Archive of Our Own

It's Chris's fault really.

Eddie would do anything for that kid. Uproot a life he worked hard to make. Die for him if the circumstances required it. But one question he asked set Eddie’s entire world on fire.

The morning started out like any other. Breakfast was a bowl of cereal at the kitchen table. Chris had delayed start for a teacher in-service; they could at least have a moment together instead of rushing off to beat the L.A. traffic.

Chris releases a dramatic teenage sigh.

"You good?" Eddie asks as soon as he swallows his bite.

"I miss Buck's breakfasts," Chris stirs his bowl.

Eddie knows there's been some absence. Buck puts in effort so Chris would not feel sidelined. He's over a lot in the evenings with Theo, cooking dinner for the four of them, but Buck practically never stays the night given Theo needs his bedroom full of toys and clothes.

Eddie will have to ask Buck to bring Theo over weekend mornings. He can't deny he also missed the superior pancakes and eggs. Something he would not admit to Buck or Chris, but fact is fact.

They ate some delicious lasagna last night which Buck was gracious enough to leave as leftovers for the Diaz boys. Chris will be lucky if it survives Eddie's lunch.

Suddenly the front door swings wide open, in stumbling Buck with Theo clinging to one of his pant legs. Buck looks exhausted, heavy rings around his eyes, but Theo appears chipper as ever.

"Theo!" Chris yelps as the boy runs over and hugs him tight.

Eddie stands up to greet Buck, and give a little privacy to a parental conversation, "What you doing here man? Did you sleep at all last night?"

"Theo... his favorite stuffed animal... here," Buck releases, "Refused to sleep without it before he finally crashed. It was so late I didn't want to bother you."

"Buck," Eddie exhales, "I know better than almost anyone that struggle. Chris once left his favorite blanket at my parents and I had to drive at 2 a.m. to pick it up. You need your rest like he does. Don't be afraid to reach out next time, okay?" Eddie then steps around him to the front room where a small box of Theo's toys and other belongings is tucked underneath a side table.

"The dinosaur or the teddy bear?" Eddie holds up both.

"The dinosaur," Buck signs in relief, "He's starting to even teach me things about them."

"Already having Wikipedia deep dives? Truly just like his father," Eddie chuckles.

"We been watching documentaries on YouTube, but only a matter of time."

"Want to stay for some breakfast?" As if Eddie has anything other than cereal.

"No, we have a meeting with a preschool that looks promising; they seems to work well with hyperactive kids. Wait, do you still have those bagels I bought last week?" Buck steps around Eddie into the kitchen.

"I think, but they're probably stale?"

"It will have to do," He grabs one out of the bag followed by an obvious crunch.

They both turn around to see Theo sitting on Chris's lap, Theo taking a bite of the cereal as Chris encourages him.

"Don't steal Chris's food."

"What? He said he was hungry," Chris rebuffs, before directing his attention back to Theo, "But don't waste a bite of your dad's cooking, okay? It's the best."

Buck gleams at the simple praise, "Thanks bud. Okay little guy, we gotta go." Theo hops off Chris's lap.

"Don't forget, Chris has his last Model UN simulation tomorrow evening before the conference. You two will be there, right?" Eddie reminds him.

"Of course, wouldn't miss it. See y'all later," As the dad and son disappear out the front door.

Eddie settles back into his seat, a soft smile on his face. For a new and unexpected parent, Buck is quickly proving (something Eddie already knew he would) that he is a great caretaker.

As a parent himself, it seemed by a couple comments Chris might be feeling neglected, so Eddie checks in as he should. He thought it was just a normal question to ask and would fill some silence.

That was a big mistake.

"How do you feel about Buck adopting Theo?"

Chris's demeanor quickly changes. Any angst about Buck's absences melts away, "I think it's great. I've always wanted a little brother."

Eddie freezes. Little brother? But Eddie didn't adopt Theo. Buck did.

"You see Theo as a little brother?" Eddie words cautiously.

"Well yes," Chris responds with a roll of his eyes, "Buck helped raised me. If he has a son, then I have a brother."

Eddie's brain is short-circuiting. Buck has been around for years. Buck is something special to Chris, but he had never considered the concept of raising Chris alongside him.

"Wou- Would you call Buck Dad?"

Chris leans back in his chair, "I don't know about that. He's still Buck, but he's not Uncle Buck. He's a father figure. He's been around longer than Mom was."

"Chris..." Eddie gasps.

"Don't feel bad. I wish Mom was around, but Buck was there for me growing up and still is, even if he's busier now.”

"That's good to hear."

"So Theo's my little brother, and it's not like you won't be stepping up for him like Buck did for me."

"Uh..." Eddie immediately realizes from Chris's face that was the wrong response.

"You plan to help Buck like he helped you, right?!" Chris more demanding than asking.

Buck then barrels through the front door again, "Are my keys in here?" Chris and Eddie look down at the table and see them sitting on the counter near the left out bagels. Chris looks down at the keys and then back at his dad, as if saying aren't you going to hand those off to him?

But Buck quickly bounces across the room, snatching them.

"We're still doing dinner tonight, right?" Chris interjects, bringing Buck briefly to a halt.

"That was a plan? I can try to come over," Eddie sees Buck internally reading his and Theo's schedule.

