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Castiel’s phone rang.
“Yes, Sam,” he greeted Dean’s brother.
“He walked out, Cas,” Sam sounded disturbed, his voice wrecked with emotion. “Mom left and then Dean left, and I can’t find him. His phone is turned off and I’ve been to every one of Dean’s haunts in the area. Lebanon, Salina, even Lincoln. There’s not a dive bar in the wider area I’ve not seen in the past 8 hours and he’s just nowhere.”
Castiel had to catch up with the barrage of words. Sam clearly needed help finding Dean. Cas felt certain he could help with the search. “I know a few unusual places that Dean likes to go to. I can try those.” But he was worried about the snippets of information Sam had given him about what had happened. “What do you mean by your mother left?”
For a moment, Sam was quiet on the other side of the phone, ramping up Cas’s worry over the situation. “She needs to find herself, I guess. She said some rough things, Cas. Like we weren’t her sons, not the ones that she remembers. And Dean, he took it hard. He completely shut down on her, then on me. Then after she left, he disappeared completely before I could stop him.”
Cas nodded to the phone, even though he knew Sam couldn’t see him. The leaving of Dean’s mother would be one of the most painful things that Cas could imagine to happen to Dean. Cas knew, though he’d never been told straight out, that Dean had dedicated his life to his mother, raising his brother like she would’ve done if she’d still been there.
“I understand, Sam. I will find him.” He vowed he’d find Dean, more to himself than to Sam. “What should I do when I do? Bring him to the bunker?”
Sam sighed heavily. “Just make sure he’s okay, please. Getting him back here would be great, but if he doesn’t want to come home, that’s okay. I know my brother. He needs to do what he needs to do. Just stay with him, don’t let him go through this alone, Cas. And please, just please let me know if he’s okay.” Sam’s voice became more and more emotional until he ran out of words. “That’s all, I guess.”
Cas nodded even more emphatically. “I will, Sam. I hope to inform you soon that I have him and he is fine. If he is not, I will cure him.”
A shuddering nervous giggle on the other end of the line was his reward. “Can’t fix everything with Grace, Cas. Not a heartache as big as Dean’s been carrying around all his life.” Cas could hear Sam breathing in heavily. “Please take good care of him. If he needs me, then I’m there. But he walked out on me, on us. I think – I’m pretty sure he needs you, Cas.”
Cas wasn’t sure if Sam was referring to the profound bond that he and Dean had forged years ago, or the more recent sexual relationship that they’d found with each other. He had not yet talked to Sam about their relationship that had recently turned much more intimate. Now wasn’t the time to delve into it. Generally, there never was a good time to do so. He privately swore to address it later, but for now, he’d go on a manhunt for Dean. “I will do my best, Sam.”
Sam hung up the phone, and Cas was certain, Sam wouldn’t have any sleep until Dean was found. It was nearing midnight, and although they both knew Dean was an incorrigible night owl, the places that rural Kansas had to offer on a weekday were diminishing by the minute. Not much would be open now, except the seedier places around.
Salina had a few places that Sam might not know to look. And if Dean wasn’t in those, he was probably in Kansas City or even Lawrence, in similar places that Sam wasn’t aware that his brother frequented.
The gay bars.
When Dean had started to take Cas to those types of places, Dean had been quite clear about how these were just for them, and not of interest to Sam. Their ‘alone’ time.
“Not Sammy’s speed,” Dean had said, and Cas had not thought to question that.
But those places that were not Sammy’s speed were the ones he would pursue to find Dean. If he truly wanted to get out of reach of his family, that’s where he would likely go.
At the third attempt, which was the grubbiest gay sex joint Cas knew of in Salina, he saw Dean sitting at the end of the bar in a dark, but lively and colorful place, where the world seemed to swirl around him. Dean wasn’t reacting to the not so accidental bumps from men who wanted his attention, to the screaming music and overly full dancefloor. He just sat, all hunched over a drink, or three, ignoring everything.
Cas knew Dean to be sparkling and animated when they’d gone to these places where men met men, and where they’d had some interesting adventures. Now there was no joy or life around Dean. He looked half dead.
Cas walked over to his lover, bypassing a lot of hands, bodies and faces, and found his way to sit on the stool next to Dean.
“G’away,” Dean growled, not looking up. “I don’t care how many drinks you wanna buy me, I ain’t goin’ home with ya.”
Cas counted six empty shot glasses lined up in a row in front of Dean and that didn’t include the one he was coveting. “I believe someone has bought you enough drinks. But I would like you to go home with me, Dean.”
Dean looked up sluggishly, slack face trying to put on a half-smile. “Cas?” Dean swerved a bit on his barstool but regained his balance by himself, before Cas could interfere. “You found me?”
“Of course, I found you, Dean. You brought me here a few months ago.” That had been a more pleasant visit, but he didn’t say that. “You kept talking about this being the only gay bar with a Dark Room left in Kansas. But you wouldn’t let me go in to find out what it was.”
