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Tanrak tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep.
He and Barth, after three days of running away to search for peace within themselves, had decided to go back to Magdalene Home to continue their studies. Unfortunately, they missed the last bus of the day, hence this “Paradise” motel was their temporary hideout while they waited for the earliest bus tomorrow morning to head back to school.
Tanrak kept on distracting himself with various thoughts in his mind when suddenly, the figure of the boy lying next to him crossed his mind.
Unconsciously, Tanrak reminisced about how his feelings for Barth had first blossomed—those ambiguous days that eventually led him to hand his heart over to the very incarnation of temptation.
Frame by frame, the past unfolded vividly before his eyes, sparkling like shattered crystal fragments drifting down the river of memory.
In the silent darkness of the motel room, Tanrak smiled. It was a moment of quiet reassurance: Barth was not a cruel tragedy sent to destroy his lifelong faith; rather, ironically, that boy was a miracle that God had quietly bestowed upon him.
Before Barth walked into his life, Tanrak was a soulless shell, a hollow existence living merely to wait for death to take him to Heaven so that he could reunite with his parents.
He was devout, yet his heart was cold to the world. Barth was the wild fire that burned away that ice, forcing him to truly live—to know pain, to feel longing, and… to love.
They first met on a torrential rainy day, when the sky over St. Magdalene was as grey as Tanrak’s lonely soul. Amidst the downpour outside, his numb heart was suddenly shaken by the appearance of a wild, rebellious boy who didn't seem to care about anything. Barth was like a wounded beast—possessing wild instincts and a deep-seated resentment toward God, stubbornly refusing to submit to anyone.
The rationality of a devout seminarian warned Tanrak to stay far away from this seed of rebellion, yet an invisible pull kept dragging him closer to him.
And so, Tanrak subconsciously found himself watching over Barth, caring for him in secret.
When he saw Barth struggling without a uniform shirt, he lent him one. When he noticed Barth had no soap or water ladle during communal baths, Tanrak waited until he turned his back to place them right beside the basin. When he saw Barth drinking water straight from the tap, Tanrak meticulously penned his name on a cute little green mug he got from the kitchen and secretly left it in Barth’s locker.
At the time, Barth took the mug and walked straight toward Tanrak a few lockers away without thinking twice, then asked, "Is this your handwriting?"
Tanrak’s hand, holding the Holy Bible, froze. He swallowed hard and averted his gaze. "Go change."
Barth raised his armpit to take a sniff, then looked at the delicate side profile of the boy in front of him. "Still okay."
"Hurry up. Free time is starting soon."
"I don't need to change. I'm fine going like this."
Tanrak shook his head, pinching his nose with his fingers.
"Hey. That’s so mean!” Barth chuckled immediately and nudged his shoulder. “How can you even say that to your friend?”
Tanrak glared at him: "Who’s your friend?"
Barth glanced at the mug and let out a faint smile, "If we're not friends, why'd you find me a mug?"
Tanrak shut his locker and looked at him with a helpless sigh: "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."
With that, he dragged Kongdech away from the changing room, leaving Barth looking back and forth between the small mug in his hand and the fading shadow of his only friend in this unfamiliar place.
The bond between them grew through small incidents.
That night when Barth was bullied into kneeling in the shallow water to gather his scattered books and pens with the help of Tanrak, both were unfortunately locked inside the pool area. In the bone-chilling coldness of the dark night, Tanrak decided to rest his head on Barth’s backpack, closing his eyes to try to make time pass faster.
Barth might not have known, but Tanrak obviously couldn't sleep a wink that night.
It was his first time breaking the seminary’s strict rules; how could he possibly rest peacefully when fear was intertwined with guilt?
Yet, it was precisely because he stayed awake that he discovered a little secret: Barth couldn't sleep either.
Truth to be told, Tanrak was exhausted. Usually, he kept a strict sleep schedule and rarely stayed up this late. From overthinking, his eyes grew heavy and his head began to droop.
Every time his head slipped off the backpack, a rough yet exquisitely gentle hand would quietly guide his head back into place. Each time it happened, Barth’s masculine scent filled his nose, making Tanrak’s chest heave intensely.
It wasn't that he had never received care from anyone—Kongdech cared about him a lot too—but why did this feel so vastly different?
