Chapter Text
The first few days in Jackson passed in a haze for Joel. He’d wanted to leave the clinic immediately, go back to the house Tommy had set aside, desperate to be somewhere without people around, able to hole up and lick his wounds in private. But the doctor had been concerned about infection still, and wanted to keep him for observation.
He’d known he’d lost the minute the words “infection” passed the doctor’s lips. Ellie’s eyes had gotten wide and fearful, and she had nodded, before turning to Tommy and demanding a cot and their bags.
If Joel had felt a bit more connected to his body, he might have smiled at the look on his brother’s face. As it was, he was drifting again, had been since he’d felt hands on his arm holding him down. He remembered Ellie, telling him he was safe, asking if he trusted her, and he did, but there were hands on him, and then pain, and he thought maybe his mind had re-shattered along with his wrist.
When Tommy left the room, casting a final worried look back at Joel, Ellie sighed like the weight of the world was on her shoulders. She’d already kicked out the medical personnel, so they were alone, and she pulled a chair up to sit next to him, reaching out to take his good hand in her own. It was funny, Joel thought numbly, how automatically she’d done it. If he’d had any money, he’d’ve bet it that she’d never sat next to someone’s hospital bed before in her life. And yet, here she was, pulling up chairs and gazing down worriedly at him like a natural. What a fucked up world.
He realized belatedly that Ellie was saying something.
“Joel! Joel, are you with me?”
The answer was probably no, given how long it took him to remember how to move his mouth.
“Yeah,” he said instead.
She sighed in relief.
“Okay, cool. Just checking.”
Joel blinked, glanced around. Their stuff was there, piled by the door. He didn’t remember Tommy coming back with it.
___
Things got easier once he was cleared to leave the clinic. The last time Joel had been in anything resembling a medical clinic had been after Sarah – after he – Well. He’d been even more out of it than he was now, which he imagined had something to do with how often Tommy hovered by the door, held at bay by Ellie’s tense shoulders and determined scowl and hand resting on gun or knife.
Every time he drifted back to himself, Ellie was there, stationed between him and the rest of Jackson. From what he could tell, she had set up a cot between his bed and the door, and he was too grateful for her presence to even try to send her away.
Although he acknowledged to himself that maybe he should’ve, after he’d got up to use the bathroom during their first night back in their house and nearly tripped over her, sprawled in front of his bedroom door, gun beside her.
“Jesus, kid,” he exclaimed as she yelped awake, nearly fumbling the gun in her panic. “What’re you doing?”
“Keeping watch,” she answered defiantly. He raised an eyebrow at her less-than-attentive posture, and she scowled and moved to sit up properly. He sighed.
“Go to bed. I’ll take second watch.”
If he’d guessed earlier that she’d want to take watches, he could’ve offered to take first watch too. He hadn’t been able to sleep anyways.
___
Joel had known Tommy would have questions. Didn’t mean he’d figured out what his answers were gonna be.
It was the next day when Tommy finally cornered him.
Getting Ellie to leave him alone, even long enough for her to take a shower, had been hell. A part of Joel was frustrated by it, sick and angry at himself for even seeming like he might need protection from a fourteen year old. The other part of him, though – the part of him that was hyper-aware that he could still barely walk, certainly couldn’t fight, and was weak, vulnerable, surrounded by strangers – was grateful beyond words.
Tommy showed up so quickly after Ellie went upstairs that Joel felt his skin crawl. The front door had opened, and Joel had felt his pulse spike, had grabbed the gun before he relaxed slightly at Tommy’s voice calling his name.
“In here,” he replied, knowing there was no avoiding his brother now.
Tommy’s house, Joel knew, was across the street from this one. He reached across the back of the couch, grunting as he strained his side, to yank at the curtains. When he settled back, Tommy was standing in the living room door, and Joel didn’t miss the flash of guilt on his face as he glanced at the now-closed curtains.
“You might as well sit down,” Joel said.
Tommy did, but was speaking almost immediately, before he’d even leaned back in the chair. He had, Joel acknowledged, done an impressive job controlling his curiosity up to now. That or, more likely, Ellie had torn into him for being nosy while Joel had been too out of it to notice.
“What the hell happened out there, Joel? Did you find the Fireflies?”