"We'll come to yours. Dad will bring food."

"I can still cook. Kind of nice, gives some time to myself," Buck smiles softly.

"Then we will bring the supplies. See you tonight."

Buck shoots the biggest smile he had today, obviously happy he will have all his boys under one roof. He then quickly bounces out to Theo already strapped in his seat.

The door shuts and Eddie can feel the tension. Turning back to Chris, his son looks at him in disbelief. Eddie let Chris down on a responsibility he didn't know existed.

"I need to finish getting ready for school," Chris pushes himself and makes his way out the room, leaving Eddie to wonder: does he have another kid?

It's a 48 off, supposed to be relaxing, but that is the last thing the day is. His mind cannot stop thinking about this morning's conversation. Chris had to be exaggerating, right?

He wasn't, because reflecting on it all, yes: Buck was a parent to Chris. They spent time together without Eddie; Eddie called on Buck whenever he did not know how to handle a parenting situation; he put Buck in his will to get Christopher if anything ever happened to himself.

Dios mio, he put Buck in his will to get Chris. He babytrapped Buck. Did Buck realize this? Did Buck have any consent in this situation?

Eddie quickly shrugged that thought away. Buck didn't have to do any of this. He could have walked away whenever. He could have made Eddie not trust him at the bare minimum. But he found Carla when Eddie wasn't sure how to balance single parenting with a special needs child. He took Chris to the zoo. Buck is who was there for Chris when he was shot. Chris ran to Buck when him and his son had a fight. Buck handled all of that with no complaints.

Now that raises an entirely new question: a diagram forms in Eddie's head. If Chris and Theo are brothers, and Chris is also Buck's son, that means Theo is also his son?

Then what are Buck and Eddie to each other?

Eddie suppresses that as right now what matters is Theo. Theo is being raised by a single parent. Eddie made a lot of mistakes on his own, and often his partner would step in to pick up the pieces or offer support. He owes Buck, right?

Does Eddie even want another kid? In concept yes. He loves kids and raising Chris was the most rewarding thing he has ever done.

This situation is so different. Saying it's non-traditional would be an understatement. He and Buck are not romantically connected, which is assumed when raising a child together.

But they did it. If he counts Chris, they've already done it. They may have had girlfriends here and there, but at the end of the day they worked well together. One of their biggest fight was when Chris felt neglected due to Buck's absence during the lawsuit.

There is no avenue for him having another child right now. He's not looking to date even if he wants a wife someday. Their first time was hard work but easy enough. If Eddie being honest with himself, this idea is not a 100% no.

It is obvious when Eddie picks Chris up from school that he is still mad. Eddie isn't sure what to say, as he does not have an answer right now for what Chris is demanding. It's not like Buck has done anything to make Eddie believe he expected him to be an official parental role. But Eddie didn't ask Buck either. Is it an expected reciprocation?

They talk a bit more at the store, regarding what supplies to get for dinner. Chris will not stop pushing for the non-generic products, not accepting they are the same but charged at a higher price. Only the best for this little brother though.

"Theo's dessert has been applesauce," Chris comments staring at the selection, "The strawberry flavored one is his favorite."

"Buck only buys the no-sugar-added, and we need to respect that."

"Well Theo is my little brother and if I want to sneak in contraband, I will." Eddie looks disapprovingly before Chris claims, "I'll spend my own money on it if I have to."

Something about that touched Eddie. He remembers when he had to be the man of the house for his sisters. Trying to enforce the rules but there were still the times he'd sneak them treats or neglect the truth when asked if they went somewhere without permission. This is brotherhood.

Which also makes Eddie's head spin, because Theo is Chris's brother. That is no longer up for debate.

Eddie throws both applesauces in the cart, "I got it. but I'm blaming you when we're caught."

Chris gleams for the first time since this morning and Eddie feels like he's finally doing something right.

They arrive to Buck’s house in a state that Eddie remembers as a single father: toys everywhere, attempts at keeping clothes and books organized failing horribly as a kid immediately undoes whatever cleaning occurred.

"Chris! Eddie!" Theo exclaims as he runs to the front door, hugging both of them.

"Hey little dude, what are you up to?" Chris matches his energy the best a teenager can.

"I'm watching Monsters Inc!" Theo replies, already turning back to the TV.

"I love that movie. Can I join?"

"Yes! Sit next to me!"

Knowing his kids are preoccupied, he heads into the kitchen where Buck is hurriedly rushing dishes from the washer to various cabinets. Eddie swears he sees some sweat glistening upon his forehead.

"Whoa whoa, slow down there bud. You're going to break something," Eddie steps in and grabs a plate out of Buck's hands.

"Eddie," Buck looks so relieved to see him, to have support. It warms Eddie's heart. He wants to provide that more.

"Sit down. I can put the rest away," Eddie pushes him gently towards the kitchen table.

"I have to cook, and now that you're here I can take the trash to the curb and-"

"Three minutes. Drink some water or juice, and sit for three minutes."

Buck releases a dramatic sigh before taking a seat, "Can you grab me a bottle kombucha out of the fridge?"

Eddie feels a little pride in Buck's surrender, quickly acquiring it. First sorting the food he brought, he sets all the supplies for dinner neatly on the counter. As Buck is taking a sip from the bottle, Eddie hurries to the pantry and stuff away the strawberry flavored applesauce on the top shelf.

