CaptainApplebottom
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Summary
“In my humble opinion there’s only three things that men should be and that is bloody, slutty, and pathetic.” And, on a good day, Draco Malfoy can be all three.
When war heroine Hermione Granger and Azkaban-tattooed war criminal Draco Malfoy are forced to wed as part of Shacklebolt’s controversial Reconciliation Act, they openly fight the match and each other—their public brawls breathlessly reported by the press.
Secretly, a deeply traumatized Draco delights in Hermione’s attention and pines for a real marriage with her—even as her forced proximity to the Black family magic irritates the cursed scar Bellatrix left on her arm, reminding her why she can never truly trust or forgive him. Then Hermione discovers that Draco’s blood will soothe the scar . . . and Draco is willing to trade his blood for her body.
(With post-war blood purity politics, black market potioneers, Pansy Parkinson’s career advice, the Malfoys blackmailing Hermione’s Wizengamot opposition, BDE Neville Longbottom hunting Death Eaters, a slutty Theo Nott serving as Draco’s right-hand man, and Crookshanks loose in Malfoy Manor.)
Series
- Part 1 of THE BLOODY, SLUTTY, AND PATHETIC SERIES
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Four long years after leaving Sakura at the gate, the members of Team 7 are back in Konoha and she is not the same girl they left behind.
Series
- Part 1 of All I Want, All I Need
Bookmarked by CaptainApplebottom
29 Apr 2026
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Summary
Ten million galleons in exchange for teaching Draco Malfoy the finer arts of sexual pleasure before his wedding.
For an entire year. In secret. While he’s betrothed to someone else.
What could go wrong?
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 22,310
- Chapters:
- 6/?
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 907
- Kudos:
- 1,288
- Bookmarks:
- 372
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- 27,822
Bookmarked by CaptainApplebottom
22 Apr 2026
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Summary
Draco’s mission was simple: travel two thousand years into the past and kill Hermione Granger.
He did not, however, anticipate complications. Namely, a side quest involving Granger’s friends, who have also time-travelled courtesy of substandard Time-Turners.
Becoming entangled in ancient politics while wearing a toga and facing a severe shortage of hair gel was not on his bingo card.
Neither was becoming a Roman soldier.
Nor befriending a perpetually ill-tempered ginger cat.
And certainly not falling for the very woman he was sent to kill.
Series
- Part 1 of Tattered and Tethered To You
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Summary
24-year-old War Hero and iryō-nin, Haruno Sakura, is tired. She ran away from her responsibilities to an alternate dimension three years ago, with 0 intention of interacting with the shinobi world. With only a mokuton-made sanctuary and orchard to her name, she intends to spend her time healing with Katsuyu as her sole companion.
Then, some idiots decide to run past her hidden sanctuary with two obviously kidnapped young boys. Two young boys with chakra signatures she would know anywhere. At any point in time.
Suddenly, Sakura’s retirement is up in flames, as she finds herself drawn to a stoic and hardened widower, Namikaze Minato.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 17,478
- Chapters:
- 30/?
- Collections:
- 3
- Comments:
- 481
- Kudos:
- 2,814
- Bookmarks:
- 885
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- 50,336
Bookmarked by CaptainApplebottom
19 Apr 2026