Dean giggled drunkenly and miserably into his drink as he took another sip. At least he wasn’t gulping it down, Cas noticed. But after six of whatever was in there, Dean was properly slushed already. He was probably just sipping to keep himself at the level where he wasn’t quite passing out.
“Yeah, I seriously debauched you, didn’ I?” Dean mumbled, looking up when the door at the end of the bar opened as two guys came out, clothes all disheveled.
Cas had his suspicions about what went on in the Dark Room.
“Maybe that’s why God hates me.” Dean shook his head and started to slide sideways precariously again. “I took his angel to the seedy end of town. I’m probably on his naughty list.”
Cas suppressed his persistent urge to grab Dean’s glass and smash it to the hardwood floor. “God doesn’t judge, and least of all you. He loves you,” Cas stated. He wasn’t speaking metaphorically. He knew God loved Dean above all else, because Cas loved Dean above all else. Everyone loved Dean. Cas knew nothing more truthful than that.
“God hates me,” Dean pouted, still managing to not slip off his seat. “That’s why he gave her back and then took her away again.”
Cas found he could be infuriated with Dean while at the same time his heart was breaking for his beloved human. “Yes, Mary left. Sam told me. I don’t know why.” Cas put an arm around his lover, wanting to touch Dean and make him feel better, but also to get closer to Dean. To feel like he could do some good and diminish all that pain in Dean’s voice. “No one hates you, Dean. I wish she hadn’t left, but we can’t control what others do.”
“Well, y’see, it doen’t matter anymore, Cas.” Dean shrugged Cas’s attempt at comfort off his back and straightened up, slipping off the bar stood, weaving to and fro as he did so. “Coz I’m gonna go in there and I’m gonna have my brain fucked out an’ then I’m gonna get lost.”
Dean was about to turn towards the door to the Dark Room, and Cas grabbed his arm, pulling his lover back to face him. “What do you mean, get lost? Where are you going?”
Dean looked at him for the first time since he’d gotten there, and Cas could see the dull, despairing pain in his lover’s eyes. “I’m checking out, Cas. I’m done.”
Dean turned around again, and pulled hard enough that Cas let go. He could easily block Dean’s movements, pin him down with one hand. But the pain in his human’s eyes was making its way to Cas’s inner being and he found he didn’t have the heart to stop Dean. Instead he suddenly found himself staring at the stark reality of the ill-fated day he’d always known would come. Dean’s end on Earth.
But not like this. Cas knew Dean wasn’t supposed to find his end at his own hand.
“What about me, Dean?”
Dean was halfway to the Dark Room before he stopped and looked back. His face was frighteningly hard and cold. “I wish this was about you, Cas, but it isn’t. And you can’t make it better, baby.” There was sympathy in Dean’s words, but the train he was on was unstoppable. “I can’t, even for you,” he sighed. “Not even for Sammy anymore.” Dean closed his eyes and shuddering breaths wrecked his body.
Dean was defeated.
Cas had hoped for another fifty years with Dean, but he’d always known their happiness could be over in an instant. That that instant could be today had completely blind-sided him. “I can’t visit you in Heaven,” was all he could think of to blurt out. “When will I see you again?”
Dean threw his head back in sad mirth, too drunk to control his reactions. “I ain’t goin’ to Heaven, Cas. You know that. Billie made me a date with the Empty.” He put a hand against the wall next to the door to the room of dark and ominous things. “It’s amazing how good that sounds right about now.”
Those last words put a cold hand around Cas’s vessel’s heart and it gripped until Cas thought he’d freeze from the inside out. The Empty was the worst thing an Angel could think of. Human souls were destined for Heaven. That was what life was all about. Surely his Dean was the best human of them all.
Where Cas had always been inconsolable, knowing that he couldn’t visit Dean in his Heaven anymore as he had no access there and no wings to fly him in. Now the thought of the flame of Dean’s soul being extinguished, far outweighed any of his selfish fears he’d had before. Dean deserved his afterlife, even if Cas could never see it.
It wasn’t right.
“Over my dead vessel,” Cas growled, catching Dean midway to reaching for the Dark Room door.
“What?” Dean was swaying, but was still with it enough to keep himself upright. He seemed puzzled. “Why?”
Cas got up, swiped the seven shot glasses off the bar and delighted in the crashing sounds that followed, even over all the noise in the place. He put a green bill with a high number on the counter, which appeased the bartender who had just been gearing up to rush Cas. He did it out of courtesy. He had no quarrel with the bartender or the glass wear. But for a moment he hadn’t been able to contain his rage at his best friend and lover.
“Why, Dean? Because I love your soul. I adore and worship you, Dean,” he stated that which he’d known from the moment he’d plucked Dean out of Hell. “Billie has no right to take your God given place in Heaven away from you. If she so much as tries…” He couldn’t finish what he was saying. It was not his place to interfere with reapers, but he would not stand by and see anyone harm Dean’s soul.