"Whoa, what's that bud?" Buck squawks.

"Uh, just applesauce for Theo," Eddie shrugs.

"Funny, that looked more red than applesauce colored," Buck stands up.

"Did we accidentally buy the strawberry flavor too? Dios Mio, well, it's here," Eddie tries to sound more nonchalant than he is, himself feeling like a child caught in the act.

Buck stands up and crosses his arms, reminding Eddie of the time he had to pressure Buck a little when Chris was grounded. He has this parenting thing down.

"Chris made me do it," Eddie immediately blames.

"I heard that!" Chris yells from the other room, "But he's not wrong."

"Chris wanted to get Theo a treat," Eddie defends.

Buck rolls his eyes, "Fine, but he's only eating that when you two are over to deal with any hyper aftermath."

"Deal. Now you have permission to start dinner while I finish the dishes," Eddie does a brief grab of Buck's shoulder.

"Permission?" Buck raises his eyebrows.

"Permission," Eddie repeats before a flush overtakes him. Why did that feel flirty?

Buck rolls his eyes and step around him, gathering the cutting board and pans needed. He doesn't fight Eddie on any assistance.

As Eddie takes out the trash, he sees Theo on the ground building a tower as Chris gives direction on which order of blocks make the structure most stable. Hearing Buck clanking away in the kitchen, maybe he could get used to this.

The night wraps up with Theo demanding Chris read him his bedtime story, dinosaur themed obviously, Chris having no reluctance in the task. It gives Buck and Eddie some time in the kitchen to decompress, Buck handwashing the dishes while Eddie dries and puts them away. It's simple. It's domestic. It's easy.

Eddie isn't like Buck though. Maybe Buck was okay simply performing actions, all under assumption, but Eddie needs more structure. He must know they are on the same page.

As he closes a kitchen cabinet, "Can I talk to you about something?"

"I thought something was on your mind. What's up?"

"You know, I really appreciate all you did for Christopher through the years," A surprising amount of nervousness spreads through his chest.

"It was nothing," Buck deflects.

"No, it wasn't. He trusts you and depends on you," Eddie explains, "You were there for him, and he sees you as a parental figure."

"I didn't mean to step on any-"

Eddie's classic shoulder grab, "I'm thanking you. Being a single parent is hard. You're quickly learning that."

"It is," Buck sighs, his shoulders relaxing at Eddie's touch, "Rewarding as hell, but I'm tired all the time. Wish I had Bobby here to ask for parenting advice."

”You don't have to do this alone," Eddie finally begins.

"I don't?"

"I feel like I owe you. While I would have done everything in my power to keep Chris cared for and happy, I don't know how I would have without you. So if you want that support, someone there for babysitting nights-"

"It never felt like babysitting to me," Buck interrupts.

"Let me finish. Store runs, being at sporting events and birthdays. Chris sees Theo as a little brother, and he wants to be around too."

Buck's eyes look like they're about to overflow, "Theo is very lucky to have a brother like Chris. You raised a good one."

"We raised a good one. So whatever you two need. I can be here for everything, if you want it."

Buck looks so relieved, like thank God, and this bubble of warmth spreads through Eddie's rib cage. A feeling he did not expect to overtake him. Is he locking something in? A commitment to each other's family, as a family? He wonders if Buck felt this way, whenever he provided support to Eddie. He hopes so. It's one of the best feelings in the world.

But then something shifts upon Buck's face. He winces as if he is trying to shake himself out of something. Eddie's gut sinks.

"You... you still want to get married someday?"

"What?"

"Your plan: you hope to have a wife again, right?"

"... I guess."

"Look, I really appreciate this. The offer does mean so much to me, but."

but.

"I don't want to get used to you being here for everything: zoo trips, dinner nights, sick days, then one day you get married."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Imagine you're around all the time, and then your evenings start being eaten up by dates. Leading to you making another family that overtakes priority."

"I would never put anything above our ki-" Eddie feels his heart jump up his throat.

"I know you wouldn't mean to, but what happens when your anniversary is on the same weekend as a sports tournament? Or if every year we have Christmas mornings altogether, but you have to spend it with her and possible kids at the in-laws?"

"You're running away with hypotheticals," Frustration is building. Hurt even?

"I'd rather learn to do this single parent thing off the bat, than get used to a support system for years and then be forced to do it alone."

"Evan-"

"Eddie." Buck sounds firm, like it's a solid no. Eddie's heart shattering at the idea of losing something he never knew he wanted nor truly had.

"I appreciate you. If I ever ask for help, I know you have my back," Buck then grabs Eddie's shoulder, "And he will always have his Uncle Eddie there for whatever he needs."

Uncle Eddie.

Buck was never Uncle Buck. He was Buck because he encapsulated something more than that, even if Eddie did not realize it at the time. But he's been designated, lowered, to Uncle Eddie? It feels like a slur.

Angry? Heartbroken? Eddie does not know what this feeling is, but it's one of the absolute worst he's ever felt.

Buck notices the broken expression upon Eddie's face. He knows he fucked something up, "Hey, wait."