The thing was, Joel knew he owed Tommy answers. Especially since he’d been willing to take Ellie for him, knew the importance of what they were trying to do. He sighed.
“They weren’t there – cleared out. Looked like they were headed to Salt Lake City.”
“And?”
Joel clenched his jaw, looked away. “And then I got stabbed. Too fucking old, too fucking slow.”
“Joel, I saw the bruises,” Tommy said gently. Joel tried not to flinch. Could be Tommy just meant the bruising on his torso, but he doubted it. The boot treads on his forearm and the hand prints around his wrists were far more damning, and were clearly identifiable still, standing out in sickly greens and yellows.
He swallowed. At least maybe now Tommy would understand why Joel – why he couldn’t – Tommy had been willing to take Ellie before, but Joel knew it was because he’d begged him to, not because Tommy had believed him when he said he was getting old and weak. Maybe now Tommy would get it. Maybe he’d truly understand now that Ellie wasn’t safe with him.
“After she got us away, Ellie had to sew me up. I tried to get her to leave, Tommy, I tried. She wouldn’t do it. Wound got infected. She ran into these guys, traded for medicine – but they were the same guys that had come after us in the first place.”
Tommy winced visibly.
“I know,” Joel agreed. She should’ve just left him. Without the pressure of taking care of him, she could’ve avoided David and his men altogether. “She got the medicine, but they followed her back. She tried to lead them away, but they doubled around, found me. I was so fuckin’ outta it, Tommy. I didn’t even know they were there, was dreamin’ of Sa –”
His voice broke on her name, and Tommy shifted, took a breath. But Joel kept talking. If he didn’t tell this story now, he wouldn’t tell it at all. And suddenly he needed Tommy to understand how truly and completely he had failed, how horribly bad it had all gone.
“I couldn’t even fight them. Too fuckin’ sick, and weak. There were six of them, and they – I was just laying there on the ground, and – I thought they were gonna tear me apart, Tommy. She killed them. She killed all of them, to save me.”
Silence in the room.
“She’s having nightmares.” Joel hadn’t meant to say that part aloud.
“About killing them?” Tommy asked.
“No,” he whispered. He wasn’t the only one with a habit of talking in his sleep, and he had spent endless minutes each night on the road, and then again the night before, listening to her beg for him to get up, beg for David to stop hurting him. And every time he heard her, he froze, unable to move, hardly able to breathe, too paralyzed and ashamed and sick with himself even to wake her.
“About what, then?” Tommy asked.
“She saw things she shouldn’t’ve had to see.” He was still whispering, couldn’t bring himself to speak louder.
Tommy’s eyebrows drew together, confused, and he shifted forward in his seat.
Joel looked away, eyes fixed on the far wall. It would be good, he realized distantly, to tell Tommy this. It felt – like setting aside a lie he’d been telling for as long as he could remember. That he was gonna rescue Tommy, that he could keep Tess safe, that he could keep Ellie safe. Like he was some big fucking hero. It had all been a lie since the moment he’d held Sarah in his arms in front of that soldier, and hadn’t known what to do.
“One of them – he – she’d lured the others away, but I was too fucking weak to fight off even a single guy.” Joel swallowed. He thought he might choke on his own self-loathing. “He – he was – he had me down, and he was on top of me, and he – he was –”
The words were stuck in his throat, but Joel could see, even out of the corner of his eye, the moment realization hit Tommy. His brother jerked in his seat, reeling backwards as though he’d been slapped, and Joel heard his breath catch, saw his mouth open in surprise.
You get it now. You see how badly I failed her. How badly I failed myself, and you, Tess, Sarah – anyone who ever trusted me, who ever thought I could keep them safe.
“She killed him before he could – before – but – his hand was – and our pants – she would’ve been able to see it from the stairs, I’ve thought about the angles, I know she would’ve. She knows what was happening, she’s not stupid, but she also saw it . And I had just – given up. I just – lay there, and let him – I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling his hands – and she saw – ”
“Joel. ” Tommy’s voice was soft with horror.
