Chapter Text
It's funny really. After living for over two thousand years, you’d think that pain would subside, that loneliness would fade into nothingness and days would become one big indistinguishable blur. But no, being immortal isn’t enough, having magic that has become more powerful than anyone could possibly imagine is not enough, apparently what is enough, is the added ability to remember everything.
Each day that you’ve been forced to live alone, because even the few that you’ve let in can never replace the one you lost.
Remembering everything in crystal-like detail also means that the pain of loss never numbs.
That is the reality Merlin faces every time he wakes up. Though he feels weak he doesn’t move, he’s not eaten or drunk anything for days but that doesn’t matter. The physical pain means nothing, in fact that’s the only reminder he’s got that he’s alive, if this can be called living. One hundred years ago on this day, he jumped off Beachy Head, but before he could hit the ground his magic stopped him. Somehow that gave him hope that all was not lost, because why else would he be forced to live?
Even the sword forged in the dragon’s breath is no longer a match for him. He knows. He tried. He tried five days ago by driving it into his own abdomen when he couldn’t face waking up one more time. Now? Now there’s only a very faint hint of a scar left. That’s changed too. His magic has always helped him heal faster than the average man. But now, now shattered bones stitch themselves back together in minutes, severe burns vanish before his eyes. The only reason he still has any trace of where the sword impaled him is because dragon magic is still powerful, it’s just not like him.
The sword is now gone though, clearly taken back by Freya who stopped talking to him centuries ago, who is now firmly trapped in the other world.
Today is the worst day of the year, the day he relives Arthur dying more than any other time in the year. The day all his mistakes well and truly came home to roost. Arthur will rise again, that’s what he was told. And that’s what he no longer believes. Finally, at the age of two thousand and four hundred and one years old, he has given up all hope. That’s why he summoned the blade that and that is why he won’t move, won’t eat and won’t drink.
He can’t control his own death, but he can turn himself into nothing.
Meanwhile at the lake Arthur feels bright light filtering through his eyelids in what feels like the first time in centuries.
“Arthur Pendragon, it is time to wake” A soft female voice instructs
Arthur grumbles, “Where am I?”
“Open your eyes, you will know”
Arthur opens his eyes and looks around before looking back to the female spirit before him, “This place feels familiar. What happened? And who are you?”
“Who I am does not matter, but rest assure, your memories are still yours and they are still there. Now we must hurry, we don’t have much time. Arthur, it was foreseen that you would rise again when Albion needed you the most. Now, the world needs you for it is in great danger. You were meant to rise alone, but now the challenge requires your most loyal and trusted advisors if you are to succeed.”
Freya gestures behind Arthur and he turns to see Gwen, Lancelot, Leon and Gwaine.
“Gauis?” Arthur questions
“He rests peacefully, bringing him back would do more harm than good, he lived a long life and has connected with his ward.”
“Merlin? Where’s Merlin?” Gwaine demands
“She means he’s dead” Arthur argues
“But that’s impossible” Lancelot adamantly replies
The three men look back to see Freya has vanished
Merlin can feel his magic brewing. “What more can I take?” he shouts into his room, “How many more must die and how much more must I hold?” he cries with anguish, completely mistaking the feeling that is building within him.
Before he knows it, Merlin is back at the lake, the place he vowed to never visit again, though nearly 1500 years ago he cast a spell so that no matter where he was, he’d be transported back should Arthur set foot on the land again.
“It’s impossible” Merlin mutters to himself as he stumbles to his feet, weak and pushes through the bushes that have grown strong around the water.
As soon as Arthur hears rustling, he reaches for his sword to find it gone. “I hope everyone’s hand combat is still strong, we haven’t a weapon among us” he comments as he looks round.
“Worry about yourself princess” Gwaine quips back before a blinding grin spreads across his face
“Merlin” Arthur gasps
“Arthur?” Merlin questions softly, tears already falling down his cheeks. “You’re not here”
“What are you talking about? Of course I am” Arthur replies confused
“That’s what you said before, but you’re never here.” It’s then that Merlin notices the others, having been fixated on Arthur until now, “They can’t be here so you’re not here. The once and future king will rise again, not the once and future king and his band of merry men.” Merlin stomps into the water, “Why are you doing this?!” he bellows, fully of bitterness and betrayal.