"Buck!" Chris steps into the kitchen, "Theo says I'm not singing the goodnight song right, can you-"

It's tense. Chris can sense that. Buck looks like he was caught in the act while Eddie is still in a state of disbelief.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, it's just getting late," Eddie steps around Buck coldly, "We better go."

"You don't... have to," Buck mumbles, "Will just be a few minutes before he's out."

"There's school in the morning and I have errands," Eddie half lies as he directs his son to the door, "See you tomorrow at Chris's simulation."

Chris does a swing to hug Buck and Theo before following after his dad.

Eddie cannot describe what is flooding through him. He can't hide this emotion. He's doing his best as Chris trails behind him, but he knows it is oozing from him.

The car ride home is quiet, Eddie constantly feeling side glances from Chris, but his mind is racing.

How could Buck just say no thanks? Doesn't he get what Eddie was offering? Being a single parent is the most difficult thing he's ever done, and he's been shot multiple times and stabbed. Wouldn't something be better than nothing?

Wouldn't Eddie be better than nothing?

Unless Buck does not think that.

Maybe Buck simply doesn't want to raise his kid with me.

As if Eddie has ever been the model parent.

"Dad?" Chris interrupts his train of thought. His fingers grip the steering wheel so tight, to the point of changing color.

"Yeah?"

"Are you alright? You been sitting at this stop sign for a while."

"Oh, um yeah. Got something on my mind."

"Is it about Buck?"

Eddie doesn't respond.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No... Not yet."

"Okay," Chris leans back into his seat and pulls out his phone. Eddie is thankful he takes after him: he will come to you when he's ready. No need to force it.

The rest of the home is in silence but Eddie at least keeps his head on the road.

He does not sleep much that night. It was in his fingertips. A life he had no idea could make him feel complete. Parenting fulfilled him. He knew that. But a family? He knew he wanted that too, but not with a man. Not with Buck. Even if he was not completely sure what him and Buck were to each other, it was easy and they done it before.

Well it wasn't easy, but Buck made it easier. He wanted to provide that for Buck. It was the least he could do.

Buck does not want it. Apparently he did not expect Eddie to help him in the same capacity Buck helped him. He should be relieved.

But Eddie isn't relieved. The closest emotion he could describe it too is heartbroken. Eddie has never had his heartbroken by a man before, so that can't be the correct feeling, right? right?

With what little sleep he got, he feels dazed in the morning. At least that's the reason he tells himself, not that his heart was shattered into a million pieces by his best friend.

Breakfast is quiet, once again a bowl of cereal, that Eddie may have had two bites of before dissociating into the floating pieces. 

"Are you ready to talk about it yet?" Chris interrupts his TV static brain.

Eddie slowly looks over at his maturing son. He took full responsibility for being involved in Theo's life like a brother. He isn't some little kid anymore. Outside of Buck, his kid is his best friend, and he knows he needs to confide in someone when he can't put this on Buck. This is about Chris's family too. It wouldn't be right to lie to someone so observant.

"Yeah, I can."

"So what happened last night?" Straight to the point.

Eddie contemplates how to word it. Part of him is in disbelief, hoping today Buck having slept on the idea will see Eddie involved as for the best. He knows as a parent, once you make a decision as big as this, it's rare to go back on.

"Buck... said he didn't want my help."

"What?"

"I asked if he wanted support raising Theo, and he said no. Not as a father figure at least."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Buck, as a parent, is allowed to decide what is best for Theo."

"So Theo isn't my brother... And Buck isn't..."

"Whoa," Eddie quickly rebuffs, "This has nothing to do with you. Buck sees you as you see him. We confirmed that last night, and you are to Theo whatever you want to be. This is just about me to Theo."

"And you and Buck," Chris quickly points out. Eddie hates that all of this is so obvious, "Did he say why?"

Eddie remembers. He told Eddie no due to a hypothetical situation which has no bearings on the present. Maybe Buck was lying, maybe he wasn't. Eddie isn't ready to get into that with Chris.

"Maybe later." Eddie talked about it enough. It's almost overwhelming. He isn't good at talking about his feelings. He's trying, but it feels so raw, when he isn't even sure how to word those feelings to himself. He's shaken to his core by something that wasn't even real.

With his dad still sitting, Chris gets up and presses against his father, "I'm sorry Dad."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Why are tears about to burst out of his eyes, "You didn't do anything."

"I know," Chris then presses the softest kisses onto his dad's hairline, just like Eddie would do for him, "If you tell anyone I did that, I'll say you're lying."

Eddie's broken heart must be visible from his sleeve.

Eddie knows he needs to talk about this. Chris might be his friend, but he's still a kid and not a therapist. He shouldn't put that all on him, especially when it also involves two of the closest people in Chris's life as well.

So who else can he talk to about, what he must admit, is tangentially gay stuff.

Eddie: Do you have time to talk today?

Hen: I picked up a shift so I'm at the 118 until tonight. Is it an emergency?

Eddie: Kind of. Has today been busy?

Hen: Don't jinx me. You can come by if you want, hopefully we aren't out on a call. Karen is dropping off some lunch soon.

Eddie: Getting both of yours' opinions would be great. See you there.

The firehouse is typically Eddie's safe space. It's unpredictable but he knows how to maneuver it. Coming in right now, he does not have a game plan. He has an odd sense of hope, to gain perspective from fellow parents and be supported. But he knows there's also a chance he could leave feeling worse than he already does. Addressing something he is not sure he’s ready for.

