Chapter Text
It has been happening at random, people all across Edo reporting about the red string. String of Fate, it's called, or that's what they're all calling it, and stupid is what Gintoki thinks it is. It came out of thin air, just boom, started happening one day and has been passed off with the explanation of, "It's an Amanto thing." Foreign magic to hook humans up, like the aliens took over Earth to play matchmaker. Only in Gintama will you find something so absurd and still have it be completely plausible, however, that doesn't mean Gintoki is any less bemused by it.
See, ever since the first report, Gintoki took to staring at the TV with an unwavering fixation – like, he didn't even blink – whenever Ketsuno Ana was on. He'd keep his hand raised and bounce in his seat, waiting for the red string to appear because they're meant to be together, he knows it! But after three weeks of hearing about all the hundreds of people who experienced it – mostly good stories, some not so great ones – he sort of stopped paying much attention to the whole thing.
That doesn't mean he stopped thinking about it though. It isn't on his mind all the time or anything, but, frankly, it's impossible not to think about it when someone goes running by with their hand raised, screaming as they follow their string, which is invisible to all others. It's to the point where it's starting to get a little annoying and, to be clear, it's not annoying because his own hasn't appeared. He's fairly convinced he won't get a string, not because he hasn't been paired with the weather girl yet, but because... well, he just doesn't think that... actually, never mind, okay? Forget that, just know that he's not expecting any red string to be magically appearing around any of his fingers.
Though, he does have to wonder what kind of person he'd find at the end of his string. Ketsuno Ana is his first choice, but he can picture it being a big breasted widowed housewife too. Or some hot soccer mom or one of the beautiful models he sees in ads around Edo. Maybe even –
No, back to the point, yeah, it's getting annoying. It's been weeks and the whole stupid thing hasn't died down yet, it just keeps spreading and spreading like some unavoidable epidemic. It doesn't happen to kids or anything, best estimated range is twenty to sixty. No one has been showing up at graves or some fucked up shit like that. Gintoki had heard through the grapevine of speculation that the string connects a person to the nearest most compatible being. It has become a plague! And Gintoki is tired of the kids looking at him expectantly every time they see him, it has gotten so bad he sometimes avoids the apartment altogether just to spare himself. Especially from Kagura's unerring question every time he sees her, "Gin-chan! Did your red string appear?"
The answer is always no.
And, get this, he may have grown weary of waiting on Ketsuno Ana, but Sarutobi, she hasn't backed off in the least. She's around all the time! She hunts him down, follows him around, appears in the apartment, descends from the ceiling, rolls out of the cabinets, becomes a pachinko machine, slithers from under tables, there's no escaping her! The worst is thinking he's managed to slip away, then he'll find natto smeared on something and constantly be paranoid that she'll teleport out of nowhere. He knows what she's hoping for, it's obvious, but everyone wants things and a lot of times wanting just isn't enough.
He's tired of the whole red string thing, time to shift to something else. He's been having a good, lazy day and Kagura is happy because he's been with her for a majority of it. They haven't been doing anything of note, just spending time around the apartment watching trash TV and eating all the junk food they can scrounge up from their near empty pantry. Shinpachi had stopped by earlier to make breakfast, but since then went back to the dojo to help Otae clean or something. Gintoki had painstakingly uninvited himself to that and Kagura had opted to join him.
The day comes and goes like that, but by nightfall, right around the time he's putting Kagura to bed, his blood starts to ignite. By the time she's asleep, he's burning up and it's not a feeling that can be doused by self-service, he knows it. This happens sometimes, his body roars and yearns for release like an itch he can't scratch himself. Since it's been almost a week since last went on the prowl, he puts on his boots and dons his sword. It'll be quick, he'll be back before morning and Kagura will never know he'd gone anywhere.
The trick when he goes out is avoiding Sarutobi because she's always lurking around somewhere in waiting. Unfortunately for her, Gintoki never sleeps with people he knows, that would just be weird to him. He likes to venture out into the dark, dirty, grimy parts of the district and get lost there for awhile. He doesn't have to think about anything, he can vanish unnoticed for a time. And when he passes some Shinsengumi members on patrol when he's on his way into the darkness, he can only smirk because they've got no idea what's on his agenda.
-o-O-o-
Weeks pass this way and Gintoki barely notices their passing. He's happy with what he does, his Odd Jobs with the kids, his Jump, his soaps, his occasional outings for romps with nameless partners, his drinks with madao, his life, he's got a great thing going.
That all changes, though, when the red string inevitably happens to him.
He's just walking along minding his own business when he jerks to a halt and thinks he can now commiserate with how a rubber band might feel when stretched to absolute capacity. He feels too big for his body, ready to burst at any moment, he's fucking suffocating for no apparent reason. Looking down at the pressure on his pinky finger, he blinks owlishly at the red string wrapped tight around it and his mind goes blank.
Without a second's thought, Gintoki follows his string, brows scrunched, and he honestly can't believe this is actually happening to him. He almost wants to think it's an illusion, that this bud of excitement he's feeling is from the beer he had last night instead of this stupid string. And the more he walks, the easier it gets to breathe, isn't that strange? He walks as he normally would, aware that no one else can see what he sees and he's glad for that as he follows twists and turns up and down streets and roads until...
"Nooooo!"
"Nooooo!"
Gintoki's screech is mirrored by that of one – Toushiro Hijikata.
"No! You are not Ketsuno Ana!" Gintoki snaps, pointing an accusing finger at Hijikata and backing up a step. "No, no, no, no! This is a joke, right? Right?"
Hijikata's face is red, his cigarette crushed between his teeth and his eyes are bugging out of his head as he gives the string a shake from his hand. "I knew this t-thing was b-bullshit!"
Hijikata's shaking with fury and looks like he's a second away from going berserk, which doesn't bode well for Gintoki's immediate health. He can't think, can't even analyze what he's feeling right now other than get the fuck away this fucking instant. And the fates must hear him because in a burst of light, the string pulsates, then disintegrates away in a shower of red embers that give off no heat.
"There!" Gintoki exclaims. "See? It's gone! This – all this, it doesn't mean a damn thing!"
"Goddamn r-right it doesn't, bastard!"
"We tell no one!"
"T'ch, obviously!"
"Alright! We're done here! Bye bye!"
Gintoki takes off and doesn't look back, his heart beating to the tune of what he's feeling – no-no, no-no, no-no. He's honestly going to pretend that whole encounter hadn't just happened, he'll drink himself into a stupor and pass it off as a terrible hallucination. That didn't just happen, it didn't, didn't, didn't, didn't. He's in denial and he's staying there forevermore, fuck everything that just happened. Curse the string, goddamn Hijikata, to hell with the fates, and fuck everything.
He gets back to his apartment and storms in, stopping only at the kitchenette only to grab whatever alcohol he has stashed away. Then he's zipping right off to his room, a cold sweat on his brow and panic settling in his stomach.
"Gin-chan! Did your red st –"
"No, it didn't!" Gintoki screeches before she can finish and slams the door of his room shut with the final-est of final finals.