Dean clearly wasn’t interested in Heaven anymore, as he’d said. Well, okay, so Cas would safeguard it for him. “I will do whatever it takes to get you there,” Cas assured Dean.
The miserable human smiled a moment at Cas, as Cas had seen him smile many times before. The love shining through in a gentle way. “I love you too, Cas,” he said, tears filling the green eyes, making the smile and the love disappear. “But you can’t save this one, baby. No one can. Mom just doesn’t want me, you see. I failed her. She’s right. I’m better gone.” Dean’s words turned into a mumble and the light that Cas loved in Dean seemed to die in front of his eyes.
The human turned to open the door to the anonymous sex cavern that this place harbored.
Cas wasn’t getting through to Dean, so he would have to follow him, until he was receptive again. “I’ll come with you,” he said, and was right behind his lover as the door swung open, revealing dark red glowing people, moving in a miasma of bodies. The musk in that room was enough to arouse or to repel, depending on who you were and what you wanted.
Sultry music drowned out every thought of conversation, which was fine, as Cas recognized Dean had reached the limit of communication for now.
Dean took his jacket off to discard on benches at the entrance, and Cas mirrored him with his trench coat. Similarly, Dean’s flannel went, and Cas discarded his suit jacket, staying only a pace behind at every turn.
Dean seemed to be ignoring him completely, but Cas didn’t care. He just waited patiently for what was going to happen.
They waded through a sea of arms, legs, tongues. Cas could clearly see every man there, what each of them was doing to one, two or more others, and he could feel the high pheromone level simmering in the air.
Dean swayed slowly as anonymous hands tugged at his beautiful, denim clad ass, fingers pulling at his shirt and shadowed faces veering close by to attempt to claim Dean in contact. Cas pushed each attempt to lure Dean in away when they got too close. He could see far better than any human in this minimal light environment. Especially Dean wouldn’t be able to see much yet, as his eyes would need a few minutes to adjust to the dim atmosphere.
Cas knew Dean was beyond caring. He wanted to forget, to dissolve into nothingness. Cas knew that feeling all too well himself, the feeling of worthlessness of dismal failure. Dean’s methods of finding oblivion were different from Cas’s, but the underlying need was the same. Cas was determined to stay with Dean until it passed. It always passed.
For Cas, everything always passed. He was many thousands of years old, and Dean was young, a mere seventy-five years, including his time in Hell. Dean was a baby by Cas’s standards, but Dean knew so much more, understood so much more, had lived so much more. He had had to deal with so much more.
Cas couldn’t lose his one and only love just yet. He knew it would be soon, maybe in a mere thirty or forty years, but please not yet.
A pair of strong, determined hands suddenly stopped Dean in his tracks, and Dean let it happen. The large man pushed Cas’s lover to his knees and a thick, needy dick was already pointing towards Dean’s beautiful mouth.
Cas swiftly moved in between and shoved the intruder backwards. “Mine!” he heard himself growl over the din of the sweeping music. The stranger stumbled backwards and disappeared in a sea of bodies.
Dean’s hands grabbed onto Cas’s ass, probably thinking the angel was the man who’d forced Dean to kneel. Dean was nudging him around, trying to capture that big cock that had disappeared behind Cas. Cas could clearly see Dean, fumbling at Cas’s belt and zipper, and noticed Dean didn’t even have his eyes fully open. Given the amount of drinking Dean had been doing, and the murky and befuddling effect of the Dark Room, Cas figured that Dean didn’t even know who he was with at this point.
But Cas was highly aware of who and where they were. His jealousy had flared up out of nowhere. Cas normally kept it safely tucked away, ninety-nine percent of the time. He knew he was capable of great envy with a lover like Dean, who was desired by all men, women, creatures and beings who met him. Being with Dean could become a never-ending rollercoaster of cupidity.
Cas had known this from the start, and he had kept his possessiveness at bay as best he could. Today, though, he had no tolerance for letting anyone else touch Dean. Because of the vulnerable state his lover was in, Cas was steadfastly intent on claiming Dean for himself and himself alone.
And Dean wouldn’t mind. All Dean wanted now was to fuck and be fucked.
Fine. Cas could do that. Gladly even, if Dean hadn’t been so drunk he could barely see straight. But this was more about protecting and helping Dean than that is was about satisfying own illicit need for his number one human. His raw need for Dean was another thing he liked to keep to himself at all costs.
Either way, he would allow no one else near Dean tonight, come Hell or high water.
Meanwhile Dean was reaching into Cas’s pants and brought the angel’s semi-erect penis out to play with. Cas hadn’t even noticed that the environment or the situation of having Dean on his knees desiring only wanton sex was arousing his vessel. He’d been so focused on being Dean’s protector and squashing his own badly tamed feelings that he had spared no thought for his body’s natural reactions.