He walks up the stairs to see Hen and Karen standing against the kitchen island as they chat and flirt with food in between them. Eddie's presence quickly gains their attention.

"Well hey there," Karen smiles.

"What's so important that it has you coming in on a day off?" Hen gets straight to the point. Who knows when the bell could go off next.

"I definitely would have preferred a wine night with you both, but I don't think this can wait." He settles next to them.

"You're scaring me here," Hen replies.

"I'm a bit on edge myself," He doesn't know how to start this. A moment of awkward silences passes by.

"There's been a lot of life changes lately. Seems like it never stops," Karen helps get the conversation going.

"Some changes good, some changes bad. Moved, Bobby died, came back, Buck got kidnapped, suffered through an addiction, and then adopted Theo."

"At least we ended on a very good one. They are so cute together," Hen chirps in.

"Yeah, it's great.." Eddie replies much less enthusiastically.

"It's not?" Karen nearly snaps.

"No, it very much is great! Perfect even. Theo is amazing; Chris loves him. Sees him as a brother even," Eddie counters. Both Hen and Karen awe at that.

"Chris admitted he sees Buck as a father figure, which is why Theo is a brother to him."

"Well of course," Karen states matter-of-factly, "It's very obvious Buck loves him like a son."

Eddie is so stupid,”And that led to Chris assuming I'd be helping raise Theo in the same fashion."

"Hm," Is all Hen provides. Not shocked. Not wanting further explanation. An acknowledgement. Eddie feels so exposed. Like everyone knew his own life better than he did.

"That's the thing... Buck didn't expect that." Eddie words slowly, "Or at least does not want me to."

"For real?” The women say in unison.

"I asked him if he wanted the support, and he said no," Eddie's voice becomes very soft at the end. He's hurting.

"Why?" Hen prods softly.

"Well..." The part Eddie needs to talk about, especially with Hen and Karen. He looks away as he talks, this feeling too intimate. This isn't about Eddie and a child. This is about Eddie and Buck: "After I offered, he asked if I still wanted a wife someday. I... didn't say no, and after that he told me he'd rather figure this out on his own.

"That's crazy, right? I'm offering whatever he needs, and he's telling me he doesn't want it, doesn't want Theo to have the support of two parents, due to a hypothetical. Chris and Theo are like brothers. I don't get it."

He looks back over at them expecting sympathy, but their faces tell a different, uneasy story. After a moment of silence, the wives turn their heads to each other.

"Are we on the same page?" Karen starts.

"I think so."

"Am I in the wrong?" Eddie questions, considering that possibility for the first time.

"It's not that anybody is in the wrong here," Hen replies, "You're allowed to want what you want."

I want this? Not for Theo, but me?

"Just as Buck is allowed to do what he believes is best for his child," Karen finishes.

"I know that more than anyone, but why is me getting married someday a deal breaker? We both had girlfriends during Chris," Something bites at him with that comment.

"Chris was a bit older, and it's not like you two had a formal agreement on your roles, right?" Karen confirms.

"No... I just didn't doubt Buck would be around whether one of us was married."

"Regarding Theo, I get it," Hen says, "Children need stability. You are there for everything, and then suddenly holidays and special events are no longer spent with him. He might feel abandoned, like he wasn't good enough to stay around for: why would you leave when you have a family right there?"

You have a family right there.

"I guess I didn't think about that..."

"You wanted to be a part of Theo's life and return what Buck did for you! Don't feel bad you got carried away with this," Karen rubs Eddie's shoulder.

"And we haven't even discussed what Buck may want for himself," Hen interjects.

That snaps Eddie's attention, "What do you mean?"

"It's not like he'd be dating anyone if you and him were officially raising a kid together," Karen hums directly.

"Why- Why wouldn't Buck date? We did the first time," Eddie notices how easy talking about them raising Chris is. The first time.

"First, Buck isn't the same person he was when you two established a dynamic with Chris. Second, you two already act as a unit. You think he's going to do anything to disrupt a family he has at home? He isn't only afraid of Theo being abandoned. At best, you two are single together for about fifteen years, then you get a wife while he's left in a completely empty nest. And perhaps Buck may want a romantic partner to raise a kid with. He's allowed to want that as well," Hen explains point by point.

All Eddie can do is give a single nod in acknowledgement, lips pressed together tight to either hold back something he may regret or burst into tears. Two days ago life seemed so easy. Now he just lost Buck and Theo to some potential spouse, taking the spot he assumed was his.

Oh. This is what Buck may have felt like about losing Eddie the same way. Eddie swears Buck was about to agree to the offer before changing his mind.

Oh. Maybe the no wasn't all for Theo. What if he was down to spend the rest of his life with him, but then realized that's not what Eddie was technically offering.

"And you can't give Buck that...?" Karen says in more of a question than a statement.

"Uh-"

And with that, the alarm goes off. Saved by the bell? Maybe. Something was on the tip of Eddie's tongue and he wished he had a moment more.

"I'll see you at home?" Hen directs to Karen.

"Be safe out there," Karen says with a brief peck on the lips before Hen takes off.

Eddie and Karen stand there for a moment as the team gathers up and heads out, "I'm still off for the rest of the day if you want to come over for a glass of wine."