“Merlin” Lancelot starts softly and approaches slowly. When he gets no response he tries again, “Emrys”. At hearing that name Merlin whips his head around and stares at his old friend. “We’re here, The Lady of the Lake said Arthur would need our assistance.”
When it’s clear Merlin is starting to take in what Lancelot said, Arthur strives forward and wraps the person he was always closest to tightly in his arms. “I’m so sorry Merlin, I never wanted to leave you, I’m here now”
The others look on as Merlin grasps onto Arthur as though he might disappear, the dark-haired man clearly only being held upright by Arthur’s strength.
After a few moments Arthur pulls back, “What the hell do you look like? You can’t have shaved for months, and your hair, who knew you had curls?”
“I like the curls” Gwen speaks up
“Oh” Merlin replies as he steps deliberately away from Arthur, before being hugged by Leon, Lancelot and finally Gwaine.
Merlin fixes a smile across his face, “Well, if you are all really here, we better get you back home then. You can’t go walking around dressed like that, form a circle.” Merlin says almost neurotically. When the group has formed a circle Merlin steps into the middle. “Now, everyone, touch me” Arthur frowns but before he can argue Merlin cuts him off, “Just do it you dollop head, the world has changed more than you can possibly imagine.” When everyone is touching Merlin, his eyes glow the most brilliant gold and within a blink they are standing in Merlin’s home.
Leon immediately backs away from Merlin, “You have magic”
“Oh yes, I forgot that you didn’t know”
“How did you not know?” Gwaine questions, “It was obvious!”
“It was?” Merlin frowns
“Well, if you’d seen magic before” Gwaine corrects himself, “But don’t worry mate, no hard feelings, I wouldn’t have told me either”
“Gwaine” Merlin starts slowly
“Seriously mate, it’s fine, and we can talk about it another time” Gwaine smiles gently, the smile he always used to comfort Merlin and it makes a knot of longing form in the blue-eyed man’s chest
“Leon, it’s fine, Merlin has done so much to protect the kingdom” Arthur tells his first knight
“Which doesn’t exist anymore Arthur” Gwen cuts in
“No, it doesn’t.” Merlin agrees solemnly. “Nothing you know exists anymore, everything has changed.”
“Apart from you” Lancelot smiles
“I’m still here, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t changed” Merlin replies in a mutter, a pang of bitterness in his voice
“Sooooo, if the kingdom doesn’t exist any more and a lot has changed, how long has it been since I, you know, succumbed to torture” Gwaine asks, purposefully taking the attention off his friend. They’ll talk later, away from everyone and all the pressure that goes with it
“As subtle as always Gwaine” Lancelot rolls his eyes
“Since Arthur died it’s been two thousand three-hundred and seventy-five years exactly” Merlin replies in a monotone voice, as if speaking a chant to himself that he’s repeated millions of times over
“And what happened to you? When did you come back?” Leon questions with a frown
“I never left” Merlin sadly replies
“What do you mean?” Gwen pushes
Merlin shrugs, “I never left this world”
“You’ve been here, alive, all this time?” Arthur asks shocked
“In the druid tongue, Emrys also means immortal” Merlin answers, “And in case any of you are wondering, yes, I’m Emrys, surprise!” he adds, slightly unhinged
“So, you can’t die?” Gwaine frowns
“I haven’t been able to yet” Merlin laughs bitterly
“What do you mean by that Merlin?” Lancelot asks softly
“You really need some new clothes” Merlin pushes on, purposefully ignoring Lancelot
“What like you’ve got? Your garments are very unusual” Leon replies
Merlin sighs, “We really need to catch you all up on things very soon, but in the meantime, wear what I give you, please.” Once again Merlin’s eyes glow and a neat pile of new clothes appear at the feet of each of his companions.
