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"It wasn't your fault, kid."
Ash's heart hiccups at those words, but he ignores it. "I cost Jessica her fucking virtue, and you know it."
Max winces.
There we go, Ash thinks with a tinge of satisfaction. Now react, old man.
Contusions on his mind as dark as those that ever were on his body. Even darker on his heart, maybe. It's fucked up, isn't it? That Ash wants Max to hate him.
Ash thinks it's his fault. Max doesn't.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
07 Jul 2026
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Griffin closes his eyes for a moment. "Where is Aslan?" he asks again.
"Who knows? Kid ran away when I tried to send him to my sister. Haven't seen him since."
"Have you looked?"
"Why would I?"
Griffin takes three steps forward and punches Jim Callenreese in the face.
It takes Griffin years after returning to the States to locate Aslan.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
07 Jul 2026
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I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Do You forgive me? Is there such a thing as forgiveness, for someone like me?
And that was—life, for Ash. Apology after apology. Repentance after repentance. Never forgiveness, though. Never, ever forgiveness.
"Dad?" Aslan asks one day. About six months into the beginning of his Hell on Earth. "I prayed again today."
chaos101's religious guilt fic
Bookmarked by xCheechx
07 Jul 2026
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The flowers will die a little sooner, without you. by chaos101 for ADreamingSongbird
Fandoms: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
27 Jan 2021
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Aslan wakes with a start, a name tearing itself from his lips before he can even know what he’s saying.
“Eiji!” he cries. He jolts upwards, but it hurts. Everything hurts. Why? What’s going on? And why did he yell Eiji’s name?
A day after the invasion, Aslan wakes up on the road, leaving his home behind. Based on ADreamingSongbird's "paper boats" royalty AU! Can be read with or without reading paper boats first.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
06 Jul 2026
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"You're burning up," Shorter says, and suddenly his face is in Ash's, pressing their foreheads together.
"What are you doing?" Ash demands. He wants to pull away, but there's nowhere to go, and he wants to get closer, but there's no such thing, and—
"Taking your temperature," Shorter says calmly, pulling his head back. "Comparing your forehead temp to mine, to make sure it's not just my hands being cold."
"Your hands are cold," Ash grumbles. And of course my face would be warm when you do that, dumbass.
"I think you've got a pretty bad fever, buddy. Let me carry you upstairs."
Ash is sick, and he doesn't have anywhere else to go.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
05 Jul 2026
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"I'm just ..." Ash hesitates. "I feel bad, that I'm the one who's still here. And Griffin isn't."
"You can feel bad for him, Ash, but I wish you would spare some sympathy for yourself."
Swear to me that I matter, too? Ash thinks. Pinky swear that I deserve an ounce of that sympathy? That I'm worthy?
"Jim wasn't a good father," Ash whispers.
Eiji places a hand on his knee. Comforting. Not greedy. "I know," he says. And then, "Do you want to call Max?"
A discussion of revictimization.
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Bookmarked by xCheechx
05 Jul 2026
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i love you all the more for it by chaos101, newagedrunaway
Fandoms: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
28 Jan 2022
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"If journaling and drawing aren't working, there are lots of other forms of catharsis. Have you considered writing fiction?" his therapist asks.
Ash tilts his head back. "I don't know if this creative stuff is going to work. My brother was the poet, not me. And he's—he's gone." But then an idea hits Ash, and he sits up straight, looking at her. "Actually—my brother was a poet."
Holly just smiles that signature smile of hers.
"What if I write poetry?"
Therapy, support, recovery, and poetry.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
04 Jul 2026
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All of this hurts. All of it burns. But sometimes the soft touches and kind words are worse than the abuse. Ash would take a closed fist over a gentle caress.
Don't pretend, he wants to beg. Hurt me like you mean it.
Any pedophile is a sadist, really.
Whether they intend to hurt him or not.
It all hurts.
Please, Ash wants to scream. Wants to beg. But he's a coward. He's never once said the word no.
Life hurts Ash. Shorter doesn't.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
04 Jul 2026
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Being Ash's friend is turning your head as he turns tricks.
Paranoia.
Never knowing if he'll come back. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.
Being Ash's friend is coaxing a smile out of a demon, an angel.
Loving someone who loves you back without knowing it, without realizing that he can. Loving someone who thinks that love only means one thing.
Being the only one to love him any differently than that.
Crying yourself to sleep, knowing he's probably doing the same somewhere.
Well, you know where, if you're being honest with yourself.
Shorter sobs.
Friendship in winter.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
04 Jul 2026
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“I just—Max, it’s so hard to—imagine a parent and kid who actually ... love each other.”
It’s silent for a moment, and Ash thinks that Max agrees with him. Of course, Max must have realized that Ash is right, and that he is too fucked up to raise a kid. But then—
“What about you and me?” Max says quietly.
“W-what?”
Afraid of himself, Ash asks Max for advice on the idea of him and Eiji adopting a kid.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
01 Jul 2026
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"We can think about putting a label on this when things are ... not like ... this."
Ash's expression hardens. "Like what, Shorter?" he demands. Shit.