“Do you understand, Tommy? I’m broken, I’ve been broken, since – since – for years, you know I have. But it didn’t matter before, and now it does, because I’m supposed to protect her, but I can’t even protect myself. And now you know it, and she knows it –”
“Joel, that’s not –”
“Don’t tell me it’s not true, Tommy, you know it’s true. I’m broken, and now she’s seen it, and I don’t know what to do –”
“I doubt she sees it that way, Joel. Have you talked to her about it?”
“What?” Of all the things Joel had imagined Tommy saying, this had not been on the list.
“Have you talked to her about it?” Tommy repeated patiently. Joel blinked at him.
“She’s just a kid, Tommy, I can’t –”
“Sounds like she already saw it, Joel. Already experienced it. Talking about it can’t hurt her, not when it’s already happened. Will probably help her, though, especially since she’s so on edge. Might even help you.”
Joel blinked at his brother. Shook his head.
“Tommy, I can’t –”
“Joel,” Tommy sighed. He looked pained. “You can’t protect her from something that’s already happened. You can only help her through it, and the way to do that is to talk to her. Be honest with her.”
Joel could only stare. He couldn’t… he couldn’t…
Tommy gave him a sympathetic smile. “Try it, big brother,” he said, standing up to leave.
Joel blinked at him again. Was that… all? Was that all Tommy was gonna say? Did you hear me, Tommy? Joel almost asked. Did you hear what happened? But he knew that Tommy had.
Still, his little brother smiled at him, and no matter how hard Joel looked, he couldn’t see any disgust or disappointment in Tommy’s eyes.
At the scrape of Tommy’s chair, there were footsteps on the stairs, breaking through Joel’s bafflement. He turned to scowl at the door as Ellie came into view.
“Long shower,” he remarked pointedly.
“You seemed busy,” she answered, glancing between him and Tommy.
He sighed, fighting the urge to bury his head in his hands. “How much of that conversation did you hear?”
She had the grace to look at least a little guilty. “I didn’t listen! You can’t hear actual words from the top of the stairs. Just – I wanted – just in case – if you, like, yelled, or something. I would’ve been there.”
Christ, this kid. Tommy gave him a meaningful look, but stepped in before Joel had to think of a response.
“I get it,” he said easily, smiling at Ellie. She looked at him suspiciously. “Joel was just tellin’ me a bit of what you guys have been through. You don’t know me – I get why you’re jumpy. I’m glad my brother’s got someone like you watching his back.”
Ellie looked even more suspicious at this compliment, but Tommy kept his face open, held her gaze. After a moment, she nodded at him, relaxing slightly.
Joel didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry at these serious negotiations over his safety. Ellie shouldn’t have to worry about this shit. It should be him, vetting every man who came within a mile of her, not the other way around.
Still, he couldn’t help but notice that she stood a bit straighter, more sure of herself, as Tommy walked out of the house.
___
Hands on him. Touching him, holding him. Gentle, intimate. Terrifying.
A voice, screaming in the distance. Begging him to get up, to fight. Begging the hands to stop hurting him, to stop tearing him apart from the inside out.
He was naked, he realized. Exposed. Defenseless.
Vulnerable.
Help me, he wanted to beg. Help me, I can’t fight this, I don’t want this, please don’t —
He couldn’t open his mouth to speak. It was clamped shut, holding everything back. He was certain, all of a sudden, that if he opened his mouth, it would all come pouring out — he would start screaming and never stop. Twenty years of agony.
Sarah was in his arms. He blinked in the blinding light. A soldier’s voice.
Helpless.
Sarah was gone. The soldier stood over him, gun pointed at his head.
Please, don’t.
Hands on him. Touching.
Please, don’t.
He couldn’t move, couldn’t fight.
He was so scared.
When he jerked awake, the fear didn’t leave him.
___
The thing is, Joel knew he wasn’t okay. His hands shook, even worse than they had last time they’d been in Jackson. He was hardly sleeping, and the nausea that hit him every time he thought of what had happened made it hard to eat. That wasn’t even including his physical injuries, how his entire body ached with bruises and stiffness, and how he moved slowly, painfully, even while his mind whispered on repeat things like weak and old and useless.
He can’t hurt me. Look at him. David’s voice, in his head constantly.