Dean pumped Cas expertly, like Cas had been pumped before by Dean. The thought that Dean would do the same things with just a random human male that he’s done with Cas - his true lover, his guardian angel - enraged him even more. He grabbed Dean’s hair with one hand and held on tight, suppressing the urge to thrust his cock deeply into Dean’s mouth.
Through the vigorous, never-ending noise of sex and decadence in the Dark Room, he distinctly could hear Dean moan as Dean’s mouth opened, bringing his tongue out to start lapping at Cas’s full erection. Cas checked himself when he could feel himself being swept away in the wantonness of the place that he had willingly, eagerly followed Dean into. His focus must stay on taking care of Dean, but it was hard. He was aching for his beloved and wanting him more than ever.
Finally, Dean sucked half Cas’s cock into his mouth and started to groan at the back of his throat, creating tremors that vibrated the angel’s whole erection. Cas couldn’t believe how sensual this was, and he gripped Dean’s hair tightly, ordering his legs not to buckle at the intensity. He couldn’t imagine wanting to be anywhere else than here with Dean sucking him so beautifully, pressing on and on, bit by bit, until Dean was deep throating Cas. His vessel wanted to ejaculate into that luscious mouth, claim every little bit of Dean that he could get his hands on, but he held off.
Dean had stopped breathing, but was pressing Cas down his throat, his eyes widening as bit. Cas could see through the dimness the light disappearing from Dean’s soul. Dean’s muscles lost their rigidity as Cas’s beloved human starting to lose consciousness.
“No!” He pushed Dean away from him with such force that Dean slammed backwards on his ankles, then toppled over to the side, almost face down. Cas caught him just before Dean’s head hit the dirty hard wood floor. “My beloved,” he murmured, quickly tucking himself back into his pants, any desire for sex now wholly forgotten. He wanted to hug Dean to him, and crouched down beside the miserable man. “Please,” he implored, but not even he could articulate what he was asking for.
Please don’t hurt yourself.
Please live.
Please don’t leave me.
Dean was gasping in retched breaths, croaking loud enough for others to hear him in the ever-present ruckus in this den of anonymity. No one made any move to help them. No one cared. They didn’t take a moment to find out what was going on.
But Cas finally understood what Dean’s plan had been all along.
This was where Dean had gone to end his life, to a place where he planned to give everything up and not a human soul gave a damn whether he lived or died. At that rare moment, Cas found himself actually hating humans. How they could be this cold and callous, and through sheer indifference let a fellow human being depart this life.
And briefly, he hated Dean for wanting to die, for regarding his own worth only through the eyes of others, of his family.
Before Cas could even think of what to say or what to do, Dean was pushing himself away. Cas had no idea if Dean knew it was him or not, but in a flash Dean was up and gone, out the door.
Only a few seconds later, Cas was on his feet, grabbing their clothes and running after Dean. He sped through the loud, seedy gay bar, pushing many bodies out of his way. In the parking lot where he’d seen the Impala waiting patiently, he found her patiently waiting here. She might never have seen her owner again, and if Cas hadn’t had a call from Sam, he might not have known until it was too late, what Dean’s plan had been on this night.
He found Dean in a mess, half dressed and slumped over the Baby’s hood. Cas could hear his ephemeral lover vomiting in the stark quiet of the parking lot. He hoped this would get some of the psychotropic brew out of Dean’s system. Considering how long Dean had been drinking, the angel doubted it would suffice.
Cas reached over to support Dean and stroked his back. “Please come home with me,” he asked, his voice frighteningly loud in the sudden quiet of the outside.
Dean didn’t answer and just kept shuddering under Cas’s hands. He could hear that Dean was sobbing. Dean had no strength left in his legs to keep him upright, so he just sagged against the car, trembling.
Cas’s heart broke. He could no longer stop himself from pulling Dean up towards himself and hugged his precious human close to him. “Shh,” Cas whispered, noticing he’d never done anything like this for anyone else before. With Dean, such things just came to him, and today he could give into the urge to cherish his human.
He’d never experienced nurturing in the thousands of years that he’d been in existence. He had only seen humans comfort each other and he’d noticed how the Winchester brothers held each other when one was in great distress.
He’d watched as Dean slept more times than he’d cared to admit to either the human or himself, and he’d felt a longing then. The longing was to hold Dean and to protect him from all harm, forever.
Holding Dean had only been a dream until they’d started to have sex together. Somehow, for humans, sex and treasuring seemed to go hand in hand when loving those from other bloodlines. Sex seemed to bond one to the bloodline like a new relative. All angels were siblings, and Cas felt humans were all comparably related, so the need for bloodline distinction was sometimes lost on Cas.
Ever since they’d become sexual partners, Cas had been allowed to hold Dean at night. Dean never initiated it, but he’d never said no to Cas’s wish to hold him while he slept. It was one of Cas’s greatest joys.