Under the moonlight, Tanrak wondered: was this warmth a trap set by the devil, or the very protection he had craved his entire life?
Then came that fateful night behind the communal shower room. Everything changed completely—whether for better or for worse.
Tanrak knew he was no longer the soulless boy of the past. He had found love. He had his Barth.
Even though Tanrak’s mind was constantly at war with itself—even during the short break after Christmas when they had the entire dormitory room to themselves—the moment Barth whined to squeeze into his tiny single bed, pleading, "Please, Tanrak, we only have a few days like this..." Tanrak would give in.
Facing those wide, earnest eyes, Tanrak could do nothing but shake his head in defeat and let Barth climb onto the mattress with him.
At first, both lay very still.
Naturally, Tanrak couldn't sleep.
He was seriously contemplating whether following his heart and disobeying God was a mistake, when suddenly Barth turned and buried his face into the crook of Tanrak’s neck. That boy reached out and held Tanrak tighter in his arms.
Feeling Barth’s warmth and steady heartbeat, Tanrak smiled—bitterly, yet completely fulfilled.
He thought to himself that perhaps he had never chosen wrong. He might never make it to Heaven above, but at least he had found his own sanctuary right here on Earth, wrapped in these arms.
Just as Aunt Lek had comforted him earlier this afternoon: he could love God and love himself all at once.
Tanrak believed that God, in His infinite mercy, would not despise him. Because even in the most sinful or happiest moments of loving Barth, he had never forgotten his love for God.
He held Barth tighter and whispered a quiet prayer.
Those tender memory fragments played like a slow-motion film, soothing the suffocating reality around him. Right now, he was surrounded by colorful neon lights and an atmosphere that could not be more suggestive.
To say he was not embarrassed would be a lie. He was thin-skinned, nothing like the person lying just an arm's length away. From the moment they stepped into the motel, Barth had teased him endlessly—showing off condoms and lube, and even forcing him to look at adult magazines until Tanrak had to make a desperate run to buy water just to escape.
That annoying boy always knew how to make Tanrak’s face flush bright red, leaving Tanrak feeling flustered, angry, and utterly helpless, with nothing to do but turn away in sheer embarrassment.
Peeking at the person beside him, Tanrak pouted slightly, let out a soft “Hmph”, and raised his hand behind his head, intending to close his eyes and force himself to sleep. Otherwise, he’d be exhausted heading back to the church tomorrow.
Out of nowhere, Barth’s deep, warm voice echoed in his left ear: "Are you asleep?"
Startled, Tanrak fidgeted a little with his eyes squeezed shut, trying to keep his breath steady as if he were in a deep sleep. But his lips instinctively murmured, "I'm asleep."
Barth chuckled softly, tilting his head to look at him. "If you're asleep, how can you answer me?"
Feeling the intense gaze from beside him, Tanrak turned around with a sheepish smile. "Teasing me, huh?"
Seeing Barth just lying there smiling at the ceiling, Tanrak gave in. He shifted his body, sliding straight into Barth’s arms and wrapping his arms around him just as Barth always gently held him. Finding a comfortable spot against Barth’s shoulder, he let out a soft sigh and closed his eyes, surrendering to temptation.
"Damn..." Barth patted Tanrak’s arm gently, his deep voice playfully teasing. "A minute ago, you were acting so serious when we got in."
Tanrak immediately lifted his head in annoyance. "Hey, Barth..."
Was he calling him a hypocrite?
The smile on Tanrak’s lips faded. He released his grip. "Fine, I'm going to sleep."
Moving back to his side of the bed, he decided not to lie down. Instead, he sat up and looked back at Barth.
Little did he know, his eyes under the dim lighting looked irresistibly inviting, making Barth unable to resist sitting up as well.
Barth looked straight into his eyes, his voice raspy with emotion. "I feel like changing my mind."
Tanrak froze for a few seconds, completely missing his point.
Barth leaned closer, locking eyes with him. "Are you sure?"
Tanrak looked down at Barth’s moving lips, then back up into the eyes that always seemed to dig holes into his soul, his heart hammering against his chest.
"What about you?"
Barth nodded slightly, letting out a low, "Yeah."