He felt weak. Exposed. Was terrified of what would happen to Ellie when he inevitably failed her again. Was terrified of what would happen to him, too, but he couldn’t – he couldn’t –
He brought it up at breakfast one morning, after they’d been in Jackson for about a week. They were in their kitchen, since Joel still couldn’t handle the large crowds of the dining hall and Ellie wasn’t faring much better, glaring at anyone who even looked towards them and fingering her knife. Tommy had been bringing them food, occasionally accompanied by Maria.
Joel put down his fork with a sigh. “Listen, if something ever happens to me –”
Ellie’s head jerked up so fast he thought she might get whiplash. He didn’t miss the way her hand automatically darted towards the knife in her pocket.
“What would happen to you?” she asked, voice tense, glancing around the kitchen as though an Infected – or worse – was about to spring from the woodwork. “Nothing’s gonna happen to you.”
He raised an eyebrow at her, amused despite himself. “Did you just have the same few weeks I did, or…?”
She grimaced, looking away.
“Tommy and Maria would take you in,” he continued, trying to keep his voice casual. “I’ve already talked to them. They’ll take you to the Fireflies, but – not just that. After, too. If you want. You could live with them, have a little sibling, all of that. Grow up here. They’ll do right by you.”
She was staring at him again. “Joel, what the fuck,” she whispered. She sounded horrified.
“Listen, I’m just saying. You’ll have a home, no matter what.”
“Joel,” she said slowly, looking at him like he was a horse that might spook. “Why are you saying this?”
He didn’t know how to explain to her that he felt like he could die at any moment. Even though they were in Jackson, and they should be safe. He didn’t know how to explain how much worse this was even than right after the Outbreak, because then he hadn’t cared if something happened to him, not really. He’d drifted along, never quite there enough to be afraid. As the years had gone on, surviving had been more of a habit than anything else. And now – since Ellie – since David – he was afraid for himself, and the feeling was so unfamiliar that it left him reeling.
He sighed, unsure how to explain any of that, but knowing what it boiled down to. “You should’ve gone with Tommy in the first place. You’d be with the Fireflies by now.”
He couldn’t entirely read the expression on her face, but he could see the hurt in it. Still, her voice was dead level when she answered him. “No, Joel. If I’d gone with Tommy, he’d be dead now.”
Joel blinked at her, completely baffled by her logic. “What are you talking about?”
“Tommy would be dead, Joel. Because Tommy’s a person, just like you, and shit happens to people, okay? And I couldn’t have –” A tear slid down Ellie’s cheek, and she wiped it away angrily. Joel wanted desperately to reach out, to comfort her. “I couldn’t have done – what I did, okay? I couldn’t have fucking done it for Tommy, alright, Joel? So Tommy would have been dead, and maybe David’s goons would have gotten me – he wanted me alive, you know that? But the others wanted to kill me, so maybe I’d be dead too, because I couldn’t have – Do you hear me, Joel? I couldn’t – for him – but for you – you – ”
“I’m sorry,” he said miserably. “I’m sorry you had to kill for me, I’m sorry we didn’t reach the Fireflies, I’m sorry you had to make that choice.”
“It wasn’t a fucking choice! ” The words sounded like they had been torn out of her, so loudly and forcefully that they left a ringing silence behind. Ellie took a deep breath, clearly struggling for control. “It wasn’t a choice,” she repeated again, marginally more calmly. “Just like it wouldn’t have been a choice for you to leave me, if David had gotten me instead, or to keep moving towards Salt Lake City, if I were the one hurt and maybe dying.”
The very thought sent a chill through Joel’s heart.
“We’re a team, okay?” she whispered.
Failure, his brain whispered. She’s just a kid. You’re supposed to protect her from this shit. Anything else, and you’ve failed.
But she was looking at him like she was scared of what he’d say next. And he knew what she needed from him, just as surely as he’d known what Sarah needed when she’d come to him with a skinned knee or a bad grade.
Ellie wasn’t – Joel swallowed – she wasn’t Sarah. She wasn’t a kid from before Outbreak Day. Hell, she wasn’t even a normal kid from after the Outbreak. Tommy’s words came back to him: You can’t protect her from something that’s already happened. She’d already been through so much, had to do so much, both during and – he knew from dark hints, from the bite mark on her arm – before their little road trip.
Slowly, he nodded at her. Swallowed back the lump in his throat. He could do this for her, if this was what she needed.