"Thanks, but I got some errands to do and Chris has a thing tonight," Eddie shrugs as they start making their way down the stairs.

"If you need to talk about this more, you know where to find us."

Eddie may need to take another day off work at this rate because he's not getting any rest. His chest is endlessly tight. His thoughts spinning. He obviously understands no means no. But Buck didn't actually say no. He dismissed Eddie. There is still wiggle room for negotiations, right?

He first tries to go for a run, clear his mind and exhaust any excess energy. The run does not clear his mind though. Have there always been so many families in his neighborhood? Because all he can see are parents, single or with one another.

This situation is so different than the process with Christopher. His son might be the best that ever happened to him, but the pregnancy was unplanned. He barely knew Shannon, especially at their young age when they barely knew themselves. He just had to do it.

This time it would be a purposeful choice, to something he technically has no obligation with.

After running about half his usual route, he realizes the exercise is not helping. If anything, the shortness of breath is contributing to his passive anxiety attack that has been raging for the past couple days.

He swings by a coffee shop he frequently stops by. Indecision is overrunning him everywhere.

"Hello there, what are you in the mood for?" A barista snaps Eddie out of him dissociating at the large menu pinned to the wall.

"Uh, what do you recommend I want?" He redirects, knowing his sentence was not about the order.

"Are you in the mood for coffee or juice? Our lavender lemonade with a shot of green tea has been selling like wild. On the other side, our black iced coffee is what we are known for."

That damn juice again. Is Eddie ready for juice?

"An iced latte with oat milk sounds good?" He isn't even lactose intolerant, but Buck only has oat milk at home and now drinking actual milk tastes wrong. It's better for you Eddie. There's less saturated fat and it's higher in fiber he remembers Buck repeating every time Eddie scoffed at his fridge. Now he doesn't even consider drinking normal milk. How did Buck do this to him?

Something is still off though. A little milk in his coffee is a change from a boring black coffee, but he needs a treat. He needs change. He does not know why ordering a new drink feels overwhelming, but he has to. He can't explain it; he has to try.

"Wait... are there any syrups you recommend? Something fruity?"

The barista suppresses a smirk before redirecting, "We make our own syrups here. This drink isn't on the menu yet, but there is an orange-vanilla syrup that tastes just like orange creamsicle. Not overpowering by any means. Mixed with coffee, best of both worlds if you ask me."

"Yeah, that."

Eddie pays and the barista gets to work. It may not be everything, but he's trying new things. It's a step. Letting himself want and enjoy simply for Eddie alone, when entire life he's been told A real man drinks his coffee black. Nothing extra. Nothing inherently enjoyable. The bare minimum to intake the caffeine. But Eddie needs a little treat. His heart is broken after all.

Eddie winds up in a park close by. Things are calmer here. He can sip his iced fruity little drink in peace instead of running from himself. He looks at the plants and the clouds, attempting to recenter. He takes a seat near a playground and tries to enjoy the moment.

He has not been to a playground in a while. Chris is way past the age of spending time there. Eddie missed simple activities of happiness like that.

That is a factor in why he loves Theo around so much. Trips to the zoo have increased after a lull. Chris even wanting to go as he explains all the facts Buck taught him through the years. Eddie loves those afternoons where Buck is desperate for Theo to exhaust himself into a nap, so Eddie takes him outside and places soccer, Chris refereeing on the sidelines.

Somehow, practically every ruling goes in Theo's favor. A soft smile rests upon his face at those memory.

When he fades out of those daydreams, he looks up to see two men and a young girl, around Theo's age, walking down the sidewalk. The child holds both of their hands, giggling away as the men raise her in the air, letting her swing as she jumps.

Eddie is not sure if they are together or simply friends taking a daughter to the park, but she looks so happy. And they smile with her.

Eddie wants. Practically yearns.

It's hard to unpack all of this in a couple days. He wishes he had Frank lined up, but it would be impossible to get an appointment within a few hours. It's not like he's a danger to anyone.

His entire life he was told the best thing for a child was a father and mother at home. It is not that he ever thought the other options were worse. Hen and Karen are an amazing example of that. But for him, what he was to provide for Christopher, what he was told to do, enforced by his own upbringing.

He studies how happy the little girl is. How glad the men look at her joy. They remind him of how Eddie and Buck looked at Christopher when he was younger.

Maybe having a mother and father is not a requirement. Look how Chris turned out with just Buck and Eddie. He's perfect.

Tonight he has to see Buck with Theo and pretend everything is normal. Pretend he didn't put his entire being on the line and it be rejected. He worries he ruined everything. Not by a specific action, but being unable to look at their dynamic and not see family.

The impending moments that Eddie will miss play in his mind. Buck was there for so much of Chris, but what things will he be excluded from as Uncle Eddie? Will he be there for Theo's first day of school? What about when he's older and attends his first dance? Buck mentioned events like holidays. Will he not be invited to Christmas events?

Chris is getting older. At some point soon he may not even live with Eddie.

Eddie will be the empty nest watching Buck raise a kid he could love as his own. Perhaps with someone else that pushes Eddie, intentionally or not, out of the picture.

"You better go inside kid," Eddie hums leaning against a wall near the entrance of Chris's school. His son stands next to him, impatiently staring for Buck and Theo to bounce in any moment.