All the courage Tanrak had mustered a few seconds ago suddenly vanished. He burst into a soft laugh, quickly grabbed the oversized collar of the shirt he had borrowed from Barth, and buried his face in it to hide his blushing cheeks.
Seeing him like this, Barth’s teasing nature instantly kicked in. His voice turned sweet as honey: "Tanrak... What's wrong? Tanrak, don't hide from me."
If he replied now, this guy would definitely tease him until morning. Tanrak tried to dodge his hands, but in the end, he was no match for Barth. Once again, he raised the white flag to the sweet call of love.
"Stop calling out my name like that," Tanrak mumbled in protest, his face slightly scrunched up.
Barth reached out, pulling Tanrak to face him, "Like what?"
Flustered, Tanrak’s eyes darted around. "Like..."
"Like how?"
"Barth..." Tanrak called out softly; his voice was a mix of embarrassment and helplessness.
Barth burst into a warm laugh and reached out to rub Tanrak’s head with utmost affection. "Alright, alright. I'll stop teasing my Rak. Hmm?"
The atmosphere around them suddenly softened. The close proximity intertwined their breath, and as their eyes met, an ambiguous spark ignited between them.
"I..." Barth looked at him with the most profound adoration in the world. "...love you, Tanrak."
Faced with this sudden confession, Tanrak answered without a moment of hesitation: "I love you too."
Though it was rare to hear those words from the shy boy, every single time it hit his ears, Barth felt immensely happy.
It was pure bliss to know that the person he loved returned that love with his entire heart.
Barth placed his hand behind Tanrak’s neck, gently pulling his little angel closer. With Tanrak expecting to have his own lips surrendered, Barth instead pressed his mouth against Tanrak’s smooth forehead.
The kiss landed with a strange sense of worship.
In the middle of a dim motel room flashing with pink and green lights—a place devoid of solemnity—that forehead kiss was so pure, it almost felt holy.
This rebellious soul who no longer believed in God was treating Tanrak like a devout worshiper before the only deity of his life. It was the absolute cherished respect, untainted by lust, because Barth wanted to wait for Tanrak’s response—to make sure he was completely ready before introducing the passionate world of desire that would follow.
Tanrak opened his eyes in surprise, his long eyelashes fluttering at the overwhelming tenderness.
He froze, feeling the warmth of the forehead kiss radiate throughout his body.
But that was the limit of Barth’s restraint.
The moment he sensed complete surrender in Tanrak’s eyes, Barth’s gaze darkened. Before Tanrak could react, Barth tilted his head, his lips decisively capturing Tanrak’s soft mouth.
Tanrak’s mind was floating on clouds the entire time.
He allowed Barth to guide him into tasting the forbidden fruit once more—only this time, it felt entirely different.
"Barth..." Tanrak’s voice turned liquidy.
The other answered him with a rain of gentle kisses on his cheek, along his jawline, and back to the tip of his nose. Barth’s warm breath fanned across Tanrak’s face like an intoxicating scent: "Tanrak, trust me. Hmm?"
Tanrak bit his lip and nodded, his hands tightening around Barth’s firm shoulders. However, the tension down below was still agonizing, causing his body to stiffen involuntarily.
It was such a strange sensation.
As someone who grew up in the solemn atmosphere of the seminary, Tanrak had not even experienced regular romance, let alone such bold, same-sex intimacy. He was completely overwhelmed, not knowing how to handle this intense emotion. And it was frustrating to admit that he trusted Barth to know everything and lead him down the right path.
Above all, he trusted Barth. He trusted that Barth would never do anything to hurt him.
Indeed, the wild, lost soul was now using every ounce of patience and gentleness he had accumulated in his life to slowly prepare Tanrak with the lubricant, easing him step by step to adapt to his presence.
Barth moved three fingers with extreme caution, feeling the tight, warm embrace of Tanrak’s body. He patiently rotated his fingers, pushing deeper while soothing him in a raspy voice: "Rak... relax, please."
Tanrak trembled uncontrollably, his toes curling from the unfamiliar pleasure mixed with sudden pain. He bit his lip hard to suppress any embarrassing moans, but his tear-filled eyes looking up at Barth held an innocent beauty that was utterly heartbreaking.
Noticing his tension, Barth did not rush. His rough fingers gently caressed the soft wall inside, stretching him bit by bit. When his finger accidentally pressed against a slightly protruding spot, Tanrak’s body jerked violently.