“Yeah,” he said. “We’re a team.”
She nodded at him. “Good.” Blinked rapidly, like she was trying not to cry some more. “‘Cause I don’t know how to do this without you.”
“Me either, baby girl.” The endearment left him so easily he hardly noticed it – some of the truest words he’d ever spoken.
___
Being a team, of course, was easier said than done.
Joel was doing better, he thought. Mostly. His body was healing, at least, even if his hands still weren’t steady and he felt phantom touches on him whenever he lay down for too long. He still woke from nightmares each night, then took over watch from Ellie when he inevitably found her sitting outside his door.
They went to the mess hall once, and it was miserable even before someone brushed against Joel’s back when he was sitting at the table, and he immediately froze, his hands going numb even as he heard, distantly, the clatter of a fork hitting a plate. There were hands on him, manhandling him, dragging him, tearing him apart, all so that David could play with the pieces –
“Joel! Joel, look at me! Joel!”
Men’s laughter as he choked on air, failing to breathe through the pain.
“Joel!” He blinked distantly. The blob in front of his eyes was coming into focus, but he jerked back before his brain could fully make sense of it, before it could morph into six men standing over him, laughing and kicking and hurting and –
“Joel, it’s me. Look.” Ellie’s voice. Joel blinked once, twice. Slowly, his eyes brought the blob into focus. Ellie’s face.
But where – Too bright to be the basement. He blinked again.
Tommy’s face, in the background. Eyes locked on him. Looking stricken. Joel wanted to hide, to never be seen again.
Right. Jackson.
His first coherent thought was at least I didn’t let Ellie bring her gun today. Although he knew she could do plenty of damage with that switchblade. Hopefully whoever had set him off was still in one piece.
“Joel, can you hear me?”
“Yeah.” His voice was gruff, but Ellie didn’t blink at his tone.
“Ready to go back to the house?” she asked, sounding so fucking competent that he thought the guilt would cripple him where he sat. What would Tommy and Maria think, seeing him so fucking useless that his little girl had to take charge?
Still, Joel nodded. He had his bad wrist tucked against his chest, he realized. He dropped it hurriedly, even though it left him feeling exposed, vulnerable.
“Tommy’ll bring you back some food.” Maria’s voice. Her pity, especially when he knew she hated him for everything he’d done and everything he’d made Tommy do, was like curdled milk in his stomach.
“It’s fine,” Ellie answered, voice curt. “We’re fine.”
“Tommy’ll bring it anyway.” Maria’s voice was calm, implacable. Ellie cut her losses and didn’t argue.
By the time they made it back to the house, Joel was mostly back inside his body, and the shame was making it hard to breathe.
Ellie was hovering, looking at him with concerned eyes, but he couldn’t – he couldn’t –
Have you talked to her about it?
We’re a team.
He pretended not to notice the hurt on her face when he went into his room and shut the door.
He felt David’s hands on him for the rest of the day.
___
The problem was, he could see it wearing on Ellie. He knew she wasn’t sleeping much, was still insisting on keeping first watch (“we both know you won’t wake me up for second,” which was true enough). He tried, a couple of times, to convince her that they didn’t need to take watches in Jackson, but it was hard to convince her when he barely believed it himself.
“Ya’ll’re looking more tired every time I see you,” Tommy remarked while dropping off food for them one day. “Does no one sleep in this house?”
Ellie scowled and Joel couldn’t meet his brother’s eyes.
Tommy sighed and mouthed talk to her when Ellie wasn’t looking.
After Tommy left, Joel sat on the couch next to where Ellie had camped out with a book Maria had brought her. He watched her read for a few minutes, until she started shifting in discomfort and shooting him confused looks.
She really did look tired, and stressed. And so, so much older than she had just a month ago.
Finally, Ellie shut the book to scowl at him. “Spit it out,” she demanded.
Perhaps not the ideal opening for this conversation, but Joel wasn’t gonna be picky. Didn’t think he could afford to anymore.
“How –” Deep breath. “How are you – doin’? With… everything.”
Her face shuttered before she looked away. “Fine.” A pause. “What about… you? How are you?”
Joel looked at her helplessly. Be honest with her, Tommy had said.