"He said they'd be here," Chris replies dismissively, "He hasn't answered any texts. Do you think they're okay?"

"Let's give him a call. They'll need Costa Rica for that deforestation talk."

Eddie Facetimes Buck as Chris scoots closer to him, both of them in the shot.

At what would be the last ring, Buck answers: frantic.

"Eddie! Thank god it's you, I could use some-"

Saying Buck looks disheveled would be an understatement. His hair is a mess and there appears some splatter across his shirt. Maybe even his cheek.

Then it hits Buck at what he's missing. "Chris! I'm so sorry. Carla called earlier saying Theo picked up a stomach bug. He's throwing up so much, I couldn't leave her with him and can't bring him like this."

"What help do you need?" Chris redirects.

"I needed some supplies from the store. I'll have them delivered if I gotta."

"Send me the list." Eddie commands.

"I can figure it out," Buck deflects, "Chris, you're going to do great. I'll make the next one, I promise."

"Buuuuccckkkkk!!" Theo yelps in the background, "I'm gonna- I'm gonna-"

Then the most disgusting belch echoes in the background.

"I gotta go guys, good luck!" And with that Buck drops the phone, the view facing up at the ceiling as Theo cries and then slowly disappear into what they assume is the bathroom. The father and son stare at their silent reflection before Eddie hits the call off.

They stand there in silence for a brief moment. Eddie does not know what to do. He remembers how hard it all was on his own. A memory of Shannon having to do the same alone ripples across his mind. He can't believe he now has to watch this from the other side.

"Well, let's go," Chris breaks the silence as he already starts trekking to the car.

"What? No, you have the simulation to do," Eddie reminds him.

"I don't want to go to the stupid Model UN thing. I want to help take care of my little brother. You do too."

"Buck doesn't want our help."

"Yes, he does."

"No, he doesn't," Desperation is overrunning Eddie. He feels like he's about to snap. His son is right, not that it matters, "He told me he doesn't want me."

"Why!" Chris raises his voice.

Eddie doesn't want to do this, not here, but he knows Chris is not going to accept a delay again.

"Because he asked if I wanted to get married and have a wife and I said yes."

"You want that? Over thi-"

"Don't you want a mom someday?" Eddie finally hits the root of all of this.

"No!" Followed by a silence that echoes.

"What?" Eddie finally squeaks.

"I have a mom, even if she's gone now. I have a you, and I have Buck. It's not like if you ever got married I'd call this woman mom. I'm not five anymore. If you want a wife, fine, but don't use me as the reason."

"Oh," is all Eddie can exhale. A weight he did not realize as heavy as it was lifts off his shoulders.

"Dad, take me out of the equation," Chris asks a lot softer this time, "What do you want?"

Eddie takes a deep breath and then releases: "I want to help Buck take care of Theo." Does he mean tonight? Does he mean forever? He still isn't sure yet, but he knows where he wants to be right now.

"Then what are we doing here? Should we call Buck back and asks what he needs?"

"This ain't my first rodeo, I know exactly what they need."

Knock knock before Eddie and Chris push into the house regardless of the response. On the couch lays Buck and Theo, Buck on his back and Theo nestled besides him with his head on Buck's chest. They both look exhausted, and honestly a little gross. Bluey plays in the background but attention is barely paid to it.

"What are you doing here? Did they cancel the simulation?" Buck attempts to push himself up, but Theo nuzzles himself more into Buck's chest.

"Nope," Eddie raises a bag full of groceries.

"This was more important," Chris makes his way over the Theo and sits on the floor next to him, nearly at face level, "How you feeling bud?"

"Bad," Theo groans out.

"It won't last forever," Then Chris redirects his gaze at Buck, "Family is here to help."

Buck then turns his head to Eddie, realizing there are no secrets between the three. All Eddie does is give a nod.

"Have you showered since getting him?" Eddie sets the grocery bag down in the kitchen before stepping back into the room.

"Haven't had time," Buck huffs.

"Come here Spider-Man," Eddie reaches for Theo and the young boy immediately meets his grasp, "Watch TV with me and Chris. I bought you some Goldfish if you're hungry."

"Pleeaasseeee," Theo whines as he latches onto Eddie.

"Grab them for me before you take a shower?" Eddie directs to Buck. Buck has the softest look on his face, but there's a little bit of pain in his eyes. Like this is something he wants too.

"You got it," he hops off the couch. He returns a small bowl with the snack inside, "Thank you Eddie, and Chris."

"Don't mention it," Chris gleams, Theo smashed in between the Diaz men.

"Now go clean up," Eddie orders.

Eddie missed this. Chris is getting older. He will always be his son, but he doesn't need him anymore, not like the way Theo needs a parent. Gripping Eddie firmly for safety and support.

"Uh oh," Theo mumbles into Eddie's chest.

"You good little guy?" Chris asks.

Theo shakes his head no as he gags, suppressing another round of sickness.

"Let's go," Eddie sweeps Theo into his arms and carries him into the bathroom. They sit on the ground, Eddie's back against the bathtub as Theo's back rests against Eddie's chest, a small trashcan in front of Theo.

"I don't wanna," Theo cries, continually trying to hold it back.