His eyes widened, his pupils contracting for a second before turning misty. A choked gasp escaped his tightly pressed lips.
Sensing the contraction, Barth stopped. Leaning close to his ear, his hot breath hit Tanrak’s flushed earlobe: "Is it right here?"
Tanrak shook his head frantically, but his hands clung around Barth’s neck.
"Tanrak?"
Heavy, rapid breathing.
"Tanrak?"
A deep intake of air.
"Does it hurt, Tanrak?"
Tanrak didn't know how to answer. He could only shake his head, releasing his hold on Barth’s neck to clutch the bedsheets. So tightly his knuckles turned white.
His expression shifted constantly—from endurance to confusion—until Barth intentionally caressed that spot once more. This time, Tanrak’s wrinkled eyebrows relaxed as a wave of numbing electricity shot straight to his brain, making him completely lose control.
His cheeks flushed a deeper red, and his lips parted like a flower blooming in the early morning. He let out a weak moan, a sound so sweet that even he was startled by it.
Tanrak quickly nibbled his own lips to suppress the sound.
Barth immediately pressed quick kisses to his tightened lips, "Come on, Tanrak. Let me hear you moan. Tanrak... don't bite your lips."
But Tanrak didn't dare to open his mouth.
Seeing his cute stubbornness, Barth chuckled softly: "Don't be scared, Rak."
Patience and tenderness brimmed in his lust-filled eyes.
"This spot..." Barth whispered while his fingertips were maintaining a gentle rhythm, "...is called the prostate."
Tanrak kept his eyes shut.
"It's the most sensitive spot for boys like us," Barth comforted him. "Listen to me, it's okay. Just relax and enjoy it. I'm right here with you, Tanrak."
The contrast between them had never been starker: Tanrak, pure as an angel, trembling as he received this new knowledge, and Barth, consumed by earthly desire, using his wild nature to guide the flower of the seminary.
Yet strangely, that earthly desire did not feel dirty at all.
Using absolute tenderness, it blended seamlessly with Tanrak’s holiness, creating the most reverent ritual of love.
Feeling that Tanrak was completely relaxed, wet, and adjusted, Barth slowly pulled his fingers out and hurriedly pushed his pants down.
Before Tanrak could react, Barth braced his hands on either side of Tanrak’s body, his gaze intense with desire yet surprisingly patient. He reached for the condom he had used to tease Tanrak earlier, holding it right in front of Tanrak’s face with a sly smirk on his lips.
"Put it on for me."
Tanrak gasped, his misty eyes widening at the square wrapper lying in Barth’s palm.
"Please?" Barth urged, pouting his chin.
Tanrak’s already flushed cheeks flared up as if on fire. He pushed Barth’s hand away softly, mumbling in defense: "I... I don't know how. Put it on yourself!"
"No. If you don't put it on, I'll just stay like this and keep teasing you." Barth leaned closer, his eyes playful yet full of affection. "Please? Tear it open. I'll teach you."
Seeing that this shameless guy refused to back down, Tanrak felt both helpless and embarrassed. Trembling, he used his fingers to tear the edge of the wrapper. Applying a bit too much force, the thin rubber ring slipped onto his palm, making him so flustered he nearly dropped it.
Barth took hold of Tanrak’s shaking hand, gently guiding it onto his bare, hot length.
The direct, raw contact made Tanrak jump, his heart feeling as though it might leap out of his chest.
"Position it this way... that's it. Now roll it down gently to the base. Easy, or I'm gonna get too turned on and cum right now," Barth whispered raspy in his ear, teaching him while taking the chance to kiss the angel's fiery red earlobe.
Tanrak bit his lip, trying hard to complete this agonizing task under Barth’s detailed guidance. Every time his fingers accidentally brushed against Barth’s burning skin, his heart skipped a beat.
Once the condom was fully over Barth, Tanrak pulled his hands back immediately as if he had touched fire, turning his face away to hide his shyness.
Barth let out a low, satisfied laugh at the cute expression. Leaning down close to Tanrak’s hiding face, he asked in a raspy voice, "Rak, can I go in now?"
"Don't call me that!"
Barth chuckled, lightly pinching Tanrak’s waist. "Tanrak..."