Joel swallowed. Looked down at the coffee table in front of him.
“I’m…” He clenched his hands together, trying to steady himself. Suddenly, the feeling of David’s hands nearly overwhelmed him. “I’m… not great.”
He could feel her gaze snap to him. Her body nearly vibrated with the intensity of it. He glanced sideways, met her eyes. Wanted to look away, but clenched his jaw, didn’t let himself. Her eyes were huge, locked onto his face.
After a moment, she nodded. “Me either,” she whispered.
Joel didn’t know what came next.
“I don’t know how to do this,” Ellie whispered after a moment.
He opened his mouth to say me either right back at her, because at least he knew that much, but she beat him to it, kept talking.
“That was all I could think, after you were stabbed. When David –” Joel tried to suppress a shiver at hearing the name spoken aloud, didn’t think he totally managed it – “and his goons came after us. I don’t know what to do. I was so scared.”
“Me too, baby,” he whispered back.
“Scared?” she asked, sounding oddly hopeful.
“Yeah,” he said. “I was scared. Really, really scared.”
“The whole time?” she asked. Her eyes were locked onto his face now, oddly intent.
“Yeah. Well… at first I was confused, I guess. I’d been having this weird dream, about breakfast, with Sarah and Tommy. Pancakes. On Outbreak day.”
Ellie’s eyes were wide, and he knew it was at his mention of Sarah. He moved on, before the memories of seeing her face – only clear in his dreams, these days – could overwhelm him.
“Anyways. Uh. Took me a minute, after I woke up, to figure out what was happening. But… yeah. Then I was scared.”
“Of what?” Her voice was nearly a whisper.
Be honest with her. The words felt like lead in his mouth. “Of what they would do to me. Of what they would do to you. That I couldn’t fight them, even when I tried.”
“I was scared they’d already killed you,” Ellie said, so quiet he could hardly hear her. As though she thought the universe would make it true if she spoke too loudly. “That I was already too late.”
“You weren’t. You got to me in time.”
“Not really.” He could hear the shame in her voice.
“Ellie, look at me.” Her eyes met his hesitantly. “I’m here, I’m alive. I’m gonna be fine. You did get to me in time, okay?”
And Joel was somewhat surprised to find that he maybe even believed it himself.
“Okay,” she whispered, still holding his gaze.
“I’m sorry I checked out on you, afterwards.”
“‘S okay,” she said, glancing down slightly.
“Nah,” he replied. “Not very team-player of me.”
She glanced up at that, and he recognized the hopeful, awed light in her eyes from the moment he’d first handed her that gun, all the way back in Kansas City.
“And I’m sorry we had to come back to Jackson. I’m sorry –” He choked, for a moment, on the guilt. She had been through so much, and now they were back here, all because of –
“Nah,” she said, and he could recognize her mimicking his drawl, saw the beginnings of that shit-eating grin pulling at the corner of her mouth. “Wouldn’t have been team-player of me to keep going, with you all out of it like that. Think about how unequal the shooting competitions would have been, even with you cheating with that stupid scope of Tommy’s. I’m trying to set a good example for you.”
“Yeah, yeah, you little shit,” he muttered, not bothering to hide his smile. Her grin broke free then, and her whole face crinkled with it. It was the youngest, the lightest, she’d looked since before he’d been stabbed. Maybe since before Kansas City.
For the first time in weeks, Joel realized, he couldn’t feel David’s hands on him at all.
“I’m so proud of you, baby girl,” he told her, voice breaking slightly on the words. She blinked at him, looking startled. “You did so well. You saved me, you saved yourself, and I am so proud, okay?”
“I’m proud of you too,” she whispered after a moment, tucking her grin away now that the conversation was serious again. Still, Joel could see it in her eyes, waiting to come out.
Then her words sank in.
“Huh?” he asked, helpfully.
She looked away then, clearly as uncomfortable with this conversation as he was.
“I know you’re, like… angry at yourself. That you didn’t fight them enough or whatever,” she began, and Joel’s breath hitched. Ellie kept talking. “But… I thought you were gonna die, when you got stabbed. Anyone else would’ve died, Joel, I know that. You thought you were gonna die, too, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.” The word was nearly a whisper.