"I just mean—"
"They'll always be like this. I'm not getting out, okay? That's not going to happen. You can tell me these stupidly sweet words all you want, but it's not true, and you know it. So is it too much to ask for? For me to just ... have ... have you, even though the rest of my life is like that?"
"Ash—"
"I'm always going to be fucked up!" Ash is glaring again, and now Shorter is about to cry. "I'm never going to get better, or—or whatever, and my life is always going to look like this, and I've come to fucking accept that. I guess I was just hoping that you would love me anyway."
Ash tells Shorter that he's in love with him.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
01 Jul 2026
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We will stay with you. Now and forever. by chaos101
Fandoms: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
13 Sep 2021
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He wants to believe that Eiji is like Shorter, and wouldn’t be interested in hurting him, but what are the chances that the world would let Ash meet two people like that?
Ash can pay his gang back by protecting them from the other gangs of New York, but he hasn’t done anything for Eiji or Shorter. He hasn’t paid his fucking dues.
And trying to sleep next to the two of them in a fucking motel room is a stark reminder of that.
It’s odd, lying here between them—it would be the perfect opportunity to pay them back, if only they would let him.
Ash slips out of the motel room on the way to Los Angeles, but Eiji and Shorter won't let him be alone with his thoughts.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
01 Jul 2026
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Ash laughs, a little—a lot—bitter. “It’s too bad I’m fucked up, yeah? A face like this, a brain like mine, a body—I mean—I could have been someone.”
“You are someone, Ash,” Eiji whispers. “And that has nothing to do with your intelligence or your appearance.”
Ash doesn’t respond.
Sometimes all it takes is a word or a touch to hurt. Sometimes all it takes is a word or a touch to heal.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
30 Jun 2026
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“You can wake me up,” Shorter says quickly. “If you have another nightmare. You can wake me up. I don’t mind, okay?”
Doesn’t mind because it means Ash will owe him later? Or ... ?
Ash takes a deep breath, trying not to think about that right now. He doesn’t want to owe Shorter—to owe anyone—but when he’s crying and crying and screaming from the nightmares and the memories and Shorter is there, it’s impossible to not reach for him. To not beg for Shorter and cry out his name and plead with the universe to please, please, just this once, have mercy.
Please.
Be kind to me.
Pain, friendship, love, and their intersection.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
29 Jun 2026
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I'm hard to love, but I want you to love me. by chaos101
Fandoms: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
03 Oct 2021
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“You were willing to sacrifice everything for me, once, and now you don’t have to.”
A memory flashes through Ash’s mind—of holding a gun to his own head and pulling the trigger, no hesitation. And he sits there, head on Eiji’s shoulder, with the knowledge that he would do it again in a heartbeat.
“Yeah,” Ash whispers. “I’m ... glad I don’t have to. Anymore.”
Eiji is silent for a moment, and Ash knows he’s doomed.
“Fuck,” he whispers.
Eiji explains that there's more to love than sacrifice.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
28 Jun 2026
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“It’s just—what I do. I hurt people, or I—just fucking—pleasure them. Those are my only two talents.”
“I do not think that is true.” He leans against Ash again, and stays there this time. Ash doesn’t pull away. “I think that you are talented at love, too.”
Ash scoffs. “Only one kind of love.”
“That is not what I mean,” Eiji says sadly, “and you know it.”
“What do you think love is, Eiji?” Ash demands. “This? What we have, here?”
Eiji wakes Ash up from a nightmare, and they discuss what they mean to each other.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
28 Jun 2026
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No more sacrifices. I want us both to live. by chaos101
Fandoms: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
29 Sep 2021
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So it’s okay to die here, right? It’s not ... suicide. Not really. Not when the person dying is someone who never should have existed in the first place. It’s just putting the universe back in order. Taking a thorn out of the side of Lady Luck or Mother Earth or God or whatever the fuck kind of deity you pray to when your soulmate was shot and all you want in the world is for him to survive instead of you.
And he does.
And you don’t.
And it’s okay.
Everything is as it should be.
Ash survives, too.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
28 Jun 2026
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This had to be a dream. Ah, and that crunch from earlier—did he punch, no, did he break Arthur’s nose? Is he stupid?
“I am not stupid.” Eiji answered, annoyance lacing his tone. The trees were clearing, a road splitting nature. “W-well, maybe.”
Bookmarked by xCheechx
25 Jun 2026
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More often than not, Eiji hears the heartbreaking sounds of Ash’s nightmares but he can't bring himself to do anything about it. This is not one of those nights. Eiji comforts Ash after a nightmare and they have a heart-to-heart. Eiji doesn't know how to react when Ash insists they sleep together.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
23 Jun 2026
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Shorter answers the door, looking less surprised to see Ash than he should.
“Hey,” Ash mutters, looking down at his feet. “Uh—”
“Go upstairs,” Shorter says immediately, but his voice is soft. “My room. I’ll clock out in a second. I’ll tell Nadia it’s an emergency.”
It isn’t, but Ash is always an emergency to Shorter.
Ash is still learning what friendship looks like, and what trust is.
Bookmarked by xCheechx
08 Jun 2026