Tanrak was so mortified he wanted to squeeze his eyes shut forever. But still, he gave a firm nod, his hands instinctively gripping the bedsheets.
Having received a clear green light, Barth still was not about to let him off that easily. He positioned himself, letting the tip lightly touch the soft folds, forcing his little angel to feel his size before continuing his interrogation, pouring every word directly onto Tanrak’s ear: "You agree, right? Say it out loud for me."
"Mmm..."
This was pure torment!
Tanrak couldn't save himself now. He bit his lip and mumbled softly, "Mmh... Yes..."
With that, Barth slowly pushed the tip inside, feeling the intense tightness wrap around him. He let out a heavy breath, restraining his instincts to push it all in, and continued to whisper in a voice that was gentle yet utterly teasing: "Going in a bit further, okay? Can you take it, Tanrak?"
"I... I already said yes..." Tanrak was so shy he wanted to push Barth away and run straight to the bathroom. But remembering the transparent glass doors of the motel bathroom, he realized he had nowhere to hide. That made his whole body tremble—mostly from the surge of heat filling him up.
"I need to hear permission straight from your mouth before I move, Tanrak..." Barth took the opportunity to peck kisses along Tanrak’s smooth neck, inching forward millimeter by millimeter while relentlessly peppering him with questions, "I'm pushing all the way in, okay? Can you handle it? Does it hurt?"
The barrage of questions made Tanrak feel like he was about to explode from embarrassment. He couldn't take this verbal torture anymore. To shut the mouth that kept demanding consent, Tanrak gathered his remaining strength, proactively pulling Barth’s head down and pressing his lips against Barth’s to keep him quiet.
Barth let out an audible laugh as their mouths intertwined.
Barth got the answer that he wanted and held back no longer. He pushed all the way in, burying his burning heat deep into the heaven within Tanrak.
"Ah..." Tanrak couldn't help letting out a soft cry, wrapping his arms tightly around Barth’s neck.
"Does it hurt, Tanrak?"
Receiving a shake of the head in response, Barth began to move his hips.
At first, it was gentle, slow, and deliberate. Gradually, his thrusts took on a wild instinct. The sound of skin slapping skin and his heavy pants filled the dimly lit room.
Barth absolutely adored Tanrak’s expression at that moment. He gazed spellbound at those red cheeks, the sweat-glistening skin, and the innocent satisfaction on that angelic face as Tanrak gradually matched his rhythm.
Even as his body claimed Tanrak passionately, Barth never ignored his partner's feelings. Thrusting rhythmically, he lowered his head and whispered close to Tanrak’s ear seductively: "Do you like it, Tanrak?"
“Hmm?”
"Tell me, please?"
Tanrak felt like committing a crime when he faced these questions. He couldn't bear that gaze any longer. To escape it, Tanrak pulled Barth’s head down once again and offered his lips.
The deep kiss blended with the decisive thrusts below, sending them both plunging into a sea of ecstasy.
He loved kissing Barth. He loved the way their lips and tongues locked together, and he loved the intoxicating warmth when their breath merged as one. Most of all, he loved how every time they kissed, Barth would gently yet greedily swallow up the humiliated moans escaping Tanrak’s mouth.
Under the neon lights, their bodies clung together, bathed in a thin layer of sweat. The physical contrast was raw and intoxicating. Barth’s broad shoulders trembled with every thrust as he pressed against Tanrak’s fair, delicate frame.
Where their bodies met, it burned like fire; the steady sound of skin contact stimulated every sense of theirs to the absolute limit.
Faced with Barth’s intense, somewhat aggressive dive, Tanrak had no strength left to resist. His body went flexed, his toes curling against the sheets, before a violent shudder ran through him.
At that, he surrendered completely, releasing his white warmth across Barth’s stomach.
Barth’s veiny hand immediately moved up to stroke Tanrak’s back, his fingers tracing down the trembling spine. His voice was raspy, whispering sweet praise against Tanrak’s flushed ear: "Good, Tanrak. You came... Now let me hear you moan."
As he spoke, Barth playfully slipped two fingers between Tanrak’s tightly closed lips, gently prying his teeth open to force those seductive sounds out into the air.