“But you didn’t. I don’t care if you fought them. I care that you didn’t die. Even though you thought you were gonna, and even though you were scared. You didn’t fucking die on me. You’re, like… the only person who’s ever done that before. That’s… that’s why I’m proud. To, like, know you or whatever.”
And what the hell was he supposed to say to that? Your standards are too low, kid? Clearly not, if he was the only one who’d ever met them, and barely at that.
In the end, he glanced up at her, nodded. Couldn’t say anything around the lump in his throat, but she seemed to understand. Nodded back.
___
That night, they compromised on sleeping arrangements. No watches, but Ellie would sleep in his room, like they were still on the road. Joel had tried suggesting a sleepover downstairs, but Ellie had told him in no uncertain terms that he was getting old and needed to sleep in a bed.
That was, unfortunately, hard to argue with.
Still, he realized somewhat guiltily that the solution had been obvious, and he should have thought of it ages ago. If he hadn’t been so busy trying to pretend he was actually sleeping at night, and not jerking awake from nightmares and then staring at the dark ceiling for hours at a time, it would have occurred to him that this was what she’d needed. Just – to see him safe.
It was, he thought, as he felt his body truly relaxing towards sleep for the first time since they’d reached Jackson, possibly what he’d needed too.
“Joel?” Her voice was quiet, but he knew that she’d turned towards him on the bed, angled towards his good ear.
“Mmm?”
“Can I ask you something? And you… won’t be mad?” Her voice was anxious, and Joel rolled onto his back, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye. He braced himself for some horribly devastating question about David.
“Of course I won’t be mad, baby.” Neither of them had acknowledged the pet names, but sometimes she smiled when he used them, which was as much encouragement as he needed.
“Okay, cool. Just… did… did you and Sarah and Tommy really have breakfast together on Outbreak day?”
Joel blinked, completely blindsided.
“Huh?”
“Just… you said, in your dream. But I guess I never thought about it before. Did Tommy, like, live with you or something? Did you always eat breakfast together?”
Joel opened his mouth, unsure what would come out, braced to choke on the words or to drift away from his body like he often did when he thought about Sarah. But, somewhat to his surprise, it didn’t happen. His eyes stung a bit, but the words came anyway, and didn’t even burn on their way out.
“Tommy didn’t live with us, no, but when he and I worked together, he’d pick us up in his truck in the morning, and we’d drop Sarah off at school before heading to the job site. He usually got there early and stole our food.”
“Huh. That’s really cool,” she whispered, smiling slightly.
Joel blinked. He guessed it was cool, to a kid like Ellie.
“So, you guys had pancakes on Outbreak day?”
“Uh…” Joel shoved away the guilt that tried to swamp him, even now. “No, uh, we were supposed to, but I’d forgotten to pick up the mix from the store. Good thing, too, since they think that kind of stuff was how the outbreak spread at first.”
Although he’d wondered before if it was such a good thing, or if it would’ve been easier all around if the three of them had been infected that morning. He hurried on from the thought.
“Sarah was gonna make me birthday pancakes – I don’t really like pancakes, though, so they were more for her and Tommy.”
“Dude, Outbreak day was your birthday? That’s, like, the shittiest luck ever.”
Joel choked on a laugh. “Don’t I fuckin’ know it, kid.”
A comfortable silence.
“You know,” Joel said eventually, “Someday, you and I can also eat breakfast with Uncle Tommy. He and Maria eat in the mess hall every morning. Something to look forward to.”
Something to work towards, he didn’t say. A tangible reward for some future time when he and Ellie could both stand the chaos of the mess hall.
“Uncle Tommy?” Ellie’s voice was a whisper, and Joel froze, realizing what he’d said.
“Uh…” he began, unsure of what, exactly, he needed to fix here.
“I’ve never had an uncle before,” Ellie interrupted him.
“Well, you’ve got one now. If you want one. Tommy loved being Uncle Tommy.”
He hoped she could hear the unspoken part of that, even if he couldn’t quite bring himself to say it yet: that, in this case, an uncle also came with a dad.
___
When Joel opened his eyes the next morning, it was to soft sunlight and Ellie’s snores and the taste of Sarah’s pancakes on his tongue, and he thought that maybe, just maybe, he could come back from this after all.