Chapter Text
His mind was in a blurry haze. He had given into his impulses and gave into breaking his six months of being completely clean from drugs.
If he had had a clearer mind at present he might have felt guilty for failing to keep his promise to his friends and disappointed in himself but as it was, he was pretty much blessed out and numb to all of the smothering feeling that usually beat against his mind.
The taunting voices that normally took up the radio static of his thoughts were amazingly silent. He didn't have the urge to cut or the mind to stress out about everything, he didn't even feel the ever constant urge to end it all. It was just soo releaving to not feel anything and for once, in far longer than he cared to remember, be content to just laze about his small apartment the haze of his mind making him forget to worry about missing his classes today.
It's not like he needed to go to the lectures, he already knew all of the material and it's not like he had been accepted into the college for his grades since he dropped out of high-school. He had always been smarter than other people and read books far more advanced than he should have been able to understand.
He had after all been a kid genius even if he had hid it. That and he was at college for his art scholarship not his smarts. So it shouldn't matter if he skipped the academic parts and used his own time for Studio Hours.
Had he not have promised his best friend Bard that he wouldn't touch any kind of drugs he would have given in sooner. But honestly Bard should have know he would give in sooner rather than latter. He lasted six months this last time, which considering his own personal record of drug use in the past, he thought that he actually did pretty good.
Of course the first three months had been both the hardest to quit and the easiest since he had come to rely on the daily cuts and shots but since none of his friends had left him alone by himself for those first three mo the he hadn't had the time to sneak away and fall back into his old habits.
The voices never stopped and he still went days without sleeping but Bard and his boyfriend Ori had made sure that he at least ate one meal a day a slept for at least seven hours every other night. It had been both annoying and helpful. If they were with him he had less time to time by himself in the silence of his apparment and listen to the voices in his head telling him to give in and finally end it all.
He could not recall just how many time he had sat in one place without moving for hours on end staring at the belt and needle just daring himself to resist the urge for one more minute then one more hour until Bard or Ori came to check on him.
The fact that neither of them knew about his hidden razors that he had stashed around his apartment made him feel proud for some odd reason. It's not like he had planned to start cutting himself before today they were just there to remind himself that he always had an out. Not exactly helpful considering his state of mind at the current time but it had helped ground and center him nonetheless.
Even when he was blissed out like he was know he knew better than to attempt to cut himself now, that's why he had done it before he shot himself up. He wasn't stupid despite what his family thought.
The stinging in his arm and on his thighs added just the right amount of pain to keep his hazed over mind focused enough that he wouldn't pass out intirely. Which given the amount he had injected was a high possibility at the moment.
He probably shouldn't have used so much for the first time using it in half a year but he had wanted to make sure that he would be completely unable to feel anything or hear the voices. He didn't need to be put back into the hospital and rehab just because he listened to them and went too far.
His cutting too deep and attempting to overdose before almost jumping off of a ten story buildings roof three years ago had been what made the gapping distance appear between him and his family.
He was lucky Bard hadn't taken their lead and abandoned him too. He was doubly lucky that his younger brother Kíli at least still talked to him over text twice a month to make sure he was alright. Not that he would tell him if he wasn't anyway, Kíli didn't need to know that and carry the burden of knowing that his older brother was getting close to going off the deep end again. He figured that he still had a few more months before he got really bad again.
And as long as he could continue to hide the fact that he had started back up his old habits from his friends and family he felt that he just might end up alright this time, even if he wouldn't be able to drag himself out of the hole he has once again started digging himself.
None of them needed to know. They just needed to be happy and not worry about him and his problems. They all deserved to be happy and he knew that as long as they were concerned about him relapsing and going back into that dark place again they wouldn't be. He only hoped for their sakes they would have learned to leave him well enough alone already. Not that that was likely since the lot of them were all as stubborn as hell and twice as determined to "help him".
They just didn't understand that they couldn't help him, that they didn't need to not did he want them to either. If only he were so lucky that they would get that into their thick heads. But unfortunately for him they were as stubborn as they come and just a oblivious to any subtle and not so subtle hints he dropped them.
He had it in his mind that they just pretended not to hear or understand him. Just the same he didn't really listen to them either, he couldn't truly concentrate on their words when the voices in his head always destructed him.
It was a shame being high of his ass didn't also make his normal hearing go away too because the pounding he suddenly heard at his door was driving away he much desired haze. Sure he was still mellowed enough to not be completely annoyed as he would have been otherwise had he still been clean but it was getting on his nerves and if who ever was banging on his door didn't stop in the next two minutes he was just going to say fuck it and give them two black eyes and possibly a cracked rib or two in retaliation for interrupting and ruining him.
He could already hear the voices begin to start back up in his head, even if they were mere whispers right now the haze in his mind not yet completely gone, or maybe it was who ever was still pending on his door yelling at him to open it up for them. He really couldn't tell and didn't care that he couldn't either.
Honestly he was wishing right now that he would have taken a bit more to make the effect stronger. However, with once final large loud *bang* signaling someone had busted open his door despite the four separate locks he had placed on it when he first moved in two years ago he was shoved quite roughly from his thoughts.
The sound of Bard and Ori's familiar voices along with the other familliar voices of a few of his other friends voices, Éowyn and Faramir both of whom he had met the first time he had been put in rehab, made him sit bolt right up and scramble to hide the empty syringes, belt, razor blade and bloodied tissues under the couch and to try and look normal not high as he really was. He couldn't have them know that he had failed to keep his promise to stay clean this time. He may not care what most people thought of him but he cared what they thought of him.
He just needed to hide the evidence of his failure and hope they wouldn't notice that he was hiding something from them or recognize the signs as they had done last time. Only when they all came into the living room where he was currently sitting on the couch concerned and worried looks for him all plastered on their faces did he realize that he was wearing only a pair of old tattered and worn shorts and a equally old and even more worn and oil stained white wife beater clearing showing off and revealing his weakness where they were displayed quite plainly for all and sundry to see.
Looking down at his lap resigning himself to not being able to hide it fir it was to late he couldn't bring himself to look up into any of their faces and see the dissapointment he knew he would see there. He didn't even look up when he heard Éowyn gasp in horror or Bard say his name in defeat nor did he look up or move a muscle to more than tense up his whole body when Ori and Faramir came to kneel I front of him.
He just couldn't do it.
He suddenly couldn't stand the thought that he had let them all down. He broke an important promise and for him, a person who use to pride himself in keeping his word to the people he had promised them the thought was nearly earth shattering with just enough force to bring back all the voices more clearly than they had sounded before he had relapsed.
He didn't try to move when Ori gently touched his cheek silently urging him to look at him and try to make him understand why he had given in now of all times. The only thing was, he could give him an answer. He could after all tell him that he had voices telling him to do it in his head, now could he? Yeah he could just see how well that would go over.
In the background he was aware of Bard talking to somebody on his cell phone but he found himself suddenly numb and couldn't find it in himself to care. He faintly realized that he was slipping into shock but he was already to far gone to stop himself from falling completely into it.
He wasn't strong enough to resist the gravity of it so how could he have been strong enough to keep a simple but important promise? The answer was that he couldn't.