Meanwhile, the relentless motion beneath Barth’s hips never slowed down. If anything, the tight contractions from Tanrak after reaching climax only stoked Barth’s wild instincts, making every deep thrust even more forceful. Every time he hit that sensitive spot inside, Tanrak’s entire body twitched, his eyes clouding over with overwhelming pleasure.
Barth was sprinting toward the finish line now. His thrusts became so fast and deep that Tanrak felt as though his body was splitting in two, his chest heaving with shallow breaths.
Weakly, he hooked his arms around Barth’s neck, his voice trembling in a plea: "Barth... please. I'm... I'm so tired..."
"Tanrak... Just a little more. Just a little more, hmm?" Barth whispered into his ear, his heavy breath fanning over sensitive skin.
Then, his hands moved down to grip Tanrak’s slender waist, holding him firm before driving in with all his strength, reaching the deepest point. His lips rubbed against Tanrak’s neck, humming affectionate calls over and over: "Tanrak... my Tanrak... Barth’s Tanrak..."
"Mmh... Barth. Barth... please..." Tanrak moaned brokenly, his hands clutching the bare, sweat-drenched back.
Barth poured everything into those final thrusts, filling Tanrak completely before letting out a low growl from his throat: "Tanrak, I'm coming."
Without waiting for permission, he released his warm love into the rubber barrier, wrapping his arms tightly around Tanrak as they both collapsed into the ultimate wave of ecstasy.
Their breathing gradually slowed, merging into the quiet stillness of the room.
Barth gently pulled out, quickly removed the condom, and tossed it into the trash. Looking at the exhausted angel in his arms—eyes closed, drenched in sweat, and covered in the marks of their passion—Barth couldn't hide his tenderness and concern.
Sliding his arms beneath Tanrak’s thighs and back, he gently scooped him up.
Startled, Tanrak immediately wrapped his arms around the other’s neck, his voice barely audible: "What... what are you doing?"
"How can you sleep like this?" Barth answered low, stepping steadily toward the bathroom.
Barth turned on the warm water, carefully adjusting the temperature before setting Tanrak down on the edge of the tub. His hands were extraordinarily patient. Using a soft wet towel, he slowly wiped away the sticky sweat from Tanrak’s cheeks and shoulders, then moved down to clean him gently.
Every action from Barth was profoundly tender, as if a little too much force would bruise this delicate flower. In contrast, Tanrak was too shy to raise his eyes, simply resting his head against Barth’s chest, obediently letting himself be cared for.
After drying him off and putting the oversized T-shirt back on him, Barth carried Tanrak back to bed. He pulled the thin blanket over Tanrak’s still-trembling body, climbed in himself, and pulled Tanrak into his chest.
"Exhausted?" Barth asked softly, softly brushing aside some hairstrands on Tanrak’s forehead.
Tanrak had no strength left to feel embarrassed. He snuggled comfortably against Barth’s chest, nestling deeper into the warm space where a rapid heart was slowly calming down. He gave a soft nod, his lips pressed together as he let out a faint sigh.
Barth smiled softly, pressing little kisses on Tanrak’s forehead, nose, and finally the corner of his lips. Reaching for the water bottle on the nightstand, he took a sip himself before gently transferring it using his own lips to Tanrak’s mouth to soothe his dry throat. His hand slid beneath the blanket, settling on Tanrak’s sore waist, slowly massaging it.
Resting his chin on top of Tanrak’s head, Barth whispered, "Go to sleep. We have to wake up early tomorrow."
Tanrak closed his eyes, listening to the rhythm of Barth’s heart right beside his ear.
He had never forgotten the Heaven high above the clouds, where God and his beloved parents were watching over him, waiting for his arrival. The desire to reach that place had never burned out in his heart. Yet right now, held tightly in the arms of the person he loved—feeling this warmth and absolute protection—Tanrak understood that God did not require him to endure loneliness or drain himself of earthly joy just to earn a ticket to Heaven.
In His rich mercy, God had sent Barth to his side, giving him a... miniature Heaven right in the middle of this tasteless world.
A peaceful sanctuary filled with love, which gave him the strength to keep walking on his path of faith.
He held Barth tighter and smiled serenely.
He would continue to love God, continue to look toward his parents residing in Heaven, and at the same time, hold tightly to this hand to walk through the rest of his days on Earth.