“So, that’s one thing that has changed, you can practise magic freely at last” Lancelot beams
“No, never” Merlin replies dejectedly, “Magic no longer exists”
“But you just did it” Gwen frowns
“Over the years the persecution of magical beings never stopped, it was relentless. Now there is so little magic in the world nobody believes it is real. What’s referred to as magic now is no more than trickery and party tricks.”
“I’m so sorry Merlin” Gwen replies empathetically
Merlin shrugs in response, “Get changed then” and stomps in to the small garden where he grows herbs that backs onto a wooded area
The group stands still for a moment, looking to where their friend has disappeared.
“He’s right, he has changed” Leon comments
“Wouldn’t you if you had been alone for all that time?” Lancelot questions
“I would, far more than he has. He’s still Merlin, but there’s a darkness there that there wasn’t before” Leon replies
“There was a darkness and a sadness there in the final couple of years we had together” Gwaine replies, “But this is different”
“No man should have had to bear all that Merlin did, let alone what he must have done since” Lancelot adds cryptically
Each find a space to get changed in with some privacy and then, as a group, find themselves wondering around the house.
Gwen gasps loudly as she opens a door to see a bed heavily stained in dried blood, the room strewn with clothes that must be Merlin’s; one of his t-shirts also soaked in blood on the floor.
“What the hell happened here?” Arthur demands, speaking into the room rather than to anyone
Merlin appears before them, “This does not concern you” he tells them, his voice deep with a slightly threatening edge before the door shuts fast on his companions and a thunderous storm begins to brew outside.
In the centre of town Ben looks up to the sky, “This is not good” he comments before jumping on his bike and peddling as hard as he can to the house at the edge of the woods, the last house you pass before you leave the town. It’s not long before he gets there, and he’s already soaked through.
“Professor!” Ben bangs on the door
“Professor! God dammit Merlin, let me in!” Ben tries to open the door with magic though he knows it’s no use, he’s no match for Merlin, nobody is. Then the door swings open to reveal a bearded man with long brown wavy hair. “Who are you?” Ben frowns
“I could ask you the same thing” Gwaine replies
“Where’s the Merlin?”
“Upstairs”
“Then let me see him” Ben replies as he pushes past Gwaine and races upstairs, “Professor….Merlin…it’s me”
The door opens slowly to reveal a weak looking Merlin, “Go home Ben” he begs
“Not until you at least stop this bloody storm” Ben half smiles back
“What?”
“It’s how I knew you weren’t okay, you didn’t even know you’d done it though did you? It came on so quickly it had to be you”
“Oh” Merlin replies as he heads downstairs with Ben hot on his heels. Merlin steps outside though not a single rain drop touches him. Silently, he raises his hand to the sky and immediately the storm fades and the weather returns to light fluffy white clouds that occasionally hide the sun from the Earth.
“Who are you?” Arthur questions Ben
“A friend of Merlin’s, who are you?”
“Ben” Merlin calls and the twenty-two-year-old immediately goes running. “Can you see them too?” Merlin asks, gesturing to the recently risen group with his eyes, who are all gathered in the doorway, watching him.
Ben frowns, “Yes, of course. Who are they?”
“People I never thought I’d see again” Merlin replies hauntedly, “I, I, I can’t” Merlin claps his hands above his head and transforms into a Merlin bird and flies off.
“Fuck!” Ben kicks at the ground
“What do we do now?” Gwen asks
“We have to find him, we have to get him back” Arthur strides forward
“You can’t” Ben stops him. “If Merlin doesn’t want to be found, it will be impossible for you to do so. And if you’re who I think you are, there’s no way I’m letting you go out into the world yet. Merlin would never forgive me if you left the house.”
“Then what do you suggest?” Arthur demands
“There’s only one person who’ll be able to find him, I need to make a phone call” Ben replies as he heads back into the house
“A what call?” Gwaine asks the group but they’re all equally lost so for the first time head inside and take notice of all the strange objects inside the home.