I’ve ever met. After my wife, of course. And you’re even more organized than her. I didn’t believe that was possible until I met you.”
She gave him a genuine smile. “Thank you, sir.”
The President shook his head. “Thank you, Donna.” He gestured his head to Josh’s office. “He won’t say it. He can’t. But he wants to. And he’s a fool.”
She looked at her gravely. “You’re not talking about the words ‘thank you’, are you sir?”
“No.” He kissed Donna parentally on the cheek. He was solid and reassuring and brilliant and compassionate and she would never respect another man more. “Go and be brilliant, Donna. Shine. And remember that you have family in Washington who will be pissed off if you don’t visit.”
“I will. Thank you, sir.”
The President left and Donna took a deep breath. It was her last battle, she supposed. She proceeded into Josh’s office.
********
“I’m going now,” she said, as she closed the door behind her. This was a closed-door conversation. They weren’t allowed many of them – tongues wagged – but this was the last one, so she was closing the door, rumours be damned.
“Everything’s packed?” Josh asked, not looking up from his reading.
“Yes.”
“You’ve finished your work?”
“Your schedule is organized for the next month, with a back-up schedule in case of sudden emergencies. The filing is done, your dictation is done, I’ve re-organized your office twice in the last three days, and Ginger and Carol know what’s urgent, so they’ll be able to help out for the next few days without everything going to hell. I’ve also left a colour-coded, indexed, and itemized folder full of numbers, information, emergency plans and schedules for Emma. The take-out menus are at the back of the folder. I’ve contacted everybody important, to let them know that they’ll be dealing with a new assistant when they ring you. I’ll call every morning for the next two weeks, just to make sure that things are being done. And I’ve given Emma all my numbers – including my pager – so she can reach me day and night.”
Josh looked taken aback. “Okay. That’s...okay. Day or night?”
“Yes, but if you abuse those privileges to call me over trivial matters Josh, I won’t be happy.”
“I wouldn’t do...”
“You would,” Donna interrupted. She stopped, because she didn’t want it to be like this. She softened her voice. “I’ll call you. When I get there.And after that.”
“I know.” Josh finally looked up. “I’ll hate Emma for a few months. And then I’ll be indifferent. I might end up liking her. In a couple of years.”
“I know.” Donna nodded. She suddenly wanted to do this quickly – rip the Band-Aid off. “So, I’ll see you.”
Josh nodded. “Sure. “As she made to turn, he said, “Donna?”
“Yes?” She twisted back quickly.
“What’s that band? The one with the brothers who are always fighting. I think they’re English.”
Donna frowned. “Oasis?”
“Yes. Were you the one who listened to them during the campaign?”
She shook her head. “No. One of the volunteers in Madison liked them. I think her name was Daisy. Maybe Rose. It was definitely a flower name. Lily?”
“I just...I remembered them today. There was a particular song she listened to a lot. I’m not sure why I’m thinking about them.”
“I do,” Donna half-sighed. “The song’s called Don’t Look Back in Anger.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.” She straightened some files on a visitor’s chair, hands itchy. “I don’t.”
“What?”
“There’s no anger here, Josh. I’m not angry. With anybody,” Donna explained. “I’m not leaving because I’m angry, or offended, or upset.”
We’re too far past anger, she thought. Past denial and anger and deceit. We’re even past indifference, and we’ve found our way to the end. Or I found the way and you’ve just blindly followed.
“Then why?” He asked so simply.
“I’m leaving, because, because I’m...because it’s time. For me. To do something, to move, to...” Donna trailed off.
Josh exhaled. “You should...go.”
“Yes.”
“You were...” Josh began, but he couldn’t or wouldn’t continue.
“I know,” Donna said.
“I don’t want you to hate me,” Josh said hurriedly, in a soft voice.
“I don’t.”
“You’re leaving.”
Me. You’re leaving me. He didn’t say it, but the pronoun sat there between them. She’d got the job because of him; come to White House because of him, revolved around him, given up any semblance of a life for him, and now she was leaving because of him. And they both knew it.
“I have to leave. I can’t stay.”
“There’s nothing holding you here?” he asked.
Donna looked him straight in the eye. “No. I’ll call.”
“I know. I’ll listen.”
“Good.”
“Goodbye, Donnatella Moss.”
“Goodbye, Joshua Lyman.”
And Donna walked away, taking her pathetic little box and her pathetic little broken heart with her.
********
And hour later, Josh was still sitting there, staring into space when Amy arrived, all angles and shadows. He saw her, but he didn’t say anything. He had no words for the feeling inside.
“She’s gone?” Amy asked.
“An hour ago,” he answered, closing his file. He hadn’t read a word since Donna had left anyway. Hadn’t said a word. Just stared into space, wondering what he was looking for. Why he had let Donna go, when he knew the words to make her stay. “So, dinner?”
“No.” Amy sighed, not sure why the hell she was about to do this. “Stop fucking up.”
“What?”
“You’re a fool.”
“And...I love you too,” he said sarcastically.
“Oh, give it up. You’re pathetic. Donna’s leaving because you expect her to sit around and take the crumbs you throw her. Because you’re scared, or stupid, or...something.Because you don’t want to love her. Because...oh, just because, J. And she finally snapped and left. Because she’s smarter than you, and she knew you’d never do anything.”
“That’s...ridiculous. Amy, it’s nothing like that. We’re...just...Donna’s just my assistant.”
“She was your assistant.”
“Okay, she was my assistant. There was nothing more between us. People always...how many times do I have to tell people that there was nothing between us?”
Amy shrugged. “I’m leaving. Stop being that guy who just sits there and lets people walk away from him. Get your ass out of that chair. Do what you need to do, Josh. Find a cab, a plane, run after her, make a fool out of yourself, be happy. Be the cliché, and don’t apologize for it. Okay?”
“I’m...”
“Oh, whatever.”
And she left.
********
Out on Pennsylvania, Amy stood still, and watched the pedestrians and businessmen walk past. They had places to go, and she vaguely remembered that kind of certainty. She saw the lights and the cars, but they were blurry – ill-defined.
“Ma’am...ma’am,” somebody said, from far away.
“Huh?”
It was a tall, lanky security guard. She recognized him. “Ma’am – could you move away from the gate? It’s just, you know – loiterers and all.”
“Oh. Of course.”
“Unless you’re going in to see Mr. Lyman?” He obviously recognized her as well.
Amy shook her head. “No. I’m not.”
She had no idea if Josh would go and find Donna and say all those words that needed to be said. Kiss her, because he needed to kiss her. She had no idea if Donna would have him, would trust him to know what he wanted. She had no idea if they’d have a happy ending, but she supposed she wanted it for them, even if she was bitter.
And it wasn’t because she suddenly believed in true love. She didn’t.
She’d walked into that office and seen Josh staring out the window, as if he could some he see Donna coming back to him. And she’d realized that she never could have owned Josh. Donna could have been three thousand miles across the country, married with two children, dead, famous, poor, or in a coma, and she still would have owned Josh in ways that nobody else would.
They would always look out of windows for each other.
So, Amy had been fooling herself as badly as the two of them. They were all fools, finding light only momentarily before they were swamped in darkness again. But nobody should live that foolishly. Even if it meant being alone.
Smiling at the guard, Amy walked on, joining the city traffic, until the White House was just a little speck behind her.