But now, he was holding Dean while he bawled. Dean hadn’t refused the intimacy. He’d rewarded Cas by breaking down and crying out his pain without shame, without reserve. Dean was even pulling Cas closer, confirming for Cas that he was doing the right thing.
“I failed her, Cas. I messed up. Sam, me,” Dean slurred through intense tears. “We’re not what she wanted and it’s my fault.”
“You are perfect, Dean.” Cas tried to say whatever was his truth. He knew lying to Dean would never work. “You did nothing wrong. She’s not punishing you.” He needed Dean to understand that humans were unpredictable, and human actions were motivated by unknown needs and reasons. He was forever playing catch-up on that front as well. “She loves you, Dean. You are the perfect son,” he said without reservations. He knew it to be true. Dean was the perfect brother, son, mentor, lover. The perfect human.
Dean was Cas’s perfect everything.
Dean started to lose his footing, going slack in Cas’s arms. Cas fumbled the key out of Dean’s pocket and moved back a bit, opening the Impala passenger door with one hand, while holding up Dean with the other. He moved the semi-conscious man inside and ran to the other side to take the driver’s seat, dumping the pile of clothes he’d been holding on to in his lap. Dean was slouching forward, shivering and looking white as a sheet. Cas wasn’t sure Dean wasn’t going to throw up again.
“Dean?” he asked, as he put his hand on Dean’s shoulder. Dean immediately leaned into the touch and laid his head on Cas’s lap, supported by a bed of coats.
Cas couldn’t tell if Dean was passing out, going to sleep, or just resting.
Cas wormed his smart phone out of his pocket and wrote to Sam, ‘Dean is unhappy, inebriated and in the car with me.’
Nearly instantaneously Sam’s answer came through. ‘Don’t let him out of your sight. Make him comfortable.’
Cas contemplated what would make Dean comfortable. As much as Dean loved driving, Cas assumed the hour and a half drive back to the Bunker wasn’t the best option at this point. He knew of a motel, right on the road out of Salina, so he put the car into gear and drove Dean there.
He charged their room to the credit card under the family name Madonna, providing Dean with the anonymity Cas knew he always coveted.
Dean was sitting upright by the time Cas got back to the Impala. He’d been fully planning on carrying Dean into the motel room, but if Dean could walk, that would be a good sign too. Dean didn’t make a move, though.
Cas opened the side door. “Would you be more comfortable sitting here or to going inside?” he asked, open to either answer. It was good get information first hand, with humans.
“Cas?” Dean asked, his face grey and drawn.
The angel wasn’t sure what he was being asked, but Dean didn’t make any further steps, other than his pallor growing more sickly by the minute, making his freckles stand out harshly against his green eyes and pale skin.
“If you need to vomit, the motel room bathroom might be the right place for you to be,” Cas decided, taking hold of Dean’s arm, hoping to coax him out of the car and into the shelter designed for human wellbeing.
Dean grabbed him and resisted with enough force to convince Cas to stop.
“Was that you?” Tears were starting to run across Dean’s cheeks. They took a decade off his true age, making him look young and worried. “Did you follow me into the dark room?”
Cas knelt in front of his beloved, so he could look up to the man he’d always looked up to. “Yes. I did. I’d do it again, Dean. I’ll always try to be with you when you’re in pain.” Thinking back to what Dean had tried to do there, he had to contain his own feelings and found himself holding and letting out a breath before continuing. “I’m glad I was with you.”
Dean brought his free hand to his mouth. “I didn’t mean for it to be you,” Dean’s tears were drying up, and Cas could see the telltale signs of Dean’s sense of guilt.
Cas’s anger flared up at that. “I wanted it to be me, Dean! I need it to be me. I want you to want it to be me.”
“I was about to-” Dean stopped halfway. They both knew what Dean had been about to do.
Cas shook his head. “I can’t bear you throwing your life away that God gave you. But if you need it done, then come to me,” he said, refusing his vessel to start shaking at the mere thought of Dean wanting to die before his time. He knew Dean had been walking that tightrope for many years, perhaps all his life, but he still hated it. “Until then, I believe you should take a shower and have some rest. We have a room,” he finished, not knowing what else to do for Dean to make him comfortable.
Dean looked dazed, but he climbed out of the car and Cas pushed him in the direction of their room. Once inside, Cas switched on the shower and gathered the available towel, pushing Dean into the bathroom.
He waited, as Dean got naked and stepped under the shower.
“Are you gonna join me or what?” Dean asked, without his usual leer or cocky sarcasm.
Cas couldn’t tell if it was an invitation or a question on his intentions. “Will it make you comfortable?” he asked, intending to follow Sam’s advice.
“It’s a damn sight better than having you just stare at me,” Dean said, a little bit of a smirk back on his face.
That was a good sign, so Cas undressed and folded up his clothes in a neat pile.