"I know, but you will feel a lot better when it's all out of your system," Eddie whispers into his ear, "I've gotten sick like this, Buck has gotten sick like this, and it passed. It will for you too."

"And Chris?"

"And Chris," Eddie chuckles, "and I was there for him just like I'm here for you."

"Trash can," Theo demands, both of their hands pulling it towards Theo at the same time.

Eddie coos in Theo's ear and rubs his back, reminding him it will be over soon and Eddie is here until it does.

After some heaving, this round of nausea passes. Both of them lean back, "I'm tired."

"You ready for bed, bud? Let's brush your teeth. I'll read you a story if you want," Eddie promises. All Theo can do is nod and rub his eyes, Eddie knowing there is a good chance he won't make it to a story.

Eddie carries Theo to his room, the boy's head tucked into Eddie's neck.

Right as Eddie is about to bend down to lay Theo down, he releases on the edge of sleep, "love you Eddie."

And next thing Eddie knows, tears are flowing down his cheeks. He's not a crier. But this little being in his arms loves him, and he feels so lucky. He will do anything.

"Love you too kid," Eddie presses a little kiss on his head.

Buck interrupts the moment, "I didn't think I was gone for that long! Thank you so much for-"

"I want this."

"What?"

"This," Eddie turns around just enough for Buck to see the tears upon his cheek, Theo pressed into him, "We need to talk."

Eddie lays him down as Buck cautiously makes his way beside Eddie, both of them tucking the boy in, eyelids already so heavy he can't keep them open. He rolls onto his side as Eddie and Buck step out, hitting the lights.

"Chris, let us know if your brother needs anything? We'll be on the patio for a minute," Eddie directs as Buck follows behind him. Chris gives a little salute, not looking away from the movie he changed to.

As they step out into the darkness, Buck is obviously uneasy, but Eddie isn't. Sure there is a fear of rejection, but Eddie knows what he wants. His vision has never been clearer.

"Look-" He tries to start.

"We already talked about this."

"No, let me speak. Our chat yesterday, I asked what you wanted. This is about what I want."

"What do you want?"

"Our kids together. Under one family."

"We did discuss that, and I don't think it would work."

"Why not? Tell me why. Do you not want this family?"

"I didn't say that."

"Then say what you mean."

Buck releases this big breath, like he's scared, like he doesn't want to do this. But he must, because Eddie demands it, "I can't invest years of myself into us. I'm already investing myself in Theo and Chris, when I already know one day they have to spread their wings and make their way out in the world. But you? Under whatever you are suggesting, you would too, and I can't-"

"And who says I want to spread my wings?"

"You!" Buck interjects, "Last night! You said you wanted a wife, and I'm not willing to put myself in a type of partnership that inevitably ends with someone leaving."

"Okay, I don't want a wife."

"You don't mean that."

"I do mean it. We work well together. I can't see myself collaborating with anyone the way we do. If I have to choose between this, you, and anything else. I choose you, Evan."

"You can't just say that!"

"Why not? I mean it."

"No you don't! You don't want the kind of partnership I do, so we are incompatible in what you want."

"And what kind of partnership are you looking for?"

"Eddie."

"Tell me."

Buck pauses for a moment, thinking how to word this. "Look, obviously, I would never pressure someone to have sex they didn't want. But if I am having some type of life partner, I want to be able to hold their hand, cuddle, kiss them. And you wouldn't want that from me. You can’t love me.”

Eddie stares at Buck for a moment, before stepping forward.

First, he grabs both of Buck's hands with his. Firm. Strong. Big. Which Eddie knew, but this is the first time he holds them like this.

"Hm."

Then he steps even closer, his body pressed against Buck's. Buck is not much taller than him, but he puts a little effort to curl into his neck as if they were having a cuddle in bed.

Though Eddie assumes the way any cuddle would go is Buck wrapped around him or the one nestling him face into Eddie.

"I see," He says as he pulls back, "I'm going to kiss you now Buckley."

"You- You don't have to," Buck huffs breathlessly.

"I need to know," Eddie closes the gap.

They rest there for a moment, lips moving ever so slightly without opening for tongue. Another weight lifts off Eddie's shoulders.

"Interesting," Eddie grins as he pulls back.

"Interesting? You kiss me and all I get is an interesting?" But Buck is smiling too.

"Don’t tell me who I can and can’t love,” Eddie again leans in. Buck's hands wrap around his body, one placed on the back of his neck. He opens his mouth and feels their tongues chase each other. It's easy, soft, but exciting.

"Are you sure?" Buck confirms, "I don't want you doing anything just because-"

"Don't be ridiculous. We're a family. We have been for a while, but when Chris pressed on what you and Theo were to us, well, it all makes sense now.

"You are a father to Chris. I want to be a father to Theo. I'm yours as long as you want me. I'm not going anywhere."

"Don't make promises you can't keep Diaz, or I'm never letting you go."

"Hm," Eddie grins. He don't mind the sound of that.

"Buck! Dad! Theo is-" Chris pushes the door open, before noticing Buck's arms wrapped around his father. He pauses for a brief moment, before continuing with a soft smile, "Theo is calling for you. Sounds like he might be sick again."

Buck and Eddie release a small chuckle as they step apart, "You ready?"

"Wouldn't miss this for the world," Eddie gleams as they hurry back into the house.