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“If you were a spy, would your code name be Agent Orange”
“Ren can you please focus on the fact that you are currently inside me”
~+~+~+~
“Are you looking forward to old age so you can have grey hair”
“Hold my data pad Mitaka”
~+~+~+~
“Hey Phasma”
“IGNORE him Captain”
“What do you call a good looking man with a redhead”
“NO”
“A hostage”
“REN”
“Save me”
~+~+~+~
“Hey Hux, what do extinct species and gingers have in common?”
“…”
“Not enough”
“……Do you see what I'm dealing with here, Supreme Leader”
~+~+~+~
“Is your birthday a constant reminder to your father of his failure to rid the world of the horrid ginger line”
“No, its a reminder of his failure to use protection when he cheated on his wife, but thanks for bringing it up”
“…..technically you brought it up”
“REN”
~+~+~+~
“Are you an expert on baked dough, Hux?”
“….Im going to say no”
“So you aren't a ginger bread man”
“…..I don’t even know what I expected”
~+~+~+~
“Did we base Starkiller on an ice planet so you could cut your sunscreen budget in half”
“Ren”
“…..burn”
“PHASMA”
~+~+~+~
“Why did the Force make me colorblind?”
“So you could focus on the dark side or some shit”
“So I could love you without wanting to throw up”
“….I don’t know if I should slap you or kiss you”
“did your father cheat on your mother with a carrot”
“….slap it is then”
~+~+~+~
“I hope you like your present Hux”
“….this is a box of hair dye”
“yeah, I wanted to get you something we could both enjoy”
~+~+~+~
“Hey Hux, what do you call a hot ginger?”
“I’m not enabling this idiotic behavior”
“Nonexistent”
“I’m not enabling this idiotic behavior”
~+~+~+~
“This has been a really nice evening Kylo, I really enjoy these moments when we can just step away from the job and enjoy each other.”
“You ever considered telling people that your strawberry blonde, they might like you better that way?”
“….well, it was nice while it lasted”
~+~+~+~
Hux has had ENOUGH. Everyday, every single damn day, Ren insulted him in front of anyone and everyone. His crew, his fellow officers, the Supreme Leader. It might not be so bad if he'd focus on something else besides his fucking hair.
Hux got it, he's a ginger. It wasn't like Ren was doing something new. Hux had heard every fucking ginger joke that had ever been thought of.
Hux thought he had built up a resolve to them, but something about Kylo fucking Ren got to him. Maybe it was because he and Ren where….together, and he was supposed to be on Hux’s side. He was supposed to punch people that made fun of him, not join them.
Asshole.
It was time to take action. Hux sat with his data pad in his lap, a search engine pulled up on its screen. He'd been taught in the academy that it wasn't the wisest decision to fight fire with fire. It was best to leave the idiotic comments alone.
Fuck the academy.
Hux wanted to be an arsonist.
~+~+~+~
Hux could feel the anticipation crawling under his skin. Ren was set to arrive any minutes now for his 3 o’clock insult.
As if on cue Hux heard the fall of heavy boots behind him. Hux didn't turn to greet him, because fuck him thats why.
“Good evening General, have you blinded anyone with your hair today?” The knight said from his standing position at his side. Hux suppressed a smile. Hux is forever grateful that Ren’s hideous mask had been lost along with Starkiller, now the crew would be in on his jokes.
“I’m surprised you can even see my hair past that mountain you call a nose” Hux quipped. Silence fell over the bridge. Only small bloops and bleeps could be heard.
“…..excuse me” Ren said, barley above a whisper. Hux turned to face the knight. Ren looked MAD.
Excellent.
“Didn’t hear me? I’m surprised by that, especially since you've got two satellite dishes on the sides of your head” Hux said. A gasp or two rang out on the bridge. Mitaka accidentally let slip a snort of laughter, and soon felt a invisible hand snake around his throat.
“Hux” Ren said in a low tone. Hux scoffed at Ren’s attempt to intimidate him. Like strangling Mitaka and talking low was scary.
“Yes Dumbo” Hux responded. Ren was silent with rage.
“See I like that insult because it has layers. It makes fun of your big ears, and elephants have big noses so it takes care of that as well. Plus it implies that you’re an idiot” Hux explained and Ren’s face began to grow red with rage. Most if not all of the bridge had descended into giggles at this point, which only made Ren’s embarrassment grow.