He climbed into the shower stall, and it all seemed very tight. Dean was fully slathered up with soap by this point and he started to rub himself against Cas. The angel didn’t need to be cleaned, but this felt amazing. His interrupted sexual activity earlier had not been forgotten by his body and he knew Dean had noticed his instant readiness as well.
“I thought so,” Dean murmured, and started to lower himself in front of Cas.
Cas quickly grabbed his lover before Dean could kneel down. “No,” he said. “Not after just now.” The memory of Dean choking on his cock was too fresh in his mind.
Dean caught on, but slower than usual. Cas put it down to the amount of alcohol still in his system.
Instead, Dean pulled Cas close to him in a full-body, demanding hug. “I need you Cas,” he breathed huskily with a hint of desperation. “Please.”
Cas felt this wasn’t about love making, like it hadn’t been about sex in the Dark Room. But he would give anything Dean required of him, no matter what it was. “I’m yours, Dean. Always.”
Dean was still trying to get closer to Cas, and the angel realized the cleaning session was over. Dean was no longer trying to get clean, or have sex. He needed something else. And Cas was determined to give it to Dean.
He switched the shower off and folded the towel around Dean. His lover took it from there, working automatically, as he’d done many thousands of times before.
Cas determined himself dry, not needing a towel, and waited until Dean was ready to be led to the bed.
Dean flopped down gratefully, sprawling languidly on his stomach, sighing and closing his eyes.
Cas sat down beside him, and put a hand on Dean’s lower back, initiating his grace to determine if he could remove the toxins from Dean’s system. He let his grace flow as he located pockets of alcohol in Dean’s stomach and liver, but the alcohol that was still coursing through Dean’s blood would be considerably harder to extricate. He settled for the first two and let the rest take its course. This would significantly diminish the hangover Dean would experience later on.
He was about to remove his hand and go to the other bed, when Dean grabbed his arm and held him in place. “Don’t go, Cas,” Dean’s whisper came to him.
“I’ll stay,” he said immediately. Whatever Dean wanted, Cas would do it.
Dean’s hand pulled and Cas felt himself being guided to lie behind Dean and curl up with his human head to toe, wrapping his arms around Dean’s stomach and shoulders.
Cas had to remember that this was not for his bliss that he was lying with his lover right now, but it was a delight he couldn’t deny existed every time he was allowed to touch Dean in this way.
“Take me,” Dean said softly, choked by a tight throat and pillows.
“What do you need?” Cas asked, requiring specifics so he could get it right and make Dean comfortable.
Dean brought his arm around and pushed Cas’s ass forward, pressing Cas’s sex into the cleft between Dean’s butt cheeks. “You,” Dean insisted, his voice dropping low and rough. “Take me. Now.”
Was he being selfish if he did this now? Yes, Dean was intoxicated, and possibly not in his right mind. And he’d just turned a sexual act into an act of desperation.
What should he do?
“You’re in my charge,” Cas explained. “I can’t take advantage of you.”
Dean let go and his hand shot up to punch the headboard. “Damnit, Cas!” His voice came out strangled, tortured. “I need to know you still want me.”
Cas ran his hand up Dean’s gorgeous torso, following dips and curves on his well sculpted body. “I always want you, Dean. I cannot help but want you.”
“Then take me,” Dean insisted, more forcefully now, taking back command over his breakdown earlier.
Cas still felt this wasn’t about Dean wanting to have sex with him. He reached over to Dean’s penis and palmed its softness. “You don’t want to make love, Dean.” The angel knew how Dean’s body worked, how Dean’s lust worked. This wasn’t desire.
Dean brought his arm down and squeezed Cas’s hand around his own cock. “I want you to want me, Cas. Show me you still want me. Show me I’m good for something. I failed everything and everyone. I know I messed us up tonight too, Cas, but,” Dean’s pressure on Cas’s hand was frantic now. “I need you to make me yours. Mark me. Fuck me.” Dean’s voice cracked at the end.
Cas didn’t know what was right and what was wrong anymore. He knew he couldn’t stop and phone Sam for advice. He was on his own and had to decide what to do.
Dean was clearly still under the influence of the liquor he’d expertly imbibed. He was saying things Cas had never heard him say, and might never hear him say again. Should he give into this need of Dean’s, even if it was far too close to what Cas wanted.
It was no longer clear to him who was wanting and who was needing.
“I need you,” Dean repeated desolately, letting Cas’s hand go. “Please.”
That broke Cas.
He could not stand to have Dean beg for something he could easily give, no matter how much it made him feel like he was stealing his own pleasure at the cost of his lover.
“I’m yours, Dean.” The decision was too easy, and Cas hoped it was the right one.
He looked for where Dean had discarded his jeans. He gave it more than half a chance that his lover had brought some lube. He used his grace to sweep the jeans onto the bed and went through the pockets. He came up with a small bottle of lube and threw the denim mess off the bed as he was unscrewing the top already. He found himself fumbling in his haste.
Suddenly Dean’s hand stilled his quickly moving ones and Dean finally turned around and looked at him.
He found he craved the intimacy and communication of direct eye contact more than he’d realized.
“Thank you,” Dean breathed, with a level of relief on his face that sideswiped Cas’s emotions completely. Emotions that he was never supposed to be feeling, but with Dean, he always had.
“Forgive me,” Cas answered, “but I need you too.”
Cas felt Dean’s gaze on his every move as he squirted one dollop of lube on his hand and brought it to his own erection, hissing as the angry hard-on he’d ignored ever since it had been in Dean’s mouth was finally being rewarded with attention.
“You’re so beautiful,” Dean murmured, like he wasn’t even aware of himself anymore. Dean never said things like that.
Cas’s head was spinning with everything that was happening. They’d never made love this way before. Not in such need, such want.
Cas squirted another blob of lube on his hand and pressed it in between Dean’s butt cheeks. Dean groaned and closed his eyes, turning into the world of human sensations that Dean was so good at losing himself in. Cas loved to see him show his physical pleasure, and he attempted to learn to enjoy his own vessel more every time they made love.
Dean’s gifts to Cas were endless. How could he ever refuse this man anything?
He slid his hand firmly in between Dean’s perfect orbs, holding his beloved close with his other arm, wishing they could stay in bodily contact forever and knowing it was useless to wish such things. He sighed at that as he found Dean’s hole and pushed two fingers in.
Dean gasped lusciously, like the world was being righted, and Cas pushed in further, eliciting incoherent mumbles from his lover.
He could feel how compliant Dean’s body was. He was more than ready, but Cas pulled his two fingers out and pushed three in in rapid succession. He was determined not to hurt his lover today. This was all about giving Dean what he needed.
Cas was amazed that Dean had just told him, Dean needed him. Not just anyone, not a nameless man who’d deep throat an anonymous, suicidal mouth, without any sort of care to who this extraordinary man was.
One thing was sure in the angel’s mind, Dean knew Cas cared. Dean had asked from him what no one, not man nor angel had ever wanted from him. To help him in his greatest pain.
Cas vowed to himself that he would do all he could for Dean on this night, or die trying. He would later confess his decisions to Dean and do penance if he’d misjudged the situation.
Dean was moving naturally with the pressure that Cas exerted, pushing in and sliding the lube up and down Dean’s rectum. Cas knew human anatomy from a mechanical perspective that even highly trained physicians couldn’t match, and he searched and found Dean’s prostate gland within seconds.
He pressed gently and Dean gasped, shuddering uninhibitedly. Seeing Dean writhe in pleasure at his hands was the most amazing gift in all Creation. He knew he didn’t deserve it, but he was grateful. He moved his finger around the pleasure point and Dean’s body wracked with abandon at his will.
“It is you, who are beautiful, my friend,” Cas said to his lover, and he could swear that he saw a bit of a smile playing around Dean’s mouth. He was glad for a first sign of the morbid depression lifting from Dean’s soul, though the angel knew it was all more complicated than that.
Cas couldn’t do anything about the bigger picture for his love, but he could do this, right here, right now. He lined his slick cock up with Dean’s entrance and laid himself against Dean’s back.
He whispered in Dean’s ear, “Do you still want this?”
Dean pressed back against him, as if he couldn’t wait another second. “Need you now,” was all Cas could make out as an answer, but Dean’s body spoke a clear language the angel couldn’t fail to understand.
“I love you,” Cas confessed. Dean didn’t answer, he never did. It was enough that Cas felt free to speak his feelings. It was more than he’d ever had or even thought would be worthy of. Cas wasn’t asking for anything. He was merely giving Dean a glimpse of his truth.
He pushed forward and guided himself into Dean, making the human gasp in response. The tightness and heat of his lover threatened to rip his reason away, but Cas forced himself to stay with Dean. What Dean needed and wanted was the most important thing in the world. It was the only thing in the world.
Dean was panting, but he pressed himself further onto Cas, coaxing the angel to go faster, deeper. Cas complied, guiltily knowing he was getting too much pleasure out of this, as his whole being was ringing with joy. He knew it was wrong to take so selfishly, but he consoled himself when with every inch he moved into Dean, Dean purred with wanton hedonism.
“Cas. Cas. Cas,” Dean repeated, but never seemed to form a sentence.
He knew this was the last moment to talk to Dean, before they both moved to a point where words would be beyond them. “You wanted to know if I still want you, Dean? If you are needed? I have wanted you forever. There is no beginning or end to my need for you. It’s part of me. If I hadn’t been assigned to be your guardian angel, I would have fought any angel for the privilege. You enabled my transformation from being a soldier of Heaven to truly being an angel, worthy of serving God and humanity. You are my humanity, and I need you. I feel blessed that you want me too, that you allow me to touch you and give you pleasure. I never dreamed until I met you, and now all I dream of is you.”