“Hey Ren, has anyone ever told you that you look like your father?” Hux said. The bridge didn't giggle, because the joke wasn't obvious, but Hux knew this would sting worst than all the others. Ren’s face fell, like he hadn't been expecting it. His face hardened soon after and he left quickly.
Hux had won.
~+~+~+~
Hux hadn't seen or heard from Ren in almost two weeks. He was beginning to worry. Reports of damages to the ship had more than tripled. Strangling victims were pouring into the med-bay at the highest rate that the First Order had ever seen.
Ren was being a baby.
Hux had to put a stop to this. For the sake of his ship. If he didn't they’d be working with a skeleton crew and no equipment by the end of the week.
Hux stood outside the entrance to Ren’s quarters and hesitated to enter. He really didn't feel like being another one of Ren’s victims. However, duty trumps the need for personal preservation. Hux entered the override code into the nearby panel and the door whooshed open.
Hux stepped inside the utter WRECKED room. It looked like someone had bombed the place. Furniture was upended and fun everywhere, various versions of the same clunky robes where flung every which way, it smelled of chard…chard everything.
“If you don't get out of my room in the next five seconds I will decapitate you Hux” Said a voice coming from the direction of a large pile of sheet on the bed.
“How did you know it was me” Hux asked.
“I could hear your silent contemplation from outside my door. Your thoughts are so fucking loud” The pile said. Hux nodded.
“And yet you let me enter this….war zone” Hux said as he attempted to fold a nearby cowl. The pile remained silent.
“I’m only here to insist that you stop terrorizing my ship, and to request that you stop acting like an utter child” Hux said. The pile shuffled and suddenly Ren’s head popped out of it.
“a child” He questioned. Hux nodded.
“Men don’t tear apart ships and strangle people because someone bested them” Hux said as he finished folding and went to put it into the dresser.
“You didn't best me” Ren said. Hux scoffed as he placed the clothes in their drawer. As soon as they where in order, they flew out of the drawer and back onto the floor. Hux looked to Ren.
“And you say that you’re not acting like a child” Hux said as he slammed the drawer shut.
“Stop messing with my stuff” Ren shot back. Hux rolled his eyes.
“Ren, this is pathetic. You’re living in squalor. I understand that you were humiliated in front of the bridge, but this is a gross overreaction” Hux said. Ren huffed.
“It is not. You had no right to say what you said to me” Ren said at almost a shout.
“I HAD NO RIGHT. You must be joking. You’ve been insulting me for YEARS. Are you so insecure that you become a hermit the moment someone finally gives you a taste of what you've been dishing out” Hux yelled.
“DID YOU THINK I MENT ALL THAT SHIT” Ren yelled back.
“WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO THINK, YOU BUCKET HEADED IMBECILE” Hux nearly screamed. Ren’s angry expression soften.
“But…that’s what you do right” Ren said. Hux couldn't believe him.
“What the fuck are you talking about” He asked.
“That’s what you do….when you love someone…right” Ren asked. Hux was utterly confused.
“Are you completely stupid? Who fucking raised yo-“ Then Hux remembered. Kylo was born Ben. Ben Solo, the son of two of the most argumentative people in the galaxy.
Their own courtship hadn't been particularity….loving. Harsh words exchanged every time they'd ever spoken. Rarely ever speaking kind words.
He thought that this was normal.
“Oh Kylo” Hux said softly. Ren wasn't looking him in the face.
“I’m sorry. I didn't realize” Hux said as he approached the edge of the bed. Ren was fiddling with the corner of a flat sheet.
“Kylo, say something please” Hux said. Ren still didn't look up. Hux sighed with frustration.
“Ren, I know you can hear me. You’re ears make you look like a TIE fighter” Hux said. Hux saw a small smile grow across Ren’s face.
“This coming from the human equivalent of a carrot” Ren said back. Hux scoffed.
“You’re slipping Ren. You’ve already called my mother a carrot. I’ve come to expect more from you” Hux said. Ren finally looked up at Hux with a small smirk.
“I’ve had a bad two weeks. Cut me some slack” Ren said. Hux smirked as well.
“I’ll cut you some slack when you’re dead. In the meantime however I would like you to stop maiming everything that comes into your line of sight. Is that at all possible” Hux asked. Ren chuckled.
“I’ll try gingey” Ren teased. Hux rolled his eyes.