Cas held his beloved in his arms as he spoke, feeling Dean melt into him, feeling the worry and pain flow out of Dean. Knowing he was bringing Dean relief gave him more joy than the sexual act they were engaged in. It satisfied him on a level he hadn’t known he possessed.
“I am yours, forever,” Cas concluded, knowing that he had spoken his truth in every word he’d said.
He didn’t wait for an answer. Experience told him there would be none. Dean was a man of few words where it came to their relationship and Cas was content not to ask for more than what Dean would give of his own accord.
“Make me yours,” Dean said unexpectedly. “Fuck me. Take me, Cas.”
The angel had no soul to start to sing, so it must have been his vessel’s heart, because the surge of love and desire that ran through him was base and carnal, and human. He squeezed his eyes shut against hot tears that were unexpectedly overtaking him. He wasn’t hurt. He was the opposite. It was a joy beyond any of his previous experiences that forced the tears passed his tightly closed lids.
He clung to Dean as he thrust into his lover strong and bold. They both sucked in air like drowning men, and Dean groaned out his passion, whimpering words Cas couldn’t decode.
“Is it okay?” he requested permission to continue, fearful of hurting Dean.
His lover nodded. “Yeah, yes,” Dean breathed, visibly fighting for coherence.
Cas was content if Dean was losing his struggle with clarity, as long as this was what he wanted. There was nothing to stop him now from claiming his lover and Cas pulled back and thrust into his lover’s tight heat once more, testing Dean’s reaction to measure of force he could use.
He didn’t want to damage Dean but the need to possess his lover was claiming Cas and giving in was all he wanted right then, stopping short of hurting Dean. Always shopping short of hurting Dean. Cas didn’t succeed at all times, but taking care of his human was priority number one in his existence.
However, Dean was thrusting himself into Cas impatiently, asking for more, faster, harder. And Cas was delighted to give it, to be allowed to be this close to his human, to be inside his human. Nothing could ever match it. He set up a rhythm in tune with Dean’s frantic undulations, and held Dean in his arms, feeling the solid mass of his lover and reveling in it. He was touching Dean when he wasn’t bleeding, and he was allowed to stay in contact, to give his lover comfort, and to help release his pain and tension. Cas had longed for these moments from the very beginning of his journey with Dean.
Cas tilted his pelvis backward to change the angle of his thrusts, and Dean started to tremble at each plunge. Cas smiled contentedly, gratified he knew just how to push the human’s buttons. With each lunge Dean was now shuddering out of control but Cas held onto him tightly, not allowing Dean to wriggle away or be left alone. The angel stroked his lover’s beautiful body appreciatively with one arm, while the other held Dean in place for more fucking, each thrust deeper than the previous.
Dean was grunting at each drive into him and moaning on each time Cas pulled out. Cas feared he might lose all sanity himself, as the pleasure his own vessel was capable of was building to extreme levels. He hoped that Dean was feeling anything a kin to what he was going through, as he knew he wouldn’t be able to last much longer.
He had sense enough to use his free arm to take hold of Dean’s cock and start pumping, as he felt his vessel start to pull rampant lust from his spine and pushing every ounce of lust he had into his hard cock. He plunged into Dean over and over again until he screamed his lover’s name as the rip of pleasure just about tore him apart.
He rode out the waves of passion into his lover, and became slowly aware that he’d lost control at a critical moment. He’d forgotten to take care of Dean when his own desire for drawing pleasure from copulating with his beloved had overtaken him.
He continued to hold Dean who was lying limp and boneless in his arms, breathing heavily and penis slack in Cas’s loving hand.
“I’m sorry, Dean,” he whispered in his beloved human’s ear. “I wanted you too much.” He’d known he would need to do penance for taking his pleasure while his lover had been under the influence of alcohol and grief.
Taking care of Dean should always come first, so he was ready to pay the price. He would, however, cherish this memory like nothing else in his long lifetime.
Dean’s hand was slowly caressing Cas’s arm, sliding down and coming to rest where Cas was gently holding Dean’s genitals. “Cas,” Dean slurred, eyes closing and half asleep in Cas’s arms, “You’re the best. Never forget that.”
Cas wasn’t sure if that was an answer, but it didn’t sound like he had hurt Dean after all. In fact, the human was showing all signs of being contented, peaceful and freed of his emotional troubles. It would not last, but Cas was grateful for the moments he had been able to give Dean.
The angel held Dean in his arms, kept his erection at the minimum turgidity to stay inside his beloved, and waited for what would come. As the minutes passed, Dean’s breathed evened out, and his slack, unencumbered, gorgeous face seemed at rest.
Dean had survived the night. Cas for that same reason had survived the night.
He hoped Dean would want him like this for the rest of Dean’s natural life.
Because Cas was where he wanted to be, forever.